I made the sacrifice on a relaxing day full of family and food, to permanently glue my ass to the couch and consume everything on TV this morning just for you guys. You’re welcome, really. Here are the greatest hits of the Macy’s parade and the National Dog Show…should you be sick of family time and looking for some reading material post-turkey nap.
Macy’s Parade:
-Baldwinsville marching band does a SASSY rendition of a daft punk medley and reps CNY for all to see.
-Meghan Trainor performs a new song that I dig hard on a children’s toy float. Gurrrl power.
-There’s a Sea World float with Shamu that feels like it shouldn’t be included due to the fact that ever since Blackfish came out everyone hates Sea World. Read the crowd, guys…
-Nick Jonas wears the shit out of a peacoat and sings Jealous Guy…atop a cruise line float, which leads me to wonder if people get to pick the float they ride on?
-Matt Lauer is forced to describe balloons as if they are celebrities walking down the red carpet. “And here comes Paddington Bear wearing his signature hat and jacket…”
-There was a Peter Pan preview/performance and I got even less excited for the premiere of this live show next week–which means my excitement levels are in the negatives currently.
-MKTO got me revved up by singing Classic (still can’t get sick of that one) and also they won the float lottery with Ninja Turtles, MKTO has street cred, yo.
-In my dad’s words: Kiss “blew shit up again…ya gotta love ’em.” Though I don’t share this opinion, their performance was miles better than the weird video game salute dance that was shortly after.
-They promote the new Annie with that little 7 year old who almost swept the Oscars and brought a dog purse to the show a couple years ago, Jay-Z’s version of Hard Knock Life will ALWAYS be better, jus sayin.
National Dog Show:
(I didn’t see the whole show, sorry I’m not sorry, some of us had to take public transportation to our thanksgiving destination today)
-So many sensible shoes in one room, so little time.
-I saw a lot of ugly dogs and I didn’t think that would be possible considering how much I love puppies.
-Speaking of ugly dogs, the hairless black one that looked like an animated dog from Harry Potter will haunt my dreams tonight.
-What was the deal with the handlers eating their dogs’ treats? Share the wealth, guys. Nobody likes a tease.
-When my dad and I were contributing absolutely nothing to dinner, sitting on the couch making fun of dogs and my mom asked if he would come carve the turkey he replied, “No, they’re about to announce the best in show.” Happy Holidays from my family to yours.
-The man, the myth, the legend, Edd “Double D” E. Bivin was the Best in Show judge. What a rockstar.
-Nathan the Bloodhound won but let’s be straight up here…the sammy was ROBBED with the second place award. The sammy trotted around with an ear to ear grin and looked like a fluffy pile of happiness and was also well-behaved so WTF, Double D Ed?! I demand a recount.
Tha real MVP.
Hope ya’ll had a nice Thanksgiving and stuff. I never thought leggings could feel constricting but that’s a place I got to today. Proud of it.
PS I didn’t want to have to go here, but Pitbull came close to ruining the day when he performed in Dallas as the halftime show. He did the same medley of songs he does every time he hits a stage and he was wearing creepy gloves and shades and grinding up on the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Can we have a solid week without him on TV orrrr?
The theme of this week’s episode is we’re all rich but we’re suuuupess humble…you know, minus the humble part. We have another week with a no-show from supposedly new character Eileen…probably for the best but this also means we have to endure another week of Adrienne returning for a cut of the pay and the fame. But we’ll get to that nonsense later.
We start on Brandi’s moving day…she’s no longer homeless, guys. She has a house with a roof and apparently enough dough to hire movers that absolutely strip at night, Magic Mike style. Kim comes over to “help”, aka pull up a chair with Brandi and her hairstylist as they ogle the movers that are roughly half their age while they carry in Brandi’s stripper paraphernalia and nude portraits. This is an opportune time for Brandi to remind us about JR, who apparently she no longer dates but still phone sexes with. Since she’s not tied down, she’s free to stare at fresh out of college (jk they prob didn’t go to college) movers’ abs and then later bang one. Whoops–spoiler alert.
In an attempt to show the difference between how Brandi lives and how the rest of the housewives live, we move onto the villain who continues to cackle atop her ivory tower of evil, otherwise known as Lisa. She has a meeting with someone who creates her handmade silk shirts with her name encrusted in jewels on them. She just doesn’t have the time to shop, guys. She then introduces us to “the help” because she’s a woman of the people. Lisa tells a heartwarming story about how her immigrant maid was walking uphill to another interview and she poached her, told her to get in the Benz, and saved her from her terrible life of walking places. “One good deed” is hiring a maid apparently. Lisa later goes diamond shopping with Shiva (Muhamed’s girlfriend) and the two of them try on grossly expensive diamonds and make a bunch of innaprops sexual jokes toward the jeweler. Nice try, Lisa, we all know can afford all the diamonds in the world and don’t need to pay in sexual favors.
In case you aren’t yet full of humble pie, let’s have another slice with Kyle as she prepares for her family vacation in Lake Tahoe. Kyle tries to explain in a way that doesn’t make her whole family sound like a bag of assholes, that Mauricio only flies private now because he hates airports and is above the common traveler. She giggles and says, that sounds awful, doesn’t it? Yes, yes it does. To offset this statement she tells her own story of when Mauricio and her were first married and poor, they told their kids to act like babies so that they could sneak them on the airplane without paying for their seats. Giggle, giggle. I think we took a sharp turn in the opposite direction there, Kyle…you overcorrected and told us all how you used to cheat the airlines and everyone still hates you. Cool story though. While boarding their private plane to Tahoe, we see more of Portia being a goddamn toddler diva and I for one will not be able to watch this unfold every week. NIP IT IN THE BUD, KYLE.
