Weekly JUice

Week of 5/25/15

1. 90’s Reunions are all the rage. The hussies of Cruel Intentions did a little girls night out to see the musical version of said movie and Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair got reacquainted with each other’s mouths. In more PG reunions, sitcom pals Jodie Sweetin, Christine Lakin and Beverly Mitchell (Stephanie Tanner, Al Lambert & Lucy Camden) had brunch and didn’t make out with each other. Oh, 90’s nostalgia. Gets me every time. Side note: We can all agree that Cruel Intentions is one of those movies that if it’s on TV we stop everything to watch, right? Just so disturbingly good.

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Oh it's happening!!! #CruelIntentions …..the later years. @reesewitherspoon @therealselmablair #CruelIntentions

A post shared by Sarah Michelle (@sarahmgellar) on May 28, 2015 at 8:11pm PDT

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It's #CruelIntentions times 2 @reesewitherspoon @therealselmablair @thekatiestevens and the entire cast of #cruelintentionsmusical You guys are incredible!!!

A post shared by Sarah Michelle (@sarahmgellar) on May 28, 2015 at 11:51pm PDT

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'I Kissed A Girl, Again, And I Liked It!!' @SarahMGellar & @TheRealSelmaBlair rekindled that #CruelIntentions Big Screen Magic tonight w/ @ReeseWitherspoon when they attended the Sold Out performance of @CruelIntentionsMusical at the @LA_Rockwell! Such an amazing fun night w/ these phenomenal ladies! / Photograph By @Bradley206 #BradEverettYoung #DreamLoudOfficial / #SarahMichelleGellar #Katherine #SelmaBlair #Cecile #ReeseWitherspoon #Annette #CruelIntentionsMusical #LARockwell #Kiss #Cruel #Intentions #Brad #Everett #Young #Photography #Sony / Photo taken w/ the @Sony #A3000

A post shared by Brad Everett Young (@bradley206) on May 29, 2015 at 1:27am PDT

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2. Jason Derulo has a new album full of bangers on bangerz. I put one of his new hits on last week’s JUice but then he threw us for a loop this week by putting his full album out for preview and I haven’t stopped playing it on repeat. Whatever J creates turns to gold. Guy hasn’t made one single song I hate in the past like 3 years. Do your ears a favor and give Everything is 4 a listen.

Full Album Here

3. CMT Music Awards to be hosted by Erin Andrews & Brittany Snow.

What? Pick two more random people to host an awards show for country music. This will most certainly be a trainwreck. Tune in June 10th at 8P to see it all transpire, because you KNOW I will and it will be blogged.

4. I can eat more pizza than Beyonce. Queen B is hammin it up in Florence, dabbling in some pizza and gelato and when she posted this picture of half a pizza, my face immediately broke into a shit-eating grin. I’m finally better than Beyonce at something.

Not only did I crush a whole pizza in Florence, I did it on the REG. I may not be a superstar billionaire queen, but I can PUT AWAY A PIZZA. Respect THAT. Bow down bitches. #CleanPlateClub PS: Did Bey get a heart-shaped pizza? Answer: NO.

5. Prince Farming and his Milkmaid are headed to Splitsville instead of Podunk, IA.

This is last on the list for obvious reasons. A mere months after Chris dum dum Soules picked Whitney because she was the only one who agreed to move to Iowa, they’re dunzo. Color me shocked. Although now that the show is over, can we cut the shit with Chris being a “full time farmer” in Arlington? Bro just did The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars B2B. Something tells me he’s not flying back to Iowa every night to tend to his cows. The schtick is up. He lives in LA and he’s about to become a career reality TV star. Put it in the books.

BONUS for getting through this short week: Zac Efron and his biceps went hiking in Hawaii this past Memorial Day. Lick.

Movies

90’s Movie Characters I Wanted To Date

The fact that I had to ask multiple people if this blog would be funny or creepy can pretty much tell you what line I’m toeing here. The first boys to snag my heart were the classic movie characters of the 90’s and some of them happen to still be great boyf material (fictionally speaking…) Also my legal advisor (my dad) told me to not refer to any of these characters as hot. Probably because they ranged from like 11-17 in these movies. Whatever. I like to play it fast and loose.

October 2023 Update: Most, if not all, of these 90’s dreamboats have been present-day arrested for either domestic or drug abuse…or both. It’s important to note that I don’t condone any of their actions IRL or the scumbags they turned out to be. This blog lives completely in the magic of fictional scripted characters of the 90’s so please put on your make believe hats and envision a world where your teenage self swooned over their witty banter, sensitive side, and athletic prowess and you didn’t have to get distracted by the fact that they’re actually garbage humans. THANKS!

10. Josh Framm (Air Bud 1-100)

Although I can only say I watched the first Air Bud…who doesn’t love a cute guy who loves dogs and also happens to be teammates with his? It’s fate that Josh found Buddy because the two of them were an ally oop dream team (and apparently in later sequels they dabbled in football and soccer) WHAT CAN’T THIS PUP DO?! Regardless, Josh’s BFF was his dog and that’s something that’s definitely not lame when you’re a kid. It’s swoonworthy.

9. Max Dennison (Hocus Pocus)

Max was Joe Cool new kid from LA. Although he took a fair share of bullying, he got a bomb ass nickname from it. Hollywood had game for dayz when he slipped Allison his digits while wearing his best tie dye and then later took her on a date to a haunted house. He’s cool enough to admit he’s a virg when he lights the black flame and then does his best to protect everyone from getting murdered by a bunch of sassy buck toothed witches. What a dreamboat.

8. Josh Burnbalm (Heavy Weights)

Bet I threw you for a loop with this one. Hey, I can get down with the chubsters if they have a kickass personality like Josh did. Josh was the OG of Camp Hope and had an admirable collection of hats and track jackets like a real stud. He was confident and funny and after getting kicked out of camp he even knew how to pull a prank on his fellow fatties when he pretends he was brainwashed. Josh was as smooth as the chocolate stored in Chipmunk cabin’s top bunk.

7. Wally Cleaver (Leave it to Beaver)

The Beav was kind of a little annoying runt, but what really made this movie were the few glimpses of his older brother Wally as hot stuff. Wally was macking on girls during seven minutes of heaven and stealing his BFF’s crush while Beav was getting his bike stolen. Who was the more interesting Cleaver? Plus, THAT hair.

