Pop Culture

Justin Timber-Tuesday

What’s Timber-Tuesday, you ask? It’s something that I recently decided should probably be a thing. Do I need a specific reason to write a blog dedicated to Justin Timberlake and all of his fantastic qualities? No, I do not, because I run The Salty Ju and you don’t so HA. Sometimes, you get to Tuesday and realize the whole week is still ahead of you and you just need a little JT to make it better. We all know that Justin is the King of Pop and releases bangers on bangers, but he’s also funny as shit (especially with his BFF JFall) and devilishly handsome. So to get you closer to hump day (wink), here’s a tune, a skit and a model shot of ya boy JT.

Ear Candy

This song is from 2002 and I could still probably listen to it 100 times a day. It’s Justin at his cockiest and although you might have to look past the knit hat (and the doo rag, and the fedora, obviously the 2000’s were a trial period for headwear) in this video, it’s also pretty gr8. Normally I’m against mid or pre-song talking but I think we can all agree that it’s AOK when Justin does it. Dance moves+Swag+Falsetto=The Best Kind of JT. DRUMS.

Laugh Candy (we’ll work on that one)

Probably my favorite JFall-JT sketch of all time and there are many. Even Madonna couldn’t ruin it for me, and that’s saying a lot. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t see the real Barry Gibb without laughing because all I can think of is these two goobs.

Eye Candy

BOOM. GQ. Droolz.

Ok, I think I can make it through the week now.

Pop Culture, Television

Lauren Conrad Nuggets of Wisdom

It’s been a beat since I’ve dedicated a blog to my gurl LC, I figure once a month is appropriate even though realistically I could do once a week. I’m trying really hard not to force my girl crushes down your throat. You’re welcome. Anyway, ever since I made the wise and empowered executive decision to round out my DVD box set of The Hills with seasons 3/4 (5-6 don’t count because LC peaced up outta that bitch and the show went to shambles) I’ve been logging an episode per day, soaking in the young adult carefree lifestyle I should be living, full of laying by the pool and nightclubbin’ on weekdays. Instead I’ve been shackled to my apt for months because mass transportation couldn’t handle the 10 tons of snow, but whatever, because I’m still able to really hear the wisdom that LC dishes out to her friends, and I’ve decided to gather her smartest nuggets of unsolicited advice for all of you to consider. Let’s take a few minutes to attend the church of Lauren Conrad and reflect on what she preaches.

1. Go with your gut, but use your head.

Ah one of the many Laurenisms uttered in reference to Justin Bobby. LC knew from the start that JBobz was a real handful but that she couldn’t share her real opinion unless she wanted to be THAT friend who dumps on every guy her BFFs choose. It was just too soon after the Speidi/LC fallout. So instead she spoke in Chinese fortunes when Audrina would ask for her opinion. This is pretty smart of LC because she was being clear that JB was a poor choice, but saying it in a way that would be too hard for Audrina to figure out, because she would have to use her brain, something that was far too difficult for a girl who stared at the ceiling for an entire 6 season series.

with using my brain.

2. I think that every guy can change with the right girl.

This is more of a hopeful piece of wisdom. Girl’s got her head in the clouds full of taming bad boys (ahem Jason). LC might’ve been tooting her own horn a little bit here but it’s nice to think that playboys can be tamed. We’ll take this one with a grain of salt.

Dat Bad Boy Lyfe

3. Love is not a maybe thing, you know when you love someone.

LC said this to zero brainwave activity Heidi when they were still friends, Heidi had her original rack and was considering dumping Jordan the hedgehog hired boyfriend from South Carolina. Heidi was all, I think Jordan is mean to me and stuff but I really like having a boyfriend. And when LC asked if she loved him, Heidi had to ask herself if love and sex were different. She was still unsure when LC dropped this truth bomb.

4. You weren’t being over-sensitive, he was being over-asshole.

This is a sassy piece of word vomit from LC that should be bible. Any time a guy treats you like a piece of garbage (in this case it was Justin Bobby…could it really have been about anyone else?) you remember that LC said it’s his fault and not yours!

5. All there is left to do is forgive and forget. So I wanna forgive you and I wanna forget you.

I mean this is a big one. The tell off to Heidi, once and for all. The inner struggle of never forgetting what a shitty friend she was but also wanting that old friendship back. The best part about the whole conversation is that once she lays this beatdown out there, Heidi responds with, “Ok, it was great seeing you.” Realistically how do you respond to LC telling you she would like to forget you exist? Burn City- Population: Heidi Montag.

6. Nobody’s had the best relationships in the past. That’s why they end.

What a modern day love guru LC is when she tries to reassure Brody that just because he’s been the shittiest boyfriend in America doesn’t mean he can’t shape up and give it another go with her. Unfortunately his affinity for dating playgirls eventually gets in the way of that but it’s for the best because Brody also penetrated Kristin and LC can’t afford to keep sharing boyfs with that ho.

7. Don’t ever cry over someone that wouldn’t cry over you.

Even though she says this to Steph, AKA She-Pratt AKA a grown adult who thought that hamsters turn into guinea pigs, this is still an applicable life lesson. Tears should only come into play if both parties involved are baby bitches. If Brody Jenner calls you cray cray, it’s prob not worth sobbing in the bathroom.

8. There’s always that one person that you always go back to.

The classic rule of recycling men to maintain your number, LC basically invented dis shit. Steven, Jason and Brody were in her lineup and boy did they sub in and out a lot. Girl had that rotation on lockdown. All the respect.

9. Like everyone, and trust no one.

BAM. Did LC get a little jaded at some point with all her shady friends and decide that maybe she should start speaking and living like a mafioso? Yeah she did and you know what, I’m cool with it. The mean streets of LA can make you HARD. Girl had to buck up and realize that her besties were about as trustworthy as that big eared betch Elodie. In other words, you can think Stephanie Pratt’s inability to answer a telephone or use the computer is fun and amusing but don’t think for a second it doesn’t mean she’ll jump at the chance to date your ex the minute you go on a family vacay to Italy without cell service and internet.

