Ya’ll, first and foremost I’d like to thank Jesus Christ my Lord & Savior for the opportunity to watch every country artist thank Jesus Christ their Lord & Savior last night. Second I’d like to ask what cameras to look at when I thank them. No but actually, obviously a round stage means there are several spots to stand in and I don’t doubt there were no less than 10 cameras surrounding it, but REALLY? you couldn’t give ANYONE a quick memo or flag which camera to look at? If I drank every time a winner announced that they didn’t know where to look followed by a shout out to their boy JC I would’ve been blackout REAL quick. Without further ado, here are the things that were fabulous about last night’s show and the things that were less than fabulous.
Yay:
-Kicking off the night with a pan to a random person singing the wrong words to the opening song by Keith and Eric promptly followed by a T. Swift crowd shot. The two things I enjoy most about award shows within seconds of each other, people getting caught not knowing the lyrics and Swiftie’s awkward dance moves. (PS: IS SHE THE TALLEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD?)
-FGL performs without a whisper of a disgusting vest or overdone tassel. They’ve grown up before my very eyes and I’m just so darn proud of them for wearing normal people clothes. They best keep it up.
-Miranda Lambert showing women of the world that not all pantssuits have to be for an interview at the White House. Never ever thought i would use sexy and pants suit in the same sentence but here we are. Also performance corset. Damn, girl.
-Sam Hunt performs “Take Your Time” in red hot pants, yes please. (By perform, I obviously mean just the chorus because he’s a n00b and apparently hasn’t earned performing time yet. For shame.)
-Tony Jokes on Jokes Romo throwing a pass to Luke Bryan and then tells a quick LOL about deflategate by saying “We’re the Dallas Cowboys, we have real balls.”
-The most real mushroom cut I’ve ever seen on this guy from Alabama.
-Kelly Clarkson introduces Mommy in Law Reba and goes, “…basically what I’m saying is I have the coolest mother in law and you also can suck it.” A girl after my own heart.
-T.Swizzle gets a full on montage about how perfect she is then her mom presents the 50th Anniversary Milestone award. Andrea gives us a quick peek at Tay’s pre-star years when apparently she was a real loser in school whose only friend was her mom (poor T) and she also wrote Love Story because her parents wouldn’t let her date a guy who clearly was a turd. Then Mama Swift gets choked up so obviously I get choked up and Tay accepts and thanks the country community for being graceful and the bomb.com with her transition to pop.
-Blake Shelton sings a song about sangria mouth and all I can think about is this and have a giggle fit.
-Dan & Shay team up with Nick Jonas and sing Jealous AND Chains. Nick Jonas struts that shit and owns the damn performance, my panties melt away and I barely even notice the two country goobers with stupid identical hairstyles onstage with him in his shadow.
-Lady A performs a new banger song and wins for one of the VERY few upbeat performances of the night.
Nay:
-Lee Brice gives a quick shoutout to Randy Travis in the audience and I’m very concerned that it’s a little too soon for him to be making public appearances after his stroke/millions of health troubles because he LEGIT doesn’t move a muscle and I had to question if he was still alive.
-Most performances were medleys of the singers greatest hits and I was all in on that. Nothin but the hits, nothin but the hits, nothin but the motherf’ing hits.
-Martina McBride sings a song from 11 years ago. Way to keep it current, guys. She looks like a dime piece though.
-Luke performs “I See You” and wears a golf polo and I’d like to submit a formal petition that Luke only wears v necks with a backwards hat and shake it at least 10 times per performance. Don’t stray from what works, Luke. I don’t handle change well.
VS. (jus sayin)
-Rascal Flatts and Xtina perform together and I have not the slightest clue what song they’re singing because it’s just a bunch of sounds and vocal runs aka it’s so Xtina it hurts. I don’t remember hearing one coherent lyric in this performance. But she wore a jean jacket. Cause that’s SO country.
-Because this show is in TEXAS. Did you hear it’s in TEXAS? Well they use the Dallas cheerleaders as stage ho’s. No seriously, all they do is stand onstage when someone wins an award. Good work.
