Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette-Let the Tongue Smashing Begin


In the first few minutes Chris breaks the news to Britt that shes outtie 5000. Britt is HEARTBROKEN that she just lost all these men who she talked to for a collective 10 minutes. She sobsies in the limo farewell and you know what? I don’t feel bad because Britt has goddess mermaid hair and apparently gives good hug…plus the whole she’s been on TV thing and I don’t think she’ll have a hard time snagging a guy. Take your wah-wahs and your pink pout and save them for the next guy who will come along much quicker than we think. (Hint: It’s Brady.)

When Chris approaches Kaitlyn to give her the news she grabs his shoulders and tries to make out with him. Just kidding, sort of. Chris solemnly says, “Unfortunately Kaitlyn… I had to send Britt home.” HEY CHRIS, YOUSE A DICK. Like reaaallyyy? That was the best way you could think to phrase that? Do you think that when Chris is at home and his kid asks for the keys to the car he says, “I’m sorry son, but you will NOT be able to stay here because you can have the car.” Anyway, he then reminds a shaken up Kaitlyn that her job as a bachelorette is to send people home in the rose ceremony in like five minutes so she better shape up or he’ll turn Britt’s limo right around. Kaitlyn has the easiest first rose ceremony of all time, all she needs to do is yell everyone who voted for Britt say “trophy wife” and boom, elimination round.

Unfortunately, Kaitlyn chooses to forget completely that there are some men in the room who didn’t want her to be the Bachelorette and so she sits down with the guys again and DOESN’T immediately ask who they voted for. Lame. She receives the long awaited welded rose from Joshua while Tony sits by himself among the candles and plants making metaphors about drinking fountains and digging wells.

Jared shows he has balls by being the only one to confess he voted for Britt but makes a hard case for still wanting to be there that didn’t involve advancing his personal career (or opting for a Loveman comic book and movie…yet.) Kaitlyn loves his honesty unfortunately so we know he’s going to stick around. JJ doesn’t confess that he voted for Britt when he totes did but tells Kaitlyn about his three-year-old daughter and in turn, Kaitlyn got horned up for JJ being a dad. No seriously, she basically has a flood warning in her basement just at the mention of him having a kid.

Cupcake Chris doesn’t know how cute he is apparently (according to Kaitlyn.) He takes those perfect dentist teeth of his and goes in for the KILL with Kaitlyn marking his territory as the first person to meet her mouth this season. Good work cupcake boy. Tony watches them mack and then makes the astute observation that you, “Can’t judge a book by its cupcake.” I feel smarter just from hearing that, Tony. Thanks for sharing your wisdom about cupcakes and books. We are all unworthy of your healing powers and dashing middle part.

My boooyyy Shawn B. gets the first impression rose mostly because Kaitlyn can’t even be around him without getting hot and bothered. Same, girl. They seal the deal with a hawt makeout. Although I condone this smooch 100%, I also feel like it’s necessary to add that I REALLY hate the idea of going through constant spit-swapping sounds for another whole season. My Bachelor friends gave me the impression that Soules was a mouth slut and therefore it was rare for kissing to be so common. Looks like we’re in for another real spit sloppy season, and I could certainly do without it. Please kiss Shawn B. only from now on, Kaitlyn. We all know he’s going to be your hubs anyway because WHO WOULDN’T PICK HIM?!

Rose Ceremony: Shawn B., Chris (cause they swapped spit), Ben H., JJ, Joe, Kupah, Daniel, Ryan B., Joshua, Tony, Clint, Corey, Jonathan, Cory, Ben Z., Tanner, Ian, Justin, Jared

The drama got SO REAL when Brady interrupted the rose ceremony and all of the jelly belly Team Kaitlyn bros who are furious about Team Britt bros snagging roses fumed so he can tell her he’s not here for the right reasons. JK he wants all up on Britt. C. Harrison plays matchmaker and hooks him up with the woman of his dreams. So cut the shit with the tears Britt because you’re about to talk bible verses with country superstar Brady. Although maybe you shouldn’t tell him you’re not a country fan and you don’t know who Big & Rich are but still went to their concert.

This season’s preview shockers: Kaitlyn hoes out and admits to it (get it girlfran) and FOR NO REASON AT ALL other than probably for ratings, Nick the baby bitch from Andi’s season is brought back, and DEFINITELY gets some tongue action with Kaitlyn. Remember when Nick handled Andi and Josh like a mature adult and told everyone in America on live TV that he porked Andi in the fantasy suite? Lawls.


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