Empire- “My Bad Parts”

Battle

“I’m sorry this is not the Disney channel, we have no happy ending.”

We’ve only got one more episode of Empire before we have to go without Lucious creepily slurping on a lollipop for 3 whole months. (Seriously what’s with him ruining one of my favorite candies?)

luciouslolly

After their midseason finale they’re going away until March and it looks like the set up for some cray-cray cliffhanger is going really well. I’m lookin at you, Anika.

How old is Anika supposed to be? In her thirties? Either way, her pining after a teenager is getting real weird. Especially while said teenager is now pursuing a virgin. I actually laughed out loud when Laura was like hey let’s make this special because it’s my first time and Hakeem smoothly replies, “As in you follow me around like a little puppy after this?” Instead of coming to her senses she just giggles, accepts some diamonds (specially made) and allows Hakeem to check his phone during foreplay. Hold onto that V-card girls, because one day you could have moments as special as this. But before he can give her that sweet, sweet loving, Hakeem finds out Freda is after his name and calls him out for a rap battle with low blows such as, “I’m the son that your dad always wanted.” Let me surely not be the first to say that NO ONE should be fighting over Lucious as #1 D-A-D.

Hakeem gets all up on Periscope and is like listen bitches, I AIN’T PLAYIN and announces that rap battle shiz is on with Freda-the worst-Gatz. And I PRAY that she’s outed as the shitty rapper that I know she is. Although realistically if anyone ever boo’ed her off the stage she would just shoot them.

OR Freda could stab someone like Anika is considering as she holds a butcher’s knife in one hand and a positive pregnancy test in the other. Dum-Dum Anika boinked the son of her ex-boyfriend, got herself blacklisted from the music biz and is now carrying a child. YIKES, grl. I’m not saying she should be contemplating a wrist slashing, but she has reason to pretty much hate her life right now. Things start looking up for her when she runs into Rhonda and they get some bullshit align-your-chakra smoothies togets. Rhonda reveals that Lucious acts like he has a heart around babies and has been checking in her a lot recently. A light bulb goes off over Anika’s chic pixie cut and she’s like OH, REALLY?! Obviously wouldn’t be the first time ole Lucious has gotten the “I’m pregnant” bomb but probs would be the first time it’s actually his youngest son’s baby. This family is gross. Anyway, I assume that Anika will be doing a little paternity lying but apparently not because she amps up the crazy later on and throws us all for a loop.

Another shocker this episode, was how much I was loving on Hakeem. I mean he’s a real asshole usually, entitled AF and super slutty but his sassy comments lately have been on point. For instance, when he goes head to head with Laz, whose none to pleased about the impromptu rap battle that could bring negative press to the complete farce that is “Cookie’s Cookout.” I curse myself every time I have to type that name. Hakeem swiftly puts Laz in his place…underneath Cookie, obv. JK he shouts at him, “No you a punk ass promoter so go hang up some flyers.” ZING city, bruh. Laz doesn’t love Hakeem’s tone and gets a little slap-happy with him except NOBODY gets to smack Hakeem unless they’re named Cookie so she’s like get your hands off my G-D son. BUT THEY’RE STILL TOGETHER. UGH, Cookie. Girlfriend. Get rid of Laz right quick. You’re better than this.

Don’t worry; she’s still cheating on Laz with her son though, sneaking around his apt to produce a new song to present to Pepsi. Lurking in the shadows when Lucious drops by to show off a new beat that KILLS. At least this one is just instrumental and not a bunch of booms that make my ears fall off. Either way, Jamal can only bounce back and forth between mommy and daddy for so long producing this song so naturally he pulls a Parent Trap and gets both of them to show up at the studio and merge their beats. He’s like hey I know you’re both not going to get re-married on the QEII but maybe you could just make sweet, sweet music together. It ends in them screaming and Lucious referring to Jamal as “his” son as if HE carried that baby for 9 months and then let it stomp out his vagina. Nice try, you piglet. They settle the worst example of parents post-divorce ever by betting on their kids’ success. If Hakeem wins the battle, Cookie can produce Jamal’s album and vice versa.

It’s a good thing the kids are more mature than their parents in this scenario. We have a quick wah-wah moment from Hakeem when he sees Jamal and Cookie face timing and is like WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME, MOM?! Then threatens to out their sneakiness to Lucious before the parent trapping. Cookie calls her son a snitch bitch, as good moms do. But then the Lyon boys smarten up and get together for some Doritos and hot sauce with a side of wisdom. Hakeem tells Jamal to treat their dumbass parents like business partners and Jamal gives Hakeem some pointers for how to crush Freda in the rap battle. Not that he should need any pointers because when they show the rehearsal Freda’s rap is a literal checklist. Like she bubbles out gibberish then punctuates it with a manly shout of the word CHECK! Sick rap, Freda. I have less street cred than Elmo and I could freestyle better than this bid.

But before we get to that juicy rap battle, Jamal performs this highly-anticipated Cookie-Lucious combo deal and to add a little more pack to his punch he wears a floor length linen cardigan for the show, sassily flipping it up when the beat changes. He also kicks around a lot, which I think is Jamal’s way of integrating choreography. Safe to say he should stick behind a piano from here on out. He snags the Pepsi deal, announces BOTH parents will produce his album while Lucious barks, “WHO’S GREAT?” over and over again. A celebratory moment, indeed. Until those two fiery personalities are stuck in a studio togets, of course. Who will get the rights to wear a fedora? It would be preposterous for them to both rock hats, obviously.

cardi

Almost as preposterous as Lucious standing in the crowd at the rap battle looking like he’s trying way too hard to be a young thug in Freda’s crew. Lucious, please accept the fact that you’re a dad of three grown men and do a billion times less.

teamfreda

Hakeem starts it off and kills it, obviously. Freda fires back with threats of shooting him because she’s a hoodrat who resorts to violence. She goes for the easy YOUR MOM diss and blows him a kiss at the end of her verse. I will begrudgingly give her props for the knock about Jamal’s tendency to wear nightgowns because that 100% deserves to be made fun of. Jamal and his linen housecoats are really pushing it. But anyway, everyone oohs and ahhs (a little too much if you ask me, not that I’m a regular at rap battles) and Hakeem keeps his shit together. He’s growing up so fast. Instead of getting aggress, he takes Jamal’s advice and wins over the crowd. He amps up a little call and response, moves around, spits some sick violence-free rhymes and finishes with: CALL ME HAKEEM BULLET TO THE NAME LYON. MIC F’ING DROP, yo. Then he beats the shit out of “Lyon” in lights and announces he’s going all Prince. One name ya’ll. Hakeem.

Famsquad

Too bad the artist formerly known as Hakeem Lyon is about to be a dad. After Anika tricks us all into thinking she’s gonna pin it on Lucious, she seduces Hakeem and he’s like no touching pls, I’m in love now but we can still be homies. Anika doesn’t want to be just homies though, as we find out when Hakeem puts Laura in a car after the battle and is all be safe, boo and we see a sinister Anika driving the car, wearing a blonde wig. So it’s comforting to know that Anika is emotionally stable during this pregnancy. This is about to get Lifetime movie good and I’m going to kick back and lap that shit right up. I can only hope she does a little psycho warfare on virginal Laura. Maybe even bangs Hakeem in front of her? Jus sayin, this could go places.

Almost as exciting as a made for TV movie plot, we have a new character and it gets a real rise out of Cookie. Apparently she has more than one sister and Candace (Vivica A. Fox) strolls into town because their other sister is on a bender and peaced out on her kids. Rather than being pezzed at the boozy sis, Cookie channels her anger toward Candace who is apparently a bougie-ass bitch who married a white guy with lots of pocket change. Even Lucious is like yesssss, Candace is back, and pops a bag of popcorn. I look forward to their class vs. trash dynamic.

