Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2021

Is it too soon to say we’re back? Cause I *THINK* we’re finally back with awards shows. Hopefully no more Zoom awards or 15 locations or celebrities pretending they wear masks or socially distance or WUTEVER. If you’ll recall this time last year we were judging people’s pajamas from their laptop screen grabs. It was dismal. AND NOW we’ve got people ACTUALLY getting dressed and walking an ACTUAL red carpet again. Look how far we’ve come! The Emmys were as normal as they could’ve been for an awards show that picked a comedian straight out of the early 2000’s to host. CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER?! REALLY?! Besides my untethered rage for that, I managed to watch the entire show and grin every single time Ted Lasso scooped an award, beaming from my couch proudly as if my own besties were accepting. Happy for them. Most importantly, I drove 4.5 hours behind MANY human beings who deemed it necessary to ride their brakes on a highway and I still managed to walk into my apt, rip open my laptop and spend several hours giving my esteemed commentary on these fashion choices. Am I a hero? Some may say so. (That’s my polite way of saying I have essentially passed and there’s a very real chance this red carpet blog is one of my worst but I’m nothing if not a slave to the content and I would be very disappointed in myself if I missed the kickoff to awards szn so thanks for supporting me for better or for worse, love you so much, byeeeeeeeeeeeee.)

WORST.

Anna-Konkle-Maya-Erskine

The Pen15 duo lives in the early 2000’s for their middle school characters but that doesn’t mean we have to dress like it too, ladies. The small checkers, bedazzled bow and a tiny purse were all a swing and a miss for me.

gillian-anderson

What fresh hell is this? A grandfather clock of tassels? Not a chance I’m not tugging on each one of those if I came in contact with this hot mess of a dress.

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LET ME BE CLEAR THAT NO MATTER HOW YOU STYLE THE RUFFLE IT STILL SUCKS. Oohh let’s do a serpentine ruffle down her bod. NOOOOPE. 

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Don’t get it twisted, sister I LOOOOOVE this color. Love love love it. But I cannot stand for so much style confusion. Skirt plus pants plus wrap blazer plus button down? Pick a lane!

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Schitt’s Creek got sloppy as hell now that they’re off the air and not nominated for every damn award. They’re like we swept last year so IDGAF what we look like this year. This baggy number is slob kebab city.

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Running it back to almost exactly what I said for Mindy at the Met Gala. I’ve seen her absolutely knock my socks off with fashionable and funky lewks. THIS AIN’T IT, SIS. I don’t know why she’s being so lame on red carpets lately but enough with the satin blacks and blues. And HONEY, the giant bow will ALWAYS be a no.

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Hella Victorian Queen vibes with a ripped curtain, cake tier style. I half expected a powdered wig to top it all off.

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What?! Was this planned or was there an unexpected fall chill in the air in LA? (When it drops below 90 that’s a chill for them.) Because there is no other excuse for this “I just borrowed my husband’s blazer to toss over my evening gown because they were blasting the AC too high” mood.

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This is a poop suit.

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Does Allison Janney have a mullet? I can’t cosign that hairstyle or the peplum waist and giant shawl. 

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MEH. I feel like this isn’t doing anything great for her. Not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, certainly better than what the Olsen Twins of darkness would wear on a red carpet, but still I expected more out of Elizabeth.

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I’m cool with Seth’s new college professor haircut and glasses combo but I’m not cool with the earth tones suit. 

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This might throw you off because normally if you’ve read any of my previous red carpets, you’ll notice that I get a fashion boner for bright colors and/or pops of color. So many celebs go for black or classic colors so whenever I see something spicy I jump on it. This is partially because I’m a color whore in my own fashion choices (and will not leave the house with a scrunchie that isn’t coordinated with my outfit) and also because when you blog every red carpet for 7 years, you start to need a little color to keep it FRE$H. Now that I’ve rambled my face off…I do not like this pop of color. I was scrolling down on this picture and was like oohh loving this bronze goddess and then I hit the shoes and almost threw up in my hands. So aggressive. So loud.

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If the comically large belts that provide no purpose other than to give you a mid-belly or underboob elastic mark make a comeback I’m OUT ON FASHION FOREVER. Giant belts were the WORST. Actually, gaucho pants were the worst but at least they were comfy as hell. Strapping on a belt in the middle of your body made you look like Trunchbull coming back from a shotputting competition AND ALSO pushed your lumps to other places and basically felt like you were wearing a waist trainer in public. UGH don’t make us go back to that. *Note Kathryn is also wearing a peplum tube top so I guess she REALLY embraced the new millennium.  

