Soak in the last few weeks of summer weather by kicking it back to 2013 where we were clearly in a heavy country phase. It’s fine though because it’s impossible to have the end of the summer scaries while singing about beer, cutoffs and tanlines.
Summer Jam- Jake Owen Ft. Florida Georgia Line. This song was made for summer palooza…plus there’s not a more flattering compliment than telling a chick that she’s sweeter than your sweet nanny’s lemonade.
It Goes Like This- Thomas Rhett. What a country doll Thomas is, writing songs to get girls. He obviously knows how to get tail.
Back Together- Jesse McCartney. We can all laugh it up reminiscing Jesse’s days in Dreamstreet or serenading us with Beautiful Soul but boy has GROWN UP. This was a comeback after he’d disappeared for a minute and it’s a real sassy number. Whiny kid from Summerland NO MORE!
That’s My Kinda Night- Luke Bryan. Luke does his best work when he throws down booty-shakin songs and this is one of his greatest. My kind of night is any one where I can see Luke switch his hat backward and swivel his hips, if anyone’s asking.
Brave- Sara Bareilles. Here’s an obligatory girl power song that also happened to sound almost exactly like a Katy Perry song except Katy can kick rocks because this one is way better. I just admitted that because I’m saying what I want to say…I’m being brave just like Sara told me to.
I Hope It Rains- Jana Kramer. I think this Jana song was pre-One Tree Hill in her Alex Dupre days so it’s not as saucy as when she was trying to steal Julian from Brooke Davis. Anyway, known to go down the aisle a time or two, Jana sings about an ex getting married and hoping his wedding day is ruined by a monsoon.
Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke Ft. Pharell. Hey remember when this song was the tits (literally…have you seen the video?) and then suddenly it got a lot of heat for promoting rape culture—oopsie! Either way it’s pretty catchy, sue me.
I Want Crazy- Hunter Hayes. Lil baby Hunter doesn’t want a vanilla relationship, he wants crazy love and I’m thinking maybe he should wait until he’s a little older and no longer has a curfew for such mature relationships. Has he even graduated high school yet? Anyway, I was really proud of the day I finally nailed these lyrics, it was right around the end of summer. I worked really hard.
Rebel Beat- Goo Goo Dolls. The Goo Goo Dolls went away for like a casual 10 years and got a whole lot older but when they came back they were better than ever. This song has a nice hipster vibe to it to show they aren’t stuck in the 90’s and it’s super fun.
Wasting All These Tears- Cassadee Pope. Cassadee’s a The Voice one hit wonder and this is a nice power ballad for post break up times or just like a really good car concert.
Whatever She’s Got- David Nail. This song was probably written about me cause guys are always in awe of my lethal combo of hotness and personality.
Best I Ever Had- Gavin DeGraw. Gavin went for a different sound with this one and it’s a real upbeat clapper, plus he shouts out a bunch of states in the middle of it randomly. He skips New York…I’ll have to forgive him for his obvious misstep.
Don’t Ya- Brett Eldredge. Brett’s first single before he was my future husband! Oh how far he’s come. Obviously it’s a banger because that’s all he releases.
Take Back the Night- Justin Timberlake. JT can do no wrong, even when he uses a slogan for rape victims as a song title. He simply tips his fedora and moonwalks away.
Round Here- Florida Georgia Line. FGL hit a hot streak with their first album and then they wore one too many barf.com vests in public and suddenly their songs weren’t as cool. This one covers all the basics though, fireball and dancing.
Gone, Gone, Gone- Phillip Phillips. What a beautiful love song from dubz Phil. What ever happened to him?
Counting Stars- OneRepublic. Ryan Tedder is always good for tunes, whether they’re his own or with others (cough cough I know places with Taylor Swift) and this one is no different.
Still Into You- Paramore. Sometimes I just like to remember the time when I thought I was punk rock because I watched the Ashlee Simpson show and Paramore always helps me do that. Girl changes her hair color to a different abrasive shade of red every 10 minutes but she knows angsty pop like nobody’s biz.
White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. He’s just so funny in his bright red shirt. Vanessa drops a HUGE clue in this one for any future suitors…just be funny and you’ve got a one way ticket into her pants.
1. America’s Sweetheart Sandy B is dating a silver fox.
It’s been reported that cute as a button Sandra Bullock is back on that dating grind years after that barf.com ex-husband of hers made her look terrible in the press via cheating scandal. The new man candy in Sandy’s life is photographer/model Bryan Randall. What you need to know about him is that he’s a silver fox and nothing else is important. Jk he has a daughter in college (yiiikes), is from Portland, Oregon and owns a successful photography company. I would like to congratulate two beautiful people on finding each other and hope that Hollywood doesn’t ruin their relashe. See–I can be nice when I want to!
2. TPain sang the hell out of Merica’s theme song. Ya boy T-Pain is sick and tired of everyone saying he uses auto-tune because his voice is garbage can quality. Nowadays he’s done with buyin you a drank and he’s all about showcasing his real voice in public. He also wanted to add that he used autotune to sound different…NOT BETTER. So everyone shut the hell up and listen to T-Pain’s patriotic melody give proof through the night that he doesn’t need autotune.
3. Read the room, Shonda Rhimes.
In THIRSTY efforts to bring attention back to Grey’s Anatomy after they aggressively killed off the most beloved, delicious, fictional doc of all time, Ellen Pompeo goes full nudey magazine day on the cover of the latest Entertainment Weekly. Hey Shonda, 99% of your viewers are females who like to sigh over McDreamy’s hair and have fantasies about being stuck with him in an elevator…looking at Dr. Meredith Grey’s lady lumps isn’t going to bring him BACK.
4. Rugrats might be coming back…again?
Nickelodeon is hopping aboard the nostalgia train and has announced they’re looking back at their old school cartoons and might be rebooting some as a publicity stunt for people who grew up on their shows. I think this is where we need to draw the line. I can’t see myself sitting in my PJ’s at 24 and lawling at a bunch of babies who can only talk to each other or Ren and Stimpy tell fart jokes. It would be much appreciated if Nick could nip this right in the bud and actually follow through with their promise to start airing MK&A original movies and TV shows. MAKE IT HAPPEN, NICK. One episode of So Little Time in May doesn’t COUNT!
5. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE QUEEN!
Celebrate this holy day with a little Love On Top because it’s impossible to listen to this song and be grumpy.
