This past weekend was the Toronto International Film Festival and I was so moved by the celeb appearances (read: there’s not much else going on this week…blog-wise) I decided to collect the looks for a best and worst dressed. Kudos to the ladies because the good news is there were much more best looks than worst. This gives me much hope for awards season.
WORST:
This outfit is atrocious in all forms of the word.
I would be surprised if Dakota wore an outfit that didn’t make me want to upchuck fifty shades of vomit.
Drew coming up Granny on this one.
Cake topper Naomi Watts
WHAT HAPPENED. Did the seamstress sew togets a bunch of scraps?
BEST:
Starting out with the only male worthy of my list. Yum.
Sandy B bringing the bangs back!
My #2 girl crush looking like an angel goddess.
Who would’ve thought the littlest Olsen would end up the most normal? Speaking of, what’s Trent been up to…have they sold him yet?
It’s rare that Amber Heard isn’t wearing something edgy, she wears fairy princess well.
Spicy neon shoes.
A cute frock for Julianne.
Grow out the buzz cut and this would be top notch.
Naomi redeemed her earlier cupcake number.
Never in a million years thought Mischa Barton would look pulled together enough for a best dressed but it looks like time has healed her sloppiness. Well…almost, the dress looks gr8, hair could use a brush.
Imogen could double as a mime but she looks cute so whatevz.
Fall florals on Natalie Portman who clearly never ages.
1. JT & JFall are back togets. I begged and I pleaded and finally JT’s manager read the Salty Ju and was all ok let’s give the people what they want and so explains the reunion on The Tonight Show Wednesday night AS WELL AS causing a ruckus at the US Open. The bros are back in town and it’s like they’ve never left me. Kicked the celebration off with another History of Rap–capitalizing on my favorites Bone Thugz N Harmony and Remix to Ignition. Later, the three of us were giggling together doing awkward fist bumps and just reminiscing on ole times. Like when JT drank coffee out of a mug with Jimmy’s face on it. I couldn’t make it to that night’s slumber party, obviously. Then they whipped up a quick Fallon cocktail with Sauza ‘squila, naturally, plus a side of Justin’s over the top Fallon impression. JT judged a lip sync competition where Ellen joined in on the debauchery and lawls. And finally the boys went on a date to the US Open where they showed off their Single Ladies routine. Please feel free to watch or re-watch all parts below with a silly grin plastered to your face like I just did. Supes normz. I will say it over and over again until it finally happens, these two need to host an awards show together stat, including red carpet commentary. Let’s replace garbage with pure humor and boyish charm. I will draft a letter to Hollywood to request such immediately.
2. Another model baby arrived for the Deckers just in time for football season. Last weekend Jessie James Decker popped out another beautiful infant and proudly showed off baby Eric Thomas Decker to gently remind the world that her and hubby Eric Sr. are gorge (even pre and post a child murdering her vag) and they only produce attractive offspring.
3. Life Size 2 is a real thing according to Tyra “Kiss My Fat Ass” Banks.
Ty-Ty has revealed that Disney has been working on a sequel script for this trashcan movie starring her and Lindsay Lohan for far too long. They want to make it perf and are hoping for a Christmas 2016 release. Listen, I love “Be A Star” as much as the next Eve fan, but let’s stop being ridiculous with the sequels. What is going to happen in a movie made 15 years after the original? Is tomboy Casey going to bring her barbie doll come-to-life Eve to rush a sorority at college with her? Eve will get in because of her killer fashion sense and ability to spend the whole night dancing and Casey will probably be bullied by Delta Delta Sigma Betches. Did I just write the script for you, Disney? Mail me a check. (Seriously, I could use that cash.)
I say this, because there is absolutely no way that any of Ryan Phillippe’s genes ended up in their oldest child Ava. She is Reese 2.0 and it is giving me the scaries. Just a few more years and Ava & Reese will be hitting the bars and telling guys that they’re twins. Hopefully they’ll have their stories straight on what their shared birthday is, unlike my sister and I who tell strangers we’re twins whilst inebriated and then each say our own birthday when inevitably someone doubts us. Be better than us, Reese.
