Tag Archives: Rachel Lindsay

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Crusty Lashes

Breaking news: Juan Pablo is married. Are we supposed to care about that? It was literally straight crickets when Chris Harrison felt it was necessary to pop off the finale with that announcement. Wasn’t he like the most hated bachelor ever? Not to mention there are no pictures, no exclusive interview, nothing. From one fellow scoopee to another, if you’re going to share news that no one gives a shit about, at least jazz it up with a pic. Hot start to wasting our time.

In a SUPRISING AND DRAMATIC twist, Rachel has to watch the finale live with Chris Harrison and a studio audience then face the rejects. Clearly grasping at straws for anything they can do at this point to spice up the final three excruciating hours of this season. Unfortunately rather than this being spicy, it basically just means that we watch Rachel tell us about her feelings and reflect on each experience on the show, then the camera cuts to Rachel telling us about her feelings and reflecting on each experience. BUT IT’S LIVE! Spoiler alert: Rachel still thinks each moment was “tough”. At least she looks like a babe soda.

Back in Rioja, Spain…

Rachel and Peter decide that since they’re both falling in love they should just pretend the engagement disagreement never happened. Peter gets the key to her vagina for the night. Good choice, Rachel. I approve.

Rachel and Bryan take horses through the vineyard and stare at each other a lot. Later he tells her how much he loves her and is in love with her forever and ever. He gets the booty card. The next morning he says, “We’re back on track, the chemistry is hotter than ever.” We get it, you boned.

The LAST Rose Ceremony

Rachel makes a speech about how she didn’t come here for a boyfriend, she wants that proposal. ***Laser focused on Peter**** It’s all for nothing though because she says goodbye to Eric. GURL. Why even make that speech? She tells Eric that she loves him but she’s not in love. It’s weird how I almost called Bryan and Peter as bottom two in like…the second week. OH WAIT I DID.

Over in fluffland at the Hollywood studio, Eric comes onstage and he’s like super graceful and thankful for the experience and not bitter at all. SOMEONE is looking for that Bachelor spot. The rest of the conversation between him and Rachel is completely forgettable, at best. What’s not forgettable is his new facial hair that is doing things for America. We see you, Eric.

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Hot Air Balloon Ride with Bry

The two make out in the sky and later Bryan gives Rachel a Spanish dictionary called “Bryan and Rachel’s Spanish Dictionary.” Basically he took a Spanish dictionary and put a piece of computer paper over the top of it like a book sock and wrote wife, husband, forever and “Big Rach” in the front cover. Hey Bryan, if you want her to pick you, maybe don’t call her Grande Rach. Like ever.

Church with Pete

They go to church to scare Peter further about marriage. Just kidding, they talk about saints and shit. Then that sly motherfucker of a monk is like will you become…how you say…married? And Rachel is like NOPE. Yeah this date will help things along. Peter is just wondering “about life, love, and everything in between.” And THAT is what we call scripted reality TV. I don’t care how much we all crush on Peter (A LOT), there’s no way he came up with that on his own. He then lists all the experiences he wants to have with Rachel like paint n sip and the farmers market. Yes, that’s called dating.

Later, he says he knows he’s in love and sees forever with Rachel but he’s not ready to propose. They repeat the same argument and both stand strongly in opposition. Peter’s like fine, I’ll propose if that means we can be together. And Rachel is like if you don’t want to, don’t do it. SHE WANTS HIM TO WANT TO PROPOSE. Could this be a more typical argument? Anyway, I think I blacked out for a little bit because I just figured they’d work their way through this and suddenly they’re kissing goodbye and Peter is ripping his JCrew sweater off to sob into it. Mmmm, muscles.

Chris Harrison rudely interrupts this to call it a breakup. I don’t know if I was just being naive but I 1000% thought they were just like let’s sleep on this and that Peter was going to bounce back the next day. I almost cried my eyelashes off with this jarring realization that they’re dunzo. (And my eyelashes are real…not to brag.)

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Peter makes an appearance in the hot seat and to say it’s pReTtY awkward would be the understatement of the century. I guess when I blacked out Peter was like you’re going to have a mediocre life without me. Kinda bitter but like Rachel sass handing him and telling him she’s living her best life was also unnecessary. GIRL DON’T YOU TALK TO PETER LIKE THAT.  Since Peter will obviously want that Bach nod, Rachel declares this process isn’t for him in attempts to curbstomp that dream. Rachel is literally every woman ever after a shitty breakup. I’M LIVING MY BEST LIFE BUT YOU DATE OTHER PEOPLE ON TV AND I’LL CUT YOU. PS let’s not gloss over the fact that Peter says he walked by Rachel’s crusty lashes stuck to the floor for two days, and thought about what he’d done. #ROMANCE. But seriously, clean those up. That’s disgusting.

PS do you think Bryan is about to hang himself by the curtains backstage listening to this? He could not more clearly be the last resort choice.

Back to the show–Rachel feels like she’s rushing it with Bryan after she loses Peter. BECAUSE SHE’S STILL IN LOooOVE WITH PETER and WISHES HE WOULD PROPOSE TRALALAAAAAA. During the proposal that was given away basically at the top of this three hour pile of steaming garbage, Bryan repeats the dumb Spanish line he said the first night…to bring it full circle. Then he also creepily says their first kiss was like a chemistry bomb exploded. Aaand apparently we’re also bringing it full circle to Bryan being gross. Rachel is like my heart is confused but I love you so much and I see my future in you. Yep this is everlasting love, folks. Also: pear shaped ring. Wuph.

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During the “After Show”, Bryan re-proposes to further remind us why we all hate him and they tongue smash each other onstage mere inches away from Chris Harrison. HOW CAN HE JUST SIT THERE AND WITNESS THAT WITHOUT TOSSING HIS COOKIES?! The couple that everyone definitely hates is considering moving to LA. WOW what a shocker. Rachel says, “We just want to live a normal life and get to know each other and spend time together.” Cough cough, EXACTLY WHAT PETER WANTED. Whatevz. Enjoy your month of press before your inevitable breakup, guys. You deserve nothing but the best.

*Editors Note: If the next season of this show is as unwatchable as these past two have been I’m officially declaring myself #done with this franchise. I’ve given it a fair chance. You hear this ABC? Clean it up or The Salty Ju is OUT.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Black History 101

MTA

If Men Tell All was treated like a Comedy Central Roast it would put asses in the seats. Just sayin. 2 hours of people continuing their fights we’re already bored of and apologizing for acting like total bholes on TV (to further their acting careers) is a waste of all of our precious time. With all the racial tension this season we really could’ve used some well-written jokes and Chris Harrison acting as the Jeff Ross of ABC to bring the house down. Just kidding, Chris’s only joke all night was about how they beefed up security for this taping and by that he means he’s been lifting weights. Get off the stage, Chris.

The dais consists of: Jamey, Diggy, Blake, Iggy, Anthony, Lucas, Fred, DeMario, Alex, Jonathan, Lee, Jack Stone, Josiah, Will, Matt, Kenny, Adam, Dean

I regret to inform you that Jack Stone doesn’t utter a peep all episode…not even a glimmer of that serial killer stare. Why even show up?

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Jack Stone may have gotten a full name intro to not even speak but Alex and Dean showed UP with their printed jackets and I’m here for it. Adam, I’m NOT here for your wool jacket and what looks like hummingbird printed shirt.

