Hold on Tight with Becca K

Arie picks up Becca, hops on a hog and goes “so you just have to hold onto me ok?” Gawd, do they create every sort of sexual dating fantasy for every girl? I went three months in Italy thinking I was legitimately going to meet an Italian and he would take me for a spin on his vespa around the Tuscan countryside. Guess what I did instead? I spent three months getting drunk at a bar with 5 euro beers, talking to other Americans and eating a kebab every night before bed. So it’s safe to say I already hate Becca for this date. Krystal confesses to everyone back at the ranch that she’s seen a lot of body parts scattered from motorcycle accidents so THANK GOD she wasn’t on that date, because it would NOT HAVE BEEN OK. Nothing like replying to hold me tight with “I hope you don’t lose your torso when we both get smeared across the highway.”

Remember when I was jelly of this date just from the motorcycle ride? Well it gets worse. They arrive at a mansion where Rachel Zoe is there and Arie acts like he knows who the F she even is. Becca does a movie montage fashion show for Arie while he drinks champagne and twirls her in each dress. And whatdya know, she looks good in EVERYTHING. So she gets to keep them all. He then gets on one knee and gives her Louboutins. Is this a dating show or did she just get gifted a million dollar wardrobe? Neil Lane, not to be outdone by Rachel Zoe, is like Becca, frost yourself with my jewels and now it’s just getting creepy that Arie wants to deck her out like a Barbie on their first date. Be more materialistic. She shows off all her riches to the other girls and one’s reaction is “they’re going to get married.” Ah to be the dumbass that thinks whoever gets you the most designer duds MUST be your husband. True love.

“Becca lights up the entire room all by herself” says Arie, but yet he still felt the need to completely give her a makeover for a simple dinner date. (Bitter, table for one.) He keeps explaining that he just wanted to spoil Becca but like why? I hope it’s not lost on her that he’s spoiling her with ABC’s money… They talk about his past experiences and if he can change her brakes so she can stop spending money on a mechanic. He can. Becca’s last relationship was an on and off 7 year relationship and PS her dad died. Despite that sad hiccup, Arie and Becca have like the best first date ever and that’s gotta SUCK to have 21 other girls get to date and smooch him after that.

Home is Where the Heart Is with Krystal

They fly to Arie’s home of Scottsdale, AZ because apparently something about Krystal’s porny voice said, I should bring this girl home on our first date. Of course he brings her to his high school and points out his first jobs and she just stares with her mouth open, basically. He shows off his home, where they look at photos and watch home videos and Arie pretends to be embarrassed even though he set this whole date up. And then my worst nightmare came true, he brought a girl he’s had one conversation with home to meet his entire family. On WHAT PLANET IS THIS NORMAL?! Not for nothing but Krystal and Arie’s mom don’t NOT look exactly alike if you know what I mean.

At dinner, Krystal decides to unload about her shitty upbringing and how she took care of her brother, who is now homeless. After she describes her brother being attacked while living on the streets and having leathery skin and singed hair, she’s like so does that scare you? RUN, ARIE. RUN. They make out and slow dance to a singer whose name I already forgot. More importantly, Krystal rubs her head all over Arie’s shoulder while they’re dancing like she’s a cat trying to get a head scratch. The next morning, Krystal doesn’t want to tell the vultures all about her date and therefore they want to skin her alive.

Let’s Hit Love Head On with Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana and Chelsea

We’ve got ourselves a little demolition derby where the girls decorate their own cars and then smash the shit out of each other. Annaliese can’t stop hysterically crying out of fear before the derby because she had a traumatic bumper car experience. What about children crashing their cars into each other and getting whiplash as a carnival ride ISN’T TRAUMATIC? Props to producers for giving us a dramatic flashback to a faceless child in a bumper car like she’s been abducted or something. Arie comforts Annaliese and doesn’t call her an idiot, which she deserved to be called for sobbing over bumper cars. We soon learn it was all bullshit (don’t sleep on Annaliese for being calculated) because the minute the derby starts she’s slamming into people left and right. She must have felt SUH much better after getting extra time with Arie to dry those tears. Seinne wins. Haven’t heard her speak until this moment, basically but good for her.

Brittany injured herself from ramming up everyone’s bhole’s in her car so she can’t make the night portion. The girls pretend to be sad. Chelsea steals Arie first to reveal that she has a three-year-old son and asks Arie how he feels about that. He’s like I basically only date single mothers so yeah it’s chill. Hey Arie, why you tryin to play dad so hard? Let’s reflect on that. Seinne turns out to be the smart, cultured girl who doesn’t seem like an asshole (YET). She went to Yale and studied abroad in Brazil and Italy. Arie’s like I worked at a Pizza Hut LOLERZ. Bibz yaps all night about how she can’t have any time with Arie, so obviously we all brace ourselves for a fiery meltdown, which does not disappoint as she screams don’t f’ing touch me and storms away from the group. Now I REALLY regret going in so strong on her in my predictions. I let lust get the best of me, obviously. Speaking of lust, Arie and Bekah make out for an obscene amount of time and it’s beginning to gross me out. She’s basically a 12 year old boy. I’m concerned for Arie. Sienne gets the rose.

Cocktail Party

Brittany gets the first chat and Arie wants to check to see if she’s braindead/give her a computer printout of a fake certificate for her effort trying to kill everyone on their date. Bekah and Arie tongue more. All of the rejects who still haven’t talked to Arie band together to take down Krystal whose being greedy AF and won’t leave him alone. She’s already asking him if he missed her, Ughghghghghgh GROSS. And she’s all, I didn’t even tell the other girls that I saw your house!!!! Want a cookie, bitch? Obviously Krystal triggers me and I can’d decide if it’s her voice or…it’s definitely her voice. 100%. Bibz flips the F out on her because obviously Bibiana is the spicy latina who will have no issues popping off and speaking her mind even though she basically hasn’t tried with Arie at all. Either way, expect these two to feud it out for at least another week.

Rose Ceremony: Becca, Krystal, Seinne, Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S, Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B, Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, Bibiana

Jenny(?) storms by Arie like a drama queen instead of saying goodbye. Since he’s 37 and not 5, he follows her out to have a civil conversation about it. She’s like I’m not sad about you SEE YAAAA and squirms out of his hug. Oh, honey.