Taylor Swift – Red (Taylor’s Version)

When we left things in December of 2020, I was at the end of my rope with sad Tay songs. We had just gotten folklore and evermore back to back and there were whispers of a third in woodvale. If you fast forward to the end of my evermore track by track review you’ll find that I said THAT’S ENOUGH. I couldn’t take anymore sobsies. Then a month later she announced Fearless (Taylor’s Version.) We have literally been inundated with Taylor Swift surprise announcements every few months for 2 years now. If you’d like to see my much bitched about rant on this “Taylor’s Version” era, feel free to click HERE and read #5 so I don’t repeat myself for the zillionth time. Down here on earth, I’m a rational fan. I can lose my G-D mind over her releasing a 10 minute version of my favorite song of all time and also be like ok, everyone calm down now. It’s too much. Short films and surprise music videos and her psycho fans are eagle eyeing every TikTok guessing which album will be re-released next. So from an old bird who puts her pajamas on the second she walks in the door from work, here’s a grounded view of Red (Taylor’s Version.)

*It is important to note that Red was released pre-The Salty Ju (so there is no official blog) but it is and has always been my favorite Taylor album. It came out in the fall of my senior year of college, it will forever give me cruising down the thruway in Upstate NY with peak foliage vibes and *not to brag* but I turned 22 that year so THAT SONG WAS BASICALLY WRITTEN FOR ME and anyone who has turned 22 since doesn’t matter and that’s pretty obvious. My age nearly matching up with Taylor has made her albums that much more relatable. Except for the fact that I never had a 3 month whirlwind affair with a Hollywood actor 9 years older than me. But whatevs, my point being that I’ve always been a Red stan and I’ll take any excuse to throw it on rotation and drive around on a crisp fall day singing along. Even though I never originally gave it a track by track review, it wouldn’t be honest to give my gut reactions to these songs I’ve been listening to for 8 years now, also there were THIRTY songs on this album so we will only be breaking down the 9 “from the vault” tracks we’ve never heard before.

Better Man. Alright so there’s two songs “from the vault” (alright, Walt Disney) that were actually written by Taylor and then when she cut them from Red, she sold them off to other country singers to perform. This one was handed over to Little Big Town. So it’s kinda cheating to be like eh this song doesn’t make the cut on my album, sell it to another artist and then circle back and be like I want it now. Total Indian Giver move. If you haven’t been keeping up though, Taylor does whatever the hell she wants now. So LBT can suck it. It’s a classic country breakup ballad though. Cause sometimes you can realize your ex was T-rash but still miss them.

Best Lyric: I know the bravest thing I ever did was run.

Nothing New (Feat Phoebe Bridgers). Immediately was digging on this song. Duetting with Phoebe’s haunting breathy voice really elevated the typical Taylor sound here. Seemed like something that would’ve fit perfectly on her last two emo albums except it’s not about breakups, it’s about when you’re not a shiny new singer anymore and everyone is over you. Based on the pop culture takeover that Taylor has commanded with this re-release and the fact that Spotify literally crashed on Friday at midnight, I don’t think this is a legitimate concern of Taylor’s anymore. And might I add, staying up past 11 on a school night when you’re 30 is embarrassingly difficult and being met with a Spotify “the page you’re looking for does not exist” was a real boner kill. I had myself questioning if I misunderstood which day it was dropping and after finally getting a lil listen in snug as a bug in bed, I was a literal zombie the next morning when my alarm went off. I’m getting too old for this shit. THANKFULLY we had a 7PM short film premiere and now coming up, a 10AM music video. Much more convenient. PS between the “I’ve had too much to drink tonight” and “how long will it be cute, all this crying in my room” I looked around to see if there was a hidden camera in my apt then realized it was physically impossible for 2010 Taylor to know that 2021 Julia is either drunk or crying or bonus round *both* on any given day.

Best Lyric: Criticize the way you fly/ When you’re soaring through the sky/ Shoot you down and then they sigh/ And say, “She looks like she’s been through it”

Babe. The second take backsies on Red (TV.) This one was released by Sugarland but did have Taylor featured on it so it’s not a total rip from Jennifer Nettles’ paws. It is a little weird though because Jennifer has a very distinctive voice so redoing any of her tunes is a stark difference. It’s just meh for me. “What about your promises, promises” would’ve slapped harder with a 3LW lisp. And to be even more honest, a little word association with the word babe immediately brings me back to the Jason Sudeikis & Kristen Wiig “Two A-Holes” SNL bit. Sucks to be you with a normal brain and have lovely positive associations with this term of endearment and then I stomped in and blew that right to smithereens with a callback to Jason chomping gum at warp speed, tacking babe on at the end of every sentence. You’re WELCOME, BEB.

Best Lyric: I hate that because of you, I can’t love you, babe (BEB.)

Message In A Bottle. What a zesty little banger this is! Again, total curveball in the grand scheme of this album. I feel like this would’ve popped OFFFF on 1989 and I’m surprised she lumped it into the Red era. Realistically, every song that Taylor writes and records is a message in a bottle. LOL to think that she’s like I wonder if the person will hear this. Yeah, girl. 90.8 million people hear the message. Anyway, there’s nothing deep to say about this song. It’s fun and 80’s and I can’t wait to dance my face off to it.

Best Lyric: You could be the one that I keep, and I / I could be the reason you can’t sleep at night (Honestly these lyrics are dumb, sorry not sorry. The song ain’t about the lyrics, it’s about having a crush and groovin it out.)

I Bet You Think About Me (Feat Chris Stapleton). The first time I heard this song I cringed because I L O A T H E when Taylor puts on a Dolly twang. It’s so tacky to me. You grew up in Pennsylvania, girl. If anything you should be saying “hoagie” like an uneducated moron, not have a southern drawl. (Please know that when I diss the PA accent, I’m fully aware of the fact that I say “calendar” like an uneducated moron. We’ve all got stupid accents depending on where we grew up.) Obviously everyone has heard “Our Song” and essentially every other song on her debut album where she put on QUITE the show with a little hick flair. While I do enjoy over-enunciating the words to Our Song just to piss off everyone around me, I’m still never going to be down with faking an accent just to do a country song. ESPECIALLY now that you’re a seasoned musician who has proven to be talented beyond belief. We don’t need the dog and pony show you were putting on as a fresh on the scene teenaged singer. Plus, in front of Chris Stapleton?! Girl. Do better. He’s a Nashville ruby red gem. The soulful voice of a cherub and the humble aw shucks I’m just grateful to be here personality that few actually have. I was a little disappointed he didn’t get his own verse like Phoebe did on her guest appearance. I love to hear Chris let it rip. But now that I’ve dumped on the lack of Chris and the presence of fake accent Taylor, I am happy to share that I do really like this song. The cocky laugh at the beginning and the tell-off ‘tude overall is GRAND. I love a snarky Tay. I’ll be the first to admit that 2010 Jake Gyllenhaal was a total babe soda, but my God what a dooooouuuuuuuchhhheeeee. Love that she gave us more ammo to DRAG him because any a-hole who brags about his indie music and his Hollywood connects and leads book talks over wine with his friends deserves to be pooped all over via twangy sass. Million dollar couch and organic shoes?! BOOOOOOO, JAKE, BOo0oOooOo0Oo. Can’t wait for this Blake Lively directed music video.

Best Lyric: I bet you think about me when you say / “Oh my god, she’s insane, she wrote a song about me” – This is the best possible way to end a song where you just DUMPED all over an ex. Wanna call me crazy, DO IT BITCH.

Forever Winter. Considering the content of this song is about someone being severely depressed, it slaps real hard. The way she goes up an octave in the chorus and the oh, oh, oh’s. Chef’s kiss. Apparently it was written for a friend who died of an overdose at 21. So yeah I feel like a real asshat for being like WOW COOL SONG, but also, cool song. Seriously, to have the ability to take a shitty situation and word vom all of your feelings into a bangpiece of a song is something I’ll forever be envious of as I sit on this blog and write poop jokes day in and day out. We’ve all got talents, folks. Some of them are just more impressive than others.

Best Lyric: He spends most of his nights wishing it was how it used to be / He spends most of his flights getting pulled down by gravity

Run (Feat Ed Sheeran). This was the first song Ed and Taylor ever wrote together and even though I’m a BIG fan of Everything Has Changed (and the adorable video that they made to go with it,) this song is like a warm hug after a shitty day. The simplicity to it and their harmonizing voices are perfect. Maybe if something like this was on Ed’s latest album, I wouldn’t have been so hard on it. The way they take turns singing each line is just downright delicious. I’m not saying I wish Ed and Taylor ended up together but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Best Lyric: There’s been this hole in my heart / This thing was a shot in the dark / Say you’ll never let ’em tear us apart

The Very First Night. Another bubblegum pop beat about falling in love and wanting to be up that person’s butthole 24/7. It’s a gift how I can take a cute little song and incorporate the world butthole into it. For realz though everyone knows when you’re in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and you want to follow that person into the bathroom so that you never have to be apart for even one second. It’s all fun and games and smothering until one time you get too snuggly while your boyfriend is eating dinner and he tells you to back off. HONEYMOON PHASE ENDS WITH A SHARP LEFT, FOLKS. Jus sayin. So enjoy this song and soak in the “I miss you so hard when we don’t talk for five minutes” glow while it lasts because as Tay sings…”we broke the status quo, then we broke each other’s hearts.” See? Dark turn.

Best Lyric: I drive down different roads / But they all lead back to you

All Too Well (Ten Minute Version). HERE IT IS BABY. Saved the best for last. Taylor dropped the “oh I have a ten minute version with swear words” morsel over a year ago at this point and since then I’ve been salivating in wait for its release. She obviously knew how savage we all were for this treasure and she built it up as much as one possibly could. Any true fan did exactly what I did upon the re-release of this album. Midnight hit (I refreshed Spotify 5 times until the album appeared) and I scrolled straight down to this track and smashed play. Nothing else mattered. I knew I would get to them eventually but first order of business was see if this was going to ruin the best breakup song ever written or make it infinitely better. And here’s my Salty Ju hot take. My very first listen I was not blown away. I felt like it didn’t flow. These new verses almost sounded like they were parts of a different song, wedged in and disjointed with the perfection that was the OG All Too Well. Then I slept on it. And when I revisited it the following day (SEVERAL times), I was able to approach with a clearer head. Obviously a song that’s 10 minutes long is going to sound nothing like the original version half its length. I’m so glad we got that one first and nothing will ever top it. But now I’m able to appreciate the bigger picture. And that picture is her spilling more tea on how much Jake stinks. And yes, I am absolutely here for it. I prepped all week to get in my feels and become one with heartbreak. The weather cooperated.

Forecast for Friday: 99% chance of rain & 100% chance of scream sobbing. Mother Nature is a Swiftie. #RedTaylorsVersion #AllTooWellTenMinuteVersion pic.twitter.com/KxX8dbLohR
— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) November 11, 2021

@thesaltyju
To ALL of my friends begging me to hang out…I’m booked on Friday night. #redtaylorsversion #swifttok #alltoowell
♬ All Too Well (In the Style of Taylor Swift) [Instrumental Version] – The Karaoke Studio

If I may go verse by verse of the new lyrics…*pops the top on a $7 rosé (shout out Wegmans)*

[Verse 2]
Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed
And your mother’s telling stories ’bout you on the tee-ball team
You taught me ’bout your past, thinking your future was me
And you were tossing me the car keys, “fuck the patriarchy”
Key chain on the ground, we were always skipping town
And I was thinking on the drive down, any time now
He’s gonna say it’s love, you never called it what it was
‘Til we were dead and gone and buried
Check the pulse and come back swearing it’s the same
After three months in the grave
And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you
But all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frame

I was hoping for Taylor to be so overcome with emotion that there were several F bombs. As someone who in the throes of a 6th grade breakup instant messaged “I’m so fuckin sorry” to my weasel of a boyfriend (of two weeks) for how much whining he was doing that I said we should break up so I could play the middle school field, I understand all too well how heartbreak (and guilt) can cause someone to swear like a sailor. Unfortunately, this much hyped explicit content was SUCH a letdown. Making fun of Jake for having a “fuck the patriarchy” keychain is SnOoZeWoRtHy. Come onnnnnnn. Give us some snarky F bombs not a “oOoh you’re a feminist but not really because you treated me like shit” dig. Besides that lamewad keychain, the additional lyrics further paint the picture that in these brief three months, their 9 year age gap was a huge point of contention and Taylor fell HOARD while Jake was more in love with himself than anything else. So right off the bat we get that she was WAY more into it than him and that he was almost ashamed or wanted it to be a secret from his snotty crowd.

And there we are again when nobody had to know / You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath

And then we get to my FAVE new verse. It flows like butta and honestly by like the third rotation of me listening, I was getting annoyed with myself that I hadn’t learned the words yet. Yes that’s right, a 10 minute song that was out for mere hours I was disappointed in not having known every single word of.

[Verse 3]
They say all’s well that ends well, but I’m in a new Hell
Every time you double-cross my mind
You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine
And that made me want to die
The idea you had of me, who was she?
A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on you
Not weeping in a party bathroom
Some actress asking me what happened, you
That’s what happened, you
You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes
Sipping coffee like you’re on a late-night show
But then he watched me watch the front door all night, willing you to come
And he said, “It’s supposed to be fun turning twenty-one”

OH MY GOD WHERE TO BEGIN. How about with that first line “all’s well that ends well but I’m in a new hell” YEAH BABY. THE FLOW. Then going right into the savagery of “that’s what happened, YOU.” Damn, dude. I don’t care how many years have passed, that’s gotta hurt. And then to double down with some good ole fashioned Dad guilt. Hey remember when you charmed my dad but then he watched me sob on my 21st birthday because of your stupid ass. MY DAD HATES YOU NOW. But also, not shocking at all that Tay spent her 21st crying instead of getting trashed. Without a lame 21st birthday…would we have gotten the joyful anthem that is 22?! PROBABLY NOT, so for that Jake, we thank you for your service.

And then if I may be a scooch critical… by adding in the previous verse, we kinda lose the buildup BANG of crumpled piece of paper and you keep my old scarf. The original “All Too Well” CRUSHES at building up to a real scream-fest and I love it a whole lot, but with this sprawling story, there’s really no screaming climax. I miss it. Don’t get me wrong, Verse 3 also hits hard, but it’s a more subtle slow burn. And then we arrive at the completely unnecessary final new verse where I was almost like ok, he’s got a family, let’s pull back here. It seemed a little TOO “wait let me make him feel worse.” If the final verse was cut I don’t think that I’d miss it. Plus the beat completely changes and it’s just weird. It feels to me like it doesn’t fit.