-Kenny recalls his first ACM’s when he actually had a record deal and they still sat him in the nosebleeds. Could it possibly be because he refuses to wear anything other than a cut off tee? Clean it up, Kenny.
-The amount of times that a country star introducing another star not so discreetly points out that they’re buddies or friends is exhausting. Hey, you’re all country stars who love to drink and sing about the same things. I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re all friends. No need to give AIM profile shoutouts at every introduction.
-Dr. Phil was given a mic and I wish that he wasn’t cause he shouts into it because his natural vocal decibel is always set to megaphone.
-Brooks & Dunn are performing togets for the first time in 100 years or something…Brooks (or Dunn?) is scarin me with his face though.
-My dreamboat of all dreamboats, Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year again (rightfully so) and the minute he starts his acceptance speech, someone who I’m sure was immediately fired starts playing him out with Miranda’s song “Over You.” Yiiiiikes bet that made his moment real special.
Bottom Line-Real MVP’s of the night were the man candy underdogs of country (&Nick Jonas):
GIVE IT TO ME.
Full Winners List:
Song of the Year: “Automatic”- Miranda Lambert
Vocal Duo of the Year: Florida Georgia Line
50th Anniversary Milestone: Miranda Lambert, Most Awarded Female in Country
Vocal Group of the Year: Little Big Town
50th Anniversary Milestone Award: Reba
50th Anniversary Milestone: Taylor Swift
Album of the Year: Platinum-Miranda Lambert
50th Anniversary Milestone: Garth Brooks
New Artist of the Year: Cole Swindell
Female Vocalist: Miranda Lambert
50th Anniversary Milestone: Kenny Chesney
Single Record of the Year: “I Don’t Dance”-Lee Brice
HEY GUYS! It’s one out of 1000 country music awards! Except these ones are GREAT because Luke Bryan co-hosts with Blake Shelton and therefore I get to spend a lot of time staring at my TV and drooling over Lukey. Generally the country boys really show up for these awards, fashion-wise. There were a couple disappointments but overall the southern gentlemen were looking fre$h in their Sunday best.
Worst:
Shweet Curtains.
The Mickey Mouse Ears covering her boobs aren’t doing things for me.
WHY DO MEN STILL THINK IT’S OK TO WEAR POWDER BLUE. IT’S NOT.
Montel is here for some reason, and he borrowed this outfit from an ice dancer.
Damn it, Nick. You’re a smoke and you decided to wear this?! He looks like a caricature of Woody from Toy Story.
Jana, this dress makes me dizzy.
Frankie Ballard as the Circus ring leader of the evening.
Why is Jamie Lyn Spears here?
This is his “awards show” short sleeve plaid shirt.
Hate to do it but I don’t like this dress at all. She redeems herself real quick during the awards though.
Was there a 2 for 1 special at the barber, Dan & Shay?
Prom Barbie
Nottttt a flattering dress
I mean…
Why is Darius wearing the same shades that the old blind guy in the Sandlot wore?
Might I remind everyone that at the CMA’s, this girl performed in basically a sparkle t-shirt. Clearly she has something against covering her lady bits.
Best:
Red sass on sass.
Boys, this is how you do blue. Take notes.
Classic look for Kellie Pickler
Best dressed couple of the night. Best dressed couple of ever.
Chase lookin polished and classy.
Dierks with the plaid sass is fresh to death.
Don’t think I didn’t try to crop his wife out.
Left Osborne-Yes, Right Osborne-No (Powder Blue rule…)
FGL NO VESTS. GET IT, BOYS.
Hunter in a grown up suit.
Kacey didn’t do anything flashy or weird and for that I commend her on the best dressed.
YASS.
Keith is so cool guy rocker it hurts.
The disco ball twins went for it.
Sam Hunt ❤
Don’t even know who this is and it was my fave of the night, easily.
Didn’t actually know that these were a legit thing until I saw JT tweet about how he was being honored, and I don’t need to be told twice to tune into a slobbering of Justin. You also know that I never pass up an opportunity to recap an awards show either. I actually really enjoyed this one, surprisingly so it was a great decision overall. They were better than the Grammy’s. Boom. I said it.