“Because our lives are garbage and it’s the world’s fault.”
I binged the first five episodes this past weekend and then felt so strongly about this show that I immediately drafted a blog (a little on the tipsy side) to tell you why it’s important to watch Hulu’s new original series Difficult People. I feel like it’s been a beat since I’ve gushed about a TV show and shoved a recommendation down your throat. So please feel free to view the trailer below to get ready for what might be a trainwreck of words beneath it.
Billy Eichner. Billy rose to fame just by shouting at people on a sidewalk and recording it. Please watch Billy on the Street clips or his bit from the Emmy’s below to know how great he is at being a jerk to strangers.
Julie Klausner. Julie used to write Housewives recaps on Vulture and basically inspired me to completely copy her on my own blog by doing Beverly Hills Housewives recaps because she was so funny. Please see below examples of her kind words about Kyle Richards & husband Mauricio:
“Kyle also struck a “silly” pose next to some of the more ribald mannequins because Kyle is a loathsome former child actor who will bark on her hind legs for the attention of a camera lens or a high-status pair of eyeballs. She is a shallow and childish monster, and I hope Brandi stops making nice to this ersatz wretch and her garbage husband tout de suite.”
“Shut up, Maurice, you Ooga Booga dumb-dumb mouth-breather. Take your shirt off and keep your lips zipped. My two cents.”
Amy Poehler produces it. Do you need to be further convinced that everything Amy does is entertaining?
Difficult People pokes fun at millennials in an exaggerated but well-written way. It’s kind of like Girls if the characters in Girls realized how stupid they were being. Julie & Billy are comedians trying to make it big in NYC and their bond is that they’re both pop culture obsessed judgmental people. Their snarky commentary on everyone around them is meant to make them look like assholes but they’re not unlikable characters because they’re self-aware assholes. They’re in on the joke that is our society right now, which leads me to my next point about the controversy of this show.
The Internet haters of Difficult People are outraged about the exact same stuff this show is making fun of and they don’t even know it. In the pilot episode, there’s a scene where Julie tweets that she can’t wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough for R. Kelly to piss on her. The joke is obviously over the top and making fun of how we idolize celebrity children before they’ve even done anything while at the same time reminding everyone how disgusting R Kelly is. In the episode Julie faces backlash on twitter and decides to delete it. In real life there was the same exact reaction TO A WRITTEN JOKE IN THE SHOW MAKING FUN OF INTERNET OUTRAGE. The show is making fun of how ridiculous people’s sensitive reactions are to everything and then they go ahead and prove it right. Watch Blue Ivy Clip Here Let’s all just hold hands, sing kumbaya and laugh at this show because it’s hilarious. Also shout out to the commenter who left this review on IMDB: “Obnoxious show about chatty egocentric gossip queens.” Nailed it…
BONUS: As most former SNL cast mates’ creations go, there are a fabulous amount of guest appearances including Fred Armisen, Kate McKinnon, Rachel Dratch, Martin Short, etc.
Best episode (so far): “The Children’s Menu”-Episode 5 where Julie and Billy open a restaurant for adults but with only kids menu food and realize they hate children. I’d like to put it on record that if a restaurant for adults called “The Children’s Menu” actually existed I would eat there at least once a week. CHICKEN NUGGETS 4 LYFE. Anyway, Billy and Julie publicly battle a 19-year-old entitled YouTube star and it’s can’t-miss TV.
When Tay gave us the Blank Space video, it was so over the top that it needed a full blog dedicated to her spectacle of outfit changes. Wildest Dreams deserves it’s own blog because of the perfection that is Scott Eastwood…and also how cocky it is for Taylor Swift to cast this hot piece of ass for a song about a love affair that the guy will never forget. What a minx. Let’s dive in.
In old timey Africa, Taylor is a dark haired raven. I’m not really into it HOWEVER it’s still better than her hair in the I knew you were trouble video.
Her hair may be blah but her cat eye, as always is perfection. I can’t decide if I’m more jelly of that or this…
This is her leading man and it literally baffles me that this is the son of crusty old Clint Eastwood. Until I google young Clint Eastwood and then WHOA. Mind blown.
Anyway, back to the main event:
We’re like 5 seconds into the video and they’re already playing tonsil hockey. The true reason why Tay cast Scott for this vid.
HER FOOT POPPED. IT WAS A FOOT-POPPING KISS.
Easily her best fashion moment in this video also what’s up, giraffe?
Cecil? Too soon? R.I.P
OH HEY scandalous sleeping with your co-star Tay!
This is getting good now.
Then it gets bad because Tay goes Blank Space on him for a beat. YIKES.
Scott uses his strong legs to kick a chair. A little bit of drool falls out of my mouth unexpectedly.
Quick recovery with a safari flying date. Taylor looks like she smells of mothballs. My nana used to wear that head scarf to Sunday services. Jus sayin.
Gonna need for them to never cover Scott’s face like this ever again.
Then he tosses her around like she weighs the same as a newborn baby. Muscles ❤
Tay admires her million dollar legs with Simba. (Wild animals make her go legs out apparently)
Then she’s basically naked. No seriously, did she think this outfit would slide under my radar? I see buttcheek.
More, more, more! What is this The Notebook? (I don’t hate it.) I bet she was like but what if we add a little rain? Wouldn’t that be cool? And then maybe I’ll just mount Scott right during a rainstorm.
But then the joke’s over because this was all in front of a green screen with some hideous costumes. Khaki trousers will never be flattering, folks.
Bad boy 4 lyfe Scott smokes inside and thinks about the next co-star he’s going to bang. (Spoiler alert: it’s me.) He’s so bad but he does it so well.
Suddenly this is a story about a girl named Lucky.
JK Scott’s actually married to a tramp and Taylor’s all remember when we mated amongst the zebras and lions?
The final shot. DAMNIT SCOTT, IT’S TOO LATE.
But actually, when does this full length feature film come out? BECAUSE I AM ALL IN.
Not to deter from the new hotness of loving wild animals but how exactly do music videos make proceeds? Just wondering.
Anyway, all around great video, Tay. Holding out hope there will be more of this in the feature:
We’re absolutely getting to the point where I’m too old for the VMA’s and nothing made that more clear than watching the pre-show with a shitload of people I didn’t even know. At least Sway is still around. As a very public Miley Cyrus h8er it pained me to watch a show where she was guaranteed so much screen and mic time. (Plus it created an outrageous number of “You don’t want to miss what Miley does next” teasers before EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK.) But what can I say, I recap for the people so here are your highs and lows of the VMA’s.
