Well this was a little unexpected to say the least! The Met Gala traditionally takes place in May and when I saw rumblings of it yesterday I had just assumed that they announced the theme or something. We just had the VMA’s the night before (we meaning not me because I finally learned my lesson that I’ve aged out) and then suddenly on a Monday afternoon I’m seeing red carpet photos cropping up from the Met. How is it that I know Blues Clues is having it’s 25th anniversary but I didn’t know when the Met Ball was taking place? Seems as though Anna Wintour needs to refer to the advertising execs over at Nick Jr. for some pointers. I googled the theme as I tend to do even though it absolutely means NOTHING. I don’t even know why they go through the formality of announcing a theme because you get the crop of people who wear what they wear on every red carpet and then the more alternative crowd that will wear whatever bizarro thing they can get their hands on. No theme necessary. But anyway, the theme this year is “In America: A Lexicon of Fashion” which essentially boils down to only fashion made in America. Cause our country is GrrrrrrReat. If you had asked my sister what the theme was she would’ve replied Nudity because her observation of red carpets between the VMA’s and the Met was “what even is the point of wearing clothes? A piece of fabric seems wasteful at this point.” She’s not wrong. Let’s judge some nudes.

WORST

What do we have here?! It’s bell hop/waiter/magician/priest/Aladdin/Johnny F’ing Baseball. I refuse to adapt to the screaming ovaries of every female who slobbers for this little punk. There is nothing sexy about this.

Lace leggings had their moment in the 80’s and 90’s and I think we can all see very clearly why they should never make a comeback. Ain’t NOTHING flattering or forgiving about skin tight lace. Does she have a lacy camel toe?

I understand that this was a cultural nod to her mixed heritage. All I see is a cultural nod to Hey Arnold.

The Met Ball is the ONLY place you’ll see me boo’ing people off the red carpet for being BORING AS HELL. You’ve got people wearing capes and crowns and showing their labias and you decided to put on a PLAIN BLACK TUXEDO THAT DOESN’T EVEN FIT PROPERLY? Did you get this at David’s Bridal, Channing? Clean it up.

I see that he’s going for a global gay statement here and yet I can’t seem to get down with the balloon map-printed sleeves on top with combat boots on the bottom. Ew, David.

What is this Little House on the Prairie meets Biker Gang? What a ridiculous mash-up that I do not welcome with open arms.

You know that I can usually get down with loungewear at a formal event but it HAS TO BE CUTE LOUNGEWEAR. This looks like one of those stupid hip hop dance costumes they used to make me wear in middle school. Flashy but easy to move in. No matter how cool I thought I looked grooving to PG hip hop tunes onstage, I surely looked exactly like this B. Clown city.

Oh hey there guy, thanks for the nightmares! Also that side salad of a large scab on your shin. Yum.

Can we do a wellness check on this girl? 

Kimmy K’s style trope of the moment is covering her whole face. Which is fine. We don’t really need to see it to know what an a*hole she is. Glad we left a hole for that pony though. God forbid your clip in hair not drag along the floor with your cloaks.

The ONLY thing I immediately thought of with this number was the symphony of rainbow bridesmaid dresses from Confessions of a Shopaholic. 

This dress is beautiful and then she tacked A GIANT FLOWER ON HER SHOULDER. Whoever is advising this as a kewl accessory needs to be fired.

Everyone was like OH THE KING AND QUEEN HAVE ARRIVED. Get the hell out of here. I didn’t even know who ASAP Rocky was and Rihanna is wearing a G-D beanie on her head condom style. This look individually is trash (is that a quilt, ASAP?), collectively it’s a freight train of garbage.

For the same reason I boo’ed our pal Channing, I gotta give it to Jimmy as well. I get that you’re a straight white male at the Met Gala but literally do ANYTHING but the black tux. Even a slate grey would slap harder than this.

Anna Wintour may run the entire fashion world but here at the Salty Ju, I run shit. I’m the boss. And Anna, you can look me right in the eyes when I say this dress stinks. Collar AND sleeve ruffles AND cake tier ruffles at the bottom all in a bold floral print? WOOF.

One time my next door neighbor had a race car themed birthday party and we all literally wore cardboard cars the whole time. They looked exactly like this dress. 