Highs:
-Nick Jonas performing Chains wrapped in actual chains and wearing the shit out of some leather pants while hoes parade around him and bang on some drums. -The JT and Taylor Swift show. Right from the get-go we see that these two are seated at the same table and generally just F’ing around like a couple of goobers. Tay wins and JT tries to go up instead of her. They’re now rivaling Jfall and JT for besties that I could watch hang out foreva.
-Tay wins best lyrics for Blank Space and shouts it out to all the insta captions of “darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” (kinda bummed she didn’t also include homemade mugs, cause mine is BO$$) also clarifies that she doesn’t sing about Starbucks Lovers, whatevs grl, we’ll sing what we wanna sing.
-FGL performs “Sun Daze” and neither of them are wearing a disgusting vest. Good work, boys. Keep it up.
-There are “my journey” stories from artists in between awards and performances and I actually really liked this because it was something different and probably made up for time they would’ve had to fill with Jamie Foxx telling offensive jokes and singing the I’m in love with the coco song over and over again.
-They show a peek backstage of Nick Jonas doing pushups in his leather pants and there clearly is a God.
-It becomes evident that this awards show is kind of a free for all when Jamie Foxx strolls around shooting the shit with singers asking them to practice their winning faces and gettin all up on “random white girls” before they literally cut him off mid-sentence. I love a good hosting train wreck.
-JT’s teal suit, jizzworthy montage of all of his greatest achievements with his besties bowing down to him & entire acceptance speech for the innovator award (except the last lines ugh, still won’t accept that he’s not all mine.) Watch in full below (2:21 for montage, 5:22 for speech)
-Jason Derulo performs “Want to Want Me”. Those dance moves, tossing the mic around like a seasoned vet, thrusting, that falsetto…all equal YES. -Sam Smith has a pre-recorded crooning of “Lay Me Down” with candles and an orchestra. So smooth.
-Madonna performs a song that was suuuperrr lame but recruited Taylor Swift to play acoustic guitar in a sexy black lace dress with thigh high black boots and it becomes very clear that even Madonna understands that in order to have her tired performance noticed she needed Tswizzle to spice it up. All she did was strum the guitar and those legs still stole the show. – Nate Reuss performs “Nothing Without Love” wearing a very Hamptons-esque whoutfit, but also has a case of the scary eyes while singing. He lays it all out on the line though cruising around the stage in those loafers and crushes the song.
Lows:
-Jamie Foxx makes some cracks about Suge Knight in his monologue and obviously doesn’t realize that Suge can still have him killed from the clink, probably should be a little more terrified about that. Also cheap shots about Bruce Jenner’s trans-gender thang. Yikes.
-Meghan Trainor performs “Dear Future Husband” with an unnecessary bedazzled sailor cap and it’s pretty snoozeworthy.
-“Stay tuned for something everyone will be talking about tomorrow so you don’t wanna miss it.” Every awards show teaser EVER. I HIGHLY doubt my boss will be dying to talk about T. Swift playing guitar for Madonna. Nice try.
-Rihanna premieres new song “Bitch Better Have My Money” with a ‘copter onstage and wearing that. No thanks. -Ian Ziering presents with Left Shark. Left shark has 1000% jumped the ship, pun intended. This joke has been drowned to death. NO MORE LEFT SHARK, PLEASE.
-Brantley “Bedazzled and jewel encrusted cross t-shirt” Gilbert wins the renegade award (the throw everyone who hasn’t been nominated into this one, award) and feels it’s necessary to tell everyone that he’s not wearing lip gloss, he just kissed his fiance. Oh ok.
-Why is Chris Brown allowed anywhere? Why is he still releasing music, why is he still famous, why is his hair green? WHY. Go away, Breezy.
-Snoop Dogg forever will give me the heebie jeebs.
Not coincidentally, the best dressed of the night were also the top three that dominated this show and made it entertaining. Ok, okay these two looked pretty bangin too. Need Pitch Perfect 2 and I needed it yesterday.