Drip Drops:

– That music streaming guy that Lucious & Mimi drugged last week asked for a lot more money and everyone told Lucious not to sign the deal so obviously he did. Mimi is certainly a trustworthy chick, gr8 idea, Loosh!

-Via dramatic flashback we learn that Lucious made up the last name Lyon because he once slept under a lion statue. Innovative.

-I’ve heard hair described as greasy, I’ve heard my dad call the roads in winter greasy (unfortunately) but Cookie’s use of the phrase is my new fave. When greeting her sis with “You talking slick outcha mouth, real greasy.” I almost peed a little. This will now be my new reaction to anyone speaking.

-THIS IS HOW YOU WEAR IT, KIM K… WITHOUT A BABY IN YOUR BELLY. laceensemble

Pop Culture, Uncategorized

BoooooOOOOoooooKs!

For some of you it might come as a surprise that I’m actually an avid reader. I like to keep everyone on their toes and show them that I’m a little more than reality TV and celebrity gossip. Just kitten, I mostly read the literary version of dirty rom-com trash BUT every once and a while (usually each summer) I buckle down and try on a new book that everyone is buzzing about. I mostly do this so that I always have a more respectable title to throw out when someone asks me what I’ve been reading than “Dirty Thoughts: A Mechanics of Love Novel.” As it turns out, my reading list from this summer/fall shined a spotlight on female authors, so I will be giving you a chick lit rundown of must-reads. Feel free to lower your expectations for highbrow reading, as there’s only so much you can expect from a girl whose only bookmarks look like this:

1. Girl on the Train- Paula Hawkins.

thegirlonthetrain

This was my one adult-level read this past summer and I immediately forced several people around me to read it so I could relive it through them. It’s a mystery told in several different perspectives to keep the plot twist hard to guess until the end. The main narrator, Rachel, is a sloppy alcoholic who becomes fascinated with a couple in a nice neighborhood that she watches from the train every day on her commute. Then the woman she watches from the train suddenly disappears and Rachel tries to involve herself in the investigation. This book is a page-turner but also made me want to punch the main character in the face. She’s a hot mess express and you often are not on her side, which makes you question every piece of information she’s giving you. Also fun fact: it will be made into a movie. FTR you’ll see me write that after almost every book I review, because Hollywood is unoriginal and authors rule the world. (Also pretty sure 50% of this list was picked up by Reese Witherspoon’s production company. LADIES R00L THE WORLD.)

2. Who Do You Love- Jennifer Wiener.

whodoyoulove

I learned about this book because Jennifer Wiener is actually a die-hard Bachelor(ette) fan and often live tweets things far funnier than I could ever write in my recaps. The good news is that she’s actually a very talented writer unlike those on the set of ABC’s moneymaker reality show. This is a classic love story about Rachel and Andy who meet by chance when they’re children and then how their lives intersect through out the years as they grow up and make terrible decisions and how they always seem to find their way back to each other. It’s kind of sad and also a lot poetic about how each choice we make in our lives have consequences and how to find the right path in the end. I honestly think that’s the smartest and least sarcastic sentence I’ve ever written on The Salty Ju.

3. Luckiest Girl Alive- Jessica Knoll.

luckiestgirlalive

In a post Gone Girl world, every author is itching to release the next crazy-ass female driven story. Welp, this is it. Obviously it was outright compared to Gone Girl, giving it a little more clout and intrigue, but this book might have been more F’ed up than Gone Girl. Sure, Amy Dunne was the biggest psycho on this earth, but the twist in this story actually gave me nightmares the night after I read it. I ripped through the first half of the book, refusing to put it down until I saw the creepy secret past, then had terrifying dreams influenced by it, then finished the book as soon as I woke up in the morning. So yes, it’s vividly disturbing, but also clearly it was written well if I read it in less than 12 hours. Ani is an editor at a top fashion magazine and about to marry a WASPy finance guy, so she’s basically living the dream except for the fact that her past keeps sneaking up to haunt her perfect life. *To be made into a movie, obv. Unfortunately, the pictures in my mind of this book were graphic enough, so I really don’t ever need to see them played out on the big screen, especially with our country’s current state of gun violence. (Baby spoiler)

4. Why Not Me- Mindy Kaling.

whynotme

For those who like a good series of funny stories and anecdotes from comedians, this is Mindy’s newest installment and just as good as her first (Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me-And Other Concerns.) If you’re not a fan of Mindy’s candid tone and tendency to talk like a high schooler, this book is not for you. The book includes stories about her dating life, her weird AF relationship with BJ Novak, what a typical day looks like for her (which I found fascinating as a TV junkie) and even the speech she gave at Harvard Law School. What’s cool about Mindy is that everyone fixates on her being Indian and not stick skinny and she addresses both in this book by saying hey assholes I’m being myself and we don’t need to draw attention to these factors every day.

5. The Royal We- Heather Cocks & Jessica Morgan.

theroyalwe

This was a book I’ve been hearing about since the beginning of summer but when I finally cracked it open a week or two ago, I was not expecting an anthology. Save this read for a long week’s vacation or possibly an excuse to stay away from your family during the holidays. Written by the creators of Go Fug Yourself, it’s an American spin on the fascination all us commoners have with the Royals. Bex is a twin from Iowa who decides to do a semester at Oxford and happens to live in the same dorm as the heir to the crown, you know, literally every American girl’s dream when they study abroad in England. The story, told in 5 parts from Bex’s perspective, tells their love story and dramas from the very beginning all the way to the royal wedding. It’s fun because Bex is a tomboy who loves baseball, drinking, and not washing her hair and she snags a hot prince. Also it is loosely based on Will & Kate’s love story, with a slutty royal brother that strikes many resemblances to Prince Harry. It was announced recently that this will be made into movie magic, of course and Lauren Graham & Mae Whitman have already signed on. For those of you who have experienced the cinematic magic that is The Duff, you’ll understand why Mae is the perfect actress for this character.

Bonus: Wallbanger- Alice Clayton.

wallbanger

I’m sneaking this one on the list…it’s neither new nor a classy read by any means (the cover gives that away…don’t read in public without a book sock.) However, it’s one of my favorite books of all time and I would feel wrong not including it on a list of glowing recommendations. Caroline moves into a new apt and her hottie neighbor Simon invites a new chick over every night to bang one out, which would be fine except that their bedrooms share a wall and therefore she’s hearing a lot of sex and not participating in any of it. They hate each other and exchange some words until their separate groups of friends end up hanging out and suddenly they’re all a squad and everyone starts pairing off. Told from Caroline’s point of view it’s hilarious and well-written with sneak peeks of sexy times, AKA a book about sex with an actual story (I’m looking at you 50 Shades…) Even better news if you love the first, there’s 2 more books in the series.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/09/15

1. Missy is bringing music videos back.

Missy was obviously always releasing bangers back in her heyday but she was also known for her extravagant videos with dancing and makeup and weird shit happening. Now that she’s officially BACK (and it’s about damn time because it’s been a century since she ripped the halftime show right out of Katy Perry’s claws) she is bringing the art of the music video back with her. This video had cartoon makeup, lifelike puppets, PhunkeeDucks, etc, etc. The Queen is back, betches.

2. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

Props to Alanis for being in on the joke that is “Ironic”. It’s like raaaaainnnnnnnn on your wedding day! Not anymore though, now it’s like they announce a new iphone the day after you buy it. That’s 1000x worse than a no smoking sign on your cigarette break. Jus sayin, the Apple FOMO is real. James is quickly becoming my favorite late night host to make an ass of himself in front of celebrities too. He crushed the end solo.

