RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills-“Drama Queens”

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It’s a new week and a new event to publicly fight at and I’m feeling very blessed that Kyle decided to throw a gay mixer for attention because it’s the perfect platform for Round 2 in the Sister vs BFF Battle Royale. But first we must focus on the prep for the party so that Kyle can bask in the glow of a party planning spotlight. While setting up the tops and bottoms gay mixer, Kyle appoints herself spokeswoman for her gays because she’d like to be the whistleblower on their casual sex preferences. Officer Kyle wants to keep the gays off Grindr and onto penetrating at a party she hosts instead so she can get full credit.

While Kyle debates if she would be a top or a bottom, or most likely both, so as not to be outdone…Yo and David are going to Italy for a charity event with Andrea Bocelli and George Clooney. It’s unclear whether the charity event is in fact Clooney’s wedding to “the most fascinating woman in America” according to Barbara Walters. Yo packs and tells us, “My husband is very generous because he’s willing to travel all over the world for charity.” If someone paid for me to go to Italy I would be reaaallll charitable too. I love the fact that Yo is gallivanting around NYC and Italy and doing genuinely cool things instead of becoming a trashmonster by association who watches women use their spikey bracelets to physically harm one another. Stay pure, Yoli.

Mizz Ice Queen, shows a thawed out side this week as her son Max is interested in finding out his heritage. Apparently Lisa wasn’t prepared for her adopted son to ever wonder about his birth parents. Lisa, have you ever watched a television show in your life? That’s literally what every adopted child does as soon as they’re old enough. She finally agrees to let him look into it. I suspect it comes down to one question: MAX, ARE YOUR BIRTH PARENTS GOING TO HAVE SWANS IN THEIR FRONT YARD? No competition. I rest my case.

Brandi visits Kim who has finally been released from the hospital and is wearing a coordinated leopard sweatsuit with her hair styled and blush suited for a haunted porcelain doll, just puttsing around the house. Kim was in the hospital for a week with a hernia and some broken ribs from… coughing? Can we get a doctors’ note on this? Things aren’t adding up here. Brandi wonders aloud, “What is a hernia anyway?” Kim’s only reply is a juicy coughing fit. Safe to say she doesn’t know either. Kyle and Kim also have a heart to heart where Kim admits that before going to the poker party, Monty said, “Take one of my pain pills, it will make you feel better.” Kim opened wide and he tossed it in her mouth like she was catching a cheeseball as a party trick while his body continued to wither away on her couch. Something tells me Kim would take candy from a man in a rape van without questioning it. Apparently it was a pill for Monty’s cancer, which is totally interchangeable for hernias and stuff. Is this enough evidence to present a case for a live-in RN at Kim’s house? Just wondering. Anyway, apparently the sisters forgive and forget and cry a little because they love each other forever and ever.

It’s the night of the Gays, FINALLY. Kyle wears a turquoise sparkle stretch mini with her melons (literally she has to keep tugging to keep her nipples from coming out to play) and ass out, cause like she’s partying with gays so it’s FINE to dress like a 20 year old at a club. The rest of the housewives follow suit, confirming every woman’s stereotype that she can dress slutty around gays because they’re not interested. Does that mean that I can dress slutty at work because my female boss isn’t interested orrrr does it not apply in this sitch? Pls advise. Each housewife brings a few gays like they brought a few old dresses from their closet to Lisa’s homeless teen luncheon a few weeks ago. They try to pair their last season gays off like mating pandas the second they walk in the door. The mixer game of the night is guess the celeb on your back with yes or no questions. Rinna and Lisa kiss to get Kyle to guess Katy Perry and it’s not how the game is supposed to be played but who caaaaress because friends kissing is OK at a tops and bottoms party.

Kim (or the producers who slyly rub their hands together and dream up ways to create confrontation) decides to bring uninvited Brandi to the party to mend the fences. On the way over, Brandi totes thinks that they can just sweep the poker brawl under the rug and blame it on the booze, blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alch-a-haul. It becomes clear as soon as she shows up that Kyle will be hitting the booze to cope with Brandi’s party crashing ways. Drink up, girl. You need a straw? Let’s get things started. In no time, both women have done their best to work the room and get everyone at the party separately involved in their fight by gossiping and seeking advice from them. I’m assuming before the gays pair off they ask if the other is Team Brandi or Team Kyle. (For the record, if anyone’s wondering I’m Team Neither, or Team Yolanda, if you will.)

In the first heat of the night, Kyle gets herself worked up talking to her handler ladysitter, recalling everything Brandi has ever done to her. With the visions of Brandi accusing Mauricio of cheating dancing in her head, Kyle storms over to Brandi, Kim and Lisa and delivers a very gritty apology for pushing Brandi’s arm down BUT also told Brandi she should’ve never gotten in the middle of sisters. Lisa scampers away as fast as her sky high glitter pumps will take her and it is ON like Donkey Kong. Kyle has obviously set Brandi up to fill in the blanks for a return apology. Oh sweet, dumb Kyle, when has Brandi ever backed down and let someone put words in her mouth? Brandi tells Kyle, I accept your apology but I know everything about you and your sis, so shut up. Kyle takes this really well. Just kidding she loses her shit and starts throwing F bombs at Brandi and telling her that she’s a disgusting uninvited rude bitch piece of dirty garbage. I might be paraphrasing here. Kim and Brandi look at Kyle half amused and half scared, hoping that she’ll tire herself out from her tantrum and put herself down for a nappy soon enough.

Brandi defends herself by saying that she actually helped plan this party (and there’s a flashback to prove it, thank God for the constant camera crews otherwise we wouldn’t have this evidence.) Kyle denies everything and continues to spiral further and further into her meltdown. At one point she yells this at Brandi, “You know what they say. If you meet more than one asshole a day then most likely you’re the asshole.” If that isn’t the words of the prophets that were written on the subway wall, then I don’t know what is. I will forever live my life by that statement. More than one asshole=I’m an asshole. Got it, Kyle. Brandi feels threatened that Kyle might grab her arm again, to which Kyle shouts that it was her EFFING SHARP BRACELET, NOT HER. At this point I’m huddled in the corner of my room, a blanket covering my eyes, reminding myself that this fight comes down to a byproduct of jewelry scratches. Brandi doesn’t care if a diamond scratched her or Kyle did because she wants to knock Kyle’s teeth out. Classic. There’s a few more “disgustings” thrown around, a “your husband doesn’t want you” and finally the tried and true, “you hurt my feelings” from Kim, mixed with ever flowing tears of course. EVERYONE CUT IT OUT WITH THE FIGHTING, KIM’S FEELINGS ARE HURT. Let’s all write each other one fuzzy wuzzy, apologize and hug and we’ll move on to snack time. Will we make it to snack time or will someone need a new set of front veneers first? Stay tuned to see the continuation next week of the only club the gays don’t love—Fight Club.

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