Nashville, Television

Nashville- “I’ve Got Reasons to Hate You”

Three weeks have passed in Nashville since the wedding that wasn’t, the death that wasn’t, and the dad that wasn’t. The writers took a break this week from the exhausting and repetitive story lines of Will and Layla and I’ve never been more grateful. Also noticeably missing? Luke the scorned lover, because apparently he’s crushing it post-Rayna…and it all started with that fire flames song at his wedding concert.

While Luke is undoubtedly playing show after show and hate-banging groupies, Deacon is dealing with his liver cancer, which has consumed his life. He reveals the bad news to his AA group and promptly tells them that he doesn’t want any of their booze soaked organs so keep those on lock down. Deacon’s liver may be aggressively depleting, but the man’s sense of humor is still all there. The big drama starts when Mommy Dearest Beverly returns to Nashville to make Scarlett cower under a piano again. Just kidding, Scarlett tricked her into coming back and making amends when really she just wants to get her hands on a new liver for Deacon. Deacon finds out that Scarlett sneaky invited his sister and he has a seizure. Calm down, Deacon, no reason to get all bent out of shape, gawd. It’s a real rollercoaster of emotions when Bev says “NO LIVER FOR YOU, DEACON!” and then decides to take the test after Scarlett begs her to be a decent human being. And now’s the point in time when I must interrupt this melodrama to announce that SMOKESHOW DOC IS BACK. Yaassss. Fresh eye candy. He talks about what the surgery entails and how long the recovery period is as I drool at my TV.

Anyway, back to the ADORABLY BARFWORTHY happy family reunion scene when Bev, Deacon and Scarlett harmonize around the kitchen sink. Everyone is smiling and crooning when there is an abrupt ending to the campfire singing. Coming from left field, Bev isn’t a blood type match. WOW. You mean to tell me Deacon put ALL of his HOPE on ONE person and she’s NOT a match? Could she be lying about her results though? Is that something that Bev would do, cause she seemed so pure of heart…Oh wait she was lying and was about to sneak outta town right quick too. Bevdawgz gets caught in the act and pulls the “you did this to yourself” classic line with Deacon. She leaves and confirms she’s still an awful person. Little downward spiral when Scarlett sobs about Deacon probz dying in the dark and Deacon admits he’s terrified. C’mon guys, TV shows don’t kill off main characters unless they’re looking to commit show suicide (I’m looking at you The OC). There is NO NEED to be worried at all. (As I google spoiler alerts to confirm that Deacon lives…)

We should be worried about Rayna’s career though because girl has been hibernating from the press and it’s gotten to the point where she was offered a residency in Vegas. I am appalled. This is Rayna JAMES. She ain’t no Mariah Carey! She’ll retire to Vegas, NEVER. She decides instead to have an impromptu show at the Bluebird. Except oopsie, while rehearsing she sees a picture of her and Deacon on the wall and spirals into Deana (Raycon? Dayna? We’ll work on that..) flashbacks to a couple months ago, which is probably for the best because any time they’ve flashed back any farther Rayna’s hair has been all sorts of ugly. In these flashbacks she has perfect waves and a side braid that’s on point, oh and also Deacon almost kills her in that drunk driving incident. Blip on the radar, really. Suddenly she can’t perform because she remembered that.

Luckily for Rayna, while she’s going through all this emotional trauma she can really rely on her daughter to be a rock and pull her through. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Maddie amps up her insufferable teen vibes this week and it’s SUFFOCATING. It seems as though Jeff Fordham’s “after school music program” is actually just his way of covering up child labor laws because he has Maddie & Daphne in a recording studio laying down tracks. Teddy walks in and is like yes, my two daughters in a studio with a label exec looks very typical for an educational group, there is certainly nothing suspicious about this. Obviously it turns sketchy real fast when Jeff proposes a record deal for Maddie, kicking little Daphne to the CURB. That’s cold, Jeff. Teddy’s rational for a second and says no to a record deal for his fifteen year old daughter. It certainly doesn’t help Maddie’s case that she immediately shouts about how she’s so old and mature and would like to move out of the house, start smoking and bang randoms.Or she just wants to become a country star, same difference, really. Maddie continues her Tour de Torment when she bugs the shit out of her mom trying to get the juicy deets about Deacon. Rayna and Maddie sob togets about how Deacon’s not talking to them.. which makes them look like a couple of real selfish assholes. Maybe take your private car that’s probably always on call over to Deacon’s house and check things out? Just a suggestion.

Equally as selfish but even more annoying is Micah, the overdramatic kid who has taken to ignoring Gunnar’s phone calls and pretending he’s not home. Too bad his grams narc’ed on him, leading Gunnar to drop in for a surprise visit. Wittle baby Micah has a wittle baby meltdown because his dad was a bad guy AND SO IS HE. Micah shouts this as he runs away as fast as those little chicken legs will take him.To reward Micah for being such a well-behaved and idyllic child, Gunnar gifts Micah with a brand new iPhone. Uncle Gunz also pulls the classic giving of the gift and THEN asking if the grandparents are ok with it after the kid already has his dirty paws all over it– putting them in the position where they can’t say no unless they want Micah to cry and run away again. Moral of the story, I expect many future Facetimes between Gunnar and the little shit with the top of the line cell phone. (Side note: Mom and Dad-I still have the 4S so if you’d like to surprise me with the newest model for throwing a tantrum I wouldn’t hate it.)

In lame story line land, Glen visits Juliette bearing candy and news that no one wants to pay her to sing or act but is she maybe interested in doing the noon show at Seaworld? She spends the rest of the episode reminding us once again that she’s having a baby as if we can’t SEE that buildings tremble when she walks by. Also apparently she has many months to go before baby…does this mean she’ll get bigger?! Have I mentioned that I never want to be pregnant?

Finally, we get the Bluebird concert we’ve all been waiting for. Rayna has gotten over her case of the flashbacks and invites Maddie and Daphne onstage to sing. She tells us so poetically that it brings a tear to my eye, “This song is called real life, cause that’s what we’re livin.” You mean to say that you’re not living fake life? Mind. Blown. It’s a sad song of course, because real life often is sad when the man you’ve loved your whole life but also avoided has liver cancer that you don’t know about. It’s the Bluebird comeback that we’ve been waiting for but I’m not so sure it’s the Bluebird concert that we deserve.

What we don’t deserve is the disbanding of the Maddie & Daphne dream team of harmonies. Teddy gets that and so he tells Jeff Fordham to kick rocks with that record deal. Fordham strong arms him like he’s some sort of southern Mafioso and not the sleazy record exec that porks girls half his age and gives them pills as a parting gift. And wouldn’t you know that the fast and loose lifestyle of Bachelor Teddy comes back to haunt present day Teddy. Don Fordham is swift to pull the “using the taxpayers money for sex” card aaaand Teddy’s pretty much screwed. Literally and figuratively. Hope Rayna understands that the price of their daughter is a few penetration sessions with a whore! Where do I sign?

A Few of My Favorite Things:

-“Touch my caramels and I’mma cut a bitch.” Is this something women are only allowed to say while pregs? Cause I’m pretty sure I’ve uttered that about my chocolate before…

-Tand(y)/(ie) and her fake buzzcut disappeared into Tandyland.

-There are about 4 gratuitous Taylor Swift shoutouts in this episode and I eat that shit right up. I don’t love Maddie comparing herself to Tay though. Nice try, little girl.

-“Rayna is a fading ball of gas to the comet that Maddie could become.” Epic sci-fi burn by the Fordster.

-Jeff Fordham losing his SHIT on his assistant this episode was kind of hot right? Like hurling shit and calling her an idiot all because he needs to find a new young pop star to bone? No, just me? Whatever.

-While Maddie is wah-wahing about how Deacon is ignoring her, Daphne zings her with “Maybe he has a life.” YEAH, take a hint for once, Maddie.

Television

The Mindy Project: A Farewell to Peter Prentice

Welp, it happened. Last week’s The Mindy Project bid farewell to Peter Prentice and my favorite BRO-B-GYN is gone forever. Since I know Mindy fans are already missing his absence–mostly his on point abbrevs:

His ability to turn using a g-string as a tissue into a sentimental moment:

And his knack for making a disgusting sexual innuendo in reference to a tub birth:

I’ve pulled together my favorite Peter moments from the show, so crack open a Natty Ice to enjoy the evolution of Fratty Peter.

“Bro Club for Dudes” (2.6)

This is one of our first episodes with Peter as a main character and it starts off with an epic nerf-war, where he takes Mindy as a hostage. It’s a great pre-Mindy&Peter BFFs moment because Peter is literally a child. What starts out as a friendly game of Nerf turns into a real crisis that Peter takes FAR too seriously.

“You’ve Got Sext” (2.8)

Mindy leaves her phone at work and Cliff sends her a flirty text. Obviously Peter and Morgan then take it upon themselves to sext as Mindy and then do everything they can to keep Cliff from finding out it was them, including throwing a party at Mindy’s apt. without her there. This is when we first learn that Peter is a ride or die for Mindy and also really into winky face emojis.

Best Quote: “You know that happened to me for real? Green Key Weekend, Junior year, I aspirated on my own vomit. Chris Farley appeared to me and said “It’s not your time yet.”