Yolanda shows off her bangin bod by surprising David with a fully cooked dinner in lingerie. Is it just me or does “Hi, my love” give you the cringes every time that it’s uttered? David is his usual creepy self and remembers to ask where the kids are after he’s already popped a boner. During dinner he reminisces about the time Yolanda dressed like a hooker in red lingerie and a trench coat and the retelling of the story is so scripted and forced that I was forced to call the uncomfortable police to my apartment, stat. It was an emergency. They eat one bite of dinner, David GRACIOUSLY offers to clear the table and hand off the dishes to their maid so long as Yolanda can be his dessert. ALL THE PUKE. EVERYWHERE. After we see Yo in this getup, it’s a liiiiittle hard to understand how a commercial break later she’s unable to button her pants and declares she’s fat after she makes some outrageous pterodactyl noises trying to get the pants on. Realistically, she probably went from a 00 to a 0. OH THE HORROR. She discusses her fat people problems with the hired help who sympathizes because that’s what she’s paid to do. Yo sticks with her whoutfit (white outfit) that “doesn’t fit” and hits the stables with Kim.
We learn right away at the horse stables that Dutch vs. American riding outfit styles is classy vs. trashy. Kim (in her trashy riding gear) knows all about animals cause she was once a PROFESSIONAL ACTRESS-REMEMBER? Yolanda confesses in her aside, “Kim and I haven’t really gotten along but since I met her and saw what an unhinged person she was I’ve wanted to be her caretaker.” More or less. They ride and bond over horse farts and their kids going to college.
Kim may have seemed normal with Yolanda, but let’s not forget how a mere 10 minutes earlier she and Brandi decided to don wigs and scarves and stalk Brandi’s ex boyfriend who is now banging someone new. Although I admit Brandi looked fab with her glasses, this was a real loony tune of a joint activity for them. It’s probably because Kim “has a family history of stalking”. This explains everything and nothing all at once. Brandi talks more about her 23 year old conquest Jake Ryan (by use of full name multiple times, it’s clear that he’s only a part of this episode because his thirst for fame is so real and he has an agent.) Kim tries to be a supportive friend but is internally dialing up the cops because her son is 23 and she’s having visions of cougar Brandi snatching him up next. They catch JR doing nothing, but at least we got to see two grown woman wearing heels and wigs climb in and out of a bush definitely full of creatures.
The grand finale this week is the meeting of Brandi and Adrienne, or as I like to refer to it, the battle of the visible dark roots. (Adrienne is a victor with her black roots basically down to her knees. Time to touch up the bottle blonde, girlie, now that you’ve clawed your way back onto TV again). Brandi is super nervsies and talks about it to death with her hair stylist and then has the nerve to interrupt Kyle while she’s yachting in Tahoe. Kyle eats that shit right up though because she’s been salivating at the opportunity to insert herself into this drama since she heard they were talking at HER infamous White Party. The lunch occurs and is largely uneventful because the two ladies both act like mature adults for once. This is probably the most peaceful apology lunch to ever occur in housewife history-Brandi strings together a sincere apology, Adrienne accepts and suddenly they’ve moved past the fur vest hurling of f-bombs at a rooftop cocktail hour. They start to dish on Lisa and the episode ends with a happy ending for Adrienne and Brandi but a foreboding feeling that the ice queen will strike again. (Seriously, Bravo, how long are we going to play this out?)
PS In less dramatic news: Rinna continues to be cool and down to earth and not actually belong on this show full of self-indulgent monsters. Rinna knows when to laugh at herself and proves it by showing a Depends campaign she did because apparently she “doesn’t say no to anything”. Hmm, possibly how she got on this show? I think we’re onto something here. Stay tuned for more of one cool girl in a sea of twats and hopefully the much anticipated appearance of Eileen?
WHY in the history of music awards shows the top picks for hosts are LL Cool J and Pitbull is easily the greatest mystery of the world. It’s no secret that my hate for Pitbull/Mr. Worldwide/ Mr. 305 is to the moon and back so I’m going to try my best to ignore his antics and focus on the other parts of the show. (Key word here is try…I make no promises).
The opening performance of the night is our very own Ms. Taylor Swift performing Blank Space for the first time live. You all probably think I’m going to bow down to whatever she does but I’m mature enough to admit that this performance was all sorts of wrong. It was essentially a live action version of the music video and it was way too much. The sound sucked and Taylor felt the need to out-crazy the video version of herself and it was just plain scary. There were special fx flames left and right and guys being poisoned by apples and I didn’t know where to look. Her over-acted expressive crazy eyes were all over the place and it was pretty terrifying. She ended the performance with a smirk and a new man coming through a prop door with roses. Way to stick the landing but certainly not her best performance.
Remember how I said that I wasn’t going to focus on Mr. 305? I lied. Sue me. Dale. Pitbull took his hosting time to remind us all that he is in fact Cuban/Latino and essentially turned the awards into a bilingual broadcast. He declared that when he speaks Spanish the ratings go up, which is interesting because nothing made me want to turn off my TV more. After every commercial break we were promptly reminded that he speak Spanish, he also educated us all on what an Instagram filter is. It’s a good thing he was around because the Awards clearly could not have functioned without him. We were also blessed with a performance from him and this included his latest song Fireball which has singlehandedly ruined my favorite drink. Thanks for nothing, Pitbull.
Best Moments:
-One Direction won a bunch of awards and group hugged every time and we all got to hear them say “massive, massive thank you” in their cutesicle accents. Their performance took place in a grassy field and there was lots of tingly eye contact with the camera.
-Ariana Grande performed a stripped down medley like a classy cabaret singer in a black lace dress.
-Selena Gomez performs “The Heart Wants What It Wants” for the first time and gives us all the feels. She looked amazing in a long champagne colored gown with her hair down in waves, the backdrop was super moody and got a little distracting at times (chunky crying mascara eyes). Her pre-song blabbering was part of the performance unfortunately, but there was a part where some realistic wings came into play and I actually thought she might fly off the stage. Was really banking on a buildup to a sob sesh at the end but her grand finale was just some wet eyes. BOOOOOO. Don’t worry though because Taylor supplied them in full. Girl was a one woman broadway act last night. I usually cherish her audience cam moments for some awkward dancing but tonight was over the top.