Lows:
-MILEY. From the several gag-inducing neon rave outfits (with nothing left to the imagination) to the amount of times she felt it was necessary to remind us she loves pot and the grand finale song about weed/performance that made me want to hurl things at the TV, everything about her as host was AWFUL.
-Macklemore AND RYAN LEWIS reenact their weird AF music video for new song Downtown that still makes my ears bleed out. (Also this gentleman with a ladies’ voice gives me nightmares.)
-Whatever this horrific excuse for a bit was–definitely didn’t offend anyone. Too soon, Rebel, too soon. I’m obviously referring to seeing her in hot pants.
-JBiebz HUUUUUGEEEE comeback sooooooked. He wore a trucker hat and headset like he was a member of N*SYNC but accented that with an oversized tee with leggings like I do when I have my period and I’m bloated, all black cause he has a lot of emotions. Speaking of emotions, he hysterically cries at the end of his garbage can performance, I’m assuming because he realized how terrible his voice is.
-Pharell revives Newsies.
-Kanye’s Video Vanguard speech is so Kanye. Taylor presents the award (for ratings) closing out her very scripted speech with a new version of “I’mma let you finish.” PLAY THIS OUT MORE, MTV. SERIOUSLY. IT’S ONLY BEEN 6 YEARS. Kanye takes the stage and allows everyone to worship him standing O style for a good 15 minutes. He soaks it in silently telling the audience that he’ll TELL THEM when they can stop applauding. Finally he gives their bleeding hands a break by saying “Bro, bro listen to the kids.” Now we’ll go into a segment where I highlight the few things I understood from this speech that went on all night as the uncomfies took over my life and ended with a presidential bid for 2020.
SPEECH HIGHLIGHTS:
-He addresses the audience as Bro or Bruh. If I closed my eyes it was almost as if I was hearing a presidential address from ABROham Lincoln. Chills.
-Yeezy thinks about the 2009 VMA’s when he’s having in-depth juice discussions at Whole Foods.
-Gets boo’ed at baseball games because of his inclination toward Hennessy in 2009.
-He probably regrets wearing a leather shirt more than he regrets ripping the mic out of Taylor’s dainty little hands.
-Thoroughly enjoyed JT’s album entitled “Future Love Sexy Back” AKA “Sexy Back album”
-He watched Justin Timberlake cry at the Grammy’s after losing for aforementioned made up album.
-Kanye pre-gamed this speech with some of Miley’s kush. JUST TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF…CHILL, BRUH.
-Any time he’s at a loss for words he shouts “listen to the kids” which seems like terrible advice since kids are really stupid. Then again…Kanye’s an adult. So–catch 22.
-He doesn’t understand how awards shows work.
-He is running for president in 2020. (CAN YOU IMAGINE KIM KARDASHIAN AS FIRST LADY THOUGH?)
-The Wildest Dreams video. Obviously. I see what you did there, Tay. You made this video just so you could mack all up on Scott Eastwood. Respect. (Full breakdown of video comin atcha, whether you want it or NAHT.)
-Opening peformance from Nicki Minaj where her RB curtz AND buhhole were politely covered by red feathers. My eyes thank you, Nicki. Tay shoots out of the stage with her infamous erect pageant arm in a matching red number for an over the top beef squashing. Tay sang Bad Blood for a second then they were like LAWLZ JK WE’RE FRIENDS! NO BAD BLOOD HERE!
-Kanye is really into smiling and Taylor Swift’s the SHIT out of audience dancing during “Can’t Feel My Face”. Grey Goose (Marijuana) got the girl feeling loose.
-Nicki wins—stands at the bottom of the steps until Rebel Wilson comes down to get her and then at the end of her acceptance speech decides to take her hoops off and ask Miley WHATS GOOD, BITCH. It’s a good thing Miley is on another stage because she absolutely poops herself and is like heh you know that was taken out of context Nicki, we good, right grrrlll? I get that this was all 100% scripted because Nicki laughed after it but I don’t care one bit because I now know that Miley can dish it but she can’t take it and I would watch Nicki curbstomp her ANY day. CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH GOOOOOOOO!
-Tori Kelly SLAY GIRL SLAY. She wears a skintight sparkly jumpsuit that gives me the tingles and lets that killer voice of hers roar on “Should’ve Been Us”. R.I.P to every other performance because this was the only one worth watching all night. Pure talent. Watch in full here
-Demi Lovato did “Cool for the Summer”, a song that I can take or leave but she looked FAB despite being surrounded by men in neon speedos. Iggy came for a quick rap and also looked gr8, then finished with Demi crowd surfing in an inflatable pool, cause summer.
-Tay wins video of the year for Bad Blood, pretends she knows anything about Straight Outta Compton but then gives us this beautiful quote, “We live in a world where boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers” promptly followed by Miley’s nipple. That sums up the MTV VMA’s better than anything. Goodnight and good luck to our future as human beings.
Winners:
Best Pop Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift
Best Male Video-Uptown Funk Mark Ronson Ft. Bruno Mars
Best Hip Hop Video- Anaconda, Nicki Minaj
Best Female Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift
Video with a Social Message- One Man Can Change the World, Big Sean, John Legend, Kanye West
Artist to Watch- Fetty Wap
Video of the Year- Bad Blood, Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar
The awards show that brought us Lady Gaga’s meat dress obviously is held in high regard in the fashion industry. JK this show is always a trainwreck and it’s difficult to find a best dressed anywhere near the VMA’s but I did my best…just like it took Miley all of five minutes to do her best to force my dinner back up my throat.
WORST:
The day that I put Nicki on a best dressed list will probably be when hell freezes over.
I don’t even know what to make of this outfit. It’s like pirate meets salsa dancer meets hooker.
WITCH!
Fringe splosion. Not a good look.
Jillian Michaels brings us back to 1993. Also we get it, you have abs.
Bad Blood squad not faring well on the Ju…Color and style of this dress are blah.
I don’t understand how Kelly did Fashion Police for so long and continued to dress like a dumpster.
C’mon Tay. Act like you’ve owned the VMA’s red carpet before. This outfit is blinding, the hair is too slicked and it looks like she can’t keep her eyes open with that cat eye overload.
The safari twins going for matchy matchy neutrals.
Too many aggressive styles at once on this jumpsuit.