6. Casper (Duh)

K, I’m not about to throw a ghost fetish into the mix, but the fleeting moments in this movie when Casper turns from ghost into human form and gives Kat a smooch? Yes please. Who would’ve thought that a cartoon ghost could be such a cutie IRL. Ghost Casper lays the groundwork to be Kat’s BFF and then human Casper snakes right in and slow dances with her to seal the deal. Good teamwork. Also related but unrelated: the actor who plays Casper, Devon Sawa could’ve easily made this list as three separate characters, guy CRUSHED it as the love interest in 90’s movies.

5. Dean Portman (D2: Mighty Ducks)

Dean Portman was ½ of the Bash Bros and one whole hunky piece of meat. As an avid bandanna wearer who knew that sleeves weren’t in his best interest, Dean loved to rock a little pre-game air guitar and then lay out anyone who got near him on the ice. He fulfilled my bad boy fantasy as a young’n, but he also had a soft spot for a little bromance with Fulton Reed. These two were an aggressive dynamic duo who could get down with slumber parties. (Also we can all agree that D2 is 1000 times better than the original Mighty Ducks right?) Bonus points: Dean had the body of a pro hockey player even though he was supposed to be like 15.

4. Jesse (Free Willy 1-3)

Although Jesse was a little brat at first because he was homeless and sad about his mom hating him, he shaped up real quick and became the apple of my eye. Mostly because he became BFF’s with a killer whale. Oh hey, have you guys met my boyfriend? He’s over there riding Willy through the Pacific, NBD. Jesse could rip the harmonica, was passionate about his best bud and saved him from captivity but still hung out with him on the reg. If you’re wondering if I’d use Jesse to get to Willy, the answer is a hard yes.

3. Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)

Henry broke his arm one summer and when the cast came off he was the best pitcher for the Chicago Cubs. Supes realistic. Whatever, Henry was funny, cute and could totes get me season tix for all you can eat Wrigley Field wieners. And his mom was his BFF which was pretty adorbsies, plus he never forgot who his real friends were. #Loyalty, #MillionDollarPaycheck, #MagicalBones

2. Rocky (3 Ninjas)

Although any of the three boys could’ve made this list, Rocky was the oldest and therefore the most appropriate to have a crush on. Rocky rides a mean bike, dunked in a kid’s face at school and oh wait…is a NINJA. The only thing holding him back? His girlfriend, Emily. WOOOF. You can do better than that, Rocky. Every time I watched that movie I wish Rocky was whispering sweet nothings from a can into my bedroom, not hard puffy bangz Emily. Anyway, Rocky protected Emily when she got kidnapped in her embarrassing pink nightgown which obviously means he’s a phenomenal boyf. Plus he knew how to wear the shit out of a backwards hat, hair poking through.

1. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (The Sandlot)

It should be no surprise to any Sandlot fans how Benny The Jet topped this list. Benny was without a doubt the coolest, most heart-fluttering character of my formative years. He was sick nasty at baseball (and not just because he broke his arm), he was generous to people who sucked (I’m lookin at you, Smalls) and he pickled The Beast. Benny was also a giver to his obviously less hot friends. He totes could’ve gotten Wendy Peffercorn but he let Squints go for the chase while he kicked back and had dreams about Babe Ruth giving him life advice. Benny lacing up a fresh pair of Chucks and hopping that fence still does things to my thirteen-year-old heart. Is this getting pervy? Probably. Whatevs, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez foreva…cause heroes get remembered but legendary characters I wished were my boyfriend never die.

And just for kicks, here’s what everyone looks like present-day. As like, legal adults.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Return of the Britt

Since The Bachelorette feels bad for all that chirping they took for pitting two women against each other and letting the men choose their trophy wife from the case, they soften the blow by intertwining Britt into this episode and giving her a quick love connection. Britt sobs to her mom about having to come home before she even unpacked her bags and knock, knock, it’s Brady Interruptus choosing this point in time to be like hey girl, I missed you since last night and let’s fall in love during the two hour block of tonight’s episode so Chris Harrison can feel better about kicking you off so abruptly.

“Will Britt and Brady fall in love?” Answer: They’ve hung out for a week and are now going steady.

Group Date: “I See This Ending With A Ring.”

Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Ben(s)

Laila Ali is going to teach these turds how to box. Daniel looks genuinely scared just when Laila starts speaking so I already looked forward to him shitting his pants when it came to actual blows. Kupah is like I’ll count this as a free boxing lesson and try to ride out this TV career without ever speaking to Kaitlyn…but more on that later. The boyz face off in front of a paid crowd and Ben Z. who not only is a hottie but has muscles for days too squares off with Jared who is literally half his size and then everyone acts quite shocked when Ben Z. tries to murder Jared. The little runt has to go to the hospital but he’d rather just skip that nonsense and hang with Kaitlyn instead.

Later, Ben Z says he feels bad about trying to knock Jared’s head off with the same amount of fake remorse I use to say I feel bad about eating that ice cream. And here’s something…he tells Kaitlyn how he lost his mom when he was 13. (No really-that’s the segue he uses from talking about BBQ to his dead mom.) Justin has a son named Aurealis (sp?) and I’m gonna need anyone who names their child THAT off the show immediately. While talking to Daniel about his furniture line for his fellow gays, Kaitlyn is slipped a note and jets outta there to see Jared outside, on the lam from the hospital. He demands a smooch for the cold cock he took from Ben Z. It’s the ole Bachelorette barter system, a sloppy makeout in exchange for a minor concussion. In the end, Ben Z. gets the rose and a tongue-ing. Back at the boy scouts ranch, Tony, the only one in the house sporting a fresh black eye, gives a passionate speech about how competition should never result in fisticuffs.

One on One Date- “You Take My Breath Away” Clint

This date is an underwater photoshoot, cause it’s like all the rage for engagement photos and definitely not creepy or corpse-like. They get ready for the photoshoot by breathing deeply and touching each other because apparently this is how one prepares to model in a heated pool.

In addition to looking like their eyes are rolling back in their head whilst drowning, Clint and Kaitlyn have an underwater makeout sesh, which seems quite complicated. They try again above water obviously. No but seriously all the awards to Kaitlyn for looking remotely sexy underwater, my friends and I tried to do a photoshoot in my pool once and it was disastrous. I’m not even being dramats…here was my best take:

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s chlorine in her eyes? I guess you win this round, Kaitlyn. After they make out some more on the roof during dinner, Kaitlyn reveals that Clint brings out her romantic side and therefore he gets a rose.