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Jonathan waved daunting tickle hands upon his introduction and there was a literal chill down my spine. I better not see his ticklers grace my screen ever again unless he’s part of a true crime doc. Whaboom gave us nothing other than a whaboom. DeMario unfortunately did the same. Nice try, DMoney. Your rep in the Bachelor franchise is cheater and alleged rapist. You can’t whaboom that out of our memory, try as you might.

Speaking of DeMario, he was first to be questioned by Chris for that little thing where his ratchet ex-gf called him out Maury-style. DeMario claims that Lexi is beat, wanted to be on TV and was just another mouth to him. Did he say that specifically? No. But he did quote a Weeknd lyric and straight up call her a side chick saying they never took pictures together so there’s no actual proof they ever dated. What a class act. I think at one point he compares himself to Bill Clinton? I’m guessing because he also completely denied banging some strange. What a world we live in. Hey DeMario remember when you ‘sploded all over Britney Spears like a total dweeb? The internet doesn’t forget. Whaboom guy gives DeMario daps and says he supports him. Apple, meet tree.

Kenny takes the hot seat to tell everyone that he wanted to establish a friendship first with Rachel, essentially admitting that he completely friend zoned himself. Then of course we jump to the Kenny vs. Lee feud for basically the remainder of the show. Everyone backs Kenny up and says he’s smart and calm and kewl. Lee admits he never was pulled out of a van aggressively and apologizes for never taking the high road or being a good friend. Read: Lee regrets being a real BIIITCH. Probably because everyone hates him and thinks he’s a giant racist and stuff.

lee

You know how 90% of this season as been filler? Yeah well this special is no different. Out comes Mackenzie, Kenny’s teenage daughter who has absolutely no place on this stage unless they’re looking to court her into Bachelorette of 2028. Kenny cries again. Does Kenny just like cry at the existence of his daughter? Cause this is starting to be a little much. If my dad cried every time he saw me I’d be like ok bro, pull it together, you’re embarrassing me. Mackenzie seems pretty chill with it though, especially because that wizard Chris Harrison surprises her with a trip to Disneyland for Kenny’s birthday. Is he serious? Just granting Disney wishes left and right? What can’t this man do? I honestly hope the producers didn’t even plan it. I want to live in a world where Chris Harrison has the power to be like hey go check out Disneyland and then producers have to scramble to make it happen. Realistically they were all probably like, let’s try and look heartwarming and make headlines about Disney and family values instead of the KKK.

Lee the snake has his time to shine when he takes the hot seat and tries to squirm his way out of being a terrible human being. Since Lee is obviously a con artist who is certainly racist but doesn’t really want to be confronted about it on TV so he turns heel and apologizes for nothing whatsoever, let’s talk about wtf is going on with Dean’s hair? He stands up to make some strong points but I don’t even remember what they are because I can’t stop looking at his weird part situation. It looks like he got an uneven haircut. Fire outfit, garbage lettuce. Can’t win ‘em all.

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The real hero of this sode, once again, is Mack Daddy Chris Harrison who’s all, let’s toss those racist and sexist tweets up on the big screen, hmmmm? Josiah descends upon the stage to ask why Lee would go on this season and be a racist MF’er. Lee responds, “I don’t like racism at all.” SOLID rebuttal. Interestingly enough, DeMario, who said Lee and him were dawgz like 10 minutes earlier, leaps out of his seat to teach Lee a lesson in history “1-0-fucking-1.” I would’ve killed to have DeMario clap between shouts about the KKK and NAACP. Mostly I’ve just wanted anyone to actually clap in between words like a fiery emoji-filled tweet. This seemed like an ideal time to do so.

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After the commercial break, Chris Harrison is like let’s review this tweet one more time. Anyone want to act it out? Shall we put it on a marquee lit up next to a headshot of Lee? Seriously CHarrison is the bee’s knees. Everyone wants to know WHY Lee is sorry (cough cough, admit you’re racist.) He doesn’t because this whole thing is bullshit and I refuse to address it anymore. Rachel lays into him even more when she comes out. Lee is a troutsniffer and will always be. That is all.

Fred gives a cringeworthy scripted & definitely practiced speech about how he knew and loved Rachel before he even showed up on the first night and will love her and be happy for her from afar forever and ever (while probably staining his yearbook and camp photos with salty, salty… tears. Were you thinking I was going to say something else? Pervs. JK he’s probably doing that too.) SKINSUIT ALERT. Beef up your security, Rach. Or just like, never go to your high school reunion…or home in general.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Hola Familia

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Rachel’s home visit is early because he sister is about to poop out a baby and Rachel needs her sis to judge her boyfriends before that happens. I feel ya girl. HOWEVER, Rachel’s super famous judge father CONVENIENTLY isn’t there. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….

Peter

Peter and Rachel stop at a baby store first to pick out a gift for the newest family member on the way. Peter tells Rachel he is falling in love with her because he hadn’t said it before and he could tell Rachel was NOT feeling confident with that. At family dinner, Peter gets suuuuupes emosh and tells the whole fam that he can’t imagine life without Rachel. Everyone creams their pants at this romantic manifesto. Except for me, because I know there’s no way Peter wins this thing. Why, you ask? Well Peter tells Rachel’s mom that he will not be asking for her dad’s blessing because he wants to make sure he’s ready when he does ask. He basically just wants to date Rachel. Rachel’s mom is like cool because her dad wouldn’t have given his blessing anyway. Bottom line, Rachel ain’t gonna like this very reasonable approach to a completely unreasonable television dating experience. Most importantly, the GOAT Copper makes an appearance. Where have you been, buddy? It looks like his paw is fully healed so there’s really no excuse as to why he hasn’t accompanied the gang on every traveling adventure. I call bullshit.

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Eric

Eric reminds us that he is a child who’s basically never dated or met the fam. His last relationship was only 8 months long and it was 3 years ago. Rachel’s sister is like um, no. Eric asks Rachel’s mom for her blessing and he’s like however you answer will not affect my actions, basically. Bro, don’t tell your girlfriend’s mom you lived the playboy life for years and that you’re gonna propose regardless of her blessing. His closing line for a family home visit is: “Peace and love. You’ll be great.” Oh, ok.

Bryan

Bry kicks off the visit with a little brunchy brunch to meet Rachel’s friends. Apparently we’re not the only ones shocked that he gets a friend hang as well as a family hang because he shouts Oh WOW fifteen times on the way to the restaurant.

He charms the panties off her friends just by saying he’s ready to settle down and how he’s not about playing games. But then he walks out cocky AF saying he won the friends over. When he meets Rachel’s family he spends a solid 5 minutes gushing over his mother and how much he loves her and how she’s the #1 woman in his life. It almost seems a little TOO weird. Rrrrred-red-red flag. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. Rachel’s mom is like your wife should be ranked above your mother, JUS SAYIN. I appreciate you, Kathy. Keep asking the tough questions, it’s TIME TO CRACK CHEEZY BRYAN. Even her sister steps in on truthing Bryan’s real feelings and I almost cheer at my TV. If Rachel’s family can singlehandedly take down Bryan in one dinner, they deserve all the awards. Rachel feels like she’s being attacked by her family and her orange-head bro in law steps in to tell Rachel she’s being too emotional and needs to take a step back. I would’ve drop kicked by brother in law if he told me how to talk to my mother. I kinda wanted to drop kick Rachel’s brother in law but I think that’s mostly because he just kind of has a punchable face and gets on my nerves. Not as much as Bryan does though, he tells Candace that he already feels one with their family and Candace is like we are not one with you. Rachel may have been all about Bryan and his Colombian tongue bathing her face the first time they met but the family is not falling for his BS. Mamma Kathy tells Rachel she’s uncomfortable with the word love at this point and it’s very obvious she just hates Bryan because she was down with love after 6 weeks with both of the other gents. Bryan doesn’t ask for a blessing, he just plans on doing the damn thing. Bold.