3. Sequels on Sequels. It’s like releasing the same movie with a “2” in the title, 10 years later. And isn’t it ironic? Sorry. That song is still in my head and also I find it annoying that sequels with this much time between the first and the second movie are still happening. First up is Finding Dory, aka Finding Nemo about Dory. Dory has short term memory loss and wants to find her family or something. Finding Nemo is 12 years old. Seems like this would’ve been a great idea like no more than 5 years after the first one was made so it was still fresh. But whatevs, I’m not in the movie biz so what do I know.

Next up is My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. Not going to lie, I 100% thought that the parents in this movie were dead now. They were old in the first movie (made 13 YEARS AGO) and if this trailer proves anything it’s that Hollywood people apparently live forever. That was a dumb sentence but I stand by it, and also I’m in a hurry to finish the JUice because I’m hungry. It’s been a whole five minutes since I’ve last eaten something. ANYWHO, everyone is older in this movie and there’s a new generation of Greeks that are embarrassed by their family. It’ll still be funny judging by this trailer and I’ll still watch it but like originality points are 0.0.

4. I love dem bad girls.

This was on last week’s SNL and it DIDN’T have Trump in it. Win, win. I’ve always been partial to these newer SNL skits with all the females acting ridiculous–the popular songs that they released about going home for the holidays were gold. Even though this isn’t their original song it’s still a perfect skit for anyone who can relate to being a pretend badass. For the record, I always ask for a water cup at Panera and then put water in it. They give you clear cups so THEY’LL KNOW IF YOU STEAL. I’m not a savage.

5. The Rock is the man and he knows it.

I was raised by and live with amazing and strong women, so the universe felt we needed one more… IT'S A BABY GIRL!! THANK YOU guys so much for the awesome support and love you've sent @laurenhashianofficial and myself from around the world. We're so grateful for this blessing and thrilled to share the news with y'all. #BringOnMoreEstrogenInOurHome #MeAndPuppyHobbsAreTheOnlyDudes #2xProudPapaBear #JustOverHereMakingBabiesAndStuff #AndPalmingPregnantBellys 🙏🏾👶🏾

A photo posted by therock (@therock) on Nov 10, 2015 at 9:12am PST

Apparently The Rock has a girlfriend and she’s real preggers. The hashtags say everything you need to know about The Rock. JUST OVER HERE MAKING BABIES AND STUFF! I imagine when his girlfriend broke the news that he upturned a table and shouted YEAH. ALL DAY. ALL DAY, BABY.

BONUS, another Hills wedding…

The most tolerable of Hills characters, the classiest of Teen Vogue, Whitney Port got married over the weekend and looked like a beaut. There were no stories about Hills cast members attending the wedding because she’s a real human who separated herself from the show and only appeared once in a while to look shocked and over-pronounce her “ing” words. Anyway, she looked cool, fun and trendy on her wedding day and I approve. I wonder if Lisa Love would though?

Still floating thanks to @bkevents !! Check out @usweekly on newsstands now for full spread! 📷: @hannah.costello 👗: @ashistudio @tacoriofficial @weddingpaperdivas @martini @lara_backmender

A photo posted by Whitney Port (@whitneyeveport) on Nov 11, 2015 at 11:45am PST

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Can’t Get Used to Losing You”

In the event that you forgot or are still in shock to remember, Jeff Fordham tumbled to his plot twist death a couple weeks ago. Something tells me his ghost won’t be slithering around Nashville for episodes to come unwelcome like Bev’s did. That something is his blooming TV career, but who am I to jump to conclusions? What comes as no shock to anyone is that Juliette doesn’t even know Jeff died, because her brain is drowning in booze and pills. So the assumption is made that he committed suicide, which is a poetic assumed death for someone who was such a narcissistic buhhole.

Not so fast though—don’t forget we have our little eyewitness who turns out may not be so reliable because Luke finds an empty bottle of liquor in Colt’s room. Really bruh, you made it through a party and up to your room without getting caught and you couldn’t just toss the bottle in the hallway trashcan? I remember my first beer. At least he knows how to lay on the guilt when he wails that he came to find his dad but HE WASN’T EVEN THERE! YEAH. WHERE WERE YOU LUKE?! Oopsie he was just porkin his image consultant who he fired for a few hours. Turns out her name is Gabrielle. Literally took me 5 episodes to learn it. Gabrielle listens to Colt’s confession and tells him to zip it until she can figure out how to spin this. (She was re-hired with the sunrise.) Also Jeff has a sister and she’s a real Twat with a capital T. Sis essentially tells Layla that she was just a mouth to Jeff and will not be invited to the funeral. Harsh.

As if we weren’t all reeling from the death of a character that no one really liked, Nashville was like LET’S UP THE ANTE and present to us, SCARLETT WITH A BUZZCUT. Her tangled and wild forest of a mane has quite literally been mowed off of her scalp. Caleb sees it for the first time and is like YIKES boner kill…or something nicer, I’m not sure because I was actually yelling when she debuted the worst dramatic TV haircut since Felicity. A TV show trying to save a terrible character with a haircut is laughable and I’ll take my time lawling about this one. I’ll let you guys know when I stop having giggle outbursts every time G.I. Jane is in a scene.

Even though nothing can be worse than Scarlett’s sudden impulse for a bald head, her chemistry with Caleb who’s already been around for far too long continues to be non-existent. As they grab a pre-tour dinner, Caleb’s toast is, “may The Exes future be as bright as your smile.” Scarlett responds by staring at her phone. These two are white hot. I don’t know how they’re not pawing each other right at the dinner table. Probably because they’re busy sleeping in each other’s presence since this relationship is the most boring thing to ever occur.

Gunnar is still trying to get over the fact that Scarlett is dating someone who makes her underwear drier than the Sahara and keeps casually sleeping with Erin the roadie. Then light bulb! Gunnar’s like hey you should come on tour and work for me. Not a big thang at all. No really, this story line will never be a big thing. It’s obviously a terrible decision for these two to work together and yet Gunnar agrees to it after he tries to whine about it to Will and is sternly told that everyone in America has bigger problems than this so kindly STFU.

Will and Avery become besties because they’re both sad about being dumped. What does one do when they have a case of the sadsies? Harmonize, obviously. Avery has an ugly cry one night thinking about what might have been with Juliette and right on cue Cadence is like Hey is someone crying and they didn’t invite me…how rude! And her screeches fill my ears once again. I almost got tricked too when she cracked a smile earlier in the episode. That little tease. Anyway, Will and Avery stand over her crib with goofy dad smiles and sing about her peeing in the pool. And she’s like that’ll do it, goodnight. Let’s resume my ear shattering shrieks in the morning, boys. At least that’s what I assume little miss shouts-a-lot is thinking as she decimates everyone’s eardrums.

While pretty much everyone is unaffected by Jeff’s death with most reactions spanning from “oh” to “really?” to “yeah that’s too bad”, Layla is destroyed. It doesn’t really help that their relationship was a secret and everyone’s like who dis when she tries to talk about how much they loved each other. I actually liked Will for a second when he is there to comfort Layla, and stay up all night to unpack her apt (which was packed to move in with Jeff.) What a sweetie he is when he’s caring about other people’s problems.

