In case you haven’t noticed, I took the summer off from blogging save for my thicc two-parter about my disastrous solo adventures. I clearly needed 3 months to recover. I’m sure you’ve missed me. I’ll try to make up for the lack of snark you had this summer in the first red carpet of the seaze, y’all. (Remember when last year I would stunt my red carpet-worthy look for all to oooh and ahh at before getting to the celebs? Well, I recently bought the coolest and most complimented accessory I’ve ever owned that doubles as a running bit. So here’s two videos of my wiener purse hailing straight from China via Amazon, that I have made my entire personality for the one month that I’ve owned it.)
WORST
Personal preference that I’ve definitely yapped about before but I really hate putting red and pink together. It’s like carnation heart cheapness. Red and Yellow for ketch & must on my glizzy handbag tho? Groundbreaking.
I don’t think we’re going to make suspenders happen on women in the year of our lord 2025. Dig the leopard clutch tho. And admire that she’s going for CEO’s and Corporate Ho’s here.
I get that Jenna Ortega is like an emo girl icon and now she’s becoming super fashion-y and apparently decided to surgically suck the air from her cheeks to make her look cooler, but I’m not high fashion. I wear Walmart sneakers that look like Adidas and guess what they are my most complimented sneakers. That being said, I cannot get down with wearing a sun catcher as a top. This is beyond stupid and I hope her nipples are chafing on these gems (pronounce it GEOMS like Julia Fox would want you to.)
Hate the mermaid bottom texture switch-up and especially hate the giant red flower pinned to her under-bosom. Also that’s a BOB right there. Praying Belly doesn’t go this short on Wednesday.
I love this color but the puff sleeves have GOT TO GO.
Looks kinda sloppy…and also like perhaps he went unbuttoned collar and open jacket so there was room for a red scarf?
Say it with me now, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BEETLEJUICE.
Let’s go ahead and rule out suspenders on men as well. Why does he look like such a geekburger? Could they have hemmed his pants any shorter? This is something my Grandpa would’ve worn to Thanksgiving over a much rounder belly.
Geekburger part 2. Someone give this guy a swirlie.
Not only do I find this to be incredibly unflattering on Catherine, but I’ve argued many times before, no one looks good with pretend wide fabric hips and that seems pretty obvious.
What feathery fuckery is this?!
I’m torn here because at first glance I was like stunning, classy, champagne goddess, and then my eyes drifted down the dress and I couldn’t bring myself to give this any flowers. It looks like it got caught in a paper shredder. Putting pearls at the end of these tatters was a real identity crisis. The tie on top is giving bedsheet toga too and it was the quickest way to ruin what could’ve been an elegant gown.
It ain’t no secret that I have a mediocre chest. Push-up bras have deceived many, but ultimately, I do not know what it’s like to carry around a heavy set or go deep into the alphabet to find a cup size. And Jessica’s got them THANGS. And perhaps she wants to show off her goods and that’s why she chose this dress. But I feel like there had to be a better style dress to service her yabbos. Did I talk about boobs too much here because LITERALLY I’M SO DISTRACTED. SORRY I DON’T HAVE BACK PAIN AND BARELY FILL A C CUP. THIS IS MY CROSS TO BEAR AND I’M JUST HERE TO DELIVER HOT TAKES. WEAR A GOWN WITH STRAPS NEXT TIME, JESS.
Halsey out here cosplaying as Kris Jenner.
Seth always does a velour or corduroy suit and his big booty big ole black frame glasses and I’m just over it, tbh. TAKE A RISK, MAN!
What the fahk were we going for here? Hefty bags for a bra? Because that’s what I’m lookin at.
SNOoOoOoZe. Also is it me or is there a certain age that women hit when they start rocking the shawl shoulder?
My favorite thing is when I’m like OMG TAKE A RISK to someone who always wears the same thing. And then they do and I’m like YIKES not that one! Kristen is usually a jewel tone tight gown, pin straight hair down baddie and I guess she wanted to get wild for this Emmys. Well, I hate it. The half up hair paired with this razzle dazzle X business. Yuck. In this instance, she can go back to her tried and true.
We get it, Syds, you’ve got a top notch rack.
BLAHDHDHHGHHHHHH. Not the baby pink peplum.
WOWowWOW, when you take a minute to rip your eyes away from this Fredericks of Hollywood duster nightie sitch, you are zapped right into this kool aid dye job up top. What a journey from hell.
When you realize what blowhard he plays in White Lotus, you’ll want to hate this look more. But given that actors are not their characters, clean slate on judging this incredibly silly tweed barrel leg buffoonery.
Meg Stalter makes me giggle a lot on Hacks, but whatever bit she’s probably doing here is a no for me, dawg. No jeans and a white tee on a red carpet, throw some respecc on the process.
No to suit shorts. Forever and Always. Never ever ever will I be down with this Pinocchio bullshit.
I love my girl Sutton so much (throwback to one of the greatest girliepop TV shows ever made that prob none of you saw) but this dress stinks. I don’t make the rules, I just make them.
What is the deal (Jerry Seinfeld voice) with carrying a hunk of extra fabric on your forearms? Without that swatch from JoAnn’s, I was sold on this gown.
Mocha is THE color for fall, but I just can’t get behind it for evening wear.
Never name your kid Cooper because immature kids will always rhyme it with pooper. That being said, check out Coop in a Poop suit.
