Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2021

HEY Y’ALL it’s your annual reminder that CABLE IS BONKERS STUPID and if I’m paying a subscription service to get cable why are they NOT tossing in the primetime networks for free? Pilfering cable logins just to get my awards show fix is getting REAL OLD. But that certainly didn’t stop me from doing it again last night. Shout out to my ex boyf’s parents who still love me enough to let me steal their login, feels good to be the golden child for once, even if it’s someone else’s family. I’ll take what I can get. #Grateful that I was able to shove salami and garlic stuffed olives into my facehole at warp speed last night while I HECKLED this awards show from the comfort of my couch. The fact that my out loud awards show commentary BY MYSELF isn’t a reality show at this point makes me really question the future of entertainment. Ratings would soar for the rosé-infused slob kebab in fleece PJ’s shouting “HE’S NOT NEW” when Jimmie Allen is awarded “Best New Artist” and then proceeding to ROAST him for crying as he accepted the award and admitting that he spent his last $50 on attending the CMA Awards a few years ago and he was living out of his car. With all due respect, I call bullshit, good sir. YOUR LAST FIFTY DOLLARS?! YOU SPENT IT ON A CONCERT?! Yeh. Ok. Anyone who has only $50 left is homeless. Let’s cut the shit on the rags to riches story. We get it, you’re grateful. We don’t need an overdramatized backstory. WoooOoo baby, I came in hot and for that I do not apologize. Get used to it. Best of luck to anyone who walked this red carpet cause I’m about to go IN.

WORST DRESSED

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This is too damn much and if we’re being really honest, I’m kinda over Carrie’s sourpuss. As the most outspoken A-list country singer against the vaccine, they panned to her immediately after Luke Bryan’s “immunized” Aaron Rodgers “joke” and Carrie looked irritated as hell to be there. HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR ONE TIME. She’s giving off REAL betch vibes lately and I’m ready to smack that stank face right off her.

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Two words: Leather Poop. Brown leather, REALLY KATY?! Come on. Not only is this a giant couch flavored turd but it’s unflattering as hell. I guarantee Katy is skinny as possible and yet this is hugging every crevice making her look like she’s preggers.

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This was my “what fresh hell is this?!” moment of the night. Maren will literally never stop getting as close to topless as she can get on primetime and hubby decided to compliment his wife’s constant near nip slip with a poop suit and Hef slippers. Her whoutfit isn’t even tailored to her miniature height. It’s just dragging on the ground like a pair of JNCO jeans.

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Meh. Plain black dress with Elle Woods pink clutch. Whatevs. Not awful but also LAME.

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Puff the magic dragon all up in ya with this sleeve/shoulder flare.

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Sorry pal, you know the rules. You wear a plain ass black suit amongst guys who actually take a risk and you can F all the way off onto the worst dressed list.

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I’ve never seen a more mismatched couple. We’ve got this Judah Friedlander-lookin ass on the left going for hipster thrift store finds I only drink PBR “sTyLe” and then ice dancer pageant queen on his arm. Like she’s 100% looking for ABC to pick her up for this year’s Miss America.

Judah_Friedlander

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I’m scrolling through red carpet looks and was the MOST taken aback by stumbling upon Susan Sarandon holding that tiny red clutch front and center. I’ll take WILDLY out of place for $500, Alex. Susan and her kit and caboodle purse with matching Dorothy heels took a sharp left turn out of The Polo Lounge and ended up at the Honky Tonk and she looks v. uncomfy. The white suit! The pearl necklace! Every detail of this look is church on Sunday.

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If you’re going to rock a skin tight pair of Tiger King hot pants you’re A-S-K-I-N-G for it. The “it” I’m referring to is of course me vomiting all over your fashion choices. I get this chick is going for carefree gypsy with moonstones and funky blazer but TIGER PANTS? REALLY, BABES?! (I heard Adele call someone babes in her cool AF British accent and this will now be a thing I try to shove down everyone’s throats for about one week until I forget all about it.)