La Rioja, Spain

Bryan kicks the soccer ball around with little Spaniards. Peter wears khaki shorts and makes me question why I’m throwing my support behind him.

 We Out Here with Eric

Eric and Rachel “explore” AKA they go sit on a cliff and chat. Rachel asks what he learned about her from the hometown visit and his reply is, “you don’t really need much but you need everything.” It’s safe to say he Michael Scott’ed that one. Started a sentence and didn’t really know how he was going to end it. He tosses more words around, with the buzzword of the conversation being ‘strong’. Eric pretty much knows nothing and is really just trying to coast his way to a couple other countries and some more screen time at this point because he’s clearly not ready for marriage especially not to an independent WOman.

At dinner, Eric lists all their special times together through the journey if we count him listing cities and things as special times. COPENHAGEN. HOT TUB. WORDS. Rachel pushes him to complete a full sentence and he’s like I appreciate how much you challenge me. He tells her how happy he is and how he’s in love with her. It’s almost as if he knows that’s the password to the fantasy suite. Eric milks it for all its worth, doing a dramatic reading of the come into my bedroom card (THAT IS THE SAME EVERY SINGLE SEASON). I’m surprised he didn’t stand up and act out every sentence. Quit while you’re ahead, Eric. He’s shirtless the morning after. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Besos with Peter

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The vineyard owner talks to them in only Spanish and they pretend to understand it all. Peter doesn’t pretend that hard when he just about nods his head off. Then vineyard man awkwardly sings at them and gives me all the uncomfies. Can you imagine someone standing 2 inches away from you singing right in your grillpiece in a different language? That sounds like a nightmare. One time I was front row at open mic night and a comedian went up there to try some poorly written material and I wanted to die probably more than he did. Obviously I do well with social situations. Either way I’m sure it would’ve been appreciated if producers tossed some subtitles at these two as they were clearly struggling with this language barrier. They get a key to their “own” wine cellar AKA a cage with a temporary whiteboard tag attached to it. Production value was low here. Then, during their super serious conversation about marriage, a stray child lurks in the corner and suddenly that means it’s time to have a family grape stomping sesh. Perfect timing to bring back the best grape stompin ever created. (Hey, I gotta do something to liven up this dirt.com show/blog)

Per family tradition, Peter gives Rachel a cork from today and asks her to write a small novel on it about their day. It’s sweet but like their initials and a heart would’ve sufficed. Back to the hot topic at hand…Peter is NOT getting down on one knee at the end of this. Rachel speedy Gonzalez didn’t come on this show to find a boyfriend, she wants a huzzzzband. And Peter would only like to get engaged once and not ya know, just for TV because there’s pressure to. PRETTY NORMAL. They can’t find a common ground on this issue, which is like the whole show, so it’s not looking great. Rachel is devastated and obviously it’s to be continued.

I don’t think I need to say it but since this season is so bad I midas whale…these bottom three are DUD city and there’s no way any of them is right for Rachel. You’ve got a guy who clearly isn’t ready for marriage and has had like one college girlfriend, a guy who literally said he will not be proposing at the end of this and a guy who might just end up marrying his mother. Sick season. Since I’ve had such a terrible season to work with I hope you can forgive me mailing it in on every single one of these blogs. Just watch the old lady reporter screaming OW OWOWWWW over and over again and it’ll make it better. See you next week for Men Tell All where we are sure to see Lee get called a BITCH.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Marry the Family

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Baltimore, MD with Eric

Eric shows Rachel the Inner Harbor and then is like LoLz I didn’t grow up in this area and instead points out drug deals on the way to the court for some ballin. Question: if you’re caught on camera dealing drugs and it makes the cut for a network television show, is that enough evidence for an arrest? Just wondering. Mad respect to Rachel for shooting hoops in her heels. They were chunky heels so it wasn’t preposterous but like don’t try to be a hero, Rach. Suddenly out of nowhere, Eric’s BFF shows up to read a script about how proud of Eric he is and describe him as a positive ray of light and role model to all. At the end of his speech he disappears because his work here is done. Eric is a star amongst jailbirds, we get it.

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Rachel is also the first girl he’s brought home so the pressure is on. Eric’s fam is at a hotel because hometown visit really means rent out a conference room staged as a living room. Eric’s family is dressed to the nines in ball gowns and sparkles. Within the first five minutes the whole crew does a coordinated dance in excitement. I cringe the MOST but Rachel is living for it. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Eric’s aunt immediately loves Rachel and conducts a 20/20 interview about what it’s like being the first black bachelorette and how everything is going. She seems cool AF. On the other hand, Eric’s mom basically tells him that she raised him to be strong and independent and bury his feelings and he couldn’t have gotten this opportunity without that. UM?? Eric tells Rachel at the end of the night, “Like damn I really love this girl, what I mean is I really care for you.” Because love apparently doesn’t mean caring, so we needed that clarification. Rachel loves it so much and re-quotes it to the camera. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard but obviously girl is swept off her feet for Eric, so whatevs.

Miami, FL with Brian

I’d rather watch Rachel do the Carlton with Eric’s family 1 trillion times than see Bryan suction his mouth onto hers ONE MORE TIME. Brian sits down with his mom and she outs him for being a real manwhore. She’s like you’ve dated every girl on this planet, like you’ve traveled the world to bang some strange and you fall in love on a TV show? I call bullshit. YA, we all do. Momma tells Rachel that Brian is her life, in a very threatening way. Can’t see why his ex girlfriend didn’t like her. At the end of the night, Bryan, wearing an ombre red golf polo (hard no) tells Rachel that he’s falling in love with her. Or at least that’s what she says. I’m 100% confident I did not hear those words come out of his mouth. Regardless, we’ve gone yet another week with Bryan’s smooth talking and deep tonguing and we still don’t know why he’s middle aged and single and his only relationship story is about his girlfriend not liking his mom. MAKE IT HAPPEN, ABC.

Madison, WI with Peter

Peter introduces Rachel to some of his friends, specifically to show America that he kicks it with black folks. Not just A black friend, EIGHT black friends. #DiversityDay. Not only is he completely blatant with this group hang but also apparently he’s bragged to Rachel that 80% of his friends are black. So that’s how you win the girl. His bros tell him not to F it up even if he’s terrified of getting engaged, which he is.

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At his family’s house, Peter goes where do we start? And Rachel proves that she has a script for every home visit when she goes FROM THE BEGINNING! (for the third time this episode) Pete snuggles up with his niece and Rachel is all PUT A BABY IN ME! Same, girl, same. Peter’s mom says he’s ready for a commitment but maybe not a proposal and Rachel is not liking that even for a minute. WHY DON’T YOU WANT A NORMAL GUY WHO CAN’T PROPOSE TO A GIRL AFTER A FEW WEEKS?! Chill on it. He says he’s very happy but you can tell that’s not enough for Rachel. She wants that L word. (I assumed Peter would be going home but really was just too focused on getting to the main event to really be sad…Dean’s father.)

