I mean come on. If you thought I was gonna be up before 7AM on a Saturday morning and NOT blog this, you’re out of your mind. I’ve said it on Twitter but I’ll say it again…the most selfish thing the royal family could’ve done was hold this ceremony on local time. No one in their country gives a flying F about this wedding. America is obsessed with the royals and now EXTRA obsessed because an American from what has proven to be a trash ass family with their antics this past month has done the unattainable and found herself a real prince. So long, Sucktown, I’m a princess now! Every little girl’s dream. Even the Today show was like I’ve met more people from California than I have from England here. BUT WHATEVER. Not bitter or anything. Us Americans will set our alarms just to wake up and watch church on TV on a weekend. Don’t worry bout us.

And without further ado, here are the most random collection of celebrities-the chosen ones (with some royals sprinkled in) who got to sit 14 miles away from the altar and “watch” the Royal Wedding.

WORST

Do you guys remember Joss Stone? She had a song on the radio in like 2003 and apparently that makes her worthy of attending these nuptials with a lady wearing pink fishnets. Either way she’s dressed to attend a 6 year old’s tea party.

I LOVE the red heels but I’m sorry I had to do it. You’re attending a wedding not a funeral, guys! JAZZ IT UP.

This is giving me 1960’s PanAm vibes real hard.

Tom Hardy being a baldy really threw me for a loop here. I’m not digging what his lady friend is wearing. The most frills and puffs.

I’m not a huge fan of dusty pink but this dress is a flattering cut on her.

Just your classic, oh he’s British so he’s invited. I get that Carey’s a hippie but this dress is not fitting for the ceremony. Mumford looks dapper.

Cressida going for some Mexican vibes at her ex’s wedding. That’s one way to stand out!

Lolol to James Blunt being there but also his date is an embroidered couch cushion.

Isn’t this guy in cologne ads? This dress is so unflattering and boring.

James looks great but I can’t with his wife’s hat. It ruins her whole look.

Oprah looks FINE. But, she’s OPRAH. I expected so much more from her.

I keep going back and forth on this dress because the puffballs are really pushing it but bottom line, the hat is basically a yarmulke.

BEST

At first glance I hated this then I did a quick switch and loved the fact that her shoes match the colored stripes perfectly. Plus that’s a dope hat.

Purple’s my favorite color so of course I love this.

I respect Chelsea Davies wearing dark colors (opposite of Cressida’s piñata dress) because if you’re invited to watch your ex boyfriend make SOMEONE ELSE A PRINCESS, you best show up in your darkest dress, still looking like a babe, to mourn your loss.

This is typically something I would hate but I like the flourish for the event. Plus I’m a sucker for colored heels.

Ugh Pippa looking like a dime as always. Show us dat azzz girl! Too far? Whatevs.

These two are definitely the best dressed couple there. Showing the Beckham’s how to do it. Coordinated, classy and fun!

This is a best and a worst all in one photo. Abigail wearing a polka dot frock is a miss no matter what but standing next to the perfectly polished Priyanka makes it 100x worse.

Get it gurrrrlll with those separates! So trendy!

Classic look from both.

I want this outfit. I’ve never needed a matching teal coat, hat and dress more.

I always appreciate a subtle matching coups.

This is the best pic I could get for Kate but naturally she’s the skinniest and looking phenomenal with that little sassternaut Charlotte saying hi to the h8ers.

Not sure if this creates a rivalry to wear the same color as the Queen but Doria looks amazing as she tries to show that not everyone in Meghan’s family is American trailer trash.

Bow down to Camilla’s hat.

Nothing will ever be funnier than a permanent scowl paired with a full-on lime green outfit. Her face says I hate everyone while her duds scream I’M READY FOR A SUMMER PARTY!

Both boys looking like dapper dans.

I’m not a monster, so I’ll allow Meghan to be on the best dressed list at her own wedding but please know that I found this dress to be incredibly boring. At the same time, she’s beautiful and could’ve worn a rag (which this basically is) and still looked great. Not to throw comparisons into the ring but Kate looked elegant on her wedding day but also jazzed it up with a lacy dress and some mermaid waves. My theory is that Meghan’s history of divorce and being a Hollywood starlet, on top of the fact that her family has pooped all over this wedding looking for publicity rocked the Royal traditions boat a little too  much so she scaled back the dress for compensation.

And here are some couple goals for ya, because these two are cute as shit together:

If you haven’t quite gotten enough of my snarky commentary, feel free to peep my all of my thoughts tweeted live during the action below…you know before I decided to start this blog because church got boring.