10. It just is what it is. It’s not always fair.

This deserves to be noted because it’s far too similar to something Scar from the Lion King said (another wise basic bitch). You see, life is NOT FAIR. No but for reals, was it fair that a 22 year old was living in a mansion with a pool, jetting to Vegas and Cabo on the reg and hitting the club circuit every night all on MTV’s dime while I was living in a smelly apt with my parents at 22 suuuuper funemployed? No it’s not fair…but it is what it is.

Now go forth and spread the good word of our Holy LC.

Pop Culture

The Olsen Twins: A Timeline of Coordinated Outfits

The heyday of Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen was pre-Twitter, Memes and Vines, and what a true shame that is. They may be high fashion queens now, but I feel like it’s necessary to remember them for who they used to be—the pinnacle of coordinated outfits and envy of all non-twins. The Olsen twins were the trendsetters of my generation and it’s about time we bow down to them for it. Here are the best of the worst coordinated outfits, complete with the top trends they made cool (in chronological order by movie, obviously).

It all began with the exact matching outfits with theme. This is easily my favorite. Two wittle sailors circa the 90’s. I respect this look because my mom also went through a phase of sewing my sisters and I matching outfits for Christmas cards with coordinated patterns. Isn’t that the cutest thing you’ve ever seeeeeen?

Once the girls got a little older they were like ENOUGH, mom. We want to be individuals! This is when they started the same outfit but opposite colors trend. This pretty much stuck for the next ten years. Because it’s not matching if it’s not the same color, DUUUHHH. These neon backwards hats were edgy and cool for their “You’re Invited” intros.

For their ever so classic Sleepover Party that I was obviously invited to, they decided to T it down with the matching so their friends didn’t think they were total losers. If we’re being candid I don’t think they needed to worry about a girl who brings a framed picture of her dog to a sleepover because she misses him so much judging them. Anyway, they rock these jean headbands and coordinated purple and florals as they teach us how to spell PIZZAAAA, P-I-Z-Z-A.

Is it bitchy of me to post this picture where they’re clearly going through a hairstyle identity crisis phase? Probably, but when you stumble upon gold like this it’s pretty much a crime not to share it with the world. The girls revert back to their old ways for a press appearance with exact matching outfits right down to the frizzy blowout and chunky black platform sandals. The pastels that complement each other were a nice touch though.

Billboard Dad was when the girls’ personalities really started to shine through in their fashion choices. Anyone whose anyone knows that MK has always been more tomboy and Ashley more feminine. Even though their styles started to part ways, they held it together with matching colored lenses and well-placed butterfly clips because they’re spunky AF. Also quick LOL to the baby boobs coming in during this era.

Ah we’ve arrived in the Passport to Paris era. The girls embark on a new country during Spring Break and set off the tradition of a new vacation movie every year…which I am forever grateful for. This movie showed how they handle international style and just how much they’ve grown up. We get to see travelwear like we’ve never seen it before, with the opposite color one-straps. Blue for MK (duh) and Pink for Ash. The moment this movie premiered I marched right over to JCP to buy my own one strap. Mine was also blue because I was going through a tomboy phase like MK and the sound of that velcro strap was like music to my ears. Also has anyone ever looked cooler in pleather?

Paris also treated us to THE HANKERCHIEF. Instead of matching exactly, they matched themes with their peasant tops paisley print for Ash, gingham for MK. Ever having a bad hair day with your perfectly blown dry bob? Slide a headband with a triangle hankerchief hanging off it right on and all your problems are solved.

After reviewing this outfit choice, I’m beginning to think that Paris started to think all Americans were trashy around this point in time. Wearing camis fit for a PJ set out for a day of sightseeing isn’t exactly approps for the City of Lights. The shell chokers, beaded hair and matching purses make up for it though, obviously.

Formal wear for the ladies consisted of a loose strand in the face (it’s elegant), a string of pearls and a spaghetti strap dress. It’s no wonder those french boys were all about slow dancing with these fine young American women. Bonjour, Bonjour, OH MY GAWD.

Right around the same time the Olsen’s started jet-setting, they also personally invited me to their Dance Party. I’m glad I could make it because there were some really cool rapping moments in the girls bathroom. What IS all the noise about boys? Since they’re at the age when they’re dancin it up with boys, MK&A got real edgy with the animal prints. Zebra bags, cheetah lined pockets, RAWR. Did they take the black choker/wrist cuff and slightly racist Japanese shirts a little too far? No, no they did not.

Shortly thereafter, the girls witnessed a diamond robbery in Our Lips Are Sealed. They had to be placed in the witness protection program, which gave us a live look at how they dress for their geographic location. In Cali they were all about the graphic tees and tinted shades:

In Seattle they were hipsters with chokers plus hers & hers hemp bucket hats/bandannas:

And Aussieland gave us the tropical vibes with hawaiian prints and bathing suit skirts:

I must’ve been really good that year because my reward was a yacht party in Australia that yielded the greatest matching 70’s outfits alive. Not only were those white Go-Go boots (that eventually were ditched on the boat to jetski with the cute guys) on point, but they danced with peace signs and told classic jokes to the camera. “Oh am I supposed to say something funny? SOMETHING FUNNY!” Ohh Ash, you should’ve just let your outfit do the talkin.

The girls really matured when they started to grow their hair out and join the debate team. They had their first educational movie in Winning London and they really showed they were there to work hard with their trench coats and scarves, but their patterned flare pants revealed that they have a wild side too. Classic case of business on top, party on the bottom. The comeback of the tinted aviators kind of throws off that theory though because that could also be perceived as party on top. Let’s reiterate: Party(shades):Business(turtlenecks, scarves and smart coat):Party(plaid/tie-dye slacks):Business(a smart pair of leather mom boots). WHAT a balance.

SHIT. I forgot to factor in the puke colored plaid bucket hats. I don’t even know where these fall on the spectrum. WHY ARE TWO FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS WEARING SO MANY EARTH TONES? That’s so Brit of them.

Thank GOD they lose their overcoats and kick off their chunky heels to get TURNT at the club one night. Unfortunately that means they don these icelandic eskimo dresses, pink vs. blue of course. Although this time Ashley’s in the blue. Really throwing us for a loop there. The turtle necks, however, are apparently even necessary while partying. Let your necks FREE, Chloe and Riley! (For the record, their names in this movie were so good they re-used them for their show So Little Time. Chlo + Riles 4eva.)