5. Timeflies Tayday.
This past Tuesday the boys of Timeflies tackled some Emmy-winning T.Swizzle and it would be wrong of me not to include the 1989 cover in my weekly roundup. (Especially since Taylor Part 1 was featured on my Top Notch Timeflies Tuesday blog) Feel free to get loose to it this weekend–I know I will as I move for the 100th time in the past three years.
Obviously I know nothing about high fashion or NYFW, but you bet your bottom dollar that when my girl LC announced her first collection to debut during fashion week, I was ALL over it. Since I highly doubt anyone else live-streamed the show in support of the ‘Guna babe (or to preview what items to purchase) I decided to recap it so that we can rank each look from worst to best. For anyone who doesn’t know LC’s style, the show was chock full of pastels, florals and braids. Sometimes it was whimsical and adorbises, and other times it was too much but overall I give her two thumbs up and all of the money in my savings account. Let’s see what she made!
This is so granny and shapeless, I just can’t. It is literally an old woman’s nightgown.
The shiny floral print on this crop coord look was far too 90’s for me and then adding in the oversized pink shades threw it over the edge.
Almost exactly the same look but in a strapless gown. It’s prom gone bad.
I can’t really explain why, but this reminded me of Brigitte from Passport to Paris. Maybe it’s the matching pastel coat/purse.
Embroidered velvet shorts…three words that should never be put together.
Flower power jumpsuit is not for me.
Kind of a weird combo..teacher on top, disco on the bottom?
Ah, the shimmery milkmaid. A must have for all those fall farm raves.
Hate the coat, but the dress could be ok without dusty pink fuzzies all up on it.
All this girl is missing is a stack of books and a banana seat bike with a bell on it.
I would have ranked this higher on the list if it wasn’t velvet, which gives me the itchies just looking at it.
I’m just not quite sure what’s going on with this. I think this is a top and leggings?
Leaning toward the granny side of town–not bad just not doing anything special.
Taking rompers into fall with a fur vest. I can dig it.
Not in love with the shimmery fringe but the outfit pulls together via pants and shoes.
LC laughs in the face of rules about white after labor day with her onslaught of whoutfits coming up.
Kind of odd see through white dress.
Middle fingers to the end of summer.
I would love this if the dress cut off at the knee and didn’t have a sheer bottom.
The back kind of ruined this for me.
Cool for the summer. (PS LC…not all of us live in sunny Cali–it’s about to be winter for 6 months here FYIzzle)
I feel like this could be a bridesmaid dress.
Front is fab, tail action in the back freaks me out a touch.
Because everything that was once trendy comes back, apparently I should’ve kept my duster from middle school.
Supes prettzzzz but probably not a dress for tall people like me unless everyone wants a show every time I move.
This is cool AF but I would never wear it. I don’t think a trip to the grocery store would deem a lace crop and hard flares.
A fan of both the color and the ombre.
Hearts for the fem lace jumpsuit but again not very practical.
The best whoutfit of the night.
This is badass princess right here. I’m going to wear tulle like I’m attending a grand ball but then BAM pair it with a crop top and motorcycle jacket. In YOUR FACE, FROZEN.
This outfit was CRUSHING until she spun around and I caught a glimpse of that baby backpack. Really? We’ll have to disregard because the look is very fashionable biz casj. Which is a relief because buying biz flare dress pants makes me want to strangle myself. They are flattering on NO ONE. End rant.
Perfect party dress!
Thirty, flirty and thriving. JK this is not a look for a 30 year old but that caption was cuter than “I LOooooOOOVE THIS.
Does this look kind of like some fancy jammies? Yeah. Do I care? No. Top three look right hurr. Daytime slumber party.
This lace romper is perfection and I will need it on my body with a side braid, STAT.
Snagging the number 1 spot for her designs in this show is this beauteous gown. Queen LC and her fairytale rule the roost.
And as if it would ever be a competition of who looked the best…. the top spot of the night goes to the designer herself looking like an angel sent straight from Laguna Beach.
