Music, Playlist

90’s Pop Jamz

It’s been a while since I’ve forced everyone to listen to the best songs of previous decades so here we are again. This time it’s the OBVIOUS pop bangers of the 90’s and early 2000’s focusing on boy bands and girl bands who were the stuff (with the additional bada$$ bitches who were solo.)

1. Bye, Bye, Bye- N*SYNC. I mean obviously this playlist needs to start with the OG of boy bands, the pinnacle, if you will. Though difficult to pick just one N*SYNC classic, this one came with it’s own dance move and therefore has stood the test of time.

2. Oops!…I Did It Again- Britney Spears. Because back then there wasn’t a Justin without a Britney. The best kind of song is one that starts with what sounds like a car attempting and failing to start and has a break in the middle for a quick Broadway play…Aww, you shouldn’t have. No really Brit, you shouldn’t have. Mid-song talkies are the worst. But this song isn’t.

3. MMMBop- Hanson. Three young boys with floor length blonde locks sing a song that we LITERALLY will never know the words to. Seriously, WHAT ARE THEY ACTUALLY SAYING? Whatever, it’s catchy AF.

4. Waterfalls- TLC. This song is about people dying of AIDS and drug overdoses and stuff, pretty heavy, but if you use a metaphor about bodies of water to describe it, suddenly it’s a fresh song with a little sax thrown in. If you can master the Left Eye (may she rest in peace) rap in this then I absolutely need to be your friend.

5. Back Here- BBMak. It’s unfortunate that these guys came out around the same time as N*SYNC and BSB cause they pretty much didn’t stand a chance. They also had the hairstyles of a punk rock band so that was strike 2. Good news is they know how to write a killer whiny love song.

6. Genie In A Bottle- Christina Aguilera. We’ve seen a lot of Christina’s in our lifetime, Dirrty Xtina wearing assless chaps, retro Christina trying to make the 50’s cool and more recently The Voice Christina trying to be a part of the boys club. It’s important for us not to forget that she got her start being suuuuper innocent singing about getting rubbed the right way. Get it, girl!

7. When The Lights Go Out- 5ive. Damn this boy band had a little FLAVA. And I’m not just talking about how clever it was that they literally used the number 5 in their band name. I’m referring to the swagger they had in this song. SECOND VERSE, GIRL-The rapping is on point. They’re bragging about their bedroom skills and I for one couldn’t wait for them to show me what it’s all about. Not so much after this picture though…

8. No More (Baby I’ma Do Right)- 3LW. If you don’t listen to this song and immediately burst out laughing to “broken promithes, promithes” you don’t like fun things. 3LW may have had a little street cred as a girl band and telling off their deadbeat men, but THAT LISP. Also they really drive the point home in this song by repeating every word, just in case. Fun fact: I saw them open for N*SYNC and they came out in janitor jumpsuits and stripped them off mid song while dancing and it was suuuupes impressive. It obviously didn’t take a lot for me to be dazzled at that age.

9. Give Me Just One Night- 98 Degrees. We’re going to sweep it under the rug that 98 degrees tried to make a comeback with a song about blowies and really relish the good ole days where all they needed was one night (one night) with a girl. Not for nothing but this song was educational in teaching me my first Spanish words.

10. Wannabe- Spice Girls. The Spice Girls created the girl group and also taught us about Brits. I used to reenact scenes from the Spice Girl movie during recess, unfortunately everyone’s favorite was Baby and BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH BROWN HAIR I had to be Posh or Sporty. Both options suck and so did my British accent but I digress. Here’s another song where I have heard it 1000 times and still don’t know what they’re saying, but I certainly know that Bevin, Peyton Brooke and Haley did a choreographed dance to it on the roof of a house party. PS Scary Spice’s cackle is EXACTLY how she got her name.

11. The Animal Song- Savage Garden. Let’s slow it down now with two baby faces with the falsetto of angels. This song is about how they wish they were animals because then they could run around all carefree. Don’t we all wish that, Savage Garden, don’t we all. Anyway their CD (I’m pretty sure they only have one?) is the best crying soundtrack you could ever ask for. Trust me. Plus: pwetty boys.

12. S Club Party- S Club 7. Again, here we are with another classssic British band that taught me new things. For example, I learned that hoochie mamas show their nana’s at any good party. For the record, if their show was still on the air I would still be watching it because it was the shit. Unfortunately S Club 7 pretty much fell off the wagon and tried to do a comeback recently that was quite a scene. Jo no longer has the flow, let’s just say that.

13. Summergirls- LFO. LFO was the badass version of boy bands. They mused nonsense about Scooby snacks and Chinese food and we were like yes, please, Rich.

14. Candy- Mandy Moore. Again, might be hard to recall a time when Mandy was REAL blonde and singing about craving a boy like she craves candy. Suuuch a stupid song but doesn’t make it any less catchy. Love always, Mandy.

15. Liquid Dreams- O-Town. The original Making the Band kicked off reality TV AND gave us a song about wet dreams. Could we really ask for more? It concerns me to report that my sister and I spent a whole summer day on my back deck choregraphing a dance to this song and not once did my mom say hey maybe stop shimmying to a song about boner jams. It was a great dance though.

16. C’est La Vie- B*Witched. It’s pretty much a rule at this point that if you have an asterick in your band name your cool factor is top notch. These chicks are also suuuupes Irish, which pushes their cool factor through the roof. You don’t get too many pop songs that you could literally do an irish jig in the middle to some bag pipes and that’s what makes this song gr8. Plus it starts with “Some people say I look like me dad”…which doesn’t even make sense.

17. Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)- Aaron Carter. I refuse to ever make a 90’s pop playlist without my gangsta AC. Kid was like 4 ft. tall wearing oversized FUBU with white Nikes and apparently knew how to threw a kiiiickin party while his parents catch a matinee. The different characters in this song, the way he’s talking to the honey’s and breakin it down on the living room dance floor instead of being a good host, and his dad grounding him at the end…what a whirlwind of emotions in one song. Was it the party of the month? No. It was the party of the year.

18. He Loves U Not- Dream. Although I’m pretty sure I never knew anyone’s individual names in Dream, I know that I loved them. They were super sassy. I had(have) their CD and one of their songs was literally them just telling off a guy named Jordan for trying to date them all at once and thinking they wouldn’t find out. THEY FOUND OUT, JORDAN. I made my very first music video (camcorder style) to this song and it was award-winning if I do say so myself. It was supposed to be a dream sequence (get it?) then during the instrumentals we ran around and pulled the letters “D-R-E-A-M” off the wall to show we were going back to real life. Whoa. Copywritten so don’t even try to rip me off, guys.

Signature Pink Coordinates ❤

19. The Hardest Part of Breaking Up- 2Gether. These clowns were supposed to be a parody of a boy band but their mockery went over our tween idiot heads and we loved them anyway. Also they had a balding 40 year old in the group, casj. AND they rapped about math. WHAT a breakup jam this is though. These bros could get DOWN and they also would like their cat back pls.

20. I Want It That Way- Backstreet Boys. It seemed like the right thing to do to bookend this playlist with the two rivals and most popular boy bands of the 90’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I was 1000% team N*SYNC, but that never clouded my appreciation for what BSB was doing. Unfortunately a lot of the teens at this time did let it cloud their vision. My dad’s favorite thing to do (his only entertainment really) when he took us to an N*SYNC concert was to ask tweens if this was the BSB concert and just watch their dramats reactions. I would imagine it’s close to going to a 1D concert today and announcing that you can’t wait to see 5 Seconds of Summer? (1D still a touchy subject?) I don’t know. Either way this song gives me all the feels, and I DON’T WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAYYYY it doesn’t.

Music, Playlist

One Hit Wonders Playlist

Everyone who knows me also knows that I have a weird obsession with the 90’s. Their music, dramatic teen soaps and cheesetastic movies are where it’s at and I still find a way to work them into my regular conversation. So it was fitting that my next playlist be a 90’s throwback. Have you ever watched one of those VH1 specials and thought hey I love all of those songs? Well that’s pretty much how I made this playlist. I checked out all the one hit wonder alt hits of the entire decade and put this jam fest together for your ears. Some of them are multi-hit wonders but who cares; it’s a bunch of good songs that make you want to wear flannel and get grungy. Hope you enjoy! (Reading my blabfest for each song=optional of course.)

1. Semi-Charmed Life-Third Eye Blind Here’s a classic 3EB song that everyone thought was fun and upbeat and when you listen to the lyrics it’s actually about being addicted to crystal meth. NBD but HBD. Fun/Possibly Really Embarrassing Fact: I’ve seen Third Eye Blind in concert not once…but twice. I paid both times too so who’s the real sucker here? Great concert for drunken college kids who just want to get their feels out and mosh, might I add. However, the lead singer took it a little more seriously than that and had an interlude mid-jam to talk about how much he loves performing and going onstage and traveling the word. Yeah, yeah bro, you’re on a makeshift stage in front of a river and your entire crowd is 18-20 year olds who did shots before this and are all about to boot, let’s get back to Jumper now, shall we?