[Verse 5]
And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punch line goes
“I’ll get older, but your lovers stay my age”
From when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones
I’m a soldier who’s returning half her weight
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?
‘Cause in this city’s barren cold
I still remember the first fall of snow
And how it glistened as it fell
I remember it all too well

Like yeah, the pussy posse is always going to slay girls half their age, we’ve all accepted that. Leo’s getting the last laugh at any criticism of his latest young boo thing and I can tell you Jake probably feels the same way. Does it suck that he pointed out your age difference as the reason why things weren’t working then continued to date girls your age? For sure. But it seems a little dramats to compare your heartbreak to a war survivor. I realize I’m one of the most dramatic people on this earth and I’m telling a fellow drama queen to tone it down but it comes from a genuine place. Know when to amp up the drama and when to let it simmer. “That’s what happened, YOU” was a sick burn, no need to then be like YOU BROKE MY BODY AND I WAS AT WAR FROM DATING YOU. It’s too much, girl. Also, the use of the phrase “twin flame” will unfortunately always bring my brain to the two cesspools of tongue that are Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox and that’s not your fault, Tay. Obviously in 2010 you had no clue these two morons would tromp into the spotlight and overshare about their sexual connection. And I’ll be honest it’s not the only zeitgeist buzzword that has made me want to drill a hole in my brain. The term gaslighting, which MANY fans have been using as they break down this song makes me want to take a dive directly off of a cliff. I wish we could do a collective crash course on what the actual definition of this stupid therapy term is because METHINKS that it’s being used incorrectly 90% of the time. If I were to blindly believe the majority of the population these days, every man is a narcissist who gaslights. But that’s a story for another time. From this verse we transition into basically the same lyrics repeated over and over again with this sexy slow jam beat. Going out with a whimper not a bang even though it sounds like we’ve got a little horns section cookin at the end.

WHAT A JOURNEY. From the haunting and melancholy tone of the first piano keys to start to this echo-y sensual sendoff. It is basically a movie playing out in musical form. So much so that Taylor said, you know what? I’m literally going to make it into a movie. Never one to be less than extra, she created this short film to go along with the song. It was fine. If I was missing F bombs in the song they were certainly in no short order in these fight scenes. If you’re so inclined to spend 15 minutes watching a relationship break down as the leaves fall, check it out. Or even if you want to see Taylor as a ginge. (Spoiler alert: fast forward to the end for that.)

Would it have been mind-bending if Jake himself made an appearance at the end rather than just some schmuck named Jake? Yes OBVIOUSLY. But alas, it doesn’t seem like these two could bury the hatchet for the sake of shock value. And realistically, it seems like Jake’s sense of humor is trash so him being in on the joke would be way too much to ask. But after my RAMBLING breakdown of the song Swifties have been patiently waiting for, if you’re not a Tay fan and you just skimmed through this, I will give a 10/10 recommendation to her SNL debut of this song. Just from an artist performance standpoint, she rocked it. The drama and the effects and the emotion as she sang this song were all nailed perfectly and that’s saying a lot from someone who hasn’t watched SNL live in so long that I had to google what time it started. I watched the whole stupid show just for this one performance that I could’ve easily YouTubed the next morning but THAT IS DEDICATION FOLKS and it paid off. I had chills. CHILLS I TELL YOU.

As Colin Jost said immediately following this performance: “The lesson we all learned this week is never break up with Taylor Swift or she will sing about you for ten minutes on national television.” DAS RIGHT, HOMESLICE. Ok but seriously I’m done now for realz. I got what I wanted and now I’m going to play it on loop, learn the words front to back and ruin my best friend’s wedding this weekend by drunkenly performing it at the reception probably using my beer as a fake microphone. Congrats and every happiness to the new couple but…THEY SAY ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL AND I’M IN A NEW HELL EVERY TIME YOU DOUBLE CROSS MY MIIIIINNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD.

Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2021

HEY Y’ALL it’s your annual reminder that CABLE IS BONKERS STUPID and if I’m paying a subscription service to get cable why are they NOT tossing in the primetime networks for free? Pilfering cable logins just to get my awards show fix is getting REAL OLD. But that certainly didn’t stop me from doing it again last night. Shout out to my ex boyf’s parents who still love me enough to let me steal their login, feels good to be the golden child for once, even if it’s someone else’s family. I’ll take what I can get. #Grateful that I was able to shove salami and garlic stuffed olives into my facehole at warp speed last night while I HECKLED this awards show from the comfort of my couch. The fact that my out loud awards show commentary BY MYSELF isn’t a reality show at this point makes me really question the future of entertainment. Ratings would soar for the rosé-infused slob kebab in fleece PJ’s shouting “HE’S NOT NEW” when Jimmie Allen is awarded “Best New Artist” and then proceeding to ROAST him for crying as he accepted the award and admitting that he spent his last $50 on attending the CMA Awards a few years ago and he was living out of his car. With all due respect, I call bullshit, good sir. YOUR LAST FIFTY DOLLARS?! YOU SPENT IT ON A CONCERT?! Yeh. Ok. Anyone who has only $50 left is homeless. Let’s cut the shit on the rags to riches story. We get it, you’re grateful. We don’t need an overdramatized backstory. WoooOoo baby, I came in hot and for that I do not apologize. Get used to it. Best of luck to anyone who walked this red carpet cause I’m about to go IN.

WORST DRESSED

This is too damn much and if we’re being really honest, I’m kinda over Carrie’s sourpuss. As the most outspoken A-list country singer against the vaccine, they panned to her immediately after Luke Bryan’s “immunized” Aaron Rodgers “joke” and Carrie looked irritated as hell to be there. HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR ONE TIME. She’s giving off REAL betch vibes lately and I’m ready to smack that stank face right off her.

Two words: Leather Poop. Brown leather, REALLY KATY?! Come on. Not only is this a giant couch flavored turd but it’s unflattering as hell. I guarantee Katy is skinny as possible and yet this is hugging every crevice making her look like she’s preggers.

This was my “what fresh hell is this?!” moment of the night. Maren will literally never stop getting as close to topless as she can get on primetime and hubby decided to compliment his wife’s constant near nip slip with a poop suit and Hef slippers. Her whoutfit isn’t even tailored to her miniature height. It’s just dragging on the ground like a pair of JNCO jeans.

Meh. Plain black dress with Elle Woods pink clutch. Whatevs. Not awful but also LAME.

Puff the magic dragon all up in ya with this sleeve/shoulder flare.

Sorry pal, you know the rules. You wear a plain ass black suit amongst guys who actually take a risk and you can F all the way off onto the worst dressed list.

I’ve never seen a more mismatched couple. We’ve got this Judah Friedlander-lookin ass on the left going for hipster thrift store finds I only drink PBR “sTyLe” and then ice dancer pageant queen on his arm. Like she’s 100% looking for ABC to pick her up for this year’s Miss America.

I’m scrolling through red carpet looks and was the MOST taken aback by stumbling upon Susan Sarandon holding that tiny red clutch front and center. I’ll take WILDLY out of place for $500, Alex. Susan and her kit and caboodle purse with matching Dorothy heels took a sharp left turn out of The Polo Lounge and ended up at the Honky Tonk and she looks v. uncomfy. The white suit! The pearl necklace! Every detail of this look is church on Sunday.

If you’re going to rock a skin tight pair of Tiger King hot pants you’re A-S-K-I-N-G for it. The “it” I’m referring to is of course me vomiting all over your fashion choices. I get this chick is going for carefree gypsy with moonstones and funky blazer but TIGER PANTS? REALLY, BABES?! (I heard Adele call someone babes in her cool AF British accent and this will now be a thing I try to shove down everyone’s throats for about one week until I forget all about it.)

I feel like Russell is usually trendy as hell serving some looks with a funky color or pattern and PLAIN BLACK IS DEAD TO ME. I also just find this top heavy rhinestone sitch on his lady to be tacky. I’m bored with this. We’ve had over a year of cancelling awards shows and events and zooming instead of red carpets and I want my socks knocked off my damn feet with everyone’s comeback. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! Take a risk, homeslices! (I’m cackling as I type that because the MINUTE someone does something risky fashion-wise I also put them on the worst dressed list. And that’s why I’m a loser who wears a fanny pack and not a fashion critic y’all.)

What in JoAnn’s Fabrics is happening here?! Rogue appliqué flowers and *ONE* glitter boob?! What’s the right one got that the left one doesn’t?! Why does she get her moment to walk in the sun as a sparkly spectacle and lefty is just covered in plain ole pleats? THE INEQUALITY. And then you tack on cross dangle earrings?! Girl, pick a damn lane. Also, not for nothing but were the stylists really pushing the smoking loafers this year for men or WHAT?!

Dierks please for the love of God get rid of that mullet. You look suave as hell and then it’s that neck music that’s making me want to puke in my hands. And again, real ice dancer vibes in his lady.

Hard to pull off a classy Hamptons white party look when you’ve got a shag rug of chest hair protruding from your wife beater and we can see your ankle socks peeking out of your black shoes. What a G-D disaster. Plus, their whites don’t even match. She’s in white and he’s in cream. Who approved this?! For the record, this woman looks stunning. Beautiful, simple gown, her only cross to bear is Fozzy Bear on her left.

I wore a black shin-length skirt to my first bar mitzfah that had a very prominent baby pink ribbon around the waist that I took as a clear sign I should match it to my top, thus creating a hideous black and baby pink combo that I’m sure was kewl for 6th graders getting hopped up on Mountain Dew and moshing to Sk8er Boi but it has FOREVER scarred me to this color combo. Sorry my own poor fashion choices have created this bias but I really started to get the sweats when I first laid eyes on this suit. I can’t relive 6th grade guys. I bet I had watermelon pink rubber bands in my braces too. WUPH.

No joke I looked at last year’s blog and was fully convinced either it was the same photo or Old Dominion pulled a prank and showed up in the exact same outfits as the year before. I guess if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. But also, maybe fix it.

Saved the worst for last!!! What a putrid duo. Did these two dum dums think this year’s CMA’s was a costume party? Halloween was a couple weeks ago, honies. Tweed and satin and puffy floating sleeves and rhinestones and patterned tights, OH MY. KILL IT WITH FIRE. Even Kermit would sip his tea and be like hmm, not for me.

BEST DRESSED

Quite frankly I’m mesmerized by that teeny tiny waist on Caroline. What a rocket she is. Luke’s fine. Whatever. I couldn’t help but notice he’s looking a little Ken doll lately. Sometimes less is more with the plastic surgery, my man.

From one hat gal to another, I love that she’s rocking the hell out of this outlaw cap with badass braids and adding a little shimmer n shine to it only made me love it more. Not super flattering to have your top in the shape of an arrow pointing to the part of your body that naturally gets wider but hey you win some, you lose some.

Dan + Shay knew we were two nights away from getting Red (Taylor’s Version) and decided to serve us with some pumpkin spice latte coordinated fall lewks. I can always jive with a seasonal theme and these two look like they’d bring a homemade pie to Thanksgiving and whisper sweet nothings into your ear while you snuggle on the couch as the Tryptophan sets in. Did I just turn two earth tone suits into fan fiction? Mind your business.

Last year I delivered some hard truths to Jason: “Change it up, Aldean. Am I being kinda harsh? Yeah. Get over it. Let’s see something other than 90’s era jeans with a chain, loafer boots, graphic tee and cowboy hat. SPICE IT UP.”

AND LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE. Jason Aldean must be a Salty because he HEARD me. Fitted black pants and a SILVER jacket, Ok, I see you BB!

I spent a significant amount of time this weekend mulling over a purchase (discount of course) of a Cher Horowitz style plaid skirt. I love that this trend is coming back hoard and although I decided against purchasing the skirt, it was only because I have 0 friends and 0 places to be and I’m not about to waste fashionable separates on the couch. But then I saw this full plaid suit and I got the plaid tingles and the moral of the story here is I’ll probably purchase a plaid skirt and wear it around my apt just for the sheer joy of Tartan.

We’re doing a lightning round of male appreciation here and this purple suit is hot 2 trot.

Luke Combs is a back country man. The kind of guy that would probably rather be in a dive bar drinking Coors Light but also happens to have mad talent and I love the fact that he played it up for the red carpet. He probably felt like a real asshat wearing a velvet jacket and fancy boots but I tell ya boys, trendy evening wear every once in a while won’t kill ya.

The goons of FGL were CONSISTENTLY on my worst dressed list for like the first five years they graced red carpets. They were showing up in denim vests and feathers and drug rugs and all sorts of hats and bandanas and acid washed jeans. Their style was atrocious and they LOVED that about themselves. The minute I saw this photo I was like HA. Doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, famous or a loser, you get wifed up and that is IT for your experimental fashion. Every single woman cuts the shit with that REAL quick and starts dressing their mans. So I’d like to thank wifey for this transition. She’s killin it in this gown and Tyler looks debonair (never thought I’d see the day where I’d use that word to describe this hobo.)

Hot Diggity Dog, Jennifer slayed the performances with her powerhouse voice but before she could do that, she had to show up in a literal lace corset and pop that bangin body. I’m obsessed.

99.9% sure I also crapped on Darius last year for pulling the plain black tux out of his b*hole (AND he was host) so once again, we’ve proved that my blog is the top source for fashion goss among male country singers because he was CLEARLY like I better switch it up or The Salty Ju will come for me. It’s not lost on me how important my opinion is to my zillions of followers. So yeah Darius, ya crushed it by going for my weakness which is a royal blue suit every damn time. Fre$h to death.

Is Nicole Kidman going through a sexual reawakening? Because normally she’s giving off strong 75 year old witch vibes and last night she was arching that back and poppin that leg, booboo. Proud of her. And obviously I already drooled all over Aldean’s silver jacket and Keith is also rocking it. Metallic is my jam.

Last time I saw Mickey she was preggers and now she’s wearing a SKIN-TIGHT white gown. That’s as bold as bold gets. She looks PHENOMENAL.

What a snake move for them to pose as a group every year because the majority of the time they all look like duds except for one. Keep riding Kimberly’s feathers onto my best dressed list, Little Big Town. See if I care! But seriously, what a sassy fun party frock and the rest of them are attending a funeral.

I’m very into the white Martha Stewart turtleneck moment we’re having here. Classy and elegant!

Carly Pearce went through a public divorce from Michael Ray this year after being married for a whole five minutes and GREAT NEWS everyone judging completely by this one evening, she’s winning the breakup. She looks like a bombshell and she won female vocalist of the year. AND she smooched a hottie before accepting the award. That’s how you turn lemons into lemonade, yo.

This hot pink and silver loudness makes me happy. I don’t know if it’s because I’m making direct correlations to Barbie or if it’s the couples coordination or what it is. So kewl outfit but you still didn’t spend your last $50 attending the CMA’s while you were living in a car, I rest my case.

Look at this cherub in maroon. Missing his better half but I’m guessing she’s about to pop with their 4th kiddo and a red carpet wasn’t sounding spicy for her. Props to TR for holding down the fort in fashion.

I want the shiny white gown. I realize that the actual nominee in this photo is the dude and he looks nice and all but Katie Stevens was an actress in the all-time classic chick show The Bold Type and I follow her on Insta and when she posted this photo supporting her huz, all I could think about was how I want this dress. Whatta babe.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT AND IT AIN’T EVEN A COMPETITION:

TENILLE TOWNES, DO YOUR THANG, GIRL! I mean WOO I nearly fainted when I saw this photo. She is OWNING this sultry red power suit. And worth noting that Tenille will always have a supporter in The Salty Ju because in addition to serving looks, she also happens to be the sweetest human on this earth. Kindness, talent and a bangin bod will get you EVERYWHERE, folks! Take that to the MF’ing bank.