-Speaking of Taylor stealing the show, she was awarded the first ever Dick Clark Award of Excellence, presented by Diana Ross who needed to be reminded that women don’t cover their face in blush anymore. We get to see a highlight reel of Tay’s general awesomeness and then she gets up to accept the award and kisses everyone in her posse (noticeably absent: Lena Dunham). Tay slobbers all over Diana Ross and how great she is and then talks directly to me when she thanks her fans for buying CD’s still. You’re welcome, T.
-The “Bang Bang” performance was pretty great and it’s a summer song that I can still get down with. Jessie J started out the song in the audience bopping around from celeb to celeb. She started with Khloe Kardashian who booty bumped her right on over to Tay’s crew, because of course. Jessie J learned quickly not to get down with Taylor Swift unless you want the spotlight ripped from your hands. Lorde tries to get in on it as well but we all shield our eyes. Then Ariana Grande takes it away onstage with a chair dance and a typical inapprops outfit & of course Nicki Minaj comes back out to play and is in her normal skanky uniform again. Joke’s over. They move back out to the audience to writhe around and it becomes clear that Nicki is above mingling with others.
Worst Moments:
-Charli XCX’s performance of “Boom Clap” which was straight out of every 90’s prom scene in the movies and quickly turned into her stripping into a latex outfit with a studded choker dancing around with some goth freaks and touching her boobs.
-Magic performs Rude, except it’s no longer summer and the song has lost it’s catchy appeal. Wyclef Jean joins them onstage and it is pretty much a stoner jam sesh. They take it to the audience and serenade a random girl who clearly doesn’t know what to do.
-Nicki Minaj performs a slower song wearing a floor length, long sleeve white gown trying to trick us all into thinking she’s an angel and not the disgusting hoe that showed us all her butthole during her Anaconda performance a mere few months ago at the VMA’s.
-Josh Duhamel introduces Fergie to perform “LA Love” and I’m reminded again how a perfect specimen like Josh married Fergalicious…and then made a kid with her. This song is offensively bad. I expected Harajuku girls to appear in the performance. It was so loud with so many colors and made my eyes hurt. At the end, Fergie strips a layer off and it gets stuck to her butt.
-JLo & Iggy’s “Booty” being the final performance of the night. Enough with the butts. So over it.
Things that made me question everything:
-Boy band Five Seconds of Summer performs a cover of What I Like About You. Is this even legal? Can a band perform a cover at an awards show like it’s karaoke night?
-During Iggy Azalea’s performance she was wearing a leotard, reenacting an 80’s exercise video and patted her vag far too many times for comfort.
-Lorde gives us a typical weirdo freak performance of her staring at the camera with dead witchy eyes and having an exorcism onstage and I was afraid. Taylor gets a lot of screen time dancing to her scary goth friend’s performance. She ends the song by smearing her black lipstick all over her face and Tay does her surprised face. I also had a surprised face at the fact that these two are friends.
-Lil Wayne has a quick performance with Christina Millian in red lingerie. Remember when she was irrelevant and the social media girl for The Voice? Christina provides some backup vocals and grinds all over Lil Wayne. Thanks for coming.
-Luke Bryan is there to present and not gyrate onstage. WHO SANCTIONED THIS? He also won an award and had lipstick on because he made out with his hot wife and stuck a dagger in my heart.
-Katy Perry wins an award and a Katy Perry robot, much like a hologram, accepts on her behalf via recording. If the robot ran out of battery and died mid-thank you I think it would’ve been less awkward than what actually happened.
-McDreamy being the first person to present an award. Was he lost? I’m confused.
-Iggy Azalea accepts an award wearing a frumpy business suit that I would expect a middle aged woman to wear with a pair of white sensible walking sneaks on the way to her cubicle for the day. She also had a huge crimped ponytail to sweeten the outfit.
-Garth Brooks with a satellite performance? Could this be more out of place?
-Every commercial break, Kohl’s had an extensive ad featuring children scream-singing Let It Go and I wished harmful things upon everyone involved in the making of this commercial and also Frozen.
-It is mind bottling that everyone is OBSESSED over scrutinizing the Harry Styles/Taylor Swift relationship or hatefest and yet there wasn’t ONE camera glance of either of their reactions to the other winning or performing. Do the producers of the AMA’s know what makes good TV? The answer is a hard no…because they chose Pitbull to host 2 years in a row.
Final thoughts- If you follow me on twitter (and you should) you know that for the past year or so I’ve been live tweeting every awards show regardless of how awesomely bad it is…exhibit A. This started about a year ago when my friend and I decided that our opinions were hilarious and important and vital to every awards show. Apparently our tradition has gotten a little out of hand because here is last night’s commentary from each of us without us being remotely anywhere near each other. We’ve morphed into one twitter awards show monster and you all should be frightened.
(click to enlarge)
Follow @LindseyReilly for all of your award show needs and all other things hilarious, cause she’s awesome. We will be tag teaming all awards season this year so please mentally prepare yourselves for those judgements to come.
I expressed my excitement for the AMA’s today and both of my sisters asked me if I was 12. The answer is a hard yes. The AMA’s are maybe one step above the VMA’s in maturity level and I don’t even curr. Let’s judge how the tweens and young adult pop singers of this year dressed for such an event. Apparently if you didn’t have at least one full leg out to play, you were a nobody. I personally preferred the nobodies.
Worst Dressed:
Zendaya wearing some satin sheets and a bandeau bikini top.
Is stripper gold costume material back in style and I missed the memo? Jordin Sparks needed to step it up and show Jason DeRulo that she’s lookin like a dime.
More sparkles, more leg. Are we seeing a trend here? Leave the crops to the young’ns Heidi.
If the leg wasn’t so forceful I would actually like this dress.
