Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – I’m Getting Dumber

The episode starts off with a ladytestant saying, “How’s everyone feeling today?” And from the sea of bitches, one solo Valley girl dramatic voice sounds, “I’m emotionally and physically DRAINED.” Are the girls trolling now? This girl whose name I can’t possibly remember didn’t actually say that in that way and be taken seriously, right? HERE WE GO.

It’s All About the Ring with Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana, and Krystal

Screen Shot 2018-01-15 at 8.28.07 PM

This is the GLOB (Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor wrestling) date. WOW. G-L-O-B. You’ve really outdone yourself, ABC. Today’s guests are two wrestlers from GLOW…a legit acronym and something more appeasing to the ear than GLOB. These OG wrestlers (like pre-Total Divas) harass the ladies for laughing and insult them with the intent of pulling out their wrestler attitude. Except oops, it backfires with Tia and Bibz, who can’t take the heat and leave the ring crying. The gals are like SEE YA, YOU WEAK GLOBS OF SHIT. Of COURSE Bekah’s the cool chick trying to become a pro wrestler and loving every minute of the date.

Ya boy Kenny comes back to slam Arie around the ring as the opening act while a bunch of these dum dums in shitty costumes watch from the sidelines. Highlights from the girls fighting: Bekah the black skank cat vs. Maquel the hideous lunch lady who beats her with a literal lunch tray. Krystal is a leopard of course. And Marikh pulled bills out of Lauren B’s underwear.

marikhwrestling

Later, Krystal makes out with him first then asks if she should be aggressive or hang back at group dates. Arie told her to be herself so she took that as, be an asshole. Bibiana complains about Krystal. Bekah talks about how breakups are good because it helps her eat better and hit the gym. Did I mention that I find her INCREDIBLY annoying? Her and Krystal can kick rocks. Ugh. Bekah gets the rose.

You Had Me At Merlot with Lauren S.

“I think it’s going to be a date about wine” MY BRAIN CELLS HAVE MELTED AWAY.

Lauren and Arie drink wine in a vineyard and talk about their early bedtimes because they’re getting old. No, Arie. You’re getting old.

Later, Arie asks what “came to coming here” for Lauren, and she replies with 15 different stories that don’t tie together. Ramble city, population: one of the Laurens. She admits finally that she feels like she’s not being herself and he’s making her nervous for no reason. So that’s a weird way to call curtains on all that word vomit. Arie grabs the rose to be like I can’t give you this because I don’t even know. But really. That’s what he said. He tells the camera the spark isn’t there. Probably because he wanted his ears to fall off. Cut to the MOST DRAMATIC suitcase pull ever and Caroline dissolving into a pile of tears. It’s week three. Calm yourself, Iago.

Love is Ruff with Ashley, Becca, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea & Annaliese

ASHLEY, BRITTANY, REBECCA, CAROLINE, CHELSEA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR., ANNALIESE, JENNA

We’ve got a dog “show” on this date. Would’ve been a much better date to just have a giant puppy pile but who am I to judge. Count Analiese out for any puppy interaction because of course we have another traumatic flashback to her almost losing her eye to a dog bite as a child. In quick summary, all of the ladies suck at wrangling pups onstage. Not even Fred Willard’s commentary can save this dog shit date, and that’s a true shame.

That evening, Annaliese has a traumatic experience with Arie. She doesn’t get kissed. And Chelsea interrupts her for a smooch. One day we will watch a black and white flashback about this with a sad heartbroken soundtrack. Chelsea gets the rose.

Cocktail Party

Bibiana bitches about not getting time still because that’s what she was put on this show to do. Bekah tells Arie that he likes her because she doesn’t need him. His response is, “You’re kind of nailin the, nailin the…nailin it.” Good talk. You’re getting flustered by a 13 year old, Arie. Seriously, check her ID already and get this over with.

Analiese asks for a kiss and Arie replies “I just don’t think we’re there yet.” AWKWARD. Then makes out with the taxidermy chick. DOUBLE YIKES. The girls coach Analiese to go back and put him on the spot and he’s forced to dump her pre-roses.