I still can’t get over the fact that he’s trying to believably play a high school character in his latest flick when this 70’s style right here is probably an accurate depiction of what he really wore in high school. BOOM. Roasted.

The key to the Met is to go gimmicky outrageous costume without looking like you literally stopped at a Spirit in an old deserted strip mall and picked up a “flapper/sexy maid from Clue” costume.

SHE’S GOT A SWORD!!! Where do we draw the line with weapons at a public event?

Get the hell out of my face with this, JLo. You think you can just step off of a yacht fresh from summering in Italy with Ben Affleck and dress up like a pimp with Native American undertones? Blow it out your ass. First and foremost, Brown should NEVER be a color choice for a dress. Secondly, where’s Ben? You guys break up again? Summer lovin had you a blast and now that you’re back from vacay things are hitting a little different? Just wondering. Text me.

UGH. NEVERMIND (deepest of eye rolls)..your lips aren’t even touching when you kiss with masks on so you just look like closed eye idiots.

I couldn’t figure out what was so off-putting about this look. Was it the unicorn horn of a hairstyle or the fact that the bottom of this dress looks like a 3-D caterpillar? 

Bieber pulled this shit at the VMA’s too and I’m having a hard time understanding how someone so skinny can’t find a pair of pants that fit him. He is DROWNING in these trousers. And Hailey with the shades is laugh out loud funny. These two really think they are royalty. You think you’re above a theme for the biggest fashion event of the year? Get lawst. 

Not only does this look terribly heavy and uncomfortable, it’s also hideous. This is a huge swing and a miss for Simone. Girl is HOT off the heels of what I would assume is her last Olympics representing our country and she should’ve charged in here with the dopest USA themed outfit in the joint. And she decided instead to wear sparkly silver turd plops around her waist. Kewl. 

Thanks for stopping by in your diamond encrusted negligee, Zoe! No need to carry all that excess chainage, next time just roll through in your rhinestone thong since that’s basically the same thing anyway.

The next three photos are entitled: Bangz: A Regret That Affects Us All

So great of Meg to take some time out of defiling Airbnb kitchen tables and touching black tongues with MGK to attach these vomtastic bangs to her domepiece and make an appearance.

This dress would be fine but then BANGS.

Kristen really went the extra mile to give her bangs some pomp and circumstance.

Oh, goodie! Lorde is back to scare us at all the awards shows again.

Roseanne Roseannadanna coming in hot but she has to leave early to hit up the dojo and earn that blue belt.

My first thought: ope there’s her vagina front and center. My second thought: can you imagine eating ANYTHING on Met Ball day and then wearing this? We’d be able to see if you had even a bowl of cereal. Sick loin cloth, tho.

I don’t know all that much about fashion but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Shrek baby was not “made in America.”

What fresh hell is this? It’s like Jessica Rabbit, wedding style? I obviously hate it.

Props to Taylor for matching her pedi to the exact color of the dress because that’s 1000% something I would do if I ever had a “it takes a village” moment. But this dress ain’t it. 

This is a sheer window treatment.

Mindy doesn’t look BAD but I’ve also seen her dress better for just a casual backyard photoshoot for her Instagram so I know she’s got more in her than a low pony and a navy blue gown. She wears the hell out of funky colors and patterns and this was a total lamewad safe move at a place where it’s encouraged to take risks.

Not this risk though. This one fell flat for me. Mostly because I’m getting a little jaded with the oopsie I’m naked look. Jeremy looks pretty dece though, he was just brought down by the flowers for nips arm candy.

I’ve never been a fan of the big collar or shoulder moment. Brings me back to the shoulder padded blazers of the 80’s. The taffeta flower on her thigh is also doing that. 

WHAT AN ASSHOLE MOVE by Kris Jenner. She should be disinvited. You think because you invented reality TV and built an empire off of a sex tape that you can just wear a basic black ladysuit to the Met Ball? Your daughter stepped out of a towncar in a head to toe leather dominatrix ensemble over the weekend. That was just a regular Saturday for her. Either you step up your game or you sit at home getting wine drunk. Don’t embarrass Kim like that ever again…she can do it all by herself as seen above.

Take a beat to notice the CONTRAST between Kris “I’ll just wear a Hilary Clinton pantsuit” Jenner and this broad right here who is wearing a LITERAL horse head. I can only hope she’s neighing and galloping around whipping that horse tail of a braid into the NYC breeze.