“Wedding Crushers” (2.10)

Mindy gets invited to Josh’s wedding and can’t snag a date so she settles for Peter and little does she know he’s Mr. Wedding. Peter looks like a smokeshow in this episode in a tailored suit. He crushes the dance floor and everything goes swell until he’s caught porking the recovering sex addict bride. His excuse was that she threw herself at him and he couldn’t say no, cause it’s her day. Have you seen those fly moves though? Everything is forgiven.

Best Quote: “I can’t spend another Saturday night stalking ex-girlfriends on the internet hoping to find a breast feeding pic. I need to meet someone.”

“French Me, You Idiot” (2.15)

Peter and Brendan DesLaurier go to the Ballet academy to compete for new patients and end up having to sit through a full performance. Peter admits the one thing he can’t stay awake for is ballet and ruins everything when he has a meltdown because the lead dancer takes 45 minutes to get to her love onstage. Pete echoes the world’s sentiments when it comes to ballet and I’ve never been more proud.

“Indian BBW” (2.16)

Pervy Peter comes through in the clutch when he stumbles upon Mindy in a porno during his normal daily browsing. He’s never met a real pornstar up close and personal and is geeking out over being in the presence of Mindy and Tom. He recovers and takes her to Sploderzz to get the video taken down and ends up bro-ing out with the owners who are of course, Dartmouth alums (Fellow D-Bags.) Even though Mindy’s porn wasn’t his favorite because the lighting was bad and there was a female director, he succeeds in getting Sploderzz to pull it off the website. He also finds out about the Mindy/Danny saga and convinces Danny that it’s BECAUSE Mindy really cares about him that she won’t dress up in a girl scout uniform and bang him on camera. Bonus points for Peter doing a Big Bang Theory Sheldon impression in attempts to cheer Mindy up.

Best Quote: “I’ve done way worse things to the practice. Last week I called in a bomb threat cause I was too hungover to come in.”

“Be Cool” (2.17)

Although most of us remember this episode as the heartbreaking and abrupt conclusion to Danny and Mindy Part 1, the airplane kiss, it should never be overlooked that Peter came to the rescue for Mindy at the party in attempts to keep Danny and Mindy together. What other guy friend would let you feed him bad grapes and tell you to sit on his lap (only to break the chair) just to make someone jealous at a party? Plus any time Peter tells Mindy to be sexy and she completely turns him off is pure entertainment (see: Think Like a Peter).

Best Quote: “If I saw my girlfriend go into a bathroom with Andy Cohen I would freak out. We gotta slut you up a bit.”

“Girl Crush” (2.18)

The men of the Schulman & Associates try to do some free advertising and get a better name for themselves so they get a mobile bus and go to the poorer sections of NYC to give free breast examinations. Peter+Spanish+Boob-Touching on a Bus=Gold.

“Think Like A Peter” (2.19)

Mindy decides she needs to act like Peter for a night and have a one-night stand. He takes her out on the town and is her wingman and it’s everything I could’ve hoped and dreamed for. Mostly because he’s so ruthless in pounding the ladies that he dresses the part of a navy officer because Fleet Week.

Click for Clip

Best Quote: “You need to start being selfish. Have you learned nothing from Wolf of Wall Street?”

“I Slipped” (3.4)

Danny tries to sneak on through Mindy’s back door one night without even ringing the doorbell first. Mindy panics and goes to resident sex freak Peter for advice. Peter breaks it down for her with the best analogy ever (see clip below) and forces her to attend sex school with a skeleton, which I think was educational for all.

Best Quote: “I almost broke up with the girl of my dreams because my waterbed made her seasick.”

“The Devil Wears Lands’ End” (3.5)

FRAT PETER IS BACK. It’s the annual Dartmouth Beer Pong tournament and his bro Pube dropped out last minute so Peter must turn Jeremy into a believable frat bro to compete with him, against Shonda Rhimes. Did I say this was going to be an evolution of Peter? Well guess what it’s not. Because Frat Peter will always have a nice warm place in my heart. Yeah, yeah, I know that he eventually cleans his life up, moves into a nice apt gets a dog named Nicole and some curtains to hide his daily “relaxation”, but Frat Peter’s legacy will live on forever because he kicked Shonda Rhimes’ ass at Beer Pong.

Goodbye you beer-loving manchild. May Texas treat you well and may I advise you not to try out your British accent there.

RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Sister Act

I missed the first fifteen minutes of last night’s episode and although I can never come to terms with missing a bitch fight at a tops and bottoms party, I can also assume that what I missed didn’t amount to much. We saw the meat of this fight last week and I’m guessing what continued this week was more hysterics, more booze and more of Kyle’s chicken wings soaring through the air as she over-animatedly points and jabs at Kim as Brandi grabs “her gay” and slinks away into the cool Hollywood air.

Brandi is fully on the defense this episode as she tries to rationalize to all her haters why she is such a twat. She doesn’t really present a good argument when she declares that she pushes the envelope because her mother always taught her that if everyone is talking about her she’s okay but it’s when everyone stops talking about her that it’s bad news bears. Brandi will never apologize to Kyle. She would also like the same publicist as Chelsea Handler because it bothers her that Chels can say whatever she wants and get away with it whereas Brandi gets drunk, tells someone their husband doesn’t want them and suddenly everyone’s on her case.

Yo invites Brandi over to do yoga with a beautiful muscly bald man. Yo is trying to trick Brandi into being a calmer human being who doesn’t threaten to knock someone’s teeth out at a party. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the downward dog doesn’t cure her because as they chat afterwards, Yo tries telling Brandi that everyone’s talking about her being a raging alcoholic and Brandi gets preeettyyy sassy. Her rebuttal is to point out that “people” say Bella is an alcoholic, but she’s not soooo s’all good. Everyone in America knows to never take a jab at Yolanda’s children and she gets amped up about this personal attack from Brandi. I dig that Yolanda stands up for herself and tells Brandi to cut the shit because she’s the only one trying to defend her and help her out of this big lake of wine that Brandi has drowned herself in. Brandi swears she wasn’t attacking Yolanda and says, “Everything I do is for my children.” Hey B, just to clarify, when you sloshed a glass of wine in Eileen’s face was that for your children? You can get back to me on that one.

In attempts to make Eileen a more crucial part of the show, the girls get together to attend the Burbank Film Festival at a shopping mall amongst commoners to support Eileen’s new film. On the way over there’s ample time to talk shit about Brandi and Kim who were selectively not invited. Rinna keeps calling them both addicts and completely expects Brandi to come after her. She knows she’s dug herself a grave with all these aggress finger-pointing comments and she’s already picked out a Louie body bag. I love the fact that Rinna is self-aware in her shit-talking. She also figures out that Brandi loves attention good or bad and hmm that makes me think of Brandi’s motto to live by she just revealed about five minutes ago. COULD IT BE?! Did we figure out the secret to Brandi’s success? AND ALSO ALL OF HOLLYWOOD?

Once they get to the theater, Kyle pretends to be joking about how most people go to Cannes and they’re at the Burbank Film Festival. She’s saying it in a funny voice like she thinks it’s hilar but we know sweet, self-absorbed, Kyle and her eyes are saying that she can’t even with this D List festival and she’s about to text Paris Hilton and beg for a plus one to her next celebrity event. Kyle doesn’t slum it. The girls hit up the concession stand for soda, hot dogs and popcorn that we all know they’re just pretending to eat on camera to make them look like cool girls who don’t care about what they eat (Also the same reason Kyle has Fatburger at her INFAMOUS white party every year.) While they’re attacking wieners and making sexual jokes, Eileen is working the 1 camera, 6 inch red carpet being interviewed by a man who doesn’t evne know what soap she stars in. Poor, poor Eileen is made to look like a real trash monster at this festival and I’m guessing this is how we keep the housewives grounded. The ladies move into the theater and lay napkins down on the red polyester seats to create a safe nest to rest their designer gowns upon. The movie starts and it’s a space flick called Stranger on a Pentagon. The mere 1 minute that we see is God awful and I can only imagine what it would’ve been like to sit through it full-length. The girls are shocked to see something so terrible and at a SHOPPING MALL nonetheless, not even the privacy of their home theater. They tell Eileen that she did a good job in a tone that really says that movie was garbage and you should have paid me for coming here today.

After the movie premiere from hell, Lisa is licking Gigi when Max walks in smelling of booze. She gets real judgey with him about going out on the town and he calls Lisa out for partying when he was a small child. She doesn’t really deny it. He has his genealogy results in one of the most drawn out subplots of Housewives ever. Spoiler alert: he’s Scandinavian and Irish. They show some pictures of Lisa pre-plastic surgery holding a baby Max and it’s the most shocking thing to ever happen on this show. Human moments from Lisa Vanderpump with a younger face. They have a moment when Max tells Lisa that she’ll always be his mom and she says good, now fetch me a cup of tea.