Juliette is the opposite of a sweetie when she tells Layla that she’s torn up about Jeff’s death because she has to get a new manager. She also aggressively tells Layla to forget about Jeff and get the F over his death already. This of course is right before she takes the stage for a tribute and says, “Jeff was my manager, he will be missed.” Damn, that’s deep. She really dug down for these sentiments. While she was digging around for emotions she happened to stumble upon the brown-out of her trip to the roof and Jeff actually saving her life. She finally asks for help and Layla takes the stage for a proper goodbye to Jeff, a yodeling song about their love. Does it make anyone else feel terrible that Layla’s entire existence is pitiful? If they don’t throw her character a bone soon they midas whale just kill her off too so at least she can reunite with her heart, Jeff. I mean girl went from marrying a gay guy and having a shitty reality show to being attacked by the press, drugged and left for dead in a pool, looked over by like every music label, underappreciated on Highway 65, in a secret relationship with her manager who was JUST about to go public with her and move in AAAAAND he’s dead. But for the GRAND finale—she thinks her boyfriend committed suicide. And she probably won’t ever know because Gabbers (formerly known as Luke’s bang buddy) checks Juliette into rehab and they sweep sweep sweep the truth of Jeff’s death under that giant Nashville rug o’ secrets. At this point killing Layla off would be a blessing; maybe everyone would appreciate her more after she’s gone, like Michael Jackson. I bet her record sales would skyrocket…she could do a concert in hologram. I’m just saying, only way to go is up, I guess?

Empire, Television

Empire- “True Love Never”

“You can’t see that cause you blinded by the ass”- Cookie

WHAT a scandalous start to last night’s episode. Unfortunately we can’t enjoy the steamy soap opera sex scenes set to Selena’s bone worthy jam because we know what the inevitable outcome is for Cookie and Laz. Cookie is still none the wiser to Laz’s gang connects and spends roughly 3 days in his bed doin thangs. At one point Porsha delivers food to their sex jungle while they’re both naked, and all I can think is that this bitch is certainly not being paid enough for the verbal abuse and dirt tasks she’s given. Anyway, it turns out Laz’s “promoter” job is a whole cover so he can get his grubby hands on Cookie’s Dynasty money.

While Laz works on conquering her vagina and her business at the same damn time, Lucious is going through some things—and I’m actually not referring to under aged women for once. This new boom boom bang bang jam with Freda is stirring up some flashbacks to his unstable childhood. Everyone who tells him this episode that his music just isn’t there or his lyrics don’t have any substance just further send him spiraling down the memory hole and instead of just facing his emotions for the song, he acts like a bigger dick. Cause that’s how Lucious do.

Since he’s all caught up in trying to suppress his those weird things called feelings, he doesn’t noticed that his #2 prized musician (#1 is obv Freda) is sneaking around with Cookie to produce a new song. It starts with a little texty text of audio clips where Cookie responds “flip the perspective” and Jamal knows exactly what that means and suddenly the song sounds exactly the same but is SO MUCH BETTER. Whatever, I don’t question Cookie. She’s a mogul. But that was bullshit.

What ISN’T bullshit is Porsha. I know that I just mentioned she should be paid more but what I realized soon after is that she should be in the show more. Girl had like 4 lines in last night’s episode and she killed it. Cookie gets all spiffed up to go out—not with Laz—and asks for Porsha’s opinion of her front AND her back. This allows for Porsha to go OFF with sassy comments including, “Word up, Cook. Yaas my boss is a PIMP.” And I beg of Empire…more Porsha, pls.

Other than my Porsha praise, let’s focus on the fact that Cookie appeared to be getting extra dressed up and in need of advice on how she looked for a date with….HER SON. This makes me feel icky and I don’t like it because Lucious is the creepy parent, and there’s only room for one of those in the Lyon fam. Since we’re on the topic of things that I’m not loving, Cookie’s micro bangs that have been far too frequent this season have GOT TO GO. They are atrocious. Sorry, I got sidetracked with pure disdain for her bangs wig, but not distracted enough to see Cookie sharing an ear bud with Jamal at a restaurant, like a modern-day spaghetti slurp from Lady & the Tramp. Jamal is obviously the Tramp in this scenario. They even snake over to Lyon Dynasty to lay down the track and have to hide from Hakeem the next morning, walk of shame style.

Across the Lyon family line, Lucious continues to ignore every piece of business advice from Andre and sends him back to bang a city official to erase more legal troubles for Freda. I had completely forgotten that this used to be Andre’s thang before he found his lord & savior. Since cheating on your pregnant wife is kind of frowned upon in the bible, Andre seeks advice from his priest on how to handle it. Turns out blackmail is TOTES ok with baby J, so Andre uses a sex tape to threaten his government boo to clear Freda’s gang injunction then goes straight home to Rhonda to talk about praying. Just kitten, he finally lays it on her and she’s like my prayers have been answered. Turns out Rhonda has been REALLY hurtin for it.

Oh hey, remember how baby doe Laura told Hakeem that she didn’t want to hook up with him and he was like that’s cool we’ll be all business? Yeah that lasted like 5 minutes. At the teaser for Cookie’s latest idea inspired by her sex-cation with Laz, entitled “Cookie’s Cookout”, getting the D rreeeallllyyy makes her a creative genius. That name is SO innovative. Anywho, some hip-hop bloggers come to see the three ho’s perform a new song about mimosas in some sassy fringe dresses. The song is pretty much Grammy-worthy with one lyric being, “All dem girls in their yoga pants.” It’s like Mirage A Trois is the voice of our generation or something. Mimosas and yoga pants, cause that’s what a basic betch does. More buzzworthy than a cookout thrown by Cookie or a power struggle ass bump mid-song between Laura and Carmen…is obviously Cookie’s attire. She’s wearing a pair of sparkly boyfriend jeans that I never knew I needed.

Since Laura clearly doesn’t know how to be top hoe, Tiana gives her lessons on how to be sexier while Hakeem watches with his mouth agape. All part of her sexifying/star-making process, Hakeem brings Laura out to perform on the streets. She sings in Spanish, draws a crowd and definitely no suspicions as Hakeem stands directly in front of her with hood up, sunglasses on like a prowler. Laura decides right then that she must have this Unabomber and smooches him thus erasing her firm stance on no hooking up. Claps for holding out for SO long, grl. Her lessons clearly worked, because later when Mirage performs their new hit again (that sounds like it’s plagiarized from Trey Songz) Laura booty checks Carmen. TAKE THAT, CARMEN. Laura’s got balls of steel now, obv.

Kinda like Cookie who sets up a meeting with the nice neighborhood boys who kidnapped her son in attempts to extort her for money. Except now she’s handing the cash over freely because she thinks they work with Laz and are securing her a venue for Cookie’s Cookout. Hakeem smells the poop in this deal and although he agrees to it, he also tells Cookie that he doesn’t trust pretty boy. Sniff it out Hakeem before your mom gets F’ed, in more ways than one.

Aandd then a lot of sketchy shit goes down with Lucious that gave me all the uncomfies. First of all, lezzy Mimi is back to be shady. She suggests Lucious partner with a creator of a streaming service who Lucious meets with, KO’s, and then visits him in the hospital and coerces him to draw up a contract while Mimi dopes him up for compliance. Totes legit business. Then Mimi and Lucious get hammered and close the deal with a celebratory threesome that gets real weird, real quick. There’s tears, a secret phone call and guns. What threesome doesn’t end like this, amirite?! JK, Lucious is inspired by his lady friend’s gun tat to take his mom’s favorite Russian roulette instrument into the studio and finish boom boom…which by the way WE HEAR NO LESS THAN 4 TIMES IN THIS EPISODE. After the first play I swore I would chop my ears off if I heard it again. This song is terrible and it kills me that someone can repeat boom boom and bang bang and BAM you got yourself a track. To be clear Bam is not included in the song. Just boom and bang. And by the end of the episode with Lucious’ epiphany we’ve got some live gun sounds and a full transformation into DMX. No seriously, he yells so much I expected him to bark and yell UH UH, X GONN GIVE IT TO YA. But alas, he just finishes a hit that I’m guessing we haven’t heard the end of.