Holiday in the Sun blessed us with some more Hawaiian patterns as the girls were whisked away for winter break on their dad’s private jet to Atlantis in the Bahamas. If you think I’m complaining about these tacky floral prints, it’s got nothin on the level of whining that came from the twins when they realized they were going on a family vacay instead of partying it up South Beach style with their trashy high school friends.

Instead of being thankful for their all expenses paid tropical vacation and a full box of Krispy Kremes, they amped up their “we’re basically legal in this country and we can do whatever we want” vibes and went balls to the wall. Falling in love with the local who cleans the shark tank and investigating smugglers occupy their time, and skintight tube tops and one-shoulders occupy their bodies. Even their beach wear consisted of tight wifebeaters, I’m assuming to show off their fully grown boobs. All to the tune of Weezer, obviously.

Other notable trends from the Bahamas: The comeback of the pigtail braids

Murica themes…(Seriously if this tube top were still around today I’d wear it to a 4th of July party because it’s cute AF).

And from day-wear to night-wear, the black one shouldered tank paired with opposite colors geometric skirts. Club READY. Now he’s what time it is. Ok you got me, I think I actually genuinely liked every outfit from this movie. The girls reached their fashion peak in Atlantis. Hair, accessories and clothing were on point. All the awards. The beach suits them.

Road trips on the other hand, didn’t suit them so well. It’s hard to imagine that these two globe-trotting beauties were only just turning 16 but after making out with so many cultured men it was time to get their licenses and celebrate with a classic cross-country road trip in Getting There. They discovered straighteners and how to look casj in addition to a bright red ‘stang. Nothing says road trip like aviators and converses.

If they wanted to look a little more mid-western casj, they threw on their sleeveless plaid shirts and earth tone corduroys. It seems as though they learned nothing from the barf tones from Winning London. 16 certainly didn’t start off with a bang for these two. It’s nice to see that they celebrated the big year with continuing the ultra matching theme right down to the jeweled choker.

Italy was much kinder to their fashion sense in When In Rome. They’re artsy and cool as they intern and immediately get fired from unpaid work. It doesn’t matter though because they have their hotel room directly IN the Colosseum and their cozy neutral wrap sweaters to fall back on.

The final installment in the straight to VHS collection of our two favorite gals is The Challenge, where all of their past lovahs come back to ask why the hell they only got a peck and nothin else. This movie was an overall DUD mostly because it played out much like an MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge without the drinking or the sex. Booooo. However, it brought us the linen pants and beach waves. YAS. Lip gloss for an extreme challenge? Duh.

We’ve finally arrived at the end of the Olsen girls’ career as we know it. New York Minute, the full length feature film that people (me) actually paid to see. Boy was it a shit show. Apparently going mainstream made them cocky they could pull of anything, because they made the executive decision to wear these I ❤ NY t shirts with tacky red skirts and chunky heels for like 98% of the movie. No, thank you. In a sense, we came full circle because we started with exact matching outfits and ended the same. We end the saga not with a bang but with a whimper.

And because I never end the list with a whimper, please feast your eyes on a little then and now version of Rebellious Olsens. If this childhood doo-rag picture doesn’t make you laugh out loud then I pretty much don’t want to know you as a person. The second shot (obviously not present day because it’s not terrifying) was roughly 8 years later on their short-lived TV show So Little Time. Wildly underrated in my opinion, also fire theme song. From bandannas to clip-in color extensions, fake tattoos to fake tattoos. We’ve watched these two grow up before our very own eyes. A fashion evolution, if you will. They’re in their 20’s now and I can only hope they still call each other to plan coordinated outfits for outings, even if they are black cloaks, at least they keep the twin fashion sense alive for the rest of us.

Now excuse me while I check if their WalMart clothing line is still available online…

Pop Culture

Ten Best Celebrity Couples

Since Valentine’s Day was Saturday, I thought it would be an appropriate time to list all of the celebrity couples that I would’ve liked to be a third wheel with for the holiday of Looooove. Here’s the ten best celeb couples (in no particular order) who are going to make it the long haul…according to me. (If you’re reading this months or weeks from now and any or all of these couples have broken up please do not blame me. I’m still reeling from the dissolution of Nick and Jessica. It’ll be too much to handle if I’m also a curse.)

John Krasinski & Emily Blunt.

I have a REAL difficult time separating John Krasinski from Jim Halpert and I think many Office fans can agree, which basically means that John must be the most romantic and adorable husband alive. The best part is that Emily Blunt is a sassy Brit instead of a meek little deer in the headlights like Pam was, so this relationship is EVEN better. They prank Jimmy Kimmel together every year, they crushed the ALS ice bucket challenge and they never take Hollywood too seriously.

Years Together: 7 (Married in 2010)

Beyonce & Jay-Z.

There cannot be a top celeb couples list without the Queen & King themselves. They’re outrageously rich and spend like 90% of their time just F-ing around on yachts with baby royalty Blue Ivy. I respect the hell out of their lavish lifestyles because they deliver some sick beats, and most recently the coolest married couple concert ever. Only Bey & Jay can get away with recording a song about the two of them banging constantly and make the term “Surfbordt” popular. Also no one should ever be caught saying bad things about these two, because Illuminati.

Years Together: 11 (Married in 2008)

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner.

Ben and Jen are easily the most normal Hollywood couple ever. They’re more likely to be seen taking their kids to school or going to a soccer game in sneakers and jeans than doing stupid frivolous celeb things. They’re not all in yo face when they’re at awards shows together and Jen even let it slide when Ben won a bunch of awards for Argo and said that their marriage was work cause he got nervsies. Cool, calm and all about the fam.

Years Together: 11 (Married in 2005)

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds.

Have you seen these two? I have unrealistic high hopes that their baby will be the most beautiful baby on this earth, should they ever show her or reveal her name. Also I have a bigger crush on Blake than I do on Ryan, judge me, I dare you. Although it certainly helps Ryan’s charisma that he recently called Blake a human Denny’s because she’s breakfast lunch and dinner for their daughter. He’s quick to add that she’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen. Swooooon.