LC popped out for a shy hello and a giggle toward her hottie hubs who sat in the first chair and grinned for the entire show. It was adorbsies. And of course her HS BFF’s were there to show their support…
Moral of the story is she’s all grown up now! No more digging out candle wicks or shedding tears as a result of Kelly the ogre Cutrone yelling at her. I’m just so proud. ANYWHO, if you want to shop any of the looks, you can purchase here because LC wants the poors to look fabulous as well. (To be clear, I’m referring to myself as a poor and I’m 100% ok with that. The first step is acceptance.)
Soak in the last few weeks of summer weather by kicking it back to 2013 where we were clearly in a heavy country phase. It’s fine though because it’s impossible to have the end of the summer scaries while singing about beer, cutoffs and tanlines.
Summer Jam- Jake Owen Ft. Florida Georgia Line. This song was made for summer palooza…plus there’s not a more flattering compliment than telling a chick that she’s sweeter than your sweet nanny’s lemonade.
It Goes Like This- Thomas Rhett. What a country doll Thomas is, writing songs to get girls. He obviously knows how to get tail.
Back Together- Jesse McCartney. We can all laugh it up reminiscing Jesse’s days in Dreamstreet or serenading us with Beautiful Soul but boy has GROWN UP. This was a comeback after he’d disappeared for a minute and it’s a real sassy number. Whiny kid from Summerland NO MORE!
That’s My Kinda Night- Luke Bryan. Luke does his best work when he throws down booty-shakin songs and this is one of his greatest. My kind of night is any one where I can see Luke switch his hat backward and swivel his hips, if anyone’s asking.
Brave- Sara Bareilles. Here’s an obligatory girl power song that also happened to sound almost exactly like a Katy Perry song except Katy can kick rocks because this one is way better. I just admitted that because I’m saying what I want to say…I’m being brave just like Sara told me to.
I Hope It Rains- Jana Kramer. I think this Jana song was pre-One Tree Hill in her Alex Dupre days so it’s not as saucy as when she was trying to steal Julian from Brooke Davis. Anyway, known to go down the aisle a time or two, Jana sings about an ex getting married and hoping his wedding day is ruined by a monsoon.
Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke Ft. Pharell. Hey remember when this song was the tits (literally…have you seen the video?) and then suddenly it got a lot of heat for promoting rape culture—oopsie! Either way it’s pretty catchy, sue me.
I Want Crazy- Hunter Hayes. Lil baby Hunter doesn’t want a vanilla relationship, he wants crazy love and I’m thinking maybe he should wait until he’s a little older and no longer has a curfew for such mature relationships. Has he even graduated high school yet? Anyway, I was really proud of the day I finally nailed these lyrics, it was right around the end of summer. I worked really hard.
Rebel Beat- Goo Goo Dolls. The Goo Goo Dolls went away for like a casual 10 years and got a whole lot older but when they came back they were better than ever. This song has a nice hipster vibe to it to show they aren’t stuck in the 90’s and it’s super fun.
Wasting All These Tears- Cassadee Pope. Cassadee’s a The Voice one hit wonder and this is a nice power ballad for post break up times or just like a really good car concert.
Whatever She’s Got- David Nail. This song was probably written about me cause guys are always in awe of my lethal combo of hotness and personality.
Best I Ever Had- Gavin DeGraw. Gavin went for a different sound with this one and it’s a real upbeat clapper, plus he shouts out a bunch of states in the middle of it randomly. He skips New York…I’ll have to forgive him for his obvious misstep.
Don’t Ya- Brett Eldredge. Brett’s first single before he was my future husband! Oh how far he’s come. Obviously it’s a banger because that’s all he releases.
Take Back the Night- Justin Timberlake. JT can do no wrong, even when he uses a slogan for rape victims as a song title. He simply tips his fedora and moonwalks away.
Round Here- Florida Georgia Line. FGL hit a hot streak with their first album and then they wore one too many barf.com vests in public and suddenly their songs weren’t as cool. This one covers all the basics though, fireball and dancing.
Gone, Gone, Gone- Phillip Phillips. What a beautiful love song from dubz Phil. What ever happened to him?