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I feel like Russell is usually trendy as hell serving some looks with a funky color or pattern and PLAIN BLACK IS DEAD TO ME. I also just find this top heavy rhinestone sitch on his lady to be tacky. I’m bored with this. We’ve had over a year of cancelling awards shows and events and zooming instead of red carpets and I want my socks knocked off my damn feet with everyone’s comeback. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! Take a risk, homeslices! (I’m cackling as I type that because the MINUTE someone does something risky fashion-wise I also put them on the worst dressed list. And that’s why I’m a loser who wears a fanny pack and not a fashion critic y’all.)

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What in JoAnn’s Fabrics is happening here?! Rogue appliqué flowers and *ONE* glitter boob?! What’s the right one got that the left one doesn’t?! Why does she get her moment to walk in the sun as a sparkly spectacle and lefty is just covered in plain ole pleats? THE INEQUALITY. And then you tack on cross dangle earrings?! Girl, pick a damn lane. Also, not for nothing but were the stylists really pushing the smoking loafers this year for men or WHAT?!

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Dierks please for the love of God get rid of that mullet. You look suave as hell and then it’s that neck music that’s making me want to puke in my hands. And again, real ice dancer vibes in his lady. 

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Hard to pull off a classy Hamptons white party look when you’ve got a shag rug of chest hair protruding from your wife beater and we can see your ankle socks peeking out of your black shoes. What a G-D disaster. Plus, their whites don’t even match. She’s in white and he’s in cream. Who approved this?! For the record, this woman looks stunning. Beautiful, simple gown, her only cross to bear is Fozzy Bear on her left.

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I wore a black shin-length skirt to my first bar mitzfah that had a very prominent baby pink ribbon around the waist that I took as a clear sign I should match it to my top, thus creating a hideous black and baby pink combo that I’m sure was kewl for 6th graders getting hopped up on Mountain Dew and moshing to Sk8er Boi but it has FOREVER scarred me to this color combo. Sorry my own poor fashion choices have created this bias but I really started to get the sweats when I first laid eyes on this suit. I can’t relive 6th grade guys. I bet I had watermelon pink rubber bands in my braces too. WUPH.

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No joke I looked at last year’s blog and was fully convinced either it was the same photo or Old Dominion pulled a prank and showed up in the exact same outfits as the year before. I guess if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. But also, maybe fix it.

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Saved the worst for last!!! What a putrid duo. Did these two dum dums think this year’s CMA’s was a costume party? Halloween was a couple weeks ago, honies. Tweed and satin and puffy floating sleeves and rhinestones and patterned tights, OH MY. KILL IT WITH FIRE. Even Kermit would sip his tea and be like hmm, not for me.

BEST DRESSED

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Quite frankly I’m mesmerized by that teeny tiny waist on Caroline. What a rocket she is. Luke’s fine. Whatever. I couldn’t help but notice he’s looking a little Ken doll lately. Sometimes less is more with the plastic surgery, my man.

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From one hat gal to another, I love that she’s rocking the hell out of this outlaw cap with badass braids and adding a little shimmer n shine to it only made me love it more. Not super flattering to have your top in the shape of an arrow pointing to the part of your body that naturally gets wider but hey you win some, you lose some.

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Dan + Shay knew we were two nights away from getting Red (Taylor’s Version) and decided to serve us with some pumpkin spice latte coordinated fall lewks. I can always jive with a seasonal theme and these two look like they’d bring a homemade pie to Thanksgiving and whisper sweet nothings into your ear while you snuggle on the couch as the Tryptophan sets in. Did I just turn two earth tone suits into fan fiction? Mind your business.

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Last year I delivered some hard truths to Jason: “Change it up, Aldean. Am I being kinda harsh? Yeah. Get over it. Let’s see something other than 90’s era jeans with a chain, loafer boots, graphic tee and cowboy hat. SPICE IT UP.”

AND LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE. Jason Aldean must be a Salty because he HEARD me. Fitted black pants and a SILVER jacket, Ok, I see you BB!

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I spent a significant amount of time this weekend mulling over a purchase (discount of course) of a Cher Horowitz style plaid skirt. I love that this trend is coming back hoard and although I decided against purchasing the skirt, it was only because I have 0 friends and 0 places to be and I’m not about to waste fashionable separates on the couch. But then I saw this full plaid suit and I got the plaid tingles and the moral of the story here is I’ll probably purchase a plaid skirt and wear it around my apt just for the sheer joy of Tartan.