Roses: Bekah, Chelsea, Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren, Brittany, Becca, Seinne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh

BYE, BIBZZ.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Sleep with One Eye Open

s22e2

Hold on Tight with Becca K

Arie picks up Becca, hops on a hog and goes “so you just have to hold onto me ok?” Gawd, do they create every sort of sexual dating fantasy for every girl? I went three months in Italy thinking I was legitimately going to meet an Italian and he would take me for a spin on his vespa around the Tuscan countryside. Guess what I did instead? I spent three months getting drunk at a bar with 5 euro beers, talking to other Americans and eating a kebab every night before bed. So it’s safe to say I already hate Becca for this date. Krystal confesses to everyone back at the ranch that she’s seen a lot of body parts scattered from motorcycle accidents so THANK GOD she wasn’t on that date, because it would NOT HAVE BEEN OK. Nothing like replying to hold me tight with “I hope you don’t lose your torso when we both get smeared across the highway.”

becca

Remember when I was jelly of this date just from the motorcycle ride? Well it gets worse. They arrive at a mansion where Rachel Zoe is there and Arie acts like he knows who the F she even is. Becca does a movie montage fashion show for Arie while he drinks champagne and twirls her in each dress. And whatdya know, she looks good in EVERYTHING. So she gets to keep them all. He then gets on one knee and gives her Louboutins. Is this a dating show or did she just get gifted a million dollar wardrobe? Neil Lane, not to be outdone by Rachel Zoe, is like Becca, frost yourself with my jewels and now it’s just getting creepy that Arie wants to deck her out like a Barbie on their first date. Be more materialistic. She shows off all her riches to the other girls and one’s reaction is “they’re going to get married.” Ah to be the dumbass that thinks whoever gets you the most designer duds MUST be your husband. True love.

“Becca lights up the entire room all by herself” says Arie, but yet he still felt the need to completely give her a makeover for a simple dinner date. (Bitter, table for one.) He keeps explaining that he just wanted to spoil Becca but like why? I hope it’s not lost on her that he’s spoiling her with ABC’s money… They talk about his past experiences and if he can change her brakes so she can stop spending money on a mechanic. He can. Becca’s last relationship was an on and off 7 year relationship and PS her dad died. Despite that sad hiccup, Arie and Becca have like the best first date ever and that’s gotta SUCK to have 21 other girls get to date and smooch him after that.

Home is Where the Heart Is with Krystal

They fly to Arie’s home of Scottsdale, AZ because apparently something about Krystal’s porny voice said, I should bring this girl home on our first date. Of course he brings her to his high school and points out his first jobs and she just stares with her mouth open, basically. He shows off his home, where they look at photos and watch home videos and Arie pretends to be embarrassed even though he set this whole date up. And then my worst nightmare came true, he brought a girl he’s had one conversation with home to meet his entire family. On WHAT PLANET IS THIS NORMAL?! Not for nothing but Krystal and Arie’s mom don’t NOT look exactly alike if you know what I mean.

Screen Shot 2018-01-08 at 9.32.38 PM

At dinner, Krystal decides to unload about her shitty upbringing and how she took care of her brother, who is now homeless. After she describes her brother being attacked while living on the streets and having leathery skin and singed hair, she’s like so does that scare you? RUN, ARIE. RUN. They make out and slow dance to a singer whose name I already forgot. More importantly, Krystal rubs her head all over Arie’s shoulder while they’re dancing like she’s a cat trying to get a head scratch. The next morning, Krystal doesn’t want to tell the vultures all about her date and therefore they want to skin her alive.

Let’s Hit Love Head On with Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G, Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana and Chelsea

annaliese-puccini

We’ve got ourselves a little demolition derby where the girls decorate their own cars and then smash the shit out of each other. Annaliese can’t stop hysterically crying out of fear before the derby because she had a traumatic bumper car experience. What about children crashing their cars into each other and getting whiplash as a carnival ride ISN’T TRAUMATIC? Props to producers for giving us a dramatic flashback to a faceless child in a bumper car like she’s been abducted or something. Arie comforts Annaliese and doesn’t call her an idiot, which she deserved to be called for sobbing over bumper cars. We soon learn it was all bullshit (don’t sleep on Annaliese for being calculated) because the minute the derby starts she’s slamming into people left and right. She must have felt SUH much better after getting extra time with Arie to dry those tears. Seinne wins. Haven’t heard her speak until this moment, basically but good for her.