Counting Stars- OneRepublic. Ryan Tedder is always good for tunes, whether they’re his own or with others (cough cough I know places with Taylor Swift) and this one is no different.
Still Into You- Paramore. Sometimes I just like to remember the time when I thought I was punk rock because I watched the Ashlee Simpson show and Paramore always helps me do that. Girl changes her hair color to a different abrasive shade of red every 10 minutes but she knows angsty pop like nobody’s biz.
White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. He’s just so funny in his bright red shirt. Vanessa drops a HUGE clue in this one for any future suitors…just be funny and you’ve got a one way ticket into her pants.
1. America’s Sweetheart Sandy B is dating a silver fox.
It’s been reported that cute as a button Sandra Bullock is back on that dating grind years after that barf.com ex-husband of hers made her look terrible in the press via cheating scandal. The new man candy in Sandy’s life is photographer/model Bryan Randall. What you need to know about him is that he’s a silver fox and nothing else is important. Jk he has a daughter in college (yiiikes), is from Portland, Oregon and owns a successful photography company. I would like to congratulate two beautiful people on finding each other and hope that Hollywood doesn’t ruin their relashe. See–I can be nice when I want to!
2. TPain sang the hell out of Merica’s theme song. Ya boy T-Pain is sick and tired of everyone saying he uses auto-tune because his voice is garbage can quality. Nowadays he’s done with buyin you a drank and he’s all about showcasing his real voice in public. He also wanted to add that he used autotune to sound different…NOT BETTER. So everyone shut the hell up and listen to T-Pain’s patriotic melody give proof through the night that he doesn’t need autotune.
3. Read the room, Shonda Rhimes.
In THIRSTY efforts to bring attention back to Grey’s Anatomy after they aggressively killed off the most beloved, delicious, fictional doc of all time, Ellen Pompeo goes full nudey magazine day on the cover of the latest Entertainment Weekly. Hey Shonda, 99% of your viewers are females who like to sigh over McDreamy’s hair and have fantasies about being stuck with him in an elevator…looking at Dr. Meredith Grey’s lady lumps isn’t going to bring him BACK.
4. Rugrats might be coming back…again?
Nickelodeon is hopping aboard the nostalgia train and has announced they’re looking back at their old school cartoons and might be rebooting some as a publicity stunt for people who grew up on their shows. I think this is where we need to draw the line. I can’t see myself sitting in my PJ’s at 24 and lawling at a bunch of babies who can only talk to each other or Ren and Stimpy tell fart jokes. It would be much appreciated if Nick could nip this right in the bud and actually follow through with their promise to start airing MK&A original movies and TV shows. MAKE IT HAPPEN, NICK. One episode of So Little Time in May doesn’t COUNT!
5. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE QUEEN!
Celebrate this holy day with a little Love On Top because it’s impossible to listen to this song and be grumpy.
“Because our lives are garbage and it’s the world’s fault.”
I binged the first five episodes this past weekend and then felt so strongly about this show that I immediately drafted a blog (a little on the tipsy side) to tell you why it’s important to watch Hulu’s new original series Difficult People. I feel like it’s been a beat since I’ve gushed about a TV show and shoved a recommendation down your throat. So please feel free to view the trailer below to get ready for what might be a trainwreck of words beneath it.
Billy Eichner. Billy rose to fame just by shouting at people on a sidewalk and recording it. Please watch Billy on the Street clips or his bit from the Emmy’s below to know how great he is at being a jerk to strangers.
Julie Klausner. Julie used to write Housewives recaps on Vulture and basically inspired me to completely copy her on my own blog by doing Beverly Hills Housewives recaps because she was so funny. Please see below examples of her kind words about Kyle Richards & husband Mauricio:
“Kyle also struck a “silly” pose next to some of the more ribald mannequins because Kyle is a loathsome former child actor who will bark on her hind legs for the attention of a camera lens or a high-status pair of eyeballs. She is a shallow and childish monster, and I hope Brandi stops making nice to this ersatz wretch and her garbage husband tout de suite.”