Music

Ed Sheeran – Equals

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the English orangehead loop-stompin monster back after a LENGTHY hiatus with new music. That seems to be the theme lately. I realize not every artist can be Taylor Swift, recording or re-recording a full album each month, but also WHY THE DRY SPELL?! Well, in Ed’s case, it was pretty understandable. Since his last record (Divide, fully reviewed by The Salty Ju upon its release in 2017) Ed has gone cold turkey with the partying, gotten married to a gal named Cherry, and had a baby unfortunately named Lyric Antarctica. So I GUESS he’s been a little busy. We’ll let it slide…for now. This comeback (but don’t call it a comeback) album is titled = or Equals and if you’ve been keeping up with Ed’s discography, is right on par for his math symbols theme. Although, if I may be picky, this seems like a final call if we want to get deep. He’s already released +, x & ÷ and you would THINK the grand finale would be = because that’s typically the end of a math equation. HOWEVER, he still hasn’t used – (minus.) Just some deep thoughts I’m having as I overthink the meaning of math symbols just like Swifties overthink every social caption she’s posted since 2009. Anyway, I’ve done my homework and listened to this album on repeat all weekend long in preparation for this blog. I just know you were all overcome with anticipation for this track by track review because you can’t TRULY enjoy new music until you’ve heard my opinions on it. So without further ado…EQUALS.

Tides*. The very first lyric that Ed sings on his comeback after an off the grid 4 years is “I have grown up, I am a father now.” WHOA. Ok, hot start. He’s setting that damn tone. We’re not going to have any cheeky references to your new douchey boyfriend getting his asshole bleached on Equals, because Ed is a DAD now, guys. It was with this single lyric in the first 5 seconds of listening to this album that I was like oh, fudgsicles. We’re about to get served with 14 songs oozing love and happiness for his new family life. And I have to be completely honest with you, I almost didn’t want to listen. I almost heard this first lyric, rolled down my window driving down 195 and tossed my phone right into the breeze. But I didn’t. Mostly because I’m still paying off that brand new upgraded iPhone, but also because I’m 30 now, guys. I’d like to think I’m mature enough to listen to music about people being blissful in their fairytale life and not want to drive my car off the road because that’s not where my life is. I’ve GROWN. (Quick context: as I’m typing this, I’m hysterically laughing.) But seriously, I’m going to try to listen to this album with an open mind even though I hate when musicians are happier than a pig in shit and therefore only release love songs. (See: Taylor Swift’s Lover which she conveniently released as I was going through a breakup. Thanks for that, TAY.) Ok, so now that I’ve given you that very lengthy preamble, I’ll actually get to the meat of this blog, judging the music. I really like this song. Musically, when he sings the chorus and then jams on those strings to bring it back up again, it makes me want to do a cartwheel. And you know what? I can. Because the message of this song is live your damn life because life is like an ocean, always changing tides, yo!
Shivers. This song was one of the few pre-released singles before we got the whole album. Click here to see my initial thoughts on the music video. As per usual when I first hear a single that’s a little different than what I’m used to from an artist I’m like KILL IT WITH FIRE, and then my hysterics calm down after a few listens. Now that I have the cohesive album, I’m thankful for these club beats to break up all of the I LOVE MY WIFE AND BABY deep cuts. #Grateful for a beat I can drop it down low to and not have to overthink. I’ll be sure to introduce this one to my playlist for the next kitchen dance party with my four year old niece.
First Times. There’s the Ed we know. The classic romantic, introspective love song. If this wasn’t so specific to his achievements in his career, I’d say it’ll be this album’s overused first dance song at weddings. But if I had to venture a guess, no one wants to slow dance to a song about how playing a sold-out crowd at Wembley stadium wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Gawd, Ed. BE MORE UNGRATEFUL. Just kidding, obviously the point of this song is to say that no achievement is worth shit without the love of your life, and every moment with them is the best achievement ever. Or whatevs.
Bad Habits. This was the first single Ed released back in June and I was downright scared. Our first taste of Ed tuneage in several years and he drops this jumpy beat with a creepy vampire music video. Read my kneejerk reaction here. And obviously, remember that I’ve toned it down since then. What a sneaky little B Ed is releasing the only two club jamz from this album to trick people into thinking that was his new sound. Then he drops the whole thing and it’s like GOTCHA! This song is another fun jam to groove to despite the fact that the lyrics are touching upon Ed’s years of going HOARD in the party scene which eventually led to him going stone cold sober. I get it, once you get your moneymaker sliced and diced by a royal sword, it’s time to reconsider if you need to take a beat from drinking…but that doesn’t mean cancel ALL partying! Moderation is key for all bad habits.
Overpass Graffiti*. ALRIGHT now we’re cooking with gas, baby. We’ve got a breakup song. It’s not a sassy tell-off, it’s wistful and sweet full of nostalgia but rather than being a total downer, it’s 80’s MAGIC. I love that he sped up this song and made it snappy. And those background scream-y vocals?! Oh, hell yea. Can’t wait to practice those at full volume in the shower. Plus to finish things out, he does my fave thing singers do where they take away the instrumentals and just sing with an echo effect at the end before the music kicks back in. I tell you, that and a good clap break in a song will get me EVERY damn time.
The Joker And The Queen. I really don’t like this song. I’ve spent all weekend listening to the album in full with no skips and every time this one came on my finger was ITCHING to next it right out of my ears. They can’t all be winners and a dramatically slow piano ballad with an old timey sound and unrelatable lyrics just didn’t hit with me. Total personal preference. Obviously it’s well done–Ed has the voice of an angel, it’s simple with just the piano and the strings and there’s a nice musical interlude that might be fit for a 1940’s black and white picture but sorry I’m uncultured swine and I just can’t get down with it.
Leave Your Life. I love the beat of this but natch the lyrics don’t resonate so much with me because I don’t have a popstar dad who goes on international tours. Ed wrote this song as a letter to his daughter in case anything ever happens to him. I used to go on and on about how I was my dad’s little mistake and that he was probably out playing a gig with his band Zipper at the Rusty Nail when I was born and couldn’t be bothered to come to the hospital. So I guess it’s kinda the same thing. Except my dad never wrote a song for me, he just wrote a bunch of songs about presidents, books and God. Your move, DEN. Also out of all of these songs, this is the only one that’s consistently been stuck in my head all weekend so it’s definitely got sticking power.
Collide. How appropriate that after his love letter to his daughter, he writes a love letter to his wifey. This is basically a laundry list of all their memories as a couple. It’s like when you sign someone’s yearbook and write a bunch of inside jokes. And honestly that’s kind of the theme for this album. I understand Ed is an artist and he wants to release songs that he’s proud of and all, but there’s at least three songs on this album that I can think of that could’ve just been recorded for his family and shared privately. It’s romantic as hell to release public love songs that are very obviously for one specific person, but that person is not me and therefore I’m bitter as hell about having to listen to it. Whoops, guess I haven’t matured. The effort was there, I promise. But also, no one cares that you two have been to an Irish bar in Rome.
2step. Fun fact, I got firsthand two-step lessons from a Texas girl in a Boston bar while I was schnackered. I’m sure it was a real sight for sore eyes to see a bar with 5 people in it and 2 of them are two-steppin to whatever bro country song was playing. Haven’t 2stepped since then. In fact, gun to my head I wouldn’t be able to remember how to do it. The Jersey turnpike is the only dance move that’s stuck with me. #sorrynotsorry This song is a nice lil groove about how dancing makes all your troubles go away, which I wholeheartedly support. It’s also OG Ed with the double time singing/almost rapping and oh boy is it good to have him back.
Stop The Rain*. What a cuppa positivi-TEA. See what I did there? Punny AND British. Also, just facts. This is a great anthem and I love it a lot. Plus it has CLAPS! The rain gonn’ come baybay, but just pop open that umbrella and keep on chuggin YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAAHHHHHHHH.
Love In Slow Motion. Alright, back to his lady. This is obviously a nice slow jam for all the married couples who have kids or busy lives and don’t take the time to do date night or focus on each other. Take your time away from those runny-nosed puke monsters and talk to your sig oth and remember why you fell in love with each other and decided to create those runny-nosed puke monsters to begin with. Or whatever. I dunno. I’m running out of steam here, folks. I had the open mind to start and then slowly but surely it started to close as each sappy love song started playing. We’re reaching the end of our rope here.
Visiting Hours*. Oh, great! I just admit I’m reaching the end of my rope and then we throw in a death song! READ THE ROOM, ED. Anyway, get ready to sob your damn face off to this song. It’s about wishing you could visit those you’ve lost and update them on your life and let me tell you, it’s beautiful and depressing all at once. Written for his friend who passed suddenly and sung at his memorial service, there will never be a dry eye in the house when this song is playing, I can assure you that. And not for nothing, but the composition of the song, using backup vocals in certain parts, the horns section and you guessed it, my favorite break for vocals only with no instrumentals at the end, CHEF’S KISS.
Sandman. Remember when I was like hey maybe some of these songs didn’t need to be on a public-facing album that people spend money on? DING DING DING DING. I’ll take “A lullaby for your infant daughter” for 500 please, Alex. AUTOMATIC SKIP without even a second thought. I don’t have children so maybe those Ed fans who are parents will appreciate him including this but I sure do not. I didn’t think I was listening to Raffi’s greatest hits and therefore when this hit my eardrums I had to do a double take and be like did Spotify pull a fast one on me? Appreciate the calming island vibes but I’m lulled to sleep the normal adult way, to the sounds of a sitcom I’ve seen 9 zillion times. Shout out to the zesty way he sings “shake of a lamb’s tail” though. I’ll give him that.
Be Right Now. Alright, we’ve made it to the end and the message as it has been on every other song so far, is LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. This closer is about living in the moment and it’s a got quite a club beat but is also oddly soothing. A conundrum of a song to ease us on down the road. It’s a breezy palate cleanser to leave you twirling away from this chapter of Ed’s life. Also, I originally bitched about how long he’s gone without putting out music and then as I was diving into each track, I learned that he started working on this album in 2017 so my apologies for being a greedy dirtbag, apparently works of art can take time. Another note I’d like to make, the last track and the first track flow SEAMLESSLY together. A couple times I wasn’t paying attention and this song ended and Tides began and it felt like just a continuation of this tune. So well done for all your repeat listeners, Ed (whether you intended it or not) we’ve got two great bookends to this story!

Overall Notes: I mean not to beat a dead horse here but obviously this album is REAL specific to the place Ed is in currently and therefore lacked a lot of relatability for me. And again, not just because I’m a single bitter loser, but also because each song had SUCH detailed accounts of memories or things that have happened in his life. Certainly much more of a diary entry album than songwriting and music that we can all apply to our lives, which is how people typically connect with songs. It’s not a bad album by any means and it has a great and uplifting theme overall, but it’ll be lower on the list in my personal rankings, which are as follows: 1. Divide 2. Multiply 3. Plus 4. Equals. And remember that these criticisms come from someone who has never written a song, lacks all musical talents and just has a lot of strong opinions SOLELY based on her own worldview. So, if you loved this album and it made you feel like you were floating on air, more power to ya-take my sass with a grain of salt and a shake of a lamb’s tail.

Salty Stories

The Seven Year Itch

Wanna know the benefits of starting your own blog? You get to treat it like it’s your only child and celebrate its birthday like a basic bitch. Listen, chicks get a whole MONTH of celebrations so just LET ME HAVE THIS, alright?! In case you haven’t heard…it’s the 7th birthday of The Salty Ju. I could refer to it as my blogiversary but The Salty Ju is a persona and I may not have suffered through hours and hours of grueling vag-ripping labor to birth her but I HAVE spent the last seven years dedicated to cultivating this brand and devoting more of my time creating fresh content than I have at any job I’ve ever held. SEVEN YEARS. Unpaid I might add. In fact, one could argue that I actually lose money each year because I pay WordPress an annual fee to secure my right to blab all over the internet whenever I damn well please. (My Venmo is open to donations.)

So anyway, you’re probably wondering why I brought you all here. The truth is, I never miss an opportunity to talk about myself and since last year’s Salty Ju Birthday was basically just an appreciation post for making it through 2020, I thought it might be nice to reflect on this past year because even though this blog is inconsequential to everyone’s life but mine, some cool shit happened this year!

Salty Stories, Yo

Exactly 1 year ago, I finally bust outta the ole parents house (perhaps third time’s a charm) and hit the ground running as an independent woman (read: living off of government money and stinking of desperation for a job.) This turned out to be a recipe for SUCCESS for The Salty Ju. It turns out you’ll share just about anything on a blog once you hit rock bottom in life. What’re the consequences going to be?! Part ONE of that was establishing “Salty Stories”, a fun lil segment where I write deeply personal essays that paint me in a real vulnerable light and invite you all to laugh at my misfortunes. IT’S HOW I COPE! And I did a whole lot of coping this past year. Anytime something ridiculous occurred that made me want to cry, or something irritated the shit out of me and made me want to rage my face off, I put it in the blog, baby. Starting with my tall tale of the time an assassin at Supercuts ruined my head for my Gam’s funeral right up to my middle finger to dressing professionally for work, we had ourselves a year in embarrassing story time! Feel free to catch up on any you might’ve missed below.

Hype House, Party of 1

Part TWO of that IDGAF if people judge me mentality came in the form of videos. I’m not going to call them TikToks because that paints a picture that I’m setting up a tripod in public places and doing the renegade to the hottest song of the moment. And that is the opposite of what I spent this past year doing. TikTok may have been the main platform that I shared my idiotic videos on, but considering the fact that I just googled “TikTok dance” just to make that joke, I am most CERTAINLY not a TikTokker. Plus that app is dumb as hell and I still haven’t figured out how to do anything useful on it a whole ass year later. So instead, I’ve downloaded 100 other apps to get the job done. Either way, the key takeaway here is that exactly 2 weeks after moving into my new apartment, I was so excited to not have any judgmental onlookers in my home as I film 900 takes of me lip syncing a song, that I blew a fuse trying to create a dramatic storm effect for a 17 second video (see “Celine Dion Made Me Do It” above for full recap.) And really, it all just spiraled from there. If I thought something was funny, you can bet your bottom dollar I was playing the role of a 1 person non-union film crew to bring that idea to life for your social media screens. I don’t even want to venture a guess into how much time I spent filming myself dancing, singing or making cocktails by my lonesome. Let this be a lesson to all that content creator is a mindset. If you believe it, you can create it! Please enjoy a smattering of me doing my best Spielberg via stupid internet videos this past year. (I can’t post every single video so I’ll sprinkle in a few and you can scoot on over to my Tok for the rest.)