In the Woods (Colorado?) with Dean

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After one too many teasers, I waited in anticipation all episode for the big reveal that was Dean’s family. It starts out with Rachel calling Dean her “beautiful surprise” which is a pretty weird nickname, tbh. Then we get to the good stuff. Dean announces that his father was traditional growing up but now is a “Sikh of some sort” and has given himself the name, “PARAMROOP S. KHAHSA” (My friend googled it for me, so that’s the real deal.) You know when you introduce yourself to someone and they say their name once and you have literally no clue what collision of letters that could be so you ask them to repeat it and when they do there’s still no hope so you just smile and say nice to meet you? Yeah that’s pretty much Rachel’s reaction to Dean giving her this information. She’s like ok cool haha so what should I call him? And Dean is like Paramroop. And I suspect that’s the exact moment she decided to not open her mouth unless spoken to at this family event. BTW, dad’s name used to be Chip. So that’s quite a transformation.

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Upon arrival, Paramroop with one stink eye and eyebrows brushed up to the sky, makes everyone lay down while he plays the gong. Dean pretty much wants to leave this earth from embarrassment. Not even just from his dad gonging out hard, but probably also from the fact that his whole family is sitting in a circle and acting like they’re all besties and haven’t gone years without talking. There’s a gift of feathers in honor of Dean’s mother who passed and then they are fed a dinner of mung beans.

Dean doesn’t eat the bowl of dirt and lies that he’s stuffed from all the air he ate before the visit. Then I can no longer make fun of this date and all of its weirdness because Dean confronts his dad one on one and it’s mostly just sad. Dean expresses his feelings of abandonment and not feeling supported after his mom’s death when he was only 15 and his dad is like yeah I was a real dick but whatevz. Apparently he was a workhorse, which BEGS the question of what P-Dawgz did in his former life. Did he have a career in finance that somehow led him to Eat, Pray, Love find himself a life of sitting on the floor in shades of Lavender and discussing his chakra? The world may never know. Just kidding. The Internet exists. I WILL find out. The convo does not end well. Rachel tries to talk to P-Money and he basically asks her to leave because it’s so uncomfortable and his son clearly hates him. Dean says he’s falling in love with Rachel as they roll around on Dean’s dad’s collection of sitting pillows. BE MORE RESPECTFUL, GUYS.

Rachel talks the dates through with C Harrison because he hasn’t felt useful in a few episodes since the rose ceremonies have been deleted from our regular programming. Chris Harrison’s job is to literally name each man and ask what Rachel thinks about them. Then he asks what she’s gonna do. That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.

Rose Ceremony

Bryan, Eric, Peter.

Dean just isn’t ready for the next step like Rachel is. Also his family is a bunch of selfish assholes. Fortunately, ABC announced his spot on Paradise weeks ago so we know he’ll be fine.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Still Cutting Dead Weight

Moving our way up through the vacation locales, we’ve arrived in Geneva, Switzerland after a glorious Bachelorette free week. It was ABC’s birthday gift to ‘Merica. Rachel’s gift to these men is telling them at the beginning of the episode that there would be no rose ceremony, thus leaving them to their devices to put their heads together and figure out who will not benefit from this little switcheroo. Cough cough, the only two left that no one remembers the names of, we’re all lookin at you. Seriously though, my dad watched the first five minutes of this episode because I bribed him with a chocolate ice cream bar and the first thing he said was who are these two guys, they’re both ugly when it showed Matt and Adam strategizing on the patio. Classic Dad roast. He’s not wrong though.

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Rich People Stuff with Slobbers McGee

Bryan gets to drive a Bentley around town for a little Swiss watch shopping. Rachel’s all, I love to take care of my man, and Bryan’s all, I’m gonna tongue dive all over your face while we shop for expensive jewels. What a couple of douchers. Bryan calls a watch “a forever gift” (ok.) and is close to bursting into grateful tears as he thanks Rachel for his new timepiece. Rachel can CTFD on pretending for a second that she paid out of pocket for two Swiss watches. Cut the bullshit, girl. Your TV show paid for this trip as well as this date and all gifts included. They will also pay for your engagement ring that you will end up having to give back. NICE TRY THOUGH.

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At night we learn that Bryan’s last serious girlfriend dumped him because she didn’t like his mom or something. Rachel is like I can’t wait to meet your mom here’s a rose followed closely by my tongue. They eat face while violins play.

During this suffocating date, back at the hotel, Dean’s like alright, this jabroni is 37, lives in Miami and has had a lotta time to learn how to smooth talk his way into a lady’s drawers. TRUTH BOMB. #TEAMDEAN (or #TEAMANYONEBUTBRYAN)

Put on your Sunday Best with Dean

Rachel takes Dean to church and not in the way Hozier sings about. So, Bryan gets to drive a Bentley and get blinged out, Dean has to sit through a mass all in French. SUCKKKSSSSS. Church in foreign countries blows big time. I went in Italy and basically got booed out of the joint. It didn’t help that my friend who came with me was wearing what she wore out to the bars the night before. But either way…it’s God’s rule that when you’re worshipping Him, the people around you shouldn’t be judgmental AF. NOT UP IN HERE! Not only did the heffer in front of me act like I was a carrier of SARS during the sign of peace but she also seatblocked me after communion and the entire congregation sounded like they were auditioning to be the phlegm in a Mucinex commercial. In the words of myself, in an email I sent to my father from Florence in 2012 complaining about how mean those turds at the Duomo are:  “Then mass ended so that we could go in peace and learn how to be asshole Italians who treat others poorly in the house of the Lord.” Why did I tell that tale of how Italy is the home of the Pope but they’re the least welcoming Catholics on this planet? Because it’s infinitely more interesting than anything that occurred on this date. HEYYOOOOOO.

Later, Rachel tells Dean that this date sucked. Hey, maybe don’t expect a trip to french church to do anything BUT suck. But either way, Dean confesses that he acted like a weirdo because he doesn’t want Rachel to meet his dysfunctional family who peaced out on him when his mom died. Rachel takes this very obvious “I don’t really wanna be on this show anymore” as an invite for a hometown date. CAN’T W8!

We’re at the Peak of our Relationship with Peter

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Rachel and Peter fly up to Glacier 3000 for a dog sledding adventure. Speaking of dogs WHERE THE F HAS COPPER BEEN THE LAST 4 EPISODES?! Other than watching puppy wuppies run in the snow and Peter’s beautiful cover-ready mug getting more screen time, nothing about this date is particularly noteworthy. Except for the fact that Peter’s most recent girlfriend never met his parents and they just grew apart. He tells this story really dramatically even tossing in the “I watched her crying in my rearview mirror as I drove away” for a pretty low-key breakup. No one died, no one was sick; no one was cheated on or beaten with a high heel. Grow up, Peter. Rachel feels like Petey’s not ready for the ole proposal, probably because he cried over dumping a girlfriend once. She gives him the rose anyway.