I read the headlines. I know this guy has been coined “daddy”, but I’m about to deliver the hottest of takes: meh. No guy has enough swag to get away with an all-white suit and essentially white Keds. This whole look gives me the ick and I know the internet will be panting and moaning over it but NOT ME.
Oh great, another useless bow!
A Bow AND Peplum! FINISH YOUR DRINK! (Oh, I’m the only one playing a drinking game for the most tired trends we see on every red carpet ever, no matter what the year?)
BEST
Love this old glam party frock! Look at that skirt swishin’
FUN PARTY SPARKLE PANTS.
Did jumpsuits jump the shark when it became the go-to fancy event outfit for middle-aged women? Petition to bring this trend back. Sure, women have to strip naked to pee and probably also suction their entire body into Spanx to look snatched and smooth. But you wanna break it down on a dance floor? This onesie is MADE FOR THAT. I hope Cate does the worm in this later.
She’s wearing the red scarf that Jake is missing! Bright red looks stunning with Selena’s dark hair and this fit is very chic.
Great male fit change-up from the same suits and tuxes.
Honestly every time I see these two I am reminded that they are together and I love this black tie coordinated combo for them.
Yes, hunnay!!! These two look beautiful and I love that they came together and presented from the gazebo. Stars Hollow 4eva.
She will F*ck you up and look good doing it.
It’s giving Cher Horowitz in the best kind of way.
Loving the trick of the eye silhouette on this train
When you’re Jude Law you can wear a black tuxedo and still be a jaw dropper because you give so much face. I mean come on, he’s 52. It’s just not fair.
I purposefully put Angela Bassett next because she’s 67 and serving. WOMEN CAN DO IT TOO, BB. Also do we need a ticket for the gun show, cause damn girl!
That rhombus top is TELLING A STORY.
One would assume I would rip this to shreds but I’m actually all in for this funky little splash. Could do without the middle of the chest curtain grommet, but when she walked onstage with her high pony and her sparkle panel bouncing, I felt like the party was just getting started.
A fun shimmery ombre!
Throwing heaters in a lace corset. Ok, boo!
Because I would only ever allow Adam Brody to wear a powder blue suit with ruffles and be like yeah he’s still pulling it off. He is America’s most emotionally mature TV boyfriend right now and we must reward that by letting him wear whatever the hell he wants and call it quirky & adorbs.
These two just radiate cool. Could have something to do with Sam wearing shades on the carpet, but I’ll give it to them anyway.
A gentleman and a scholar. Guys, I’m losing steam here and it’s inching dangerously closer to my bedtime. Which is why I’m gonna toss a crazy idea into the breeze and you can send it right on back if you want. Sure, an iconic duo wearing matching black tuxes is grand. But, even better, WHAT IF they showed up in like goofy bit costumes? Imagine these two came in the Dumb and Dumber top hats and suits? Bet that would get a big laugh! Thank me later, guys.
Obsessed with this color and we definitely don’t see enough of it on a red carpet.
Looooove the silvery blue jacket, shirt, scarf trio!
A butter gown that really accentuates her (what I choose to believe is real) summer glow!
I believe this is the exact definition of serving c*nt. yAAAAAAaaaaaSsss King.
Can’t explain why this colonial doll getup tickled me, but it sure did. See? I can change my judgements because normally I’d be railing on those puff sleeves and instead I’m like should I also have a floral nightgown dress? I think the wine red lips and tousled hair really sold it, making it more casj cute and less night of the living dolls.
This is a nice tasteful feathering.
Would’ve liked her hair better down but even though you’ll have to pry my bright blue and hot pink nail polish out of my cold dead hands as long as I have a tan, Jennie’s dark mani and lips ALMOST made me want to go fall. ALMOST.
This glitzy pink is making her baby blues POP.
Making a white jacket look gangsta.
A moment for a dead leaves fall hue. (that matches her hair and YES I LOVE THAT SO MUCH MATCHING IS MY FAVORITE.)
Yes to a maroon suit, always. Is it me or is Jason Segel getting significantly hotter as he ages? Another reason why men are trash. I’ll be looking like a worn leather bag in 5 years time (prob still without a husband) and this mf’er slimmed down, grew a beard, got some sun streaked highlights and a fresh turks tan and is the hottest he’s ever been at 45.
Love that she flipped her ends. Reese Witherspoon did that in the early aughts and all I ever wanted was to have a flippy hairdo but alas I was cursed with a brillo pad head. The dress is fun and a rare occasion where I will approve of a one strapper.
Legit only Walton Goggins can pull off a half unbuttoned shirt with full chesties and a very feminine necklace dangling in his cleavage. And boy does he know it.
This is like the bachelor franchise in a dress and I couldn’t love it more.
A sultry stare in a midnight jacket. Yum.
HOT TREND OF THE MOMENT…the naked dress. Credit to Justine for being the only one to rock it on this carpet and I think she smashed it out of the park. The pieces of flair are large enough to distract from her bits and it’s not too scandalous for the occasion.
Saving our host for last. If you’re doing a before/after, Nate is quite literally unrecognizable from when he started comedy back in the dizzle. Further proof that the more money you make, the better you look. (Adam Sandler is of course, the exception to that rule.) Either way, he looks sharp and he held his own on the big stage. Except when he called Gilmore Girls “Gilmore Now” and totally stroked out pronouncing Karen Fairchild’s name. But no one noticed, I bet.
The Salty Ju 