@thesaltyju
Oops I thought I could do sexy Halloween at 30. #halloweenfail
♬ original sound – The Salty Ju

@thesaltyju
How I survive being in an office 2x a week. #snackgamestrong #snackdrawer
♬ original sound – The Salty Ju

@thesaltyju
Today’s WFH vibe.
♬ original sound – The Salty Ju

@thesaltyju
Lint Porn. 😍🥵 #satisfyingvideos #itsgettinghotinhere #laundrytok
♬ Simply Sensual Sounds – The Smooth Sax Man

@thesaltyju
A year of quarantine as told by Taylor Swift and increased alcohol consumption. #swifttok #folklore #yearinthelife #drinkup
♬ original sound – The Salty Ju

@thesaltyju
A little late to this trend…probably because I’m a side part lovin’ millennial 😂 #hotgirlshit #loungewearorchastitybelt #onesiesquad #feelinggood
♬ busy doin hot girl ish – Chelsea

@thesaltyju
Blew a fuse in my apt trying to get the “storm” effect. So this @celinedion duet better be appreciated. #celinedionchallenge #allcomingbacktomenow
♬ original sound – The Salty Ju

The Salty Ju TikTok

Baby’s First Published Piece

After writing a book last year and realizing that not a soul on this earth would publish a nobody’s memoir, I decided to dabble a little harder in the “professional” writing game. Put a little something on the scoreboard, so to speak. I buffed up on writing satire and lo and behold, managed to get published by someone other than myself, sending my big head into another stratosphere. And I’ve had a case of the yips since then. It’s all about balance in life and if I were to end up being published on a regular basis I think I’d just get out of control, so it’s really for the best that these two pieces were my shooting star moments. Maybe one day I’ll strike again but right now I’m busy workshopping some ideas, editing my book, and writing a rambling useless post celebrating the birthday of my blog. Suuuuuper bogged down. Either way, getting published legitimized me (in my own brain) and I casually began to refer to myself as a comedy writer to strangers I crossed paths with. It felt right until I harmlessly dropped it in the interview for my current job and I then had to endure everyone on this planet introducing me around the office as THE comedy writer. When a Zoom call full of librarians stare at you like “oh you’re a comedy writer, tell us a joke,” the title really loses its zest.

An Open Letter to Couples on Venmo | Points In Case

We’re The Government But You Poors Can Just Refer To Us As A Helping Hand | Rejected Writers

Prepare for Global Domination

And LASTLY (if you’ve gotten this far, you a real one) after spending a no-shower Sunday revamping my entire blog, designing amateur graphics via my homeslice Canva and reorganizing all of my content so you can revisit my old classics (you’re welcome), I got an Instagram DM from across the pond. Turns out a kindred spirit ALSO took the time during quarantine to dive into the fiery hot garbage that is the Real Housewives franchise and try out new cities. While I immersed myself in NYC and New Jersey, this gal went for Beverly Hills and upon googling the drama, stumbled upon my little corner of the internet. Once upon a time (before I realized how time consuming it was) I was in the TV episode recapping game. Now that I’ve spiffed up the blog, you can find all of my old TV blogs divided by show under the Television tab! How CONVENIENT! AnYwHo…this was by far the coolest thing to ever happen to me and I promptly screenshotted it to everyone I’ve ever met. If I may quote my new fan from across the world:

I just wanted to say thank you from an Irish girl living in the UK for making me laugh during a global pandemic.
My First International Superfan

Booyah, Grandma. Who would’ve thought 6 years ago as I feverishly jotted notes while watching TV, created an outline before bed and made sure I wrote the recap at work the next morning to publish by 9AM that someone would still be laughing at it this many years later. OI…sounds to me like SHE’S HERE, SHE’S THERE, SHE’S EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE, THE SALTY JUUUUUUUUUUUU, THE SALTY JU.

So, as it turns out the “Seven Year Itch” doesn’t have to just refer to crabs. (This is what I assume the phrase was invented for until we eradicated pubes from our lives.) It was a productive year of shaking things up for your girl and I’m excited to forge ahead into “The Ocho.” If you’re reading this right now or have read, shared or laughed at one single thing I did this past year, I want to just smooch your face off with gratitude. Sure, I can easily cackle at myself and be entertained all the live long day, but having people to share it with and bringing giggles to your life is actually what dreams are made of, Lizzie McGuire style. GRAZIE MILLE!

Salty Stories

Abolish Biz Casj.

A portion of this HEAT on the art of business casualwear was originally written in 2013 upon my entry into the workforce post-graduation. I can confidently say that ten years later, I still don’t know what the hell is approps to wear to work. Therefore, I have made many edits to the original “blog” now that I have almost ten years of perspective and about 6 million jobs under my belt.

Let’s talk about business casual for a second, shall we? Now despite my obvious obsession with using casj to describe everything in the world, where does casj actually come into play in business casj? Seems somewhat like an oxymoron, no? Here are my two main problems: Numero uno, I think dress “slacks” or business suits are meant for the 50 and over crowd or Hillary Clinton. This essentially rules out any of my options for weather less than 60 degrees. So basically I can’t dress for a job 9 out of the 12 months of the year in Upstate New York. Makes sense. However, this means that for those three summer months I can wear sassy dresses and look like the most feminine but also professional chick this side of the Hudson. Which leads me to my next problem: I’m 5’8”. I know that you’re thinking, oh she’s 5’8”– probably has legs for days. And you would be absolutely correct. My legs are my best asset, tysm for noticing. HOW-EV-ER, you probably didn’t account for the fact that deeze stems can turn any “normal length” dress into a downright scandal. Again, I know you’re thinking it but please don’t compare me to a Victoria’s Secret Angel, unless the Angels eat cheetos and bagels every day and haven’t had a thigh gap since middle school.

While we’re on the topic of middle school, let’s all hop into the magic school bus with me (Ms. Frizzle, obv) as your host to zip on back to 2003 when my trauma with appropriate dress truly began. It was the tragic days of pre-teendom when a girl shoots up like a beanstalk and gets little baby boobs that barely justify forcing her mom to buy her a lime green training bra at Limited Too. This is right around the same time that the school starts implementing dress codes because the 12 year olds want to show off said lime green bra to impress their AIM boyfriend who they’ve never actually talked to in person. If this sounds like folklore to you, it’s because 12 year olds today look like they’re 21 with their shiny hair and curvy bods as they earn more than their parents just by shaking their perfectly round a$$es on TikTok. If I sound bitter, please know that I am. Rest assured none of today’s lil hoochies will ever develop a sense of humor or a personality that one can only gain from the series of unfortunate events that I’m about to unfold for you. Once Spring hath Sprung, so did my little awkward body into some shorts and dresses for school. This is when I started frequently being pulled over, mid-morning commute in the busy hallway coming from homeroom. I’ve never been pulled over in real life but I can imagine that everyone walking the halls looked at me with pity much like drivers do as they zoom by someone who got nabbed on the highway for speeding. Except these were my formative years. My years when showing off your lewk on the way to Language Arts was the highest form of self-assurance. Instead I had a “supervision aide” (Note: this is a WASP way of saying hall monitor, and let’s be real if you have a fake bougie title to make your job that is completely unnecessary sound better, you’re probably the type of person who has a real power trip in life) scolding me for my “inappropriate clothing.” Just so we’re all clear, I did not have a Mean Girls-esque cool mom who let me watch Girls Gone Wild and go to school wearing belly shirts and booty shorts. Neither my asshole nor my RB curtz were visible, so this really shouldn’t have been a problem. This is when the fingertips rule was first thrust upon me. You may wonder what fresh hell the fingertips rule is and OoOh baby I’m about to tell you. This is the rule, 1 zillion percent made up by school administrators, where if you put your arms down at your sides, the dress or shorts that you’re wearing should be longer than your fingertips. I felt personally victimized by the fingertips rule. I’ve had the body of Gumby since I was 10 years old. No one with long legs has short arms. THAT WOULD BE A T-REX. So naturally, my fingertips basically hung around my ankles. Just kidding, I’m not an ape, jeeze. But seriously, I was told I could only wear shorts that passed the fingertips test.

Telling a freshly hormonal teen just trying to be cool as shit that she can only wear men’s shorts to school is basically social suicide. Naturally, like a baby bitch I cried to my mom, who promptly called the school (yeah she was a Karen before Karen’s existed so take THAT), which then led to a principal’s office fashion show. I shit you not, I was requested to model an array of American Eagle shorts for my MALE PRINCIPAL to approve if I could continue to wear them to school or not. Why? Because I was being threatened with punishment for not following the dress code JUST BECAUSE MY BODY BUILT DIFFERENT, BABY. I think we all know this scene would never take place today. Principal Creep would’ve been cancelled so fast it would’ve made your head spin while I strutted my booty shorts down the hallway. Regardless, this perv allowed a select few pairs of shorts, and I’m pretty confident they were all bermuda shorts. A trend that try as I might, I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about how hideous they were. You know what doesn’t look good with a big ole booty and long legs? Shorts that are fitted and knee-length. Add braces, frizzy hair and an AGGRESSIVE sweating problem to that and you’ve got 7th grade Julia in a nutshell. THIS IS WHY I’M FUNNY. (Seriously, peep that wide angle, knee length khaki cargo skirt.)

*Credit to me for going significantly shorter in 8th grade. TRY AND STOP ME NOW I’M ALMOST IN HIGH SCHOOL.*

So, as you can see from my digression, the fingertip rule has haunted me my entire life and posed a real problem when faced with business casj. The first job that I was required to dress professionally (not wearing a Wegmans polo and black pants) was working for my dad at his small window and door business. By small I mean it was me, my dad and one other employee who was in her early twenties. Most people who work for their dad get that straight nepotism treatment and collect their check as if it’s basically allowance. When I worked for my dad, he made me cry for what I thought was perfectly acceptable office attire. WHAT A MEAN DAD. I showed up to my first day of work the summer between my sophomore and junior year of college wearing a shiny short sleeve blouse with beads around the neck, black shorts and black flats fit for the Mayflower with a ginormous silver buckle on them. My dad immediately shouted WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?! And told me to go home and change. Sweat trickled down my back as I flashed back to 7th grade and looked around to see if my crush Brogan was watching this go down. Then I remembered I was 20 years old and thought I could WEAR SHORTS TO AN OFFICE. No seriously, I fought him on this. I go these are my dressy business shorts. BUSINESS. SHORTS. Who the hell did 20 year old Ju think she was? I dug my buckled flats right into the carpet and told him this was a nice outfit. I even brought my mom into the fold trying to get her to defend me. I was on my own for this one, partner. We were back to the Principal’s fashion show except this time, my mom was taking me to the mall to buy business casj and model it for my DAD afterward. Needless to say, the shorts were never worn to the office again. I can confirm, however, that I wore them out on the town NO LESS THAN 100 TIMES, further proving that these shorts had no business being near the word business. Frat parties, bars, concerts, you name it, these shorts made an appearance over the next 5 years until I inevitably got too fat for them. Please enjoy a slideshow of my “business professional” black “dress” shorts. (Sorry for being a trash monster employee, dad.)

From there we graduated to knowing that shorts were a hard no, but learning that I could wear bike shorts underneath my dresses that were too short. That way, if I bent over someone gets an eyeful of black spandex rather than butthole. It was genius. I could continue to go from daywear to evening wear with just the removal of my spanky pants. No more measuring the fingertip to fabric ratio in the Forever 21 dressing room when you’ve got a failsafe. Think smarter not harder. I continued to do this with crop tops–add a tank top underneath and wear a high skirt, bingo bango, biz casj. I really started to push it when working with my sister at my first full time job post-college. My boss was no longer my dad, but I pushed hard for the reinstatement of casual Friday’s, emboldened by the fact that my sister was now my co-worker and everyone listened to whatever she said. Casj Friday’s consisted of us rolling in hungover from Dollar Thursday’s at the Sky Chiefs game wearing jeans, a graphic tee and reeking of Bud Lattes. Apparently casual days also extended to all of winter as I took the liberty of wearing my zebra Snuggie full-time because the heat wasn’t properly circulating in my cubicle. The issue that many people face, but few discuss with a Snuggie is that it’s far too long to walk in and there’s nothing that keeps it intact as you move freely about the cabin. Again, it was my big brain that tackled this fashion faux pa by instructing my sister to snap the back of my Snuggie shut with binder clips and walk the halls of our office like I was checking in on my disciples.

As I cycled through jobs (ooh baby did I cycle), I always started out strong, trying my hardest to look profesh. Putting my best foot forward. I began to wear dresses that ALMOST hit my knees and begrudgingly, I began to accept that business slacks were inevitable. When I started a new job in spring of 2019, I got all sorts of jazzed for the fresh start, went out and bought leopard and red biz pants to show that not only was I destined to be in the C suite someday but also I’d be trendy as hell when I finally made it. My first day I rocked those red pants like you wouldn’t believe. Came home and made my boyfriend do a full photoshoot of me on the porch like it was the first day of school. Went to change into my jammies later on and THAT’S when I realized there was a gaping hole right down the seam of the butt of these pants. My first day ABIDING BY THE LAWS OF BIZ CASJ and everyone still got front row seats to my buhhole. What a treat for all.

*Too busy lookin profesh AF to feel the breeze on my butt cheeks.*

It was then (and three days later when while wearing my leopard dress pants my boss quit and left me high and dry at a brand new job) that I decided it was time to give up on perfecting the art of business casualwear. Being that I was working in the entertainment industry, it was finally time to let my freak flag fly. Graphic tees and jeans AWL DAY. And guess what? Never once did I get canned for my 🔥 flamin fits, SO HA.

*This shirt was probably accurate, this company was RIPE with happy hours.*

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And once again, we’ve come full circle, as life tends to do. After being unemployed for almost 2 years, wearing coordinated sweatsuits or jazzy bike shorts depending on the season, ditching the notion of a bra completely, I am once again expected to dress in officewear. What was a problem for my lanky ass body in 7^th grade, is even more of a problem today as the length of any fabric of clothing (top or bottom) has ceased to exist. I was recently at a country concert in the year of our Lord 2021 and saw so much belly and bits between the crops and the junderwear on the youths, I felt like we needed Chris Hansen to come break up the party, STAT. And I’ve gotta find dresses that are long enough for work?! Get the hell out of here. Unless I’m shopping at Target’s recent colonial woman churning butter collection (the women’s section), I’m fresh out of options. Picking out a work outfit that isn’t pajamas and isn’t a “try to keep up with the trends so you don’t look old in a bar” specialty is a straight up nightmare. And therefore, I propose we eliminate the mere notion of BUSINESS CASUAL. What EVEN IS IT?! Me rocking my fresh new leopard fanny pack to work with a stack of my business cards inside of it? That’s biz casj as hell. I do my job just as well in my cozies as I would in ripped slacks trying to fit the part. SO LET IT HAPPEN. Who’s with me?! Let’s hit the picket line. ABOLISH BIZ CASJ OR WE STRIKE!

Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2021

Is it too soon to say we’re back? Cause I *THINK* we’re finally back with awards shows. Hopefully no more Zoom awards or 15 locations or celebrities pretending they wear masks or socially distance or WUTEVER. If you’ll recall this time last year we were judging people’s pajamas from their laptop screen grabs. It was dismal. AND NOW we’ve got people ACTUALLY getting dressed and walking an ACTUAL red carpet again. Look how far we’ve come! The Emmys were as normal as they could’ve been for an awards show that picked a comedian straight out of the early 2000’s to host. CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER?! REALLY?! Besides my untethered rage for that, I managed to watch the entire show and grin every single time Ted Lasso scooped an award, beaming from my couch proudly as if my own besties were accepting. Happy for them. Most importantly, I drove 4.5 hours behind MANY human beings who deemed it necessary to ride their brakes on a highway and I still managed to walk into my apt, rip open my laptop and spend several hours giving my esteemed commentary on these fashion choices. Am I a hero? Some may say so. (That’s my polite way of saying I have essentially passed and there’s a very real chance this red carpet blog is one of my worst but I’m nothing if not a slave to the content and I would be very disappointed in myself if I missed the kickoff to awards szn so thanks for supporting me for better or for worse, love you so much, byeeeeeeeeeeeee.)

WORST.

The Pen15 duo lives in the early 2000’s for their middle school characters but that doesn’t mean we have to dress like it too, ladies. The small checkers, bedazzled bow and a tiny purse were all a swing and a miss for me.

What fresh hell is this? A grandfather clock of tassels? Not a chance I’m not tugging on each one of those if I came in contact with this hot mess of a dress.

LET ME BE CLEAR THAT NO MATTER HOW YOU STYLE THE RUFFLE IT STILL SUCKS. Oohh let’s do a serpentine ruffle down her bod. NOOOOPE.

Don’t get it twisted, sister I LOOOOOVE this color. Love love love it. But I cannot stand for so much style confusion. Skirt plus pants plus wrap blazer plus button down? Pick a lane!

Schitt’s Creek got sloppy as hell now that they’re off the air and not nominated for every damn award. They’re like we swept last year so IDGAF what we look like this year. This baggy number is slob kebab city.

Running it back to almost exactly what I said for Mindy at the Met Gala. I’ve seen her absolutely knock my socks off with fashionable and funky lewks. THIS AIN’T IT, SIS. I don’t know why she’s being so lame on red carpets lately but enough with the satin blacks and blues. And HONEY, the giant bow will ALWAYS be a no.

Hella Victorian Queen vibes with a ripped curtain, cake tier style. I half expected a powdered wig to top it all off.

What?! Was this planned or was there an unexpected fall chill in the air in LA? (When it drops below 90 that’s a chill for them.) Because there is no other excuse for this “I just borrowed my husband’s blazer to toss over my evening gown because they were blasting the AC too high” mood.

This is a poop suit.

Does Allison Janney have a mullet? I can’t cosign that hairstyle or the peplum waist and giant shawl.

MEH. I feel like this isn’t doing anything great for her. Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, certainly better than what the Olsen Twins of darkness would wear on a red carpet, but still I expected more out of Elizabeth.

I’m cool with Seth’s new college professor haircut and glasses combo but I’m not cool with the earth tones suit.

This might throw you off because normally if you’ve read any of my previous red carpets, you’ll notice that I get a fashion boner for bright colors and/or pops of color. So many celebs go for black or classic colors so whenever I see something spicy I jump on it. This is partially because I’m a color whore in my own fashion choices (and will not leave the house with a scrunchie that isn’t coordinated with my outfit) and also because when you blog every red carpet for 7 years, you start to need a little color to keep it FRE$H. Now that I’ve rambled my face off…I do not like this pop of color. I was scrolling down on this picture and was like oohh loving this bronze goddess and then I hit the shoes and almost threw up in my hands. So aggressive. So loud.

If the comically large belts that provide no purpose other than to give you a mid-belly or underboob elastic mark make a comeback I’m OUT ON FASHION FOREVER. Giant belts were the WORST. Actually, gaucho pants were the worst but at least they were comfy as hell. Strapping on a belt in the middle of your body made you look like Trunchbull coming back from a shotputting competition AND ALSO pushed your lumps to other places and basically felt like you were wearing a waist trainer in public. UGH don’t make us go back to that. *Note Kathryn is also wearing a peplum tube top so I guess she REALLY embraced the new millennium.

This is a woodland fairy costume and you cannot convince me otherwise. Dear lord, is that a jelly purse?

Honestly this might be a biased judgment but I had to sit through that CRINGEWORTHY opening rap that made no sense and I would like to eternal sunshine of the spotless mind that RIGHT out of my brain. Cedric could’ve looked like the hottest guy on the red carpet and I think I still would’ve bitterly tossed him on the worst dressed. Sorry bud, them’s the breaks. Can you imagine hosting an awards show and visibly bombing EVERY time you have the mic? Yooikkes on bikes.

This is a full-length ice dancer gown.

This has to be a bit, right?! Like someone shot Nicole an invite to the Emmys and she was like I AM GOING TO GO FULL 60’s negligee in royal purple..

Y’all know I don’t like celebs forcing their bits down our throats. We know you’ve got em. You diet and have personal trainers and all the money for plastic surgery in the world. We got it. No need to see upstairs yabbos and downstairs curtains on a red carpet.

One deep sigh away from a full frontal eyeful of boobs. There’s just way too much going on here, I don’t even know where to begin.

LeT’s JuSt GlUe cHuNks oF sHiNy fAbRiC 2GeThEr.

Oh good, if you don’t want to wear a 3 feet wide belt with a patent leather buckle, you can just go straight for the outside corset. The corset RUINED this beautiful dress.

MANDY. Girl. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Bangs are fine. Whatever. I’d never choose the bang life but if I were going to, I’d want them to look like this. But the pieces hanging down on the side? Nope. And the pieces hanging out off the side of her dress making her look like she’s got a comically large apple bottom dump truck? NOOOOOOOOPE. THIS IS SO UNFLATTERING I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ONE WOULD USE TULLE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU’RE A NESTING DOLL.

If this either of these two wore this look solo I’d be like DAMN GET AFTER IT. But because they chose to both wear zesty zoot suits, I HAVE to laugh directly in their faces. What an outrageous couples move. This is like the modern Britney and Justin denim Dan look–Zubaz style. Wow some people really took Tiger King and made it their personality. Ok I think i’m done roasting this duet. Omg I just noticed the matching manis.

KEWL BLOOD RED PARACHUTE!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS (PARDON MY FRENCH BUT ALSO NOT REALLY) BECAUSE THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYED SWEET SWEET PRINCESS DI IN THE CROWN IS WEARING A LITERAL SWIMMERS CAP, FINGERLESS GLOVES AND BLACK CLAWS. The Met Gala was last week, girl. Just because you weren’t invited doesn’t mean you can pull this shit on a normie red carpet.

BEST.

I LOOOVE this classy floral pop.

You bring your mom on the red carpet, you’re guaranteed getting laid at the after party once Mom’s gone home to bed. That’s a fact, Jack. Nothing makes chicks wetter than this classic actor mama’s boy move. Evan also won an Emmy on top of this so DOUBLE getting laid. Good work, bruh.

Hannah has a body that won’t quit and I’m obsessed with her character on Ted Lasso. I could do without this weird one shoulder joint but I felt like she brought the heat otherwise.

I wholeheartedly appreciate the full bodysuit underneath so we weren’t dealing with bedazzled areolas here but this dress is S T U N N I N G!

I like a cape because I support any awards show look where you can eat and drink your face off and not have to worry about your figure. Plus I bet it gives mad swish on the dance floor. I also would like a closer look at these heels because they look jazzy AF.

I mean it’s Kate Winslet and she looks fabulous no matter what. Would’ve liked more of a risk but this is still a beaut.

Hands down my favorite look of the evening. Everything’s coming up Ted Lasso, ladies and gents. Can you imagine your baby mama leaving you for Harry Styles and this is your rebuttal?! Jason has the #1 show, he’s about to be raking in 1 MILLION DOLLARS per episode and he looks like a total babe soda. Definite upgrade from last year’s wake and bake appearance at the Globes:

Billy is keeping it pretty tame this time around but I feel like he’s going for his own VS Angel fashion show and I feel like he earned those wings.

Obviously I’ve dumped all over belts enough for one blog…you know how i feel about them…but the rest of the look is elegant and Old Hollywood glamour for the Beanster (who looks nothing like Monica Lewinsky and I’ll die on this hill.)

PURPLE AND TURQUOISE, JEWEL TONES GET AT ME GIRL.

The best part about these shoulder bows is that they’re somewhat obstructed from view due to their placement. So we’ll let them slide. Confetti party dress, FTW!

I purposefully did not include any plain bagel who wore a straight black tux/suit. I don’t have time for that shit anymore. Sorry not sorry. I DID include Zach Braff because he put a spin on the straight black tux with this patterned jacket and I appreciated it. Lookin sharp, BB!

Amy, this is how you rock the hell out of an oversized suit jacket. This set is fine, but the way that Leslie is WERKIN it really sells the whole damn package.

Oh, my lanta! Keri Russell with shimmering leaf boobs. I’M BLUSHING!

This is a Belle moment if I’ve ever seen one. Even though Anya played the booziest chess player, she shows up at every awards show looking like she was made to wear a fancy gown. BTW, this gown is backless and Anya also gives good back.

IT’S FALL SO BLUE VELOUR IS OK AGAIN, Y’ALL.

But also so is fuchsia because we’ll never let go of summer and that’s pretty obvious. In the words of my four year old niece who put her own unique spin on Aqua’s 1997 hit, “Come on Barbie let’s go darty.”

I kinda love the fact that this is played out as heck but Sterling K will never walk a red carpet without shades. It is the red bow on the package of his awards show look and it slaps every time.

Ellen is also exuding BJE (big jumpsuit energy) and I’m vibing with it. The bedazzled hoops, the pony, the lines of jewels are all a YES.

I feel like we see Catherine in black so often that I’m embracing a foray into coral. Supes fun. (It’s past my bedtime and yes I realize that I’m now moonwalking into “lame and unoriginal caption” territory. GET OVER IT.)

YEAH VELVET LOAFERS ARE GONNA GET YOU ON THE BEST DRESSED LIST AND THAT SEEMS OBVIOUS. Hugh Hefner silk pjs up top would’ve really crushed, but whatevs.

I really only put this photo up for Leslie who is essentially wearing a Sigfried and Roy Vegas stage show costume and I’m drooling all the way for it. Clearly I need to get more shimmer and shine in my wardrobe.

JEAN SMART IS A 70 YEAR OLD SEX SYMBOL.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES IS A 51 YEAR OLD SEX SYMBOL. (Also matching shoes and lipstick it’s like she knows the way to my heart or something.)

Cynthia had mermaid vibes at the Met and now again at the Emmys and I DON’T HATE IT. This is fancy free and funky fresh (minus the 7 inch french tips) PS don’t think I didn’t notice that tiny belt. DIE AWAY FROM ME, BELTS.

Clean look and I appreciate a sassy shoe.

Fresh off some divorce news and letting us all know that she’s a good time gal who wears the shit out of neons and flowers!

I love this! Great fit, great color on her and simple jewels that accent the vintage look perfectly!

Rosie Perez as a Golden Goddess.

Jennifer Coolidge has curves for DAYzzZz.

I’m obsessed with everything about this. Pink tie, dog cane, top hat and F AWL the way off facial expression.

Lil Dicky trying to make up for the fact that he was a willing participant in the opening rap trainwreck with this sharp look. People don’t forget, LD. That was even more embarrassing than season 2 of Dave.

Another cringe partner in crime for the opening rap. Seriously, how did they come up with this motley crew of ruining Biz Markie’s legacy forever? We may never know. I do know Rita looks like a rocker bang piece though.

Uhhhh DUH I’m gonna shout the hell out of this pastel pink getup.

Great color, fun texture. I really wanna cop a feel and see how this bad boy feels IRL. (It’s not creepy, I like to touch fabrics in stores too. When they’re on the hanger tho…not on people.)

My raging girl crush on Sophia Bush has been reignited with this perfect princess lewk.

Red Carpet

Met Gala Red Carpet 2021

Well this was a little unexpected to say the least! The Met Gala traditionally takes place in May and when I saw rumblings of it yesterday I had just assumed that they announced the theme or something. We just had the VMA’s the night before (we meaning not me because I finally learned my lesson that I’ve aged out) and then suddenly on a Monday afternoon I’m seeing red carpet photos cropping up from the Met. How is it that I know Blues Clues is having it’s 25th anniversary but I didn’t know when the Met Ball was taking place? Seems as though Anna Wintour needs to refer to the advertising execs over at Nick Jr. for some pointers. I googled the theme as I tend to do even though it absolutely means NOTHING. I don’t even know why they go through the formality of announcing a theme because you get the crop of people who wear what they wear on every red carpet and then the more alternative crowd that will wear whatever bizarro thing they can get their hands on. No theme necessary. But anyway, the theme this year is “In America: A Lexicon of Fashion” which essentially boils down to only fashion made in America. Cause our country is GrrrrrrReat. If you had asked my sister what the theme was she would’ve replied Nudity because her observation of red carpets between the VMA’s and the Met was “what even is the point of wearing clothes? A piece of fabric seems wasteful at this point.” She’s not wrong. Let’s judge some nudes.

WORST

What do we have here?! It’s bell hop/waiter/magician/priest/Aladdin/Johnny F’ing Baseball. I refuse to adapt to the screaming ovaries of every female who slobbers for this little punk. There is nothing sexy about this.

Lace leggings had their moment in the 80’s and 90’s and I think we can all see very clearly why they should never make a comeback. Ain’t NOTHING flattering or forgiving about skin tight lace. Does she have a lacy camel toe?

I understand that this was a cultural nod to her mixed heritage. All I see is a cultural nod to Hey Arnold.

The Met Ball is the ONLY place you’ll see me boo’ing people off the red carpet for being BORING AS HELL. You’ve got people wearing capes and crowns and showing their labias and you decided to put on a PLAIN BLACK TUXEDO THAT DOESN’T EVEN FIT PROPERLY? Did you get this at David’s Bridal, Channing? Clean it up.

I see that he’s going for a global gay statement here and yet I can’t seem to get down with the balloon map-printed sleeves on top with combat boots on the bottom. Ew, David.

What is this Little House on the Prairie meets Biker Gang? What a ridiculous mash-up that I do not welcome with open arms.

You know that I can usually get down with loungewear at a formal event but it HAS TO BE CUTE LOUNGEWEAR. This looks like one of those stupid hip hop dance costumes they used to make me wear in middle school. Flashy but easy to move in. No matter how cool I thought I looked grooving to PG hip hop tunes onstage, I surely looked exactly like this B. Clown city.

Oh hey there guy, thanks for the nightmares! Also that side salad of a large scab on your shin. Yum.

Can we do a wellness check on this girl?

Kimmy K’s style trope of the moment is covering her whole face. Which is fine. We don’t really need to see it to know what an a*hole she is. Glad we left a hole for that pony though. God forbid your clip in hair not drag along the floor with your cloaks.

The ONLY thing I immediately thought of with this number was the symphony of rainbow bridesmaid dresses from Confessions of a Shopaholic.

This dress is beautiful and then she tacked A GIANT FLOWER ON HER SHOULDER. Whoever is advising this as a kewl accessory needs to be fired.

Everyone was like OH THE KING AND QUEEN HAVE ARRIVED. Get the hell out of here. I didn’t even know who ASAP Rocky was and Rihanna is wearing a G-D beanie on her head condom style. This look individually is trash (is that a quilt, ASAP?), collectively it’s a freight train of garbage.