Oh no, bbgurl. I get that your mom is Madonna. You’ve got big shoes to fill. But nope. This is another Spirit Halloween Gypsy costume. Return for a full refund, honay.

As much as this would’ve been my dream prom dress from Deb back in the day, she looks physically uncomfortable in this. Her left boob looks like it’s about to be torn in half. The things we do for fashion.

the PERFECT closer to the WERST dressed list. I don’t know what this chick’s name is but from here on out it’s forever Tommy Pickles because she is WEARING A DIAPER.

BEST

This is some mermaid REALness.

Apparently Amanda Gorman was going for a Statue of Liberty theme (the statue of Liberty is essentially green…but ok) all I could think of when I saw this dress was that shitty 90’s song that goes “Oh my starry eyed surprise” so Amanda I hope you’re gonna dance all night to this DJ in that majestic ‘fit.

The hair and makeup is questionable but I’ve always been a sucker for a pearl dress. Girl is dripping in decadence.

Lil Nas X is never one to shy away from a scene. This was part 3 of his outfit unveiling, part two being a suit of golden armor and part 1 a very *catholic* looking extravagant gold robe. I’m partial to this sparkly tracksuit out of all three lewks and I think he rocked it. 

I’m torn here because I LOATHE the color peach and her bangs but when I saw it photographed in a different light it looked like much more of a muted blush so I’m gonna give the benefit of the doubt here because Billie in an elegant gown is much appreciated after a year plus of her gracing red carpets in neon green space buns and silky pj’s. An effort was made here and I very much appreciate it.

Ok, ok, I get it Troye. Your body is better than mine. I have a bridesmaid dress that was originally ordered for a November 2020 wedding but then Covid hit…so the last time this dress has physically been on my body was August of 2020 when I tried it on for the first time out of the box. It has hung in a deep dark corner of my closet since then, cloaked in shadows and shame because I can tell you with the utmost confidence that it no longer fits. I’ve put on a few panny pounds and it shows. Rather than facing my fears and trying it on, I’ve been eating ice cream and brownies every night after dinner. We all cope in different ways. Troye apparently copes by showing off his banging bodying in a slinky black gown, nips out for the boys. WUTEVER.

This dress and cape look stunning on her!

I mean, Barbie and Ken? Yes, please.

Hey all you creeps and weirdos, this is how you incorporate Covid’s new hottest fashion without giving us all the nightmares in the world. Crushing this routfit.

I could def do without the bleached eyebrows but I’m kinda digging the rest of this look right down to the stirrups. Love a good pair of stirrups. Never have to worry about your leggings riding up when they’re hooked to your heel!

What the hell is more American than Ralph Lauren? I put these two on the best dressed specifically for that.

This is more on the boring spectrum of playing it safe but she is rocking this dress so I respect it.

THIS IS HOW YOU DO A TASTEFUL NUDE, LADIES. TAKE NOTES.

Maybe it’s the hint at camo or maybe it’s the muted nudes but this is definitely one of my favorite looks of the nights. So soft and beautiful.

The style of the dress is kind of the equivalent of wearing a paper bag but she’s preggers so it’s probably comfortable as hell and we’ll give her a pass. The teal is to die for.

Ooh baby lime green and hot pink lips YES MA’AM! Kit looks dapper as well. At least he put a white coat on instead of going for black on black….channing.

As my friend Kat said, imagine sitting behind Iman? Seriously though you ain’t seeing for miles behind this headdress. This is EPIC. That’s how you rule a red carpet. Poor Megan Thee Stallion is looking at her like, I gotta follow this?!

Big booty big ole Megan held her own though. Loving the soft pink on her.

GIRL this red is fabulous. Not so much the posing of the claws though. Hope you don’t poke your butthole when you’re wiping. T’s and P’s. (The more that I think about it, how much you wanna bet celebrities have their assistants wipe for them so they don’t accidentally tear their anus or vaginal walls with a rogue claw? Jus sayin..these are the things I think about after a glass of wine.)

DEBBIE HARRY!!! GET. IT. GURL. I LOOOOOVE this look. This is ‘MURICA. Bitch has a flag hoop skirt and a jean jacket. If that ain’t the US of A I don’t know what is. She crushed it.