Ok Morticia Adams, we get it, you have D cups. Charli XCX going nips out for the awards.
Happy Thanksgiving, the turkey has arrived!
This looks like a homemade dress for the sorority 80’s party, only thing missing is a scrunchie.
Magic looking like they stumbled out of a thrift shop (I’d bet money that they did) smelling of incense.
Imagine Dragons with a weird bib shirt, 60’s shades vibe. Hipsters, man.
Hey JLo, I know you invented the “booty” and all but you’re 45 and this is no longer an acceptable article of clothing to be wearing in public.
Best Dressed:
One Direction with some leopard accents. YAS.
Could do without the snake necklace on Kate Beckinsale but the dress is perfection.
Simple and classy, plus an obnoxious lips clutch for sass. Megan Trainor shows us you don’t need to have a slit up to your vagina to look good.
Selena with the tight black dress and open back giving the Biebs a taste of what he’s missing.
Becky G looking cute as a button with a sassy pony and approps party dress.
This dress is pretty stupid but I’m kinda digging on the crazy updo with the headband.
Nicki making my best dressed list because she is the most covered I have ever seen her and I encourage this wholeheartedly.
I’m digging Rita Ora’s yellow ball gown a lot. There’s coverage and a nice change up of color.
Lucy Hale with another classic short cocktail dress and simple hair/makeup look. Girl knows how to play the awards show game, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
I didn’t see a lot of nice men red carpet pics, so I’m including this for gender equality purposes. Nick Jonas with a real uncomfy pose but a nice dapper suit.
Julianne Hough with a saucy summer number that I don’t hate. Get it, gurl.
Stay tuned for my full recap post-awards. I can give you a teaser right now that the awards are a straight up trainwreck and I should win something just for watching them in full. I do it all for my fans.
Hearing Cups before the trailer even started was already magic to my ears and then they went ahead and made it a Barden Bellas melody via campfire and made it 100 times better. The sad song, the slow motion, the slumber parties, it started out looking like a farewell college video and I’m certainly not in an emotional state to handle that right now. It’ll pretty much always be too soon for that. THANK GOD they picked shit up because I was running out of tissues. After some arm farting, we get a dirty beat and it looks like a trailer for Step Up 7:The Beatz from the Streetz (Trademark pending). This is what I can get down with. It could very well be a Step Up movie because it’s World Championships now and there was a lot of stripping onstage shown in a very short period of time. Side note: Legit thought the foreign blonde chick was Sofia Vergara for a second and then felt bad immediately because this woman is obviously a man. Sorry Sofia…my B. Anyway this trailer was phenomenal and now I have outrageously high hopes for this sequel to be a banger with another epic soundtrack. It’s no coincidence that it premieres on my birthday and I for one can’t wait to ring in my 24th year with my gurl Fat Amy.
2. We all got Beyonce’d again. She snuck a new song and music video for 7/11 out on Friday night because weekends don’t matter to Beyonce. No one can have other plans when she could drop another album at a moment’s notice. Thanks for keeping us on our toes, Bey.
So this music video looks like it was just a girls night in a hotel room, getting slizzard and having a dance party. That’s so basic of Bey…appealing to the masses with a music video that we all could make. She uses her foot as a phone and dances around in her underwear. The song is pretty annoying so I won’t fault you if you don’t watch the whole video. Here is the music video summed up in one screenshot:
3. Jesse McCartney releases music video for Punch Drunk Recreation
JESSE! When’s your next house party? LMK.
4. Jimmy Kimmel does his 8th installment of Celebs Reading Mean Tweets and this one is memorable because John Stamos FINALLY addresses his barf.com belly button.
5. Have you ever wanted to go on a date with a member of 1D? Good news, their new video allows you to do so. Set it full screen and kick back for your date, ladiezzz.
Not even leaving my apt and being wined and dined by some hotties is the perfect Saturday night.
Sorry I’m not sorry this week’s buzz is music video heavy…I just follow the JUice, people.
Here it is folks, the moment we’ve all been waiting for since the first preview 3 weeks ago and 1000 teasers in between …the fake but creepily realistic CMA’s. There were more than a few times that I had to literally tell myself that these are fictional country singers and that I already watched the real CMA’s. Everyone who is anyone is at the CMA’s, which of course means has-beens Scarlett and Deacon are watching from the couch. (To be fair Deacon was invited but he’s all about the music and not about the awards, or so he says, realistically he’s avoiding the Rayna show live.) And make no mistake about it, the CMA’s this year are ALL about Rayna, and we finally get to see the thread of Ruke/Layna’s sham of a relationship begin to unravel more and more…and it is glorious.
The couple doomed from the start, kicks off the CMA’s with Rayna stumbling upon Luke’s pre-nup which will be discussed ad nauseum when Rayna isn’t snatching up all the awards. Don’t worry Rayna, you won’t make it to the altar so there is no need to be concerned about the pre-nup, girl. She forgets about it for a little while when they sit front row at the CMA’s (I mean, obviously) and Rayna starts her winning streak, ya’ll. Award after award she thanks everyone but Luke and we get to see him lose his cool and hit the bottle. Jealousy’s not a good look on you, Luke. Her first thank you is to Deacon…then Liam–essentially she reads a list of all the musicians she’s banged, on live television. GIRL POWER. Luke reacts with some seriously bitchy eye rolls and refills his whiskey. Now this is an awards show where I was waiting on the edge of my seat to see the audience cam on Luke rather than Taylor Swift’s dance moves for a change. His jelly belly reactions were a show all by itself. Finally the CMA’s throw him a bone for his first win-with Rayna of course-for ball and chain. The worst song I’ve ever heard, if we’re being honest. Luke gets his time to act out and it is SO worth it. He grabs the mic, gives a sly backhanded thank you along the lines of, “Rayna should feel blessed and lucky that I chose her to duet with” and then big times her off the stage before she can thank the guy she lost her virginity to. This of course causes Rayna to follow Luke into the men’s room where they duke it out. Luke goes all mean girl and drops a truth bomb right in Ray’s grillpiece that the only reason Rayna got a gold record is because he proposed to her on the day she released it. BOOM. ROASTED. Sassy Luke is here to stay! Just kidding…he grovels immediately after the show and everything is AOK (wink, wink). Also because when Rayna wins Entertainer of the Year she is the mature, bigger person and after thanking her girls (I too, was thankful that they were absent, probably canoodling with their future stepbrothers) and shouting it out to women in country music, Rayna looks right at Luke and with a fake smile says “what’s mine is yours, I share this with you.” Take notes, ladies, because that’s how to deliver a burn. Say it with your eyes, not your words. Although the reporter asking Luke how he likes being Mr. Rayna James worked wonders as well. Here’s to hoping that the writers cut this Ruke/Layna shit soon because another few months of hearing the overuse of babe and I love you to soothe the tension in this relationship will be unbearable.