Eileen tries to bring Kim and Kyle together because her sister just died, and she lost another one of her sisters 4 years ago. She wants to teach these two vapid former child actors that life is short while she acts as the therapeutic mediator in a public place. As we’ve learned, public places are always great for these sorts of things. It starts out tame with I love you’s from both sides. Suddenly, the background music heightens and so does the shouting. Kyle doesn’t appreciate being made to look like a shitty sister and also being told her husband hates her. Kim doesn’t appreciate how Kyle has neglected her addiction and continues her love affair with Brandi, the BFF. Eileen immediately regrets everything. And to be clear, for someone who had a poker party that ended in a brawl in her driveway, I’m a little perturbed as to why Eileen thought this would go smoothly. Kim wants Eileen to butt out, because she’s basically wearing horn-rimmed glasses and taking notes at this point. Just because you’ve played a therapist in outer space (probably), doesn’t mean you are one, GURL.

The episode closes on the meeting of two leopards, Brandi and Rinna. Even though they look like a couple of matching idiots auditioning for The Jersey Shore, it’s completely glossed over and Rinna says real talk: why are you such a bitch, Brandi? Brandi tells Rinna that she has a temper blah blah blah and that she’s Kim’s only BFF and it’s a lot of pressure for her to handle. Brandi legit can’t even with being Kim’s only friend. Since she’s also known for being a blabbermouth she basically spills the beans that Kim’s probz no longer sober but she can’t really prove it. Apparently if Brandi called Kim out she would die. So we’re definitely not being dramats about this. Rinna takes the reins and admits, “You all need an intervention.” And I go to bed tonight praying that Rinna stages a full-on Housewives intervention.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Country Music Has Been Murdered

We return this week to Kelsey still lying on the cold hard ground. She gasps for air even with an oxygen mask on her face and is begging to see Chris so he can see what her anxiety looks like in the flesh and throw a pity rose at her. She actually utters the words, I better get a rose for this. At least she’s subtle about it. After Chris tells her she’s beautiful even with a mask assisting her breathing, she returns to the group fully recovered and laughs it off. Everyone promptly tells her to kill herself with their eyes. She replies with the most sinister smile in America. And we’ve begun tonight’s portion of Kelsey the Sociopath: An Original Lifetime Movie.

DELAYED Rose Ceremony:

Whitney, Kaitlyn, Britt, Jade, Megan, Becca, KardASHLEY & Kelsey get roses.

BAI Mackenzie & Samantha (who says the most amount of words upon her departure.) Nice knowin ya.

Chris is FINALLY ready to have fun so he brings the gang to Deadwood, South Dakota. PARTY ANIMAL. Chris is really upping the ante with more obscure places that the ladies don’t know the geographical location of. We get the lay of the land, “This is where Calamity Jane did her business,” says history Professor Soules as he poses naked for old timey pictures in a saloon.

Let’s Give Love A Shot-Becca

This date is somewhat uneventful. Becca the virgin hops right up on that horse like nobody’s biz and Chris has to work hard to hide his boner. They giggle a lot together and Becca points out what we’ve all been suffering from for weeks; Chris’s laugh SOOKS. She laughs at his laugh rather than him. Did I mention I love Becca? I love her even more when she tells us that she wants Chris to kiss her but she’s concerned about her family seeing her get her mack on. Kardashley’s a virgin who eats Chris’s face every time he’s within reaching distance and Becca is holding out for the kiss and trying to be conservative and earn his respect. Hmm, quite a toss up. They finally kiss and Becca apologizes to her dad. Do you think Jade apologized to her dad when she spread her downstairs curtains for the big show in Playboy? Just wondering.

Back at the South Dakota den, the girls gang up on Kelsey and call her out for laughing in the face of Sanderson Poe’s untimely death. Apparently Kelsey has a nervous laugh and she’s never had a panic attack in her entire life but it was TERRIFYING. She says she’ll be mindful about future interactions with the ladies. And with that she’s already decided she will kill them all at any cost.

Let’s Make Sweet Music Together- Group Date

Chris wants them all to write country songs and Big and Rich show up to help. Megan doesn’t even know where New Mexico is or what show she’s on but she immediately recognizes Big & Rich. I’m guessing the producers tipped her off. Jade is stressed because she’s not good at songwriting; she’s only good at showing off her labia in Playboy. Big (or Rich) runs with Jade down the street shouting and she’s like how much do I owe you for this very effective therapy session. Britt starts tongue-ing Chris in public. Suddenly Jade is sad again.

Chris sings first and hide ya kids, hide ya wife because his voice could potentially kill them. Britt gets up and croons, “I can hear sweet music every time you’re around.” Chris tells us he’s barely holding back the tears after that cheesetastic line. Kaitlin takes the stage and raps about whiskey and her lady bits and I love the shit out of it. Carly grabs Chris’s hand and gives off a vibe of LET THE PROFESSIONALS HANDLE THIS ONE, GUYS and serenades him. I hope for Carly’s sake that the cruise line she works for is full of drunks. Jade goes last and it’s SO BAD that I cover my eyes and my ears. She thinks she did OK. Big & Rich and Chris are laying the compliments on thick. Why are we encouraging this like a bunch of children singing in a school pageant? Related but unrelated: why is Chris such a pussybitch? No one should ever be bawling from this mishmash of unclever lyrics and fork in a garbage disposal singing voices.

The group date continues and he takes some time with each girl. He tells Jade she killed it. And I genuinely wonder if he’s just trolling the viewers now. Britt and Chris run away because they like to shove their sexual chemistry in everyone’s faces and they end up at a Big & Rich show. These two horndogs use the live concert as background music for their journey to second base. They’re pulled off each other and nearly hosed down by the sounds of Big & Rich inviting them onstage. Britt gets rose’d onstage even though she hates country music. Big & Rich change the lyrics to Save A Horse, Ride A Farm Boy and Britt says Challenge, Accepted.

They come back to a room full of death stares and Chris explains himself as Britt takes this opportune time to wipe his saliva from her lips. Everyone obviously shits all over Britt for getting the rose and an undeserving concert. The dramatic music swells and each woman lets her tears do the talking—Carly feels invisible, Kaitlin doesn’t fight for attention, Whitney’s pure heart is broken. Britt combs her luscious locks, applies a fresh coat of lipstick and goes to bed.

Badlands: The Battle of the Crazies 2 in 1 Date

The human crop top and the schoolteacher are treated to a helicopter ride around Mt. Rushmore. Kelsey names each president she sees and Kardashley is pezzed because they’re not flying over a mountain with Kris, Kourtney, Kim and Khloe’s faces carved into it. Awkward silence ensues upon landing in the Badlands and Chris chugs his whiskey to handle this date. (Live look into my apt: chugging wine to handle this show. It seems Soules and I have something in common.) Kardashley and Chris go off to make out and talk shit about Kelsey. Kardashley has gotten better at kissing. She’s probably been practicing with her hand at night. She reminds us that she’s still a virgin, but at least she’s SEXY and dresses like a rebellious teen rather than a MOM.

After Kardashley took her time to remind everyone she’s a virgin, Kelsey took her one on one time to remind Chris she’s a widow. “I’m prepared to be a wife because I’ve been one… to Sanderson Poe. Do you remember him? He penned a great American novel.” Chris obliterates all rules on trash talking by immediately repeating what Kardashley just revealed about Kelsey. Kelsey is hurt, Chris. HOW DARE YOU?

Things start to heat up in the desert when Kelsey returns to Kardashley and tells her “I know what you did” before she pulls a butcher knife out of her back pocket and slices Kardashley’s exposed belly ring off. Kardashley stomps away into the mountains and I keep my fingers crossed for a hangry mountain lion. She finds Chris first, and sobs because he repeated what she said. He comforts the colicky baby and gives a look to the cameras that says he wants to be buried alive in the Badlands. He cuts Kardashley loose because he can’t give her the lavish princess lifestyle she so clearly needs. She lashes out and throws Britt under the bus for also liking nice things and makes herself look even worse. She stomps away then comes back because Chris didn’t follow her and shouts that she can’t believe she’s acting like this, then continues to act like this. Kardashley cries into the camera a lot and can’t pull it the F together. I would expect nothing less for her final moments on this show than that perfectly contoured face gasping for air as buckets of tears pour out. PEACE OUT Kardasssssssssssssley. I wish you a lifetime of laugh-crying.

You still trying to figure out what presidents those are, Kardash?

Chris does the smartest thing he’s ever done when he turns around and whacks Kelsey too. She takes her rejection a wee bit better than Kardashley…for now. The bitches cheer and pop bottles upon hearing news of Kelsey’s exit. “My story is amazing, it’s tragic and it’s beautiful,” Kelsey says one last time, her swan song as she stalks off into the desert to find the shovel she had hidden there the day before in case she needed it. YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, Kelsey echoes through the Badlands, “One day I’ll be featured on Beyond the Headlines: The Murder of Ashley I.” she shouts as she waves the shovel in the air!

I will CUT you.

Best Quotes:

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over it.”-Mackenzie the TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD saying that she’ll never recover from a man she’s been on one date with.

“Kelsey had a bit of a fainting episode”-Chris confirming that Kelsey is a sociopath with one subtle sentence.

“She got up there like she’s been riding horses for years.”– Chris clearly disbelieving of Becca’s virginity and also in need of a waistband tuck.

“She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get the princess date.”-Kelsey giving us the exact headline that will appear over a picture of Kardashley’s face on the front page of the newspaper when she SNAPS.