Full Winners List
Best Lyrics- “Blank Space”-Taylor Swift
Hip Hop/R&B Song of the Year- “Don’t Tell Em”- Jeremih ft. YG
Innovator- Justin Timberlake
Best New Artist- Sam Smith
Best Country Artist- Jason Aldean
Best Fan Army- 5SOSFan What?
Best Collaboration- “Bang Bang”- Jessie J, Ariana & Nicki
Renegade- Brantley Gilbert (this award is the most random)
Best Dance Song of the Year- “Summer”- Calvin Harris
Alternative Rock Song of the Year- “Take Me to Church”-Hozier
Here’s a mix for when you want to remember what it’s like to have so many emotions at once, shout YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND ME, slam your door and put up a dramatic away message on AIM. Or if you wanna pair one of your dad’s ties with a wife beater, stack on your rubber glitter bracelets from Claire’s and pose like a badass in front of your Beanie Baby collection and Tiger Beat posters.
Either way, either way’s fine.
1. Dance, Dance- Fall Out Boy. Oh Pete Wentz, you and your guyliner and cool hats and dating Peyton Sawyer long distance…FOB was soooooo cool and the titles of their songs were so BA, i.e. “Our Lawyers Made Us Change The Name of This Song…” that it’s very clear why they made this playlist.
AIM Buddy Profile Lyric: “Why don’t you show me a little bit of spine, You’ve been saving for his mattress, love” For when the girl whose already wearing thongs stole your boyfriend. SLUT.
2. You’re So Last Summer-Taking Back Sunday. I mean, obviously. There was definitely a time in my life where every single one of these lyrics found a place in an away message or profile of mine, so it’s good to know I was never dramats or anything. (ex: The truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath, I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt.) Yiiikes. Also saw Taking Back Sunday in concert at the NYS fair and it was preeetttyy great. All the feels, live.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “Boys like you are a dime a dozen.” For the boy you’re planning a marriage to who clearly doesn’t like you. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE A DIME A DOZEN. SO HA.
3. Pieces of Me- Ashlee Simpson. Ash was obviously the sister of Christian pop princess, Jessica Simpson…but Ashlee was so mizundastooood and so she dyed her hair black and wore men’s camo pants and converse sneaks. Punk girlz, YEAH. Girl was my idol. I watched her reality show and saw her strain her raspy voice and talk about how she’s been living in Jess’s shadow and I was like YEAH TOTALLY I FEEL YA. And then she dated the preppiest porcupine in California, Ryan Cabrera, and I loved her even more. She holds a special place in my rebellious (read: not rebellious) middle school years that will never be replaced.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “It’s as if you know me better than I ever knew myself.” First relationship ❤
4. Boulevard of Broken Dreams-Green Day. Green Day gave us our 8th grade graduation song, you know where they sang about everything being unpredictable and having the time of our lives, and we were all like actually we’re 12 and we’re all just going to high school together, soooo.. But anyway, they were badasses who cursed the government and got real hardcore about actual world issues and it all went straight over my head as I used “Wake Me Up When September Ends” as an away message on the first day of school. Seriously, I thought that was so kewl. This song is pretty angsty, aka it fits in perfectly on this mix.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me ‘Til then I walk alone.” When Ashley has a big sleepover and doesn’t invite you.
5. The Middle- Jimmy Eat World. It took me probably my whole life so far to figure out what Jimmy Eat World is singing in this song, but I DO know that they’re saying everything will be alright. So this is for when you’ve listened to the last song and you’re crying about having no friends or something and you need to know that there won’t always be bitches who exclude you from the lunch table.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “Live right now Just be yourself.” Do you, grl.
6. All Hail the Heartbreaker- The Spill Canvas. This song is one of many that is currently making me wonder how I didn’t think half of these bands were a bunch of wieners. Like why are you so whiny about girls not liking you? Little role reversal action, the emo guy who had his heart ripped to shreds is apparently who we all loved in the 8th grade.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “I’ll let you get the best of me, Because there’s nothing else that I do well.” You and Justin broke up…AGAIN.