From one floundering couple to the next, we get to see the tried and true formula for Juliette and Avery’s story line of a problem leading to them almost getting back together again. At this rate they’ll be reuniting in no time. Juliette shows off her 12 months pregnant baby belly in her designer gown and we all get to relish the realism of this show. This is a real dramatic episode for Juliette as she keeps having druggie mama flashbacks and memories resurfacing of her trailer trash childhood. Avery shows us a different side when we meet his parents and soon learn that his dad is a real dick. This episode is about them trying to grasp that they might end up terrible parents because their examples sucked. We get to see Juliette as an 8 year old, red pumps wearing, hussy leaving a child at home and hittin the clubs, which was a real treat. In the end though, once Avery and Juliette share a touching baby moment, it’s a girl…Juliette peeked of course, they both decide that they’re going to be bomb ass parents and then Avery takes her home and unzips her dress and we have about one episode left until he gives in. Also I sincerely wish that they will stop making sexual innuendos between these two until after the birth because she is seriously huge, like Kim Kardashian orca status.
Although the CMA’s are the main focus of the night, the writers can’t help but stir up even more drama at the awards show by making Gunnar’s son go missing in an enclosed arena with a shit ton of security. The fresh parents get caught up in the glitz and glamour of Nashville’s biggest night and allow Micah to go to the bathroom by himself…which I think we all assumed he could handle considering he’s basically in middle school. Well the kid proved to be a moron and got lost looking for the bathroom and instead of just asking someone to lead him back to his dad’s seat..the guy was nominated for an award I think people would be able to figure out where he is…a big scene is created instead. In true Gunnar fashion, he immediately blames Zoey for losing the little runt and then promptly misses winning his first CMA while looking for him. Gunnar has completely lost his chill and basically files a missing persons report with the event policeman…he’s been gone for 10 minutes Gunnar, have you ever seen a cop show? Kid’s gotta be gone for 48 hours before you can report him missing, duhs. Finally when they find the little booger he demands to just go home. Kids literally ruin everything. Zoey realizes that as well and we get our most rewarding moment of the episode when she FINALLY breaks up with Gunnar because he treats her like the toilet paper that was probably stuck to Micah’s shoe. One dead end relationship down, one more to go.
My honorable mentions for side stories this week go out to Layla doing everything she can to shed the dumbass Jessica Simpson label. Reading a diss about herself straight from the teleprompter didn’t help her case so she rebounded with a quick fact about how she deferred Harvard. This led to someone remixing it for Youtube and easily being 100x more interesting and entertaining than her reality show or their lame duet performance. Screaming crowds of fan girls throwing their panties at Will was ironic at best during said performance– so it looks like we’re going to continue to keep him locked tightly in the closet for the foreseeable future. The writers attempted to give Sadie a storyline but it was so lame it deserved no more than 5 minutes of our time. She’s got an ex-boyfriend named Pete who wants a cut of her song about him. Yeah, yeah, go cry to Taylor Swift, Sadie, I’m sure she’s been there before. Yawn city. And unfortunately we see the return of Bachelor Teddy this week as he pursues his gutterslut call girl during the awards. Ugh.
Top Cringeworthy Moments:
-Gunnar combing his son’s hair before the awards like a mom.I half expected him to lick his finger and get a smudge off his face too.
-Bachelor Teddy making slimy comments about “pleasing his constituents” and then taking his hooker into the back room for a quickie. It was on the house…her treat.
-Whatever the people in post production did to create a very creepy life-like 8 year old Juliette with her present day face. I don’t know how it was done but it was suuuuper weird.
-Jeff Fordham approaching Zoey with a possible offer to join his women-hating record label and she lapped that shit right up.
We get another two week break from this debauchery, so please use it wisely. The next new episode will be Christmas and what looks like a realllyyyy cheesy Christmas carol duet with Ruke/Layna but if that text from Deacon was any indication, shit’s about to get real, real quick.
I’m trying to become more affluent with my TV recaps, so I’m adding a surefire fountain of material, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to my lineup. I’ve always been a one city housewives fan (I use the term fan SO loosely) so since I’ve been dedicated to Beverly Hills from the start I hope that I can do it justice for all of my fellow Bravo betches. Since witchy Carlton and hoy-say Joyce got the boot after bringing last season’s ratings down, we have two newcomers this season, both soap opera stars so things are bound to get reeealll dicey.
New additions also means new taglines and boy am I glad that there’s fresh material of these rich bitches giving nuggets of wisdom and lying about how love and family mean more to them than getting paid to show that love and family on reality television. Newcomer Lisa Rinna has the best tagline giving a coy shout out to her infamous blowfish lips. Eileen Davidson, the other new addition, who you will not even see this episode, had a tagline saying she plays a bitch on TV but isn’t one in real life. I for one am grateful for the clarification. As a former addict of Days of our Lives (it was a phase, guys) I only know Eileen as Kristin DiMerra the terror of Salem who drugged and raped the friendly priest and put it on tape to distribute. THAT is the person I expected to see in Beverly Hills and I’m glad that our gal Eileen addressed my concerns immediately.