Group Date: I’m Looking for a Man Who Will Stand Up For Me

JJ, Jonathan, Chris (“Cupcake”), Ian, Joe, Tony, Joshua

Amy Schumer comes in to spice things up, teach the guys improv and drool all over Kaitlyn. Surprisingly, most of the guys do well with their pre-written jokes. JJ acts like a real dick and basically says he’s above everyone else and also that he’s a 30 year old single dad living with his parents. Keep doing you, JJ. Tony gets sauced, has a hard case of the stutters and uses his stage time to pontificate about the universe or something. Everyone in the crowd gets the uncomfy laughs and Tony has no radar for when people are laughing at him, not with him. Cupcake Chris relies on those abs of his to seal the deal when he unbuttons his minty toothpaste shirt.

Later on, Joshua talks about his dogs farting and every time Tony opens his mouth, straight gibberish dribbles out. It was exhausting trying to keep up with his stream of consciousness while also not looking directly into his nightmare bug eyes. I can honestly say I understood Onion Pomegranate better than this goon. They must be eating from the same onion tree near the mansion. Kaitlyn and douchenozzle JJ talk about his daughter some more and Kaitlyn essentially needs a cleanup in aisle underwear every time he even mentions his kid. This turn on that he’s a dad is starting to get real weird. They explore each other’s mouths. Joe takes Kaitlyn outside to eat her face against a brick wall then ruins his aggressive move by saying “Well I’ll be” like a grandpa discovering internet for the first time. Desert sandstorm underwear. JJ gets the rose because Kaitlyn has a dad fetish (that clearly doesn’t apply to dads of kids named after constellations.)

Cocktail Party:

The boys have a Gentlemen’s Agreement (huzzah!) to let the ones who didn’t get dates have some alone time with Kaitlyn and JJ says no way Jose’s and steers Kaitlyn right outta the room. Dick move, bruh. Ian talks about how he casually almost died after college and re-learned how to be a human so he gets a kiss. It’s the bachelor(ette) way to spew your sob story right quick if you think you’re on the chopping block, duhs. JJ tells a room full of testosterone steaming about his power move, “sorry I’m not sorry” like he’s a basic betch justifying having too much jungle juice at the luau themed sorority rush party. Tony is the most angry about it…he could just kill JJ with his bare…kindess.

Out of contestants we forgot existed, Kupah tries to pull the MINORITY CARD to justify why he’s still there when he LITERALLY voted for Britt and has made a point not to talk to Kaitlyn at all. Get out of here Kupah. He sits down with Kaitlyn to accuse her of keeping him around just because he’s black. Kaitlyn tells him he has made 0 effort and now the connection she once felt is gone. He returns to the crew to word vomit his anger and Kaitlyn hears everything from where she’s sitting directly next to him. She stomps on over and cuts off his yapping to take him away and tell him he needs to leave. He acts like an asshole, takes a swig of his whiskey and handcuffs himself to the door refusing to leave. JK but he does throw a baby tantrum and insist he’s not leaving because he thinks Kaitlyn is really sexy and he still would like to have relations with her. Kaitlyn is like no thank you, bye Felicia. Obviously he moves his tantrum right outside to the producers and when Kaitlyn overhears him yelling again she marches right out to handle things because she’s a bo$$. To Be Continued hopefully with a swift knee to Kupah’s groin. Smell ya later, Kupz.

Best Quotes

“Surprise, surprise.” -Tony as he sneaks into Kaitlyn’s bedroom at night and wakes her up with his crazy eyes, presumably to smother her to death with plants.

“JJ’s a sweetheart, he’s just missing charisma, and humility and a sense of humor…Maybe when he sees the show he’ll reflect on himself and not be such a turd.”-Amy Schumer telling it like it is.

“Right now I feel smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence wrapped inside of I just talked to the girl and you didn’t.”-JJ…at least he wraps it up?

“When we first met it was weird but when we hit third year, boy it was amazing.”-The love story Kupah tries to convince Kaitlyn they’ll tell their grandkids. I’m guessing he’ll leave out the part about throwing a tantrum and trying to force this love story into existence.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/18/15

It was a slow week, my apologies, but since I didn’t post one last week because it was the funeral of my 23rd year, I didn’t want to leave ya’ll hanging 2 weeks in a row.

1. Dancing is cool. Sia and her wig head are super weird but whether you are a fan of her music or not this was cool as shit. For someone who walks into the wall pretty much on a daily basis it was baffling to see what skilled coordination looks like.

2. Reese Witherspoon to play Tink in live action Peter Pan. In a world where every Disney movie is reincarnated onstage, animated and live action for extra dough…this is the next in the lineup. Anyway, Reese Witherspoon is already a tiny whimsical blonde so I can’t see anyone more fit for this part.

3. This dress is the stuff. I make a point to never post about Kardashians for obvious reasons but this is a Jenner, so, loophole. There’s a reason she’s the supermodel of the family, her dress in Cannes is my favorite thing I’ve seen this week and Kendall looks like a dime in it.

4. Red Nose Day and all celebs are BFFs who laugh about how rich they are. Apparently there was an actual Red Nose Day special on NBC last night, which I didn’t catch but this was making the rounds this morning and it’s not even that funny but my fave celeb couple is in it and so is Zac Efron sooo….duh.

5. New jams of all genres to take you into MDW. Please bump these whilst nomming on wieners and tossing back bud lattes cause Merica (and Nick Jonas’ muscles…and Luke Bryan’s dance moves…and Jason Derulo’s everything.)

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette-Let the Tongue Smashing Begin

In the first few minutes Chris breaks the news to Britt that shes outtie 5000. Britt is HEARTBROKEN that she just lost all these men who she talked to for a collective 10 minutes. She sobsies in the limo farewell and you know what? I don’t feel bad because Britt has goddess mermaid hair and apparently gives good hug…plus the whole she’s been on TV thing and I don’t think she’ll have a hard time snagging a guy. Take your wah-wahs and your pink pout and save them for the next guy who will come along much quicker than we think. (Hint: It’s Brady.)

When Chris approaches Kaitlyn to give her the news she grabs his shoulders and tries to make out with him. Just kidding, sort of. Chris solemnly says, “Unfortunately Kaitlyn… I had to send Britt home.” HEY CHRIS, YOUSE A DICK. Like reaaallyyy? That was the best way you could think to phrase that? Do you think that when Chris is at home and his kid asks for the keys to the car he says, “I’m sorry son, but you will NOT be able to stay here because you can have the car.” Anyway, he then reminds a shaken up Kaitlyn that her job as a bachelorette is to send people home in the rose ceremony in like five minutes so she better shape up or he’ll turn Britt’s limo right around. Kaitlyn has the easiest first rose ceremony of all time, all she needs to do is yell everyone who voted for Britt say “trophy wife” and boom, elimination round.

