“I’m sorry this is not the Disney channel, we have no happy ending.”

We’ve only got one more episode of Empire before we have to go without Lucious creepily slurping on a lollipop for 3 whole months. (Seriously what’s with him ruining one of my favorite candies?)

After their midseason finale they’re going away until March and it looks like the set up for some cray-cray cliffhanger is going really well. I’m lookin at you, Anika.

How old is Anika supposed to be? In her thirties? Either way, her pining after a teenager is getting real weird. Especially while said teenager is now pursuing a virgin. I actually laughed out loud when Laura was like hey let’s make this special because it’s my first time and Hakeem smoothly replies, “As in you follow me around like a little puppy after this?” Instead of coming to her senses she just giggles, accepts some diamonds (specially made) and allows Hakeem to check his phone during foreplay. Hold onto that V-card girls, because one day you could have moments as special as this. But before he can give her that sweet, sweet loving, Hakeem finds out Freda is after his name and calls him out for a rap battle with low blows such as, “I’m the son that your dad always wanted.” Let me surely not be the first to say that NO ONE should be fighting over Lucious as #1 D-A-D.

Hakeem gets all up on Periscope and is like listen bitches, I AIN’T PLAYIN and announces that rap battle shiz is on with Freda-the worst-Gatz. And I PRAY that she’s outed as the shitty rapper that I know she is. Although realistically if anyone ever boo’ed her off the stage she would just shoot them.

OR Freda could stab someone like Anika is considering as she holds a butcher’s knife in one hand and a positive pregnancy test in the other. Dum-Dum Anika boinked the son of her ex-boyfriend, got herself blacklisted from the music biz and is now carrying a child. YIKES, grl. I’m not saying she should be contemplating a wrist slashing, but she has reason to pretty much hate her life right now. Things start looking up for her when she runs into Rhonda and they get some bullshit align-your-chakra smoothies togets. Rhonda reveals that Lucious acts like he has a heart around babies and has been checking in her a lot recently. A light bulb goes off over Anika’s chic pixie cut and she’s like OH, REALLY?! Obviously wouldn’t be the first time ole Lucious has gotten the “I’m pregnant” bomb but probs would be the first time it’s actually his youngest son’s baby. This family is gross. Anyway, I assume that Anika will be doing a little paternity lying but apparently not because she amps up the crazy later on and throws us all for a loop.

Another shocker this episode, was how much I was loving on Hakeem. I mean he’s a real asshole usually, entitled AF and super slutty but his sassy comments lately have been on point. For instance, when he goes head to head with Laz, whose none to pleased about the impromptu rap battle that could bring negative press to the complete farce that is “Cookie’s Cookout.” I curse myself every time I have to type that name. Hakeem swiftly puts Laz in his place…underneath Cookie, obv. JK he shouts at him, “No you a punk ass promoter so go hang up some flyers.” ZING city, bruh. Laz doesn’t love Hakeem’s tone and gets a little slap-happy with him except NOBODY gets to smack Hakeem unless they’re named Cookie so she’s like get your hands off my G-D son. BUT THEY’RE STILL TOGETHER. UGH, Cookie. Girlfriend. Get rid of Laz right quick. You’re better than this.

Don’t worry; she’s still cheating on Laz with her son though, sneaking around his apt to produce a new song to present to Pepsi. Lurking in the shadows when Lucious drops by to show off a new beat that KILLS. At least this one is just instrumental and not a bunch of booms that make my ears fall off. Either way, Jamal can only bounce back and forth between mommy and daddy for so long producing this song so naturally he pulls a Parent Trap and gets both of them to show up at the studio and merge their beats. He’s like hey I know you’re both not going to get re-married on the QEII but maybe you could just make sweet, sweet music together. It ends in them screaming and Lucious referring to Jamal as “his” son as if HE carried that baby for 9 months and then let it stomp out his vagina. Nice try, you piglet. They settle the worst example of parents post-divorce ever by betting on their kids’ success. If Hakeem wins the battle, Cookie can produce Jamal’s album and vice versa.