This is pretty boring but also I felt rude about putting her on the worst dressed when she still looks like a bangpiece.

Oh my lanta I want to roll around in this skirt. It looks so silky and smooth like a metallic river. Kacey looks bomb.com.

Kendall Jenner looks radiant and I can boo the rest of the Kardashian Klan all day and twice on Sunday but I’ll never come for Kendall. 

If this were any other type of fabric it’d be on the worst dressed list but because it’s denim I’m all in. It is giving me very happy flashbacks to the Justin and Britney denim duo and it’s perfect for this theme.

I’m obsessed with this look. Alicia looks amazing and I couldn’t help but wonder where she drew inspiration from (wink)

IS SHE WEARING THE ISADORA DIAMOND? Just kidding. But also not really because the colored jewels and the pastel look isn’t far off from our girl Andie Anderson. Love the sparkle and the fur for added drama.

You gotta be bold as hell to be like I’m just gonna show up in pinstripes like a gangsta. The gold sequins is an added bonus.

I believe this is the only purple of the evening and boy oh boy is it bold. Love that Shawn went leather jacket, no shirt and Camila went for bright purple sequins and feathers. Go big or go home.

This is a double whammy with fitting the theme (Football IS America) and supporting her mans. What a class act.

Taraji is not playing with this look or this facial expression. She’s like try me, I dare you.

Oh alright you intergalactic princess, you.

PULLING. THEM. OFF. (this joke will hit with about 3% of my regular readers but if you’re a fan of How I Met Your Mother, it’s worth it.)

I laughed out loud at how dopey and proud Pete Davidson is to be included in a fashion event. That smile and the pose with his jacket says it all. On top of that he referred to his look as “slutty nun” and that’s also hilarious to me as you see his little chopstick tattooed legs peeking out of this skirt.

Rita is a sparkly sensation!

YOOOO Sharon Stone can still GET IT. Although I would’ve loved to see a little more of that bangin bod that you KNOW she still has, I’m still into this classic black cape with sparkly emerald earrings. Take notes, Kris Jenner.

Legitimately thought this was Khloe Kardashian at first. What a mind trip to find out it’s Hailee Steinfeld. This textured gold mini is FIERCE though.

Give it to me in that Miami Vice pastel suit with a silk number underneath.

We’ve seen a LOT of gold numbers tonight but this dress was MADE for MJ.

HEY SIMONE, THIS IS HOW YOU WEAVE BEING A FAMOUS US ATHLETE INTO THE THEME. Gawd. Show some country pride like Megan did.

Ayesha looks like she wants to cut a bitch but other than that these two coordinated well and both look like babe sodas.

This is the kind of floral garden I’m down with. Not flowers that you NEED to cover your bits, but flowers that add to the already beautiful and flattering gown.

Even though this is a HORRIFIC angle and makes DVF look like she has a cancerous lump growing out of her side (it’s her knee) I love the cheetah and olive tones AND of course the fact that she matched her mask. Masks, so hot right now.

Donatella was like IDGAF I’m going to show up like it’s my wedding in Lake Como. She’s 66 years old and she’s all I’m gonna go Like a Virgin on their asses.

As someone who buys an item of clothing for someone else as a gift and then promptly buys a matching one for herself, I’m VERY into the twinning thing. Love that they did this.

Sienna with the fur cape looks like her house smells of rich mahogany and cigars.

I’m obsessed with a canary yellow and I don’t care who knows it. This color looks bonkers good on her.

Never thought I’d be so down with the classic white button up but both looks that incorporated it are chic as hell.

Head to toe perfection. The hair accents, the earrings, everything goes together perfectly.

A princess ball gown and the pop of contrasting color with her jewels are chef’s kiss.

If you guys haven’t figured it out yet I’m really getting a hard on for summer colors here. Especially because summer isn’t over even though you Fall betches are trying to make it over. This is so fun and funky.

Looking past the bangs (WHY WITH THE BANGS, EVERYONE) to appreciate the Barbie pink awesomeness. I want this gown and matching cape.

DAYUMN OLIVIA RODRIGO, GET ALL OF IT AND THEN SOME! I previously rapped hard about lace leggings on Serena and how they’re not flattering. Apparently they can be flattering AF on a stick figure teenager in the prime of her high metabolism. Important to note. Embrace these years, BB, it’s all downhill from here.