Best Lyric: “With a tick-tock rhythm and a bump for the drop, And then I bumped up, I took the hit I was given, Then I bumped again, and then I bumped again” YA DRUGZ. Slash pretty much all of the lyrics are the best because this song is catchy AF.

2. Freshmen-The Verve Pipe Is this song REALLY depressing? Yeah, pretty much. But it’s also the epitome of the 90’s alternative vibe and it would be criminal to not include it on this playlist. Heavy drug references and also pretty sure they’re singing about someone dying but hey…we were only freshman so no blamesies.

Best Lyric: “Stopped a baby’s breath and a shoe full of rice, no” WHAT does this mean. So mysterious and edgy with rice shoes.

3. I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)-The Proclaimers LOVE SONG OF THE CENTURY, amirite? This guy’s like hey I’m determined to be yours so I’m gonna sing about it. I can totes get down with that. Also this song had a resurgence in How I Met Your Mother–for all fans (pre-series finale from hell) you’ll recall this was the song that was stuck in Ted’s old car cassette player and sound tracked all of Ted and Marshall’s college adventures. Ah, the good ole days.

Best Lyric: “And when the money comes in for the work I do, I’ll pass almost every penny on to you.” GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY. Just kidding, the Proclaimers probably shouldn’t have offered that up so freely.

4. Barely Breathing-Duncan Sheik Duncan is heartbroken, guys. I’m suspecting he got cheated on because he’s being really dramats and saying he can barely breathe now that she’s gone. I’m fine with him being whiny about getting dumped hard though because he’s all sensitive and cute and it’s a good song for when you just need to let out your feels.

Best Lyric: “It must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born” The hipster songwriter way of saying “I wasn’t born yesterday” is sooo much cooler.

5. No Rain-Blind Melon This is a great song to make a funny voice and sing along to because this guy already kind of has a funny voice to begin with. Seriously, try it. So I guess I didn’t realize there’s like 10 lyrics that they just repeat over and over again until I looked it up. It’s kind of a cute love song though, bro just wants someone to hang out with and watch the rain and stuff.

Best Lyric: “So stay with me and I’ll have it made” D’awwwwww.

6. Counting Blue Cars-Dishwalla This song is kind of weird. But you know what, equal opportunity. I love it cause it’s a nice think about the world and religion jam. Why is a song called counting blue cars provoking me to think about religion? Well that would be due to the fact that they refer to God as a woman. Is God a woman? This little kid seems to think so. THINK ABOUT IT while you count dem cars.

Best Lyric: “We said, “Tell me all your thoughts on God, ‘Cause I would really like to meet her, and ask her why we’re who we are.” WHO ARE WE? WHO IS GOD? Deep, bruh.

7. Hold My Hand- Hootie & The Blowfish I decided to throw you for a loop and choose the not so obvious Hootie hit. Yes, I understand that Hootie technically were never one hit wonders and they hung around for a while but it’s not a 90’s alt playlist without them, so just let it happen. Plus now that Darius is 100% country, I’ll do anything to erase his remake of Wagon Wheel from my memory. 90’s Hootie doesn’t wear a cowboy hat; he literally just wants to hold my hand. I love a good handholding, especially coups style, so by all means Hootie, grab on.

Best Lyric: “Yesterday, I saw you standing there, your head was down, your eyes were red, No comb had touched your hair.” What a nice way to describe a girl’s dirty hair. He still wants to hold paws even though she clearly hasn’t showered.

8. Save Tonight- Eagle Eye Cherry The song that occupied many a graduation and goodbye mixes. It’s the official YOLO of the 90’s. You only have one night left together so live it up! Interesting fact that I learned from one of the Barstool bloggers on twitter is that Eagle Eye Cherry is legitimately the musician’s name, not a band name. I didn’t really fact check that, so don’t hold me to it. I basically just read something on Twitter and repeat it as fact on a fairly regular basis so you should all probably be concerned.

Best Lyric: “So take this wine and drink with me, and let’s delay our misery.” Wine is def the stuff for delaying misery, until you wake up the next morning with a wine hangover, which is the real pits.

9. You Get What You Give-New Radicals Such a feel good song from the New Radicals as they preach to keep on keepin on. This song is filled to the brim of AIM profile lyrics (aka I definitely at one point had “You’ll be ok, follow your heart <3” in my jujubean8731 aim prof. NO SHAME.) While they’re being totes inspirational they also find time to tell celebs that they hate how rich they are and will kick their ass in. Classic.

Best Lyric: “You’re all fakes, Run to your mansions, Come around, We’ll kick your ass in.” No really. RUN. These guys have big feet.

10. Bittersweet Symphony-The Verve This one is actually depressing AF but because it’s set to some nice classical violin beats it suddenly tricks you into thinking you like adult music and you forget that they’re singing about how life is just about getting money and dying.

Best Lyric: “But I’m a million different people from one day to the next.” Multiple Personality Disorder in a nutshell.

11. She’s So High-Tal Bachman What kind of a name is Tal? Who knows, but he must be a real catch because he wrote a whole song about how this girl is basically a goddess. If I had a quarter for every time a guy was so swept away by my beauty and grace that he wrote a song all about it, I would still not have enough quarters for a load of laundry in Boston. Seriously, you guys got any spares? Anyway, Tal thinks he’s a piece of dog shit compared to this girl and I would like to see pics because this seems a little extreme.

Best Lyric: “First class and fancy free, She’s high society.” It’s no secret how much I love the term fancy-free and he rhymed it with high society. WHAT a guy.

12. Two Princes-Spin Doctors This is hands down the original Rude! by Magic. Except guess what? It’s been 10+ years since it came out and I don’t want to pull my hair out of my head when I hear it. I welcome this song, whereas after one month of Rude being on the radio I wanted to stomp on over to wherever Magic was probably meditating near incense and tell him to shut the hell up. Anyway, the Spin Doctors were like hey we’re kind of just regular guys and your dad will probably hate us but I’ve got bedroom skills and I’ll love you like nobody’s biz. Yes, please.

Best Lyric: “You marry him, your father will condone you (How ’bout that now) You marry me, your father will disown you (He’ll eat his hat, now)” Let your dad eat his hat, girl!

13. Breakfast at Tiffany’s-Deep Blue Something I can’t lie to you guys. I’ve never seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I get that it’s a classic and Audrey Hepburn, blah blah blah, I hate black and white movies. Whoops secret’s out. Even though I’ve never seen the movie, I still have enough sense to know it’s cute as shit that these guys are using it to pick up chicks. We both like Breakfast at Tiffany’s? BOOM. Let’s hang. Unfortunately it doesn’t work out for the best, but hey they tried.

Best Lyric: “You’ll say the world has come between us, Our lives have come between us, Still I know you just don’t care.” So dramatic. The WORLD has come between us. Settle down and watch the movie with him.

14. Steal My Sunshine-Len Here’s another one of those, hey this song is kind of quirky and ohhh wait it’s about doing drugs. Got it. Just kidding I really don’t, I just think it’s catchy. I will never ever know the lyrics to it and I’m kind of ok with it because they’re suuuuper weird. At least this chick can still spell “later” while she’s high. Don’t ever try to steal someone’s sunshine (CODE: DRUGS) though because I’m guessing that shit would get real dicey.

Best Lyric: “My sticky paws were in to making straws out of big fat slurpy treats.” HAHA sticky paws.

15. How Bizarre-OMC I mean the title of this song pretty much sums it up best. It’s real bizarre and I can only assume as a pure and innocent girl that it’s also about drugs as was clearly the trend here. Please let me know if you have some insight. Either way it’s a head bopper and I’m pretty sure it was in the award-winning flick The Parent Trap camping scene so that just makes it more esteemed.

Best Lyric: “Elephants and acrobats, Lions next monkey, Pele speaks righteous, Sister Seena says funk.” Um. Drugs, right?

16. Fly-Sugar Ray. Again, Sugar Ray definitely had more than one hit, but Mark McGrath just had a big death hoax so we’re going to cut him a break here as he comes back from the dead. Sugar Ray was so 90’s it hurts. Mark and that soul patch did things for a lot of ladies. He was also clearly pretty cocky if he thought statues crumbled for him but whatevs.

Best Lyric: “Love can make you hostage wanna do it again.” SO romantic. Hostages.

17. If You Could Only See-Tonic This is a real angsty song that I included for those days when you just want to whine it out. This guy is wah-wahing about how much this girl loves him and justifying why he’s being with her or something. He obviously never recovered/pulled it together because we basically never heard from Tonic again but this is a nice slow jam for your dramatic times alone.

Best Lyric: “Seems the road less traveled, Show’s happiness unraveled, And you got to take a little dirt, To keep what you love.” YEAH. Be a man and rub some dirt in it.

18. The Impression That I Get- Mighty, Mighty Bosstones What a zesty song. Yes I used the word zesty and I wasn’t referring to salad dressing. I was referring to a couple of guys wearing suits and ripping on the sax. Also mad props for a cool band name. Too bad they didn’t get anywhere with it. This song is about never knocking on wood so I guess these two zoot suits have been pretty darn lucky or something.