Unfortunately, Kaitlyn chooses to forget completely that there are some men in the room who didn’t want her to be the Bachelorette and so she sits down with the guys again and DOESN’T immediately ask who they voted for. Lame. She receives the long awaited welded rose from Joshua while Tony sits by himself among the candles and plants making metaphors about drinking fountains and digging wells.

Jared shows he has balls by being the only one to confess he voted for Britt but makes a hard case for still wanting to be there that didn’t involve advancing his personal career (or opting for a Loveman comic book and movie…yet.) Kaitlyn loves his honesty unfortunately so we know he’s going to stick around. JJ doesn’t confess that he voted for Britt when he totes did but tells Kaitlyn about his three-year-old daughter and in turn, Kaitlyn got horned up for JJ being a dad. No seriously, she basically has a flood warning in her basement just at the mention of him having a kid.

Cupcake Chris doesn’t know how cute he is apparently (according to Kaitlyn.) He takes those perfect dentist teeth of his and goes in for the KILL with Kaitlyn marking his territory as the first person to meet her mouth this season. Good work cupcake boy. Tony watches them mack and then makes the astute observation that you, “Can’t judge a book by its cupcake.” I feel smarter just from hearing that, Tony. Thanks for sharing your wisdom about cupcakes and books. We are all unworthy of your healing powers and dashing middle part.

My boooyyy Shawn B. gets the first impression rose mostly because Kaitlyn can’t even be around him without getting hot and bothered. Same, girl. They seal the deal with a hawt makeout. Although I condone this smooch 100%, I also feel like it’s necessary to add that I REALLY hate the idea of going through constant spit-swapping sounds for another whole season. My Bachelor friends gave me the impression that Soules was a mouth slut and therefore it was rare for kissing to be so common. Looks like we’re in for another real spit sloppy season, and I could certainly do without it. Please kiss Shawn B. only from now on, Kaitlyn. We all know he’s going to be your hubs anyway because WHO WOULDN’T PICK HIM?!

Rose Ceremony: Shawn B., Chris (cause they swapped spit), Ben H., JJ, Joe, Kupah, Daniel, Ryan B., Joshua, Tony, Clint, Corey, Jonathan, Cory, Ben Z., Tanner, Ian, Justin, Jared

The drama got SO REAL when Brady interrupted the rose ceremony and all of the jelly belly Team Kaitlyn bros who are furious about Team Britt bros snagging roses fumed so he can tell her he’s not here for the right reasons. JK he wants all up on Britt. C. Harrison plays matchmaker and hooks him up with the woman of his dreams. So cut the shit with the tears Britt because you’re about to talk bible verses with country superstar Brady. Although maybe you shouldn’t tell him you’re not a country fan and you don’t know who Big & Rich are but still went to their concert.

This season’s preview shockers: Kaitlyn hoes out and admits to it (get it girlfran) and FOR NO REASON AT ALL other than probably for ratings, Nick the baby bitch from Andi’s season is brought back, and DEFINITELY gets some tongue action with Kaitlyn. Remember when Nick handled Andi and Josh like a mature adult and told everyone in America on live TV that he porked Andi in the fantasy suite? Lawls.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Battle of the Sparkle Dresses

“Will this be awkward? Probably.” – Chris Harrison

Will this be sexist? Definitely. Something tells me ABC will be in a liiittle bit of hot water after last night’s episode/this entire new premise for the show. It was downright painful to watch two beautiful women with completely different personalities compete to find their husband, leaving their fate in the hands of 25 guys who believe they know EVERYTHING about these girls from another reality show. Between the guys proclaiming that they came here for one girl then meeting the other and being torn because she also has a vagina, one of the Ryan’s tossing back Fireballs and declaring that he’s going to rape another contestant, OH and the sparkling conversation about which one is a desired trophy wife, I don’t think this season will be well-received with the feminists.

Britt is excited she got a second chance to quit that waitressing job of hers and Kaitlyn is like this blows, they’re gonna pick the slutty one who wears lipstick to bed. To state their cases to the men, Kaitlyn tells a knock knock joke about how this entire show is a joke (point, Kaitlyn) and Britt tells 25 men that she wants a husband and lots of kids like yesterday (probably fueled the trophy wife debate.) Anyway here is a breakdown of suitors who did anything memorable and which girl they ship…(It probably would’ve been effective to divide this blog up by teams but I actually had to work today so cut me a little slack.)

Jonathan

Has a five year old son named Sky and it needs a mom.Wears a maroon suit like a bo$$, basically drools all over Britt and throws Kaitlyn a peace sign. Team Britt, obviously.

Joe the Fivehead

Smalltown Kentucky boy, AKA Chris Soules 2.0. Brings a jar of moonshine for Kaitlyn to swig and she does, cause she can hang. Team Kaitlyn.

Josh

Ah yes, our stripper with a side job of lawyering. His intro brings us into the dark club where he works and even though ABC felt it was necessary to bleep out the word shot in the Billboard Music Awards, they were totes cool with showing Josh’s mostly naked thrusting for enough minutes to make me feel dirty. Makes sense. Really keeps this going when he strips on his way out of the limo. Everyone has the uncomfies. “I haven’t felt like this about a girl in a long, long time,” Josh confesses–or probably since the last time a girl was touching his junk while he shook it in her face. Team Britt.

Brady

Our struggling musician sings his intro, obviously trying to jump start his career. Former baseball player, current G-O-D lover. Has a solid rating scale, “1 out of 10, Britt’s a solid billion.” I see what you did there, Brady. Team Britt.

Joshua

Welds a rose and makes a ton of stupid welding puns, cause like he’s a welder. Duh. Team Kaitlyn.

Ian

Princeton athlete who was hit by a car and in a coma for a hot sec followed by a wheelchair for about a month… aka he’s Nathan Scott without the unfortunate post-accident mullet. Team Kaitlyn. Like really team Kaitlyn..basically tells her he’s obsessed with her.

Jared

He’s a wiener who made up a dumb superhero called “Loveman”..even wearing a specially made shirt to meet the ladies. I’m embarrassed for him. Team Can’t Decide…leaning toward Britt.

Tony

Is a creep or in his words, “Spiritual Gangster”. Tony is a healer and yet is sporting a black eye…He also has a middle part that is really not helping his overall creepmonster look. He says the same practiced monologue to each girl as he exits the limo, Britt eats that shit right up, later they talk for 1 second and Britt says she knows everything that he is. Rrrright. At voting time, Tony gropes each girls’ box and felt that Britt’s box was “pulsating with energy” so he stuck his vote in her box.

Ben Z.

Lost his mom when he was younger and now I feel like a real dick for calling him a mama’s boy in my ranking blog. Bios could’ve tipped me off to that one. Also he’s Team Both, Team Love. (Cop out.)

