The minute it was announced that everyone would be wearing black to the Golden Globes in protest, a single black tear rolled down my cheek, LC style. But you know what? I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps and soldier on with my red carpet blog anyway. I’ve accepted this as a challenge to judge dresses that are almost exactly the same, thus completely going against anything Hollywood ever intended with this move. Maybe next time they’ll think twice about pulling a protest on the red carpet. TRY AND STOP ME FROM JUDGING YOUR LOOKS WHILE I STUFF CHEESE INTO MY CHEESEHOLE ON THE COUCH.

WORST

I remain completely unconvinced that this is Viola Davis. Seriously, try to prove to me that it is because it looks NOTHING like her. Who did this to you, Viola?

My irrational hate for Nicole Kidman translates to everything that she wears.

This red carpet’s trend was one sleeve and I couldn’t have hated it more.

I can almost guarantee that Angelina’s worn this exact dress before.

Mariah is such a joke at this point why are we even still inviting her to awards shows? Also wtf is that diagonal seatbelt strap? Is it supposed to distract us from the fact that her nipples are dragging along the red carpet with her?

Hey Halle, you can have a hawt bod and still not strut the red carpet in lingerie. Clean it up.

It’s the combo of the one sleever and the fact that this dress looks like it was hemmed to the wrong height that really aren’t doing it for me.

Get outta here Kendall, with that cupcake ass lookin dress.

The fanned collar and sleeve REALLY playing up a clown vibe here.

WTF is with this sleeve thing?

This gives me terrible flashbacks to when “boleros” were in trend when I was like 12 and basically I just wore a piece of fabric over my shoulders to middle school every day and called it a cardi.

This dress is stupid and I don’t have anything else to say about it.

If Amy’s dress didn’t have like a tie or a overlay on top or whatever else is happening up there I would like it just fine.

It looks like America asked to borrow her husband’s jacket because it was chilly on the red carpet or something. And I forever wish velvet would go away and never come back.

Little House on the Prairie edition of this year’s red carpet.

This vag panel is so beyond unflattering and makes Debra’s hips look like the widest canyon on this planet.

This is a frumpy frock if I’ve ever seen one.

I’m not down with the open front, mullet back dress and also is she wearing two different shoes?

Ugh. This dress looks like it was pinned together and then there’s those booties…

This dress is one of those that I looked at quickly and was like ok looks good, then saw it on screen as Allison presented and was like WTF IS THAT ATROCITY. So it obviously didn’t translate well IRL.

This dress is whatever but G belongs on the worst dressed for the way she quite literally tacked a fake pony tail onto her head. Looking at her straight on you can’t even tell, because that’s how awkwardly fake that ponytail was. Take my word for it, it was an atrocity.

BEST

Classic beaut, simple dress.

DAMN, CZJ, GET IT GURL.

Suave as a MF’er.

Ya girl Reese is apparently besties with every woman in Hollywood. I don’t hate it, just like I don’t hate either of these dresses.

In a sea of plain black dresses you had to know that I was going to be LIVING for any sort of deviation from the boring. This is sparkly and fun and makes us forget Margot Robbie ever donned 80’s puffy bangs to play Tonya Harding.

What a class act this girl is. So age approps and elegant.

Aziz looks like he’s posing for his school picture and it’s the cutest thing ever. My friend Kat and I decided that if we ever met Aziz we’d probably pinch is wittle cheeks.

What hot guy doesn’t look good in a black tux?

YAS Armie with the patterned jacket. His wife’s curtain tied around her waist can go.

The host looking fresh to death.

I’m willing to forget that Dave Franco awkwardly said “hi baby” into the camera 10 times when they told him his wife was talking to Giuliana on the red carpet because he has sparkly lapels and it is doing everything for this look.

Another subtle pattern making it’s way into the mix.

I love love LOOOVE this from top to bottom. It’s too bad she gets the shaft from BLL because she’s not in the inner Reese-Nicole kewl kids circle.

YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE A LITTLE SPAARKLE!

Laurie is crushing it without needing to have her tits poppin out all over the joint and I’m all about the pop of color with her shoes.

I’m just a girl, judging a red carpet, living for any sort of texture or pattern other than plain black. Also this cut is very flattering on her.

Oddly digging the top knot and plain dress here.

I know nothing about Sterling’s wife but I’ve decided in my head that she must be just like Beth on This is Us, in which case she’s such a ride or die that he was probably like I’m gonna wear this suit and she was like ME 2. And they look cool as hell.

COLOR COLOR COLOR!!!!!!!

Lotta onesie pantsuits up in this B. Hard flares aren’t usually my thing but I really love the top of this so I’m gonna let it slide.

This is fierce and I kind of want it for myself.

LOOK GUYS, WHITE!!!!!

He can do no wrong.

Keeping the gender equality alive on my red carpet even though I have nothing to say about the same black tux over and over with a good looking guy wearing it.

I mostly just want to know how it’s possible to have your boobs look like this without a bra. Like is this a celebrity trick? That they’re just perky and fabulous looking in a scandalous dress? Because I rip my bra off the second I enter my apt each evening and I have nothing but slops yabs. Kate, lemme know how you do it, gurl.

One of the best looks of the night. Respect the trend/protest because you look like an asshole if you don’t but add something to make it original. This sash and matching lip stands out and looks baller. High fives for MM.

FAAAVEEE OF THE NIGHT:

These two rolled up jamming out to JT’s new single and then when being interviewed Jessica was all, I couldn’t live my life if Justin wasn’t there to support me and take care of the house while I’m out acting. Could they be more perfect? Sigh.