Anyway, this episode, as the title suggests, centers on the annual White Party that Kyle throws for attention. We get to see the party from the beginning stages of Kyle walking around her backyard with the sloppiest looking event planner in all of America brainstorming how she could possibly top the last one. This gives Kyle PLENTY of opportunity to brag about the party and boy does she snatch that right up. She talks about how expensive the party is now and how EVERYONE wants to come. As the episode goes on and we catch up with everyone else’s lives, Kyle wants to make sure that we haven’t forgotten about her party so she brings it up again later. Did you know that everyone’s trying to get on the list and it’s the party of the year?! Because it was SO unexpected for Kyle.
Are you feeling suffocated by all of the humble bragging? Don’t worry let’s mosey on over to Yolanda’s house for a beach day with her and Brandi. As they descend the mountain, through the lemon grove forest, into the real world, Yolanda discovers that poor people have set up tents to sell most likely counterfeit merchandise on her land. Yolanda exclaims to a homeless Brandi (spoiler alert) that she doesn’t know what goes on on her four acres of land. Read the room, Yo, Brandi is basically couch surfing and you lay this shit on her? Yo shows that she’s one of the people though by telling the vagrants that they can continue to push product on her lawn just as long as it’s not every day. She continues to hold her own as my favorite housewife when she makes Brandi become one with the earth while walking the beach. It’s good to see that out of the train wreck that was last season, Brandi and Yolanda are still my favorites (for now) and still friends (relatively speaking).
Speaking of last season, remember when everyone turned on Lisa because she was being a catty bitch and playing everyone like CHESS–direct quote? Well no one has forgotten and God bless those producers (Andy, I’m assuming) for Lisa’s opening scenes in this episode. She is immediately painted as the villain driving around in her white Porsche to sinister music, on her way to a “secret” meeting with Kyle. The witch is back and nobody’s going to knock her down…insert evil laugh…but seriously they did everything short of having her smoking a Cruella Deville cigarette and wearing a coat made of Giggy’s fur. (NOT GIGGY!!!!) In Lisa’s aside to the camera she basically says that she was attacked, did nothing wrong and has been waiting for the girls to come crawling back to her one by one. DANCE FOR ME, PUPPETS. Of course Kyle is the first to grovel. First they must exchange truly genuine compliments “You look good.” “I do?” “You look skinny.” “I do?” Well done girls, lunch can now begin. Kyle tries to bring up why her feelings were hurt and Lisa immediately shuts it down with a firm, let’s not relive the past and forget that I was ever a dick. Kyle awkwardly agrees and they toast to loyalty, so like, things are GREAT now. Later in the episode we see a similar lunch with Lisa and Yolanda where Yolanda’s all “remember when I was on my death bed and you didn’t visit me?” And Lisa’s all “let’s not go backwards, dahling.” I’m sensing a theme here from our ice queen, anyone else?
Then we move onto our first foray into a new character, Lisa Rinna. Also how was she hired for this show…we already have a Lisa! This is going to get real messy. Lisa Rinna will now be referred to just as Rinna forever more. Ok so we get our introduction to Rinna from Kyle, apparently they bonded over a red yarn bracelet, sorry, Kabbalah and that’s how they’re besties. Kyle wants to make sure her more famous friend is attending her INFAMOUS white party. Rinna makes sure to talk this party down as much as possible by referencing that her husband is in Mad Men roughly 4 times over the course of a 2 minute phone call. (Future drinking game?) Rinna can’t wait to attend the White party as an appetizer to her much more famous A-list Mad Men party for the entrée. We then get the treat of meeting Rinna’s teenage daughters who have typical Hollywood names and talk about Coachella a lot, and finally the man, the myth, the legend, Harry Hamlin, or as Rinna refers to him, God/King. Looks like we’ve got another Yolanda and David Foster on our hands. I can’t wait to see these four interact at a dinner party and compete for who loves their husband more.
And FINALLY, the white party has arrived. I honestly thought the day would never come since Kyle began shoving it down our throats a mere 25 minutes earlier. We get to see everyone get ready, the ice queen in her lair with Ken wearing basketball shorts (a vision that I wish with all my heart I could unsee), Kyle with her entire family including little Portia who is apparently a real asshole now, and Brandi with her gays. Everyone is worrying about who they will have an awkward run-in with at the party, in true RHOBH fashion.
The party kicks off with some weird mermaids, a half naked girl in a hamster ball writhing around the pool and a very sensible white carpet leading from the street to Kyle’s house. I’m sure that looked pristine after EVERYONE who’s ANYONE tromped on it. We quickly learn that this is the ghost of Housewives past episode because all the girls are back in town now, or in laymen’s terms, they all could use a paycheck. Camille, Taylor and Adrienne are all present and even our beloved Kim shows up…late of course (cackle, cackle). The girls relive the old days of pretending they’re in high school forming cliques and grabbing at each other’s boobs. They ask Adrienne how old her new woofie boyfriend is. Here’s a clue Adrienne, if they have to ask it means he’s too young. All of their interactions were creepy at best but then Brandi interrupts the cougar and her young conquest to squash the beef from 2 years ago that they had and everyone has long forgotten about. The flashbacks were really key this episode and certainly not short of the dramatic flair. Adrienne and Brandi decided to hash it out at a later date, showing that maybe these bitches have actually matured and learned from their mistakes and everyone returns to the party to dance away their problems. There is a lot of cringe worthy 8th grade dance shimmying, I’m looking at you, Kyle…Brandi doesn’t join the dance party, cause she’s sober. And we end the bash of the CENTURY with Cruella leaving after giving Brandi the cold shoulder hard. “I’m a fucking good friend,” Lisa declares to no one in particular as her limo slips into the darkness of the night.