Best Lyric: “Have you ever been close to tragedy? Or been close to folks who have? Have you ever felt the pain so powerful, so heavy you collapse?” Starting off the song with 21 questions, interesting style here.

19. Closing Time-Semisonic Ah, the classic GET THE HELL OUTTA THE BAR song. Except what’s even worse is that they used to play this at our middle school dances to tell us to get outta the gym. Um, we don’t need any prompting there, guys, we have a strict curfew and our moms are waiting in the parking lot to pick us up. Anyway, another mix-up, this song was actually written about the lead singer having kids and how much his life was going to BLOW once they popped out. Kind of gives you a little perspective, huh? Take someone home from the bar STAT or you’ll waste your fun years and have to go home to your kids and wife instead so HA.

Best Lyric: “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” I mean obviously. Like yearbook quote of the century. Mind blown.

20. Tubthumping-Chumbawamba Obviously couldn’t end the mix on a downer. This song is REAL weird but that’s what makes it so great. These Swedes are singing about drinking and Danny boy and who knows what else. You know what I learned though? It’s a great song to put on when you’re dragging while getting ready to hit the town and need to be re-energized. Cause you’ll get up again and you won’t want to be kept down. TIME TO RAGE.

Best Lyric: “Pissing the night away”-Totally a phrase that foreigners sound classy saying but ‘Muricans just sound like trash monsters.

Music, Playlist

#TBT- High School Dance Playlist

I’d like to bring us all back to a magical time when the girls were taller than the boys, the hip hop was full of dirty references that sailed over our heads and grinding at a school dance was prohibited, but we did it anyway. Ah yes, the fast and loose days of middle school/high school dances, where boys become squeakier awkward boys who are unsure of hand placement and girls become rap video hoes. Here’s a playlist of the best high school dance jams of the mid-2000’s that we can now listen to while we drink alcohol, legally.

DISCLAIMER: NSFW, Includes inapprops songs & lyrics

Fun fact: My high school made national news for our “lewd and suggestive dancing” AKA grinding while I was there and it got to the point where they distributed bracelets at dances and after three strikes of getting caught writhing your bodies together, bracelets were snipped and teens were tossed. Keep that in mind as you listen to this playlist. (Also fellow FM’ers relive the article here.)

1. Golddigger-Kanye West Ft. Jamie Foxx. Hey remember when Kanye was young and unknown and had that cute little chubby face and adorbs smile? WHUT HAPPENED. This song is a classic hate on yo bitches song. She pops out a few kids and now she’s getting a weekly check from her baby daddy? UH UH, HONEY.

Best Lyric: She was supposed to buy your shorty TYCO with your money
She went to the doctor got lypo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money (MAY HE R.I.P)
Should’ve got that insured got GEICO for your money, money, money

2. Shake Ya Tailfeather-Nelly Ft. Murphy Lee & P. Diddy. The only time I would hear cop sirens at a dance is when this beat started spinning. Nelly and the Bad Boyz told me to shake my ass around in a nice bird comparison and suddenly it was classy and cool instead of inapprops. When they rapped about collecting so much grass Popo thinking they mow lawns, I actually thought they were in the landscaping biz. I wisened up around sophomore year.

Best Lyric: Is that your ass or your momma have reindeer? I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

3. Promiscuous- Nelly Furtado Ft. Timbaland. No shame, this song is still 100% my jam. My gurl Nelly going from singing folk songs about being like a bird to telling Timbaland to listen up if he wants to get laid and I respect the hell outta her hustle.

Best Lyric: I’m out of this world come with me to my planet. Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it? No Nelly, no I cannot.

4. Lean Back- Fat Joe. JOE CRACK THE DON UH. This song was one of the first that created a dance that white chicks looked real stupid doing. Please picture a group of 12 year olds standing in a circle wearing the same ribbed tanks and flared jeans all simultaneously leaning back. That’s hood right there.

Best Lyric: Listen we don’t pay admission, And bouncers don’t check us, And we walk around the metal detectors. And there really ain’t no need for a VIP section in the middle of the dance floor, Reckless, check it, said it?! That’s totally how me and my bitches would roll at the dances too, VIP for days.

5. London Bridge (Oh Shit)- Fergie. Fergie Ferg split from the Black Eyed Peas and set out to show everyone she’s still a baddddd bitchhh. She has a real knack for taking a precious children’s song and making it into a slutty anthem about dropping dem drawers. Confession time, I went to a Black Eyed Peas concert (free tix) at the same time that Fergz released this song and saw her perform it live and writhe around on stage and it was SO WORTH IT.

Best Lyric: That Grey Goose got your girl feelin loose. Now Im wishin that I didn’t wear these shoes. Story of my life, amirite ladies?

6. Mesmerize- Ja Rule Ft. Ashanti. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I would like to live in a world where Ja & Ashanti still churn out back to back fire hip-hop jams with disgusting sexual innuendos. These two were a dynamic duo and unfortunately Ja Rule had to go and get himself locked up and that pretty much ceased all MTV hip hop jams. I understand that this is more of a slow jam, but I could not in good conscience make a throwback mix without these two musical geniuses. I mean, they recreated Grease for their music video…THAT body suit.

Best Lyric: Now you street promotin the dick game is potent Cause in the bed a n**** go hard like Jordan. Ja certainly didn’t have confidence issues in the bedroom. Runner Up: I’ve got a fetish for f****ing you with your skirt on. Yes.

7. Tipsy- J-Kwon. I sincerely apologize that this isn’t the version that starts out with our boy J-Kwon lecturing that teen drinking is very bad before he declares he has a fake ID though. What a BAMF. Was this the song that started the phase of saying Errebody instead of Everybody? I hope so. Do I still use it every once and a while? Yes I do. Sue me. This is the first song (but certainly not the last) I added to this playlist where I read the lyrics and was shocked at how disgusting they were because I clearly didn’t know them in middle school.

Best Lyric: Dude I don’t care I’m a P.I.M.P. Seriously another thing I still say. I think the moral of the story here is that I need new material.

8. Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani. Punk rock girl goes rapper/badass?! Sign me up. It married my love for emo punk music and my love for spelling the word bananas. I distinctly remember this song being released before the 8^th grade trip to Cleveland and the few lucky ones that had the very first iPod loaded that shit up for the bus ride there. There was a lot of headphone sharing and lapsitting (13 year old hormones) and they probably also played it on our shitty 8^th grade dance cruise on some body of water in Ohio. What a killer trip.

Best Lyric: OBVIOUSLY Let me hear you say this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

9. Milkshake-Kelis. Ah the best kind of hip-hop song is about food with sexual meanings. I grew up thinking a milkshake was a nice cold beverage usually with chocolate flavor. Kelis stomped that out of my brain real quick with this song. Milkshake is now the goods, and it BRINGS DEM BOYZ. My mom recently got this song title during Christmas game night as a song that she had to hum and get us to guess…there was drinking involved and she just kept shouting GIRLS ALL AROUND to the tune of Milkshake and no one guessed it. Apparently we have very different memories of this song. Regardless my point being that even moms can get down with this sick beat.

Best Lyric: La la-la la la, Warm it up. Lala-lalala, The boys are waiting (Not a lot of substance here, Kelis.)

10. Hey Ya-Outkast. Ah another cool song that created a movement of white girls trying to learn a music video dance move. The “Shake it like a Polaroid picture” spastic motion. It was COOL, guys. No but actually Outkast WAS awesome. They could sing the stupidest lyrics and it would be legit. (Ex: Roses really smell like poo.) Anyway they made talking in a song sound smooth even though I hate it in every other song. I’ve never wanted to lend sugar to my neighbor more.

Best Lyric: Don’t want to meet your momma, just want to make you cum-a. Seriously, moms and cumming in the same sentence, Bravo sir, Bravo.

11. Yeah!- Usher Ft. Lil Jon & Ludacris. This song was a straight up dance staple. I think they played it at every dance I went to from 7^th grade to 12^th grade and if they ever play it in a bar I’m in it’s a surefire way to get me to do the Q-tip. Just kidding, I dance better than that. Sort of. I’m pretty proud of this song because it was the first one where I memorized an entire rapper’s cameo word for word. Luda was my boy and mostly because he rapped slow enough and enunciated so that I could keep up. He was the Drake while Drake was still Jimmy in a wheelchair at Degrassi High. That said, his entire verse in this song is still the best thing I’ve ever heard. He wins best lyric, but if I have to pick just one…

Best (Most repeatable) Lyric: We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Life goals.

12. We Be Burnin- Sean Paul. Mostly put this on so that I can remind everyone of this Jamaican accented man who put out the same song over and over and everyone still loved it so hard. He also referred to himself as Sean dah Paul. Not sure why. I learned a lot while looking through these lyrics, mostly that Sean dah Paul did not speak a lick of English. I pulled the one lyric that made the most sense to me…and that’s saying a lot.

Best Lyric: Cause the girls we be poking have to smoking. Note: Sean ain’t gonna poke ya unless you smoke, LADieZZ.

