Television

Puppy Bowl XIII Top Picks

We’re just a few days away from the biggest game in sports every single year, THE PUPPY BOWL! As you all have been eagerly waiting, here are the top picks from this year’s lineup based 100% on their photos and names, paired with made up stories about their personalities because I’m a giant weirdo who entertains herself with writing dog bios.

Wesley

wesley

Check out Wesley giving it to the camera with that over the shoulder pose. What a stud. Ten bucks says he goes home with one of the duck cheerleaders.

Tucker

tucker

Curveball: Tucker is a girl. I also want to snuggle the shit out of her. Seriously, could she be fluffier? Tucker’s known for fixing those icy blue eyes on a competitor, stunning them into submission and taking the tennis ball to the end zone.

BeeBop

beebop

With a name like BeBop, you really can’t go wrong. BB is probably a backup dancer for Bey on the weekends. She’s got one ear up and you KNOW that means she’s ready to party.

Lucky

lucky

It took me far too long to decipher if Lucky only has three legs or if she was revving up for a mean high five. Seems odd to name a three legged dog Lucky, but whatevs that’s neither here nor there. I have a soft spot for her since I just spent a weekend binging Friday Night Lights. Lucky probably lost her leg tackling another player with her head down. She’s not giving up though and I respect the hell out of that. TEXAS FOREVER, LUCKY!

Panda

panda

WHOA. Holy ears, Panda! She’s got that look on her face that says play fetch with me or I’ll KMS. She’ll come out of the locker room REAL HOT and  if she hears someone in the stands talking shit with her bionic ears, she’ll say cash me ousside, how bow DAH? (Did I use that right? Am I kewl like the youths?)

Smooshie

smooshie

Smooshie is this year’s Puddin Pop. Cursed with the meanest name of the group, she probably hates her life. Not to mention the fact that her face looks eternally sad. She belongs as an extra in the Sara McLachlan SPCA commercial. Lil Smoosh will need a little of Lucky’s 3 legged swagger to rub off on her if she wants to crush this game.

Squirt

squirt

Alright, Squirt, slow your roll. We get it, you’ve got energy for days. Squirt will annoy the shit out of everyone on the field  and that’s a promise. Just like every family needs a nuisance sibling (it’s me), every team needs a pain in the ass like Squirt. Keeps it interesting.

Winston

winston

Every year we’ve got one. The pup that saw photoshoot on his schedule and decided to roll a fat one before he showed up. Winston just wants to lay on his doggie bed with a bag of treats contemplating the wonders of the world. Sto0oooo00oooner dog.

Ricky

ricky

Ricky needs to take it easy on the H2O. Most likely to look the creepy ref right in the eye, stick that leg in the air and pee directly on the turf mid-game. Do it Ricky, DOOOOO IT.

Foster

foster

Foster is this year’s MVP. He’s charismatic AF with that tongue waggin’ and I bet he was just shy of winking and throwing up some finger gunz for the photographer. He’ll have fun on the field and celebrate the W by crushing a couple rawhides with his bruhs.

Click here for the full roster.

riggs

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Television

Puppy Bowl XII Top Picks

Super Bowl Schmooper Bowl, you all know I hate football and love puppies soo0o0o let’s talk about my favorite event of the year. There’s a reason I’m known as a dog creeper in my group of friends. And that reason is less concerning than you might think. Mostly I got my rep from sneak petting strange dogs every time I pass one. I also have a knack for smiling at dogs when I walk by them on the street. Real normal stuff. Anyway, ask me to write a serious story and I’ll stare at my computer screen for hours…ask me to make up fake personalities for dogs I’ve only seen one picture of? GAMETIME. Not all puppies can be first draft picks based on athletic ability, so I’ve gathered the top characters from this year’s lineup so you know what to expect.

Wrinkles

Wrinkles

Look, Wrinkles is super self conscious that his face looks like he got permanently smushed fighting for his mom’s nip in a litter full of puppies. We need to rub some confidence on Wrinkles because once he realizes his face is adorable and he can get mad kitty cheerleader tail, he’ll be a force to reckon with on the field.

 

Miss Sassy

MissSassy

There’s a reason she got this name. Even her picture shows that she’s sassy AF. I bet she strutted into this photoshoot and was like hit it boys, eat your heart out. Miss Sassy’s going to be using her time on the field to flirt with bros on the opposing team until they give her the ball and she spikes it into the endzone. Her TD dance is a shimmy, obviously.