Drip Drops:

What is it with Lucious standing in on a recording and tossing around spirit fingers? What producer contribution is this?
Jamal finally performs his newest Cookie-touched song in earth tones and a fedora…Ne-Yo wore one last week, Lucious rocked one in the studio. This show is really putting JT circa 2002 back on the map and I’m not sure that I support the return of the fedora. Maybe just special occasions? Multiple fedoras per episode feels like a lot. Find your balance, Empire.
Cookie tongue-ing Laz while wearing a gemstone ring literally the size of her entire hand gave me delicious visions of her finding out the truth and using that rock to destroy his pretty ass face. Fingers crossed for a beating by glamorous jewels.
This totally wasn’t creepy or anything:

👅👄 #Empire pic.twitter.com/XkdWvDAnWc

— Empire (@EmpireFOX) November 12, 2015

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/2/15

1. Ohhhhhhh, ah, ahhhhhhhhh this is ALLL THATTT, this is ALLLL THAAATTT. The OG cast of ALL THAT! reunited recently at Comikaze and I didn’t recognize anyone but Laurie Beth Denberg and Kel soooo yiiikkkeessss. But they were really excited to be famous again for a hot second and they all sang the entire theme song, originally done by TLC of course. Some of them also made an appearance at Comicon in October to throw it back to their famous characters and tell stories from back in the day so it will only be a matter of time until someone ships an All That official reunion or revival. One person we know won’t be joining in is Amanda Bynes, for obvious reasons. Also it’s been 20 years since the premiere of All That so bye, I’m ancient. I sincerely hope that piece of JUice was vital information for your every day life.

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Super Awesome Day at #Comikaze15 at the #AllThat Reunion!! It was great meeting all of the Fans!! S/O out to Regina, Stan Lee and the #comikaze15 staff you guys are awesome!!

A post shared by Kel Mitchell 💯 (@iamkelmitchell) on Nov 1, 2015 at 9:38pm PST

2. Say Hello To Your Friends…Babysitters Club.

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THANK YOU @drafthouse for last night. SUCH a special evening for us all! #bscreunion #bsc20yearslater #babysittersgrowup #girlienight

A post shared by Schuyler Fisk (@schuylerfisk) on Nov 4, 2015 at 3:57pm PST

I feel like there will never be a week where I don’t include 90’s reunions because it’s all the rage these days. Sarry not sarry bout it that the 90s were the shit. Your favorite kid-loving, business-minded girlies reunited in Austin, TX this week. Why? Oh, cause it’s also their 20th anniversary….woo00oooff. They all cuddled around each other and reminisced on the days when they spent a whole summer playing with snot-nosed kids. Who would ever choose that. But anyway, noticeably missing was Claudia–did they freeze her out because she almost didn’t pass that science test? (The brain, the brain, the center of the chain.) The girls are seen cozying up to Cokie Mason, so I guess they settled their differences with her. More importantly what does Logan look like now? Is he still a dreamboat. So many questions, most will never be answered. Oh, awkward, I guess one of my questions was just answered by the below tweet. HOW DO YOU LOSE A HUMAN?

The Babysitter's Club Screening/Reunion is a go but we can't find Tricia Joe AKA Claudia Please help us! #FindClaudia

— Rachael Leigh Cook (@RachaelLCook) October 31, 2015

It's on! #BSCreunion pic.twitter.com/F3FG7TzYpz

— Rachael Leigh Cook (@RachaelLCook) November 3, 2015

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this. is. the. best. here we come #drafthouse #bscreunion

A post shared by Schuyler Fisk (@schuylerfisk) on Nov 3, 2015 at 4:42pm PST

3. Jason Derulo is on even when he’s hungover.

Leave it to Jason to be clubbin it up until 6am and still be on fire with energy and charisma the next day. James Corden takes singers out for carpool karaoke every once in a while and it’s pretty much always hilarious but it’s not a secret that I have a monster crush on Jason Derulo and if you also do, then this 10 minute video is must-see-TV. When I’m in my car alone I like to refer to it as a concert and you better believe I’m hitting every high note. When someone else joins me in the car I immediately tone it down to whisper singing obviously because they haven’t paid the proper admission for my angel octaves. The fact that James Corden is driving with the actual singer of the music he’s listening to and he’s not holding back is awesome. No shame. Except for maybe those orthopedic sneaks he’s rocking during the dance scene.

4. Good news for your whiny emotional 13 year old self.

Good Charlotte is making a comeback. It’s possible that you might be thinking they have a more mature sound now that they’re both married adults, one with two children. Nope they sound exactly the same as the two whiny bitches who sang about murdering a girl’s boyfriend so they could be together. If you ever went through an emo punk rock phase in middle or high school you will rejoice in their new song. Here’s a peep at the chorus: “Like I’m dying tonight and the whole world is laughing, like everyone I love has gone away.” It’s such a shame that AIM doesn’t exist anymore because that would be a perfect away message for a rainy day…ending of course in LIFE’S A BITCH AND THEN YOU DIE. If you’re feeling like you might be a little too old and more emotionally well-adjusted with life to join Good Charlotte on their second musical journey, feel free to look back on the top angsty hits of your past years with my killer playlist here!

5. RHOBH New Season is Upon Us.

And the most interesting part about this trailer is Gigi Hadid & Joe Jonas canoodling. No. Seriously. Not even Andrea Bocelli announced in YoYo’s fabulous accent could distract from the 1 second of teenage superstar interaction. Since everyone wanted to murder Brandi and her only ally on the show went back into rehab, we are down two characters which means of course that we will have two separate staged “hey thanks for coming over everyone, I want you to meet my friend blah blah blah, I think she will get along great in our group.” One would think after so many different cities and season of the Housewives franchise, Andy would have found a better way to assimilate new cast members into the group they’re being paid to hang out with on camera, but whateva. I will be recapping until I want to stab my eyes out. At least I still have my girl Yo to keep me sane.

BONUS: Becky & Jesse are forever the cool aunt & uncle.

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"If you were a chick, who's the one guy you would sleep with..?" @loriloughlin #stepbrothers

A post shared by John Stamos (@johnstamos) on Nov 5, 2015 at 1:16pm PST

Empire, Television

Empire- “A High Hope for a Low Heaven”

I’m gonna be honest and say that I was only half watching this week’s episode because it seemed like they were lacking in tasty drama and snappy comebacks in favor of a lot of warped looks at Hakeem’s sweaty face…but the last few minutes actually had me saying OH SHITTT and that was worth waiting for.

Even though we had a week in between for the World Series to forget, we’re quickly reminded that Hakeem and his six pack were kidnapped by the neighborhood razor gang and also fun fact that seemed REAL out of place is the nice ab transition we got to Becky’s place where she’s apparently banging one of the rappers at Empire. I care about this .3% so that’s how much time we’re going to spend on it. I actually had to ask my sister what Becky’s name was to type that sentence.

Anyway, Jamal is in the studio crooning soulful musings while Lucious accompanies the piano without a pair of snazzy shades. It was jarring. Who is this mellow, piano-playing Lucious? Jamal stops short because he can’t get Michael with “his thing out” on his balcony off his mind. Lucious quickly swings back to normal and is like please don’t share any deets with me, thank you, just channel your heartbreak into the song. Only the song is interrupted again by Cookie barging in to accuse Lucious of having their son kidnapped. What a picture perfect family.

