After leaving off in December with some SHOCKING revelations that kept me awake for many restless nights in January, I was truly relieved to see how everything turned out for country music’s finest boozed, beaten and unmarried. As you can imagine, after calling of her wedding 10 minutes before even though she knew she was in love with Deacon the minute she started dating Luke, Rayna was on full damage control. Apparently Luke was mad about getting dumped on his wedding day, and he takes his anger out on their wedding cake via his truck. Ooohhh, yeah you drive into that wedding cake, Luke, show it how mad you are. (Or just mail it to me, because wasting cake should be a crime.)

Anyway, Rayna must tell the girls that the wedding is off because they’re basically waiting for her in their dresses. Seriously, Rayna you couldn’t have gotten an earlier start with cancelling your wedding day? Rayna breaks the news to her little snotrockets and Tandie, the mysterious pinned back pixie cut. Madz is back to walking the campaign trail of Deacon and Rayna (AKA Mom and Dad) Forever. I wouldn’t be surprised if she sneaky sets up a wedding for them Parent Trap style. Daphz throws a tantrum because she liked Luke a lot and Sage was going to be her sister. I’m assuming she forgot about the sister she already has, who she also spends every minute with. Hey Daphne, Rayna is moving on from Luke and probably bouncing back to Deacon now, try to keep up. Don’t get attached.

We should get attached to Layla, however, because apparently she’s here to stay. Yep, that’s right, Layla did not die face down in a pool at a party that her gay husband was boinking another woman at. Layla pretty much sums up her existence when she wakes up at the hospital and admits to Will, “I tried to kill myself and couldn’t even get that right.” Apparently her failures at life were inspiring to Will because he decided to finally tippy toe out of the closet. He tells Jeff Fordham about the reality footage and good ole Jeff threatens the producer to shut down the reality show or he’ll ruin her and probably also have sex with her. Speaking of sex, remember when Jeff had sex with Layla and then handed her a bottle of pills to stop bothering him when he had other options? Jeff’s bro Mayor Teddy came through in the clutch. Teddy does some dirty work when he meets with a cop and says let’s sweep this little hookers, blow, face down in a pool incident under the rug, shall we Chief of Police? It’s all for the sake of music education, you see.

Someone who could truly use music education is the world’s most annoying child, Micah. He sings and plays a duet with his NOT REAL dad Gunnar and I have to mop up my vomit all over the place from how queer it is. They even high five at the end. Nope. Gunnar goes to paternity court with the grandparents and finally tells Micah that he’s actually Uncle Gunz. Side note: If Gunnar was my uncle this is ABSOLUTELY what I would call him. What a boss nickname. Micah FREAKS out like a wittle bitch and runs into his grandparents’ arms. I would expect nothing less from a kid who gets lost going to the bathroom. He chooses his grandparents to live with and DON’T TEASE ME NASHVILLE; get him OUTTA here for good.

Let’s pick things up for a second with newlyweds Avery and Juliette and their future baby that they didn’t mention once this episode. Sorry, they did when Juliette said once this baby comes I want a real honeymoon. Ummmm, once that baby comes you have to be a MOM, Juliette. I know. It’s tough to understand. Anyway they’re all in love and newly wedded bliss and forgetting the fact that Juliette got porked by Jeff Fordham in the bathroom of a party full of sleazy music execs. They have a classic newlywed fight when Avery moves all his shit in and Juliette thinks it’s ugly and wants it outta there. They make up 10 minutes later because they’re in LOOOURRVEEE, guys. Can’t wait till that baby slides out and they leave it on Jeff Fordham’s doorstep on their way to Hawaii.

Sadie, on the other hand, won’t be leaving town any time soon because her ex husband is lurking ready to beat the shit out of her. She goes to buy a gun and her only ID is her massive black eye and the most common fake name in America. She midas whale have said her name was Jane Doe. Remind me to Google gun purchasing laws in Tennessee, because this didn’t look promising. She goes home and writes/performs a song—the chorus is “I don’t wanna write a sad song” and it sounds like the saddest song in the world. Good work, Sadie. Pete comes back and is all sorry girl, my B. Let me in, I have cookies–as she has her gun cocked behind the door ready to fire. I guess she doesn’t want cookies. She finally gets some sense when she documents her black eye and fills out an order of protection instead of relying on her illegally purchased gun to keep her safe.

Ok, back to the love triangle that is actually not a triangle at all. After ruining the cake, Luke charges on over to Deacon’s looking for Rayna to be naked in his bed (we all were, Luke.) They get in a physical altercation, and by that I mean Luke gets sassy and Deacon immediately punches him in the face and then whispers “Wheels up, jackass” in his grill and it’s just as glorious as “Welcome to the OC, Bitch”. Deacon continues with his smug little smirk of a man whose won and shows up to Rayna’s looking to B-O-N-E. He’s sent packing by weird hair Tandie and goes to his doctor’s appointment. Deacon learns he needs a liver transplant or chemo because TUMOR. Scarlett jumps to donate but she’s not the right blood type. I know that all of this is vital and serious medical information but WHO is this doctor? He’s a smoke and deserves to be a full time character. Who can we hook him up with? Fingers crossed for more of Dr. Sexy. Oh and I guess that Deacon doesn’t die too.

Luke wishes he could die as he shoots bottles of Cristal in his backyard. Rayna has the nerve to show her face again while her ex-fiancé is yielding a gun. Luke turns into a bitchy cheerleader and says he knew from day one that he should have never been with Rayna because DEACON OF COURSE. He also basically tells her you’re welcome for making your career what it is, SEE YA BITCH. Rayna wants to get ahead of the rumors Luke will eventually blab to the paps so she makes a statement casj making it sound like she didn’t totes stomp all over Luke’s precious heart. Luke maturely responds by turning their supposed wedding into a big private concert. At this concert he plays the FIRST Luke Wheeler song I’ve ever liked. YAAASSS. Drunken surly woman-hating Luke for the win!! I almost wished that Rayna would appear in the crowd and tell Luke No; YOU’RE welcome for a career, because it’s clear he’ll thrive from heartbreak songs, courtesy of Ray-Ray.

And finally the Team Deaconites get their wish when Rayna goes to him and delivers a beautiful and touching love speech. She’s loved him since the first time she laid eyes on him. Sigh. She still loves him. Swoon. She almost married Luke because she didn’t want to deal with Deacon’s booziness. Wait, what? She asks for some time because duh she hasn’t had enough yet. Deacon replies, “You take as much time as you need… But I’ll probably already be dead, no biggie, also do you happen to have an extra liver lying around?” JUST KITTEN, guys. He doesn’t tell her he has mere weeks to live. Deacon wants to take care of Rayna instead of being a freeloading drunk asshole so he’s gonna keep it from her. These two keeping secrets from each other every time they get back together is pretty much always a success story so this is really comforting. We have about 2 weeks until this implodes so enjoy their love while you can!

Oh, and lastly my underrated favorite saga of the night was when Maddie calls Colt to fight Rayna & Luke’s battles. Ah young love. WE WILL NEVER HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN she shouts at Colt after he takes Luke’s side. JK they reunite 10 minutes later and the sexual tension is THROUGH THE ROOF, cause it’s no longer incest guys, so it’s AOK.