7. Dirty Little Secret- All American Rejects. The lead singer of this band was a real hottie. I think he did an episode of Room Raiders with Stephen from Laguna and my pre-teen heart exploded. Anyway, all around banger of a song and about a secret love affair, so spicy.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “I go around a time or two, Just to waste my time with you.” This lyric is just ambiguous enough that it also could apply to a BFF, because what did you do with your BFF in middle school that WASN’T wasting time?
8. Middle of Nowhere-Hot Hot Heat. Peyton Sawyer liked this song and she was so hardcore punk rock and wore converses and stuff so you know it’s a great one. Plus it was on her Friends with Benefit CD for her dying mom. Nuff said.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “She said, “Maybe there’s a bit of me waiting for a bit of you. baby.” I absolutely used this in my profile. Just waiting for my pre-teen prince, duh.
9. Helena-My Chemical Romance. This band has a scary name and a lead singer that’s pretty terrifying because he really subscribed to the white face, dark makeup, dark greasy hair thing. Yet for whatever reason, I loved the shit out of them in my younger years. This was one of my favorites and I distinctly remember the music video because a dead girl gets out of the coffin and starts doing ballet at her own funeral. No biggie.
AIM Prof Lyric: “And what’s the worst to take, From every heart you break.” This is the least creepy lyric in this song, you’re welcome.
10. Space- Something Corporate. My obsession with SoCo might’ve started in middle school, but my love affair with lead singer Andrew McMahon continues today because I see him in concert 1-2 times a year. He’s the stuff. That man knows how to wail on a piano. What I REALLY wanted to do was put Konstantine on here because it’s probably the greatest song ever made (bold statement, whatever) but it’s definitely not a casual song to throw into a mix, you’ve gotta be ready for all the Konfusion. This song is definitely more fitting and still great, because all of his songs are great, duh. Ok I’ll stop slobbering all over him now. Actually, I won’t because this happened this summer and I’m still not over it:
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: Side note-not his best song for lyrics unfortunately…”and you say, that you can, when you know that you won’t.”
11. Hands Down-Dashboard Confessional. Ah how we all imagined our first kiss would be, gazing at the stars in the grass with a guy whose probably wearing skinny jeans but is like reeeallyyy into you. Did anyone have one of those? Pls advise. Dashboard was so romants and dramats all at once with this number but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Seriously, girl…kiss him before he dies.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelery, which ever you prefer.” The I’m obsessed with you portion of your prof. Usually accompanied by some initials.
12. Best of Me- The Starting Line. Long distance love + being young foreva=the perfect song to mosh to. Who knew?
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “we got older but we’re still young, we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up.” Class of ’09 GTS GMS LOLOLOL You know WHO YOU ARE!!
13. Pretty Girl (The Way)- Sugarcult. I’m like 98% sure this song was used in Laguna Beach when Stephen decided for the millionth time that he didn’t want LC as a side piece anymore and was with Kristin rubbing it in her face. So you should probably think about that when you listen to it, but also think about how LC is a bo$$ now so there’s hope for us all.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “and that’s what you get for falling again; you can never get him out of your head.” Damn you, STEEEEvehhhnnn.
14. Hallelujah- Paramore. Hayley Williams is the poster child of punk rock princess, sorry Ashlee, but the girl has bright orange hair so she wins. She’s been shouting about stuff forever, and the best part is that she’s still releasing new stuff and it’s getting air time on pop radio, so she’s pretty much made 8th grade jams mainstream. Respect.
AIM Prof Lyric: “Let’s make it last forever.” SUMMER VACATION, at the pool with mah betchez.
15. Okay I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don’t-Brand New. This band was probably the closest I ever got to the scream-o genre and I think it was a good line to draw. I don’t love when a man screeches into a microphone, luckily it’s a quick one in this song. Otherwise they had dirty lyrics that I knew I shouldn’t be listening to and it made them that much cooler. Also this title is pretty terrifying. So there’s that.
AIM Prof Lyric: “Hope you come down with something they can’t diagnose, Don’t have the cure for.” So aggress-for the girl in the gym locker room who told everyone you don’t wear deodorant.