Difficulty with Eric, Matt and Adam

Rachel greets the three losers and they all say “THERE SHE IS!” in different tones. Real original. They take a boat to France. Eric’s not afraid no more. Real sentence that dribbled out of his mouth. Rachel sobs to Matt about how he reminds her so much of herself. Is that why the guy who wore a penguin suit the first night to cover up his balding head is still around? Rachel is like I’m crying because I don’t want to meet your family, goodbye. I’m pretty sure the first time they’ve ever kissed was when she was giving him the boot.

Later after Matt (?) is bounced, Adam says, “there she is” in a careless whisper and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW THERE RACHEL IS!!! He takes her aside to tell her about his family and how much he loves her or something I don’t know. He brought a dummy of himself on the first night that was terrifying. He cannot survive one more week on this god-awful show. Eric gets the rose, thankfully. Only a few more weeks everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The Bachelorette – I’m Copen This Ends Soon

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Monday night (if you recall…I know it was a while ago) Lee told Rachel that Kenny turns into the Hulk when he drinks. Casually, of course. Kenny plays right into Lee’s bullshit and starts threatening Lee with some grown-up swears. He is a VERY angry elf. Rachel tells Lee that she can’t trust him and that she wants to spend more time with Kenny to decide if he’s worthy of a rose. Lee may be a bitch (said only in hushed tones) but Kenny is acting like one too and they both need to GTFO. Kenny needs to “say goodbye” to Lee while Rachel waits in the helicopter and questions why she decided to do this show. I wonder every week (sometimes twice a week) why I decided to watch it.

Rachel asks Kenny later why he needed to go back to Lee for an extra goodbye other than to make us all want to hang ourselves with the living room curtains. Kenny says he needs to talk things through rather than bottling them up. It’s a decent explanation but also that was wildly unnecessary and Lee gets his paycheck whether you tell him he has some good inside of him or not. But who am I to judge? They have a nice chat about how Kenny wants to be vulnerable and have a good relationship. Kenny gets the rose because he’s honest and sincere and a dad. Then he illegally facetimes his daughter and sobs a lot again.

Rose Ceremony Numero Uno: Bryan, Will, Kenny, Dean, Eric, Peter, Alex, Adam, Matt(WHY?)

Josiah shouts that no one is better than him, as he leaves…a loser. A loser with a skinny wiener.

OFF TO COPENHAGEN!!! WHAT an upgrade from Myrtle Beach or wherever they were last week.

I’m Copen to Love with Eric

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Eric dances over to Rachel and is REAL jazzed to finally get some time togets and probably also that Lee is gone. And Iggy. They take a boat tour of the city and an old man thinks they’re married because he was paid to say that. Then they get in a public hot tub where some old Denmarkian flashes them his family jewels. Sounds like the type of crowd you would expect at a cluster of hot tubs dropped in the middle of a city. Maybe get tested right quick, guys. Just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. Eric tells Rachel that he’s falling for her, he always ran from love because his mom hated him. He gets rosed.

I’ve Taken A Viking To You Guys with Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, Adam

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The bros have to row Viking style out to an island where they learn from Tom, an actor wearing a beanie that looks like a condom on his head that Viking is actually pronounced Wiking. See? This show is educational. The first game is to grab a greasy wooden phallic shaped thing from Rachel’s hand. FUN! Peter tosses Rachel around like a ragdoll. MUSCLES! TOSS ME AROUND, PETER. In the final round it’s Adam vs. Kenny fighting for her heart and you don’t say KENNY GETS AN EYE INJURY! SHOCKER the injury that was teased for 2 weeks was really just from a dumb group date competition AND NOT FROM LEE. WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT?! Me. I guessed it. Suck it, ABC. Suck it so hard.

Later Bryan is like we’re so connected, as his tongue snakes down Rachel’s throat because their only conversations are slurping ones. We do learn that Bryan’s family won’t be racist (hometown guarantee) and that he’s ready to settle down. We also learn that Will only dates whites, but he’s down to explore Rachel.

Kenny (who fought real hard to stick around) feels like he’s losing time with his daughter for no reason. Realistically we all know his time expired on this show right around the same time that he wouldn’t stop freestyle rapping. He tells Rachel that he needs to know if he’s staying or not because he wants to go hang with his kid. Rachel keeps it one hunnid and tells Kenny he should go home. She’s so 100 emoji it’s unreal. I wonder if she has the 100 emoji tatted somewhere? I wouldn’t be surprised. Kenny facetimes his daughter on the way home and cries. Props for keeping it consistent. Rachel gives the rose to Peter because DUH.

Sweden with Will

The two play games and get hot chocolate and an old ass Swedish couple just HAPPEN to join Rachel and Will to talk about their love story. It’s completely organic and not at all scripted. They smooch to show they’re still in love even though they’re old and crusty and Rachel has to demand that Will give her a kiss. Yikes to that chemistry. They finish the day portion in awkward silence staring out at the view.

Later Will confesses that he’s mostly dated white chicks and immediately you can tell Rachel is not down with this. Rachel tells Will he’s just friend material. They talk for far longer about this than is necessary. Bye, Will. You’ve been friend zoned. Speaking of friend zoned does anyone remember that show on MTV? Where one person is in love with their best friend and then MTV films them confessing and the other person has to decide if they want to date them or never speak to them again because obviously the friendship is over? God that show was good. SO much better than this show. Can we bring that back? Nothing says good TV like old fashioned rejection.

Rose Ceremony Numero Dos: Eric, Peter, Bryan, Matt(AGAIN, WHY?!), Dean, Adam

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The Bachelorette – Bitches Get Stitches

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“See what a bitch does when a bitch is confronted”

We’re still on the group date where the guys showed us that spelling wasn’t their strong suit. It’s the shitty date that will never end. Rachel is being wooed by Bryan and his lazy tongue dragging all over her face while Kenny takes a very intoxicated Lee out back for a little chatski. He puts on his best Kindergarten teacher voice to calmly tell Lee that he’s a snake and a liar. Lee walks away confidently exclaiming that he’s in Kenny’s head and he won that battle. So we’re clearly dealing with someone very rational here.

Bryan gets a rose because his tongue permanently resides on Rachel’s face. Kenny makes a speech about how much he respects Bryan for not stepping on anyone else or lying to get his rose and “doing it the right way”. Lee says F you and it leads to the only moment I laughed out loud so far this season. Kenny whispering to Lee “You’re a bitch” is the only redeeming moment of the past 4 weeks. Nothing quite like being whisper insulted in front of all of America. If I were Lee I would’ve just left the show right then and there. Nothing you can do to recover from that.

Shuckin’ and Shaggin’ with Jack Stone

Jack Stone, the only jabroni who had his full name in his bio but then went by Jack on the actual show has intrigued me this whole season. He looks like he belongs on a bus ad for realtors with that ridiculous smile but stayed under the radar so far. I guess he was just waiting for his shining moment to show everyone that he is sneaky a serial killer. Not only does he spend the entire date looking up at Rachel with his head tilted down like he’s eyeing her from the corner of a coffee shop, but he also cannot complete a sentence.