While Lucious is telling Cookie that this time he wasn’t involved in the illegal activity, Jamal sees the gang all has matching longhorns tattoos and instead of locking that away for a nice mental clue, he immediately shouts, “What ya’ll a bunch of punk-ass cowboys?!” and is popped unconscious. But here’s where things don’t add up. His parents band together to search for him but Hakeem is already wandering the streets with an eyeball that’s seen better days and making out with Anika—who was just crying to her mom about how her life sucks, lolz. Hey Anika, sexing a teenager isn’t going to help matters. To be clear, Anika was his first stop, and then he went home and let everyone know he was okay. Makes sense. He then spends the majority of the episode sweating buckets and having a case of tunnel vision, so you could say he’s doing really well after the ‘nappin.

Cookie meets with Laz; our spicy new security/promoter/it doesn’t matter because he’s here to boink Cookie. They smooch while having a meeting about strategizing with the thugs who are going to keep bullying Lyon Dynasty until they pay up. Except the kiss is lame and Cookie doesn’t really seem convinced on this one.

After a convo that I didn’t really listen to because I was waiting for them to get together intimately, I guess it’s agreed upon that Cookie pay off the gang. She rolls up with her sweatiest child who suddenly pulls a glock on the group unplanned and Cookie has to talk him down to hand over the weapon, so that SHE can point the gun at thug #1 and tell him in her best street Cookie voice that if any of them come near her family again they “won’t even hear the knock at the door.” YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. COOKIE GON DROP YOU. KNOCK, KNOCK…Who’s there?…BULLETS. Sorry, you know how gangster Cookie gets me going.

While we’re on the topic of gun violence, the rapper I despise the most on this show, Freda, gets onstage and starts spitting about cocking guns and shooting bitches in the neck, you know low-key stuff. Someone from the crowd heckles her and instead of continuing on about how she’ll kill anyone who doesn’t know her name she drop kicks him and makes herself a straight up liability for Empire.

What’s an even bigger liability for Empire are Hakeem & the 3 Latinas. Their real name is stupid and I refuse to address it. They’re about to debut a fire flames song and they absolutely can’t mess it up, which Lucious knows so he tries to get in Hakeem’s head before the performance. He stops by with a new track for Hakeem, no strings attached. The best part about this is Lucious introduces the song like it’ll blow our ears off and then it consists of the words “bang, bang” and “boom, boom.” EARTH-SHATTERING beat. Hakeem says nah, there’s a Lyon family fight backstage where Lucious utters his infamous MAN UP and SACK UP a bunch. Apparently Hakeem isn’t a man until he does some time for shooting up a joint. Sounds about right for Lucious logic. His brothers try to comfort him before he hits the stage but it doesn’t stop him from freezing when he sees Lucious’ smug look in the audience. New boo to the rescue though, Laura serenades him about trigger fingers (lotta gun talk this epi…let’s chill on that next time around) and Hakeem suddenly finds his swagger again. The girl group burns the house down and I obviously will be downloading their lady jam.

As they all celebrate at the after party and you can tell Laura has changed her mind about being Hakeem’s bae, Anika shows up only to be rejected again. When will she learn with this family? Hakeem’s like I’m all good now thanks and pushes her out the door. Lucious plays boom boom for Freda and she gives him the reaction he was looking for with Hakeem, free styling over the beat and making me hate her more now that she expressed love for this stupid song.

And for our grand finale…Cookie shows up at Laz’s house and wants him to lay it on her until she forgets about her shitty week. But what’s that? OH SHIT. His shirt comes off and he too has a longhorns tat to match the gangsters. HE JUST GOT THE KEYS TO THE LYON DYNASTY VIA COOKIE’S VAGINA…and there’s no telling what’s going to happen next.

Drip-Drops:

– Andre convincing Becky’s man friend rapper to work some scripture into his rhymes was top-notch stuff. We’ve got Freda going bang bang and Poppa reciting psalms. Who said Empire had no diversity?

-Jamal is sad about Staples Center passing on him because he’s being marketed as gay. He’d like to keep that on the DL now apparently, and brings in a gay guy named Jameson to help with his image…except Jameson and Lucious hate each other’s guts. This seemed irrelevant in this episode but might come into play more later, so it’s worth mentioning.

-Porsha looking like a unicorn in this scene with her pastel hair popping out like a horn. Don’t eva change, Porsha.

-“Bitch I said are we clear? Welcome to my streets, bitch.”-Cookie

Television

CMA Awards 2015 Recap

Welcome to “Country music’s biggest night,” this month.

Cause nothing gets me ready for the impending 9 months of winter quite like watching performances of my favorite country songs about boozin’ in the summer. Looking past that fact though I think everyone in America can agree that we can divide last night’s awards show into two categories: BJT & AJT. Before JT and After JT. Also note to future country singers hoping to sweep the awards: bring your buddy Justin Timberlake. But more on that below…here are the hits and misses of the night’s bits, performances & audience reactions.

No, Thank You:

-Hey, I get that Star Wars is making a hot comeback this year but did we need to start shoving it down America’s throats like 5 months early? I’m out on Star Wars. So as you can imagine, the opening bit with Brad as Guitar Solo, Carrie as Carrie Fisher and Garth Vader turned Luke Vader didn’t do it for me.

-Obviously fresh on everyone’s brains (because we’re reminded of it every five minutes) is the Blake/Miranda divorce and it needed to be addressed. Unfortunately, Carrie & Brad started with “the breakup we can’t ignore” and then tossed it over to Miss Piggy and Kermit. I’m actually more fired up about the Muppets taking over than I am with Star Wars. Enough with the puppet publicity.

-Related to my last point but not a part of the show, Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani waited until right when the show was beginning to have their reps officially announce they’re a couple, making it red carpet fodder. DOUCHE move. Seriously, #TeamMiranda all the way.

-William Shatner got drunk (I assume) came onstage in a storm trooper costume and shat all over the joint.

-Zac Brown Band sang off key a whole lot.

-Brett Eldredge never performed and yet he has a brand new album…how does this add up CMA?! HOW?!

-Carrie performed “Smoke Break” looking like a smoke, obv.

-Every year they throw pop acts into the mix and hope for musical magic and every year there’s duets that crash and burn.(Wink.) This year was Fallout Boy with Thomas Rhett. They did “Crash & Burn” first followed by “Uma Thurman” where essentially both of them held back their natural style of singing while red-lipped body suit ho’s gyrated around them. It was inspiring.

– Luke Bryan performs a slow number without his backwards hat. WHY EVEN PERFORM? #DesertSandstormUndies

-Miranda rocks the shit out of her performance of “Bathroom Sink” and ABC acts supes mature and doesn’t once give us a reaction shot from Blake. BOOOOO. I want to see the regret in his eyes.

-I was forced to eat all the nice words I gave Kacey for her red carpet look when she did too much outfit and special effects-wise for her performance. There were literal My Little Pony graphics parading in the background.

Yes, Please:

-Carrie Underwood’s crack in the monologue about “some dude” calling women in country tomatoes and the camera pans to three men in the audience with stone cold expressions who probably hate women…and tomatoes.

-John Mellencamp & Keith Urban were the opening hair cr3w. John sported some fluffy locks and Keith had his usual mom going through a mid-life crisis haircut so putting the two of them together was top entertainment for me. Also they sang “Ain’t that America”, which always slays. MURICA. HOME OF THE HAIR.

-Brad invented the phrase “Sam Hunting” to refer to the art of talking and transitioning to song. Thank GOD someone ribbed on him for this because it’s not okay. Talking mid-song sucks and Sam abuses the privilege just because he’s swoonworthy.

-JT got mad screen time right off the bat when Brad shouts it out to him then hopes for a performance of “that song about Christmas that he just can’t put his finger on.” I’ll put my finger on it. If it’s cool with Jessica, of course. But seriously, show Justin’s pretty face as much as possible.