Here’s the deal, People. I get it that your Sexiest Man Alive award is coveted every year and the announcement is a big to do…but I call bullshit on it. That’s right, you heard me, I’m calling bullshit on the Sexiest Man Alive. The bitterness of that statement is mostly on principle alone that not once has People acknowledged the ACTUAL sexiest man alive, Ryan Gosling. Yeah that’s right…this may have been an argument years ago but it wasn’t over. AND IT STILL ISN’T OVER. They ignored the whispers when he became everyone’s dream man in The Notebook, they drowned out the white noise when he sparked the creation of the “Hey Girl” memes, and finally when he flawlessly hoisted Emma Stone into the dirty dancing lift in Crazy Stupid Love, shirtless, People put their blinders up. Yeah, he’s totally not Sexiest Man Alive material.
I was willing to let it slide because they have featured some pretty boys (I mean Ryan Reynolds is a close second to RyGos, plus he happened to marry my number one girl crush so there’s that…) but this year’s crowning has got me all in a tizzie again. I can’t be the only one who realized that they chose the less hot brother in a family of attractive brothers, right? Like I may be ranting about it but we were all thinking it…Liam is way hotter. Yeah, he might’ve had a lapse of judgement when he dated and then PROPOSED to Miley Cyrus but it’s obvious that she was wearing her Hannah Montana wig for the few years that they were together, and then once she abruptly took it off and became tongue out, bleached buzz cut, twerking Miley, he was like SHIT time to cut my losses and run. So we can all forgive him for that. My forgiveness ends there. It’s not like Chris Hemsworth is more famous than Liam…they both are leading men in huge movie franchises currently…they’re both buff with Australian accents, one just happens to be married with kids, how wholesome of People to choose that one.
There’s also already been backlash that this was the year of Chris Pratt and he was robbed of the title. Although I’m not as voracious in fighting for Chris as I am for Ryan, I can’t disagree. Chris is the all around guy-next-door media dream. He cracks jokes, he posts gym selfies, he’s married to straight up goon Anna Faris and if you watched that video of him french braiding an intern’s hair while doing an interview I think you know why he deserved it. What a guy. Does Chris Hemsworth know how to braid hair? I rest my case.
Unrelated observation: I don’t see Leonardo DiCaprio on this list….he just turned 40 and he’s still a smoke…what a slap in the face. He gets Oscar snuffs left and right and you can’t even hand him a cover for being downright sexy? Brad Pitt was crowned twice, George Clooney twice, even JOHNNY DEPP got a twofer. That’s suuuuuper embarrassing. Time to clean house, People…if you’re looking for someone to come on board and have strong opinions about today’s hot famous men, I think I know of someone who’s looking for employment…call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me. (When ya wanna page me…it’s ok.)
The MOST important events from the end of last week/this weekend.
1. Solange Knowles gets married to video director Alan Ferguson today and releases a family photo that actually made me shiver. So FIERCE.
Can you imagine being the only asshole in a Knowles family photo who didn’t get the memo that smiles are not welcome? I’m looking at you, left of Beyonce.
Speaking of assholes, let’s see what Solange wore as her “arrival” outfit:
They arrived on white bicycles and she was wearing a jumpsuit. No news of her street fighting Jay in said jumpsuit so it seems it was a happy occasion. If we’re being honest Yonce probably stole the show anyway. Don’t invite a Queen to your wedding and expect her to hide in the shadows. Guarantee she sneezed on Solange’s jumpsuit and the jumpsuit got sickah.
2. James Van Der Beek ran into Joshua Jackson on Saturday and Dawson’s Creek freaks like myself got to indulge in a present day Pacey/Dawson insta. Just a couple of bros from the Creek, rising above their mutual love for Joey.
3. Robert Pattinson did THIS to his hair:
And I puked all over the place. That was a real mess to clean up. Oh how the Cullen has fallen. Seriously clean it up, Rob. He’s also reported to be dating an individual named FKA Twigs. If anyone has any suggestions on even how to pronounce that fake life name please step forward in this very difficult time.
4. S Club 7 reunited for a charity show and gave us all an excuse to piss our pants. Here is their performance:
Immediate thoughts upon watching it: The men of S Club all hit the carbs real hard in the past few years and were looking a little chubs.(Minus Jon, who looks the same) Jo has Kate Gosselin hair, which is fitting because she looked like a mom chaperoning the group. Rachel is still the absolute banger of the club. Hasn’t aged a day, all bets on everyone hating her just because she’s still got it. Although Tina in those sparkle hot pants was a surprising curveball. They collectively pulled the classic, “if we dress like the era we were famous in, no one will remember that we’re middle aged”…but we all remembered. After performing their first banger (S Club Party) they transitioned into another tune (Reach For the Stars) where Jo had to solo and clearly couldn’t hold her own. Whenever a singer is belting for 1 second and has to ask the audience to sing it, it means they need assistance, STAT. Bradley and his ombre hair stepped in to take over. He handled it much better. The coordinated dance spins to Bring It All Back To You were so on point. We were then treated to an electronic dance break that was a liiiittleee on the stiff side. Don’t worry though because they all stuck a pose at the end boy band style and it was the best finale I could’ve asked for. Props to them for making a comeback for charity, and I think I can speak for us all when I say that if ABC Family (Formerly Fox Family) doesn’t start playing re runs of S Club 7 soon I’m going to write a strongly worded letter.
The gang in their heyday.
5. This is last on the list because it’s bullshit news, but Hallmark & Lifetime holiday cheeseball movie season is upon us and I understand that everyone will NEED full recaps of the hundreds that I will consume before Christmas. I’m here to tell you that I will be delivering. If your guilty pleasure is Santa’s elves playing matchmaker and a couple falling in love amidst the smell of gingerbread houses and sharing a first kiss under the mistletoe, I will be posting which ones are the best (by best we all understand that I mean cringeworthy but watchable) so stay tuned for that merry addition to this blog.