It’s a good thing the kids are more mature than their parents in this scenario. We have a quick wah-wah moment from Hakeem when he sees Jamal and Cookie face timing and is like WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME, MOM?! Then threatens to out their sneakiness to Lucious before the parent trapping. Cookie calls her son a snitch bitch, as good moms do. But then the Lyon boys smarten up and get together for some Doritos and hot sauce with a side of wisdom. Hakeem tells Jamal to treat their dumbass parents like business partners and Jamal gives Hakeem some pointers for how to crush Freda in the rap battle. Not that he should need any pointers because when they show the rehearsal Freda’s rap is a literal checklist. Like she bubbles out gibberish then punctuates it with a manly shout of the word CHECK! Sick rap, Freda. I have less street cred than Elmo and I could freestyle better than this bid.

But before we get to that juicy rap battle, Jamal performs this highly-anticipated Cookie-Lucious combo deal and to add a little more pack to his punch he wears a floor length linen cardigan for the show, sassily flipping it up when the beat changes. He also kicks around a lot, which I think is Jamal’s way of integrating choreography. Safe to say he should stick behind a piano from here on out. He snags the Pepsi deal, announces BOTH parents will produce his album while Lucious barks, “WHO’S GREAT?” over and over again. A celebratory moment, indeed. Until those two fiery personalities are stuck in a studio togets, of course. Who will get the rights to wear a fedora? It would be preposterous for them to both rock hats, obviously.

Almost as preposterous as Lucious standing in the crowd at the rap battle looking like he’s trying way too hard to be a young thug in Freda’s crew. Lucious, please accept the fact that you’re a dad of three grown men and do a billion times less.

Hakeem starts it off and kills it, obviously. Freda fires back with threats of shooting him because she’s a hoodrat who resorts to violence. She goes for the easy YOUR MOM diss and blows him a kiss at the end of her verse. I will begrudgingly give her props for the knock about Jamal’s tendency to wear nightgowns because that 100% deserves to be made fun of. Jamal and his linen housecoats are really pushing it. But anyway, everyone oohs and ahhs (a little too much if you ask me, not that I’m a regular at rap battles) and Hakeem keeps his shit together. He’s growing up so fast. Instead of getting aggress, he takes Jamal’s advice and wins over the crowd. He amps up a little call and response, moves around, spits some sick violence-free rhymes and finishes with: CALL ME HAKEEM BULLET TO THE NAME LYON. MIC F’ING DROP, yo. Then he beats the shit out of “Lyon” in lights and announces he’s going all Prince. One name ya’ll. Hakeem.

Too bad the artist formerly known as Hakeem Lyon is about to be a dad. After Anika tricks us all into thinking she’s gonna pin it on Lucious, she seduces Hakeem and he’s like no touching pls, I’m in love now but we can still be homies. Anika doesn’t want to be just homies though, as we find out when Hakeem puts Laura in a car after the battle and is all be safe, boo and we see a sinister Anika driving the car, wearing a blonde wig. So it’s comforting to know that Anika is emotionally stable during this pregnancy. This is about to get Lifetime movie good and I’m going to kick back and lap that shit right up. I can only hope she does a little psycho warfare on virginal Laura. Maybe even bangs Hakeem in front of her? Jus sayin, this could go places.

Almost as exciting as a made for TV movie plot, we have a new character and it gets a real rise out of Cookie. Apparently she has more than one sister and Candace (Vivica A. Fox) strolls into town because their other sister is on a bender and peaced out on her kids. Rather than being pezzed at the boozy sis, Cookie channels her anger toward Candace who is apparently a bougie-ass bitch who married a white guy with lots of pocket change. Even Lucious is like yesssss, Candace is back, and pops a bag of popcorn. I look forward to their class vs. trash dynamic.

Drip Drops:

– That music streaming guy that Lucious & Mimi drugged last week asked for a lot more money and everyone told Lucious not to sign the deal so obviously he did. Mimi is certainly a trustworthy chick, gr8 idea, Loosh!

-Via dramatic flashback we learn that Lucious made up the last name Lyon because he once slept under a lion statue. Innovative.

-I’ve heard hair described as greasy, I’ve heard my dad call the roads in winter greasy (unfortunately) but Cookie’s use of the phrase is my new fave. When greeting her sis with “You talking slick outcha mouth, real greasy.” I almost peed a little. This will now be my new reaction to anyone speaking.

-THIS IS HOW YOU WEAR IT, KIM K… WITHOUT A BABY IN YOUR BELLY.