Ben H.

Asks Kaitlyn to explain her tattoo choice to him. Apparently her elbow tats signify the only bird that remembers how to fly home and also that dirtbag Chris Soules never once asked her about her tats so Ben H. has a leg up on Prince Farming already. Also obsesses over sponsoring poors with Britt and wants to write letters to them or something. Team ?

Ryan B.

Greets Britt and calls her “Disney Princess”, which he probably thought was really swoonworthy but in reality it was weird and gave me the heebie jeebies. Hey guys, quick tip…just stick to princess if you’re going to use it as a term of endearment. This isn’t Kardashley’s season so we don’t need to brand the type of princess a girl is.

Brings a hocky puck and declares to Kaitlyn, “I would love to puck you.” This gains him points in my book but then later he’s talking to Britt and turns into a real baby bitch and is like I can’t compete with the other guys. Changes his mind and wants to puck Britt instead because she comforts him and tells him he CAN compete.

Ryan M.

The Junkyard Specialist that was most definitely planted in this episode for ratings. (He once dated Nikki from Juan Pablo’s season) Regardless, RYAN M IS HORNED UP after a few straight Fireball dranks. (Note to self: Fireball horns a man up.) There is an almost brodown throwdown with Steve Sanders (Shawn E.) He then attempts to ragdoll Britt by her hair while all the guys try to save her from getting a roofie coolatta followed by a little grab ass with Kaitlyn. His swan song, if you will, is stripping down to nut huggers and sliding into the pool with the grace of a beached whale. Chris Harrison (or if you’ve had a few thousand fireballs, Chris Hansen) sends him packing and all the remaining contestants weep because they can’t come off as the strong male hero anymore.

Daniel

The fashion designer who danced out of the limo. I’ll let you interpret that as you may.

Justin

Brought balloons and inhaled helium for his entrance. Didn’t know we were at a middle school birthday party. Kewl.

Tanner

Tried to be a gentleman and brought Britt some tissues because she was a snot machine last season. “Is that soap or a tissue?”-Kaitlyn asks Britt. OHHHHH BURN CITY, POPULATION: BRITT. Britt calls him out for being a dick later with that backhanded gift and he’s like yeah ok. Still surprisingly Team Britt.

Shawn B.

Only guy to go in for the group hug, completely avoiding the awkward choosing who to talk to first. Both Kait and Shawn toss the phrase love at first sight around like nobody’s biz. KAITLYN AND SHAWN 4EVA (Could my predictions be coming true?) He gives Kaitlyn a shitty picture his nephew drew and loses a few points with me but whatevs, he’s still a clear favorite. Team Kaitlyn obv.

Corey

Brings a volleyball (?), asks Kaitlyn if he can still plow her field. She says OK.

Shawn E. AKA Steve Sanders

Rolls up in a hot tub car but is wearing a full suit…clearly didn’t think the dismount through and stepped out of it looking like a real sopping wet turd. Doesn’t matter cause he immediately got CHIRPED by Drunky McDrunkerson who says that car SUCKS. They exchange words later like mature adults. Just kidding, Ryan calls him stupid. Shawn later tells Britt he’s an amateur sexpert or whatever and gives her some sound anal advice. Nailed it.

Chris

Rides up to the mansion in a cupcake topped with candy corn. CHOOSE THE WORST CANDY EVER, Chris. BARF.COM. The sparkle twins are impressed. Clearly it doesn’t take much. Later Chris tells Kaitlyn, “Cold hands, warm heart” and I vomit everywhere. Team Kaitlyn.

The votes are locked in after the men debate if they want a trophy wife or a real wife. Tough decisions. Chris Harrison has a producer count the ballots (couldn’t we get someone more legit?) and before he can announce who won…TO BE CONTINUED flashes as a nice gentle reminder that we’re all a bunch of suckers who will tune in for two more hours tonight just to find out.

(Also in case it wasn’t aggressively obvious throughout this blog, I’m 110% #TEAMKAITLYN)

Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap

I should probably stop having such high hopes for these types of awards shows. It was preeetttyyy roughsicles but there were some glimmers throughout the three hours so here are your highs and lows of the night.

Highs

-Tswizzle made her public debut with Calvin Harris as her boo thang. Every award that she won (there were many) she made sure to hug everyone in her crew but Calv got some smooch action and it was hot sauce. Would’ve been even spicier if Calvin had gone in for the ass grab below, but whateva…the point is they’re obviously porking.

-Speaking of hot sauce, Nick Jonas performed “Jealous” and even though he was essentially wearing a foil blanket that marathon runners get once they’ve finished the race and there were lots of lasers and graphics trying to distract me, he still dripped sex.

-Sam Smith wins top male artist and had to give a silent thank you because he’s having throat surgery, so he made cue cards that told Taylor to play blackjack, shouted out Nicki’s big azzzz and signed up Ed for a Chippendales dance. It was cute and also a quick reminder that all of these mega rich famous people are BFF’s.

-Ed Sheeran murders “Bloodstream” and it’s easily the best performance of the night. I’d like to see ANYONE in that slew of performances that paled in comparison to get up there and run a loop pedal like that. They can’t, so they tromp around the stage in bras instead. (I’m lookin at you, Nicki.)

Full Performance Here

-Harry gave Nial’s junk a little love tap in their victory walk.

-After winning, 1D took the high road (and their publicist’s strong advice, I’m guessing) to thank “their brother Zayn”…which is more mature than calling him out on Twitter, but much less exciting.

-The Florida Georgia Line vest twins each wore nice, flattering, attractive suits. Whoa.

-Meredith Grey. Get it grrrrl.

-The Empire mashup gave us some beatz to work with…fictional or not it was a solid performance.

-Simple Minds perform “Don’t You Forget About Me” for 30 year Breakfast Club tribute. Lead singer wearing the shit out of a plaid blazer, accentuates it with a whole lot of gyrating.

Lows

-Taylor’s Hunger Games style “Bad Blood” music video with every single person she’s ever talked to starring as a different villain trying to kill her. It was way too much and the remix wasn’t my fave. Girl looked great but come on. Best villain name: Slay-Z for Gigi. I want that to be my alter ego. Also Tay as a ginge. Watch below if you want sensory overload.

-Opening performance of Van Halen so they can catch their target audience of old people before they go to bed at 9PM. The forced sexual shout out to Nicki Minaj mid-song was a little too “HEY WE’RE HIP AND KNOW THINGS”

-Hate to say it but Chrissy Teigen and LUUUDAAAA were kind of duds at hosting. Luda should’ve done a medley of his hits to kick off the show. THAT would have been the stuff. Chrissy kept relying on cracks about how she gets penetrated by John Legend on the reg. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been better.