Screen Shot 2018-01-08 at 9.02.50 PM

Brittany injured herself from ramming up everyone’s bhole’s in her car so she can’t make the night portion. The girls pretend to be sad. Chelsea steals Arie first to reveal that she has a three-year-old son and asks Arie how he feels about that. He’s like I basically only date single mothers so yeah it’s chill. Hey Arie, why you tryin to play dad so hard? Let’s reflect on that. Seinne turns out to be the smart, cultured girl who doesn’t seem like an asshole (YET). She went to Yale and studied abroad in Brazil and Italy. Arie’s like I worked at a Pizza Hut LOLERZ. Bibz yaps all night about how she can’t have any time with Arie, so obviously we all brace ourselves for a fiery meltdown, which does not disappoint as she screams don’t f’ing touch me and storms away from the group. Now I REALLY regret going in so strong on her in my predictions. I let lust get the best of me, obviously. Speaking of lust, Arie and Bekah make out for an obscene amount of time and it’s beginning to gross me out. She’s basically a 12 year old boy. I’m concerned for Arie. Sienne gets the rose.

Cocktail Party

Brittany gets the first chat and Arie wants to check to see if she’s braindead/give her a computer printout of a fake certificate for her effort trying to kill everyone on their date. Bekah and Arie tongue more. All of the rejects who still haven’t talked to Arie band together to take down Krystal whose being greedy AF and won’t leave him alone. She’s already asking him if he missed her, Ughghghghghgh GROSS. And she’s all, I didn’t even tell the other girls that I saw your house!!!! Want a cookie, bitch? Obviously Krystal triggers me and I can’d decide if it’s her voice or…it’s definitely her voice. 100%. Bibz flips the F out on her because obviously Bibiana is the spicy latina who will have no issues popping off and speaking her mind even though she basically hasn’t tried with Arie at all. Either way, expect these two to feud it out for at least another week.

Rose Ceremony: Becca, Krystal, Seinne, Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah, Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S, Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B, Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, Bibiana

Jenny(?) storms by Arie like a drama queen instead of saying goodbye. Since he’s 37 and not 5, he follows her out to have a civil conversation about it. She’s like I’m not sad about you SEE YAAAA and squirms out of his hug. Oh, honey.

Standard
Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor S22 – Ranking the Contestants

It’s that time of year again where I determine who I will hate with the fire of a thousand suns based on what dum dum answer they gave to pageant-esque interview questions or what made up job producers gave them.

bachgroup

I’m gonna be honest I think ABC realized that they needed to get their heads out of their asses and really step it up from the most hated bachelor and Whaboom guy, and finally decided to cut the crap. These women are old enough to begin considering marriage (if that’s what you’re looking for on this show), the majority of them seem to have stable jobs (whether made up or not) and have answered the questions like normal humans. Whoa. Let’s dive in. *I usually rank them worst to best but laziness got the best of me this year and I left them in alphabetical order. Sue me. (Pls don’t.)

Ali, 27, Personal Stylist.

ali

Super normal and pretty. Will probably make it far…or her love for Nickelback will get in the way. I mean, I get that it’s a joke to hate Nickelback but who actually consistently listens to them? I couldn’t even list 5 Nickelback songs.

Amber, 29, Business Owner.

amber

Held a python once because she wanted to be like Britney Spears at the VMA’s. Every girls’ dream.

Annaliese, 32, Event Designer.

annaliese

Can’t live without cheese, admires Chrissy Teigen and Miley Cyrus, wants to be a Disney princess. BASIC BETCHHHH ALERTTTTT. (Also try to convince me that Ali, Amber and Annaliese are not the same person. You can’t.)

Ashley, 25 Real Estate Agent.

ashley

Fave movie is Superbad so I dig her.