“It’s just so stupid that every time I’m around you I have to cry, it’s like what?!”-Kardashley echoing America’s sentiments, and yet still crying like a faucet.

BONUS-Due to aggressive snowfall in Boston, I got a couple adult snow days and took it upon myself to create a Bachelor drinking game last night. I’ll share some of the rules I used so that you might also enjoy getting hammy-sammied on Monday nights.

Take a Sip When:

-Chris makes out with one of his girlfriends

-AMAZING, obv. Also: journey, difficult & connection

-Chris says, “This is hard.”

-Anyone talks about their feelings

-Chris looks like he’s solving global warming in his head when really he’s just listening to a female talk

-A Rose is given

-Chris breathes with his mouth open

-Farm synonyms, themes or catchphrases

-A girl throws shade or talks shit

-Chris talks about how many kids he wants with a girlfraand

-A date gives you the uncomfies

Take a Gulp/Shot When:

-Chris makes out with one of his girlfriends in front of another one of his girlfriends

-Chris’s high-pitched maniac laugh pierces your eardrums

-Britt is touching all up on or cuddling with another girl in the house

-There are tears

-Kaitlyn says something inapprops or dirrty

-Megan is confused as to where she is or what she’s doing

-Chris showers or goes shirtless

-Virginity is discussed

-Chris does something the ladies don’t like and doesn’t have a backbone when defending his decision

-C. Harrison has to talk Soules down from a meltdown

-There’s a Kate Gosselin hairstyle in Iowa

Finish Your Drink When:

-Jade finally reveals she spread eagle for Playboy

-Penetration

-Chris proposes

-The girls physically fight WWE style

-Kardashley returns to the mansion in a princess dress, wielding an ear of corn

-Kelsey returns to the mansion wielding an actual weapon

-Ashley S. returns to the mansion because she took PCP and got lost on her way home

There are obviously more that could be added to this—leave your suggestions below and help me make next week’s two nighter MUCH more tolerable!

Music, Television

The Grammy’ZzzzZZZzz Recap

The Grammy’s are the biggest awards show for music, and they usually contain only a handful of awards and then several hours of performance. This is a great concept because most people would rather see the performances anyway, IF THEY’RE FUN AND UPBEAT. Last night’s show was the MOST boring awards show I’ve ever watched. They allowed snooze machine after snooze machine get onstage and croon out slow jams. It was a real struggle to stay awake for almost three hours with every performance serenading me to sleep. It was also the night of oldies collaboration, I assume in attempts to teach our youth who the classics are so they can cut the shit with tweeting out “AC/DC sounds like a really cool new artist.” I’m guessing it didn’t work. (Mostly because “Who Is Beck” was trending…)

We started off the night being reminded that LL Cool J is still hosting this thing, 20 years later. He’s also still wearing the same Kangol and licking those juicy lips every 30 seconds. Good to see some things never change. (He also forgoes a monologue…probably because he doesn’t want to get boo’ed off the stage—by me.)

The opening act is AC/DC and looking back I think this is the point where the Grammy’s really fooled us. I can see it now, some producer saying let’s open the show with a rockin performance from AC/DC so they’ll get all riled up for a bangin show and then we’ll hit em with the snooze button for the remaining three hours. Nailed it. This performance was for the old people and they really hit their target audience because I got a text from my mom that just said “ACDC!!!!” She was pretty excited. I personally kept thinking I was watching the final performance from School of Rock and was waiting for Zack Mooneyham to come out and melt faces with his guitar solo because of this outfit:

Here’s the breakdown of the rest of the night…

Sleepies:

-Ariana Grande’s performance of “Just A Little Bit of Your Heart” gives me just a little bit of the sleepies.

-Jessie J and old guy (Tom Jones…I googled it) sing “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling” and Jessie J’s atrocious outfit is distracting me from this weird duet. Also Jessie’s voice wasn’t on point as it usually is.

-Kanye has his first Grammy’s performing in 6 years. I know that because the announcers reminded me 10 times, I’m surprised Kanye also didn’t remind us. He has a single spotlight on him as he sings “Only One” about baby North with an Autotuner. He’s also dressed up for the occasion with a full red sweatsuit. Side Note: Is autotune still a thing? I thought T-Pain killed it like 6 years ago. (AKA the last time Yeezus was allowed to perform at the Grammy’s. Never mind, it makes sense now.)

-Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani sing a song with only the words yes and yeah in it. It blows and Gwen tries to riff it up like Xtina would. No, no, no. They both look hawt though, so there’s that.

– Hozier performs “Take Me To Church” with that mop of curls and Annie Lennox pops in to give us all the scaries and sing a bunch of noises with crazy eyes.

-Prezzy Barack Obama makes a cameo to remind us how awful domestic abuse is, I’m lookin at you Chris Breezy. Then we’re all treated to a weird poetic speech from a domestic abuse survivor and by the end of her talk I genuinely thought I had just watched a scene from a play. It was a nice touch to add some downer abuse and violence snippets to a show full of sad, slow songs. High alert for wrist cutting last night.

-Katy peforms in a tight white dress that makes her look 3 months pregs and there are no gimmicks, no sharks with legs, and CERTAINLY no Missy. Booooooooo.

-Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett perform “Cheek to Cheek.” Gags writhes her body all over Tony’s and I don’t know how he doesn’t have a heart attack on the spot. She clearly rolled around in Cheeto dust pre-performance and also doesn’t know what to do with her hands because they keep spazzing.

-The KING of grooving, Ursher baby, sings a LULLABY with a harp and Steve Wonder comes out for a hot second. WHY. This is the point of the night where I had given up on ever hearing happy music again.

-The SUPER hyped up collaboration of Rihanna, Paul McCartney & Kanye where Paul’s mic is 100% turned off. He’s just there for shock value and to fuel more youth tweets of “Who is Paul McCartney?” Rihanna sounds gr8 even though she is wearing a baggy suit from Men’s Warehouse. Kanye tries to steal the show the entire time. At one point he shouts at Paul to pay his bail, it’s the most interaction Paul gets all night as he mimes into a muted mic and tries to keep up with the cool kids who are about four five seconds from WILDIN’.

-Sam Smith and Mary J Blige perform “Stay With Me” TWICE. Great voices, not exactly an upper.

-Chris Martin & Beck perform and basically are twins. They sing a slow song, obv.

-Beyonce was who I was waiting for all night to end the show on a BANG. She comes out wearing an angel-esque wedding gown with a full choir behind her and I slip into a deep coma never to return again. It’s embarrassing how long I waited for her to strip that gown off and shout BRING DA BEAT IN. Spoiler alert: She didn’t.

-John Legend and Common perform Glory after Bey and I think I was throwing things at my TV at this point. JK I was sleeping.

Highlights:

-Pharrell wins solo pop performance, struts onstage in his biz Bermudas and says “this is really awkward” a couple times before getting played offstage. If he’s referring to wearing knee length dress shorts to an awards show than I agree, it is really awkward.

-Miranda performs “Little Red Wagon” in a full leather bodysuit and cowboy boots, the sass is AMPED up and she wins the award for most upbeat song of the night.

-The REAL Barry Gibb comes onstage to present and all I want to see is this:

-Madonna the 56 year old wearing a red corset bodysuit has the second most upbeat performance of the night and she basks in the glory by slamming her crotch into her dancers faces. Her barf.com arms also make a debut when she strips her sparkle jacket off and the grand finale is when her limp body is risen above the stage. You do you, Madge.

-Josh Duhamel, Julian Edelman and Malcolm Butler present an award, clearly Malcolm gets a little nervsies and poops his pants trying to read the teleprompter, then they tell a cheesy interception joke when Malcolm snatches the winner out of Josh’s hands. LOL. No but seriously, I didn’t even care that this was super awks, Josh Duhamel and Julian Edelman were standing side by side and it was a breathtaking view. Fingers crossed Edelman took my advice on snatching phones up in Hollywood last night or we’re gonna have a lot of pics to sift through this morning from all his lays.

-Ed performs “Thinking out Loud” and it is magic and there might be some tears from me out of sheer joy from Ed saving this trainwreck. John Mayer joins him onstage just to make weird faces and play backup guitar. Go away, John. This is Ed’s moment. (Kim K is the only one sitting when Ed gets a standing O at the end. Killlll yerrrrseeelllffff.)

-Ed performs with some old people (Electric Light Orchestra?) and we get the funniest moment of the night when they pan to Paul McCartney as the ONLY one standing and getting his groove on. They keep a camera on him for so long it basically shames him into sitting down. Way to go, producers.

-This guy’s hair:

-BECAUSE WE JUST CAN’T LET HAPPY DIE. Pharrell performs a “new version” and is wearing a bellhop uniform with yellow sequin sneaks. The start of his performance his him shouting out things and Google Translate shouting it back to him in other languages. There’s choir action and piano solos and at the end Pharrell says, “I’m in your service oh Lord.” Bruh, God is ALSO sick of Happy so if you were in his service you wouldn’t have played it. Get outta here.

-Prince is still a creeper.

-Beck wins album of the year and asks for a recount. Kanye stands up to try to do a repeat of “Imma let you finish but…Beyonce had the best video of all TIME.” Beck welcomes him onstage to save us all from his awkward speech full of long pauses but Kanye’s like nah JUST KIDDING GUYS. I’m a sensitive father now, I don’t play that game anymore. Buzzzzzzzkilllllll.