Marley

Marley

Marley is clearly gearing up for a high five in this shot. NICE. She’s the morale booster of her team and gets everyone on the same page with a pep talk and a trips up her competitors with a classic down low, TOO SLOW.

Shylah

Shyla

Shylah looks like she just asked the maid to draw the curtains so she can be alone with her thoughts. I’m guessing she gets a little overwhelmed in a team atmosphere on the field and she’ll need her fellow pups to really rally around her to grab the W.

Leah

Leah

Every Shylah needs a Leah. Leah loves life and probably has a kickass time anywhere she goes. She’s your friend that brings you out on a night when you have “netflix binge in snuggie” written in permanent marker on your calendar. Leah’s the Gronk of the team. She probably tells a bunch of dirty jokes, winks at the cameras and tackles the shit out of her opponents. A real show-woman.

Jimmy

Jimmy

What a C-Hunk. Guaranteed at some point during the game Jimmy starts dragging those back legs around because he’s just too tired to make them functional. Luckily for him he’s good looking and knows how to play up the personality to distract from the beer gut.

Countess

Countess

Countess has “I just took a dump on the white carpet” written all over her. She’s probably super clumsy and will fumble a lot. She’s also most likely to poop right on the field. Prove me wrong, Countess.

Rugby

Rugby

I think we know who’s vying for MVP this year. Rugby plays so hard he couldn’t stop for like five seconds to take this picture. He’s hungry for a victory and always wants the ball. Most likely to: tell his teammates in the huddle that if they pass the ball to him, he’ll take care of the rest.

Bijoux

Bijoux_F

What a tall drink of water Bijoux is. She’s got limbs for days and unlike myself she probably knows how to athletically use them to her advantage. I picture mah grl B soaring through the air and tackling two dogs at once. Cause she’s a Bo$$ bitch.

Sailor

Sailor

Sailor has the passion but he’s just a touch out of shape. He’ll try to keep up with the others but physically he has baby legs and a little bit of a tum tum. He probably hasn’t hit the gym in a few months but he’s not self-conscious about it. More to love, baby.

Chichi

Chichi

Chi-Dubbz looks terrified. Are we sure she’s not being forced to do this? She kinda has the same look I used to have when my gym teacher told me I had to run the mile or I’d fail the class. For the record, I still stand by the fact that the people who actually ran their fastest mile mid-day at school (where time counted for nothing) and then continued the rest of the day covered in sweat were the real losers. I got yo back Chichi.

Timber

Timber

It’s GOIN DOWN. I’m yellin TIMBER! Seriously could a song be embodied more? Look at the velocity of that tail whip. Timber’s ready to rock. He also probably has the attention span of gnat because he’s literally looking at the ceiling. He’ll be hard to catch on the field. A Smash Williams without the ‘roids, if you will.

Puddin Pop

PuddinPop

Is this a joke? I feel like there’s so many reasons that dogs could hate us and naming one Puddin Pop is a legit reason.  Poor girl. I can’t even make up a back story for her because all I can think of is this:

cosby

Cooper

Cooper

I’d bet money that Cooper’s this year’s stoooooner dog. They probably told him to sit and he’s all, I’d rather kick back and light a J. When Timber’s getting all wound up Cooper will be the first to tell him to relaaaxxx.

Brooklyn

Brooklyn

QB1 in the HIIZZOUUUSEEEEE. Brooklyn’s got the focus and determination to lead his team to a championship. He also has the biggest ears on this planet that he constantly gets chirped about, so he’s developed the thick skin expected of the team’s ringleader.

Click here for full lineup!

PS: Could Boris be more #OverIt?

Boris

Okay, Okay I’m done I promise. Tune into the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet the day of the Super Bowl to see a bunch of puppies play with each other and a creepy ref interfere with bullshit calls. CLEAR EYES, FULL BLADDERS, CAN’T LOSE!

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Television

Puppy Bowl XI Starting Lineup Hot Picks

Guys, you know what’s coming February 1st? The ANNUAL PUPPY BOWL. There’s no other way I’d wish to spend a Sunday in the dead of winter than watching a bunch of furry little pups troll around while I devour an entire vat of salsa dip. The lineup was just released and I took it upon myself to pick my faves as the ones to look out for. Here they are by team…

TEAM RUFF:

AriateamRuff

Aria is a Labrador Retriever Mix and looks real excited to get some play time in. She’s totes the kinda gal that’ll have the energy to play the whole game and not take a nap in the middle of the field.

BoomerTeamRuff

Boomer the German Shepard Mix is a straight up GOON. Bets on him staring at the goat cheerleaders on the sidelines with that tongue wagging looking for some booty instead of playing the game.