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This is a woodland fairy costume and you cannot convince me otherwise. Dear lord, is that a jelly purse?

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Honestly this might be a biased judgment but I had to sit through that CRINGEWORTHY opening rap that made no sense and I would like to eternal sunshine of the spotless mind that RIGHT out of my brain. Cedric could’ve looked like the hottest guy on the red carpet and I think I still would’ve bitterly tossed him on the worst dressed. Sorry bud, them’s the breaks. Can you imagine hosting an awards show and visibly bombing EVERY time you have the mic? Yooikkes on bikes. 

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This is a full-length ice dancer gown.

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This has to be a bit, right?! Like someone shot Nicole an invite to the Emmys and she was like I AM GOING TO GO FULL 60’s negligee in royal purple..

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Y’all know I don’t like celebs forcing their bits down our throats. We know you’ve got em. You diet and have personal trainers and all the money for plastic surgery in the world. We got it. No need to see upstairs yabbos and downstairs curtains on a red carpet. 

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One deep sigh away from a full frontal eyeful of boobs. There’s just way too much going on here, I don’t even know where to begin.

Vanessa Lachey

LeT’s JuSt GlUe cHuNks oF sHiNy fAbRiC 2GeThEr.

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Oh good, if you don’t want to wear a 3 feet wide belt with a patent leather buckle, you can just go straight for the outside corset. The corset RUINED this beautiful dress.

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MANDY. Girl. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Bangs are fine. Whatever. I’d never choose the bang life but if I were going to, I’d want them to look like this. But the pieces hanging down on the side? Nope. And the pieces hanging out off the side of her dress making her look like she’s got a comically large apple bottom dump truck? NOOOOOOOOPE. THIS IS SO UNFLATTERING I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ONE WOULD USE TULLE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU’RE A NESTING DOLL. 

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If this either of these two wore this look solo I’d be like DAMN GET AFTER IT. But because they chose to both wear zesty zoot suits, I HAVE to laugh directly in their faces. What an outrageous couples move. This is like the modern Britney and Justin denim Dan look–Zubaz style. Wow some people really took Tiger King and made it their personality. Ok I think i’m done roasting this duet. Omg I just noticed the matching manis. 

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KEWL BLOOD RED PARACHUTE!

emmacorrin

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS (PARDON MY FRENCH BUT ALSO NOT REALLY) BECAUSE THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYED SWEET SWEET PRINCESS DI IN THE CROWN IS WEARING A LITERAL SWIMMERS CAP, FINGERLESS GLOVES AND BLACK CLAWS. The Met Gala was last week, girl. Just because you weren’t invited doesn’t mean you can pull this shit on a normie red carpet. 

BEST.

Anthony-Anderson

I LOOOVE this classy floral pop.

Evan-Peters-Julie-Peters

You bring your mom on the red carpet, you’re guaranteed getting laid at the after party once Mom’s gone home to bed. That’s a fact, Jack. Nothing makes chicks wetter than this classic actor mama’s boy move. Evan also won an Emmy on top of this so DOUBLE getting laid. Good work, bruh.

Hannah-waddingham

Hannah has a body that won’t quit and I’m obsessed with her character on Ted Lasso. I could do without this weird one shoulder joint but I felt like she brought the heat otherwise. 

issarae

I wholeheartedly appreciate the full bodysuit underneath so we weren’t dealing with bedazzled areolas here but this dress is S T U N N I N G!

olivia-coleman

I like a cape because I support any awards show look where you can eat and drink your face off and not have to worry about your figure. Plus I bet it gives mad swish on the dance floor. I also would like a closer look at these heels because they look jazzy AF.

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I mean it’s Kate Winslet and she looks fabulous no matter what. Would’ve liked more of a risk but this is still a beaut.

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Hands down my favorite look of the evening. Everything’s coming up Ted Lasso, ladies and gents. Can you imagine your baby mama leaving you for Harry Styles and this is your rebuttal?! Jason has the #1 show, he’s about to be raking in 1 MILLION DOLLARS per episode and he looks like a total babe soda. Definite upgrade from last year’s wake and bake appearance at the Globes:

jason

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Billy is keeping it pretty tame this time around but I feel like he’s going for his own VS Angel fashion show and I feel like he earned those wings.