For the same reason I boo’ed our pal Channing, I gotta give it to Jimmy as well. I get that you’re a straight white male at the Met Gala but literally do ANYTHING but the black tux. Even a slate grey would slap harder than this.

Anna Wintour may run the entire fashion world but here at the Salty Ju, I run shit. I’m the boss. And Anna, you can look me right in the eyes when I say this dress stinks. Collar AND sleeve ruffles AND cake tier ruffles at the bottom all in a bold floral print? WOOF.

One time my next door neighbor had a race car themed birthday party and we all literally wore cardboard cars the whole time. They looked exactly like this dress.

I still can’t get over the fact that he’s trying to believably play a high school character in his latest flick when this 70’s style right here is probably an accurate depiction of what he really wore in high school. BOOM. Roasted.

The key to the Met is to go gimmicky outrageous costume without looking like you literally stopped at a Spirit in an old deserted strip mall and picked up a “flapper/sexy maid from Clue” costume.

SHE’S GOT A SWORD!!! Where do we draw the line with weapons at a public event?

Get the hell out of my face with this, JLo. You think you can just step off of a yacht fresh from summering in Italy with Ben Affleck and dress up like a pimp with Native American undertones? Blow it out your ass. First and foremost, Brown should NEVER be a color choice for a dress. Secondly, where’s Ben? You guys break up again? Summer lovin had you a blast and now that you’re back from vacay things are hitting a little different? Just wondering. Text me.

UGH. NEVERMIND (deepest of eye rolls)..your lips aren’t even touching when you kiss with masks on so you just look like closed eye idiots.

I couldn’t figure out what was so off-putting about this look. Was it the unicorn horn of a hairstyle or the fact that the bottom of this dress looks like a 3-D caterpillar?

Bieber pulled this shit at the VMA’s too and I’m having a hard time understanding how someone so skinny can’t find a pair of pants that fit him. He is DROWNING in these trousers. And Hailey with the shades is laugh out loud funny. These two really think they are royalty. You think you’re above a theme for the biggest fashion event of the year? Get lawst.

Not only does this look terribly heavy and uncomfortable, it’s also hideous. This is a huge swing and a miss for Simone. Girl is HOT off the heels of what I would assume is her last Olympics representing our country and she should’ve charged in here with the dopest USA themed outfit in the joint. And she decided instead to wear sparkly silver turd plops around her waist. Kewl.

Thanks for stopping by in your diamond encrusted negligee, Zoe! No need to carry all that excess chainage, next time just roll through in your rhinestone thong since that’s basically the same thing anyway.

The next three photos are entitled: Bangz: A Regret That Affects Us All

So great of Meg to take some time out of defiling Airbnb kitchen tables and touching black tongues with MGK to attach these vomtastic bangs to her domepiece and make an appearance.

This dress would be fine but then BANGS.

Kristen really went the extra mile to give her bangs some pomp and circumstance.

Oh, goodie! Lorde is back to scare us at all the awards shows again.

Roseanne Roseannadanna coming in hot but she has to leave early to hit up the dojo and earn that blue belt.

My first thought: ope there’s her vagina front and center. My second thought: can you imagine eating ANYTHING on Met Ball day and then wearing this? We’d be able to see if you had even a bowl of cereal. Sick loin cloth, tho.

I don’t know all that much about fashion but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Shrek baby was not “made in America.”

What fresh hell is this? It’s like Jessica Rabbit, wedding style? I obviously hate it.

Props to Taylor for matching her pedi to the exact color of the dress because that’s 1000% something I would do if I ever had a “it takes a village” moment. But this dress ain’t it.

This is a sheer window treatment.

Mindy doesn’t look BAD but I’ve also seen her dress better for just a casual backyard photoshoot for her Instagram so I know she’s got more in her than a low pony and a navy blue gown. She wears the hell out of funky colors and patterns and this was a total lamewad safe move at a place where it’s encouraged to take risks.

Not this risk though. This one fell flat for me. Mostly because I’m getting a little jaded with the oopsie I’m naked look. Jeremy looks pretty dece though, he was just brought down by the flowers for nips arm candy.

I’ve never been a fan of the big collar or shoulder moment. Brings me back to the shoulder padded blazers of the 80’s. The taffeta flower on her thigh is also doing that.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE MOVE by Kris Jenner. She should be disinvited. You think because you invented reality TV and built an empire off of a sex tape that you can just wear a basic black ladysuit to the Met Ball? Your daughter stepped out of a towncar in a head to toe leather dominatrix ensemble over the weekend. That was just a regular Saturday for her. Either you step up your game or you sit at home getting wine drunk. Don’t embarrass Kim like that ever again…she can do it all by herself as seen above.

Take a beat to notice the CONTRAST between Kris “I’ll just wear a Hilary Clinton pantsuit” Jenner and this broad right here who is wearing a LITERAL horse head. I can only hope she’s neighing and galloping around whipping that horse tail of a braid into the NYC breeze.

Oh no, bbgurl. I get that your mom is Madonna. You’ve got big shoes to fill. But nope. This is another Spirit Halloween Gypsy costume. Return for a full refund, honay.

As much as this would’ve been my dream prom dress from Deb back in the day, she looks physically uncomfortable in this. Her left boob looks like it’s about to be torn in half. The things we do for fashion.

the PERFECT closer to the WERST dressed list. I don’t know what this chick’s name is but from here on out it’s forever Tommy Pickles because she is WEARING A DIAPER.

BEST

This is some mermaid REALness.

Apparently Amanda Gorman was going for a Statue of Liberty theme (the statue of Liberty is essentially green…but ok) all I could think of when I saw this dress was that shitty 90’s song that goes “Oh my starry eyed surprise” so Amanda I hope you’re gonna dance all night to this DJ in that majestic ‘fit.

The hair and makeup is questionable but I’ve always been a sucker for a pearl dress. Girl is dripping in decadence.

Lil Nas X is never one to shy away from a scene. This was part 3 of his outfit unveiling, part two being a suit of golden armor and part 1 a very *catholic* looking extravagant gold robe. I’m partial to this sparkly tracksuit out of all three lewks and I think he rocked it.

I’m torn here because I LOATHE the color peach and her bangs but when I saw it photographed in a different light it looked like much more of a muted blush so I’m gonna give the benefit of the doubt here because Billie in an elegant gown is much appreciated after a year plus of her gracing red carpets in neon green space buns and silky pj’s. An effort was made here and I very much appreciate it.

Ok, ok, I get it Troye. Your body is better than mine. I have a bridesmaid dress that was originally ordered for a November 2020 wedding but then Covid hit…so the last time this dress has physically been on my body was August of 2020 when I tried it on for the first time out of the box. It has hung in a deep dark corner of my closet since then, cloaked in shadows and shame because I can tell you with the utmost confidence that it no longer fits. I’ve put on a few panny pounds and it shows. Rather than facing my fears and trying it on, I’ve been eating ice cream and brownies every night after dinner. We all cope in different ways. Troye apparently copes by showing off his banging bodying in a slinky black gown, nips out for the boys. WUTEVER.

This dress and cape look stunning on her!

I mean, Barbie and Ken? Yes, please.

Hey all you creeps and weirdos, this is how you incorporate Covid’s new hottest fashion without giving us all the nightmares in the world. Crushing this routfit.

I could def do without the bleached eyebrows but I’m kinda digging the rest of this look right down to the stirrups. Love a good pair of stirrups. Never have to worry about your leggings riding up when they’re hooked to your heel!

What the hell is more American than Ralph Lauren? I put these two on the best dressed specifically for that.

This is more on the boring spectrum of playing it safe but she is rocking this dress so I respect it.

THIS IS HOW YOU DO A TASTEFUL NUDE, LADIES. TAKE NOTES.

Maybe it’s the hint at camo or maybe it’s the muted nudes but this is definitely one of my favorite looks of the nights. So soft and beautiful.

The style of the dress is kind of the equivalent of wearing a paper bag but she’s preggers so it’s probably comfortable as hell and we’ll give her a pass. The teal is to die for.

Ooh baby lime green and hot pink lips YES MA’AM! Kit looks dapper as well. At least he put a white coat on instead of going for black on black….channing.

As my friend Kat said, imagine sitting behind Iman? Seriously though you ain’t seeing for miles behind this headdress. This is EPIC. That’s how you rule a red carpet. Poor Megan Thee Stallion is looking at her like, I gotta follow this?!

Big booty big ole Megan held her own though. Loving the soft pink on her.

GIRL this red is fabulous. Not so much the posing of the claws though. Hope you don’t poke your butthole when you’re wiping. T’s and P’s. (The more that I think about it, how much you wanna bet celebrities have their assistants wipe for them so they don’t accidentally tear their anus or vaginal walls with a rogue claw? Jus sayin..these are the things I think about after a glass of wine.)

DEBBIE HARRY!!! GET. IT. GURL. I LOOOOOVE this look. This is ‘MURICA. Bitch has a flag hoop skirt and a jean jacket. If that ain’t the US of A I don’t know what is. She crushed it.

This is pretty boring but also I felt rude about putting her on the worst dressed when she still looks like a bangpiece.

Oh my lanta I want to roll around in this skirt. It looks so silky and smooth like a metallic river. Kacey looks bomb.com.

Kendall Jenner looks radiant and I can boo the rest of the Kardashian Klan all day and twice on Sunday but I’ll never come for Kendall.

If this were any other type of fabric it’d be on the worst dressed list but because it’s denim I’m all in. It is giving me very happy flashbacks to the Justin and Britney denim duo and it’s perfect for this theme.

I’m obsessed with this look. Alicia looks amazing and I couldn’t help but wonder where she drew inspiration from (wink)

IS SHE WEARING THE ISADORA DIAMOND? Just kidding. But also not really because the colored jewels and the pastel look isn’t far off from our girl Andie Anderson. Love the sparkle and the fur for added drama.

You gotta be bold as hell to be like I’m just gonna show up in pinstripes like a gangsta. The gold sequins is an added bonus.

I believe this is the only purple of the evening and boy oh boy is it bold. Love that Shawn went leather jacket, no shirt and Camila went for bright purple sequins and feathers. Go big or go home.

This is a double whammy with fitting the theme (Football IS America) and supporting her mans. What a class act.

Taraji is not playing with this look or this facial expression. She’s like try me, I dare you.

Oh alright you intergalactic princess, you.

PULLING. THEM. OFF. (this joke will hit with about 3% of my regular readers but if you’re a fan of How I Met Your Mother, it’s worth it.)

I laughed out loud at how dopey and proud Pete Davidson is to be included in a fashion event. That smile and the pose with his jacket says it all. On top of that he referred to his look as “slutty nun” and that’s also hilarious to me as you see his little chopstick tattooed legs peeking out of this skirt.

Rita is a sparkly sensation!

YOOOO Sharon Stone can still GET IT. Although I would’ve loved to see a little more of that bangin bod that you KNOW she still has, I’m still into this classic black cape with sparkly emerald earrings. Take notes, Kris Jenner.

Legitimately thought this was Khloe Kardashian at first. What a mind trip to find out it’s Hailee Steinfeld. This textured gold mini is FIERCE though.

Give it to me in that Miami Vice pastel suit with a silk number underneath.

We’ve seen a LOT of gold numbers tonight but this dress was MADE for MJ.

HEY SIMONE, THIS IS HOW YOU WEAVE BEING A FAMOUS US ATHLETE INTO THE THEME. Gawd. Show some country pride like Megan did.

Ayesha looks like she wants to cut a bitch but other than that these two coordinated well and both look like babe sodas.

This is the kind of floral garden I’m down with. Not flowers that you NEED to cover your bits, but flowers that add to the already beautiful and flattering gown.

Even though this is a HORRIFIC angle and makes DVF look like she has a cancerous lump growing out of her side (it’s her knee) I love the cheetah and olive tones AND of course the fact that she matched her mask. Masks, so hot right now.

Donatella was like IDGAF I’m going to show up like it’s my wedding in Lake Como. She’s 66 years old and she’s all I’m gonna go Like a Virgin on their asses.

As someone who buys an item of clothing for someone else as a gift and then promptly buys a matching one for herself, I’m VERY into the twinning thing. Love that they did this.

Sienna with the fur cape looks like her house smells of rich mahogany and cigars.

I’m obsessed with a canary yellow and I don’t care who knows it. This color looks bonkers good on her.

Never thought I’d be so down with the classic white button up but both looks that incorporated it are chic as hell.

Head to toe perfection. The hair accents, the earrings, everything goes together perfectly.

A princess ball gown and the pop of contrasting color with her jewels are chef’s kiss.

If you guys haven’t figured it out yet I’m really getting a hard on for summer colors here. Especially because summer isn’t over even though you Fall betches are trying to make it over. This is so fun and funky.

Looking past the bangs (WHY WITH THE BANGS, EVERYONE) to appreciate the Barbie pink awesomeness. I want this gown and matching cape.

DAYUMN OLIVIA RODRIGO, GET ALL OF IT AND THEN SOME! I previously rapped hard about lace leggings on Serena and how they’re not flattering. Apparently they can be flattering AF on a stick figure teenager in the prime of her high metabolism. Important to note. Embrace these years, BB, it’s all downhill from here.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/2021

1. Olivia is a total H-Dubb.*

* Important to note that for a short period of time in high school, whenever we heard of some teenage hussy breaking up an already probably short-lived couple, we called that hussy an H-Dubb which was shorthand for homewrecker. Natch, there were no homes being wrecked when teens went to Friday night football games together and maybe smooched a few times…but that insult really slapped and I miss the days when we could just casually romp around free period calling bitches H-Dubbs.

Anyway, as soon as this juicy piece of salacious goss hit the internet streets, I knew I had to bring the JUice back from the dead so I could talk mad shit on John Mulaney trying to convince the whole world that he didn’t cheat on his wife and that Olivia Munn isn’t H-Dubb City. Literally the SECOND he bounced outta rehab it was swirling that these two were dating and I rolled my eyes out of my cranium. You know what typically doesn’t signify ever-lasting love? When you hop from a marriage to a new relationship. THEN ADD FRESH OUT OF REHAB ON TOP OF THAT. Boy oh boy all of this is dumb. But whatevs. They were keeping it mostly under the radar. Until this week, when John made the most calculated move of all time to announce their baby on Seth Meyers by literally giving us all a dummy timeline. THAT SCREAMS I’M A GUILTY, HO. Hey everyone, it’s been a minute since I’ve seen you so let me give you a month by month blow (no pun intended) of my last year so that I can clear my name and then toss a baby on at the end. LOLOLOL OK, John. We ain’t that stupid. As you might expect, this timeline has already been thrown directly in the trash as people are coming out of the woodwork to say he didn’t file for divorce until spring when he was already dating Olivia and while he was relapsin hoard he was also banging strange. Not quite the scripted and premeditated squeaky clean image he’s trying to paint here with the help of his buddy Seth. Now onto the equally as guilty party, Olivia. In an interview in 2015 she talked about meeting John and his then-fiance at a wedding and being obsessed with him and following him around all night then emailing him afterward. 2015, folks. What a thirsty bitcc. Girl has pretty much always had a boneski for John. But yeah, they just met recently at church.