BryanAdamsTeamRuff

Bryan Adams is a Labrador Retriever mix and looks a little perplexed to be here but with a name like Bryan Adams he’s gotta be a lady killer with the voice of an angel.

CoveiaTeamRuff

Coveia has a real intensity in her eyes that says she’s looking for the W and you can’t deny it. Also she’d probably take it too far and pee on an opponent. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES COVEIA.

FalcorTeamRuff

There’s one every year and it looks like this year the winner is Falcor the Cumber Spaniel for team STOOOONER. Falcor wins most likely to hit the field blazed and end up trying to eat the fake turf.

FaulknerTeamRuff

Faulkner the Great Pyrenees…serious question is this even a real dog? Faulkner looks like a straight up cartoon. Love that smile though I’m gonna bet he’s a real go-getter. Team Captain for sure.

LanceTeamRuff

Lance the Terrier Mix looks like he just got caught eating a stack of bills that were left on the table (This is a specific shout out to my nephew Rocky who can’t stop his all-paper diet every time he’s left alone in the house.) No but seriously Lance looks guilty AF and I bet this will motivate him to play better and also maybe get into a little mischief, fingers crossed.

LewisTeamRuff

Lewis the Shar Pei could not be more over this if he tried. He’ll be unamused with the kitty half time show (aren’t we all?) and probably end up laying on the sidelines real quick. But with that SMUSHY face, we can all forgive him instantly for this.

PudgeTeamRuff

Pudge the Chihuahua mix has OUTRAGEOUS ears and that’s obviously his secret weapon. Once he gets on a fast break he’ll be able to hear his competition coming after him for miles.

ZaneTeamRuff

Wittle baybay Corgi Mix, Zane is Team Ruff’s young’n. He’ll be pouncing on Lewis all day only to be pushed off every time. Poor little guy is just here to tear it up and make cool older friends.

TEAM FLUFF:

DonnieTeamFluff

Donnie the German Shepard mix is KILLIN me with that side head. Can’t resist it. He seems like he’d play dirty and trip Pudge to get the ball (if Pudge doesn’t trip over his own ears HEYO.)

HemingwayTeamFluff

Hemingway the Great Pyrenees mix absolutely has a British accent and is the classiest one of the bunch. Since he’s clearly from England and smokes a pipe he probably plays soccer too and is suuuper athletic. Strong player.

MaggieTeamFluff

Maggie the Beagle Mix is a handful..I mean look at that she won’t even look at the camera because she’s too cool for the paparazzi. She totally voted herself Team Captain and everyone else was like nah Mags, T it down. She’ll be the team tattle tale when someone breaks the rules.

MrFantasticTeamFluff

Mr. Fantastic the Terrier Mix is the young pup who’s excited just to be included. He’ll be the ankle biter wanting to keep up with the big boyz and whooping it up for the crowds. YOLO, Mr. Fantastic.

PapiTeamFluff

Papi the Corgi Mix has that “Who, me?” look DOWN PAT. He’s gonna get away with murder in this game (hypothetically speaking, guys). When the ref interferes Papi’s your man to get behind him and make faces, mocking his authority.

SassyTeamFluff

This little piece of black magic is named SASSY. No joke. I think we all know why I selected this Mini Poodle Mix. Bitch gonn’ go cray on the field–she won’t be doing any playing, just flirting cause Sassy is lookin for her perfect mate. (Her only requirement: he MUST love Beyonce)

USSMaloyTeamFluff

USS Maloy the Australian Shepard Mix COULD NOT even muster up the energy to stay standing for this photoshoot. Clearly we’ve got our dead weight for Team Fluff and you know what? I respect it. You’ll find USS Maloy laying in everyone’s way on game day mailing it in.

JamisonTeamFluff

Jamison the Pit Bull Terrier Mix is the real team captain for his fellow Fluffs. He knows when to be the enforcer and when to give kisses and also he’s got a pretty bad-ass spotted nose.

BaileyTeamFluff

Bailey the Labrador Retriever looks like she has the attention span of a gnat…which will OBVIOUSLY make for quality entertainment. She’ll be boppin all over the place, prancing for the crowd, talking T. Swift with the goat cheerleaders and sneaking into the choreographed kitty routine at halftime. Can’t hold Bai down.

There you have it. My top picks from the lineup, which consists of 55 wittle wuppies. See the full list here

My money’s on Team Fluff for the win. I feel it in my bones. Book it.

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