Top Headlines of the Day(AKA What I’ve Decided Is Important):
1. Leonardo DiCaprio turned 40 today.
FORTY?! SERIOUSLY?
Regardless since Leo will always be timeless let’s raise a glass to that pretty face. HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLD SPORT!
2. Everyone’s favorite hot mess, Jennifer Lawrence is back on the press circuit for The Hunger Games and thus will be dominating the news with her goofy one liners and silly stories. Her news today is that she will never join Twitter and is not into social media.
This is probably in her best interest. Sucks for everyone else though.
3. Mindy Kaling looked FAB at the Glamour Women of the Year Awards last night. This isn’t that big of a headline, but I just made it one, cause she deserves it. BOOYAH. Also if you’re not watching The Mindy Project you should immediately start if you like to laugh and generally enjoy life.
Salvador Perez Original
4. Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy land a reality show on A&E called “Donnie Loves Jenny” set to air in 2015. A&E is also home to Wahlburgers, the show about the whole Wahlberg family and their restaurant biz. (I’ve been trying to weasle my way out to Wahlburgers for some eats and a casj snake into their reality show since I moved to Boston. NBD but HBD.) Anyway, this will probably be a trainwreck. Don’t get me wrong, I could listen to those Dooorchesstahh accents insult each other and say they love their motha all day but I’m only thinking of reality show couple history. RIP Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica. Ok that just brought a tear to my eye to type that. It appears it’s still too soon to dive down that avenue. In summary, yes I will watch, no I will not love it.
5. Kevin Reilly is a name you guys probably don’t recognize. I do because he sucks. He was the former CEO of the Fox network who was just let go recently. One of his last things he did for Fox was cancel my beloved Enlisted. See below. The Kevster was JUST hired at TNT/TBS and the first thing he did there was cancel Franklin & Bash….the ONE show that I watch on either of those networks. Basically, Kevin Reilly hates hot shirtless men and does not want them on TV. And you can quote me on that.
FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS-ENLISTED
Until next time, Mark Paul.
That’s it for Tuesday’s JUice. (See what I did there 😉 )
Immediate Reactions to the Blank Space Music Video:
First and foremost, I understand that surprise releases are all the rage now in music ever since Beyonce blew everyone’s minds and snuck a full CD with music videos but I’m super over it. It gives me anxiety when buzzworthy things happen midday and I cannot participate because my cubicle computer is open to all surrounding roaming eyes. My FOMO nightmare came true today and I dealt with it by specifically going home for lunch to watch. Obv this was a really mature and adult decision. It was in the privacy of my own home that I was able to watch the video twice, uninterrupted with no judgsies.
Next let’s address the elephant in the room. Remember how I made a wisecrack about Taylor releasing her CD before Selena’s big dramatic music video, thus upstaging her? Well it seems I can predict the future. Props to Tay for giving Selena the spotlight for a WHOLE weekend before slyly but not at all slyly snaking it back.
I was really anticipating this video (all morning long when that’s all I could think about.) Mostly because this is the number one JAM from 1989. (If you read my review you would already know this. Duhs.) So much sassiness and so much potential for a music video. Taylor straight up delivered on the psycho factor. Couldn’t be weirder. It’s everything I could have ever wanted for this song and more. Here’s the full video for your viewing and reviewing pleasure.
As a film major in college (LOLZ) and a fellow music video director (double LOLZ) I can tell you that in my professional opinion this is top quality stuff. Shot like a film in a mansion fit for a Kennedy (wink) it looked great and so did Tay with her 500 outfit changes. You’re obviously wondering, what looks were her best? Lucky for you I screenshot every outfit of the video just for this very moment. I know, I know, I’m so kind. Let’s do it to it.
BOMB outfits:
STRONG start with Lingerie Tay holding Olivia Benson (for a touch of innocence). Cleavage+Cat=PG13. That is, until Olivia is replaced by a knife for cray cray Tay.
Full lace gown descending a grand staircase. Badass princess moment.
Ballroom dancing in the sparkliest of gowns. Just a regular Friday night for T. This is just what she wears from the gym.