13. Overnight Celebrity-Twista. You know how Jason DeRulo claimed that he could make me famous on Instagram last year in “Wiggle”? I hate to break it to ya Jason, but Twista was the original talent scout. He didn’t have Instagram yet, but he could put you on the Soul Train Awards. Boom Roasted. Game over with me ever trying to rap along with this song. Seriously I think Twista is the fastest rapper ever. So much street cred though. Bonus points for the chick who sounds like a pterodactyl climaxing mid-song.

Best Lyric: Girl I see you, in them apple bottom jeans, Chinchilla on your back, I wanna know your name. YES. Apple. Bottom. Jeans. Wait Chinchilla? Ew.

14. Get Low- Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz. You always know it’s going to be a legit song when you’re dealing with Boyz with a Z. This song came on and all the horny and dirty little teenagers rubbed their hands together and got ready to scream “TIL THE SWEAT DRIPS DOWN MY BALLS” at the top of their lungs when the pre-approved Melvin of a DJ inevitably played the clean, over-edited version. I’m pretty sure the principal threatened to cut the song completely one night because we wouldn’t stop screaming about sweaty balls and skeet skeeting. I thank Lil Jon every day for that. I’m pretty sure this is where Jersey turnpiking also started.

Best Lyric: Lil Jon and the East side boys wit me and we all like to see ass and titties. Classic T&A. Also if we’re being honest this whole song is a best lyric. WHO comes up with that chorus?!

15. 1,2 Step-Ciara. Luckily for me I have a friend named Sierra and this song has NEVER died out. If your friendship blossoms around a time when your friend’s name is in a cool song that’s something you milk for the rest of their life. I don’t think she once entered a room in middle school without someone singing, “The Princess is here—–CIIIARRRRRAAAA.” Not a bad greeting, if you ask me. Missy Elliott may have helped out on this song but Ciara handled herself pretty well for a fresh chick to the scene. Also I just noticed this is probably the cleanest song on this playlist. You’re welcome, Adults.

Best Lyric: I eat fillet mignon, And I’m nice and young, Best believe I’m number one. Anyone who rhymes Filet Mignon wins all the awards. I miss Missy.

16. Hot in Herre- Nelly. NELLY and his DAMN piece of tape/bandaid under his eye. What a goon. I’m pretty sure most girls would dance to this by actually stripping off their zip up hoodie, so parents please feel comforted in the fact that your young daughters learned how to strip before they learned how to drive. It’s Nelly’s fault really. He condoned taking your clothes off when the temps rise. And boy did those gyms get WARM. (Side note: I had a real moral dilemma choosing between this song and Flap Your Wings because it was equally as defining a moment when Nelly taught us how to drop down and get our eagle on.)

Best Lyric: So take it off like your home alone, You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone, Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend, like “girl I think my butt gettin big” (To be clear I’ve never stared at myself naked while I’m on the phone with my friends.)

17. Lady Marmalade- Christina Aguilera, Pink, Mya, Lil Kim. Here’s the long overdue lady jam of the playlist. A bunch of divas get together and sing about getting banged in French, Moulin Rouge, style. Apparently they all hated each other but I don’t care because they tolerated each other long enough to make this song that I can wail along to with my Xtina hands in full motion. Also this is another great song that taught young girls how to act like prostitutes. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch though, adults because let’s all remember that today’s youth is listening to Nicki Minaj rap about her ladybits innaprops style while shaking her butthole on MTV. Jus sayin. We were golden compared to that.

Best Lyric: We drink wine with diamonds in the glass by the case the meaning of expensive taste. YEAH girls who get mistaken for whores drinking WINE=CLASSY.

18. In Da Club- 50 Cent. TECHNICALLY Candy Shop was more the time period of school dances for me, but In Da Club is 5000x better and will always be a classic, hope you’re cool with me picking it instead of licking 50’s lollipop. 50 Cent came out of no where and all anyone knew about him was that he got shot 9 times. What an air of mystery he had. This music video consists of him doing sit-ups upside down and bullet wounds or not, bro’s got like an 18-pack. Anyway, this one glorious song opened the door for dorky dads to say “Go shorty, it’s your birthday” for the rest of time.

Best Lyric: Been hit wit a few shells but I don’t walk wit a limp.- A few? NINE.

19. Don’t Cha- Pussycat Dolls Ft. Busta Rhymes. Ah, I bet you thought you would snake on through this playlist without PCD, but I HAD to. Yeah they’re a bunch of glorified strippers who were put together as a girl group with one actual talented singer, but THEY WERE THE VOICES OF OUR GENERATION. Just kidding. They popped out good dance jams and were obviously feminists. (Ex: Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?) True life, I never wanted anything more than I wanted a PCD hoodie with the cool words written over the top of the hood.

Best Lyric: Tryna put it on me till my balls black an blueish. Hey Busta, let’s cool it with the visuals for a second.

20. My Love- Justin Timberlake Ft. T.I. AHHHHHHH JT

Best Lyric: (Trust me) You don’t really wanna let the chance go by ’cause you ain’t been seen wit a man so fly. TRUTH. Who turns down JT? There is no flyer man.

Whether you listen to this playlist while you’re boozin or running, never forget that you once gyrated to each song in a dark gym or cafeteria with lame streamers hanging from the walls and the smell of sweaty teens wafting through the air. You’re welcome.

Music

TBT- Best of One Tree Hill Mix

Since it’s Thursday I thought it would be an approps time to throw it back to the years when I pretended that I lived in Tree Hill, North Carolina and was friends with a bunch of cool kids who got married, started clothing labels, became touring singers and had babies in high school. Obviously this show was the most realistic it could have been and that’s why it holds a special place in my heart and I hope many* of yours too. (*could be an exaggeration) There’s no better way to share my love for One Tree Hill than through a mix tape of the best songs from seasons 1-9 and obviously I’ve accompanied each song with commentary and back story so that you can relive all of the drama and all of the feels. I realize that this was really Peyton of me to make a mixtape and I can assure you that while there may be some downers on this mix, I tried to keep them at minimum.