-Apparently Kanye & T.Swizz do the Parent Trap handshake during a commercial break and become besties again, 6 years post-incident. If there’s also a collab in the future I quit music.

-Sia’s performs Chandalier with an extravagant set that is supposedly recreating a painting of “The Invisible Man” (This obv. went way over my head, but I read it somewhere.) The performance opens with Shia LaBeouf reading a strange letter. Sia stands in the scene facing the wall, singing and her dancers are Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms and Kristen Wiig. Kristen hopping around in a leotard and doing goofy faces made me laugh out loud like I was watching an SNL sketch. Prob not what Sia was going for, but it was interesting to say the least. Also personal note to Sia: cut the shit with the hiding of your face. She does it because she doesn’t want to be famous YET we all know what she looks like. Enough is enough. I was praying she would win to see how she would handle her acceptance speech. Would she steal one of Daft Punk’s helmets from last year?

-Lots of blind jokes with Stevie Wonder and Jamie Foxx. Good to see he still has a sense of humor about his lack of sight.

-Sam Smith won literally all of the awards. He thanked his ex-BF for being a scumbag and getting him all deeze Grammy’s and also confessed that he once tried to lose weight to be successful and the lesson to take away here is don’t ever diet because if you don’t you’ll have four Grammys to show for it.

Winners:

Best New Artist- Sam Smith

Best Solo Pop Performance- Happy, Pharell

Best Pop Vocal Album-Sam Smith

Best R&B Performance- Drunk in Love, Beyonce

Best Rock Album- Beck

Best Country Album- Miranda Lambert

Album of the Year- Beck

Song of the Year- Stay With Me, Sam Smith

Record of the Year- Sam Smith

As a reward for sitting through that pile of sad, slow garbage, here’s the best performances from last year to cleanse you:

Music, Red Carpet, Television

Grammy’s Red Carpet

It was music’s biggest night and the singers put on their best, which unfortunately wasn’t great. The best dressed list was a true struggle to populate and it’s not just because I’m a judgmental asshole. I had people weigh in this time. Let’s get things started with the never-ending

Worst Dressed:

Ariana Grande with her signature tight ponytail that looks like it’s painful and a gown that looks like it was unfinished so they pinned a scrap of metallic material over it in an emergency.

Ashanti. Do less. Also how dare you show up to the Grammy’s without Ja Rule on your arm? Show some respect.

Charli XCX. Do even less than Ashanti. Was this supposed to be a bit? Did I miss something here?

Trash bag meets unraveling loofah on Ciara.

Damn it with those milkmaid braids that look to be weighing your head down, Iggy. I don’t even hate the dress because I’ve seen her do worse, but those braids really rough it up.

Legit question, why is Jane Fonda at the Grammys? In a green leisure suit nonetheless.

I actually don’t understand how Kanye is seen as a fashion icon. His obsession with deep V’s is almost as aggress as his wife’s obsession with showing off her lady bits on the internet.

I had to do a double take because I thought that Katharine McPhee was JWoww.

I think I actually like the purple hair more than I like this dress.

Kimmy, thanks for gracing the Grammy’s with your presence in a bedazzled bathrobe. Would you like me to grab your slippers?

Bonus points for matching the hair to the dress but yikes put the bewbs away.

KANGOL. NUFF SAID.

Madonna, you’re 56, woof. Time to retire the corsets.

This is conservative for Miles. That being said she looks straight up terrible. Is she coming down from a bender?

I would expect nothing less from someone who sings about buhholes.

Pharrell & Wife trying to one-up his historic Arby’s hat moment from last year with a nice readywear gym couples outfit.

Rihanna saw this online and thought it was cool. I’m wondering if that means she stumbled upon the DIY loofah costumes on Pinterest. She looks like she’s 400 pounds.

Ryan Adams taking his divorce with Mandy Moore well in a Canadian Tuxedo.

The Dumb and Dumber hairstyle, the hideous colored dress and matching lip. No thank you, Zendaya.

Best Dressed:

Anna Kendrick with the ever popular this season, tuxedo-no bra combo.

BeyBey with the mermaid waves and form-fitting lace gown.

Chrissy Teigen crushes red carpet looks all day erreday.

Gwen Stefani wearing the pantsuit well and also keeping up appearances for her performance (see recap).

I see you in that green velvet suit, Jesse. ❤

Jennifer Hudson’s hair is looking pretty mom-ish but damn that body! The dress fits her well and looks great.

MJ Blige with an age approps and beautiful gown.

I’m still half in half out on this one, but I think I’m leaning toward in so here it is. Meghan Trainor trying something different.

Not my favorite for Miranda but she crushes her peformance outfit so that helped her make this list. (see recap)

Normally not a hat person but Ne-Yo is lookin real smooth.

Nick Jonas with the fitted plaid suit paired with white kicks. Wish he picked different shoes but he looks real trendy.

Nicole truly looks the best I’ve seen her look in a long time. Keith doesn’t deserve to be on the best dressed because of THAT HALF UP, HALF DOWN HAIRDO. NO KEITH. NO PONIES. (He also seems pretty casj about Nicole TOWERING over him.)

Lovin on that dress on Kimberly and the sleek pony.

Hate the hair, half in on the dress. I think the sparkles distracted me. And I drank a lot of wine tonight.

Jessie J in this sheer black number is pretty classy. Never into the greasy slicked back hair.

AND THE BEST DRESSED OF THE EVENING GOES TO:

This isn’t even me being a biased Taylor super fan. This look is awesome. The dress fits well, has sass in the back, is a spicy color and the legs + purple heels just seal the deal for me. Could’ve gone without the earrings that look like ones my mom used to have that I thought were costume jewelry and she was like no these are real earrings I wear in public, but whatever. I’m not going to nitpick, it’s not really my style. 😉

Keep reading for the full 4 hours condensed into highs, lows and cat naps in my Grammy’s Recap.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “I’m Not That Good At Goodbye”

After leaving off in December with some SHOCKING revelations that kept me awake for many restless nights in January, I was truly relieved to see how everything turned out for country music’s finest boozed, beaten and unmarried. As you can imagine, after calling of her wedding 10 minutes before even though she knew she was in love with Deacon the minute she started dating Luke, Rayna was on full damage control. Apparently Luke was mad about getting dumped on his wedding day, and he takes his anger out on their wedding cake via his truck. Ooohhh, yeah you drive into that wedding cake, Luke, show it how mad you are. (Or just mail it to me, because wasting cake should be a crime.)

Anyway, Rayna must tell the girls that the wedding is off because they’re basically waiting for her in their dresses. Seriously, Rayna you couldn’t have gotten an earlier start with cancelling your wedding day? Rayna breaks the news to her little snotrockets and Tandie, the mysterious pinned back pixie cut. Madz is back to walking the campaign trail of Deacon and Rayna (AKA Mom and Dad) Forever. I wouldn’t be surprised if she sneaky sets up a wedding for them Parent Trap style. Daphz throws a tantrum because she liked Luke a lot and Sage was going to be her sister. I’m assuming she forgot about the sister she already has, who she also spends every minute with. Hey Daphne, Rayna is moving on from Luke and probably bouncing back to Deacon now, try to keep up. Don’t get attached.

We should get attached to Layla, however, because apparently she’s here to stay. Yep, that’s right, Layla did not die face down in a pool at a party that her gay husband was boinking another woman at. Layla pretty much sums up her existence when she wakes up at the hospital and admits to Will, “I tried to kill myself and couldn’t even get that right.” Apparently her failures at life were inspiring to Will because he decided to finally tippy toe out of the closet. He tells Jeff Fordham about the reality footage and good ole Jeff threatens the producer to shut down the reality show or he’ll ruin her and probably also have sex with her. Speaking of sex, remember when Jeff had sex with Layla and then handed her a bottle of pills to stop bothering him when he had other options? Jeff’s bro Mayor Teddy came through in the clutch. Teddy does some dirty work when he meets with a cop and says let’s sweep this little hookers, blow, face down in a pool incident under the rug, shall we Chief of Police? It’s all for the sake of music education, you see.

Someone who could truly use music education is the world’s most annoying child, Micah. He sings and plays a duet with his NOT REAL dad Gunnar and I have to mop up my vomit all over the place from how queer it is. They even high five at the end. Nope. Gunnar goes to paternity court with the grandparents and finally tells Micah that he’s actually Uncle Gunz. Side note: If Gunnar was my uncle this is ABSOLUTELY what I would call him. What a boss nickname. Micah FREAKS out like a wittle bitch and runs into his grandparents’ arms. I would expect nothing less from a kid who gets lost going to the bathroom. He chooses his grandparents to live with and DON’T TEASE ME NASHVILLE; get him OUTTA here for good.

Let’s pick things up for a second with newlyweds Avery and Juliette and their future baby that they didn’t mention once this episode. Sorry, they did when Juliette said once this baby comes I want a real honeymoon. Ummmm, once that baby comes you have to be a MOM, Juliette. I know. It’s tough to understand. Anyway they’re all in love and newly wedded bliss and forgetting the fact that Juliette got porked by Jeff Fordham in the bathroom of a party full of sleazy music execs. They have a classic newlywed fight when Avery moves all his shit in and Juliette thinks it’s ugly and wants it outta there. They make up 10 minutes later because they’re in LOOOURRVEEE, guys. Can’t wait till that baby slides out and they leave it on Jeff Fordham’s doorstep on their way to Hawaii.