Becca K. 27, Publicist.

becca

5 things you can’t live without? “Chapstick, facial lotion, bobby pins, popcorn, and stamps.” I’m gonna need to know a little more about why homegirl cannot live without stamps. HOW OFTEN ARE YOU MAILING LETTERS? Are you a professional pen pal? Do tell.

Bekah M., Nanny.

bekah

This bitch won’t even provide her age and she kind of looks like Peter Pan in that photo so I’m out on her.

Bibiana, 30, Executive Assistant.

Bibiana

I think I have a raging girl crush on Bibz just from this pic. Even though she’s wearing a cami ala 8th grade dances, she still looks like a goddamn model. Then I start to read her bio and see that she’d love to be an orca whale — Free Willy is literally my favorite childhood movie and I’ve always wanted to be besties with an Orca while Will You Be There softly plays in the background AND her guilty pleasure is popping pimples. DON’T FEEL GUILTY, GURRRRLLLL. There’s nothing that compares to the joy I feel when I hear that snap of a pimple and the white pus oozes out. Did I just take that too far and gross all of you out? Probably. But I know my gurl Bibz would’ve appreciated that and that’s why I think maybe I should date her instead of Arie. If it wasn’t clear yet, she’s my fave. Official walk-up song:

Bri, 25, Sports Reporter.

Bri

Bri looks like a sports reporter and could stand to tone down her showgirl makeup a little bit. Also is she looking for a movie deal with this answer for greatest achievement to date: “Putting myself together after heartache and winning an Emmy!” So this will be her back story and that seems pretty obvious. What an obstacle to overcome.

Brittane J., 27, Marketing Manager.

Brittane

Let’s first address how she’s spelling her name. Come on. As I’m sure everyone in high school did, I would be pronouncing that shit Britt-ayne. Other than that name, nothing stands out about her. Every answer ties back to how much she wants to get married so apparently she’s the one who expects to find true love outta this instead of a bunch of new instaG followers. Keep the dream alive, Brittaaaaaayne.

Brittany T., 30, Tech Recruiter.

BrittanyT

 “Where do you meet guys? I don’t… jk. The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.” PREACH, SISTA! Love a girl who can be honest. “Every guy I’ve met is a dirt bag. Thank you and goodnight.” At the same time though, if Tinder isn’t working, how do you know reality TV will be better? Hmmmm….

Caroline, 26, Realtor.

Caroline

Caroline also seems like a front runner. She puts on a mean Celine Dion concert in her car—she obviously hasn’t heard my sister and I bring the house down with It’s All Coming Back to Me Now, but whatever. She’d like to do a fake Hibachi birthday with Betty White, Ryan Reynolds & Vince Vaughn which seems like it could be a real rowdy crew. I bet Betty White can catch a flying chicken chunk AND would opt in for the sake shots. So all in all, she’s probs pretty kewl.

Chelsea, 29, Real Estate Exec Assistant.

Chelsea

Another real estate B in the game. Also shout out to Chelsea for really bringing through the pageant vibes with Do you prefer hot weather or cold weather and why? “My ideal weather would be mid-70’s sunny, with a slight breeze.” ALL YOU REALLY NEED IS A LIGHT JACKET!

perfect date

Jacqueline, 26, Research Coordinator.

jacqueline

J over here is this season’s nerdbomber. She’s trying to get a Ph.D. (had to google how to abbrev that) in chemical psychology, wants to build animal conservations in Africa or India or some shit and her career is the most important to her. I’m not knocking a career girl but in the past things don’t tend to pan out well for them. Color me shocked that a show where you “find your husband” could potentially kill your road to a Ph.D.

Jenna, 28, Social Media Manager.

jenna

Jenna broke her wrist on a mechanical bull and this gives me hard flashbacks to my sister’s bachelorette party where she took a spin on the ole bull, gracefully stepped off of it when she’d had enough and still managed to wear a soft cast for two weeks after because of the way she was holding the bull handles. LOLOLOL. Hopefully Jenna’s injury was more badass than that.