Years Together: 4 (Married in 2012)

Eric Decker & Jessie James Decker.

I first learned about these two when they got a reality TV show on E! and I loved them immediately but was also SUUUPER nervsies that they would catch the reality show curse of Newlyweds. They’ve got a little bit of the Nick & Jessica dynamic because Jessie’s the goofy crazy one and Eric calms her down and puts up with her antics, but I’m pleased to report that their marriage is still intact and they recently had the most adorbs baby ever. I don’t even like babies and I’m obsessed with this one so that’s saying a lot. Please feel free to drool over their family photos like I do on a regular basis.

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In case you missed it and need some inspiration for your #babyitschristmas fan video submission!

A post shared by Jessie James Decker (@jessiejamesdecker) on Nov 18, 2014 at 9:51am PST

Years Together: 4 (Married in 2013)

Emma Stone & Andrew Garfield.

These two crazy kids have a nice way of staying mostly private but still letting everyone know that they’re in love and are fun and stuff. Emma made an appearance when Andrew hosted SNL and they did a goofy kissing skit together. They’re known for photobombing and using their paparazzi shots to promote good causes. Also this just gives me an excuse to post Emma Stone’s lip sync battle on Fallon, which was epic. When Fallon had Andrew on after that he pointed out that they should’ve never given Emma a mic because she got real serious with it, real quick. The couple that lip syncs at home together, stays together.

Years Together: 4

Chrissy Teigen & John Legend.

I’m starting to see a trend here with the outspoken crazy girl and the other half that calms her down and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. Anyway Chrissy is a supermodel who also has a pottymouth, isn’t afraid to look like an idiot and creates twitter wars with her haters. John is a classy 9-time Grammy-winning singer/songwriter piano playing extraordinaire. They met on the set of one of his music videos. They found love in a hopeless place. Just kitten, but seriously all you need to do is watch the music video for “All of Me” and your heart will be all kinds of melting. Chrissy also pretty frequently screenshots her texts with John where she basically just trolls him, which is always good for a laugh. Bonus Points: When she had an ugly crying face after seeing John perform at the Globes she handled it real well. By making fun of herself.

Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

David & Victoria Beckham.

Ah, British royalty. Becks was the sex-tastic futbol player, Victoria was Posh Spice. It was the 90’s and everything was magical. Becks fell in love with Posh’s ability to never look like she’s having an ounce of fun and the rest is history. They invaded America finally and we all haven’t been the same since. They also created a crop of future models with their four kids that have been high fashion since they were in diapers. Harper’s toddler top knot at fashion week for all the awards.

Years Together: 18 (Married in 1999)

Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan-Tatum.

They met on the set of Step Up, arguably one of the best dance movies of all time and couldn’t deny the chemistry of their dirty dancing. They got married and Channing rewarded every woman in America with Magic Mike and his “Pony” striptease. And Jenna was like yeah bitches, that’s my husband and he used to be a stripper. Then they had a kid and Jenna supported Channing putting on the lbs and coined it “fappy” (Fat+Happy) Channing. Just recently they were snapped having a dance-off after the Golden Globes proving to be the best thing to come out of Step Up, and yes that was a direct dig to Step up 2-100.

Years Together: 10 (Married in 2009)

Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard.

Kristen and Dax are goobers.They’ve been doing a series of ads for Samsung for about a year now and call me a sucker but how they are in these commercials is exactly how I assume they interact at home. I eat that shit right up. They’ve always been all about sharing funny stories and being open about their relationship on talk shows and a few years ago Dax surprised Kristen with a sloth on her 31st birthday and she was so happy that she hysterically cried about it. Always the good husband, Dax filmed it all for our viewing pleasure. (See clip below) Plus after second baby Delta was born, Dax described Kristen’s C Section in the most romantic of ways, “After seeing this autopsy, I would rather see a school bus drive out of her vagina.” So he’s almost as much of a wordsmith as Ryan Reynolds comparing Blake’s breast-feeding to a diner chain.

Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

Golden Globes Red Carpet Looks

The stakes are high as the first legit awards show of the season and my judgements will be harsh. I make no apologies and must reiterate that I literally know nothing about high fashion and these are all my sassy opinions formed after one glance. I also feel compelled to point out that while these women probably starve themselves 90% of the time in preparation for these few moments walking a red carpet, I am sitting on my couch, unshowered, shoving pizza into my mouth and telling them that they look ugly. All the credibility in the world, obviously.

Worst Dressed:

Alan Cumming in a skin tone suit. Yuck.

Amanda Peet looking like she wrapped herself in a bedsheet. Not flattering.

I guess this is very Bill Murray…slob kebab style.

Claire Danes borrowed her gammy’s dress.

Jemima Kirke looking like she stepped out of the 1990’s, only thing missing is butterfly clips and foam platforms.

Jessica Chastain with untasteful cleavage and gold lamé.

Hey Kate Mara, this could’ve been on the best dressed if you didn’t throw in that stupid belt.

Katie Cassidy leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. Do less.

Keira Knightley. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Wins worst look of the night, year, possibly ever.

This is so blah, baggy and unflattering. Also off the shoulder is so 80’s duhz, Kristen Wiig.

This looks like a shitty bridesmaid dress. Also Lena Dunham always looks like frumpmaster frump.

Lorde in the baggy pants suit. (She probably borrowed that crop from her cheerful bestie Tay)

BLAH BLAH BLAH. We all know I think Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like the homely aunt at every public event. (her and Lena must be attending the same wedding circa 1992)

Maria Menunous with boob patterns and slicked back hair.

I read somewhere that Melissa McCarthy recently lost like 50lbs…this outfit does NOT show that. Also, waitress.

Rosamund Pike wearing a spaghetti strap dress that is just too much and makes her look top slops.

Taryn Manning in a literal trash bag.

Cotton Candy nightmare for Zosia Mamet.

Somewhere In Between:

The Clooneys make their red carpet debut and it’s lackluster. The dress is just fine..the gloves are stupid. ARE YOU ABOVE US OR SOMETHING, AMAL?