-Little Big Town slayed Girl Crush as per usual (but please start performing another single, I’ve seen this one a lot) and blondie gave me silver skirt goals.

-Eric Church channeled a sunglasses-wearin Beyonce and dropped a surprise album mid-show, which was much more exciting than either of his performances.

-Chris Stapleton owns the MF’ing night. Had quite literally no idea who this bearded fellow was before last night and suddenly he’s the stuff and also BFF’s with Justin. Just as long as he doesn’t try to take JFal’s place I’m cool with it. But seriously according to me and EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON at the awards show his collab with JT was the performance of the night. Tennessee Whiskey was first, followed by Drink You Away and they tore that shit wide open. There was a girl also singing with them but her name isn’t Justin Timberlake and therefore she remained in the shadows, literally I don’t think she had her own spotlight. (Re-watch full performance here.)

In case there was something you thought JT couldn't do. #TennesseeWhiskey #CMAs pic.twitter.com/29iX47hG9k

— Nick Manfredi (@MaNfrediNicK) November 5, 2015

-Follow up to the actual performance, which was bananaland good, the country stars in the audience could not even with JT and it made me feel so much better about sitting completely still on my couch grinning at the TV. Specific shout out to Keith Urban whose undies were probably more soaked then mine…he cheered & danced and screamed like a fangirl with an I ❤ JT poster all while filming the whole thing on his iPhone. One guy had actual tears. Most of the girls just drooled openly. It was amazing to see everyone lose their cool for JT and the Tennessee Kids duetting with the largest beard I’ve seen in a while.

This guy crying during Timberlake-Stapleton gets me pic.twitter.com/26oyiLIVlD

— Chief (@BarstoolChief) November 5, 2015

-Even though it didn’t matter what the hell FGL did because they followed Chris & Justin, I still had to throw a little fashion appreciation their way because it made me laugh out loud. Gone were the vests that I have plagued for years and the replacement was Brian wearing a harness and a feather necklace. No hang on, necklace is overstating it. He was wearing an actual full feather hanging off a string.Upon second glance there was a feather in his back pocket as well. I don’t know what I expect from two men who live in actual treehouses but it still gets me every time.

-Pentatonix does a quick accapella country ditty and the audience lost their shit over it. Everyone was all in on their 2 second performance and it was really cute and well deserved cause this group is more talented than the Barden Bellas. They even got a standing O.

-Miranda wins Female Vocalist and you can tell she’s not sure how to handle the cameras but Luke swoops in and hugs her. What a gentleman. I almost forgive him for his lack of hip gyrations. In Miranda’s thank you she says, “I appreciate it, I needed a bright spot this year.” YOU GOT THIS GRRRRRLLLLL. KILL ‘EM.

-Chris Stapleton wins his third award of the night and tears up. He’s humble and sweet and grateful and we need more of him in America. Also it’s very clear that all the top country artists were rooting for him which gives me even more of the warm & fuzzies. Also not for nothing he has some pretty luscious locks that curl better than my own.

-Luke thanks his “baby” and they show Garth Brooks. LoLz. That cameraman was swiftly fired. Then Luke-no baseball cap-Bryan also shouts it out to the cool kids of country in the front row to remind everyone who isn’t VIP that they suck at life.

Winners:

Single of the Year- Girl Crush by Little Big Town

Song of the Year- Girl Crush

New Artist of the Year- Chris Stapleton

Vocal Duo of the Year- FGL

Album of the Year- Chris Stapleton, Traveler

Vocal Group of the Year- Little Big Town

Female Vocalist of the Year- Miranda Lambert

Male Vocalist of the Year- Chris Stapleton

Entertainer of the Year- Luke Bryan

Red Carpet, Television

CMA Awards Red Carpet 2015

I particularly love doing Country red carpets because they’re the only awards shows where the men have equally as sassy outfits, if not more eye-grabbing than their lady counterparts. Don’t eva try to hold a country man down with their loud print suits and staple headwear. So even though most of you look like you scrapped together suits from the leftovers at a seamstress, I applaud you for keeping things spicy and going there instead of sticking to a boring black tux.

WORST:

Exhibit A of above rant. Shiny teal patterned jacket, chesties, and Jimmy Neutron hair. Thanks for being you, men of country.

I want to like this but it looks like she’s wearing a dress with spiderwebs all over it. And I really hate spiders.

Sweet black armpit flaps.

Thank God one of them wore black or this would’ve been a real eye sore sitch for Rascal. Oh wait…

Seems like maybe Kimberly bought this dress off Etsy.

I think wrapping a hot pink twin bedsheet around my body for a toga party in college was more flattering than this.

Jason will probably never make my best dressed list, so I hope he’s kewl with that.

This is the epitome of a horrendous bridesmaids dress from 1993. Also why is Erika Christensen at the CMAs?

You know what would be really wild? If Steven showed up in a slick tuxedo. That would turn some heads.

We have a TRUCKER HAT. I REPEAT, A TRUCKER HAT. And once you get past the shock of 2003 Ashton Kutcher, a white fedora, matching jacket combo deal.

Not really understanding this idea of sheer paneled legs. Just wear a short dress and call it a day.

No thank you, Jennifer Nettles.

He’s already pretty creeps and then throws on an embroidered jacket so that didn’t really help things.

The hair ruins everything for me here. Gelled pompadours AREN’T cool.

This dress reminds me of a mix between banana peels and leaves, either way it’s too weird

BEST:

This is really classy and elegant, especially for 1 out of 100 country awards. You go, grl.

Why couldn’t the Conrad sisters perform? THAT would be must-see TV.

Kacey threw me a curveball tonight. No arts and crafts accessories, no beehive hairstyle, she just looks pretty.

Beard’s got a weird jacket vibe going on but leather jacket Osborne is doing all sorts of things for me.

LeAnn with a sassy little frock. Showing Carrie she’s not the only country singer with stems!

Thomas Rhett was out shined by his smokeshow wife and her dress that I’m obsessed with.

What do you do when you’re about to see your ex-husband in front of the cameras for the first time? Dye your hair pink, duh.

A fall-influenced suit. Hell yeah.

I’m willing to overlook the baseball cap for this spicy burgundy suit on Cole.

Slow whistle for the future Mrs. Jeter. Hot diggity damn.

Everyone knows all JT needs to do is show up and he makes my best dressed list. Shameless.

Luke never fails to dazzle me but all I need from his is a white tee and baseball cap.

My boo.

Latest installment of “if you guest star on Nashville you get an invite to the CMA’s.” I don’t hate it. More Riley Smith for me!

I may hate Hootie gone country but I can respect tha hell outta this bloutfit.

I can get all down with this salsa number.

Didn’t get enough hot pink tonight and I like this one a lot. David Nail you look nice as well.

All because two people fell in love…they get invites to every Hollywood event ever. All in on Shawn’s suit, hard pass on Kaitlyn’s dress. I’ve seen a bajillion better outfits on her.

Thompson Square looking glam city.

Usually the one sleeve thing is a little jarring but I’m alright with this scandal.

If you follow Jana on insta, you would know she’s preggers because she makes sure to directly comment on her bump in every post so it makes perfect sense that her hand is essentially glued to her baby belly on the red carpet. Also fist bump for putting the pregnancy rack on display.

Princess Kelsea. Glad she made it to the CMA’s this year because her songs are fire flames and she’s a little cutie.

Ignore the stupid pose, ignore the stupid pose.

The Sleek Perry

I love this peacoat material jacket. Sophisticated AND trendy.