Sadie, on the other hand, won’t be leaving town any time soon because her ex husband is lurking ready to beat the shit out of her. She goes to buy a gun and her only ID is her massive black eye and the most common fake name in America. She midas whale have said her name was Jane Doe. Remind me to Google gun purchasing laws in Tennessee, because this didn’t look promising. She goes home and writes/performs a song—the chorus is “I don’t wanna write a sad song” and it sounds like the saddest song in the world. Good work, Sadie. Pete comes back and is all sorry girl, my B. Let me in, I have cookies–as she has her gun cocked behind the door ready to fire. I guess she doesn’t want cookies. She finally gets some sense when she documents her black eye and fills out an order of protection instead of relying on her illegally purchased gun to keep her safe.

Ok, back to the love triangle that is actually not a triangle at all. After ruining the cake, Luke charges on over to Deacon’s looking for Rayna to be naked in his bed (we all were, Luke.) They get in a physical altercation, and by that I mean Luke gets sassy and Deacon immediately punches him in the face and then whispers “Wheels up, jackass” in his grill and it’s just as glorious as “Welcome to the OC, Bitch”. Deacon continues with his smug little smirk of a man whose won and shows up to Rayna’s looking to B-O-N-E. He’s sent packing by weird hair Tandie and goes to his doctor’s appointment. Deacon learns he needs a liver transplant or chemo because TUMOR. Scarlett jumps to donate but she’s not the right blood type. I know that all of this is vital and serious medical information but WHO is this doctor? He’s a smoke and deserves to be a full time character. Who can we hook him up with? Fingers crossed for more of Dr. Sexy. Oh and I guess that Deacon doesn’t die too.

Luke wishes he could die as he shoots bottles of Cristal in his backyard. Rayna has the nerve to show her face again while her ex-fiancé is yielding a gun. Luke turns into a bitchy cheerleader and says he knew from day one that he should have never been with Rayna because DEACON OF COURSE. He also basically tells her you’re welcome for making your career what it is, SEE YA BITCH. Rayna wants to get ahead of the rumors Luke will eventually blab to the paps so she makes a statement casj making it sound like she didn’t totes stomp all over Luke’s precious heart. Luke maturely responds by turning their supposed wedding into a big private concert. At this concert he plays the FIRST Luke Wheeler song I’ve ever liked. YAAASSS. Drunken surly woman-hating Luke for the win!! I almost wished that Rayna would appear in the crowd and tell Luke No; YOU’RE welcome for a career, because it’s clear he’ll thrive from heartbreak songs, courtesy of Ray-Ray.

And finally the Team Deaconites get their wish when Rayna goes to him and delivers a beautiful and touching love speech. She’s loved him since the first time she laid eyes on him. Sigh. She still loves him. Swoon. She almost married Luke because she didn’t want to deal with Deacon’s booziness. Wait, what? She asks for some time because duh she hasn’t had enough yet. Deacon replies, “You take as much time as you need… But I’ll probably already be dead, no biggie, also do you happen to have an extra liver lying around?” JUST KITTEN, guys. He doesn’t tell her he has mere weeks to live. Deacon wants to take care of Rayna instead of being a freeloading drunk asshole so he’s gonna keep it from her. These two keeping secrets from each other every time they get back together is pretty much always a success story so this is really comforting. We have about 2 weeks until this implodes so enjoy their love while you can!

Oh, and lastly my underrated favorite saga of the night was when Maddie calls Colt to fight Rayna & Luke’s battles. Ah young love. WE WILL NEVER HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN she shouts at Colt after he takes Luke’s side. JK they reunite 10 minutes later and the sexual tension is THROUGH THE ROOF, cause it’s no longer incest guys, so it’s AOK.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Drama Queens”

It’s a new week and a new event to publicly fight at and I’m feeling very blessed that Kyle decided to throw a gay mixer for attention because it’s the perfect platform for Round 2 in the Sister vs BFF Battle Royale. But first we must focus on the prep for the party so that Kyle can bask in the glow of a party planning spotlight. While setting up the tops and bottoms gay mixer, Kyle appoints herself spokeswoman for her gays because she’d like to be the whistleblower on their casual sex preferences. Officer Kyle wants to keep the gays off Grindr and onto penetrating at a party she hosts instead so she can get full credit.

While Kyle debates if she would be a top or a bottom, or most likely both, so as not to be outdone…Yo and David are going to Italy for a charity event with Andrea Bocelli and George Clooney. It’s unclear whether the charity event is in fact Clooney’s wedding to “the most fascinating woman in America” according to Barbara Walters. Yo packs and tells us, “My husband is very generous because he’s willing to travel all over the world for charity.” If someone paid for me to go to Italy I would be reaaallll charitable too. I love the fact that Yo is gallivanting around NYC and Italy and doing genuinely cool things instead of becoming a trashmonster by association who watches women use their spikey bracelets to physically harm one another. Stay pure, Yoli.

Mizz Ice Queen, shows a thawed out side this week as her son Max is interested in finding out his heritage. Apparently Lisa wasn’t prepared for her adopted son to ever wonder about his birth parents. Lisa, have you ever watched a television show in your life? That’s literally what every adopted child does as soon as they’re old enough. She finally agrees to let him look into it. I suspect it comes down to one question: MAX, ARE YOUR BIRTH PARENTS GOING TO HAVE SWANS IN THEIR FRONT YARD? No competition. I rest my case.

Brandi visits Kim who has finally been released from the hospital and is wearing a coordinated leopard sweatsuit with her hair styled and blush suited for a haunted porcelain doll, just puttsing around the house. Kim was in the hospital for a week with a hernia and some broken ribs from… coughing? Can we get a doctors’ note on this? Things aren’t adding up here. Brandi wonders aloud, “What is a hernia anyway?” Kim’s only reply is a juicy coughing fit. Safe to say she doesn’t know either. Kyle and Kim also have a heart to heart where Kim admits that before going to the poker party, Monty said, “Take one of my pain pills, it will make you feel better.” Kim opened wide and he tossed it in her mouth like she was catching a cheeseball as a party trick while his body continued to wither away on her couch. Something tells me Kim would take candy from a man in a rape van without questioning it. Apparently it was a pill for Monty’s cancer, which is totally interchangeable for hernias and stuff. Is this enough evidence to present a case for a live-in RN at Kim’s house? Just wondering. Anyway, apparently the sisters forgive and forget and cry a little because they love each other forever and ever.

It’s the night of the Gays, FINALLY. Kyle wears a turquoise sparkle stretch mini with her melons (literally she has to keep tugging to keep her nipples from coming out to play) and ass out, cause like she’s partying with gays so it’s FINE to dress like a 20 year old at a club. The rest of the housewives follow suit, confirming every woman’s stereotype that she can dress slutty around gays because they’re not interested. Does that mean that I can dress slutty at work because my female boss isn’t interested orrrr does it not apply in this sitch? Pls advise. Each housewife brings a few gays like they brought a few old dresses from their closet to Lisa’s homeless teen luncheon a few weeks ago. They try to pair their last season gays off like mating pandas the second they walk in the door. The mixer game of the night is guess the celeb on your back with yes or no questions. Rinna and Lisa kiss to get Kyle to guess Katy Perry and it’s not how the game is supposed to be played but who caaaaress because friends kissing is OK at a tops and bottoms party.

Kim (or the producers who slyly rub their hands together and dream up ways to create confrontation) decides to bring uninvited Brandi to the party to mend the fences. On the way over, Brandi totes thinks that they can just sweep the poker brawl under the rug and blame it on the booze, blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alch-a-haul. It becomes clear as soon as she shows up that Kyle will be hitting the booze to cope with Brandi’s party crashing ways. Drink up, girl. You need a straw? Let’s get things started. In no time, both women have done their best to work the room and get everyone at the party separately involved in their fight by gossiping and seeking advice from them. I’m assuming before the gays pair off they ask if the other is Team Brandi or Team Kyle. (For the record, if anyone’s wondering I’m Team Neither, or Team Yolanda, if you will.)

In the first heat of the night, Kyle gets herself worked up talking to her handler ladysitter, recalling everything Brandi has ever done to her. With the visions of Brandi accusing Mauricio of cheating dancing in her head, Kyle storms over to Brandi, Kim and Lisa and delivers a very gritty apology for pushing Brandi’s arm down BUT also told Brandi she should’ve never gotten in the middle of sisters. Lisa scampers away as fast as her sky high glitter pumps will take her and it is ON like Donkey Kong. Kyle has obviously set Brandi up to fill in the blanks for a return apology. Oh sweet, dumb Kyle, when has Brandi ever backed down and let someone put words in her mouth? Brandi tells Kyle, I accept your apology but I know everything about you and your sis, so shut up. Kyle takes this really well. Just kidding she loses her shit and starts throwing F bombs at Brandi and telling her that she’s a disgusting uninvited rude bitch piece of dirty garbage. I might be paraphrasing here. Kim and Brandi look at Kyle half amused and half scared, hoping that she’ll tire herself out from her tantrum and put herself down for a nappy soon enough.