When The Stars Go Blue-Haley James & Chris Keller (OR Bethany Joy Lenz & Tyler Hilton). I hate to start you off with the song that sparked the ALMOST Naley annulment but we needed to address the tough stuff right away. These two sound fab togets but obv Chris couldn’t keep his hands home and had to go and ruin everything for half of the series…glad he was able to make his triumphant comeback in Season 9 though, no hard feelsies.
Non-Believer-La Rocca. Let me just preface this by saying that I started out making this with every intention of keeping the songs in order so you could properly relive their story, but it just didn’t flow the way it should have. So we’re going to do some jumping around. This was one of those supes dramats songs that Peyton was all “music heals everything and makes it better”. I’m pretty sure she whipped this one out when Hayles was casj in a coma while 8 months preggo after Nathan sacrificed her for some point shavinz. It’s included because it’s actually a rare upbeat choice from Ms. Sawyer…the rest made me want to slit my wrists.
The Funeral-Band of Horses. This jam is off one of the offish. soundtracks that I actually bought in CD form back in the day when people purchased CD’s, so you know it’s an OTH classic. It can have some downer tones, but I tried my hardest to only have a couple depressing songs on this mix and try to keep it surprisingly upbeat for a show that had casj school shootings/murders and pro athletes in wheelchairs with mullets. I’m pretty sure the funeral was used a couple different times, no doubt over some dramats scenes with Lucas quoting a book.
Let Me Fall-Bethany Joy Lenz. This one is added SOLELY for some lawlerskate times. Remember back in the day when Limewire was the way to get music, right around the time of AIM? Yeah I wanted this song but since she never recorded it officially, my only option was directly from the show. So TBT to this episode, you’ll know EXACTLY what’s going on because each person blabs during Haley’s performance…like have a little respect guys, it’s her first time singing in public and she’s being a baby bitch about it. Enjoy.
World Spins Madly On-The Weepies. Another sadsie. But I just made you laugh so it’s ok…I planned that, obv. This one plays after Peyton finds Ellie dead, which is a real buzzkill considering the episode it happens in was a fire flames one. Basically everyone gets back together during the storm and bangs and then Peyton goes and ruins everything by having her birth mom die and bringing her their mixtape that they made togets. Damn you, Peyton.
Halo-Haley James Scott. (Not Kidding that’s exactly how they wrote it on the CD.) OTH got real savvy with their mixes that they released every season and this one was the actual mixtape that Peyton produced with previously mentioned dead mom, further blurring reality and TV, which obviously just made me feel like I was actually a part of Tree Hill more than is normal. But this is by FAR Hale’s best jam. Even Nathan was like k cool this is good let’s stay married. He didn’t want to be hitched to a one-hit wonder probably.
Someday-Bryan Greenberg. Such an underrated character/storyline. Jake & Peyton were a whiny/we have adult problems at 16 match made in heaven. And of course she was like btw I dream about Lucas and probably love him or something. I still don’t understand how she could make that declaration AFTER he performed this song for her live, confessing his love. Also legit great song, I actually wish he was a musician more than an actor.
Babe I’m Gonna Leave You-Led Zeppelin. This is an actual hardcore throwback. Back to the days when Den had a mullet and was in a band called Zipper. (WOOF). This is a generally good song, but I also cannot listen to it without thinking of Nathan, Rachel & Cooper being immersed in the river with Haley in her wedding dress wailing at the top of the bridge. AND THEN THE CRACKER JACK BRACELET SURFACES IN THE WATER. At that point in time, I DIDN’T KNOW IF NATHAN WOULD MAKE IT. Okay, I need to stop…too many feels. Classic rock magic.
Feel This-Bethany Joy Galeotti Ft. Enation. Ok now we’re in the days where Jamie is a cutie little bear & not an actual large bear with braces, obviously we’re doing our best not to mention Jimmy Jam because he should’ve stayed a baby forever instead of ruining the series. Hales is all, I wanna be a mom and a teacher and also a pop star. And Nathan’s all go for your dreams because I can walk now and I will be a pro athlete again and pretend I never had a mullet or paralysis. So she starts recording again, a little weirder stuff, but still ok. Everything after this should be forgotten because that’s when she starts singing about spaceships or something. This should’ve been her retirement song.
No Good-Kate Voegele. Speaking of Hales going pop star, Kate (or Mia in the show) was the one who gave her the inspiration. The weirdo with a hoodie in a band with gangstah Kevin Federline. Since the show basically brought her fame, every single song she recorded was also featured on OTH. I chose this one because it’s a good FU song for when you’re feeling feisty. Mia performed it for the first time and was being a pussybitch about it but then saw that wigga KFed was there and decided to deliver him a cold serving of I’m onstage and you’re not. YOU’RE NO GOOD KFAT.
Wedding Dress-Matt Nathanson. Hey remember when they teased at Peyton dying a bunch of times before deciding the best way to write her out would be to just have her drive away? Kewl guys. This was death scare number 2 in season 6. Her and Lucas FINALLY got married and they’re being all adorbsies when ALL OF THE SUDDEN Peyton starts bleeding out all over her wedding gown. Always with the dramatics, Peyton. She died for just enough time for everyone to cry about it. Then lived and had a healthy 2 year old baby. Pretty realistic.
Within You-Ray LaMontagne. Sad song again. It’s been a while though so I thought it was time. This was played a couple times that were boo-hootastic. First was when Brooke dumps Lucas after the grand Naley wedding/drownfest. She was so mature and was like hey by the way peace out because you can’t keep your eyes or your mouth off my BFF. It was kind of sad but more so annoying. Who cheats on Brooke? Honestly. Second time was when they had graduated and they all left their lame HS house party to play basketball at the river court and deface public property with graffiti. Jk. This was actually kind of sad because it was HIGH SCHOOL graduation and one of them was already going home early to check on her fresh baby. “We’ll always be friends, I know it. In four years we’ll be back here together.”-Brooke (or the writers, guaranteeing a 5^th season).
Whiskey-Jana Kramer. I can’t believe I made you wait this long for our fave little cutter-slut Alex Dupre. This was when she decided to be a good person and show everyone she’s also a country singer. She performed this at Tric in a sparkly mini skirt and won Tree Hill’s hearts back. What a gem she was.
Half Moon-Blind Pilot. This was played in the series finale when they were flashing back to the HS days and reflecting on their choices. They were SO old and wise by the end of the series…oh wait they were all roughly OUR AGE and married with kids. Crushing young adult life.
Almost Everything-Wakey!Wakey!. Another band that OTH incorporated into the show and then played every one of their songs. I don’t hate it. In fact I had quite the difficult time picking the right one for this mix because I really dig them all. So this band was Grubbs the bartender in the show who miraculously had singing talent and would only record if he could also bang the British record lady. ADORBZ. Most of his songs were played in the season 7 finale when Haley is just peeking out of her creepy depression after her mom died. Not to be insensitive, but she set her piano on fire…So this song is happy because she’s like trying to smile and not drown herself and they’re all in Utah having some happy snow times.
The Good Kind-The Wreckers. Here we are throwing it back again to season 2 when Haley chooses music over Nathan (sob) and tours with The Wreckers. Also always thought it was random nation that Michelle Branch was popping up in epis of OTH. Haley fangirls all over them and they’re like Haley you’re actually so talented and she’s like really? Ok I’ll leave my husband and tour with you guys then! And they’re like we didn’t offer. JK they did. Whatevs. #StillBitter.
I Want Something That I Want-Grace Potter & Bethany Joy Galeotti. When Haley first starts thinking about music again post-Jamie and Nathan’s dead legs miraculous recovery, she’s like I don’t even know if I’m good anymore wah wah I miss singing for fun. And so she randomly shows up at a park and starts singing with this street performer broad. And they start playing the same song and harmonizing as if they’ve practiced or something. And that’s how Haley James Scott got her groove back.
Loaded Gun-Tyler Hilton. There’s a million Chris Keller songs to pick from but I wanted music from the funny/dum dum Chris Keller that we actually liked from the last season rather than homewrecker/douchebag Chris Keller from the first 3 seasons. He rocks this one out at Tric when he’s trying to impress a label exec and stick it to her. This is before he saves Nathan from Russian ‘nappers. What a bossman.
Us Against The World-Coldplay. Whoops last sappy song I promise. This is the song they play when Dan dies and has a fake(? Still unsure about that one) conversation with Nathan at the river court and they forgive each other and it gets really dusty in the room and a piece gets stuck in my eye and it starts to maybe water a little bit. Then Keith comes back and picks up Danny and they carpool to heaven (Keith gives Dan a guest pass I’m assuming). So like yeah, it’s sad and stuff but when you think about how weird it was it’s not too bad. Also he was a murderer so let’s not casj let that one slide by.
Solder-Gavin DeGraw. I could’ve easily taken the cheap route and put the theme song last but honestly I know you’ve heard it 70000 times and we can all agree that season 7’s hipster variations of it each episode essentially ruined it for me. So I chose this one because it was in the series finale when Gavs came back for a Tric appearance and Haley sounded like a circus announcer (never forget). It’s a sweet song & I wanted to end this debauchery down memory lane on a sweet note, so there you have it.

There is only one Tree Hill, & it’s your home.

it’s fictional.

Even though it’s fictional DOES not mean it didn’t give us lots of feels, which is why I’m not ashamed to have given you this mix. Play it on repeat, always……………………….and forever.

Music, Pop Culture, Television

AMA’s Recap

WHY in the history of music awards shows the top picks for hosts are LL Cool J and Pitbull is easily the greatest mystery of the world. It’s no secret that my hate for Pitbull/Mr. Worldwide/ Mr. 305 is to the moon and back so I’m going to try my best to ignore his antics and focus on the other parts of the show. (Key word here is try…I make no promises).

The opening performance of the night is our very own Ms. Taylor Swift performing Blank Space for the first time live. You all probably think I’m going to bow down to whatever she does but I’m mature enough to admit that this performance was all sorts of wrong. It was essentially a live action version of the music video and it was way too much. The sound sucked and Taylor felt the need to out-crazy the video version of herself and it was just plain scary. There were special fx flames left and right and guys being poisoned by apples and I didn’t know where to look. Her over-acted expressive crazy eyes were all over the place and it was pretty terrifying. She ended the performance with a smirk and a new man coming through a prop door with roses. Way to stick the landing but certainly not her best performance.

Remember how I said that I wasn’t going to focus on Mr. 305? I lied. Sue me. Dale. Pitbull took his hosting time to remind us all that he is in fact Cuban/Latino and essentially turned the awards into a bilingual broadcast. He declared that when he speaks Spanish the ratings go up, which is interesting because nothing made me want to turn off my TV more. After every commercial break we were promptly reminded that he speak Spanish, he also educated us all on what an Instagram filter is. It’s a good thing he was around because the Awards clearly could not have functioned without him. We were also blessed with a performance from him and this included his latest song Fireball which has singlehandedly ruined my favorite drink. Thanks for nothing, Pitbull.

Best Moments:

-One Direction won a bunch of awards and group hugged every time and we all got to hear them say “massive, massive thank you” in their cutesicle accents. Their performance took place in a grassy field and there was lots of tingly eye contact with the camera.

-Ariana Grande performed a stripped down medley like a classy cabaret singer in a black lace dress.

-Selena Gomez performs “The Heart Wants What It Wants” for the first time and gives us all the feels. She looked amazing in a long champagne colored gown with her hair down in waves, the backdrop was super moody and got a little distracting at times (chunky crying mascara eyes). Her pre-song blabbering was part of the performance unfortunately, but there was a part where some realistic wings came into play and I actually thought she might fly off the stage. Was really banking on a buildup to a sob sesh at the end but her grand finale was just some wet eyes. BOOOOOO. Don’t worry though because Taylor supplied them in full. Girl was a one woman broadway act last night. I usually cherish her audience cam moments for some awkward dancing but tonight was over the top.

-Speaking of Taylor stealing the show, she was awarded the first ever Dick Clark Award of Excellence, presented by Diana Ross who needed to be reminded that women don’t cover their face in blush anymore. We get to see a highlight reel of Tay’s general awesomeness and then she gets up to accept the award and kisses everyone in her posse (noticeably absent: Lena Dunham). Tay slobbers all over Diana Ross and how great she is and then talks directly to me when she thanks her fans for buying CD’s still. You’re welcome, T.