And like I said, whatevz, do your thang, booboo. Except that now you’re dragging a kid into the mix and also pretending this has been a wholesome union from the start. Just go full Angelina and Brad and own your bad selves. And on top of it AWL, John Mulaney has been vocal as hell about never wanting kids. CRINGE MY FACE OFF. All of his standup routines about never wanting kids are creeping out of the woodwork and oh baby is this a disaster. Probably should’ve just pulled a Kylie Jenner (part 1) and popped that baby out in secret rather than make a big announcement hoopla about it so everyone is inserting themselves into your messy sitch. BTW, Kylie Jenner (part 2) and Jennifer Lawrence also announced pregnancies this week but their announcements weren’t clouded with a scandal so they slipped right under the radar. I mean, Kylie got knocked up by her ex-boyfriend but that’s the norm in the Kardashian/Jenner world…let your man do whoever just make sure all your kids have the same daddy. And Jennifer Lawrence got married first and pregnant a couple of years later…YAWN. But CONGRATS TO ALL! A baby is a gift from God unless it’s brought into this world on a throne of lies, of course. JUS SAYIN.

2. Steve Made Millennials Cry.

So about that time Steve went off to college… #BluesClues25 pic.twitter.com/O8NOM2eRjy
— Nick Jr. (@nickjr) September 7, 2021

From 1995 until 2002, our green-striped homie Steve and his dog Blue were solving all of the clues with their handy dandy notebook and their big ole thinking chair over on Nick Jr. Back when Nick Jr. had “face” and was the BEST reward for staying home from school sick on the couch. You know, the good ole days. And then we all grew up and started watching a little less of blue cartoon dogs and overanimated adults and a little more true crime. And I don’t really think one single person gave it a second thought. That was until Steve rolled back through with this viral video for the 25th anniversary of Blues Clues. And all of the millennials lost their SHIT. Steve said I look good! Steve said I helped him! STEVE LOVES ME. Hats off to Nick Jr. for crushing the marketing game for their anniv because not only did this shit blow up but it also created a buttload of memes for everyone to use. And the best part? I didn’t even know Steve “went to college.” I didn’t even know he left the show at all until my little whippersnapper niece started getting into the Nick Jr. game and I was like who the hell is this jabroni hanging out with Blue? BECAUSE WHEN YOU GROW UP YOU STOP WATCHING KIDS SHOWS. Weird, right?! So Steve went to college. And then came back to tell us all about it. And I think what’s even more shocking is that there was a WHOLE OTHER PERSON in between Steve and Josh. Steve had a brother named Joe, WHO KNEW?! Seriously I learned so much from this 25 year campaign, I feel like they’re sneaky trying to make these three into the next comedy trio.

Not saying that we need a spinoff with all three hosts of Blue’s Clues, but also not NOT saying that… #BluesClues25 pic.twitter.com/YjcdfwxvQM
— Nick Jr. (@nickjr) September 2, 2021

What I didn’t need refreshing on, is the Mail song. That shit has slapped the hardest since day 1 and if I’m 30 years old still singing the mail song to my niece word for word you KNOW that was a bop. Mailtime, Mailtime, MAAIILLLTIIIIIME. Here’s the mail it never fails it makes me wanna wag my tail when it comes I wanna wail MAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLL. Nailed it. (Seaweed arms not included)

3. Shiver.

Ed’s back, baby! Between John Mayer dropping an album this summer, Ed’s is coming in October and then we get the Taylor Swift 10 minute All Too Well in November…I’m in a musical sweet spot right now. The only thing that would put me right over the edge is a JT album on top of it all. Come out, come out wherever you are! I know all you famous musicians weren’t touring for the past two years, so GIVE US THE GOODS. Anyway sorry that my “Ed has more new music” excitement turned into threatening Justin Timberlake. It happens to the best of us. Remember a couple of months ago when Ed dropped Bad Habits with that terrifying vampire video? And I was like WHAT HAPPENED TO ED? Yeh, I still kinda feel that way with this song. I mean these are fun little ditties he’s giving us, but this is a little bit of a shock. He’s going for a real jarring visual vibe here and Ed is just a casj guy stomping all over that loop pedal. Did I enjoy seeing his attempts at dancing in this video? Yes, obviously. But would I prefer to have something with a little more substance? 1 Trillion Percent. Hoping that when the full album drops we’ll get a taste of some deeper cuts.

4. Nashville’s a Small Town.

Obviously you already know that celeb drama makes me salivate because otherwise why the hell would I maintain a blog for almost 7 years now based on the dramz. What you don’t know is that the thirst for goss runs in the family. After doing a deep dive on Facebook to find out the personal details of a high school teacher’s life I texted my sister for tips on how to find out some intel because I’d scrolled almost 8 years back and wasn’t seeing anything. She told me what my next move should be and lo and behold, I found what I was looking for. As I looked back in horror at an afternoon filled with trying to find out intimate deets on a stranger’s life through social media, I asked my sister, “Why are we the nosiest people on this earth?” And she promptly replied, “It’s in our blood.” So it’s fine, everyone. It’s like a disease. You wouldn’t look down on someone with Lupus so why are you JUDGING US BECAUSE WE NEED TO KNOW EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE?! Since my twinny twin is just as much of a shitstirrer as I am, it’s important that you know that she broke the news on this Nashville Love Triangle. I’ll let her break it down for you in shorthand:

First important note to make, we’re on a first name basis with this crew. Jana and Kristin are D-list celebrities and Jay is a retired athlete and yet we’re referring to them as if they’re the cream of the crop for fame. Second of all, we knew right from the jump that this was not an amicable divorce and no matter how hard Jay and Kristin try to make it seem like they’re a united front and there’s no issues between the two of them, it KILLS Kristin to see Jay dabble with ANYONE and his specialty seems to be women who run in the same circles as his ex-wife. Coincidence? I think not. Meanwhile, Kristin can smooch whoever she wants. Cliff, Bony Bob, Little Mo with the gimpy leg. No backlash at Kristin. Only Jay. GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT. I’m Team Jay through and through. There’s only one guy who can nail that dry sarcastic delivery and captivate me for days with an Instagram-story hunt of a chicken killer on the loose and that’s Jay Cutler. HOW-EV-ER. I cannot support a union with Jana Kramer. Jana is a slob kebab when it comes to barfing up things that should 1000% be kept private. From doing a podcast with her sex addicted cheating husband and airing their dirty laundry right up until their divorce to giving us a blow by blow of her boob job (which she got to keep her husband…………ahem…..it didn’t work.) Don’t get me wrong, it’s like watching a trainwreck. I just yapped about how my sister and I are nosy nellies. Of course we eat that shit up. But Jay doesn’t need more drama in his life. He needs to stop chasing the dancing on the bar in Cabo girls and find himself a nice out of the spotlight southern belle. No more reality stars, no more teen soap stars. Maybe a nice huntin’ gal who looks good in camo.

Just kidding, I don’t want to be IN this drama, I just want to observe from afar. Anyway, according to the papz, Jana is claiming her and Kristin aren’t even friends. Kristin has blocked her on social and has been slobbering all over country singer Chase Rice’s nob v. publicly at some of the most popular tourist bars in Nashville. (BE MORE OBVIOUS) And Jay is like yeah…we went on one date… BUT THEN, gr8 timing, as I was typing this the saga continued to unfold as I received this alert from my sister:

Shocking to no one, my brother in law is not entertained by our rabid need to pretend we are a part of these peoples’ lives. After the tip from my assistant reporter, I immediately scurried over to Instagram where I found both Jay and Jana had shared stories from Nate Bargatze’s show. Nate was just one of the first guests on Jay’s new podcast so no doubt he comped him some tix and where else have you heard about Nate? OH RIGHT, MY BLOG. If you’ll recall I slobbered all over Nate in my Netflix roundup from February. I’m not saying that I’m a tastemaker but I’m not NOT saying it either. Anyway, SOMEONE is reaping the bennies of Jana’s new rack and it ain’t Nate. Your move, Kristin.

5. #FreeButtney.

I realize that every time I release a JUice there’s a Free Britney update but I promise I don’t time these out, it just so happens that every few months there’s movement in her case and since I’ve been an avid supporter of the #FreeBritney movement, it feels wrong to not see this through even though it appears as though she’s gone of the rails a little bit. Regardless of her posting her butthole & more boob shots on Instagram…

…her psychopath dad has FINALLY made moves to release her from conservatorship prison. In Jamie’s petition he said, if Britney “believes that she can handle her own life, he believes that she should get that chance.” And also that she should take a beat from posting a$$ vids to Insta. Just kidding. That wasn’t in the petition. But should it have been?

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A post shared by XILA MARIA RIVER RED (@britneyspears)

Probz. Hey Brit, no one was questioning the legitimacy of your tramp stamp dumptruck shot. Video was not necessary. Either way, the next hearing is scheduled for September 29th so stay tuned for the Free BUTTney saga to continue. Anyone placing bets on how quickly she’ll end up on OnlyFans when she’s freed from the dad shackles? Just wondering.

Salty Stories

Moving Still Sucks Balls

On day 2 of what was supposed to be a one day move, I was wide awake at 3 in the morning on a mattress covered in plastic, with a blanket and a couch pillow, sweating my life away and I opened the Notes app in my phone and typed “Moving Still Sucks Balls,” a blog title to return to at a later date when my life was not in shambles and this move from hell was over.

Well, squad, THAT DAY HAS ARRIVED! (I recounted the entire tale to my therapist last night and she told me that I’ve spun this into a very entertaining story and she felt like she was there with me. BINGO BANGO that’s all I need to blog this out.) BUCKLE YO SEATBELTS. The bitter and salty feelings are still brewing at the surface a week later but I can spoil the ending before I start from the top: I did indeed finally make it to New Jersey. For those of you who have been living under a rock, my 30th birthday gift this year came in the form of a full-time job offer in the dirrty Jerze. The job allowed me to stay remote for most of the summer and I set my sights on an August move, finding an apartment (in the midst of a mass NYC exodus to the Jersey Shore, #blessed) in late June. It was immediately after I signed my lease that I started looking into moving companies. As you may also know all too well, I’ve moved about 9 zillion times. As someone who has moved more times than most of you will in a lifetime, I can without a doubt inform you that it blows. It’s stressful and a ton of work and there’s only so many times you can guilt friends and family into being your free labor—especially when you’ve exceeded the appropriate amount of moves, of which I most certainly have. So this time around I decided to hire movers to make the transition smoother and also not have to listen to my dad bitch about loading my bike into a rented U-Haul for the fifth time in two years. You know how people say money can’t buy you happiness? If I had unlimited amounts of money and could’ve paid someone else to move my shit each of those dreadful times so dear old dad and I didn’t scream at each other over inanimate objects or a rented truck mishap, I’d be happy AF. But alas, my funds are limited and therefore I spent several weeks seeking out quotes to find the right moving company with the right price. (*important note: Despite having movers this time around I did still scream at my dad. But in my defense, he told me to relax. How a man who raised three girls still doesn’t understand that under no circumstances do you ever tell a female who is not at all relaxed to “just relax” is beyond me. Praying that screeching at the top of my lungs DO NOT EVER TELL ME TO RELAX finally hammered this lesson home for him.)

After getting ghosted by essentially every local company I reached out to, it was time to look at national companies and I was not pleased about this. Relying on someone in a different part of the country to handle my move? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. I stumbled upon a few names that essentially operated like sales call centers. Hard selling and pressure to make decisions on the spot when it comes to thousands of dollars are NOT my specialty. We’ll soon learn none of the skills I needed for this move were my specialty. Apparently snarky one liners and pop culture references will get you no where in moving land. My second call of national companies was to BLANK company. In the interest of my lawyer I should keep their name undisclosed at this time. We’ll just call them Dark Circle Moving. Dark Circle took a full list of my inventory—we’re talking a one bedroom apt here, folks, my biggest pieces were my couch, bed & dressers. The rest we could’ve wrangled into a few RAVs and a pickup if we needed to (as we’ve done before.) The quote they gave me was higher than I was looking to spend so I said thank you and intended to keep calling until I had collected enough quotes to make an informed decision. Dark Circle didn’t love that idea. They were not about to let me hang up without making a sale. They brought in the “manager” to close the deal and by close the deal I mean tell me a bunch of lies about how this company is not a broker and they’ll do the move themselves while also telling me an uncomfy amount of times that with his “special touch” he could bring the estimate down to what I was looking for. I don’t want to know what he was touching but my dad was standing right there listening and told me to just close the deal and be done with it. (He’ll deny this, but it’s the truth.) So I said fine and right then I was told to pay a deposit and sign a contract on the phone, allowing them to get me to sign whatever garbage they were peddling without reading it. IT WORKED! I signed a contract that said, “We can literally do whatever we want so ya done fucked yourself, boo”…in so many words, of course. I didn’t have a yummy feeling in my tummy about this.

A week out from my move, I still had an estimated price and an estimated move date between August 9th-August 10th. The Friday before I got a call from a quality assurances manager to update my inventory (read: increase my estimate per crumb that I added to my inventory) and tell me I’d need certified funds. Certified to who? Your guess was as good as mine. When I asked what day I’m actually moving he replied, “Oh I don’t know, I don’t handle that.” If I were to hear from someone that weekend, I’d probably be moving Monday, if I didn’t hear anything, I’d probably be moving Tuesday. Obviously the schedule was super reliable. So I just had to be ready to move my life to a different state for two straight days. I called customer service from the bank parking lot to see who I should make the certified check out to and she told me a completely different name…let’s just call them Eagle Movers. SO EITHER YOU GUYS ARE RUNNING AN ILLEGAL BUSINESS FRONT WITH A DIFFERENT NAME OR Y’ALL ARE CONTRACTING OUT MY MOVE TO A DIFFERENT COMPANY WHICH YOU SAID YOU WOULD NOT DO. Either way, NO. When I inquired what would happen if the moving company showed up and changed the estimate that I owed and got certified checks for, she replied “I’m not sure, maybe have them wait while you go back to the bank and change the amount.” Ironclad plan, dum dum. I got cash out instead. It honestly felt like a bank heist to have this much cash in my possession at one time. Clearly I’ve never dealt drugs.

On Monday I called for an update as to what time I could expect a truck to roll through. Customer service told me they couldn’t get in contact with the driver and they still weren’t 100% sure what day he was coming. AGAIN, not knowing if you’re staying another night or WHEN YOU ARE MOVING four hours away is PROBLEMATIC at best. I expressed my frustrations but as many of you know, I poop myself at any sort of confrontation. I get nervous and shaky voice and think of everything I should’ve said immediately afterward. Also this customer service bid couldn’t have cared less. In fact, SHE sassed ME. She told me she hasn’t called me back (I called 3 times on Monday throughout the day) because she didn’t have an update. OH GREAT. LET ME JUST SIT WITH MY LIFE IN BOXES AND MY THUMB UP MY ASS AND YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN YOUR TRUCK DRIVER IS GOOD AND READY TO MOVE ME. I said, “So a truck can just show up with no notice?” And she said, “Yeah.” Cool, cool, cool, cool. At 6PM she called me to tell me the driver would be there between 8 and 12 the next day.