Is Eddie Redmayne wearing a velvet suit? Kinda lame. His wife’s dress is pretty so that’s how they landed in the middle.

I’ve seen G look fresher. Not cray about the mermaid bottom.

Miss Golden Globe Greer Grammar kind of looks like she bought this from a prom dress store.

Jen!! Hair down. Always.

Meh=Matthew’s scraggly beard, the top half of Camila’s dress.

I truly hate to knock my favorite hosts of all time, but these outfits are not doing it for me. Fingers crossed for some improvements in the many outfit changes during the show.

Best Dressed:

Real Talk: Has Adam Levine ever not looked bangin? Answer: No.

Adrian Grenier owning that plum suit.

Allison Tolman in a tasteful black chic gown.

Red came in hot tonight and Allison Williams looked old Hollywood glam.

Good color, simple and classy.

Not in love with the hair on Anna Kendrick but the dress is on point.

Catherine Zeta Jones in the classic red ball gown.

Hottest couple looking perf.

Anna Faris stepped it up and she’s not even hosting this one. Pratt looks good without trying.

Chrissy Teigen looking like a smoke with a sassy pony.

Dakota Johnson with the classic disco ball dress. Still not hot enough to be in 50 Shades but I digress.

David Oyelowo with a SNAZZY patterned metallic suit.

Pacey and Diane Kruger killing it as always.

Ellie Kemper pulls off the sparkly patterned dress and red lip.

Emily Blunt looks like a greek goddess.

Emmanuelle Chiriqui legit does not age.

Gina Rodriguez from the CW show I thought would be cancelled, loving the fringey bottom of the basic black.

JLo still on a mission to remind everyone that she may be 45 but she sure don’t look it. Legs and tits for days.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, another one who never looks her age.

I respect the hell out of this NYE party frock.

Kate Beckinsale almost won fave look of the night but the bun didn’t complete the look for me.

KATE HUDSON. BOOB. JOB. SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE.

COULD KATHERINE HEIGL BE SKINNIER? DAMN.

Katie Holmes looks like she did in the Dawson’s finale and I LOVE it.

I hate this dress so much that I love it. I can’t even explain that.

Good color on Leslie Mann.

Lupita kills red carpets. Always on fleek (the kids are saying that these days…)

Mouth wateringly handsome. ALWAYS. Bomer jams. Amirite?!

Naomi Watts with a super cool snake necklace and another great yellow.

Natasha Lyonne doing simple and elegant.

Hate the hair, love the dress.

Red sweeping the red carpet. No coincidence.

And naturally the most coveted of honors-the winner of my fave look of the night is… A TIE.

NEVER though my fave look would be a jumpsuit but I LOVE this look, even the capey thing in the back. Emma Stone kept it simple with jewels and hair and let the sparkle top do the talkin.

Reese Witherspoon had a big year with films and looks GR8 in this simple slimming gown. Less is more (also can you tell I’m into the sparkles?)

Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

People’s Choice Awards Red Carpet Looks

In the spirit of awards season and not missing any one that they air, I actually watched the People’s Choice Awards. Yiiiiikes. I won’t bore you with a recap on them because literally nothing happened. I think the highlight of the night was when Chris Evans escorted Betty White to the stage for her TV Icon Award and it was a real panty-melter to see such a hottie being a gentleman. Adam Sandler won an award and Fall Out Boy performed so I had myself questioning what year it actually was several times. Also hosts Anna Faris and Allison Janney played it safe all night and were basically just there to promote their soon to be cancelled show Moms ad nauseum. Also Iggy Azalea tried to bone Dax Shepard by flirting with him on stage. And we’re all caught up. I did however decide to do a best and worst dressed list because there were some standouts that deserved to be addressed.

Worst Dressed:

I mean these are your hosts and their not looking their best. Anna Faris is wearing a circus ruffle dress and Allison Janney is showing an untasteful amount of cleavage for her age…

I’ve seen Amy Adams look stunning and this just wasn’t doing it for me. Too plain. Also I can understand why she wouldn’t pull out the big guns for the People’s Choice Awards.

This is outrageous. I cannot get on board with Ariel Winter and the tuxedo as a dress thing. You look like you’re doing the walk of shame.

Honest question has Ginnifer Goodwin ever NOT looked like your frumpy aunt?

I feel like this dress is not the most flattering on Hillary Scott.

She’s certainly got the Kim K hourglass to pull this off but it’s just too much.

WOOF with the super low cut tee Taj Mowry. No need to do nips out for the People.

Best Dressed:

Digging on this sparkly party dress on Sarah Hyland.

Kristen Bell popped out a baby like 2 weeks ago. Damn gurl. Also I’m obsessed with this dress. Fave look of the night.

The classy crop was a trend last night and I was digging it. Love the sparkles and high pony on Olivia Munn.

This is my second fave look of the night. Even though Kaley Cuoco buzzed her head and I hate it, girl is pulling off this cutout dress. Almost makes me want to hit the gym. Almost.

Jesse McCartney repping well dressed men like nobody’s biz.

I think this is the best I’ve seen Iggy dress for an awards show. Still not really in our era, but she makes it work.

Digging on this color on Gabrielle Union.

Last but certainly not least, Chris Evans looking like the hot piece of ass he is. Dressed casj in a sweater and it makes me want to curl up by the fire with him with a glass of wine while he reads me a book. Whoa. That escalated quickly.

Pop Culture, Television

The Hills-Top Heidi Moments

Hey guys, I’m BAAAAACK with some very important gossip, as always. Did you hear that Holly Montag is preggers? You didn’t? Oh, that’s probably because she’s not famous except for the time The Hills outed her as an alcoholic. Fingers crossed she’s sober now.

Anyway, I’ve decided to celebrate the good news with her more “famous” sister’s best moments on The Hills, in no particular order. (Pre-Surgeries) We all remember Heidi as this top-heavy monster with blowfish lips who married Spencer the flesh colored beard, crystal lovin’ maniac. However, I think it’s important to be reminded of wholesome, good girl Heidi back when she had natural A cups and freshly moved to LA to pursue her dreams of working in PR and partying for a paycheck. Here are the best Heidi moments before she went full-on dark side.