Britney. We talked about this. Please cover yourself. It’s getting embarrassing.
Justin, your hair, WOOF.
Obviously. We can go ahead and book every look of the night for Miley under WORST.
BEST:
Elegantly slutty is what I call this look. Also John with the leather pants? DAMN.
GET OUT RIGHT NOW, it’s the end of baby JoJo.
One of my favorite looks of the night. Tori’s crushing the going out party shorts
I don’t think it’s possible for Gigi to look bad.
Summer’s not over yet with this hot pink!
This dress normally wouldn’t be for me but Demi is rocking it
Selena says I’m classy AF with the black gown but also I’m not wearing a bra with the nips peek.
Nothing weird here, keep up the good work Cara.
I can appreciate the hippie chic on Vanessa.
SIIICK Loutfit from Nicky J.
And for all the squad shippers…of course Tay did the red carpet with the Bad Blood crew:
1. Biebs is Back and wants to know what do you mean?
So the Biebster did his bad boy thing, then rehabbed his image with a very public and much too nice roast and then spent the past month hyping this single every 10 minutes on Instagram. The first few days of celebs joining in was cute, then when it was all I ever saw on the gram, it got annoying real quick and I declared that this song better be the second coming in music for it to ever live up to all of the obnoxiousness. Apparently his version of Best Song Ever is this and a lyric video with a skateboarding punk from an MTV reality show 10 years ago. No seriously. RYAN SHECKLER?! That’s who you went with for this much anticipated single drop? If you ever want to laugh uncontrollably, watch an old clip from Ry Ry’s show and listen to how terrible he is at narrating/reading from a script. It used to be one of my favorite pasttimes to talk in Ryan Sheckler voice to annoy everyone around me. “When I was little….MY mom….and MY dad….got divorced.” Anyway, I got sidetracked, the moral of the story is this song is lame.
2. J.Law and Amy Schumer piano dance. These two goofbombs are the newest BFF’s that everyone is spazzing over. Yeah they’re both cool hot blondes who act crazy and make us giggle but I don’t think it’s headlining news that they went on vacay together…what I do think is headlining news is that Billy Joel let them stomp all over his piano at last night’s concert. Good for you, Billy–keeping your cool factor at an all-time high. Here they are grooving around to Uptown Girl. They also are apparently writing a script for a movie that they play sisters in and obviously I will be first in line to see that–especially if it’s anything like Trainwreck cause that was a top notch flick.
3. VMA’s are this weekend. Instead of revving up with the uncomfies for what is sure to be a disgusting display from host, Miley–let’s instead look forward to gr8 talent and musical moments by watching this fab-tastic 2000’s medley from Tori Kelly who will be performing. Other announcements include Nicki Minaj opening the show again (hopefully with less buhholes, for my eyes’ sake) J.Biebs to perform his new single, Macklemore FT. RYAN LEWIS to perform their new single (which is really weird and makes my ears confused), and Kanye will receive the video vanguard award…for what exactly I’m not quite sure. And last but most, my girl Tay will be debuting the music video for Wildest Dreams which features zebras and Scott Eastwood (lick.) TUNE IN SUNDAY at 9!
4. Taylor Swift has famous friends. For the past few months that the 1989 tour has been happening, we’ve been reminded after each and every surprise guest that Taylor Swift is BFF’s with everyone but nothing prepared us for the mixed bag that her multiple nights in LA brought us. I guess there’s nothing quite like standing in front of a bunch of celebrities and just basically calling them up to the stage one by one to prove you’re all buds who party at each other’s mansions and stuff. (Clearly not jelly at all.) What I found REALLY RUDE was that she had the NERVE to bring JT back for his first post-baby performance after I just embarrassingly begged for that on this very blog. They sang one of my favorite songs and oh yeah I WASN’T THERE. #NOTFINEATALL (Peep any or all of the 1 billion pics and clips below to pretend like you were there…)
5. O-Town is the new 1D. This is not relevant or news but my friend Lindsey (via KardASHLEY) asked me if I had heard the new O-Town song and this one slipped right through the JUice apparently because it came out a while ago. I apologize for not being on top of this but I watched the music video–the song is outrageously good and the music video made me go ALL IN on Dan. Obviously Ashley Parker Angel was the real pretty boy of the group back in the day and when they released Sky Dive last year without him, I couldn’t fully get on board. But now…Ashley who? Dan get at me, bruh. This revelation comes hot on the heels of 1D announcing an upcoming hiatus that we all saw coming and I think we all know who can replace them…
Like many of my 90’s counterparts, I grew UP on MK&A original movies and often found myself wondering why my family vacations didn’t entail meeting a cute boy and falling in love before the week was over. They gave me travel AND boyfriend goals with their Oscar-worthy flicks. They were SO important to me, in fact, that I find myself buying them up on DVD so that I can relive the magic now that VHS players are extinct. That is how I found myself filling up a glass (or two) of wine and watching the twins take on country after country on a Saturday night, trying to remember what I ever found attractive about their cheesy foreign suitors.
Spoiler alert: New York Minute is omitted because they sold out for it and it SUCKED..stick to straight-to-VHS, girls. Getting There also does not make this list because I remember absolutely nothing about it…and do not have the desire to ever re-watch it. Saaarrryyyy.
Here the pieces of man (boy) meat are ranked from worst to best:
14. Jordan, Holiday in the Sun
Jordan was easily my most hated MK&A character of all time and that’s including that snob of a child Keegan in this same flick. The first red flag should’ve been that Jordan was wearing a wife beater at the club…that one dirty undergarment SCREAMED that he would get them thrown in the Bahamas slammer. Red flag numero dos is that he’s a local at a vacation resort. He is NOT what time it is. Jordan is BFF’s with a sixty-year-old guy named Champlain who wears Hawaiian shirts, sketchy sunglasses and a poorly styled white mullet—yet is surprised to find out he’s a criminal. Also his career is feeding fish and he DEFINITELY smells like fish guts 24/7. Alex is on her spring break and her first date with the Jordmaster is helping him clean the fish tanks and feed his underwater friends. He obviously knows how to woo a girl. NAHT.