“Shut up, Maurice, you Ooga Booga dumb-dumb mouth-breather. Take your shirt off and keep your lips zipped. My two cents.”
Amy Poehler produces it. Do you need to be further convinced that everything Amy does is entertaining?
Difficult People pokes fun at millennials in an exaggerated but well-written way. It’s kind of like Girls if the characters in Girls realized how stupid they were being. Julie & Billy are comedians trying to make it big in NYC and their bond is that they’re both pop culture obsessed judgmental people. Their snarky commentary on everyone around them is meant to make them look like assholes but they’re not unlikable characters because they’re self-aware assholes. They’re in on the joke that is our society right now, which leads me to my next point about the controversy of this show.
The Internet haters of Difficult People are outraged about the exact same stuff this show is making fun of and they don’t even know it. In the pilot episode, there’s a scene where Julie tweets that she can’t wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough for R. Kelly to piss on her. The joke is obviously over the top and making fun of how we idolize celebrity children before they’ve even done anything while at the same time reminding everyone how disgusting R Kelly is. In the episode Julie faces backlash on twitter and decides to delete it. In real life there was the same exact reaction TO A WRITTEN JOKE IN THE SHOW MAKING FUN OF INTERNET OUTRAGE. The show is making fun of how ridiculous people’s sensitive reactions are to everything and then they go ahead and prove it right. Watch Blue Ivy Clip Here Let’s all just hold hands, sing kumbaya and laugh at this show because it’s hilarious. Also shout out to the commenter who left this review on IMDB: “Obnoxious show about chatty egocentric gossip queens.” Nailed it…
BONUS: As most former SNL cast mates’ creations go, there are a fabulous amount of guest appearances including Fred Armisen, Kate McKinnon, Rachel Dratch, Martin Short, etc.
Best episode (so far): “The Children’s Menu”-Episode 5 where Julie and Billy open a restaurant for adults but with only kids menu food and realize they hate children. I’d like to put it on record that if a restaurant for adults called “The Children’s Menu” actually existed I would eat there at least once a week. CHICKEN NUGGETS 4 LYFE. Anyway, Billy and Julie publicly battle a 19-year-old entitled YouTube star and it’s can’t-miss TV.
When Tay gave us the Blank Space video, it was so over the top that it needed a full blog dedicated to her spectacle of outfit changes. Wildest Dreams deserves it’s own blog because of the perfection that is Scott Eastwood…and also how cocky it is for Taylor Swift to cast this hot piece of ass for a song about a love affair that the guy will never forget. What a minx. Let’s dive in.
In old timey Africa, Taylor is a dark haired raven. I’m not really into it HOWEVER it’s still better than her hair in the I knew you were trouble video.
Her hair may be blah but her cat eye, as always is perfection. I can’t decide if I’m more jelly of that or this…
This is her leading man and it literally baffles me that this is the son of crusty old Clint Eastwood. Until I google young Clint Eastwood and then WHOA. Mind blown.
Anyway, back to the main event:
We’re like 5 seconds into the video and they’re already playing tonsil hockey. The true reason why Tay cast Scott for this vid.
HER FOOT POPPED. IT WAS A FOOT-POPPING KISS.
Easily her best fashion moment in this video also what’s up, giraffe?
Cecil? Too soon? R.I.P
OH HEY scandalous sleeping with your co-star Tay!
This is getting good now.
Then it gets bad because Tay goes Blank Space on him for a beat. YIKES.
Scott uses his strong legs to kick a chair. A little bit of drool falls out of my mouth unexpectedly.
Quick recovery with a safari flying date. Taylor looks like she smells of mothballs. My nana used to wear that head scarf to Sunday services. Jus sayin.
Gonna need for them to never cover Scott’s face like this ever again.
Then he tosses her around like she weighs the same as a newborn baby. Muscles ❤
Tay admires her million dollar legs with Simba. (Wild animals make her go legs out apparently)
Then she’s basically naked. No seriously, did she think this outfit would slide under my radar? I see buttcheek.
More, more, more! What is this The Notebook? (I don’t hate it.) I bet she was like but what if we add a little rain? Wouldn’t that be cool? And then maybe I’ll just mount Scott right during a rainstorm.