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After slurping some oysters together, Rachel tells the camera, “we should be perfect for each other but I’m still missing something.” A personality, perhaps? She literally jumps out of her skin when Jack tries to kiss her and says some bullshit about how she’s sick or something? Bro take the hint that she’s macking EVERYONE but you (but mostly Bryan). Jack goes on and on about how comfortable he is, how quickly he’s falling in love and how perfect their first kiss is which means he’s getting sent home REAL soon, like before he tries to tongue her again soon. Meanwhile, Rachel is like my vagina is drying up by the second. To put the nail in the coffin, Jack tells Rachel he just wants to lock the door, lay in bed and hang out with her. YOU, SIR, ARE A CREEP. Rachel grabs the rose to break up with Jack and tell him that she’s not attracted to him. The fact that Rachel’s go-to move is breaking up with guys who are obsessed with her with the rose in her hand is SUH dirty I can’t help but love it. Here’s this rose that I’m absolutely not going to give to you because you’re gross. Bye.

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Back at the castle, Will has a grown up talk with Lee about how using the word aggressive to describe a black man can seem racist AF. Lee doesn’t “understand the race card”. Yep, ok.

Rose Ceremony: Dean, Bryan, Eric, Peter, Adam, Will, Matt, Alex, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, Lee

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Tickle monster gets one last tickle in for the road and says he needs a girl who appreciates tickling. I hate to break it to you J, but that doesn’t exist on this planet. Iggy sobs about how disappointed he is in himself. Maybe if you didn’t spend your time with Rachel being a grade A narc, you wouldn’t be drowning in your own tears.

Bryan’s Date in Oslo, Norway

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Rachel wants to know if there’s more to Bryan than his sloppy tongue. They repel off of a ski jump, with Rachel in very sensible heeled ankle booties. Eye roll city. Bryan is sex breathing as he’s repelling then demands kisses from Rachel mid-suspension. The kissing noises make me want to rip my ears clean off of my head. WE GET IT—YOU GUYS WANT TO VISIT BONETOWN. Rachel is scared to find out why he’s still single cause we ALL KNOW there’s gotta be a reason. At the night portion Bryan smooth talks it up that he’s in all the way and he’s vulnerable and blah blah blah he gets a rose and I cannot wait for his flaw to be exposed.

I’m Looking for a Guy That’s Good with his Hands with Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, Josiah

The guys play a game of handball with Rachel. Josiah’s flirting approach is to block every single one of her goals and never let her win. Peter takes the opposite approach and touches Rachel the whole game long. Lotsa touches. Real handsy that salt and pepper prince is.

Later on, Alex reads a letter he wrote to Rachel. Can we cut the shit with everyone penning poems and letters? It’s so lame sauce and weird to popcorn read your diary entry to the girl you’re trying to date. Speaking of weird, Matt had lyrics embroidered on some silky underwear? Seriously what was that? That’s almost as shitty as Lee’s block of wood from his dead grandpa.

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Josiah tells Rachel that she’s the girl for him. She points out that he never asks her questions. And his response is you’re so pretty and smart. What a connection those two have. Peter and Rachel make out in the hot tub…on a group date…while everyone waits in the other room. Hm. Will gets the rose and Peter immediately wants to drown himself in that dirty scalding water. DOES A HOT TUB HOOKUP MEAN NOTHING TO RACHEL?!

2 on 1 with Lee and Kenny

In prep for the date, Kenny facetimes his daughter and sobs a lot. Since when are the contestants allowed to have cell phones? Loop hole. Lee gets swole. Cause apparently the cowboy is now a gym rat. Did he change out of his boots to lift weights? I must know. Lee waltzes out to the group of guys shit talking him before the date and is all can’t wait to get some time with my guurrrllll! Hey Lee, no one is rooting for you. They helicopter to a remote forest as per usual for a two on one date. Kenny says all the right things and tells Rachel how much he wants to focus on their relationship and not that slippery snake racist, Lee. Lee tells Rachel that Kenny ripped him out of a van and then weaves a long tale about how Kenny becomes abusive when he drinks and turns to the dark side. What a manipulative lil bitch. Also in case I haven’t mentioned it in a while, his hair is really ridiculously stupid. Rachel re-confronts Kenny about beating the shit out of Lee or whatever and it’s to be continued tomorrow night because what else do we all have to do this week other than sit through a 4 hour lead-up to a fake punch? Nothing, apparently. It’s sad that it’s true.

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The Bachelorette – Buncha Baby Bitches

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GET MY NAME OUTCHA MOUF. Okay we’re all caught up from two weeks ago. We pick up at the rose ceremony again where Eric is shouting at everyone and stuff. Lee interrupted Kenny and hovered like a real creep so that he could tell her his grandpa got cancer and gift Rachel with a block of wood. The other guys confuse the word quirk and cork. Classic mix-up. Kenny and Lee argue about how they’re no longer boys because boys don’t interrupt each other to give their girl a stray block from life-size Jenga. Rachel overhears and excuses herself to go cry because there’s too much pressure on her. (Ahem, as the first black bachelorette.) She’s #done with this shit. And as everyone knows, when the bachelorette has a breakdown and clicks her heels three times, Chris Harrison will appear to make it all better. Or he’ll just gather the gang to tell them that Rachel is hella mad and wants to start sending bitches home, STAT. I think we can all agree that cocktail hour went on long enough anyway.

Rose Ceremony: Anthony, Alex, Eric, Will, Dean, Jonathan, Peter, Adam, Bryan, Matt, Josiah, Jack, Iggy, Kenny, Lee

Our Love is About to Take Off with Dean

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Rachel and the boys head to Hilton Head Island down in South Carolina. Number one vacation spot for bougie families with small children. Cue the commercial with drone shots of the beaches and quaint southern buildings. THIS IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO FALL IN LOOOOOVEEE. Or ride in a minivan for 14 hours with your siblings and cousins to visit during school spring break. Either way, either way’s fine. Anywho, Dean is afraid of heights and apparently is SHOCKED that a date called “our love is about to take off” includes flying. COME ON, DEAN. They cruise around in a blimp because Rachel used to call blimps, “bimps”. I guess? I don’t know. I didn’t even know people could ride in a blimp. What’s romantic about charging through the sky in a chode shaped Goodyear advertisement? Nothing, I tell you. They fly the blimp by the hotel to brag. Total douche move. Eric obv takes it personally. Later on, Dean talks about his mom dying of cancer and it’s literally heartbreaking. Like why is it necessary to have these talks? He talks about his mom telling him she wouldn’t be coming home and I think I speak for everyone when I say I was choking back sobs. He gets a rose. They hit up a Russell Dickerson concert. Whoever that is. JK I’ll stop being a dick. His song was actually really good. Dean and Rachel slow dance and make out in front of everyone, duh!

I Want to See Who’s Ready for Commitment with Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will & Josiah

Rachel invites everyone on a yacht to embarrass themselves, essentially. The boys pop their tops off and immediately form a dance circle like Get Low just came on at the 8th grade dance. This awkward take turns doing shitty dance moves quickly morphs into a little rap sesh. Peter raps and it makes me want to cringe away forever and die. Suddenly, we go from a Diddy music video to a spelling bee hosted by Chris Harrison and judged by preteen girls. What a spin move.

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Apparently Rachel wants someone who can pop their pecs AND spell dirty words because the first word is squirt. SERIOUSLY?! On what planet has anyone ever said that they like a squirt of lime in their tequila? A SQUIRT? Props to Rachel for being far more mature than I will ever be (it’s not that hard) reading that sentence with a straight face. Kenny tells everyone he’s ready to show he has brains then promptly spells champagne wrong. Lolerz. “PHYSDE” is how Eric spelled Façade. Let that sink in. Josiah is the champ and his second to last word was stunning so clearly this whole thing was a downright scam. Stunning is round 1 shit. ROUND ONE. I should know, I won my 4th grade spelling bee, nbd but HBD, yo. I was a much more graceful winner than Josiah. As in, I didn’t tongue my trophy in front of everyone.