-The “Bang Bang” performance was pretty great and it’s a summer song that I can still get down with. Jessie J started out the song in the audience bopping around from celeb to celeb. She started with Khloe Kardashian who booty bumped her right on over to Tay’s crew, because of course. Jessie J learned quickly not to get down with Taylor Swift unless you want the spotlight ripped from your hands. Lorde tries to get in on it as well but we all shield our eyes. Then Ariana Grande takes it away onstage with a chair dance and a typical inapprops outfit & of course Nicki Minaj comes back out to play and is in her normal skanky uniform again. Joke’s over. They move back out to the audience to writhe around and it becomes clear that Nicki is above mingling with others.

Worst Moments:

-Charli XCX’s performance of “Boom Clap” which was straight out of every 90’s prom scene in the movies and quickly turned into her stripping into a latex outfit with a studded choker dancing around with some goth freaks and touching her boobs.

-Magic performs Rude, except it’s no longer summer and the song has lost it’s catchy appeal. Wyclef Jean joins them onstage and it is pretty much a stoner jam sesh. They take it to the audience and serenade a random girl who clearly doesn’t know what to do.

-Nicki Minaj performs a slower song wearing a floor length, long sleeve white gown trying to trick us all into thinking she’s an angel and not the disgusting hoe that showed us all her butthole during her Anaconda performance a mere few months ago at the VMA’s.

-Josh Duhamel introduces Fergie to perform “LA Love” and I’m reminded again how a perfect specimen like Josh married Fergalicious…and then made a kid with her. This song is offensively bad. I expected Harajuku girls to appear in the performance. It was so loud with so many colors and made my eyes hurt. At the end, Fergie strips a layer off and it gets stuck to her butt.

-JLo & Iggy’s “Booty” being the final performance of the night. Enough with the butts. So over it.

Things that made me question everything:

-Boy band Five Seconds of Summer performs a cover of What I Like About You. Is this even legal? Can a band perform a cover at an awards show like it’s karaoke night?

-During Iggy Azalea’s performance she was wearing a leotard, reenacting an 80’s exercise video and patted her vag far too many times for comfort.

-Lorde gives us a typical weirdo freak performance of her staring at the camera with dead witchy eyes and having an exorcism onstage and I was afraid. Taylor gets a lot of screen time dancing to her scary goth friend’s performance. She ends the song by smearing her black lipstick all over her face and Tay does her surprised face. I also had a surprised face at the fact that these two are friends.

-Lil Wayne has a quick performance with Christina Millian in red lingerie. Remember when she was irrelevant and the social media girl for The Voice? Christina provides some backup vocals and grinds all over Lil Wayne. Thanks for coming.

-Luke Bryan is there to present and not gyrate onstage. WHO SANCTIONED THIS? He also won an award and had lipstick on because he made out with his hot wife and stuck a dagger in my heart.

-Katy Perry wins an award and a Katy Perry robot, much like a hologram, accepts on her behalf via recording. If the robot ran out of battery and died mid-thank you I think it would’ve been less awkward than what actually happened.

-McDreamy being the first person to present an award. Was he lost? I’m confused.

-Iggy Azalea accepts an award wearing a frumpy business suit that I would expect a middle aged woman to wear with a pair of white sensible walking sneaks on the way to her cubicle for the day. She also had a huge crimped ponytail to sweeten the outfit.

-Garth Brooks with a satellite performance? Could this be more out of place?

-Every commercial break, Kohl’s had an extensive ad featuring children scream-singing Let It Go and I wished harmful things upon everyone involved in the making of this commercial and also Frozen.

-It is mind bottling that everyone is OBSESSED over scrutinizing the Harry Styles/Taylor Swift relationship or hatefest and yet there wasn’t ONE camera glance of either of their reactions to the other winning or performing. Do the producers of the AMA’s know what makes good TV? The answer is a hard no…because they chose Pitbull to host 2 years in a row.

Final thoughts- If you follow me on twitter (and you should) you know that for the past year or so I’ve been live tweeting every awards show regardless of how awesomely bad it is…exhibit A. This started about a year ago when my friend and I decided that our opinions were hilarious and important and vital to every awards show. Apparently our tradition has gotten a little out of hand because here is last night’s commentary from each of us without us being remotely anywhere near each other. We’ve morphed into one twitter awards show monster and you all should be frightened.

(click to enlarge)

Follow @LindseyReilly for all of your award show needs and all other things hilarious, cause she’s awesome. We will be tag teaming all awards season this year so please mentally prepare yourselves for those judgements to come.

Performances (that I could find):

Nashville, Television

Nashville Recap-“I’m Coming Home To You”

Welcome back, Nashies. Remember how they promoted the fake CMA’s tirelessly? Yeah we get another week of that apparently…they’re really milking this. Thanks for the tease, ABC. This episode starts out with a 2 months later time stamp. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that they did this JUST so they could show an actually IRL (in real life) pregnant Juliette Barnes/Hayden Panettiere and stop assuming their viewers are a bunch of dum dums who think she’s just gained some face weight. On the subject of Juliette, her and Avery have transitioned from hating each other to a bickering dysfunctional couple preparing for a baby. It seems each week we’re going to start with Avery delivering zingers to Juliette and slowly warming up to her by the end of the episode. (Until they’re inevitably back together, just in time for baby’s arrival). This week’s installment started with Juliette reminding Avery that they had sex to make this baby and him replying, “Well all we’re having now is a baby” in front of the super uncomfy doctor. Burn baby burn. But then slowly but surely Avery bought the top of the line crib (this baby will be a superstar after all) and agreed to lamaze classes at the end and–cue cliche baby moment– feels the baby kick. Also the Nashville twitter account took it upon themselves to refer to Nashville’s future Blue Ivy as “Javery’s” baby and I vomited all over the place. WHEN WILL IT END?!

Speaking of puke, in two months time, Gunnar, Zoey and Micah became a little domestic happy family of uncommon names, right down to father and son playing catch in the yard and stepmommy Zoey yelling out that dinner’s ready. We obviously soon learn that Zoey hates being a housewife and is still thirsty for fame, while boyfriend of the year Gunnar doesn’t think she’s mad about it because “she hasn’t complained”. It’s all in the eyes, Gunnar, all in the eyes. Micah’s actual mom wins mom of the year by immediately shoving her son off on Gunnar and Zoey in pursuit of a boyfriend. Let this be a lesson, don’t let your kids get in your way of your dreams. Quick observation: every time Gunnar hugs ANYONE, I expect to see Zoey peering out from around the corner with crazy eyes. These two (now three) have a bright future.

Another bright future coming our way is the new and improved Layla Grant. Apparently in her two month break she put down the mini bottles and decided to channel her anger into some new tunes. The debut of her quiet Bambi-like personality raised a few red flags with me that it was just a scheme but it seemed to hold up and she got out of her own way to write a decent song that everyone, including her closeted husband, was a little too surprised at. Yikes, Layla, even your friends thought you sucked. We got to see a peaceful Will and Layla for about half of the episode until they attend the premiere of their reality show “Love and Country”. Apparently dumb and dumber are the only two young people in America who don’t know how reality shows work. Reality shows are for showing excessive and unnecessary drama for ratings and this one really delivered. If it were a real show I’d totes watch it. Apparently we’re far removed enough from the Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica days to be completely copying it because they made Layla into Jessica Simpson 2.0. For the record, there was a laugh track to her trying to use a can opener (for chicken or tuna?) and I object. I know firsthand how hard can openers are to use, having broken every one I’ve ever touched and almost needing a tetanus shot last year after resorting to a butcher knife. I stand by Layla on this one. SHIT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

You know what else is impossible? Juggling the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and family bonding time. (Feel free to start giving me awards for these smooth transitions). Rayna pouts this episode that decisions are the woooorst as she chooses fame over QT. Dramatic sigh. A nosy reporter follows her around all weekend as she makes wedding plans with Luke and he finally shows some emotion–he’s horny, guys. There are about 4 instances when Luke brings it to our attention that they’ve been apart for a LOOOONGG time. Even an ode to long distance sex when he says Skype just isn’t the same. Finally Rayna gives him the sassy one-finger gesture (…the one moms give to their annoying kids to tell them to wait quietly) and Luke loses his SHIT. Uh, uh honey. He exclaims in the parking lot “WE HAVEN’T EVEN HELD HANDS!!” We get it Luke, you need to bone…stat. They probably would’ve gotten down to biz but they were sidetracked by finding their kids macking it in the dark on the couch, with reporter in tow. EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT, A-LIST INCEST. Calm down guys, Colt defends it, “we were just making out, it’s NBD.” We can clearly see why he’s so irresistible. Maddie’s obv going through a bad boy phase. Rayna sits Maddie down for an incest chat and then has to pimp out her history with Deacon to the Rolling Stone reporter just so that her twat of a daughter isn’t tabloid shamed. All is well with Ruke/Layna at the end as they slow dance and say wedding vows (this is the only time this will ever happen on the show so cherish it.)