But then the joke’s over because this was all in front of a green screen with some hideous costumes. Khaki trousers will never be flattering, folks.
Bad boy 4 lyfe Scott smokes inside and thinks about the next co-star he’s going to bang. (Spoiler alert: it’s me.) He’s so bad but he does it so well.
Suddenly this is a story about a girl named Lucky.
JK Scott’s actually married to a tramp and Taylor’s all remember when we mated amongst the zebras and lions?
The final shot. DAMNIT SCOTT, IT’S TOO LATE.
But actually, when does this full length feature film come out? BECAUSE I AM ALL IN.
Not to deter from the new hotness of loving wild animals but how exactly do music videos make proceeds? Just wondering.
Anyway, all around great video, Tay. Holding out hope there will be more of this in the feature:
We’re absolutely getting to the point where I’m too old for the VMA’s and nothing made that more clear than watching the pre-show with a shitload of people I didn’t even know. At least Sway is still around. As a very public Miley Cyrus h8er it pained me to watch a show where she was guaranteed so much screen and mic time. (Plus it created an outrageous number of “You don’t want to miss what Miley does next” teasers before EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK.) But what can I say, I recap for the people so here are your highs and lows of the VMA’s.
Lows:
-MILEY. From the several gag-inducing neon rave outfits (with nothing left to the imagination) to the amount of times she felt it was necessary to remind us she loves pot and the grand finale song about weed/performance that made me want to hurl things at the TV, everything about her as host was AWFUL.
-Macklemore AND RYAN LEWIS reenact their weird AF music video for new song Downtown that still makes my ears bleed out. (Also this gentleman with a ladies’ voice gives me nightmares.)
-Whatever this horrific excuse for a bit was–definitely didn’t offend anyone. Too soon, Rebel, too soon. I’m obviously referring to seeing her in hot pants.
-JBiebz HUUUUUGEEEE comeback sooooooked. He wore a trucker hat and headset like he was a member of N*SYNC but accented that with an oversized tee with leggings like I do when I have my period and I’m bloated, all black cause he has a lot of emotions. Speaking of emotions, he hysterically cries at the end of his garbage can performance, I’m assuming because he realized how terrible his voice is.
-Pharell revives Newsies.
-Kanye’s Video Vanguard speech is so Kanye. Taylor presents the award (for ratings) closing out her very scripted speech with a new version of “I’mma let you finish.” PLAY THIS OUT MORE, MTV. SERIOUSLY. IT’S ONLY BEEN 6 YEARS. Kanye takes the stage and allows everyone to worship him standing O style for a good 15 minutes. He soaks it in silently telling the audience that he’ll TELL THEM when they can stop applauding. Finally he gives their bleeding hands a break by saying “Bro, bro listen to the kids.” Now we’ll go into a segment where I highlight the few things I understood from this speech that went on all night as the uncomfies took over my life and ended with a presidential bid for 2020.
SPEECH HIGHLIGHTS:
-He addresses the audience as Bro or Bruh. If I closed my eyes it was almost as if I was hearing a presidential address from ABROham Lincoln. Chills.
-Yeezy thinks about the 2009 VMA’s when he’s having in-depth juice discussions at Whole Foods.
-Gets boo’ed at baseball games because of his inclination toward Hennessy in 2009.
-He probably regrets wearing a leather shirt more than he regrets ripping the mic out of Taylor’s dainty little hands.
-Thoroughly enjoyed JT’s album entitled “Future Love Sexy Back” AKA “Sexy Back album”
-He watched Justin Timberlake cry at the Grammy’s after losing for aforementioned made up album.
-Kanye pre-gamed this speech with some of Miley’s kush. JUST TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF…CHILL, BRUH.
-Any time he’s at a loss for words he shouts “listen to the kids” which seems like terrible advice since kids are really stupid. Then again…Kanye’s an adult. So–catch 22.
-He doesn’t understand how awards shows work.
-He is running for president in 2020. (CAN YOU IMAGINE KIM KARDASHIAN AS FIRST LADY THOUGH?)