-Mariah Carey performs to let everyone know that she’s retiring to Las Vegas and she doesn’t sing one of her old bangers so what was even the point of that? She also shrieks at the end, which is a nice reminder that she has to struggle to hit the high notes these days.

– The 1000th Paul Walker tribute with “See You Again” where Wiz decides to honor his homie Paul by going nips out for the boys in a nude colored blouse. Then had a nice quick seizure at the end. RIP

-Little Big Town and Faith Hill with a hard buzzcut sing “Girl Crush”. Could this song be any slower? Could Faith’s hair be any shorter?

-The Billboard Music Awards started F’ing with me when they put two people I despise onstage together for a collab. Pitbull and Chris Brown. It’s like they were almost taunting me to turn the TV off. (I chose to take a snack break instead.)

-It’s actually embarrassing that the Britney/Iggy song had to follow Ed. Because it is trash. Britney wore duct tape over her lady bits, which was really considerate of her. They did tacky 80’s choreography to match this shitty song and I wanted to close my eyes and ears so many times. Petition for Britney and Mariah to stick to Vegas.

-Molly Ringwald thirstily asks if she can be part of Taylor’s crew and they ham it up in the audience because honestly who doesn’t want to be included in the popular crowd? Kind of embarrassing that you have to ask though, right Molls?

-Imagine Dragons, best known for their wild performances banging on drums and screaming do the Ben E King tribute with “Stand By Me”. Hmm…really makes you wonder who pinpointed them as the best option for that.

-Kayne is the closer and it’s about 6 minutes of pyrotechnics and silence. 99% of his song is bleeped out and you can’t even see him. THAT IS ART.

-Chrissy and Luda sign off and take a S***. Oh wait…I’m not a square so I’m allowed to say what they did. THEY TOOK A SHOT. They literally tossed back liquor on television BUT WEREN’T ALLOWED TO SAY THE WORD SHOT WITHOUT IT GETTING BLEEPED OUT. In what world does it make sense to have every female singer parade their RB curtz around stage just fine but the word SHOT (also can be used to describe a vaccination) is censored off the TV. Mic. Drop.

Full Winners List:

Top Duo/Group- One Direction Top Billboard 200 Album- Taylor Swift, 1989 Top Rap Song- “Fancy” Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX Top Male Artist- Sam Smith Top Radio Song- “All of Me” John Legend Top Female Artist- Taylor Swift Top Touring Artist- One Direction Top Hot 100 Song- “All About That Bass” Meghan Trainor Billboard Artist (fan-voted)-Taylor Swift Top Country Artist- Florida Georgia Line Top Artist- Taylor Swift

Red Carpet

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet

Hey guys, I actually showered on No-Shower-Sunday so this gives me every right to rank who looked like a garbage can at the Billboard’s.

Worst:

Zendaya’s back to barf.com outfits.

Not a good enough reason to show your belly button and almost vagina, Rita.

Sweet noutfit (nude outfit), Jussie.

This is a Christmas party dress. Let’s stick to summer thoughts.

COME ONNN. WHY ARE YOU EVEN WEARING A DRESS AT THIS POINT?

Because only Mariah would walk the red carpet with oversized sunglasses like an asshole.

Brit. Woof.

This dress is making me dizzy. Sry, girl.

All I’ve ever wanted is for Harry to throw a little dry shampoo in that lettuce of his.

Best:

I-G-G-Y coming in Saasssyyy. Could be because she’s standing next to dud city but I dig.

Yes, please.

Nick knew my favorite color is purple. He’s just toying with my emotions now.

FIDDY. Left field. Fresh to death.

Taraji has been dressing like a sassmonster lately and I don’t hate it.

Jesse never disappoints in his suit game.

This grew on me, the men are really impressing me with the unique suits this time around.

tswizzle Screen Shot 2015-05-17 at 9.22.48 PM

Tay is owning this. Strut city with those billion dollar legs.

Obv fave outfit of the night and also squad goals:

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Before You Go Make Sure You Know”

First and foremost let’s all thank the network Gods for approving a season 4 of Nashville because otherwise how would we know if DEACON DIES?! Can you imagine if they left us with that predictable (literally I predicted it last week) cliffhanger ending and there wasn’t a season 4 to resolve it? I can’t even think about it… I just get too stressed.

As far as season finales go, this one was not stressful at all. In fact I would go so far as to say nothing actually happened…so we’re going to break it down in categories of things that I liked and things that I didn’t.

HIGHLIGHTS (Things I liked):

-Juliette completing her full transformation back to villain. This was real entertaining to watch. Girl’s completely over her intervention and doesn’t have time for the IT that ruined her life and her vagina. She stomps her finished album into Rayna with Bucky and Glen in tow and when they’re like heyyyy maybe slow your roll and tend to your fresh baby, she replies with “SCREW YOU, SCREW YOU, AND DEFINITELY SCREW YOU LADY!” No seriously, she called Rayna “lady”. I figured this was Juliette’s rock bottom until she went home and Avery tries to sugarcoat their bundle of joy and asks Juliette to sing to her so Juliette’s like fine give her to me betch, which casually turns into Mama Bear hurling a snow globe at her husband and baby’s bodies. NBD. Juliette’s like whoopsie lemme go grab a broom and Avery tells her to maybe GTFO. When she replaces the happy family snowglobe, Avery boohoos a lot and tells her that she’s sick and she needs to pick family or music and then he peaces out so that Juliette can glare into that crystal ball snowglobe, call up Luke and say Wheels up!

-Will sashays outta that closet which seems a little premature…oh wait never mind he’s been avoiding it for two full seasons at a standstill. SO IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME. After hanging out with his dad who sees two men touch hands and declares that he’s lost his appetite (ironclad stomach), Will tries to convince his father and Luke that the pics just show a work retreat and he’s healed of the gay. He even asks boytoy to tell the press that bros caress each other shirtless on work trips all the time, duh. Until finally in front of the press Will says, “I called this press conference cause ya’ll got it wrong.” Har-Har. JK he follows that with I’m gay and I’m not ashamed. So here we are. Will loves his boyf and he’s gay and here to stay.

-Bev-D-O-Double G faces off with Rayna the only way they know how in Nashville…a sing-off. Just kidding, but Bev does move in on family harmonizing hour (every day between 4 and 5 duh.) and Maddie/Daphne are like omgeee we loveeee Aunt Bev as the Bevmonster throws Rayna a smirk and announces she’s staying in Nashville after the surgery. Rayna is forced to thank Bev profusely for what she’s doing and Bev is like yeah, whatever, turns out I’m the hero now (insert evil cackle).