Brandi defends herself by saying that she actually helped plan this party (and there’s a flashback to prove it, thank God for the constant camera crews otherwise we wouldn’t have this evidence.) Kyle denies everything and continues to spiral further and further into her meltdown. At one point she yells this at Brandi, “You know what they say. If you meet more than one asshole a day then most likely you’re the asshole.” If that isn’t the words of the prophets that were written on the subway wall, then I don’t know what is. I will forever live my life by that statement. More than one asshole=I’m an asshole. Got it, Kyle. Brandi feels threatened that Kyle might grab her arm again, to which Kyle shouts that it was her EFFING SHARP BRACELET, NOT HER. At this point I’m huddled in the corner of my room, a blanket covering my eyes, reminding myself that this fight comes down to a byproduct of jewelry scratches. Brandi doesn’t care if a diamond scratched her or Kyle did because she wants to knock Kyle’s teeth out. Classic. There’s a few more “disgustings” thrown around, a “your husband doesn’t want you” and finally the tried and true, “you hurt my feelings” from Kim, mixed with ever flowing tears of course. EVERYONE CUT IT OUT WITH THE FIGHTING, KIM’S FEELINGS ARE HURT. Let’s all write each other one fuzzy wuzzy, apologize and hug and we’ll move on to snack time. Will we make it to snack time or will someone need a new set of front veneers first? Stay tuned to see the continuation next week of the only club the gays don’t love—Fight Club.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Where is New Mexico?

This week’s episode starts out with Chris in Santa Fe staring up at a sky full of hot air balloons wondering how a balloon could float in the air AND hold a person. He’s lost in trying to fathom the meaning of the world as the girls find out that they’ll be visiting him in New Mexico for some dates. They all immediately Google if this is an area of Mexico that’s newer, and get their passports ready for a flight two states over. Shh, if we feed them Mexican food they won’t know the difference.

Hey Chris, the balloons are that way…ohh nevermind.

“Let’s Come (Cum?) Together” with Carly

Carly wins the one on one date—she looks surprised, mostly because her eyebrows are frozen like that. They have a date with a love guru who looks like one of the Egyptian vampires who came to Forks to help the Cullen’s fight the Volturi in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2. She pumps a lot of smoke into the room that I can only presume smells like the incense they swing around church on Easter and they’re both told to chant. Chris has a higher pitched voice than Carly and he should probably go into hiding now because that’s so embarrassing. But no, that’s not even the humiliating part of this date. It gets worse when they’re asked to feel each other up and then strip in front of the lady wearing a tube top and a scarf. These two prudes get real uncomfy undressing and smearing chocolate on each other (I can’t understand why) and opt for talking about their feelings instead. Oh and Carly sits on his lap, flattens his boner and they breathe into each other’s mouths Darth Vader style. Seriously, Chris I think you have a deviated septum, stop snarling while you breathe. They rape each other’s mouths after this breathing exercise and mushroom cut guru stares on from a mere inch away.

I understand the date name now.

Later on, Carly admits next to a crackling fire that her last boyfriend thought she was disgusting and wouldn’t touch her. She talks about how insecure she is about being an ugly woman who guys don’t want to sex. Chris reassures her by telling her she’s cool and smart like he’s signing her yearbook in 8^th grade. She gets a rose and admits this is the first reciprocate relationship she’s had in a while and I hate to be the one to remind her that he’s also dating 10 other women.

“I’m Rapidly Falling In Love” Group Date

They all go white water rafting and Jade gets tossed from the raft and of course she also happens to have a condition that gives her hypothermia in normal temperatures so she gets a personal foot rub to warm up from Chris. Kelsey turns into the green-eyed monster and begins her swan dive off the deep end that will culminate in a staged panic attack at the end of this episode. Stay Tuned.

Hey everyone remember Jordan? She always had an IV of wine hooked up and she twerked on the bathroom wall then demanded Chris kiss her before he finally did, when he kissed her goodbye. Jordan makes a triumphant return asking for a sober second chance but also sneaking in the confession that she definitely has a drinking problem. Chris brings Jordan to the group date and Becca genuinely looks like Chris has just walked in with a yeti on his arm. The rest of the date is spent assembling a verdict for letting Jordan stay or not. Chris interviews the girls like they’re part of a jury to vote Boozy off the island. Jordan feels uncomfortable because all the girls obviously hate her for stealing their time; she goes to the bathroom for just long enough that I’m concerned she’s found the bar instead. Everyone tells Chris that it’s his decision but with their eyes they say that his decision should be to send Jordan home. Sack up and learn how to say no, Chris.

Finally after ruining the group date, he takes Jordan aside and tells her to kick rocks. She has a dramatic goodbye with the girls who just talked shit about her and she hugs every girl. Kelsey brings her in tight, pets her hair and whispers, “I’ll always admire you,” as she snips a lock of Jordan’s hair to add to her potion later. Whitney gets the rose for being there for the “right reasons.” KardASHLEY cries about it because she hasn’t thrown a tantrum yet this episode. Later she bitches to Mackenzie, her soundboard about how Whitney is a fake asshole who hates her for no reason. Note: KardASHLEY is wearing a top as a dress, yet there’s no black censor box, apparently Jillian took it with her when she left.

“Sky’s The Limit” with Britt

Britt gets the date card and immediately bursts into tears not because Carly just told her to shower for once, but because she’s deathly afraid of heights. Chris wakes Britt up for their date at 430AM and he’s really impressed with how she looks in the morning, probably because she has a full face of makeup on, including red lipstick. Britt let’s leave it to Beyonce to wake up like this, k? Carly has to watch them make out and is pezzed at Britt, the dirty old sock on the suite floor. Britt and Chris take a sunrise hot air balloon ride and Britt shows absolutely no fear of heights. Hmm…Could she be bi-curious AND dramatic?

Chris takes her back to his hotel room where Britt tells Chris that she wants 100 kids. Apparently Chris is into saggy vaginas that drag on the ground because he gives her the rose. They have some sloppy kisses and Chris shows her what’s behind door #3. Hint: it’s his penis. Back at the Mexican house, the ladies eat taquitos and talk shit about Britt and how she showers once a year and told them she doesn’t want to get married or have kids. They all agree Britt is a hoebag and also a fleabag. Later, Britt recaps for the girls and confirms their fears, “we ordered room service and took a nap.” That’s what the kids are calling hide the snake these days? Ok, Britt. And just because I feel like I’m stingy with the compliments, I’ll add that Britt’s hair was ON POINT for this date, clean or full of bugs, it didn’t matter because her glossy mane got her a one way ticket to Poundtown.

Kelsey hears about this “nap” and it lights a fire under her sensible shoes. After revealing to KardASHLEY and her minion (Mackenzie) the story of her husband dying earlier in the episode, Kelsey feels like she must tell Chris before the rose ceremony. She surprises Chris in his hotel room. Kelsey tells the tale of Sanderson Poe, her husband and also the character from a 1950’s story. She shows some emotion when telling it this time around (as opposed to, “SHIT HAPPENS HAHA” earlier with the girls.) The story now has a happy ending, because Kelsey gets her first kiss from Chris. Kelsey thanks her dead husband, who is probably watching over her with a monocle, for guaranteeing her pity rose and smooch. Also would we put it past Kelsey to murder someone? Just throwing it out there, but it will quickly be redacted if Kelsey ever reads this, for my own safety of course.

Chris tries to give a pre-rose speech about his emotional talk with Kelsey. GODDAMNIT, CHRIS PULL IT TOGETHER. Britt strokes Kelsey’s arm as she reveals how she snuck into Chris’s room to honor Sanderson, the greatest detective in Winston County. Kelsey turns on the tears to distract the dumbos around her from what she’s actually saying, which is that her husband died, Chris will obviously keep her around and she’ll cut a bitch that gets in her way.

Chris wah wahs to C.Harrison and wants to skip the social because he already knows whom he wants to cut loose. The girls are informed that they’ll be skipping right to the delete portion of the night and Kelsey announces that she doesn’t even want to do a rose ceremony because apparently she’s nervous Chris might’ve found her witches potion in her room that will trick him into marrying her. RIGHT after this little comment, Kelsey disappears and wouldn’t you know she has a very loud and aggress panic attack on the floor of the hallway. Is it too late for a last minute Oscar nom? I’ll find out. TO BE CONTINUED.

Roses (So Far): Carly, Whitney, Britt

Best Quotes:

“The hats & sombreros that they wear in Mexico, I don’t know if they wear that in New Mexico. I’m excited, I’ve never been out of the country” -Helmet Megan showing the damage her brain suffered courtesy of Chris’s brick wall. She also dons a sombrero at the end to show everyone that she’s racist. Indians and Mexicans are the same HAHA it’s FUNNY cause I’m wearing a BIG HAT.

“I just don’t think that you like her.”-Mackenzie trying to rationalize the babble that’s dribbling from KardASHLEY’s perfect red pout about Whitney being fake.

“Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic, but it’s amazing.”-Kelsey reciting a line from her future Lifetime movie about the murder of Chris Soules.