-The Wildest Dreams video. Obviously. I see what you did there, Tay. You made this video just so you could mack all up on Scott Eastwood. Respect. (Full breakdown of video comin atcha, whether you want it or NAHT.)
-Opening peformance from Nicki Minaj where her RB curtz AND buhhole were politely covered by red feathers. My eyes thank you, Nicki. Tay shoots out of the stage with her infamous erect pageant arm in a matching red number for an over the top beef squashing. Tay sang Bad Blood for a second then they were like LAWLZ JK WE’RE FRIENDS! NO BAD BLOOD HERE!
-Kanye is really into smiling and Taylor Swift’s the SHIT out of audience dancing during “Can’t Feel My Face”. Grey Goose (Marijuana) got the girl feeling loose.
-Nicki wins—stands at the bottom of the steps until Rebel Wilson comes down to get her and then at the end of her acceptance speech decides to take her hoops off and ask Miley WHATS GOOD, BITCH. It’s a good thing Miley is on another stage because she absolutely poops herself and is like heh you know that was taken out of context Nicki, we good, right grrrlll? I get that this was all 100% scripted because Nicki laughed after it but I don’t care one bit because I now know that Miley can dish it but she can’t take it and I would watch Nicki curbstomp her ANY day. CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH GOOOOOOOO!
-Tori Kelly SLAY GIRL SLAY. She wears a skintight sparkly jumpsuit that gives me the tingles and lets that killer voice of hers roar on “Should’ve Been Us”. R.I.P to every other performance because this was the only one worth watching all night. Pure talent. Watch in full here
-Demi Lovato did “Cool for the Summer”, a song that I can take or leave but she looked FAB despite being surrounded by men in neon speedos. Iggy came for a quick rap and also looked gr8, then finished with Demi crowd surfing in an inflatable pool, cause summer.
-Tay wins video of the year for Bad Blood, pretends she knows anything about Straight Outta Compton but then gives us this beautiful quote, “We live in a world where boys can play princesses and girls can play soldiers” promptly followed by Miley’s nipple. That sums up the MTV VMA’s better than anything. Goodnight and good luck to our future as human beings.
Winners:
Best Pop Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift
Best Male Video-Uptown Funk Mark Ronson Ft. Bruno Mars
Best Hip Hop Video- Anaconda, Nicki Minaj
Best Female Video- Blank Space, Taylor Swift
Video with a Social Message- One Man Can Change the World, Big Sean, John Legend, Kanye West
Artist to Watch- Fetty Wap
Video of the Year- Bad Blood, Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar
The awards show that brought us Lady Gaga’s meat dress obviously is held in high regard in the fashion industry. JK this show is always a trainwreck and it’s difficult to find a best dressed anywhere near the VMA’s but I did my best…just like it took Miley all of five minutes to do her best to force my dinner back up my throat.
WORST:
The day that I put Nicki on a best dressed list will probably be when hell freezes over.
I don’t even know what to make of this outfit. It’s like pirate meets salsa dancer meets hooker.
WITCH!
Fringe splosion. Not a good look.
Jillian Michaels brings us back to 1993. Also we get it, you have abs.
Bad Blood squad not faring well on the Ju…Color and style of this dress are blah.
I don’t understand how Kelly did Fashion Police for so long and continued to dress like a dumpster.
C’mon Tay. Act like you’ve owned the VMA’s red carpet before. This outfit is blinding, the hair is too slicked and it looks like she can’t keep her eyes open with that cat eye overload.
The safari twins going for matchy matchy neutrals.
Too many aggressive styles at once on this jumpsuit.
Britney. We talked about this. Please cover yourself. It’s getting embarrassing.
Justin, your hair, WOOF.
Obviously. We can go ahead and book every look of the night for Miley under WORST.
BEST:
Elegantly slutty is what I call this look. Also John with the leather pants? DAMN.
GET OUT RIGHT NOW, it’s the end of baby JoJo.
One of my favorite looks of the night. Tori’s crushing the going out party shorts
I don’t think it’s possible for Gigi to look bad.