16. What’s My Age Again-Blink 182. Totes one of those songs that is hilarious and fun when you’re 13 and think that 23 is SUUUUUPER far away. Except now that I’m 23 this song sucks. Nonetheless, it’s a great Blink song and is pretty much the epitome of their inapprops lyrics. It was real rebellious of me to be listening to them back in the day.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “I never wanna act my age, What’s my age again?” Realistically I would never use any of these lyrics in my prof in case my parents ever found it and took away AIM from me (once was traumatizing enough.)
17. Addicted-Simple Plan. This band was the poster child of whiny the world is against me lyrics. They sang about feeling left out and abused and unloved and it was great at the time because obviously growing up a privileged white girl it’s like they totally read my mind…but now that I look back I couldn’t in good conscious put one of their depressing songs on this playlist. So I chose this one because even though it’s still everybody hates me and leaves me…it has a play on words with “dick” and that’s entertaining to me. Good work, Pierre. Seriously though Pierre was cute as shit, and a French Canadian…bilingual, so hot.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “I don’t know why I’m still waiting, I can’t make you mine.” For the boy who didn’t want to sign your yearbook.
18. The Anthem- Good Charlotte. Ahhh, GC and the punk rock Madden bros. Did you ever think back then that these two would be tamed by Nicole Richie and Cameron Diaz? Plot twist. This song is about not being held down, but like obviously they really scaled it back since then. At least I hope they did because they bitched about rich and famous people and well…you pretty much married into that, boys.
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “It’s a new day, but it all feels old.” Ugh, school AGAIN?!
19. Be My Escape- Relient K. These guys may have been punk but they used some pretty large vocab in their lyrics so I think we can all agree they were also educational. Case in point, they used the word complacency in this song. My 13-year-old brain totes had to look that up. Anyway, this one is another needy love song that gave words to all the feels I had for the guy whose locker was near mine and I was probably obsessed with. Aaand now that I’m reading the lyrics this song was about God, so that changes things a beat. Whatever. It’s still a banger.
AIM Prof Lyric: “But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.” LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.
20. Ocean Avenue-Yellowcard. I shipped Yellowcard REAL hard. Like hard enough to have their concert on DVD and watch it so many times that when it finally was lost or stolen (DOES ANYONE HAVE IT?) I was real affected by it. My dad watched it with me once and saw how halfway through the show they told the crowd to separate down the middle and then run to the other side as hard and fast as they could. Den thought that was a little TOO intense for his 13 year old daughter and therefore wouldn’t let me go to an actual concert of theirs. LAME. They DID say if someone fell to pick them up but WHATEVER. Anyway, I stand by my love for these guys, who else has a violinist in a punk band? It’s cool as shit. Supes cultured. (He used to do back flips off the piano mid-concert too…HARDCORE PARKOUR.)
AIM Buddy Prof Lyric: “We’re looking up at the same night sky, And keep pretending the sun will not rise, Be together for one more night, Somewhere, somehow.” Star crossed lovers, from different middle schools.
Everyone who knows me also knows that I have a weird obsession with the 90’s. Their music, dramatic teen soaps and cheesetastic movies are where it’s at and I still find a way to work them into my regular conversation. So it was fitting that my next playlist be a 90’s throwback. Have you ever watched one of those VH1 specials and thought hey I love all of those songs? Well that’s pretty much how I made this playlist. I checked out all the one hit wonder alt hits of the entire decade and put this jam fest together for your ears. Some of them are multi-hit wonders but who cares; it’s a bunch of good songs that make you want to wear flannel and get grungy. Hope you enjoy! (Reading my blabfest for each song=optional of course.)
1. Semi-Charmed Life-Third Eye Blind Here’s a classic 3EB song that everyone thought was fun and upbeat and when you listen to the lyrics it’s actually about being addicted to crystal meth. NBD but HBD. Fun/Possibly Really Embarrassing Fact: I’ve seen Third Eye Blind in concert not once…but twice. I paid both times too so who’s the real sucker here? Great concert for drunken college kids who just want to get their feels out and mosh, might I add. However, the lead singer took it a little more seriously than that and had an interlude mid-jam to talk about how much he loves performing and going onstage and traveling the word. Yeah, yeah bro, you’re on a makeshift stage in front of a river and your entire crowd is 18-20 year olds who did shots before this and are all about to boot, let’s get back to Jumper now, shall we?