GuEsS wHo DiDn’T ShOoooooOOOwwwWww?! I called at 12 on the dot and said where’s my truck? At this point customer service dumzilla already knew it was me, we needn’t waste time with formalities. She told me she couldn’t get a hold of anyone. Rinse & Repeat. Day two of this garbage. At this point I was now sniffing into other local moving companies begging them to take mercy on me and move me at short notice so I could tell Dark Circle to kick rocks. As you might have assumed, all the local moving companies laughed directly in my facehole. I had to wave my white flag. I wanted to be a grown ass bitch who handles her problems but my phone call confrontation stage fright was getting the best of me and it was time to call in reinforcements. I had my parents (waiting for me and the movers in New Jersey) pull a Mean Girls 3-way bullying call to rip customer service a new b*hole while I silently cheered them on from NY. The word scam was used gratuitously. They said they’d let us know within the hour where the driver was. They called back and said the truck got held up and would be there in 2 hours. I’m not a psychic, but I had a pretty universal calling that they were 100% blowing smoke up my ass. That was confirmed when I got a call and a text that read “hi call me back I am driver.” I call this jabroni back and he tells me he’s never even heard of my move and they just called him for the first time five minutes ago. He’s sitting on his couch, in New Jersey. He tells me he can maybe get there by 10PM. UHHHH? That’s past my bedtime, strange man. I hand off his number to my dad to deal with this hot mess. At this point I don’t think it could get any worse. Sure, zip on over here and move me out at midnight. While you’re at it, just take a load off on my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch and we’ll all set off in the morning together. WHAT.

The plan made by “driver” and my dad was for him to come at 8am the following morning and get this shit over with in one trip. I had now turned in my internet and started to head down to New Jersey with a car bursting with shit, including a mattress for me to sleep on in my new apt that night. I had already given up on this circus and was ready to at least empty my car. On the first 20 mins of my drive I received two other calls from different drivers both saying they were on their way to my apt tonight and could move me out after 8 o’clock. Sure, bruhs. Why don’t you all show up and move me out. The more the merrier. Another 3-way call took place in the Spectrum parking lot this time with a different customer service rep who conducted the first 10 minutes of the call thinking I was Angela. TIP TOP SERVICE. I told this gentleman that he was running an absolute shitshow. He didn’t particularly appreciate that. He got us nowhere and then hung up on us. We confirmed the 8AM time with “driver” and cut Dark Circle out of the communication since they proved to be useless idiot middlemen who can’t even get in contact with whatever shitty third rate moving company they contracted to. I turned around to head back to my packed up apartment and unload all of my cold foods packed into coolers back into the fridge. I gobbled two plain cheeseburgers and a medium fry, went to a friend’s house to shower for the first time in 24 hours and steal some wifi for a hot second (having TV’s packed and no wifi is basically the equivalent of living in Alcatraz), then came back to crash for the night. Started out on the couch, woke up covered in sweat at 1:30 AM with my feet hanging off POSITIVE that it was morning. It was not. So I pushed my plastic-wrapped mattress back onto the frame and stuck my boiling hot skin to it for a cozy night of slumber. Let it be known that when it rains, it POURS for ya girl. This exact week happened to be the perfect storm of the return of hotter than Satan’s butthole humidity (after crisp fall temps the week before) AND the shedding of my uterine walls. THREE CHEERS FOR RADIATING HEAT FROM MY BODY AND MY UNDERCARRIAGE. You know what’s fun about disposing of your period accouterments into a McDonald’s bag because you already took out the trash because you already thought you were moving? NOTHING.

“Driver” shows up at 9am. Within 30 seconds of him entering my apt he tells me that there’s no chance I was quoted the right amount with “all that I have.” WHO CALLED IT?! I DID, I DID, I DID! I would relish in being right but I cannot relish in anything that empties my savings account. Because of COURSE the moving company that shows up two days late is demanding more money from me to actually do the job. AS IT TURNS OUT, in the big ole scammy scam of movers, Dark Circle had me list my inventory in full and then said yeh we don’t care and quoted me for a truck space that wouldn’t even fit my couch. They knew I would never pay the estimate amount and I’m gonna go ahead and guess they didn’t care because they got my deposit and handed me off to scammers #2 Eagle Movers who would pocket whatever price they named from me on that day. My apartment in New Jersey has a flight of stairs (which Dark Circle was fully aware of) and yet I was charged an additional $150. For STAIRS. Bend me RIGHT over. I had to go to the bank and get out an additional $1300 and then I panicked because math is NOT a strong suit for me that I wouldn’t have enough still and stopped at a second ATM to get another $200 out. The fact that Bank of America didn’t send me a text that said, “u ok?” is still baffling to me.

When I finally returned with my disgusting amount of cash for a service that was 0% worth it, I was then forced to count out half in front of a driver who was staring at me. At this point I was full-on sobbing, which really didn’t do great things for my image as just thirty minutes earlier this same driver told me he’d rather deal with my dad “man to man.” You know, because women are trash. This particular woman (ME) is not a money person. When I was a Wegmans cashier and people asked for cash back, I almost ALWAYS added the amount wrong to the total and then had to count it three times before giving it to them. Handling cash makes me frazzled as hell. I don’t think I’ve ever once counted out exact change because the pressure of someone staring at me while I add in my dumb brain is enough to make me never use currency again. CC 4 LYFE. And now that my Discover taps? Woo baby, I will never pay any other way. TAP TAP, HONAY. Anyway, back to me snotting all over $1600 to a misogynistic a*hole. It was not a good scene. He had 0% sympathy as he grubbed all my money away from me. And to add icing on top of this very shit-filled cake, the minute I stepped out of my car into my new apartment that I’ve never seen before after a 3.5 hour drive and a bursting bladder full of iced coffee, this driver says to me “I need my balance.” OH ABSOLUTELY, GOOD SIR. God forbid I use the bathroom and look at my new home that I just shelled out $7K in a day to move into when I should be coating your palm with piles of cold hard cash instead. How could I forget?! It must be because I’m a girl with a tiny brain. Hey, while we’re at it, did you want me to also write out a quick check to send your kids to college as well? Everything’s on me today, no worries at all. You take whatever you need.

Welcome to New Jersey, indeed. Hope this crash landing arrival isn’t a foreshadowing into my new life as The Jersey Ju. Stay tuned as I surely use more hard lessons learned as entertainment for my blog!

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/26/2021

Sit Down, Bennifer.

JLo turned 52 over the weekend and decided to gift the world with the very first public PDA declaration of Bennifer 2.0. And obviously I didn’t handle well. If you need a quick refresher on how I feel about this “relationship”, please rewind back to this rant. To be perfectly honest, a yacht smooch does not a legit relationship make. I’m still firmly in the camp that this is a whirlwind publicity stunt, but now that she’s gone IG official it appears as though we can no longer avoid this leap downward in the rebound dept for your girl. I mean LOOK AT THIS BODY. SHE IS FIFTY TWO. I just recently went on a quest to find a pair of relaxed fit jeans that don’t slice my gut in half and beelined it straight to the table labeled “mom jeans.” I’m thirty. JLO IS FIFTY TWO.

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A post shared by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo)

I’m ashamed to admit how much I watched that video in awe and adoration. She is a specimen. And she’s going back for sloppy Ben Affleck? COME ON. Do I appreciate the unlimited amount of internet jokes (highlighted below) that are coming from this reunion? Absolutely. But as her close personal friend, I believe that JLo can do a million trillion times better. If she had the common decency to text me the pic before posting it, I would’ve obviously been like bestie…don’t do it. Walk it back. Girls always like a little feedback before posting a bold pic and I just wish Jen came to me with this. Now that it’s out there, there’s no going back. Live it up on a yacht, have birthday sex, what have you, but when y’all go back to real life and you can’t party it up and you keep having to stare at that GIANT colored scorpion tat that covers Ben’s back as you spoon him (JLo is OBV big spoon) and you cannot possibly drink another damn Dunks icey…this rebound is going to crash and burn in epic fashion. And who’s gonna be there to put the pieces back together? Me, obviously. Shoot me a text and I’m there in a minute. I’ll awkwardly pet your ass on a yacht any day of the week and twice on Sunday gurl…while also shouting TOLD YA SO.

pic.twitter.com/nqaVXn32tw
— Keaton Patti (@KeatonPatti) July 24, 2021

20 years apart. These two are an inspiration to toxic couples everywhere. pic.twitter.com/5KONg46CoT
— KFC (@KFCBarstool) July 25, 2021

He’s given us so much ❤️ pic.twitter.com/JleEYgeDOp
— Madeleine Aggeler (@mmaggeler) July 25, 2021

https://t.co/gm57HOORPq pic.twitter.com/ZJrfnseprC
— Danny Pellegrino (@DannyPellegrino) July 27, 2021

how come when JLO gets back w/ her ex it’s cute but when i do it i’m stupid ??
— mel 🇲🇽 (@bedooyy) July 28, 2021

2. Dirty Birdies.

In news no one ever asked for, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis aren’t super into the whole bathing thing. Good ole Dax has the two on his podcast and they make a comment about how they only give their kids a bath if they can see dirt on them and it spiraled real quick to Ashton revealing that he only washes his pits & bits and occasionally his face if he’s hit the gym. DIIIIIIIIRTBAG alert! Coming from someone who openly picks her nose, that’s saying a lot. At least I clean myself on the reg. These two can be casj all they want about how they grew up without a lot of water or soap takes away natural oils or WuTeVa. They’re a coupla dirty hippies who probably reek of BO and that’s the bottom line. I typically give myself ONE day a week (may have exaggerated to a few days a week during Covid) where I do not shower. It’s usually Sunday and that’s why it was dubbed No-Shower-Sunday many moons ago, patent pending. I sit around and do almost nothing all day, sometimes if we’re getting really crazy, I’ll toss on a pair of fresh unds and hit the grocery store. At at the end of No-Shower-Sunday, without fail, I feel like Pigpen. I wonder if there’s squiggly lines on my face and clouds of dirt surrounding my body mid-air because that’s how disgusting I feel. That’s after 24 hours without a shower. CAN YOU IMAGINE just never washing your body? Like slapping a little soap into your crevaces and calling it a day? I wonder if their kids first words were “Whore’s Bath.” Clean it up, you two.

3. N*SYNC 4Eva.

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A post shared by Justin Timberlake (@justintimberlake)

Celebrity stands the test of time. Also this hit hard. This album is 20 years old, which means my one and only N*SYNC concert was roughly 20 years ago and AM I 100?! I love that JT released a deep cut BTS moment from the Gone music video. Pretty much sums up his leading lady existence with the band. They’re all hanging around on a music video set and he’s like hey guys pay attention to me and my beat boxing. I ate that shit right up though. What I didn’t love is everyone pretending Lance and JT were feuding because of this Tiktok:

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A post shared by Lance Bass (@lancebass)

JT commented on it and was like lolz you’ll understand when you have kids and Lance responded “touché” WOWOWOWOWOWOOOW FEUD OF THE CENTURY. Everyone shut up. The remaining members of N*SYNC are out here hustling for a paycheck doing Pop 2K tours at local bars and collabing with BSB on TikTok. They’re on a grind. They don’t have that JT money, honayyyyyy. LET THEM LIVE. Everyone is just getting their bread and if they occasionally need to call out JT for clout then so be it. Now enjoy that new hotness on the streets, BackSync.

@ajmcleanofficial
Back sync rehearsals last night. Little bts for y’all. Great night tonight. #pridemonth🏳️‍🌈 #trevorproject let’s go!!
♬ original sound – Alexander James

@lancebass
I know it’s #BoybandWars and all, but It’s only fair I share the BTS of a #BSB song also. And now I’m craving @burgerking! #BackSync #SyncStreet
♬ original sound – Lance Bass

4. Free Britney’s Nipples.

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A post shared by XILA MARIA RIVER RED (@britneyspears)

It appears as though #FreeBritney has gotten way out of hand. It started with a woman standing up for herself and ousting her grimy father from running her life and then Brit started to get REAL mouthy on Instagram calling family members out. And now here we are. Nip City: Population, Brit. The first photo (above) was posted and everyone was like YASS QUEEN FREE THE NIP GO OFF SIS TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FREEDOM AND LET DEM TITTIES HANG. And then four days later we got this:

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A post shared by XILA MARIA RIVER RED (@britneyspears)

And people were more like lol yes girl totes 😬 embrace it…and another two days go by and now we’re getting the nipz in vid form:

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A post shared by Britney Spears (@britneyspears)

And the people have TURNED. Comments are suddenly like “I don’t think this is her posting it.” And honestly that’s the real conundrum here. Knowing that Britney Spears isn’t even allowed to drive or go see her gyno without her dad’s supervision, it is VERY unclear who runs her social media. Can we confidently say this is 100% authentic Britney flashing them milk bags on IG every few days? No we cannot. But if WE COULD, this is not helping her case. Which is also why it would be strategic as hell for whoever runs her account to make her look like she’s going off the rails again and shouldn’t be released from creep daddy Jamie’s clutches. LOTS TO THINK ABOUT HERE. But also please for the love of God flopping your sloppy yabbos around, half covered with your massively chipped nails, featuring rolled over COJ’s like it’s 2002 AIN’T 👏 IT 👏 SIS!

5. Lady Gaga with an Italian Accent.

This movie has been hyped HOARD. The first photo that Lady Gaga put out of her and Adam Driver looking like 80’s Aspen royalty had everyone salivating over this movie. And after watching that trailer of essentially 10 words total and a whole lot of music and text, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say there’s probably absolutely no substance to this movie. It’s apparently about the murder of Maurizio Gucci–taken out by a hitman hired by his ex-wife. Love a murder movie. Love an Italian mob movie. But judging by the flashiness of this trailer and the way they’ve been teasing the costume looks, I feel like they’re trying to distract us from a shitty flick. I’ll still watch it, obviously…but I’m not about to get fired up over someone cutting together a bunch of scenes and Lady Gaga tossing an Italian accent into the mix. As someone who grew up on The Lizzie McGuire Movie and had unrealistic expectations that I would be swept away by an Italian popstar on my semester abroad, I’m no stranger to the white singer/actress doing an Italian accent. Hilary Duff’s was out of this world bad and even she owns up to it.

“O0oo are yooou going to believe? Dis boy yoooou know your whole life?” Gets me every time. Anyway, I’m not saying Lady Gaga was this bad, but I’m also not not saying that either. It’s difficult to nail an Italian accent without sounding like Nintendo’s Mario and/or Luigi and I applaud them all for going hard in the paint but it still was a little cringey to watch. Cue every movie critic ever coming at me for my hot takes on this movie full of A List actors. But whatevs, I calls it like I sees it. Plus I took Italian for 4 years. Guess what I sounded like? A dumb American trying to have an Italian accent and mispronouncing 90% of their language. Props on the physical transformation for Jared Leto though. Definitely would not have guessed that was him had they not smashed it in our faces a bunch of times. Ciao.Ciaociaociaoooooo.

The Salty Ju

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