Summer’s not over yet with this hot pink!
This dress normally wouldn’t be for me but Demi is rocking it
Selena says I’m classy AF with the black gown but also I’m not wearing a bra with the nips peek.
Nothing weird here, keep up the good work Cara.
I can appreciate the hippie chic on Vanessa.
SIIICK Loutfit from Nicky J.
And for all the squad shippers…of course Tay did the red carpet with the Bad Blood crew:
1. Biebs is Back and wants to know what do you mean?
So the Biebster did his bad boy thing, then rehabbed his image with a very public and much too nice roast and then spent the past month hyping this single every 10 minutes on Instagram. The first few days of celebs joining in was cute, then when it was all I ever saw on the gram, it got annoying real quick and I declared that this song better be the second coming in music for it to ever live up to all of the obnoxiousness. Apparently his version of Best Song Ever is this and a lyric video with a skateboarding punk from an MTV reality show 10 years ago. No seriously. RYAN SHECKLER?! That’s who you went with for this much anticipated single drop? If you ever want to laugh uncontrollably, watch an old clip from Ry Ry’s show and listen to how terrible he is at narrating/reading from a script. It used to be one of my favorite pasttimes to talk in Ryan Sheckler voice to annoy everyone around me. “When I was little….MY mom….and MY dad….got divorced.” Anyway, I got sidetracked, the moral of the story is this song is lame.
2. J.Law and Amy Schumer piano dance. These two goofbombs are the newest BFF’s that everyone is spazzing over. Yeah they’re both cool hot blondes who act crazy and make us giggle but I don’t think it’s headlining news that they went on vacay together…what I do think is headlining news is that Billy Joel let them stomp all over his piano at last night’s concert. Good for you, Billy–keeping your cool factor at an all-time high. Here they are grooving around to Uptown Girl. They also are apparently writing a script for a movie that they play sisters in and obviously I will be first in line to see that–especially if it’s anything like Trainwreck cause that was a top notch flick.
3. VMA’s are this weekend. Instead of revving up with the uncomfies for what is sure to be a disgusting display from host, Miley–let’s instead look forward to gr8 talent and musical moments by watching this fab-tastic 2000’s medley from Tori Kelly who will be performing. Other announcements include Nicki Minaj opening the show again (hopefully with less buhholes, for my eyes’ sake) J.Biebs to perform his new single, Macklemore FT. RYAN LEWIS to perform their new single (which is really weird and makes my ears confused), and Kanye will receive the video vanguard award…for what exactly I’m not quite sure. And last but most, my girl Tay will be debuting the music video for Wildest Dreams which features zebras and Scott Eastwood (lick.) TUNE IN SUNDAY at 9!
4. Taylor Swift has famous friends. For the past few months that the 1989 tour has been happening, we’ve been reminded after each and every surprise guest that Taylor Swift is BFF’s with everyone but nothing prepared us for the mixed bag that her multiple nights in LA brought us. I guess there’s nothing quite like standing in front of a bunch of celebrities and just basically calling them up to the stage one by one to prove you’re all buds who party at each other’s mansions and stuff. (Clearly not jelly at all.) What I found REALLY RUDE was that she had the NERVE to bring JT back for his first post-baby performance after I just embarrassingly begged for that on this very blog. They sang one of my favorite songs and oh yeah I WASN’T THERE. #NOTFINEATALL (Peep any or all of the 1 billion pics and clips below to pretend like you were there…)
5. O-Town is the new 1D. This is not relevant or news but my friend Lindsey (via KardASHLEY) asked me if I had heard the new O-Town song and this one slipped right through the JUice apparently because it came out a while ago. I apologize for not being on top of this but I watched the music video–the song is outrageously good and the music video made me go ALL IN on Dan. Obviously Ashley Parker Angel was the real pretty boy of the group back in the day and when they released Sky Dive last year without him, I couldn’t fully get on board. But now…Ashley who? Dan get at me, bruh. This revelation comes hot on the heels of 1D announcing an upcoming hiatus that we all saw coming and I think we all know who can replace them…
The Salty Ju 