At the after party, Josiah drinks out of his trophy like the giant wiener that he is. Peter and Rachel talk about if they would move for each other and conveniently Rachel is licensed to practice law in Wisconsin. Hmmmm. Interesting. Iggy uses his Rachel time to say that Josiah isn’t real. Cause Iggy was put on this show to narc on everyone else and call it “being protective.” He immediately tells Josiah and everyone is like hey Iggy, you’re a big tattletale and no one likes you. The Lee vs. Kenny thang continues when Rachel asks each of them what happened and Lee lies like the capital R racist that he is. This shit is to be continued, natch and next week is two episodes of garbage instead of your regular scheduled programming of just one. Don’t you dare let the previews fool you into thinking that Kenny gets punched though. I’ve fallen for that trick one too many times and I’m putting my foot ALL THE WAY DOWN. ALL THE WAY. Every single season they flash some injury and tease a fight that never happens and I drink that kool aid like nobody’s biz. Well, not this year. After Carly’s fake black eye and the mirage of Chad throwing torsos in the pool, I’m OUT. Kenny either gets this injury from an activity or causes it himself because I REFUSE to step into the OBVIOUS trap that Lee the honkey can ever get a right hook on Kenny the pro wrestler that would cause that much damage. But damnit I’ll be popping a bag of popcorn in case I’m wrong. I’m like never wrong though. Honestly.

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The Bachelorette – Did He Finish the Banana?

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If you recall, last week was a to be continued because we’ve already started that trashcan rotation for the season. Demario is back to beg for more TV time. He kicks things off by shaking Rachel’s hand. Hot start. He’s sorry and stuff. He also has turned into Socrates in his time alone with his thoughts as he tells Rachel, “In order to experience joy, you need pain.” Rachel says boy, bye I need a man. SEEEE YUHHHHH.

To sum up the rest of the cocktail party, there are a pair of giant hands and Whaboom tells a story about Blake standing over him while he sleeps and licking a banana. No. Seriously. Speaking of banana licker, Blake is going through a hair identity crisis. It’s half slicked back and half hard side part. FIGURE IT OUT, BLAKE.

Rose Ceremony: Dean, Peter, Josiah, Bryan, Bryce, Eric, Anthony, Will, Jonathan, Jack, Matt, Alex, Adam, Kenny, Brady, Lee, Iggy, Fred, Diggy

Blake and Lucas both get kicked off and end up fighting outside of the mansion about whose funnier and who has a garbage clown life. The fact that this was a 10-minute scene that we had to endure foreshadowed this boring ass episode in addition to this terrible season.

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Lights, Camera, Action with Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, Fred

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Rachel recruits Ellen to judge her men. She points out that terror Jonathan and goes, “This guy tickled me coming out of the limo.” And Ellen swiftly replies, “I don’t like that.” Me neither, Ellen. Me neither. Then she marches right over to him and gives him a hard tickle. YEAH. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, TICKLE MONSTER? Bryan snatches the mic from Ellen to tell everyone that he got to kiss Rachel. What a 37 year old LOSER. There’s a lot of shirtless man meat grinding on old ladies. (We see you, Alex) followed by a preeetttyyyy lame version of Never Have I Ever. It becomes clear that Fred has made the watch list for next cut when he tells the camera that Rachel is deeply rooted in his soul and he can’t do anything without thinking about her.  As if that isn’t creepy enough he also asks Rachel if it’s an ok time to kiss her at the after date party. ALL THE CRINGES IN THE WORLD. It’s the most one-sided smooch on this earth and Fred starts rambling about how the minute his lips touched hers he envisioned her in a wedding dress. On the other end of the spectrum, Rachel tells us all it was like a little boy kissing her. Is there anything more insulting on this earth? Probably kicking Fred out while carrying a rose in her hand, but that’s neither here nor there. (It’s a tragedy he couldn’t take weirdo  pants Jonathan with him.) Alex gets the rose because he has good abs and sexual AF dance moves.

Meet Me at the Rodeo with Anthony

Everyone is stopping to take pictures and shout at Rachel and Anthony riding horses down Rodeo Drive cause like, they’re the most famous people in LA. Since this is a cowboy themed date (because cowboys go shopping on Rodeo Drive) Rachel points out that she’s from Dallas no less than 100 times. We get it, you’re a country girl. Although to be clear, true country girls aren’t wearing Ted Mosby red cowboy boots. But whatevzzz, who am I to judge? As to be expected when you feed a horse cupcakes then tromp it into ANYWHERE BUT A BARN, it’s going to shit all over the place. Hey, at least the bougie boutique with the glitter graphic tees for probably $100 a piece got a little free pub before the horses dumped out all over. Quick tip: if the only thing I have to talk about from this date is horse shit, IT PROBABLY WAS A PRETTY BORING DATE. Later on her and Anthony smooch and dance and stuff and he gets a rose probably. Who cares.

tedmosby

At the mansion, Eric gets drunk and wah-wah’s about how this whole thing is fake and he’s feeling insecure. Iggy tries to insert himself to shut him up and the boozy shouts start.

Sometimes in Relationships the Women have to Take Charge with Kenny, Bryce, Jack, Eric, Lee, Bryce, Adam & Dean

Rachel brings last season Bachelor rejects 1-4 along for the group date to try and further convince us that these are her real life besties. She does so by saying “my girls” a lot. Raven has a bottle of fireball in between her legs, her back is on full display in a white bodysuit and she starts whispering in Bryce’s little elf ear on the party bus. This doesn’t seem like something I would want one of “mah girls” doing on my date. But that’s just me. The guys strip down for a little mud wrestling and this is when we truly get to see what low budget acting looks like.  A lady wearing a hot pink corset that can only being found in costume stores calls the rounds with her tits spilling out the top. Then, before each fight begins, the camera pans to a different extra in the crowd who will shout things like, “LET ME SEE YOUR JUNK, WOOOOOO!” or “LET ME SEE THAT BUTT” with an over the top wink and shrill shout. These “actresses” most likely got paid more than I make in a week to do this. Life is sad. Somehow Bryce wins over Kenny (an actual wrestler), I smell a rigged competition. Fun fact: everyone looks super disgusting caked in mud.

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Rachel asks her BFFL’s which of the guys they like and they all ❤ Dean and h8 Eric. Corinne doesn’t even know where she is. Thanks for coming, girl. You deserve a nap.

Later on Kenny shows Rachel how he used to be a Chippendale by ripping his shirt off and grinding on her. Eric sits down with Rachel and she immediately narcs that Bryce and Lee were talking about him earlier on the date. Not to her. TO ONE OF HER GIRLS. Eric confronts Lee and Bryce and they both lie, obviously. Eric gets the rose. Lee says he’s happy for him in a way that really means he wishes Eric would die. (After he just told Eric how much he loves and respects him. Yeah, ok.)