Is this the Oscars or a music video? But seriously.
50’s Tay getting after some champagne and candy.
Taylor brings Jersey Shore to the mansion with dubs leps. Couldn’t love it more.
White Crop combo for her ode to Tiger Woods. Legs.
She borrowed this witchy black number from Lorde.
Cat eye on point.
Little white dress for burning and throwing your boyfriends clothes. Everyone should have one.
Final look. Perfection.
Ehh Outfits:
Not crazy about the dress and hair combo in “stab my boyfriend’s rich person portrait” Taylor
Don’t get me wrong, she’s absolutely pulling.this.off. but it’s a little too much.
This is too normal of a dress for cutting boob holes in your boyf’s shirt. Blah.
Too much old lady. Not enough leopard.
This looks like it would give her a mean wedgie. Also I think Allie wore this in The Notebook.
Weird Moments:
Riding bikes around the living room. You know, cause why exercise in the private gym that is 100% in that mansion when you can ride your Huffy through the parlor.
Walking your two guard dogs with your boyfriend who is also wearing a cape. Real talk: This is my dream. Dogs and men (in capes…just kitten) Also for fear of putting up redundant pictures, this dress makes the best outfit list. Duh.
Standing on a horse. (This is less weird and more so just IMPRESSIVE) Do you think I could get away with trying that next year in downtown Saratoga? One of the cops will totes lend me his horse for Taylor reenactment via Caroline St. right? (This is an EH outfit)
Crying and writhing in the hallway next to a deer. Don’t bring Bambi into your troubles, Crazy Tay. She’s just an innocent forest creature.
This is Twilight. Amirite Twihards?
Halloween is over. Stop trying to give me nightmares.
GET IT, TAY.
Drumroll PLEASE. And the best moment of this video goes to the delivery of the best line of the song. Anyone whose listened to this song and doesn’t giggle every time she says “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” with a haughty laugh is not really enjoying life. Boom.
The ferocious grab of the head and sneering of that lyric in “Sean’s” grill piece was exactly what we all needed. Supes aggress and I didn’t hate it one bit. I’m actually surprised she didn’t follow it up with spitting in his mouth. SUCK IT, SEAN. DON’T MESS. (this outfit was also a BEST but since she was hurling her body around throwing shit at him I couldn’t get a good snap of it. Necklace game so strong.)
Honorable Mention:
This Guy ❤ Yum. Well done, gurl.
Hope you enjoyed reliving all things Blank Space. If you didn’t, pls see below.
I’m gonna be real straightforward here and come clean. I followed Justin Bieber on Instagram roughly 4 months ago and I hate myself for it. I got caught up in the world’s fascination with Selena and Justin’s tumultuous on and off again relationship and he posted a few scandalous ‘grams and before I knew it I had hit the follow button and never turned back. I figured out of the two of them he would be more likely to make an ass of himself on social media and slip up/create drama that I could then make myself a part of (This goes back to my innate addiction to being the first person to report celeb news…which I refuse to seek treatment for) Anyway, the point of this long and embarrassing confession is that if I didn’t follow Biebs on Insta and see up close what a ridiculous clown he is, I wouldn’t have material for this blog. Selena dropped a music video and single yesterday that is essentially a diary entry about her unhealthy relationship with that punk. In case you haven’t heard/seen it yet here it is:
Girl just out-drama’ed Taylor Swift. The TEARS. The ACTING. Selena pulled out all the stops, just shy of having Biebs in the video instead of a Biebs-esque actor (with questionable facial hair) that she casj mounted for a car hookup. Perhaps she wanted to spark a little jealousy? I’m onto you Selena.
