It’s been a beat since I’ve dedicated a blog to my gurl LC, I figure once a month is appropriate even though realistically I could do once a week. I’m trying really hard not to force my girl crushes down your throat. You’re welcome. Anyway, ever since I made the wise and empowered executive decision to round out my DVD box set of The Hills with seasons 3/4 (5-6 don’t count because LC peaced up outta that bitch and the show went to shambles) I’ve been logging an episode per day, soaking in the young adult carefree lifestyle I should be living, full of laying by the pool and nightclubbin’ on weekdays. Instead I’ve been shackled to my apt for months because mass transportation couldn’t handle the 10 tons of snow, but whatever, because I’m still able to really hear the wisdom that LC dishes out to her friends, and I’ve decided to gather her smartest nuggets of unsolicited advice for all of you to consider. Let’s take a few minutes to attend the church of Lauren Conrad and reflect on what she preaches.
1. Go with your gut, but use your head.
Ah one of the many Laurenisms uttered in reference to Justin Bobby. LC knew from the start that JBobz was a real handful but that she couldn’t share her real opinion unless she wanted to be THAT friend who dumps on every guy her BFFs choose. It was just too soon after the Speidi/LC fallout. So instead she spoke in Chinese fortunes when Audrina would ask for her opinion. This is pretty smart of LC because she was being clear that JB was a poor choice, but saying it in a way that would be too hard for Audrina to figure out, because she would have to use her brain, something that was far too difficult for a girl who stared at the ceiling for an entire 6 season series.
2. I think that every guy can change with the right girl.
This is more of a hopeful piece of wisdom. Girl’s got her head in the clouds full of taming bad boys (ahem Jason). LC might’ve been tooting her own horn a little bit here but it’s nice to think that playboys can be tamed. We’ll take this one with a grain of salt.
3. Love is not a maybe thing, you know when you love someone.
LC said this to zero brainwave activity Heidi when they were still friends, Heidi had her original rack and was considering dumping Jordan the hedgehog hired boyfriend from South Carolina. Heidi was all, I think Jordan is mean to me and stuff but I really like having a boyfriend. And when LC asked if she loved him, Heidi had to ask herself if love and sex were different. She was still unsure when LC dropped this truth bomb.
4. You weren’t being over-sensitive, he was being over-asshole.
This is a sassy piece of word vomit from LC that should be bible. Any time a guy treats you like a piece of garbage (in this case it was Justin Bobby…could it really have been about anyone else?) you remember that LC said it’s his fault and not yours!
5. All there is left to do is forgive and forget. So I wanna forgive you and I wanna forget you.
I mean this is a big one. The tell off to Heidi, once and for all. The inner struggle of never forgetting what a shitty friend she was but also wanting that old friendship back. The best part about the whole conversation is that once she lays this beatdown out there, Heidi responds with, “Ok, it was great seeing you.” Realistically how do you respond to LC telling you she would like to forget you exist? Burn City- Population: Heidi Montag.
6. Nobody’s had the best relationships in the past. That’s why they end.
What a modern day love guru LC is when she tries to reassure Brody that just because he’s been the shittiest boyfriend in America doesn’t mean he can’t shape up and give it another go with her. Unfortunately his affinity for dating playgirls eventually gets in the way of that but it’s for the best because Brody also penetrated Kristin and LC can’t afford to keep sharing boyfs with that ho.
7. Don’t ever cry over someone that wouldn’t cry over you.
Even though she says this to Steph, AKA She-Pratt AKA a grown adult who thought that hamsters turn into guinea pigs, this is still an applicable life lesson. Tears should only come into play if both parties involved are baby bitches. If Brody Jenner calls you cray cray, it’s prob not worth sobbing in the bathroom.
8. There’s always that one person that you always go back to.
The classic rule of recycling men to maintain your number, LC basically invented dis shit. Steven, Jason and Brody were in her lineup and boy did they sub in and out a lot. Girl had that rotation on lockdown. All the respect.
9. Like everyone, and trust no one.
BAM. Did LC get a little jaded at some point with all her shady friends and decide that maybe she should start speaking and living like a mafioso? Yeah she did and you know what, I’m cool with it. The mean streets of LA can make you HARD. Girl had to buck up and realize that her besties were about as trustworthy as that big eared betch Elodie. In other words, you can think Stephanie Pratt’s inability to answer a telephone or use the computer is fun and amusing but don’t think for a second it doesn’t mean she’ll jump at the chance to date your ex the minute you go on a family vacay to Italy without cell service and internet.
10. It just is what it is. It’s not always fair.
This deserves to be noted because it’s far too similar to something Scar from the Lion King said (another wise basic bitch). You see, life is NOT FAIR. No but for reals, was it fair that a 22 year old was living in a mansion with a pool, jetting to Vegas and Cabo on the reg and hitting the club circuit every night all on MTV’s dime while I was living in a smelly apt with my parents at 22 suuuuper funemployed? No it’s not fair…but it is what it is.
Now go forth and spread the good word of our Holy LC.