First Kiss: After Jordan takes the stage to serenade Alex with an original song (it’s actually a good song…the only nice thing I’ll say about him but like… you’ve known her 1 whole day I don’t think you love her in any shade) they have a delicate kiss after he utters the worst sentence in movie history—see worst pickup line below. (Original song/First Kiss also below, I suggest watching on an empty stomach)
Worst Pickup Line: “Has anyone ever told you that I’m going to kiss you?” UGH. BLECH. VOMIT. COVER MY EYES AND EARS. If anyone ever uttered these words to me and came at my face I’d jump into the probably very near shark tank at Atlantis. Get lost, Jordan.
13. Michel, Passport to Paris
Michel is barf city. He wears a bucket hat for FAR TOO LONG and Mel is still all about it, it MUST be the accent, there’s no other excuse. When Melanie goes to Paris her interests include froyo at the mall but when she meets starving artist (teenage flower shop employee) Michel, he teaches her about art and music. He wah wahs about his dad forcing him to be a butcher instead of a musician and honestly I can’t with Michel. You’re like 14, do less.
First Kiss: At the dance, at the same exact time that Jean kisses Ally, because twins lose their kiss virginity together or else there would be a WHOLE lot of jelly belly going around.
Worst Pickup Line: “It’s what you feel when you look at art” He literally forces her to look at paintings. No thanks. Also he calls his grandpa “grandpazer”. Au Revoir, Michel.
12. Ryan, When In Rome
Not only does Ryan have sonic the hedgehog hair, but he also gets friend zoned, HARD, which barely makes him viable for this list. Leila finds out that Ryan’s riding his uncle’s coattails so he can play with all of his luxurious toys and is all bye, Felicia I have goals. He obviously tells her to lighten up because he is a big spoiled turd with no redeeming qualities. Leila gets Ryan to buckle down and work for his uncle by the end but when he tries to take things to the next level again she’s like uh, could you go fix your hair?
First Kiss: Never. Ryan gets denied TWICE…first with a handshake then with a hug. Do you need some Italian ice for that burn, Ryan?
Worst Pickup Line: “You know what they say, when in rome…” No Ryan, she still doesn’t want to run her fingers through your prickly hair.
11. Ryan, Billboard Dad
Apparently Ryan’s stick together in the boyfriend-ranking world of the Olsen twins. This kid was a PUNK. He was like 10 years old wearing a leather jacket and had an eyebrow piercing. Hey Ryan, pull this crap in like 8 years. These girls haven’t even hit puberty, they’re certainly not going through their bad boy phase yet. Even though Ryan wasn’t a boyfriend…he actually becomes a step brother—it was necessary to include him JUST so I could publicize this picture of him wearing jorts and then casually diving into a pool while still wearing said jorts. Have you ever felt wet jeans? It’s the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. Anyway, at one point Emily says, “He should be arrested for his crimes against fashion” and I’ve never agreed with anything more. Book him.
First Kiss: Never because he becomes family and the Olsens aren’t into incest.
Worst Pickup Line: “I got a new tattoo and it has to stay out of the water for 24 hours. Doctor’s orders.” Technically this isn’t a pickup line but that dumbass hunk diving coach Brad falls for a TATTOO THAT CAN’T GET WET (on a small child.)
10. Paolo, When In Rome
Paolo is kiiiiind of an asshole but blames all of his a-hole qualities on being Italian, which after spending 3 months in Florence and seeing how the Italians give 0.0 F’s, kind of makes all the sense in the world. Charli (such a trendy name) likes to work hard and earn respect and Paolo is like working hard is for nerds let’s kick back and gaze into each other’s eyes while we slum our intern work off on someone else. Although it seems like Charli isn’t really into Paolo because he’s kind of a doucheypants and got her fired, she ends up falling right into his “Ciao, Bella” clutches. After calling all American girls uptight, they smooch all over Rome and he sexually teaches her how to make pizza. CAUSE HE’S ITALIAN, SO HE MAKES PIZZA. DUH. He’s not dead last on this list because I can appreciate an American girl getting swept away by a smooth talking Italiano (Paolo and Isabella, anyone?)
First Kiss: After Charli explains what a GPS is to Paolo (who looks like she just told him that this machine would take them to Venus) they swap spit on his Vespa.
Worst Pickup Line: “It’s your first day in Roma can you please how you say chill and have some fun?” DO NOT TELL ME TO HOW YOU SAY CHILL, PIZZA BOY.
9. Adam, The Challenge
Adam was kind of a dweeb and definitely demoted himself on the ranking for his cheesetastic dialogue and love of Hawaiian shirts with coordinated shell necklaces, plus I’m not fully convinced that he wasn’t a ginger. (Overall could’ve done with a whole lot less Adam, a whole lot more Marcus…see #6)
First Kiss: When they’re hiding from Max (the producer) whose trying to catch them on camera kissing so he can DQ them from the games. Stop being such a perv, Max, no one can stop this island love.
Worst Pickup Line: “I think you’re pretty amazing. Pretty and amazing.” No. Just no.
8. Jean, Passport to Paris
Jean is good looking for a thirteen year old (I guess…in like a really non-creepy way) but he speaks shitty English and when the rain comes he gets sad (actual piece of dialogue from his mouth.) I guess I understand Ally’s attraction to him because he makes a scene at a French restaurant for her then smokes a breadstick like a REAL badass. Their relationship is impractical because neither of them knows what each other is saying, normally it would be the perfect foreign hook up…except that the girls are like 12 in this movie and it’s their first kiss. Womp wompppp. Anyway, Jean is the epitome of the study abroad boyfriend dream when he gives her a private tour of the city on his moped and throws rocks at her window. So I guess he’s alright.
First Kiss: At the dance where him and Michel’s band plays…slow dancing and a quick peck because France plays it fast and loose.
Worst Pickup Line: His impression of Americans: “American girls like to LAAAAAUUUUFFFF. American girls zey walk like this. Bonjour, Bonjour, OH MY GOD.” Hey Jean, no one says Bonjour in America. Get it right if you’re going to take the stage for a five star impression.
7. Cody, Billboard Dad
Cody was cool to the max and more than willing to use his LA connects to woo Tess, his middle school crush. Deduct points for his bucket hat, but we’ll let it slide because he’s an aspiring rapper and invited Tess on a date to see No Doubt in concert—when she can’t attend he brings her back a tape of the concert and a t-shirt. What a dreamboat he is.
First Kiss: Cody wears a leather jacket because he thinks Tess is into bad boys and when he confesses he doesn’t know what else to do to get her to like him she gives him a kiss on the cheek. PG style, obv. (Side note: he can’t tell the twins apart which pretty much voids his crush if he doesn’t even know which one he likes)
Worst Pickup Line: Any time he raps…bro needs a little work on his lyrics but he’s got nothing but time for that.
