Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Can’t Get Used to Losing You”

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In the event that you forgot or are still in shock to remember, Jeff Fordham tumbled to his plot twist death a couple weeks ago. Something tells me his ghost won’t be slithering around Nashville for episodes to come unwelcome like Bev’s did. That something is his blooming TV career, but who am I to jump to conclusions? What comes as no shock to anyone is that Juliette doesn’t even know Jeff died, because her brain is drowning in booze and pills. So the assumption is made that he committed suicide, which is a poetic assumed death for someone who was such a narcissistic buhhole.

Not so fast though—don’t forget we have our little eyewitness who turns out may not be so reliable because Luke finds an empty bottle of liquor in Colt’s room. Really bruh, you made it through a party and up to your room without getting caught and you couldn’t just toss the bottle in the hallway trashcan? I remember my first beer. At least he knows how to lay on the guilt when he wails that he came to find his dad but HE WASN’T EVEN THERE! YEAH. WHERE WERE YOU LUKE?! Oopsie he was just porkin his image consultant who he fired for a few hours. Turns out her name is Gabrielle. Literally took me 5 episodes to learn it. Gabrielle listens to Colt’s confession and tells him to zip it until she can figure out how to spin this. (She was re-hired with the sunrise.) Also Jeff has a sister and she’s a real Twat with a capital T. Sis essentially tells Layla that she was just a mouth to Jeff and will not be invited to the funeral. Harsh.

As if we weren’t all reeling from the death of a character that no one really liked, Nashville was like LET’S UP THE ANTE and present to us, SCARLETT WITH A BUZZCUT. Her tangled and wild forest of a mane has quite literally been mowed off of her scalp. Caleb sees it for the first time and is like YIKES boner kill…or something nicer, I’m not sure because I was actually yelling when she debuted the worst dramatic TV haircut since Felicity. A TV show trying to save a terrible character with a haircut is laughable and I’ll take my time lawling about this one. I’ll let you guys know when I stop having giggle outbursts every time G.I. Jane is in a scene.

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Even though nothing can be worse than Scarlett’s sudden impulse for a bald head, her chemistry with Caleb who’s already been around for far too long continues to be non-existent. As they grab a pre-tour dinner, Caleb’s toast is, “may The Exes future be as bright as your smile.” Scarlett responds by staring at her phone. These two are white hot. I don’t know how they’re not pawing each other right at the dinner table. Probably because they’re busy sleeping in each other’s presence since this relationship is the most boring thing to ever occur.

Gunnar is still trying to get over the fact that Scarlett is dating someone who makes her underwear drier than the Sahara and keeps casually sleeping with Erin the roadie. Then light bulb! Gunnar’s like hey you should come on tour and work for me. Not a big thang at all. No really, this story line will never be a big thing. It’s obviously a terrible decision for these two to work together and yet Gunnar agrees to it after he tries to whine about it to Will and is sternly told that everyone in America has bigger problems than this so kindly STFU.

Will and Avery become besties because they’re both sad about being dumped. What does one do when they have a case of the sadsies? Harmonize, obviously. Avery has an ugly cry one night thinking about what might have been with Juliette and right on cue Cadence is like Hey is someone crying and they didn’t invite me…how rude! And her screeches fill my ears once again. I almost got tricked too when she cracked a smile earlier in the episode. That little tease. Anyway, Will and Avery stand over her crib with goofy dad smiles and sing about her peeing in the pool. And she’s like that’ll do it, goodnight. Let’s resume my ear shattering shrieks in the morning, boys. At least that’s what I assume little miss shouts-a-lot is thinking as she decimates everyone’s eardrums.

While pretty much everyone is unaffected by Jeff’s death with most reactions spanning from “oh” to “really?” to “yeah that’s too bad”, Layla is destroyed. It doesn’t really help that their relationship was a secret and everyone’s like who dis when she tries to talk about how much they loved each other. I actually liked Will for a second when he is there to comfort Layla, and stay up all night to unpack her apt (which was packed to move in with Jeff.) What a sweetie he is when he’s caring about other people’s problems.

Juliette is the opposite of a sweetie when she tells Layla that she’s torn up about Jeff’s death because she has to get a new manager. She also aggressively tells Layla to forget about Jeff and get the F over his death already. This of course is right before she takes the stage for a tribute and says, “Jeff was my manager, he will be missed.” Damn, that’s deep. She really dug down for these sentiments. While she was digging around for emotions she happened to stumble upon the brown-out of her trip to the roof and Jeff actually saving her life. She finally asks for help and Layla takes the stage for a proper goodbye to Jeff, a yodeling song about their love. Does it make anyone else feel terrible that Layla’s entire existence is pitiful? If they don’t throw her character a bone soon they midas whale just kill her off too so at least she can reunite with her heart, Jeff. I mean girl went from marrying a gay guy and having a shitty reality show to being attacked by the press, drugged and left for dead in a pool, looked over by like every music label, underappreciated on Highway 65, in a secret relationship with her manager who was JUST about to go public with her and move in AAAAAND he’s dead. But for the GRAND finale—she thinks her boyfriend committed suicide. And she probably won’t ever know because Gabbers (formerly known as Luke’s bang buddy) checks Juliette into rehab and they sweep sweep sweep the truth of Jeff’s death under that giant Nashville rug o’ secrets. At this point killing Layla off would be a blessing; maybe everyone would appreciate her more after she’s gone, like Michael Jackson. I bet her record sales would skyrocket…she could do a concert in hologram. I’m just saying, only way to go is up, I guess?

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