5. Dating Jordan from North Carolina with the most outrageous haircut known to man.

Heidi and Jordan had their ups and downs—their up was when Jordan gave her a dog for Christmas (that mysteriously disappeared after season 1) and their downs were obviously the rest of their relationship. Jordan called himself passionate and would commonly tell Heidi to shut up because apparently his passions of hating his girlfriend were just too much to hold in. Inevitably, this led to the breakup, which was QUITE dramatic with tears from both parties…seriously bro, pull it together.

I’m going to assume that Jordan was crying while getting dumped because the jig was up and Heidi finally realized that Sonic the Hedgehog was wildly outkicking his coverage by getting to sleep with her at all. And that was the end of dum dum Jordan and damn it did we all miss him and his weird creepy friend Brian who stalked Audrina in attempts to date her.

WHAT IS THIS PHOTO.

4. Quitting school after the first day.

Heidi’s claim to fame was being a quitter and boy did she commit to it. After going into her FIDM interview and announcing that she did not even glance at the curriculum, admitting, “I never went to school, I never did anything. I just like went shopping and hung out.” It’s no wonder they didn’t just offer her a full scholarship for her hard work right on the spot. Good ole Heids put in a half day at school after that and played solitaire waiting for LC to finish classes. By chance, or a scripted run-in, Heidi meets Brent Bolthouse and he gives her an interview for an assistant position. It’s her dream job, guys. She starts the next day and once he tells her she’ll be getting lunch and stuffing envelopes she backtracks real quick and says she didn’t understand that this was a full time job and she’s more into partying so could we speed up the process and put her in charge of the door at a nightclub already? Brent politely tells her to stop being such a self-righteous asshole with a sassy eye roll and Heidi calls LC to vent: “It’s so boring I’m stuffing envelopes. This is my nightmare of a job.” She promises to give it one more day before quitting. Atta girl.

3. Wearing jeans, boots and a turtleneck sweater tank to her first interview.

(Sorry for the bootleg pic, I’m sure you still get the idea.) Although this is fully related to the last Heidi shining moment, it deserves a separate shout out because it is actually suuuuper baffling that someone going on their first full time job interview would think it’s acceptable to wear this outfit. She got the job though, so clearly I’m doing something wrong here. Her first day of work outfit was equally as appalling with jeans, pointy heels, a black button down and her hair in a bun with a headband that can only be described as one that girls wear when their hair is dirty.

2. The pregnancy scare with Playboy Spence.

Hey everyone remember the early days of Spencer when he was also porking Audrina? Yeah, definitely not a red flag or anything. Heidi continues dating him even though she catches him with Audrina and whoopsie she runs right into a pregnancy scare. After taking the test and seeing that she’s not preggers (we can all agree that the best thing Speidi has done for this planet is to NOT procreate), Heidi wants to run a little test by Spence to see how he’ll react. She puts on her best serious soap opera face and calls him up asking him to drop by work because they need to talk. Homeboy pulls up in his beamer and she lays it on him that she might be pregnant. Playboy Spence breaks a sweat, takes a sip of what I assume to be vodka in a water bottle to calm his nerves and romantically declares that he’s on Team Heidi. That’s exactly what Heidi wants to hear and she casually replies with ok well I’m not pregnant tralala thanks for stopping by. Playboy Spence declares, “I’m a little bit irritated that you had me thinking you were pregnant,” to which Heidi replies, “Oh boo hoo.” This marks the only time I’ve ever wanted to fist bump Heidi.

1. Orchestrating the Great Jen Bunney Betrayal.

This is probably my favorite Hills episode to date, and to be clear; I’m 100% team LC on this one. LC goes out of her way to make Jen Bunney’s 21^st birthday the best it could be, even going so far as getting her diamonds via her MTV paycheck and Jen repays her by calculating a hookup with Brody like mere minutes after LC and Brody dated. Heidi truly shined when she turned into the conniving birthday fairy granting booty like wishes. She coordinates Brody to attend Bunney’s party and then aggressively pushes the two of them together to mate like real world cast mates in a hot tub. Obviously Bunz leaves with Brodz and LC finds out and lays down the hammer on both idiots, but not Brody, cause he’s too pretty to yell at. Since getting video clips of The Hills is like getting security footage from the White House, for whatever reason, I can only suffice the best scene of the episode with some shitty pictures. I like to call this exchange: two drunk white girls repeating words.

Honorable Mention: Being cutthroat at Bolthouse snaking a promotion from Elodie.

(Technically this is post-surgery since Heidi clearly had already gotten her first boob job, but we’ll let it slide.) Elodie mentions casually that there’s a promotion in the works and Heidi goes behind her back to get it. Oohh Kill em Heidi, get your dream job and rise above the ranks of stuffing envelopes. Elodie, the unfortunate looking elf who is forced to listen to Heidi talk about Spencer and how she has no friends 24/7, gets her revenge swiftly. Heidi’s first event falls on the same night as the anniversary of the first time Spencer and her banged in a club before he probably then took Audrina out for ice cream or something, and she asks Elodie to cover her undeserving of a promotion ass. Elodie sneaky quits that day and tells Heidi that she’s all set before she heads back to the North Pole, screwing Heidi over royally. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, Heidz.

This is Elodie’s biz casj cami.

And there we have it. The party girl from Colorado with a heart of gold (or something…) won her way into the best friend Hall of Fame of miss Lauren Conrad and for that and so much more (repeated appearances on various reality TV shows with Spencer) we will never forget her. A friend has informed me that if you miss our little Heidi whose boobs have grown six sizes since the early days, you can catch her and Spencer on Marriage Boot Camp this season, undoubtedly discussing true love and crystals.