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We’re doing a lightning round of male appreciation here and this purple suit is hot 2 trot.

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Luke Combs is a back country man. The kind of guy that would probably rather be in a dive bar drinking Coors Light but also happens to have mad talent and I love the fact that he played it up for the red carpet. He probably felt like a real asshat wearing a velvet jacket and fancy boots but I tell ya boys, trendy evening wear every once in a while won’t kill ya.

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The goons of FGL were CONSISTENTLY on my worst dressed list for like the first five years they graced red carpets. They were showing up in denim vests and feathers and drug rugs and all sorts of hats and bandanas and acid washed jeans. Their style was atrocious and they LOVED that about themselves. The minute I saw this photo I was like HA. Doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, famous or a loser, you get wifed up and that is IT for your experimental fashion. Every single woman cuts the shit with that REAL quick and starts dressing their mans. So I’d like to thank wifey for this transition. She’s killin it in this gown and Tyler looks debonair (never thought I’d see the day where I’d use that word to describe this hobo.)

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Hot Diggity Dog, Jennifer slayed the performances with her powerhouse voice but before she could do that, she had to show up in a literal lace corset and pop that bangin body. I’m obsessed.

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99.9% sure I also crapped on Darius last year for pulling the plain black tux out of his b*hole (AND he was host) so once again, we’ve proved that my blog is the top source for fashion goss among male country singers because he was CLEARLY like I better switch it up or The Salty Ju will come for me. It’s not lost on me how important my opinion is to my zillions of followers. So yeah Darius, ya crushed it by going for my weakness which is a royal blue suit every damn time. Fre$h to death.

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Is Nicole Kidman going through a sexual reawakening? Because normally she’s giving off strong 75 year old witch vibes and last night she was arching that back and poppin that leg, booboo. Proud of her. And obviously I already drooled all over Aldean’s silver jacket and Keith is also rocking it. Metallic is my jam.

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Last time I saw Mickey she was preggers and now she’s wearing a SKIN-TIGHT white gown. That’s as bold as bold gets. She looks PHENOMENAL.

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What a snake move for them to pose as a group every year because the majority of the time they all look like duds except for one. Keep riding Kimberly’s feathers onto my best dressed list, Little Big Town. See if I care! But seriously, what a sassy fun party frock and the rest of them are attending a funeral.

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I’m very into the white Martha Stewart turtleneck moment we’re having here. Classy and elegant!

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Carly Pearce went through a public divorce from Michael Ray this year after being married for a whole five minutes and GREAT NEWS everyone judging completely by this one evening, she’s winning the breakup. She looks like a bombshell and she won female vocalist of the year. AND she smooched a hottie before accepting the award. That’s how you turn lemons into lemonade, yo.

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This hot pink and silver loudness makes me happy. I don’t know if it’s because I’m making direct correlations to Barbie or if it’s the couples coordination or what it is. So kewl outfit but you still didn’t spend your last $50 attending the CMA’s while you were living in a car, I rest my case.

 

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Look at this cherub in maroon. Missing his better half but I’m guessing she’s about to pop with their 4th kiddo and a red carpet wasn’t sounding spicy for her. Props to TR for holding down the fort in fashion.

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I want the shiny white gown. I realize that the actual nominee in this photo is the dude and he looks nice and all but Katie Stevens was an actress in the all-time classic chick show The Bold Type and I follow her on Insta and when she posted this photo supporting her huz, all I could think about was how I want this dress. Whatta babe.

 

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT AND IT AIN’T EVEN A COMPETITION:

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TENILLE TOWNES, DO YOUR THANG, GIRL! I mean WOO I nearly fainted when I saw this photo. She is OWNING this sultry red power suit. And worth noting that Tenille will always have a supporter in The Salty Ju because in addition to serving looks, she also happens to be the sweetest human on this earth. Kindness, talent and a bangin bod will get you EVERYWHERE, folks! Take that to the MF’ing bank.

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