Ok be serious, guys. Let’s get to the real meat of this music video. The beginning voiceover of her stuttering and crying. If this gave you the uncomfies and you skipped over it, don’t you even worry because I’m here to give you the gist of her creepy E True Hollywood story intro to the music video. Basically the Biebs banged a bunch of randoms and made Selena feel like a garbage can. Were those her exact ugly crying words? No. HOWEVER I’m really good at reading between the lines. Trust me. After about 40 seconds of this babble it starts to sound like a drunk voicemail that she left for him. Don’t drink and dial, Sel. Drinking and tweeting is totes fine though. The actual song finally starts 48 seconds in and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I already feel emotionally drained before she even starts singing. The message of the song is that this relationship is Sucktown, USA but she’s in love, so everyone can STFU and stop judging her. The song itself isn’t bad. I kinda dig it…sue me. Like is this MJ Blige or Selena Gomez with those R&B vibez?! Jus sayin. But before you get caught up in the snaps or start to let her tears persuade you to get all emosh. Let’s refresh ourselves on who this song is about:
WHAT a CATCH.
Of course since yesterday’s release she’s already been accosted by people wanting even more juicy deets. Apparently, according to my sources, (the internet…it never lies) Justin saw the video a year ago and said it was beautiful (puke.) and Taylor Swift also got a preview, because duh, and she watched it three times in a row most likely with her surprised face and loved it. Selena probably casually told her, “Yeah I’m thinking about releasing this in November.” Taylor then immediately texted her manager, moving up the release date of 1989 to 2 weeks before Selena’s video. Shake it off, Selena, shake it off.
PS: If these two really are a “modern fairytale” as Selena chokes out in between tears, we are all SCREWED.
Awards season dry spell is over, betches. If you’re a country fan and you fully committed to the 3 hour show (I’m going to assume not many of you) you can relive the highs and lows of last night right meow. If you missed the awards, you can skim through this and have something to discuss over your cubicle wall today. (Or if you’re me, cubicle window. Yeah guys, I get a cube window. BE JELLY.)
The opening performances went from blah to better. Kenny Chesney was first with a performance straight out of 1968. I’m shocked a hologram of Jimi Hendrix didn’t appear next to him to further the gimmick. It would’ve been nice if I had gotten the memo to drop acid before he took the stage, kinda rude don’t you think, ABC? I couldn’t even tell you what song Kenny played because I was just too distracted. The country hats and cowboy boots amidst the tie dye and school bus were a liiiiiitttle out of place. No worries though, quick rebound by transferring to Miranda Lambert and Megan Trainor doing a country version of All About That Bass. Great duet but the main takeaway here was that Miranda came in HOT trying to give Carrie a run for her money in the leg game. She challenged Carrie to defend the title. AND OF COURSE Carrie did. The great Leg-off of 2014 (see below). Okay I promise you that even though I sat through every single minute of this mostly snoozefest of a show, I will not give you a minute by minute recap. Here’s the breakdown–
Best Moments:
-Carrie’s outfit changes. Edge of my seat waiting to see what was next.
-The elephant in the room. Carrie & Brad address T. Swift in their opening monologue stating that Nashville is suffering from “Postpartum Taylor Swift Disorder”. Laughs are had at the expense of Nashville being thirsty Swifties. Our girl T may not have been country for a few years but it warmed my icy heart to see that no matter what country music has her back.
-Steven Tyler is the first presenter & has a jam sesh with Carrie and Brad to “Crying”. It was staged but still pretty great. Also Steven was wearing shoes and I think we can all appreciate that. (If you want nightmares google image search Steven Tyler’s feet)
-Brett Eldredge wins New Artist of the Year and I listened to his acceptance speech with my eyes glued to the TV and a creepy grin on my face. He 100% deserves it and I’m proud of my future husband for snagging that award.
-Brad spends a few minutes of his hosting duty eating cheeseballs out of a baby carrier. Brought me back to the days of housing a full tub of cheezeballz guilt free. Ahh, college.
-Keith Urban performs “Somewhere in My Car”. He’s the stuff and so is that song.
-Little Big Town performs Day Drinking and then Ariana “Bang Bang” Grande sashays onto the stage and they all sing her song with light up dresses. Judging this against the other performances it was great, because I stayed awake for it, but I would’ve preferred them trying to mix country and pop rather than sing a country song and then a pop song. It was odd.
-Miranda debuts a sassy new bob that kills it and her and Blake proceed to snatch up all the awards with an effortless “it’s almost as if we don’t do this every year” vibe.