Music, Pop Culture

Breaking News: Tay & Bey Unite

Obviously everyone knows that the stars aligned and Taylor Swift turned 25 on 12/13/14 and coincidentally threw the banger of the century with celeb crowds better than any awards show. (Mostly because Snapchat forced everyone to know, making a cat cartoon filter for every picture snapped on this holy day.) Everybody who is ANYBODY was at Tay’s party, as evident in the slur of photos below that gave me a real outrageous amount of FOMO on Saturday morning. The biggest shocker wasn’t the fact that Mr. King of Pop JT graced this little shindig with his presence but The King and Queen themselves also showed up. WHAT is that you say? The two most anti-social, royal subjects of Hollywood settled and hob-nobbed with T Swift and a bunch of commoners for her 25th? I was just as shocked as you, obviously.

Since this happened over the weekend while everyone was enjoying their regular normal people activities I was going to let it slide without a specific blog…but then JT had his Brooklyn concert last night and the popular crowd reunited and I just couldn’t stand by and watch this silently for one more second. It appears that Queen B and her man didn’t just show up to Taylor’s party as a charity write-off…Bey and Tay are now besties who dance togets at JT concerts. These two have united and prepare yourself for a slaying because no one knows what could happen next. A secret joint release? A music video with dorky vs. queen twerk-offs? Tay babysitting Blue? The sky is the limit people–brace yourselves for a takeover.

http://instagram.com/p/wnW-l7hHiz/?utm_source=partner&utm_medium=embed&utm_campaign=video&modal=true

Pop Culture, Television, Uncategorized

Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People

Sunday night TV was real slow, so I sat down with Babs to see what hard hitting questions she would throw at the most fascinating people of the year and also for the big reveal of number 1. Did you miss it? No worries, I’ll keep this recap short and sweet, like I wish this special would have been.

Babs starts out her intro with “Hi you may remember me, Barbara Walters.” I didn’t realize we had a stand-up comedian hosting this special. The tone was set for a hilarious two hours. She reminded us that this special was supposed to be retired last year because it is tired and she’s picked the same people every single year forever, but ABC wanted more money so they brought it back thirsty for profits and ratings. (Side Note: Barbara’s suuuper expressive eyes after every few words got REAL creepy, REAL quick.)

Scarlett Johansson: Why she is on this list is baffling to me but she talks about how she’s actually short, she believes relationships are hard and monogamy isn’t natural and she’s open about being in therapy. Babs hears that Scarlett got her start in musical theater and DEMANDS that Scarlett sing a number on the spot despite how uncomfortable Scarlett clearly is with the idea. (Who ever declared that Barbara Walters was GREAT at interviewing was seriously wrong. She’s super awk.) Scarlett sings a little bit and looks like she wants to get the hell out of there. It was snoozeworthy at best.

Neil Patrick Harris: It’s hammered home that Neil can literally do everything, including magic. Coming out to his family was tough at first because his dad thought that he would whore out at clubs, now they’re more accepting. I didn’t realize that Neil came out mid-How I Met Your Mother in 2006 after a tabloid threatened to out him. Pretty aggress. Both him and his husband David fathered a child but they don’t know which kid they’re the biological father of. Babs asked multiple times if they would ever want to find out which kid is biologically theirs and NPH had to say no several times. USE YOUR EARS, BABS.

David Koch: Literally no interest level in this person, I turned my ears off. (Also there was a tech guy included in the special, whose name I already forgot because he was NOT fascinating to me.)

Chelsea Handler: She had to clear the air for the 1000th time that she never wanted to replace Letterman because she’s not a network girl and will never want to be censored or have to follow rules. Revealed that her oldest brother died when she was growing up because he fell off of a cliff and this is possibly why her dad is such a maniac. Good ole Chels got a DUI when she was 21 and had recently moved to Hollywood and in her class that she was required to take afterward she got up and was telling stories and someone told her she should be a standup and that’s where that came about. Love that hot mess. She said she would consider getting married just to try it for a little bit. Babs told Chels with her eyes that it was wrong to be so slutty and loose. Judgement city.

Oprah: Barbara reminds us that she’s interviewed Oprah four million times. Oprah has no regrets about not having kids, her and Stedman are still going strong. O talks about being sexually assualted at a young age and then becoming skanktastic and getting pregnant at 14 and being sent to live with her dad who told her he’d rather have her dead than pregnant. Uh oh. Surprise! Oprah ended up losing the baby and it became her “second chance” and her life became completely different. Babs and Oprah slobber all over each other and talk about how they’re obsessed with each other and end the interview with a creepy smile handshake.

Michael Strahan: Michael used to be a heffer, Jane Fonda tapes made him skinny. He’s been married a couple of times and the first marriage was casj and they’re still friends, the second marriage ended wooftastic and it was in the tabs that he was gay or he cheated and Michael proved to be a real stand-up guy, kept quiet and took all the backlash because he didn’t want to disgrace his kids. He also never wants to fix the gap in his teeth. (B.Walterz really digs deep with her questions.)

George RR Martin: I can’t physically listen to this guy talk because I have never seen/read Game of Thrones. Literally no idea what he’s talking about half the time. Apparently he finds it offensive when people say he’s going to croak before he finishes writing the series. I wonder why he would find that offensive…

Taylor Swift: This interview was WAY too short. Basically they talked played out questions, Tay told America that every time they say she’s gonna write a song about a boy it’s the oldest joke and basically the media is a bunch of sexist pigs because they would never say that about men writing about their personal lives. GET EM TAY. Also she talks about how in the past five years she hasn’t been alone (YIKES), kicking it with her fans at her houseS and looking at their instagrams keeps her grounded and she DOES drink alcohol, she’s 25 after all. Also she’s serious about being single these days (yawn).

DRUMROLL PLEASE. The most fascinating person according to Ms. Barbara Walters is Amal (Alamuddin) Clooney. Here’s what I don’t understand…she just talks about Amal. There is no interview, I’m assuming there’s no consent from Amal so WHAT is the point of this? Instead Bab’s shows a bunch of clips of her interviewing George Clooney and basically makes it all about him and how he swore up and down that he would never get married and all the people that he dated since he said that. I’m sure this was really uplifting for Amal, as she watches the segment about her that Barbara Walters clearly just googled and reported over a backdrop of public photos in a slideshow. What a crock of bullshit. You tricked us all, Babs. (Just me? Oh ok.)