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Obviously I’ve dumped all over belts enough for one blog…you know how i feel about them…but the rest of the look is elegant and Old Hollywood glamour for the Beanster (who looks nothing like Monica Lewinsky and I’ll die on this hill.)

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PURPLE AND TURQUOISE, JEWEL TONES GET AT ME GIRL.

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The best part about these shoulder bows is that they’re somewhat obstructed from view due to their placement. So we’ll let them slide. Confetti party dress, FTW!

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I purposefully did not include any plain bagel who wore a straight black tux/suit. I don’t have time for that shit anymore. Sorry not sorry. I DID include Zach Braff because he put a spin on the straight black tux with this patterned jacket and I appreciated it. Lookin sharp, BB!

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Amy, this is how you rock the hell out of an oversized suit jacket. This set is fine, but the way that Leslie is WERKIN it really sells the whole damn package. 

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Oh, my lanta! Keri Russell with shimmering leaf boobs. I’M BLUSHING!

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This is a Belle moment if I’ve ever seen one. Even though Anya played the booziest chess player, she shows up at every awards show looking like she was made to wear a fancy gown. BTW, this gown is backless and Anya also gives good back.

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IT’S FALL SO BLUE VELOUR IS OK AGAIN, Y’ALL.

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But also so is fuchsia because we’ll never let go of summer and that’s pretty obvious. In the words of my four year old niece who put her own unique spin on Aqua’s 1997 hit, “Come on Barbie let’s go darty.”

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I kinda love the fact that this is played out as heck but Sterling K will never walk a red carpet without shades. It is the red bow on the package of his awards show look and it slaps every time.

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Ellen is also exuding BJE (big jumpsuit energy) and I’m vibing with it. The bedazzled hoops, the pony, the lines of jewels are all a YES.

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I feel like we see Catherine in black so often that I’m embracing a foray into coral. Supes fun. (It’s past my bedtime and yes I realize that I’m now moonwalking into “lame and unoriginal caption” territory. GET OVER IT.)

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YEAH VELVET LOAFERS ARE GONNA GET YOU ON THE BEST DRESSED LIST AND THAT SEEMS OBVIOUS. Hugh Hefner silk pjs up top would’ve really crushed, but whatevs. 

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I really only put this photo up for Leslie who is essentially wearing a Sigfried and Roy Vegas stage show costume and I’m drooling all the way for it. Clearly I need to get more shimmer and shine in my wardrobe.

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JEAN SMART IS A 70 YEAR OLD SEX SYMBOL.

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CATHERINE ZETA-JONES IS A 51 YEAR OLD SEX SYMBOL. (Also matching shoes and lipstick it’s like she knows the way to my heart or something.)

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Cynthia had mermaid vibes at the Met and now again at the Emmys and I DON’T HATE IT. This is fancy free and funky fresh (minus the 7 inch french tips) PS don’t think I didn’t notice that tiny belt. DIE AWAY FROM ME, BELTS.

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Clean look and I appreciate a sassy shoe.

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Fresh off some divorce news and letting us all know that she’s a good time gal who wears the shit out of neons and flowers!

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I love this! Great fit, great color on her and simple jewels that accent the vintage look perfectly!

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Rosie Perez as a Golden Goddess.

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Jennifer Coolidge has curves for DAYzzZz.

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I’m obsessed with everything about this. Pink tie, dog cane, top hat and F AWL the way off facial expression.

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Lil Dicky trying to make up for the fact that he was a willing participant in the opening rap trainwreck with this sharp look. People don’t forget, LD. That was even more embarrassing than season 2 of Dave.

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Another cringe partner in crime for the opening rap. Seriously, how did they come up with this motley crew of ruining Biz Markie’s legacy forever? We may never know. I do know Rita looks like a rocker bang piece though.

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Uhhhh DUH I’m gonna shout the hell out of this pastel pink getup. 

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Great color, fun texture. I really wanna cop a feel and see how this bad boy feels IRL. (It’s not creepy, I like to touch fabrics in stores too. When they’re on the hanger tho…not on people.)

Sophia-Bush

My raging girl crush on Sophia Bush has been reignited with this perfect princess lewk.

 

 

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