-The Doobie Brothers take the stage with Hillary Scott, Jennifer Nettles & Hunter Hayes and play some good ole classic rock. Jennifer Nettles spends the entire performance with her mouth open and literally can’t find her chill. Hunter Hayes was on guitar and was just grateful to be able to play with the big kids.
-Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year and we get to look at his pretty face more. Note: no hip movement whatsoever (see worst moments list)
Worst Moments:
-Is there anything worse than networks throwing two random people together to present an award and then writing compliments for them to read from the teleprompter to each other? It’s awkward and gives everyone the uncomfies. Stop doing it.
-Taylor gets a best and worst spot because she was actually nominated for female vocalist of the year and SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE. Girl, they just declared their support for you and you big-timed them? If we’re being honest I’m probably more bitter about her not showing up because her awkward crowd dancing & dramatic reactions were SORELY missed. NO ONE owns an awards show crowd like Tay.
-Florida Georgia Line wins Vocal Duo of the Year and mullet sneaks that G-D DISGUSTING VEST back in. Hey bro, it is NEVER sexy to wear a vest with no shirt underneath. If you also browsed my fashion recap you’ll see that I put FGL on the best dressed list JUST because they both put actual shirts on. Well GUESS WHAT, you two clowns are officially revoked from my best dressed list. Boom. Roasted.
-Kacey Musgraves and her goofy outfits/hair and her honky tonk barn music.
-Little Big Town winning Vocal Group of the Year and all shouting random things at once as an acceptance speech. Mic etiquette, guys, ever heard of it? Designate ONE speaker.
-Luke Bryan performs a slow song and DOES NOT shake it for me. This should be illegal. Every girl in America was disappointed Luke, just so you know.
Just For Ratings:
-Ebola.
-Renee Zellweger
-Carrie Underwood whispering the gender of her baby to Brad Paisley, setting him up to “let it slip”, and then mentioning it every five minutes. THE PAGEANTRY. THE RATINGS. It’s a BOOYYYY.
-The amount of almost vag slips. Ariana Grande wearing her typical bra and mini skirt, Kacey Musgraves cutting it too close for comfort and Ashley Monroe performing with Blake in a sequin tee, no pants. We don’t need to see it to know it’s there, girlz.
-ABC doing their best to confuse you about which CMA’s are real. The ones you’re literally watching, or the ones they’re teasing every commercial break in the Nashville promo for next week. DOES THIS MEAN RUKE/LAYNA AREN’T REALLY NOMINATED? Please advise.
If you noticed that I didn’t include many performances in my recap it’s because most of them were suuuuuper snoozeworthy. Let’s step it up next time, gang, look alive…give me a reason to stay up past my bedtime. Aaaand that’s all–go forth and spread the country music word, my friends.
Here’s the CMA’s post where we judge people based on what they chose to wear. If you want to judge people based on what they chose to sing, please see my second installment-the recap. Here’s the deal. I got a fevah and the only prescription is more awards shows. Once I get a taste I need it to be awards season STAT. Since this is the first of 100 country music awards shows this year (all of them having strikingly similar names), country singers will have plenty of chances for redemption if they made my worst dressed list. They’ll obviously be reading this and taking my opinions into account when picking their next show outfit.
Here are the Worst Dressed:
Hillary from Lady A. What’s the deal with the V neck suspender sitch? No other words to describe that.
Gretchen Wilson staying true to her 2004 (TWO THOUSAND FOUR, DAMN) song “Redneck Woman”.
All that’s missing is a red solo cup of Fleischmann’s. Keep it classy, gurl.
Real Talk: has Hunter EVER not looked like a 15 year old sneaking into prom?
Kacey Musgraves with Elvira hair. Nuff said. Also on the right: flashback to her craft fair boots & dress combo from Grammy’s.
People don’t forget.
Sam Hunt is the newcomer hottie to the country scene. I wish he wouldn’t have ruined that with this mariachi/pirate shirt.
Scarlett from Nashville aka Clare Bowen probably let her new homeless friend with the voice of an angel dress her.
Zoey from Nashville aka Chaley Rose trying to steal the spotlight as always. Less is more.