6. Marcus, The Challenge
I probably shouldn’t openly admit that when I’m dazzled by a guy his personality takes the backseat but that is clearly the case with Marcus. He’s a doucheroni and basically sniffs around for dirt then uses it against Lizzy and Shane in the competition for better TV ratings, typical reality show slime machine. But have you seen those eyes? And that smile? And when he rocks a backwards baseball hat? Swoon. Plus he’s only an intern and the producer is already taking notes from him…so he’s obviously going places.
First Kiss: After Lizzy makes it through the final challenge without getting eaten by snakes Marcus swoops in and is all congrats I’m proud of you even though I created this challenge based on your worst fear.
Worst Pickup Line: Probably the part where he confesses he’s been a snitch. Kinda hard to get the girl when you’re telling her that you’ve been manipulating the show to make her life mizzz.
5. Brian, Winning London
Brian was gr8 because he was a moron. He made sports references every other sentence (we get it, you play football) and had literally no idea Riley was in love with him, thus continually calling her kiddo and telling her that he’ll never forget the time she ralphed up hot dogs at the Dodgers game. Riles is persistent though and teaches him to dance with some very PG hip-bumping until her sister accidentally C-blocks her. Finally the two find love in a hopeless place (an air duct) and ride off into the sunset on a horse, obviously. Brian may have been stupid, but he was a real piece of man meat who held his pinky up while drinking tea…plus Bri & Ri? Could there be a more compatible couple name?
First Kiss: In an air duct after Ri tells Bri calling her kiddo makes her undies drier than the Sahara.
Worst Pickup Line: When he gives Riley a sports pep talk before she has to make the final debate instead of Chloe. Find your chill, Brian.
4/3. Pete & Avery, Our Lips Are Sealed
Let’s get real here, these two were EXACTLY the same person. They were basically twins themselves, and even completed each other’s sentences. Whatever, I don’t hate it because they were obviously top BF material but we’ll just refer to them as one—Pevery (yikes.) The “surfies” were into xtreme sports (walking across the Sydney bridge, jetskis, surfing), were chill AF and didn’t care about the popular betches. Plus like they had surfer bodies, killer tans and perfect teen popstar hair. What more do you want from them? What–am I supposed to say something funny here? SOMETHING FUNNY!
First Kiss: Do they ever kiss? Don’t they just have surf wars and dance on the beach?
Worst Pickup Line: “We don’t wanna rush anything but…tomorrow’s Saturday. Got any plans?” I’m guessing it’s pretty much social suicide in Aussieland to not have plans on Saturday.
2. Griffin, Holiday in the Sun
Ok, so some of you may be wondering how Griffin snagged the #2 spot when he was preeetttyy much a certified creep-stalker. However, I think what’s most important to note is that out of all of the many Olsen boyfs, Griffin was the only one who didn’t fall in lust after JUST meeting the girls. Griffin’s known Madison since they were little and has developed a love for her over time because they both like books and shit. THIS IS GREAT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. This relationship has staying power, even though Madison originally pursues the dumb hot party kid at the resort, she soon learns the error of her ways when she sees Griffin spying on her from behind a plant in her hotel room. Just kidding, sort of. He’s nerdy attractive and says things like “I couldn’t sleep because the mere thought of spending the day with you made me twitch with anticipation.” Whoa. That’s some deep shit, Griff. Plus his delivery of “DON’T SPLASH” was the best display of acting I’ve ever seen. Nice guys don’t always finish last.
First Kiss: In front of the waterslides at Atlantis. Pure romance. Even better is that when he thinks they’re going to die/get arrested he stops her Bond style to sneak a kiss “in case he never gets a chance to again.”
Worst Pickup Line: “Everybody’s got a hobby, right? You’re mine.” Apparently Madison didn’t think that meant he wanted to turn her into a skin suit because she promptly laid one on him.
1. James, Winning London
James has a whole lot of things going for him, the first obviously being that he’s super attractive, the second being that he’s British and therefore has an adorbz accent and lastly he’s rich AF and basically royalty…need I say more? James and Chloe had the ultimate meet-cute when he rescues her from a piece of toilet paper stuck to her patent leather boots and then Chloe promptly trips over a bag. It was a rocky start but realistically, if James could get past that knit cap she was wearing inside, these two can overcome just about anything. (Which was put to the test later when Chloe slicks her hair back, puts on a suit and her best lip gloss to pass as a boy…) James’ father is a lord (and a real DICK) but he lives basically in a castle and plays polo in his backyard. Also did I mention that he rides a horse like nobody’s bizzzz? Someone fan me. Unfortunately Lord Dickwad calls Chloe an American peasant and tells James to stop seeing her…It’s a good thing nothing can come in between their true love that was developed over the course of 3 days.
First Kiss: Moonlit cruise by Big Ben. #RichPeopleProbz
Worst Pickup Line: When Chloe said we’re going to make some alliances and James smoothly replies, “Let’s make one of our own, on the dance floor.” PUKE.
I don’t mean to alarm anyone but I did have a pretty serious incident this week where I was under the knife. I had my tongue sliced and stiched and therefore I’m basically bringing you the JUice this week while handicapped. I’ll take get well wishes in the form of Dunkin gift cards and appreciate you all keeping me in your #thoughtsandprayers.
1. New Fire Flametastic Music. CAN’T DRAG 1D DOWN. They lose a member, get in catty twitter fights and knock a “stylist” up but don’t say 1D goes quietly into the night. This song was released about a month ago when they were trying to convince everyone that all was well but they just dropped the music video where they’re a bunch of astronauts, NBD. Good song and even better flow for ya boy Harry…seriously, lettuce for days.
Nick Jonas also gifted us with Levels today and it already has the Cin stamp of approval. I was bumping it and noticed that she couldn’t help but bop her head as she was going through the mail. That’s just what Nick does…show his abs and crank out hits for all ages.
2. Bill Hader gets super stoned in Amsterdam with a bunch of famous comedians. You know what’s funny? People getting trashed. You know what’s funnier? Famous people who are paid to be hilarious getting trashed together and telling us about it. Bill does a killer Seth Rogen impression and then Vanessa Bayer shows up at the end sounding like I did when my mom used to pick me up from the bars at 4AM back in the day last weekend.