Jenny, 25, Graphic Designer. 

jenny

What are you most afraid of? “Picking the wrong person to marry.” Welp, Jenny. You’ve picked the wrong show.

Jessica, 26, Television Host.

jessica

Oh Jessica is a television host that clearly no one has heard of? I wonder what made her come on the Bachelor. EYE. ROLL. Our Canadian flavor this season, Jessica makes her country proud with this quote, “Kissing is my favorite food.” Goodbye, Jessica.

Kendall, 26, Creative Director.

kendall

Kendall is a weirdo. She’s weirder than the chicken obsessed freak from last season. I want to pick just one of her answers to focus on but honestly they’re all so baffling so let’s do a quick summary of them. Her spirit animal is a bat, she once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train, her ex gave her an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar and she loooooved it. She’s looking for a guy that can survive a Zombie apocalypse and would one day like to go to a hedgehog cafe. I can’t with Kendall. Either she’s a pathological liar or she’ll be telling these loony ass stories on every date with Arie and that’s something I can’t handle.

Krystal, 29, Fitness Coach.

krystal

When asked how good of a cook she was she answered thebomb.com. Put your spatula where your mouth is, Krystal. That’s some confidence right there.

Lauren B., 25, Tech Salesperson.

laurenb

Nothing about Lauren B was exciting which gives me PTSD to the last Lauren B. who was a plain bagel. We shall see…

Lauren G., 26, Executive Recruiter.

laureng

The Lauren’s are really shaping out to be a boring bunch. She seems fine, wants purple hair, watches This is Us, would like to be Oprah. Who wouldn’t?

Lauren J., 33, Recent Masters Graduate.

laurenj

Out of the 4 Lauren’s, I’d place my bets on this one. Mostly because I laughed out loud at her guilty pleasure: “Eating full meals in bed. Like putting a legit body towel over me and ordering pizza – no plates needed.” I’ve eaten full meals in bed but I’ve never gotten to the level of needing a full towel covering my body. Damn, girl.

Lauren S., 31, Social Media Manager.

laurens

Alright, fine. This Lauren is alright too. Seems cool because she likes Taylor Swift’s squad and otters. I relate to her only having participation trophies for sports because I, too, am the opposite of athletic. I know…it may come across as a shocker because I seem SUH coordinated.

Maquel, 23, Photographer.

Maquel

Can we get a phonetic pronunciation of this name? Nothing else really stands out about lil Maquey, other than the fact that she’s a baby.

Marikh, 27, Restaurant Owner.

Marikh

Marikh here is a chef so girlfrand who described her cooking as bomb.com better RECOGNIZE. I hope they’re pitted against each other in a cooking date competition. You can tell I’m starting to nod off reading these bios when I create a cast feud before I’ve even seen the first episode.

Nysha, 30, Orthopedic Nurse.

Nysha

Nysha has a cross tattoo on her middle finger. I FEEL like this could be taken the wrong way. I do appreciate her approach on what fictional character she wishes she was because 90% of these biddies go for Disney princesses and she picked Mulan. My fave Disney movie. I mean, I’ll Make A Man Out of You was the best song ever written. Respect.

Olivia, 23, Marketing Associate.

Olivia

Olivia is too young for Arie. I’m sorry but I’m just gonna say it. After enduring a season full of widdle babies for old, skanky Nick Viall, I just cannot condone this. Plus her favorite book is 50 Shades of Grey. Congrats on graduating college and learning more about what you’d like sexually but that shouldn’t be ANYONE’s favorite book.

Seinne, 27, Commercial Real Estate Manager.

Seinne

Besides being another realtor and having a unique name that I don’t know how to pronounce, Seinne didn’t stand out to me. SAARRRYYY.

Tia, 26, Physical Therapist.

Tia

Best trip Tia’s ever been on was to a swingers resort in Cancun. Tia does sex stuff.

Valerie, 25, Server.

Valerie

Val’s greatest achievement was buying a house in downtown Nashville before she was 25, further hammering it home that servers make more than I do with a full time job with benefits. Let that sink in.

If you’d like to lull yourself to sleep, read full bios here.

Standard