“This is harder than I thought it’d be.”-Chris crying about dating multiple women every single week.

“Now it’s just a big comparison game of sad stories.” –KardASHLEY summing up the plot of The Bachelor in one sentence. Who has a more depressing story? You’re CAST in this season of The Bachelor. Please inappropriately share it on national TV. Sorry that you’re only a virgin, KardASHLEY. Dem’s the pits.

Tune in next week to see an ambulance arrive and Kelsey pop up from the floor to admit she was just practicing a scene from Gone with the Wind. KardASHLEY cries some more and will we EVER find out who the hell Samantha is? Seriously, is this common for someone who’s never spoken to be kept around for this many weeks? Feel free to chime in on that.

Television

Super Bowl 49 Recap: Bitch Killed My Vibe

DISCLAIMER: There will be absolutely not talk of football in this recap. It was a close game and that’s all I understood. This is strictly commercials & halftime talk.

The Sunday Scaries are a very real thing. It’s the end of the weekend and you’re done boozing/sleeping and back to the work grind the next day. The Super Bowl is a rare Sunday where you can extend the weekend just by a little bit with friends, buffalo dip, wangz and beer. Except for this year apparently because every advertiser in America got together and decided funny ads are overrated…let’s do something different this year…let’s make every ad real heavy and depressing while everyone’s trying to have a good time. IT’LL BE AWESOME. Here are the most memorable moments of wrist-slitting commercials:

–TWERKING. Any and all mention of this were in attempt to be funny and on trend and were really just sad. An actual dog twerking is everything I never knew I was afraid of. Also the “What is the internet?” commercial with Couric & Gumbel had potential that was curbstomped by the mention of twerking.

–Chevy thinks they’re clever AF and has an ad that cuts to black- making everyone in America think that their overpaid cable company has ruined their night. Hey Chevy, we get it, we all rely on technology way too hard–it’s like when someone farts at a party, we all know it but it doesn’t need to be pointed out.

–Coca Cola takes on internet bullying and tries to tell us that by spilling a bottle of coke, everyone on the internet stops being assholes and gets happy, instead of just having a really sticky soda mess.

–Nissan kicks off the sobfest with a little live action Cat’s in the Cradle. Literally CAT’S IN THE CRADLE. ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME UGLY CRY? I’M GONNA BE LIKE YOU, DAD, YOU KNOW I’M GONNA BE LIKE YOU. Hey racecar Dad, pay attention to your son before he offs himself.

-Of course the most uplifting commercial of the night award goes to Nationwide for their storytelling of a kid who is listing all of the things he never gets to do and hey quick spoiler alert: it’s cause he’s dead. Why is he dead? Because of an accident. Did you know that the number one cause of childhood deaths is preventable accidents? WELL NOW YOU DO BECAUSE A DEAD KID RUINED YOUR SUNDAY NIGHT. Three cheers for the internet though because they got their hands right on that and made it surprisingly upbeat:

-An old guy losing his viagra and not being able to make things happen apparently has to do with the Fiat. Sad Boner Jamz.

–Go Daddy tries to sneak it by us that they totally didn’t release a commercial a week ago that promoted puppy abuse by airing an ad tonight that’s sympathetic to small business owners not being able to watch the game because they’re working. Wompp womppp. People don’t forget, you puppy haters.

-A collection of quite literally the oldest people in America giving everyone life advice, it’s supposed to be uplifting because they set it to the tone of Born to be Wild and showed a bunch of Dodges doing donuts but in reality it made me think about how these people are 1000 years old and probably had their licenses revoked 20 years ago and will be dead by next month. C’mon Dodge.

–McDonald’s tries to inspire some tears with their “Pay with Lovin” campaign and they ask people to call their mom or do a dance as a form of currency for their 4 Big Macs that they’re probably going to house in their car and dispose of the evidence…This is the happiest I have ever seen any human working at McD’s. Nice try. Gimme my burger and let me eat my feelings. Get outta here with that nonsense.

–Jeff Bridges stared at someone and shouted “OHHHMMMM” while they slept. Still trying to figure out what that was advertising.

-Kim K poked fun at herself, omg guyz she’s soooo humble and has SUCH a good sense of humor. Also this ad made me learn something new, T-Mobile is still in business and is doing well enough to afford Kim K (and later Chelsea Handler, Sarah Silverman) AND a Super Bowl spot. Mind bottling. (Another cell phone company I thought was out of biz: Sprint, and they should be after using screaming goats in their ad.)

–Always does a “let’s take a real hard look at feminism” commercial where they ask boys vs. girls what it looks like to run like a girl and fight like a girl, etc. Of course the boys make us all look like baby bitches who suck at life and it makes everyone remember that boys are part of the He-Man Woman Haters Club. I’m surprised they also didn’t remind us at the end that we don’t make as much as men either. ENOUGH WITH THE DOWNERS!

-New TV show called “The Slap” gets a slot to show us that they’ve centered an entire series around an adult slapping a child. (Props to writers for that astute title.) THIS IS REAL NETWORK TELEVISION, GUYS. Rough night for kids though, dropping dead and getting slapped.

Funniest of the night:

The new 50 shades trailer/teaser with Christian showing Anastasia to his play room and she asked if that’s where he kept his XBox. I believe this is the only commercial I laughed out loud to and it wasn’t supposed to be funny.

Too Deep:

-The ad that used a voiceover of JFK talking about how we are part of the sea and we will return to the sea while showing majestic oceans and skylines was for CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES? I’ve been on a carnival cruise line and they should be sued for the whole load of bullshit false advertising they just laid on us. The only acceptable ad for Carnival should be dirty kids everywhere and a cruise ship full of people standing on the decks learning how to tighten their life vests because that LITERALLY sums up that cruise.

–Jeep showed inspirational landscapes and shots from all over the world to the tune of This Land is Your Land. Uh, nope, I’m pretty sure you can’t drive your Jeep through Asia. T it down with the worldly travels of a car.

Overrated:

The several teasers of the Rally commercials that show celebs “getting ready to rally” and the final product is a full spot of just a bunch of different people screaming. Cool. #SuperBowlRally

Best of the bunch:

–Mindy’s Nationwide commercial mostly because it didn’t involve dead children and also because Mindy is the bees knees. She thinks she’s invisible until she goes to lay one on Matt Damon and he’s like grl, chill. She tries to snag a selfie too.

-The Budweiser Best Buds commercial, obviously. We all saw it beforehand but it didn’t make it any less adorbs the 20th time around.

-The Bud Light commercial, because I would also like to get hammered and play human Pacman while everyone cheered me on.

-The Jamaican rap and slew of middle aged fanny pack wearin’ dancers for a glue called Loctite.

-The Snickers Brady Bunch recreation–I guess just for the guest roles, because I still didn’t think it was hilarious. Clearly searching for commercials to include in this list.

Halftime Show:

I’m not a Katy Perry girl…as you all know I’m on Team Taylor 4 Lyfe–so I wasn’t looking forward to this show but I’ll try not to be too harsh because I do agree that after having like 6 solid years of old geezer halftime shows because the network was a little nipple-shy, it’s a welcome change to have pop stars performing again. Here’s the show highlights:

-KT opens with Roar and rides in on a mechanical version of the Cave of Wonders, Boy from Aladdin. She’s wearing a replica of the Flamin Hot Cheetos bag.

-She does Dark Horse next and there’s lots and lots of robots. Also cool 3-D stage effects that entertain me more than her singing does. (Note: everyone on Twitter who said she sounded great, it’s because her vocals were mastered in a studio, not sung live. DUHz.)

-Lenny Kravitz appears wearing an open leather jacket and a sparkle tank from Forever 21. They sing I Kissed A Girl and Katy gets real rock n’ roll by flipping her ponytail a lot. Lenny is then excused to return to the land of blanket scarves and irrelevant singers.

-OUTFIT CHANGE: Beach Ball coordinates and a trippy beach scene straight out of Gullah Gullah Island is set up for Teenage Dream and California Girls. There’s sharks (with legs), palm trees and beach balls all with googly eyes and moving mouths. So basically Katy wants to give us all a new nightmare theme. I can assure you it’s stuck in my mind forever. Seriously the beach balls are stoned, right?

-There’s also a hideous 50’s polka dot bikinis and matching sneaks dancing segment:

-My main bitch Missy Misdemeanor Elliott appears and SAVES THE SHOW. She’s wearing a Nascar jumpsuit and sings Get Your Freak On and Work It with Katy mostly just dancing in a jacket and no pants. As she should be. Don’t get in Missy’s way. There’s some video game effects, Katy contributes almost nothing and Missy whips that sassy weave around, performs Lose Control and goes back into musical retirement I’m assuming. Which is a real shame cause she kills it.

-Final number is Firework and Katy dons a sparkle star dress, suspended in the air and riding over the crowd on the More You Know Star and DUH there’s fireworks. Lots of them. The End.

Grade: Better than last year’s but WILL NEVER BE BETTER THAN:

FINAL SCORE: PATRIOTS WIN BECAUSE THEY WALKED OUT TO CRAZY TRAIN AND THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS WALKED OUT TO BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY LIKE A BUNCH OF 13 YEAR OLDS AT A SLUMBER PARTY.

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Category Archives: Television