-Teddy won’t give up Tandie’s name to the Feds, #LOYALTY, so he ends up going to the clink…but the real entertainment comes from his arrest going down on live TV and no one in his family even noticing because they care more about Deacon dying. Lawlz.

LOWLIGHTS (Things that were stupid):

-An actual scene from the Boyhood trailer (I never watched the movie..it looked boring, sue me.) coming to life in Deacon’s nightmares about dying with suuuuuper creepy music. Hey guys, I’m watching a soap opera about country music, not a horror movie, enough with the buried alive to creeptastic music.

-Juliette signing with Luke because she’s mad at everyone in her life, recruiting Fordham as her manager (because he hates kids too) and putting on a snooze worthy performance in a hideous skin tight joutfit. NOTHING compared to her previous rooftop banger. Also mended the rift between Fordham and Luke about Will being gay (why is this a thing…)

-Hot Doc invites Scarlett to move in with him and she immediately agrees and then immediately tells Gunnar.

-The return of Micah via Face Time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He’s all HEY MOM AND DAD CAN’T W8 FOR YOU TO VISIT. Gunnar wants to continue being illegitimate daddy to the little nuisance but told Kiley they shouldn’t kiss anymore.

-….Because Scarlett and Gunnar are still drawing out their inevitable porking and surprise to no one they write a lovely song togets and perform it at the hospital on the roof with the city lights all around them and their harmonizing leads to a smooch at the end. Yawn. The song (I Will Never Let You Know) is on par for their duets but I still hate them both.

–Jeff/Layla continue their power struggle when Fordham takes all technology away from Layla and also tells her she’s a heffer who should hit the treadmill. Layla smartens up a little and sneaks a voicemail from Rayna whose obviously worried about her being a casj prisoner of the Fordham jail and Layla gets curious so she sneaks onto The Google and somehow finds a picture of the EXACT moment Jeff gives passed out Layla side eye and sends the tweet from her phone. Weird how that very second was captured. Anyway, it inspires her to go Elin Nordegren on Jeffy’s car until he’s like I did it because I never want to lose you, slow dip, kiss, brainwashing to be continued next season. Yiikes. Does Layla have any redeeming qualities with her relationship choices? Don’t answer that.

THE “CLIFFHANGER”:

All of Deacon’s creepy dreams catch up to him before surgery and he’s like hey Ray Ray let’s do a quick shotgun right here in my hospital room pre-op. Rayna convinces him that he’s going to live and they’re going to grow old together (sweet), they say vows but don’t really get married (for the awww factor.) Deacon is put under to the same music from his dreams which like enough with that shit and he panics and in the final moments we see a monitor flat-lining and I pat myself on the back for my phenomenal prediction of how this episode will end. Hot doc comes out and says he has some bad news for Rayna. After hearing about how Deacon is DYING for a full season I almost want him to die so everyone will shut the hell up about it. But no…alas it will be Bev who bites it on the operating table (AFTER they snatch up that liver.) Why? Because if it’s one thing I know it’s that Nashville LOVES killing off the characters we already sorta don’t like. Teddy’s lying mistress Peggy eating a bullet, anyone? Lamar the swindling asshole having a heart attack? Pete the wife beater getting shot? Am I missing anyone? Anyway, the bitchy sister/terrible mom who didn’t even want to give up her liver to save her bro’s life in the first place seems like a hot candidate for the finale kill-off dontcha think? Until next season, folks. GUITAR RIFF.

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette: Ranking the Contestants

Thank the man upstairs that ABC released the bro bios with juuuust enough time for me to forget who they all are before the premiere on Monday. I think I’d like to take this opportunity to judge them all before we get to meet them so I’ve taken the liberty of ranking them by physical appearance and how they answered the few dumb questions casting directors asked them. First impression (rose): Ben is the new Ashley. Nope I take that back, Corey is, just kidding it’s Josh, errr Ryan, no it’s Shawn. Oh wait…there are two (+) of every name. This is going to be a nightmare, nickname suggestions welcome to keep these fitness fanatics with the top three common American white boy names straight.

Tony, 35

This guy is a dad without the dad bod. The hair that says I’m trying to be surfer cool but I’m not sure if I’m pulling it off right, the pose, everything. Anyway…Occupation: Healer. This literally sums up everything you need to know about Tony.

Shawn E.

Bruh. What’s with the puka shells? Are you trying to find a wife or are you legitimately Steve Sanders, circa 1997? Shawn E. wins most likely to frost his tips and do a front spike. He’s also an Amateur Sex Coach. New career goals: find a job with the word amateur in the title. Yiikes. Gettin a real creepster vibe from our first Shawn of the group. Also his perfect first date ended with AND I QUOTE “Embracing and loving until sunrise.” Someone pls buy me a new laptop because I just puked all over mine.

Clint

But actually…what’s with the swoopy hair that needs to be tucked behind your ears trend? Either grow it out long enough for a sexy man bun or keep it short. Gawd, Clint. Otherwise no real red flags here, except he chose to be Chuck Norris out of ANYONE IN THE WORLD for a day. So that’s real dumb.

Corey

I’m getting a reeealll saucy vibe from this pose. Regardless, Corey with an E looks old AF. He’s an investment banker, which probably factors into the old face, claims he has small tattoos (tramp stamp? heart on the ankle?) and called the Dalai Lama an “enlightened cat.” Jazz fingers for CorEy going home the first night.

Josh

Normally Josh would rank higher on the list because his occupation is Law Student/Exotic Dancer and a whole slew of Magic Mike scenarios flooded my brain (and my underwear.) Unfortunately upon reading more about Josh, I learned he’s probably a liar who tells lies. His biggest accomplishment to date is graduating law school, yet his occupation says law student. Hmm…someone doesn’t want to fess up to being a full time stripper, obv. He also chose future Josh to have dinner with. Will future Josh still be a stripper?

Joshua

We’re getting our two Josh’s out of the way right quick. This one is an “industrial welder”, which seems kind of like Chris Soules was a “farmer” who can leave his farm for months at a time and also live elsewhere. Anyway, Joshua’s biggest date fear is his mom crashing and forcing him to blow his nose. Um, weird? He also picked Tom Hanks to have lunch with. Goodbye.

Joe

Joe here has a real hard case of the five-head. Looking past his cartoon shaped head, he is asked for a five year plan and says that’s too far ahead to plan out because he lives day by day. Hey Joe, do you even know what this show is? It’s to find ya wifey, and Britt wants 100 kids to walk out of her vagina, so you better start planning.