3. Julianne Hough is engaged while Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are this week’s celeb trip to D-town.
We continue our theme of where there is love there is loss. Julianne Hough and her hottie hockey boyf get engaged (no ring pics yet BOOOOOO) and Brian Austin Green/Megan Fox are the next victims of the summer of Divorce. To be completely honest with you, I was more devastated by the news that Donna and David were having trouble in paradise than I was for this divorce of actual humans and not fictional characters. But seriously, 90210 ends with Donna and David finally togets forevs, then they announce a reboot 90210 and tease the dream team coming back for a guest appearance so I dutifully watched a GARBAGE show for an entire season only to see Donna come back SANS David and announce they’re probably getting divorced. I apologize, I just got fired up again merely rehashing it for you. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES, DONNA AND DAVID FOREVER.
4. BaBaY New$. Jana Kramer got married like five minutes ago and now she’s preggeroni. This week she announced it will be a girl through an incredibly awksies gender reveal insta video.
Kelly Clarkson announced she’s having baby #2 accidentally after a case of the mid-concert sobsies. It’s cute because she wants to assure everyone she isn’t drunk or high she’s just pregnant and that’s why she can’t stop crying onstage. Watch 1:40 if you want to hear the announcement.
5. The She-Pratt had a casual crystal meth addiction at 14. I think I’m more shocked by the fact that anyone still keeps tabs on Stephanie Pratt rather than the fact that she apparently couldn’t get enough of the ice when she was barely a teen. It kind of all makes sense now. It’s the final piece of the missing puzzle. She once had a hamster when she was little but then she got all hopped up on the crank and bingo bango suddenly she has a guinea pig. The GREAT news is that you can read all about her childhood drug addiction in her memoir, because that’s what we were all missing in our lives.
Bonus: Cookie and Lucious battle it out Lyon style.
PRAISE Taraji doing Mary J Blige and MJB literally playing second fiddle to her onstage. That’s how you lip sync like a boss bitch. Credit where credit is due to Terrence for making the high notes of the greatest babymakin song of all time look real life. Clap it up for laying it all on the line just for round 1. More of this in Empire next season, pls.
The Tree Hill gang (well….Lucas, Haley and every minor character who ever appeared on the show) gathered once again recently in Wilmington for another OTH convention and it made me nostalgic. Mostly because the ghost of Keith showed up looking like this, un-ironically I’m assuming and I longed for the time when he was missing or dead.
Just kidding, I longed for the time when there would be a big moment on the show and I would immediately need to download the song that scored it. So I decided to make a second OTH mix, this one with less famous beats and a little more of the feels, so save it for a rainy day (I’m talking to you, Naley…WINK)
PS In case you’re having a hard time remembering who those characters are in the convention picture, I’ll just throw it out there that one of them MURDERED QUENTIN AND TRIED TO MURDER BROOKE. So glad he could make it in place of Q. NAHT.
The Mixed Tape- Jack’s Mannequin. The love of my life and piano extraordinaire Andrew McMahon was an important part of Tree Hill when he made the music video for this song starring Peyton in her infamously artsy room. The mixed tape also played over the basketball game where Lucas nails Chris Keller in the face with the ball mid-play. Win, win for everyone.
Sweet Silver Lining- Kate Voegele. Remembz season six when we all knew Lucas and Peyton weren’t coming back for season seven but instead of being gracious about it the writers threatened Peyton’s life every few episodes? Well this came after the first death scare and before the second at her quickie wedding to Lucas. Mia dedicated this song to her and was like “Hey Peyton, this is for you because you keep almost dying. Love ya, girl—enjoy 4 hours of marriage before you collapse.” I also saw Kate perform this live before the episode aired and she didn’t give out any spoilers, which is pretty selfish if you ask me.
Always Love- Nada Surf. Here’s an uplifting beat to distract you from the other kind of depressing ones on this mix (Peyton-nobody understands me-style.) Nada Surf just wants us all to be lovers, not fighters and it plays at the beginning of season three when Lucas and Haley are writing their senior year predictions. Even though Naley is on the outs for this one, the song gives us hope that my fave couple would stop being idiots and get back together. Haley writes out “Nathan and I will be together again,” and I’m guessing she didn’t think that would include an infant by graduation when she jotted that one down. After she hides it behind the brick, Nathan walks her to class with his hand on the small of her back and it gives me all the Naley tingles.
More Than Anyone- Gavin DeGraw. Speaking of Naley tingles, this is one of their anthems. Gav scores their first rain kiss after the big porno fight (so precious) and then at their 2nd wedding, as their first dance. I’m also going to assume Jimmy Jam was conceived to this song. Just a hunch.
Sing, Theresa Says-Greg Laswell. In season four we finally see Peyton and Lucas get together and because Peyton has eternally been such a dark cloud of death and stalkers, Lucas pretty much expects to always be saving her from somebody trying to kill her. Peyton tries to convince him that she’s so happy now that he loves her and is like omg music is so much better when we’re together then tries to impress Lucas by shazaaming this song. No seriously she shows off an app. Technology is ruining relationships.
War Sweater- Wakey!Wakey! Since everything is in extremes, Lucas and Peyton are either happy as clamz or in distress and this song represents the latter. The two get married right quick so their child isn’t born illegitimate and instead of some nice wedding night sex, Peyton gets the wedding night bleeds (not the pure kind) and almost dies NBD but KBD. This plays as she’s rushed to the hospital and the baby is born and everyone wah wahs about her waking up. What will your legacy be, Peyton? Will you almost eat it and then drive away from a town you’ve lived in your whole life without saying goodbye? Just wondering.
Missing You- Tyler Hilton. Couldn’t make a One Tree Hill mix without our favorite sexy villain Chris Keller. This is a nice remake that Chris did probably with the studio time that Dan Scott paid for and it played during another epic Naley rain scene in season 3 when they’re stressed about picking colleges away from each other. Seems like a conflict of interest to listen to Chris Keller while they’re smushing but whatever turns Haley on, right?
Here Comes a Regular- The Replacements. Back to the sappies, here’s the song that Ellie said was her favorite of all time because she saw it live at Woodstock (probz stoned) and coincidentally (not) it played while she slowly and sadly died amongst her records, only for her daughter to find her corpse. Doesn’t that leave you with the warm and fuzzies? Side and unrelated note, I’ve listened to this song roughly 100 times and for the life of me I still can’t figure out one lyric to it. I usually just sing along with inaudible sounds.