Pop Culture, Television

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2014

The VS Fashion Show is the only fashion show that all people of all genders can find mutual interest in watching. The guys watch in hopes that the camera will linger long enough on the model’s ladybits, and the women watch it to judge the models while they shove ice cream in their face and lay in bed wrapped in a snuggie. (Just me? Oh ok.) Regardless, us girls have had a nice treat two years in a row now watching Taylor Swift become an honorary angel and slay the runway. Without further ado, here are the highlights of last night’s installment.

The Show Highlights:

-Within seconds of the first model walking, the camera flashed to Taylor’s reaction backstage and we are all reminded why we are here…to watch Tay react to things. She cheered Behati on, she sang along to Ed’s performance then shouted KILLED IT as he came offstage, she danced with the models waiting to walk..say what you will about Taylor but girl knows what she gets paid the big bucks for and milks it for all its worth. Plus it was a welcome distraction from the bones clacking down the runway in loose corsets.

-In the first segment one of the models (rookie) is forced to wear puffy 80’s sleeves instead of wings and then decides to do an awkward squat booty pop as her runway pose and it is the most unfortunate scene of the night. Too bad they didn’t show Tay’s face after this.

-If we were playing the drinking game called drink every time an angel blows a kiss I would have been dead from alcohol poisoning within the first 5 minutes.

-Taylor performs Blank Space into a 1989 jewel encrusted mic in a pink silky duster, (we learn what Taylor’s Secret is with that xtra pushup bra) furry stripper heels and is forced to tone down the theatrics of her performance a tad so as not to steal the show from the models…she doesn’t and I respect the hell out of it. What I don’t respect, however, is how she keeps trying to interact with the models by awkwardly one hand grasping each one as they stroll by. There should have been a firm no hand clasping policy, except for her BFF Karlie.

-Ed Sheeran performs the phenomenal song “Thinking Out Loud” and we have a horrible contrast of beautiful song and the UGLIEST outfits of the entire show. I’m guessing the theme for this segment was preschool craft corner because it looked like “pinterest fails” threw up on all the models. Noticeably missing: a pan to Ellie Goulding, front row, while Ed was singing to create some ex-lover drama. Really coulda used that, CBS.

Ed cleaning house with the ladies

-Ariana Grande gets assigned the “Pink” segment for baby gurls who like track pants and fuzzy PJ’s. Suuuper Disney. She performs the grand medley of all her hits that she’s been banging out lately and it gets real distracting because she has two over-eager platinum blonde backup dancers who flanked her sides and were wearing spacesuits. She finishes the medley and bats her eyelashes which just ends up looking like she had shit in her eye. Noticeably missing: the moment when she gets nailed in the face by one of the wings that the internet got a preview of, but no one got to see live.

-Hozier performs “Take Me to Church” for the “fairytale” segment and it is quite comical watching the models struggle to bop to this song and interact with Hozier who looks like the dark creepy guy leering from behind a tree in the woods rather than Prince Charming. Hozier is NOT down with the blowing of kisses from every single model, his eyes are firmly shut.

-And our grand finale: the premiere of “Style” by Miss TSwizzle. Karlie & Tay (rumored girlfriends, confirmed besties) enter together like bad bitches in lace holding hands. Karlie is rocking a cape and all they needed was a doberman to have fully recreated the Blank Space music video. It’s clear that the Taylor gets to wear/perform for the best collections because this one is another banger. There is a flawless surprised face mid-song from our girl and then CBS had the NERVE to cut to someone in the crowd yawning during the performance. OFF WITH HER HEAD. And we end the show drooling over Taylor’s legs and forgetting about all the models. What’s that? There was actually a final walk? Whatever.

-The models rush backstage to de-wing and they show a person working backstage lose their eyesight permanently due to a wing porking their retina. How many people do you think wear eye patches post the annual VS Fashion Show? I’m gonna go with over/under 100. Poor unfortunate souls.

The Fluff Pieces that made me Lawl:

-Adriana Lima & Alessandra Ambrosio, the VS vets who kill it every year have some time to talk to us about how they’re both moms of two kids, both have names that start with A, and both have been beautiful forever. Therefore, since they have so much in common, they were crowned with the honor of wearing the fantasy bras-aka the super expensive diamond covered bras? I think? To be honest, I stopped listening once they flashed pictures of them at the age of 15 looking like goddesses and not geeky, weird teenagers who were too into Fallout Boy. Definitely not bitter though.

-We get a rare glimpse into the preparation of the show on behalf of the models, who treat it like a big slumber party. Just kidding, they take it seriously–maybe a little too seriously. One of the pretty faces (they all blurred) tells us sternly, “Getting the right wink or right kiss is so important. It’s everything.” I can relate, girl. They talked more about how modeling is super hard and they’re nervous and I applaud them for being so brave and honest. It takes a lot of courage to….sorry what were we talking about again? Oh right, getting paid millions to blow kisses in lingerie.

-We meet Russell James, VS photographer of 14 years who tells us it’s hard for him to express how lucky, blessed and fortunate he feels. Since he’s having a difficult time expressing, I’ll take a stab at it for him. He gets up every morning, flies to exotic warm beaches and takes pictures of hot women with big boobs in bikinis and lingerie, so like, #blessed. Did I capture it? Also props to Kendall Jenner for weaseling her way into a sneaky appearance in this segment, because the world can’t live without a Kardashian appearance/reference.

-Karlie Kloss, resident ride or die bitch to Taylor Swift gets to show us how she’s also a classy ballerina on the side and this little snoozer of a peek into Karlie’s life explains EXACTLY why those two are as tight as they are, baking cookies and going to barre classes on the weekend.

And this ends our yearly look into the fabulous lives of a Victoria’s Secret Angel. I hope I covered it all–we laughed, we cried, we blew a thousand kisses. Until next year!

Performances before they’re inevitably pulled from Youtube:

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Category Archives: Pop Culture

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Lauren Conrad Nuggets of Wisdom

The Olsen Twins: A Timeline of Coordinated Outfits

Ten Best Celebrity Couples

Golden Globes Red Carpet Looks

People’s Choice Awards Red Carpet Looks

The Hills-Top Heidi Moments

Breaking News: Tay & Bey Unite

Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2014