Alright let’s wrap it up with the minor story lines of the week. The throwaways, if you will. Deacon had a cold, continued to talk about Rayna and finally kicked ole Pammy to the curb (hopefully for good). Scarlett and homeless friend with the voice of an angel, Terry, wrote music and decided to face their fears together by hitting the stage for a duet at the Bluebird obv. Also we learn that Terry’s whole family is dead, because of course. Bachelor Teddy and his frat bro buddy Jeff Fordham took a week off, probably in Vegas doing coke and banging strippers.

Things to look forward to:

-Deacon probably almost hitting the sauce again and some angry confrontations once that unauthorized tell-all hits the tabs.

-Better songs…this week we had four and they were pretty lackluster. Rayna’s straight up sucked, but she tried to distract by showing everything but nip in a sparkly dress on DWTS. Juliette’s has potential but it’s not fiery like I know she can be, Layla’s was bleh and Scarlett’s duet with Terry I could take or leave. NEED some fresh Scarlett & Gunnar tunes STAT.

-More of Nashville’s “dramatic statement+guitar riff leads to commercial break” formula. Turn it into a drinking game every time this happens, I dare you. I would’ve been hammy sammied if I drank every time it happened in last night’s epi.

-Sage. Now that we’ve seen Luke’s mystery child and I’m guessing Rayna has for the first time too –we need more. What’s Sage’s deal? Does she also make sick beats like her bad boy bro Colt?

-The implosion of Ruke/Layna at the CMA’s next week. *Insert guitar riff*

Music

Step Aside, Selena.

Immediate Reactions to the Blank Space Music Video:

First and foremost, I understand that surprise releases are all the rage now in music ever since Beyonce blew everyone’s minds and snuck a full CD with music videos but I’m super over it. It gives me anxiety when buzzworthy things happen midday and I cannot participate because my cubicle computer is open to all surrounding roaming eyes. My FOMO nightmare came true today and I dealt with it by specifically going home for lunch to watch. Obv this was a really mature and adult decision. It was in the privacy of my own home that I was able to watch the video twice, uninterrupted with no judgsies.

Next let’s address the elephant in the room. Remember how I made a wisecrack about Taylor releasing her CD before Selena’s big dramatic music video, thus upstaging her? Well it seems I can predict the future. Props to Tay for giving Selena the spotlight for a WHOLE weekend before slyly but not at all slyly snaking it back.

I was really anticipating this video (all morning long when that’s all I could think about.) Mostly because this is the number one JAM from 1989. (If you read my review you would already know this. Duhs.) So much sassiness and so much potential for a music video. Taylor straight up delivered on the psycho factor. Couldn’t be weirder. It’s everything I could have ever wanted for this song and more. Here’s the full video for your viewing and reviewing pleasure.

As a film major in college (LOLZ) and a fellow music video director (double LOLZ) I can tell you that in my professional opinion this is top quality stuff. Shot like a film in a mansion fit for a Kennedy (wink) it looked great and so did Tay with her 500 outfit changes. You’re obviously wondering, what looks were her best? Lucky for you I screenshot every outfit of the video just for this very moment. I know, I know, I’m so kind. Let’s do it to it.

BOMB outfits:

STRONG start with Lingerie Tay holding Olivia Benson (for a touch of innocence). Cleavage+Cat=PG13. That is, until Olivia is replaced by a knife for cray cray Tay.

Full lace gown descending a grand staircase. Badass princess moment.

Ballroom dancing in the sparkliest of gowns. Just a regular Friday night for T. This is just what she wears from the gym.

Is this the Oscars or a music video? But seriously.

50’s Tay getting after some champagne and candy.

Taylor brings Jersey Shore to the mansion with dubs leps. Couldn’t love it more.

White Crop combo for her ode to Tiger Woods. Legs.

She borrowed this witchy black number from Lorde.

Cat eye on point.

Little white dress for burning and throwing your boyfriends clothes. Everyone should have one.

Final look. Perfection.

Ehh Outfits:

Not crazy about the dress and hair combo in “stab my boyfriend’s rich person portrait” Taylor

Don’t get me wrong, she’s absolutely pulling.this.off. but it’s a little too much.

This is too normal of a dress for cutting boob holes in your boyf’s shirt. Blah.

Too much old lady. Not enough leopard.

This looks like it would give her a mean wedgie. Also I think Allie wore this in The Notebook.

Weird Moments:

Riding bikes around the living room. You know, cause why exercise in the private gym that is 100% in that mansion when you can ride your Huffy through the parlor.

Walking your two guard dogs with your boyfriend who is also wearing a cape. Real talk: This is my dream. Dogs and men (in capes…just kitten) Also for fear of putting up redundant pictures, this dress makes the best outfit list. Duh.

Standing on a horse. (This is less weird and more so just IMPRESSIVE) Do you think I could get away with trying that next year in downtown Saratoga? One of the cops will totes lend me his horse for Taylor reenactment via Caroline St. right? (This is an EH outfit)

Crying and writhing in the hallway next to a deer. Don’t bring Bambi into your troubles, Crazy Tay. She’s just an innocent forest creature.

This is Twilight. Amirite Twihards?

Halloween is over. Stop trying to give me nightmares.

GET IT, TAY.

Drumroll PLEASE. And the best moment of this video goes to the delivery of the best line of the song. Anyone whose listened to this song and doesn’t giggle every time she says “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” with a haughty laugh is not really enjoying life. Boom.

The ferocious grab of the head and sneering of that lyric in “Sean’s” grill piece was exactly what we all needed. Supes aggress and I didn’t hate it one bit. I’m actually surprised she didn’t follow it up with spitting in his mouth. SUCK IT, SEAN. DON’T MESS. (this outfit was also a BEST but since she was hurling her body around throwing shit at him I couldn’t get a good snap of it. Necklace game so strong.)

Honorable Mention:

This Guy ❤ Yum. Well done, gurl.

Hope you enjoyed reliving all things Blank Space. If you didn’t, pls see below.

Music, Pop Culture

Start your weekend with some DRAMA.

I’m gonna be real straightforward here and come clean. I followed Justin Bieber on Instagram roughly 4 months ago and I hate myself for it. I got caught up in the world’s fascination with Selena and Justin’s tumultuous on and off again relationship and he posted a few scandalous ‘grams and before I knew it I had hit the follow button and never turned back. I figured out of the two of them he would be more likely to make an ass of himself on social media and slip up/create drama that I could then make myself a part of (This goes back to my innate addiction to being the first person to report celeb news…which I refuse to seek treatment for) Anyway, the point of this long and embarrassing confession is that if I didn’t follow Biebs on Insta and see up close what a ridiculous clown he is, I wouldn’t have material for this blog. Selena dropped a music video and single yesterday that is essentially a diary entry about her unhealthy relationship with that punk. In case you haven’t heard/seen it yet here it is:

Girl just out-drama’ed Taylor Swift. The TEARS. The ACTING. Selena pulled out all the stops, just shy of having Biebs in the video instead of a Biebs-esque actor (with questionable facial hair) that she casj mounted for a car hookup. Perhaps she wanted to spark a little jealousy? I’m onto you Selena.

Ok be serious, guys. Let’s get to the real meat of this music video. The beginning voiceover of her stuttering and crying. If this gave you the uncomfies and you skipped over it, don’t you even worry because I’m here to give you the gist of her creepy E True Hollywood story intro to the music video. Basically the Biebs banged a bunch of randoms and made Selena feel like a garbage can. Were those her exact ugly crying words? No. HOWEVER I’m really good at reading between the lines. Trust me. After about 40 seconds of this babble it starts to sound like a drunk voicemail that she left for him. Don’t drink and dial, Sel. Drinking and tweeting is totes fine though. The actual song finally starts 48 seconds in and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I already feel emotionally drained before she even starts singing. The message of the song is that this relationship is Sucktown, USA but she’s in love, so everyone can STFU and stop judging her. The song itself isn’t bad. I kinda dig it…sue me. Like is this MJ Blige or Selena Gomez with those R&B vibez?! Jus sayin. But before you get caught up in the snaps or start to let her tears persuade you to get all emosh. Let’s refresh ourselves on who this song is about:

WHAT a CATCH.

Of course since yesterday’s release she’s already been accosted by people wanting even more juicy deets. Apparently, according to my sources, (the internet…it never lies) Justin saw the video a year ago and said it was beautiful (puke.) and Taylor Swift also got a preview, because duh, and she watched it three times in a row most likely with her surprised face and loved it. Selena probably casually told her, “Yeah I’m thinking about releasing this in November.” Taylor then immediately texted her manager, moving up the release date of 1989 to 2 weeks before Selena’s video. Shake it off, Selena, shake it off.

PS: If these two really are a “modern fairytale” as Selena chokes out in between tears, we are all SCREWED.

Enjoy your weekend 🙂

Country, Music, Television

CMA’s Recap

Awards season dry spell is over, betches. If you’re a country fan and you fully committed to the 3 hour show (I’m going to assume not many of you) you can relive the highs and lows of last night right meow. If you missed the awards, you can skim through this and have something to discuss over your cubicle wall today. (Or if you’re me, cubicle window. Yeah guys, I get a cube window. BE JELLY.)