Middle of Nowhere- Hot Hot Heat. I went through a hardcore punk pop phase in my early teen years and therefore this song got a lot of play time.Fortunately for me, Peyton went through the same phase for all of One Tree Hill and it worked out really well for my iPod. Lucky for everyone else this song is fun punk and not everyone hates me and I want to die punk.
Times Like These (Acoustic)- Foo Fighters. Dave Grohl didn’t just make the hot musicians I want to bang list on Peyton’s closet door—he also got to complete one of the weirdest and most unrealistic moments of One Tree Hill. The gang graduates and MID-SPEECH, Haley’s like oopsie I just flooded the stage with my amniotic fluids before I even got the chance to grab my diploma! It’s times like going into labor at high school graduation you learn to live again, is what I hear. #Inspiration
Quicksand- Haley James Scott. Again, we can’t give kudos to One Tree Hill’s music without including their #1 Tutor Girl turned Pop Star. This is a later season gem (probably the only one…her music career PLUMMETS) from right after Lucas and Peyton PEACED up outta there. We come back for season 7 and Haley records this song with an interesting hat perched atop her wild red curly mane. I think the song’s supposed to reassure us that things will be fine without two of the main characters but I was more convinced that Haley had turned into a hippy who smelled like patchouli with the loss of her BFF.
23- Jimmy Eat World. This band was almost singlehandedly the soundtrack to One Tree Hill with the amount of songs that they played, some of them performed by the band themselves at Tric because obviously high schoolers can book Jimmy Eat World for a casual Friday night hang. I understand that this song is 7 minutes long and that’s asking a lot of our short attention span culture to listen to in full but I also would like to add that it’s a phenomenal song. AND it plays during the pivotal last moments of season 2 where Peyton has suddenly procured a coke addiction, Jake comes back mid-drug deal to tell her to knock it off and Haley (a married woman teenager) kisses Chris Keller and is like let’s go on tour together and leave my hot husband at home waiting with the delicious dinner he just cooked for me. Also Dan Scott is about to get BURNED. Literally. SO MUCH DRAMA all to the tune of this moody song.
Heartbeats- José González. This is a song for all the Leyton fans. The Ravens win the state championship, dreams have come true, confetti is falling and Lucas takes one glance at Peyton’s chicken legs as she awkwardly stares off into space with no one to talk to and he finally tells her, “It’s you, you’re the one I want next to me when all my dreams come true.” And they smooch among the celebrations, end scene. Except not end scene because rumor has it that some girl at the Return To Wilmington convention asked him to recite the line to her. So apparently he’ll just say it to anyone. Lucas is such an “It’s you” whore.
Be Yourself- Audioslave. Here’s another one of those famous montage songs that One Tree Hill likes to plop at the end of each season finale to sum everything up. Played at the end of season 2 we see Karen going to New Zealand for some summer lovin with Andy, Deb thinking about how she’s about to kill her husband, Nathan moving back home and Peyton just staring at her own art about people always leaving but also sometimes coming back. Does that bother anyone else? You can’t make a sweeping statement and then be like JK sometimes it ends up different just because your friend is sad.
Lavinia- The Veils. While we’re on the topic of Deb plotting to kill her husband…remember when Dan Scott was poisoned and set on fire? Of course you do because he became mayor JUST to find out who did it. Seems like a lot of work, but whatevs. This song is creepy and weird and I LOVE IT. It played over the big dumpster fire that was once Dan Scott Motors while D-Money’s lifeless body was trapped inside. That is, until Lucas decided to be a hero and pull him to safety. I thank Lucas for that because if he hadn’t, we would have never seen Dan say to a couple of hookers “Take a hike, bitches” in season four.
Sidewalks [Acoustic]- Story Of The Year. What a great angsty number this is. It also played while Peyton and Jake boned for the first time. Yaassss. Team Jake foreva. What a stud he was…and a GREAT teen father. Of course the Angel of Death had to screw that one up.
The Adventure- Angels & Airwaves. Here’s a feel good jam from the former singer of Blink 182 and just so that you’ll always have a happy memory associated with it, when Lucas quits bball because his heart can’t hang, Nathan dominates the Ravens and gets his mojo back for a hot winning streak at the end of season three. Direct quote from Nathan “Sex Machine” Scott, “You might wanna stay out of my way for a while.” He also throws down a slam-dunk then runs over to Haley mid-game and says she might want to bang him pre-wedding because he knows how sexy he looks. It’s safe to say that Haley promptly soaks her cheer uniform, because who wouldn’t?
Lesson Learned- Ray LaMontagne. We can’t always be on a high and that’s why we need to bring it back down with our soulful boy, Ray. He croons on about learning lessons in his raspy voice while Nathan most certainly learns the lesson to never borrow money from thugs again because his preggers wife just got hit by a car. Also Lucas probz learned the lesson to stop being so casj about his shitty heart as he collapses right next to Hales for a little BFF ambulance trip/extended stay. Shall we call this a lesson learned?
Ride- Cary Brothers. This song midas whale have been written about Peyton and her cool ass Comet. “The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning.” That’s a pretty powerful vintage whip right thurr. Lindsey pieces this all together at the altar, which is suuuupes embarrassing for her that it took that long for her to figure out that her fiancé was in love with someone else but anyway we get a nice little flashback to Lucas towing Peyton’s car and her being a real twat to him.
Boston- Augustana. It’s unfortunate that this song is named after the city I just aggressively moved out of but what’re you gonna do. I remember when it first came out I had just gotten back from Spain for a little study abroad stint at the ripe age of 15 and I felt it was cool and cultural to put my AIM away message as “I think I’ll get a lover and fly them out to Spain.” None of which applied to my life but because I had been to Spain I obviously felt like I had the right to use a lyric about lovers and being rich enough to fly them anywhere. Nathan and Haley were lovers who got to fly nowhere because on their way to the airport while this song was so adorably playing and they were glowing in anticipation of honeymoon sex they got rerouted when Nathan jumped into a river to save his hot Uncle Cooper from dying. Hope they got their money back for those tix to London because non-refundable flights can be a real bitch.
Thanks for putting your earphones in, Keith Scott Motors hood up, and taking this dribble over the Tree Hill memory bridge with me. It’s been a real hoot and now you have two full bangalicious OTH mixes to reflect with. So don’t say I never gave you anything.
The Salty Ju 