I missed the first fifteen minutes of last night’s episode and although I can never come to terms with missing a bitch fight at a tops and bottoms party, I can also assume that what I missed didn’t amount to much. We saw the meat of this fight last week and I’m guessing what continued this week was more hysterics, more booze and more of Kyle’s chicken wings soaring through the air as she over-animatedly points and jabs at Kim as Brandi grabs “her gay” and slinks away into the cool Hollywood air.
Brandi is fully on the defense this episode as she tries to rationalize to all her haters why she is such a twat. She doesn’t really present a good argument when she declares that she pushes the envelope because her mother always taught her that if everyone is talking about her she’s okay but it’s when everyone stops talking about her that it’s bad news bears. Brandi will never apologize to Kyle. She would also like the same publicist as Chelsea Handler because it bothers her that Chels can say whatever she wants and get away with it whereas Brandi gets drunk, tells someone their husband doesn’t want them and suddenly everyone’s on her case.
Yo invites Brandi over to do yoga with a beautiful muscly bald man. Yo is trying to trick Brandi into being a calmer human being who doesn’t threaten to knock someone’s teeth out at a party. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the downward dog doesn’t cure her because as they chat afterwards, Yo tries telling Brandi that everyone’s talking about her being a raging alcoholic and Brandi gets preeettyyy sassy. Her rebuttal is to point out that “people” say Bella is an alcoholic, but she’s not soooo s’all good. Everyone in America knows to never take a jab at Yolanda’s children and she gets amped up about this personal attack from Brandi. I dig that Yolanda stands up for herself and tells Brandi to cut the shit because she’s the only one trying to defend her and help her out of this big lake of wine that Brandi has drowned herself in. Brandi swears she wasn’t attacking Yolanda and says, “Everything I do is for my children.” Hey B, just to clarify, when you sloshed a glass of wine in Eileen’s face was that for your children? You can get back to me on that one.
In attempts to make Eileen a more crucial part of the show, the girls get together to attend the Burbank Film Festival at a shopping mall amongst commoners to support Eileen’s new film. On the way over there’s ample time to talk shit about Brandi and Kim who were selectively not invited. Rinna keeps calling them both addicts and completely expects Brandi to come after her. She knows she’s dug herself a grave with all these aggress finger-pointing comments and she’s already picked out a Louie body bag. I love the fact that Rinna is self-aware in her shit-talking. She also figures out that Brandi loves attention good or bad and hmm that makes me think of Brandi’s motto to live by she just revealed about five minutes ago. COULD IT BE?! Did we figure out the secret to Brandi’s success? AND ALSO ALL OF HOLLYWOOD?
Once they get to the theater, Kyle pretends to be joking about how most people go to Cannes and they’re at the Burbank Film Festival. She’s saying it in a funny voice like she thinks it’s hilar but we know sweet, self-absorbed, Kyle and her eyes are saying that she can’t even with this D List festival and she’s about to text Paris Hilton and beg for a plus one to her next celebrity event. Kyle doesn’t slum it. The girls hit up the concession stand for soda, hot dogs and popcorn that we all know they’re just pretending to eat on camera to make them look like cool girls who don’t care about what they eat (Also the same reason Kyle has Fatburger at her INFAMOUS white party every year.) While they’re attacking wieners and making sexual jokes, Eileen is working the 1 camera, 6 inch red carpet being interviewed by a man who doesn’t evne know what soap she stars in. Poor, poor Eileen is made to look like a real trash monster at this festival and I’m guessing this is how we keep the housewives grounded. The ladies move into the theater and lay napkins down on the red polyester seats to create a safe nest to rest their designer gowns upon. The movie starts and it’s a space flick called Stranger on a Pentagon. The mere 1 minute that we see is God awful and I can only imagine what it would’ve been like to sit through it full-length. The girls are shocked to see something so terrible and at a SHOPPING MALL nonetheless, not even the privacy of their home theater. They tell Eileen that she did a good job in a tone that really says that movie was garbage and you should have paid me for coming here today.
After the movie premiere from hell, Lisa is licking Gigi when Max walks in smelling of booze. She gets real judgey with him about going out on the town and he calls Lisa out for partying when he was a small child. She doesn’t really deny it. He has his genealogy results in one of the most drawn out subplots of Housewives ever. Spoiler alert: he’s Scandinavian and Irish. They show some pictures of Lisa pre-plastic surgery holding a baby Max and it’s the most shocking thing to ever happen on this show. Human moments from Lisa Vanderpump with a younger face. They have a moment when Max tells Lisa that she’ll always be his mom and she says good, now fetch me a cup of tea.
Eileen tries to bring Kim and Kyle together because her sister just died, and she lost another one of her sisters 4 years ago. She wants to teach these two vapid former child actors that life is short while she acts as the therapeutic mediator in a public place. As we’ve learned, public places are always great for these sorts of things. It starts out tame with I love you’s from both sides. Suddenly, the background music heightens and so does the shouting. Kyle doesn’t appreciate being made to look like a shitty sister and also being told her husband hates her. Kim doesn’t appreciate how Kyle has neglected her addiction and continues her love affair with Brandi, the BFF. Eileen immediately regrets everything. And to be clear, for someone who had a poker party that ended in a brawl in her driveway, I’m a little perturbed as to why Eileen thought this would go smoothly. Kim wants Eileen to butt out, because she’s basically wearing horn-rimmed glasses and taking notes at this point. Just because you’ve played a therapist in outer space (probably), doesn’t mean you are one, GURL.
The episode closes on the meeting of two leopards, Brandi and Rinna. Even though they look like a couple of matching idiots auditioning for The Jersey Shore, it’s completely glossed over and Rinna says real talk: why are you such a bitch, Brandi? Brandi tells Rinna that she has a temper blah blah blah and that she’s Kim’s only BFF and it’s a lot of pressure for her to handle. Brandi legit can’t even with being Kim’s only friend. Since she’s also known for being a blabbermouth she basically spills the beans that Kim’s probz no longer sober but she can’t really prove it. Apparently if Brandi called Kim out she would die. So we’re definitely not being dramats about this. Rinna takes the reins and admits, “You all need an intervention.” And I go to bed tonight praying that Rinna stages a full-on Housewives intervention.