At the cocktail party, everyone talks shit about Eric basically. And by everyone I mostly mean Iggy and Lee. This is the part of the show where there’s no actual story so they just have people who don’t like each other fight and tattle to the Bachelorette that so and so isn’t there for the right reasons. It’s pointless because everyone in the world knows that Iggy, Eric and that racist Lee will not end up with Rachel. Eric reassures Rachel that he’s real AF and then gathers the boys to scream at everyone to get his name out their mouths. Way to keep it cool. Calm as a cucumber. It’s to be continued obviouslyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

PS not for nothing but Blake is a helluva Whaboomer. He should seriously consider that as a future career path if being an uptight dick doesn’t work out for him.

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The Bachelorette – Copper Rules, DeMario Drools

 

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It’s like the producers knew I wasn’t really feeling this season and they try to hook me at the beginning of the episode and reassure me of my choices by tossing in gratuitous Copper scenes. And I accept. What I refuse to accept is that Copper is a casj cripple. WHO HURT YOU COPPER? I’LL HUNT THEM DOWN LIKE A DOG.

I’m Looking for Husband Material with Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred & Lucas

The guys start out with some grilled food that they don’t eat and tossing a little of the ole pigskin around. Lucas obv whabooms a lot then hardcore spins Rachel in her dress (it’s a good thing they didn’t eat those hot dogs), Blake seethes from the side because he was put on this show to wholeheartedly hate Lucas. Then, SURPRISE! Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher have joined the show to moderate the date’s activity. Someone utters that they are, “The most perfect couple in Hollywood right now” and I audibly gasped. DO NOT insult Blake and Ryan with such cutting words. Mila asks all the guys if they have jobs and Blake, Whaboomer & Tickle Monster are ODDLY silent. Ashton predicts Rachel’s guy isn’t in this group. Yeah no shit, we can all predict that, have you ever seen this show before? Mila makes some dirty sex comments that SURPRISINGLY make the cut on a show that then blurs out what I hope is fake poop in baby diapers. If it’s real poop then I’m concerned for how realistic these games are. In the Danny Tanner competition, most of the guys are sent to the doghouse for killing their babies, except for Lucas who literally drowns his offspring while unclogging the sink and yet still wins. He also bodies Kenny (whose career is pro wrestler…bold) to secure the W. And of course, for the grand finale, Lucas “Whaboom” spikes his baby. As a winning prize, he tries to convince Ashton to do a Whaboom and even the creator of an MTV show that pranked D list celebs was like yeah, no. I’m not going to do that. KICK ROCKS, LUCAS.

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Later on, Rachel is feeling no chemistry with any of these guys because real talk they’re all duds. Blake the aspiring drummer gets on his soap box to tell the other guys that he “knows Lucas from another time” and thinks he just wants to get on TV. AKA someone tipped him off to IMDB Lucas and see that he’s just an actor…which by the way is TOTAL BS. Either way, Blake fulfills his life mission to ruin his own chances by only talking about Lucas and narcs to Rachel that he’s not here for the right reasons because he lived with his ex-girlfriend or something that I don’t care to remember. Dean interrupts this sad, sad after-date party to soak Rachel’s panties just by joking with her. Hot crowd. He obviously gets rosed and a lot of smooches with red lipstick face, free of charge.

I’m Looking for My Best Friend with Peter

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Rachel brings Copper on the date and I’M ALL IN. Her Peter and Copper fly to Palm Springs for a bark box doggie pool party and I’ve never grinned at the TV harder. Peter, who? MORE COPPER PLS. How do I get an invite to one of these pup parties and do I need to have a dog in order to attend? You can get back to me on that. I guess Peter and Rachel bond but I don’t care because I spend the whole time wondering what Copper is up to and if the other dogs are picking on her for having a cast at a pool party. Turns out she doesn’t let that hold her back and still hops right into the pool for a quick dip. When she wants to get loose, Peter picks her right up and they dance. It’s the cutest darn thing on this earth. Side note: when Peter asked what happened to Copper’s leg, Rachel was REAL sketchy and said they could talk about it off camera. NOW I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. Why not just cut that part out completely? My curiosity is through the roof.

Later on, Rachel wears a bangarang dress and the two bond over being gap toothed. They also both went to relationship therapists, where they learned it’s not their fault they’re so gap toothed. Just kitten. This conversation is boring and would’ve been more interesting if Copper was sitting at the table with them being adorbs AF. Peter gets a rose and they watch a fireworks show outside. Rachel puts earphones on Copper AS IF he’ll not be terrified of fireworks directly on top of him. My dog used to hide from the vacuum. BE SMARTER, RACHEL. DOGS HATE FIREWORKS.

Swish with Lee, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario

kareem

Rach wants to find a baller so she brings the gang to open gym with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I haven’t seen Kareem since he helped Uncle Jesse find his sweet spot for DJ’s charity basketball game and it would be putting it mildly to say that he has aged. In fact, if someone hasn’t checked on Kareem since this was filmed, I suggest that they do so because he was a whisper away from flatlining right on that bench. Anyway, let’s talk about how Josiah said Rachel’s leggings fit her like a coca cola bottle. Is that a compliment? During practice time, DeMario dunks right in Rachel’s grillpiece and compares himself to Jordan, Brady AND Jeter. So he’s staying really humble and his overconfidence definitely won’t become an issue. The boys then learn that they have to play a full game for a “packed” house. They can’t seem to get their heads in the game and it’s a real sad excuse for a bball game.

wildcats

After the game the actual Cash me Ousside girl approaches Rachel to tell her she was dating DeMario when he went on after the rose. She seems well intentioned until Rachel drags DeMario out of the locker room to get cornered and it turns into a full-on episode of Maury. Lil Miss Scrunchie is talking directly to the camera, dropping F bombs and running her mouth like nobody’s biz. Shit got ratchet real quick and Rachel finally has to put her foot down when she reads a text chain that tosses Demario’s deny, deny, deny, then lie tactic right out the window. Not even a well-timed dunk will save him now.

Rachel tells him to get the F out. Chris Harrison tries to pop in for a little pep talk but Rachel is not having it after being cornered by someone wearing a nude colored scrunchy in front of cameras. She addresses the locker room about what just happened. She didn’t come here to get played, she came here to keep it one hunnid. Lee needs further explanation of what that means.

Later on, all the guys comfort her as if someone has passed instead of a playa being sent home. There are songs, poems, bible readings (?) and smooches all to make Rachel feel less sad. This is the point in time where I’d like to remind everyone that I was duped real hard by DeMario’s witty bio and charming good looks and I picked him as my only favorite this season. WHOSE GOING TO COME AND COMFORT ME?! Never once in his bio did it allude to the fact that he was shacking up with a scrunchie-wearin street rat. I am appalled. Josiah gets rosed.

Cocktail Hour

Rachel gives a shoutout to all the guys who didn’t show up to propose to her already in a relationship and Brian the Colombian steals her away right quick. He jams his tongue down her throat and says he missed her. Then gives her a massage. Be 1 trillion times less aggressive Brian, you big creep. Suddenly DeMario shows up at the mansion and has to go through 3 tiers of security and finally Chris Harrison to get to Rachel. Chris Harrison pulls Rachel aside to tell her that speaking of today’s incident, an uninvited guest has arrived. Rachel replies “who?” America collectively rolls their eyes right out of their skulls. It’s to be continued and MAY I SAY that episode 2 of the season IS WAY TOO SOON to start f’ing with the structure of the show and moving rose ceremonies to the beginning of each episode. Get your head out of your ass, ABC.

 

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