Here it is folks, the moment we’ve all been waiting for since the first preview 3 weeks ago and 1000 teasers in between …the fake but creepily realistic CMA’s. There were more than a few times that I had to literally tell myself that these are fictional country singers and that I already watched the real CMA’s. Everyone who is anyone is at the CMA’s, which of course means has-beens Scarlett and Deacon are watching from the couch. (To be fair Deacon was invited but he’s all about the music and not about the awards, or so he says, realistically he’s avoiding the Rayna show live.) And make no mistake about it, the CMA’s this year are ALL about Rayna, and we finally get to see the thread of Ruke/Layna’s sham of a relationship begin to unravel more and more…and it is glorious.
The couple doomed from the start, kicks off the CMA’s with Rayna stumbling upon Luke’s pre-nup which will be discussed ad nauseum when Rayna isn’t snatching up all the awards. Don’t worry Rayna, you won’t make it to the altar so there is no need to be concerned about the pre-nup, girl. She forgets about it for a little while when they sit front row at the CMA’s (I mean, obviously) and Rayna starts her winning streak, ya’ll. Award after award she thanks everyone but Luke and we get to see him lose his cool and hit the bottle. Jealousy’s not a good look on you, Luke. Her first thank you is to Deacon…then Liam–essentially she reads a list of all the musicians she’s banged, on live television. GIRL POWER. Luke reacts with some seriously bitchy eye rolls and refills his whiskey. Now this is an awards show where I was waiting on the edge of my seat to see the audience cam on Luke rather than Taylor Swift’s dance moves for a change. His jelly belly reactions were a show all by itself. Finally the CMA’s throw him a bone for his first win-with Rayna of course-for ball and chain. The worst song I’ve ever heard, if we’re being honest. Luke gets his time to act out and it is SO worth it. He grabs the mic, gives a sly backhanded thank you along the lines of, “Rayna should feel blessed and lucky that I chose her to duet with” and then big times her off the stage before she can thank the guy she lost her virginity to. This of course causes Rayna to follow Luke into the men’s room where they duke it out. Luke goes all mean girl and drops a truth bomb right in Ray’s grillpiece that the only reason Rayna got a gold record is because he proposed to her on the day she released it. BOOM. ROASTED. Sassy Luke is here to stay! Just kidding…he grovels immediately after the show and everything is AOK (wink, wink). Also because when Rayna wins Entertainer of the Year she is the mature, bigger person and after thanking her girls (I too, was thankful that they were absent, probably canoodling with their future stepbrothers) and shouting it out to women in country music, Rayna looks right at Luke and with a fake smile says “what’s mine is yours, I share this with you.” Take notes, ladies, because that’s how to deliver a burn. Say it with your eyes, not your words. Although the reporter asking Luke how he likes being Mr. Rayna James worked wonders as well. Here’s to hoping that the writers cut this Ruke/Layna shit soon because another few months of hearing the overuse of babe and I love you to soothe the tension in this relationship will be unbearable.
From one floundering couple to the next, we get to see the tried and true formula for Juliette and Avery’s story line of a problem leading to them almost getting back together again. At this rate they’ll be reuniting in no time. Juliette shows off her 12 months pregnant baby belly in her designer gown and we all get to relish the realism of this show. This is a real dramatic episode for Juliette as she keeps having druggie mama flashbacks and memories resurfacing of her trailer trash childhood. Avery shows us a different side when we meet his parents and soon learn that his dad is a real dick. This episode is about them trying to grasp that they might end up terrible parents because their examples sucked. We get to see Juliette as an 8 year old, red pumps wearing, hussy leaving a child at home and hittin the clubs, which was a real treat. In the end though, once Avery and Juliette share a touching baby moment, it’s a girl…Juliette peeked of course, they both decide that they’re going to be bomb ass parents and then Avery takes her home and unzips her dress and we have about one episode left until he gives in. Also I sincerely wish that they will stop making sexual innuendos between these two until after the birth because she is seriously huge, like Kim Kardashian orca status.
Although the CMA’s are the main focus of the night, the writers can’t help but stir up even more drama at the awards show by making Gunnar’s son go missing in an enclosed arena with a shit ton of security. The fresh parents get caught up in the glitz and glamour of Nashville’s biggest night and allow Micah to go to the bathroom by himself…which I think we all assumed he could handle considering he’s basically in middle school. Well the kid proved to be a moron and got lost looking for the bathroom and instead of just asking someone to lead him back to his dad’s seat..the guy was nominated for an award I think people would be able to figure out where he is…a big scene is created instead. In true Gunnar fashion, he immediately blames Zoey for losing the little runt and then promptly misses winning his first CMA while looking for him. Gunnar has completely lost his chill and basically files a missing persons report with the event policeman…he’s been gone for 10 minutes Gunnar, have you ever seen a cop show? Kid’s gotta be gone for 48 hours before you can report him missing, duhs. Finally when they find the little booger he demands to just go home. Kids literally ruin everything. Zoey realizes that as well and we get our most rewarding moment of the episode when she FINALLY breaks up with Gunnar because he treats her like the toilet paper that was probably stuck to Micah’s shoe. One dead end relationship down, one more to go.
My honorable mentions for side stories this week go out to Layla doing everything she can to shed the dumbass Jessica Simpson label. Reading a diss about herself straight from the teleprompter didn’t help her case so she rebounded with a quick fact about how she deferred Harvard. This led to someone remixing it for Youtube and easily being 100x more interesting and entertaining than her reality show or their lame duet performance. Screaming crowds of fan girls throwing their panties at Will was ironic at best during said performance– so it looks like we’re going to continue to keep him locked tightly in the closet for the foreseeable future. The writers attempted to give Sadie a storyline but it was so lame it deserved no more than 5 minutes of our time. She’s got an ex-boyfriend named Pete who wants a cut of her song about him. Yeah, yeah, go cry to Taylor Swift, Sadie, I’m sure she’s been there before. Yawn city. And unfortunately we see the return of Bachelor Teddy this week as he pursues his gutterslut call girl during the awards. Ugh.
Top Cringeworthy Moments:
-Gunnar combing his son’s hair before the awards like a mom.I half expected him to lick his finger and get a smudge off his face too.
-Bachelor Teddy making slimy comments about “pleasing his constituents” and then taking his hooker into the back room for a quickie. It was on the house…her treat.
-Whatever the people in post production did to create a very creepy life-like 8 year old Juliette with her present day face. I don’t know how it was done but it was suuuuper weird.
-Jeff Fordham approaching Zoey with a possible offer to join his women-hating record label and she lapped that shit right up.