The opening performances went from blah to better. Kenny Chesney was first with a performance straight out of 1968. I’m shocked a hologram of Jimi Hendrix didn’t appear next to him to further the gimmick. It would’ve been nice if I had gotten the memo to drop acid before he took the stage, kinda rude don’t you think, ABC? I couldn’t even tell you what song Kenny played because I was just too distracted. The country hats and cowboy boots amidst the tie dye and school bus were a liiiiiitttle out of place. No worries though, quick rebound by transferring to Miranda Lambert and Megan Trainor doing a country version of All About That Bass. Great duet but the main takeaway here was that Miranda came in HOT trying to give Carrie a run for her money in the leg game. She challenged Carrie to defend the title. AND OF COURSE Carrie did. The great Leg-off of 2014 (see below). Okay I promise you that even though I sat through every single minute of this mostly snoozefest of a show, I will not give you a minute by minute recap. Here’s the breakdown–

Best Moments:

-Carrie’s outfit changes. Edge of my seat waiting to see what was next.

-The elephant in the room. Carrie & Brad address T. Swift in their opening monologue stating that Nashville is suffering from “Postpartum Taylor Swift Disorder”. Laughs are had at the expense of Nashville being thirsty Swifties. Our girl T may not have been country for a few years but it warmed my icy heart to see that no matter what country music has her back.

-Steven Tyler is the first presenter & has a jam sesh with Carrie and Brad to “Crying”. It was staged but still pretty great. Also Steven was wearing shoes and I think we can all appreciate that. (If you want nightmares google image search Steven Tyler’s feet)

-Brett Eldredge wins New Artist of the Year and I listened to his acceptance speech with my eyes glued to the TV and a creepy grin on my face. He 100% deserves it and I’m proud of my future husband for snagging that award.

-Brad spends a few minutes of his hosting duty eating cheeseballs out of a baby carrier. Brought me back to the days of housing a full tub of cheezeballz guilt free. Ahh, college.

-Keith Urban performs “Somewhere in My Car”. He’s the stuff and so is that song.

-Little Big Town performs Day Drinking and then Ariana “Bang Bang” Grande sashays onto the stage and they all sing her song with light up dresses. Judging this against the other performances it was great, because I stayed awake for it, but I would’ve preferred them trying to mix country and pop rather than sing a country song and then a pop song. It was odd.

-Miranda debuts a sassy new bob that kills it and her and Blake proceed to snatch up all the awards with an effortless “it’s almost as if we don’t do this every year” vibe.

-The Doobie Brothers take the stage with Hillary Scott, Jennifer Nettles & Hunter Hayes and play some good ole classic rock. Jennifer Nettles spends the entire performance with her mouth open and literally can’t find her chill. Hunter Hayes was on guitar and was just grateful to be able to play with the big kids.

-Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year and we get to look at his pretty face more. Note: no hip movement whatsoever (see worst moments list)

Worst Moments:

-Is there anything worse than networks throwing two random people together to present an award and then writing compliments for them to read from the teleprompter to each other? It’s awkward and gives everyone the uncomfies. Stop doing it.

-Taylor gets a best and worst spot because she was actually nominated for female vocalist of the year and SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE. Girl, they just declared their support for you and you big-timed them? If we’re being honest I’m probably more bitter about her not showing up because her awkward crowd dancing & dramatic reactions were SORELY missed. NO ONE owns an awards show crowd like Tay.

-Florida Georgia Line wins Vocal Duo of the Year and mullet sneaks that G-D DISGUSTING VEST back in. Hey bro, it is NEVER sexy to wear a vest with no shirt underneath. If you also browsed my fashion recap you’ll see that I put FGL on the best dressed list JUST because they both put actual shirts on. Well GUESS WHAT, you two clowns are officially revoked from my best dressed list. Boom. Roasted.

-Kacey Musgraves and her goofy outfits/hair and her honky tonk barn music.

-Little Big Town winning Vocal Group of the Year and all shouting random things at once as an acceptance speech. Mic etiquette, guys, ever heard of it? Designate ONE speaker.

-Luke Bryan performs a slow song and DOES NOT shake it for me. This should be illegal. Every girl in America was disappointed Luke, just so you know.

Just For Ratings:

-Ebola.

-Renee Zellweger

-Carrie Underwood whispering the gender of her baby to Brad Paisley, setting him up to “let it slip”, and then mentioning it every five minutes. THE PAGEANTRY. THE RATINGS. It’s a BOOYYYY.

-The amount of almost vag slips. Ariana Grande wearing her typical bra and mini skirt, Kacey Musgraves cutting it too close for comfort and Ashley Monroe performing with Blake in a sequin tee, no pants. We don’t need to see it to know it’s there, girlz.

-ABC doing their best to confuse you about which CMA’s are real. The ones you’re literally watching, or the ones they’re teasing every commercial break in the Nashville promo for next week. DOES THIS MEAN RUKE/LAYNA AREN’T REALLY NOMINATED? Please advise.

If you noticed that I didn’t include many performances in my recap it’s because most of them were suuuuuper snoozeworthy. Let’s step it up next time, gang, look alive…give me a reason to stay up past my bedtime. Aaaand that’s all–go forth and spread the country music word, my friends.

Country, Music, Red Carpet, Television

CMA’s Fashion, Ya’ll!

Here’s the CMA’s post where we judge people based on what they chose to wear. If you want to judge people based on what they chose to sing, please see my second installment-the recap. Here’s the deal. I got a fevah and the only prescription is more awards shows. Once I get a taste I need it to be awards season STAT. Since this is the first of 100 country music awards shows this year (all of them having strikingly similar names), country singers will have plenty of chances for redemption if they made my worst dressed list. They’ll obviously be reading this and taking my opinions into account when picking their next show outfit.

Here are the Worst Dressed:

Hillary from Lady A. What’s the deal with the V neck suspender sitch? No other words to describe that.

Gretchen Wilson staying true to her 2004 (TWO THOUSAND FOUR, DAMN) song “Redneck Woman”.

All that’s missing is a red solo cup of Fleischmann’s. Keep it classy, gurl.

Real Talk: has Hunter EVER not looked like a 15 year old sneaking into prom?

Kacey Musgraves with Elvira hair. Nuff said. Also on the right: flashback to her craft fair boots & dress combo from Grammy’s.

People don’t forget.

Sam Hunt is the newcomer hottie to the country scene. I wish he wouldn’t have ruined that with this mariachi/pirate shirt.

Scarlett from Nashville aka Clare Bowen probably let her new homeless friend with the voice of an angel dress her.

Zoey from Nashville aka Chaley Rose trying to steal the spotlight as always. Less is more.

Ugh.

The gr8 news is there are more best dressed than worst dressed, so I’m actually T-ing down the judgements. Here’s all the singers who got it right.

Best dressed:

This is a worst/best combo if we’re being honest. Brantley is probably wearing a jewel encrusted affliction tee under that blazer. Brett OBVIOUSLY steals the show wearing a classy suit and accessorizing with his pure sexiness. It’s no caveman toga, but whatevs.

Carrie never disappoints. This one actually isn’t my favorite but she’ll have probably 100 outfit changes as host and I assume most of them will be top notch. Also, legs.

Cassadee Pope looking elegant and classy

RAYNA JAMES. TAMI TAYLOR. CONNIE BRITTON.

I mean seriously. With her hair she could wear a trash bag and win all the awards. Bow down, bitches.

They only made the best dressed because long hair (still don’t know his name) isn’t wearing a leather vest with no shirt underneath. He’s done that far too many times and I’ve had to choke back vomit.

Jana Kramer always looks gorgeous. Now if only she would stop ending every social media post with #love to shamelessly promote her latest single. That’s all I want for Christmas.

Josh Turner proving you don’t need a cowboy hat or sparkly vest/belt at the CMA’s. Yum.

Kimberly from The Band Perry. Simple and not being overshadowed by her brothers’ afros.

What I imagine Taylor Swift would’ve worn if she was still country (sigh)

You know, cause she’s got that red lip classic thing that Harry likes. JK-Lucy looks fab though.

Hey Nicole Kidman. THIS is how you wear lace. Maddie & Tae lookin’ like a couple of dimes.

Miranda going classic. If we’re being honest I preferred her performance dress, but the red carpet hair/makeup looks fresh.

Queen and King of country.

SWOOOONNN. Okay now please put on your black v neck and backwards hat and shake it.

That’s it for the red carpet roundup. Which one was your favorite look? Are you too busy drooling over those Southern men? Are you a guy and puking from that last statement? STAY TUNED FOR FULL SHOW RECAP. CAUSE WHY NOT?!

The Salty Ju

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Tag Archives: Music

90’s Pop Jamz

One Hit Wonders Playlist

#TBT- High School Dance Playlist

TBT- Best of One Tree Hill Mix

AMA’s Recap

Nashville Recap-“I’m Coming Home To You”

Step Aside, Selena.

Start your weekend with some DRAMA.

CMA’s Recap

CMA’s Fashion, Ya’ll!