I laughed out loud when I saw Perry Bro 1 with his messy bun and realized this is EXACTLY what my hair looks like when I toss it up at the end of the day. Not sure if that’s a commentary on me or him.

Fave Look of the Night:

She may have 12 outfit changes throughout the evening but her red carpet look did it for me.

Playlist

Millennial Beat Laboratory Mix

Any time I find myself in a bar with a DJ (every night, obv) I always cross my fingers that they start spinnin’—or have on their iTunes playlist—some beats from the 2000’s, aka my prime gangster days. Hanging out with the girls on the basketball team upped my street cred by a trillion because they always had rap on their workout mixes and I was all in for pretending to be cool. Now that I no longer have these influences and listen to a lot of country, my G factor has rapidly decreased but every once and a while I like to toss it back to a time when I knew rap lyrics, yo.

Paper Planes (Remix)- M.I.A. Generally speaking this song has a lot going on and SHOULD hurt your ears, but instead it turns into a gleeful game of cocking a fake gun and pulling the till on a fake cash register. Furreals tho, don’t F with M.I.A cause she’s got mad blunts and more records than the KGB.

Kewlest Lyric: No one on the corner has swag like us

Forever- Drake Ft. Eminem, Lil Wayne, & Kanye West. This is a rare gem of a song because please explain to me how you could ever get these four rap giants together now. You can’t because Drake’s busy salsa dancing to Hotline Bling, Em is doing commercials, Weezy is on and off dating Christina Milian and probably playing daddy to her kid (yikes) and obviously Ye is running for president and trying to keep up with those darn kardashians. This song will live forever in infamy for bringing the gang together, only thing missing is Jay.

Kewlest Lyric: Last name ever, First name greatest. Obviously.

Girlfriend (Remix)- ‘N Sync ft. Nelly. Obviously N*SYNC is the best band in history but when you add a little Nelly into the mix and a music video with everyone wearing knit caps, it really adds a lot of flava to an otherwise whiny song about how much they want this girl to date them. Kudos for them integrating the rap flawlessly and even throwing it back to their other top singles with “So tell your man bye-bye and tell him you’re long gone.”

Kewlest Lyric: I put ya so high on a pedestal, it might make ya nose bleed, So much ice around ya ankles, and watch ya toes freeze

Get Your Freak On- Missy Elliott ft. Nelly Furtado. Every song Missy tossed out in the 2000’s was phenomenal but this one takes the cake when she remixes it with Nelly and we learn that a woman stuttering the word “get” can be so effortlessly kewl.

Kewlest Lyric: Who’s that bitch?-Me me! Nelly Nelly Nelly Furtado all in your stereo

Ignition (Remix)- R. Kelly. Usually I don’t do this (support R. Kelly because he’s creepy) but go ahead and break em off wit a little preview of the best remix ever. Seriously this song is an all-time great, one might say the world’s greatest (wink.) On the other hand, thinking about a guy with a sexual criminal record saying he’s going to stick his key in my ignition…not so much.

Kewlest Lyric: Sipping on coke and rum, I’m like so what I’m drunk, It’s the freaking weekend baby, I’m about to have me some fun (Ultimate weekend AIM away message)

Lose Yourself- Eminem. Probably one of the first songs that I learned all the words to by playing it on repeat for weeks straight. Eminem could be a little scary sometimes, like when he was rapping about fans who killed their pregnant girlfriend for him but this is just a squeaky clean (sort of) song about rappers stage fright. Also not for nothing, but ralphing up mom’s spaghetti on yourself sounds like a giant mess.

Kewlest Lyric: Success is my only motherfucking option, failure’s not

Forever- Chris Brown. Mark my words, this is the only Chris Brown song I will ever wholeheartedly support and love, and I think that’s all that needs to be said about this. And also did he ever picture it getting a second wind from a bunch of white people dancing down the aisle to it for YouTube? Just wondering.

(I don’t want to point out any of these lyrics because they’re nice things to say to a girl you love and I can’t picture Chris Breezy saying any of these thing ever.)

Ride Wit Me (Explicit)- Nelly. I don’t know what 90% of the lyrics in this song mean. Naturally that doesn’t stop me from trying to sing along and pretending that I too smoke L in the Benz.

Kewlest Lyric: And can I make it? Damn right, I be on the next flight. Paying cash; first class – sitting next to Vanna White

All I Do Is Win (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg & Rick Ross)-DJ Khaled. Another all-star cast of characters collaborating on a song that brings out my inner G. Emma Stone agrees, of course. Half of the rappers on this song don’t even make music anymore because we live in a world where Nicki Minaj makes millions rapping about her buhhole. But whatevs, cause all I do, all I, all I, all I, all I do is win.

Kewlest Lyric: My hands go up and down like strippers booty’s go

Let Me Blow Ya Mind- Eve ft Gwen Stefani. Gwen has been a troubadour of all genres bopping around from 90s grunge rock to pop to hip-hop. One time my friends and I got our hands on some High School Musical wildcat temporary tattoos and put them on our boobs just because we wanted to be like Eve. It’s an unrelated story but also when am I ever going to be able to insert that into a blog. We were obv tatting ourselves for the midnight premiere of HSM 3:Senior Year. Did I mention I wasn’t cool in high school?

Kewlest Lyric: Don’t fight that good shit in your ear, Now let me blow ya mind

Money Maker- Ludacris Ft. Pharrell. I mostly added this song because it’s one of Luda’s more random songs but also because the lyric “let me give you some swimming lessons on the PENIS” makes me laugh out loud every single time. Essentially the whole thing is Luda rapping cringeworthy dirty talk and Pharell toning it down with his smooth beats.

Kewlest Lyric: You… you lookin’ good in them jeans, I bet you look even better with me in between. Yiiikes Luda.

Low- Flo Rida ft. T-pain. An iconic song for millennial fashion. Fun fact: one of my friends in high school owned a spicy pair of crocs with fur lining at the height of crocs fame and another friend expertly changed the lyrics to “apple bottomed jeans, crocs with the fur” just for her and I can never unhear that.

Kewlest Lyric: Shorty was hot like a toaster

Live Your Life- T.I. ft. Rihanna. Ah, a rap song with morals which is rare, especially for bad girl RiRi. What’s even better is T.I. is babbling about how he’s above all this rapper feud nonsense and then ended up in jail like 2 years later for gun stuff.

Kewlest Lyric: Been thuggin’ all my life, can’t say I don’t deserve to take a break. Same, T.I., same.

Touch The Sky- Kanye West Ft. Lupe Fiasco. This song holds a special place in my heart because I made a choreographed dance to it with my friend then tried to show it to my sister the very first time I got drunk in her college dorm. I didn’t know what being drunk was really, all I know is that I usually nailed the dance sober and after I had a drink, I stubbed my toe on the chair I was using as a prop and almost fell over. Ah, so young and naïve to the joys of booze and it’s ability to make me looser on the dance floor. Regardless, this collab was cool because Lupe made Kanye more fun/catchy and less into Jesus’ crucifixion.

Kewlest Lyric: I think I died in an accident, cause this must be heaven.

What’s Luv- Fat Joe Ft. Ja Rule & Ashanti. An avid and vocal supporter of the Ashanti & Ja dream team, it felt right to end with them, even though it also includes Fat Joe trying to tromp his way in for a threesome.

Kewlest Lyric: Ass is fat, frame is little, Tattoo in your chest with his name in the middle

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Yearly Archives: 2015

BoooooOOOOoooooKs!

Weekly JUice

Nashville- “Can’t Get Used to Losing You”

Weekly JUice

CMA Awards 2015 Recap

CMA Awards Red Carpet 2015

Millennial Beat Laboratory Mix