Welcome back, Nashies. Remember how they promoted the fake CMA’s tirelessly? Yeah we get another week of that apparently…they’re really milking this. Thanks for the tease, ABC. This episode starts out with a 2 months later time stamp. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that they did this JUST so they could show an actually IRL (in real life) pregnant Juliette Barnes/Hayden Panettiere and stop assuming their viewers are a bunch of dum dums who think she’s just gained some face weight. On the subject of Juliette, her and Avery have transitioned from hating each other to a bickering dysfunctional couple preparing for a baby. It seems each week we’re going to start with Avery delivering zingers to Juliette and slowly warming up to her by the end of the episode. (Until they’re inevitably back together, just in time for baby’s arrival). This week’s installment started with Juliette reminding Avery that they had sex to make this baby and him replying, “Well all we’re having now is a baby” in front of the super uncomfy doctor. Burn baby burn. But then slowly but surely Avery bought the top of the line crib (this baby will be a superstar after all) and agreed to lamaze classes at the end and–cue cliche baby moment– feels the baby kick. Also the Nashville twitter account took it upon themselves to refer to Nashville’s future Blue Ivy as “Javery’s” baby and I vomited all over the place. WHEN WILL IT END?!
Speaking of puke, in two months time, Gunnar, Zoey and Micah became a little domestic happy family of uncommon names, right down to father and son playing catch in the yard and stepmommy Zoey yelling out that dinner’s ready. We obviously soon learn that Zoey hates being a housewife and is still thirsty for fame, while boyfriend of the year Gunnar doesn’t think she’s mad about it because “she hasn’t complained”. It’s all in the eyes, Gunnar, all in the eyes. Micah’s actual mom wins mom of the year by immediately shoving her son off on Gunnar and Zoey in pursuit of a boyfriend. Let this be a lesson, don’t let your kids get in your way of your dreams. Quick observation: every time Gunnar hugs ANYONE, I expect to see Zoey peering out from around the corner with crazy eyes. These two (now three) have a bright future.
Another bright future coming our way is the new and improved Layla Grant. Apparently in her two month break she put down the mini bottles and decided to channel her anger into some new tunes. The debut of her quiet Bambi-like personality raised a few red flags with me that it was just a scheme but it seemed to hold up and she got out of her own way to write a decent song that everyone, including her closeted husband, was a little too surprised at. Yikes, Layla, even your friends thought you sucked. We got to see a peaceful Will and Layla for about half of the episode until they attend the premiere of their reality show “Love and Country”. Apparently dumb and dumber are the only two young people in America who don’t know how reality shows work. Reality shows are for showing excessive and unnecessary drama for ratings and this one really delivered. If it were a real show I’d totes watch it. Apparently we’re far removed enough from the Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica days to be completely copying it because they made Layla into Jessica Simpson 2.0. For the record, there was a laugh track to her trying to use a can opener (for chicken or tuna?) and I object. I know firsthand how hard can openers are to use, having broken every one I’ve ever touched and almost needing a tetanus shot last year after resorting to a butcher knife. I stand by Layla on this one. SHIT’S IMPOSSIBLE.
You know what else is impossible? Juggling the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and family bonding time. (Feel free to start giving me awards for these smooth transitions). Rayna pouts this episode that decisions are the woooorst as she chooses fame over QT. Dramatic sigh. A nosy reporter follows her around all weekend as she makes wedding plans with Luke and he finally shows some emotion–he’s horny, guys. There are about 4 instances when Luke brings it to our attention that they’ve been apart for a LOOOONGG time. Even an ode to long distance sex when he says Skype just isn’t the same. Finally Rayna gives him the sassy one-finger gesture (…the one moms give to their annoying kids to tell them to wait quietly) and Luke loses his SHIT. Uh, uh honey. He exclaims in the parking lot “WE HAVEN’T EVEN HELD HANDS!!” We get it Luke, you need to bone…stat. They probably would’ve gotten down to biz but they were sidetracked by finding their kids macking it in the dark on the couch, with reporter in tow. EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT, A-LIST INCEST. Calm down guys, Colt defends it, “we were just making out, it’s NBD.” We can clearly see why he’s so irresistible. Maddie’s obv going through a bad boy phase. Rayna sits Maddie down for an incest chat and then has to pimp out her history with Deacon to the Rolling Stone reporter just so that her twat of a daughter isn’t tabloid shamed. All is well with Ruke/Layna at the end as they slow dance and say wedding vows (this is the only time this will ever happen on the show so cherish it.)
Alright let’s wrap it up with the minor story lines of the week. The throwaways, if you will. Deacon had a cold, continued to talk about Rayna and finally kicked ole Pammy to the curb (hopefully for good). Scarlett and homeless friend with the voice of an angel, Terry, wrote music and decided to face their fears together by hitting the stage for a duet at the Bluebird obv. Also we learn that Terry’s whole family is dead, because of course. Bachelor Teddy and his frat bro buddy Jeff Fordham took a week off, probably in Vegas doing coke and banging strippers.
Things to look forward to:
-Deacon probably almost hitting the sauce again and some angry confrontations once that unauthorized tell-all hits the tabs.
-Better songs…this week we had four and they were pretty lackluster. Rayna’s straight up sucked, but she tried to distract by showing everything but nip in a sparkly dress on DWTS. Juliette’s has potential but it’s not fiery like I know she can be, Layla’s was bleh and Scarlett’s duet with Terry I could take or leave. NEED some fresh Scarlett & Gunnar tunes STAT.
-More of Nashville’s “dramatic statement+guitar riff leads to commercial break” formula. Turn it into a drinking game every time this happens, I dare you. I would’ve been hammy sammied if I drank every time it happened in last night’s epi.
-Sage. Now that we’ve seen Luke’s mystery child and I’m guessing Rayna has for the first time too –we need more. What’s Sage’s deal? Does she also make sick beats like her bad boy bro Colt?
-The implosion of Ruke/Layna at the CMA’s next week. *Insert guitar riff*
The Salty Ju 