Ugh.
The gr8 news is there are more best dressed than worst dressed, so I’m actually T-ing down the judgements. Here’s all the singers who got it right.
Best dressed:
This is a worst/best combo if we’re being honest. Brantley is probably wearing a jewel encrusted affliction tee under that blazer. Brett OBVIOUSLY steals the show wearing a classy suit and accessorizing with his pure sexiness. It’s no caveman toga, but whatevs.
Carrie never disappoints. This one actually isn’t my favorite but she’ll have probably 100 outfit changes as host and I assume most of them will be top notch. Also, legs.
Cassadee Pope looking elegant and classy
RAYNA JAMES. TAMI TAYLOR. CONNIE BRITTON.
I mean seriously. With her hair she could wear a trash bag and win all the awards. Bow down, bitches.
They only made the best dressed because long hair (still don’t know his name) isn’t wearing a leather vest with no shirt underneath. He’s done that far too many times and I’ve had to choke back vomit.
Jana Kramer always looks gorgeous. Now if only she would stop ending every social media post with #love to shamelessly promote her latest single. That’s all I want for Christmas.
Josh Turner proving you don’t need a cowboy hat or sparkly vest/belt at the CMA’s. Yum.
Kimberly from The Band Perry. Simple and not being overshadowed by her brothers’ afros.
What I imagine Taylor Swift would’ve worn if she was still country (sigh)
You know, cause she’s got that red lip classic thing that Harry likes. JK-Lucy looks fab though.
Hey Nicole Kidman. THIS is how you wear lace. Maddie & Tae lookin’ like a couple of dimes.
Miranda going classic. If we’re being honest I preferred her performance dress, but the red carpet hair/makeup looks fresh.
Queen and King of country.
SWOOOONNN. Okay now please put on your black v neck and backwards hat and shake it.
That’s it for the red carpet roundup. Which one was your favorite look? Are you too busy drooling over those Southern men? Are you a guy and puking from that last statement? STAY TUNED FOR FULL SHOW RECAP. CAUSE WHY NOT?!
Love or hate Halloween, don’t tell me you’re not on the edge of your seat every year waiting to see what celeb thinks they can get away with blackface. Just me? Whatevs, here’s a random collection of celeb Halloween costumes from this year worst to best:
PS: Celebs having a full team for hair, makeup & wardrobe and mailing it in for Halloween is TOTES BS by the way.
In case you were ever wondering what Halloween is to Nicki, it’s literally just like every other day. Please T it down.
She’s 17.
Katy Perry as a cheeto. Crunchy nonetheless. I gotta go get my Chex Mix costume ready for next year. Bai.
Kim is really tame now, guys, cause I don’t know if you’ve heard, but SHE’S A MOM.
Payment for snagging a Vogue cover this year orrrr just kissing major ass?
Ellen vs. Meredith. Battle of Daytime TV Hosts. THE DRAMA IS SO REAL.
A Cinderella Story flashbacks. Do you think anyone could recognize her? (IT’S HILARY DUFF, GUYS)
1. Shocked she’s not naked. 2. RiRi COMMITTED with the green paint.
Goldie Hawn & Kate Hudson dressed like hoes at the bar. #motherdaughterbonding
Gisele & Tom Brady. Actual question, how can they see?
That caption though.
WHERE IS THE REST OF N*SYNC?!
Yes MJ Blue Ivy, yes. The first time I’ve ever disregarded Beyonce in a picture.
We all know how I feel about kids but North West and Penelope Disick as skunks is adorbsies.
Neil Patrick Harris & fam never disappoint.
Ed Sheeran. This is spot on.
Iggy Azalea as herself.
The Today Show as SNL characters was great, especially since no one had to see Matt Lauer’s junk in women’s clothes.
If you didn’t laugh at this picture I don’t think we can be friends.
We get it Heidi Klum, you win Halloween every year. Do less.
Now wasn’t that better than going through your Facebook feed and mourning the loss of college Halloweekend slop city and/or looking at 1 million baby’s first halloween pictures?
The Salty Ju 