Jonathan

Jonathan is an Automotive Spokesman… I now have images of him being the announcer on Wheel of Fortune… “Tammy you just won a brand new caaaarrrr, come onnn dooownnnnn!” Also Jonathan is boring as shit and that scenario in my head was more entertaining than reading his bio.

David

Another middle of the pack bore that will probably receive the Samantha treatment and get the boot after several weeks of not speaking, David is in real estate, idolizes his little sis and wants Brad Pitt to teach him how to charm a woman.

JJ’s a hottie but guess what I’m going deeper than that. His job title is former investment banker and when asked about his date fear he says wasting time/money on someone just using him for dinner. AKA JJ’s on the unemployment grind. Possible reason for unemployment gleaned from this small bio? He has a gambling addiction. Clues: His most outrageous thing he’s ever done was win $20,000 betting a college football game and his hero is Robert Downey Jr. for overcoming adversity and recovering. Meeethinks JJ is on rough terms with his bookie right now. What can I say, I really did some investigative journalism there.

Brady

If you didn’t already guess it from his appearance, Brady is an aspiring country singer/songwriter AKA he’s using this show as a vehicle to become famous and therefore we don’t want you Brady, go away. HOWEVER, he did win bonus points with me for citing “explosive diarrhea” as his biggest date fear.

Daniel

Daniel is a fashion designer from Nashville, which is interesting for a straight man. Also one of his favorite movies is Big Fish and suddenly I hate him. That was the worst movie I ever had to sit through and I also happened to be trapped on a bus when I was forced to watch it. Daniel also biked across America so three cheers for being more athletic than me and having shitty taste in movies. I better see what you design if you want to redeem yourself.

Ian

Ian is an Executive Recruiter which is absolutely one of those jobs that sounds important but we have no idea what he actually does. Nothing too exciting to report here except that he picked Jimmy Kimmel as his person to have lunch with which means he’s being a kiss ass and I don’t respect it. Win fair and square without sucking Jimmy Kimmel’s D.

Ben Z.

Chose to have lunch with his mom because he will take any time with her he can get. MA-MA’S BOY.

Chris

Chris is a dentist, which explains that over the top blinding veneer smile. I love a guy to have a good smile but this is too much. Chris would be the date to eat a spinach casserole, finish, smile and have a cartoon sparkle on his teeth while you have spinach weaved throughout your gums in the most hideous of fashions. Did I get carried away there? Probably but this smile intimidates me. Fun fact: his biggest date fear is the chick eating his food which is NOT gonna fly with me. CHRIS.DOESN’T.SHARE.FOOD.

Justin

Justin’s a hunk but seems pretty boring. Unless you factor in that he would choose to be “someone from a less privileged country” for a day because it would be “an eye-opening experience.” In other words, Justin is only charitable in hypothetical situations. I bet if you gave him a ticket to Haiti right now he’d be like oh no, no, I only answered that to make myself look better, please don’t make me actually go there.

Tanner

Tanner’s a country fan, which I dig, but he doesn’t like sloppy drunks, so that doesn’t add up.

Kupah

Kupah got 1 trillion bonus points just for having a name that I will actually remember. He’s a Boston boy who worships Marky Mark (eye roll) but uses a well-placed Sandlot quote in his bio when he says marriage is “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER.” He’s also an entrepreneur, which is fancy for unemployed/club promoter.

Ryan B.

Ryan B. has gr8 hair but doesn’t know how to use Twitter. He went to text his girlfriend a pic once (mirror selfie I’m assuming) and accidentally tweeted it instead. It’s a good thing he’s so pretty. He’s also a realtor and I can totally see his face being on a bench somewhere in Florida.

Cory

E-less Cory is much hotter than CorEy and I’m not afraid to admit it. His greatest date fear is that it’s a dude, which wouldn’t be a fear unless it’s happened before, right? We’ll forgive him because he’s a Texas boy (prob has a sexy accent) and if he could be anyone for a day it would be his younger self. Don’t we all wish we could be younger, Cor.

Ryan M.

Ryan M’s got a Father’s Day Sears Catalog look to him but his biggest date fear is “The person being terrible.” And that literally made me laugh out loud. RyGuy tells it like it is…except when it comes to his job which is listed as “Junkyard Specialist” and now I’m convinced there must be a google translator where you type in your job and it spits out a fancy title. i.e. Garbageman–>Junkyard Specialist.

Jared

Jared did something I haven’t seen any other guy do, and that’s sneak a rom-com into his fave movies list. He chose Crazy, Stupid, Love…a phenomenal Ry Gos flick that gave him lots of bonus points. Other things working in his favor: his love and admiration for his dad, his volunteer work at a children with cancer summer camp and his life goals to be Obama for a day. Jared looks GREAT on paper. (The famous last words before every online dating FAIL.)

Bradley

Bradley is an International Auto Shipper, which sounds illegal but he looks like he just stepped off of a yacht in Nantucket. He wants a chick who can understand his sarcasm (Kaitlyn), loves Will Ferrell movies, got a tennis scholarship to college and would love to be Tom Brady for a day so he could bang one out with Gisele after being a bo$$ QB (touchy subject currently.) Bradley seems like a real guy’s guy and will probably provide some entertainment, earning him the number 2 seed in my rankings.

Shawn B.

Give it to me in that Blue V-neck with your thumbs hooked into your pockets, Shawn B. So duhs that Shawn B is a hottie with a body, but his details really seal the deal for top choice. His favorite music includes country and “One Direction, obviously.” His greatest achievement so far is when him and his dad bought an 1888 farm house and rehabbed/rebuilt it. Lastly, if he could be anyone for the day he would be his dog to see what goes on in his head. SHAWN B KNOWS HOW TO FLOOD A CHICK’S BASEMENT. He’s a directioner, essentially is Noah Calhoun from The Notebook, which means he’s basically Ryan Gosling and he’s a dog lover. Sold. Why is he still single? Britt doesn’t deserve him. Kaitlyn and Shawn B. for the final rose. Book it.

If you want to form your own opinions instead of accepting mine as bible, visit the full cast page here

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Yearly Archives: 2015

Weekly JUice

90’s Movie Characters I Wanted To Date

The Bachelorette- Return of the Britt

Weekly JUice

The Bachelorette-Let the Tongue Smashing Begin

The Bachelorette- Battle of the Sparkle Dresses

Billboard Music Awards Recap

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet

Nashville- “Before You Go Make Sure You Know”

The Bachelorette: Ranking the Contestants