Best Lyric:“With a tick-tock rhythm and a bump for the drop, And then I bumped up, I took the hit I was given, Then I bumped again, and then I bumped again” YA DRUGZ. Slash pretty much all of the lyrics are the best because this song is catchy AF.
2. Freshmen-The Verve Pipe Is this song REALLY depressing? Yeah, pretty much. But it’s also the epitome of the 90’s alternative vibe and it would be criminal to not include it on this playlist. Heavy drug references and also pretty sure they’re singing about someone dying but hey…we were only freshman so no blamesies.
Best Lyric: “Stopped a baby’s breath and a shoe full of rice, no” WHAT does this mean. So mysterious and edgy with rice shoes.
3. I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)-The Proclaimers LOVE SONG OF THE CENTURY, amirite? This guy’s like hey I’m determined to be yours so I’m gonna sing about it. I can totes get down with that. Also this song had a resurgence in How I Met Your Mother–for all fans (pre-series finale from hell) you’ll recall this was the song that was stuck in Ted’s old car cassette player and sound tracked all of Ted and Marshall’s college adventures. Ah, the good ole days.
Best Lyric: “And when the money comes in for the work I do, I’ll pass almost every penny on to you.” GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY. Just kidding, the Proclaimers probably shouldn’t have offered that up so freely.
4. Barely Breathing-Duncan Sheik Duncan is heartbroken, guys. I’m suspecting he got cheated on because he’s being really dramats and saying he can barely breathe now that she’s gone. I’m fine with him being whiny about getting dumped hard though because he’s all sensitive and cute and it’s a good song for when you just need to let out your feels.
Best Lyric:“It must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born” The hipster songwriter way of saying “I wasn’t born yesterday” is sooo much cooler.
5. No Rain-Blind Melon This is a great song to make a funny voice and sing along to because this guy already kind of has a funny voice to begin with. Seriously, try it. So I guess I didn’t realize there’s like 10 lyrics that they just repeat over and over again until I looked it up. It’s kind of a cute love song though, bro just wants someone to hang out with and watch the rain and stuff.
Best Lyric:“So stay with me and I’ll have it made” D’awwwwww.
6. Counting Blue Cars-Dishwalla This song is kind of weird. But you know what, equal opportunity. I love it cause it’s a nice think about the world and religion jam. Why is a song called counting blue cars provoking me to think about religion? Well that would be due to the fact that they refer to God as a woman. Is God a woman? This little kid seems to think so. THINK ABOUT IT while you count dem cars.
Best Lyric: “We said, “Tell me all your thoughts on God, ‘Cause I would really like to meet her, and ask her why we’re who we are.” WHO ARE WE? WHO IS GOD? Deep, bruh.
7. Hold My Hand- Hootie & The Blowfish I decided to throw you for a loop and choose the not so obvious Hootie hit. Yes, I understand that Hootie technically were never one hit wonders and they hung around for a while but it’s not a 90’s alt playlist without them, so just let it happen. Plus now that Darius is 100% country, I’ll do anything to erase his remake of Wagon Wheel from my memory. 90’s Hootie doesn’t wear a cowboy hat; he literally just wants to hold my hand. I love a good handholding, especially coups style, so by all means Hootie, grab on.
Best Lyric: “Yesterday, I saw you standing there, your head was down, your eyes were red, No comb had touched your hair.” What a nice way to describe a girl’s dirty hair. He still wants to hold paws even though she clearly hasn’t showered.
8. Save Tonight- Eagle Eye Cherry The song that occupied many a graduation and goodbye mixes. It’s the official YOLO of the 90’s. You only have one night left together so live it up! Interesting fact that I learned from one of the Barstool bloggers on twitter is that Eagle Eye Cherry is legitimately the musician’s name, not a band name. I didn’t really fact check that, so don’t hold me to it. I basically just read something on Twitter and repeat it as fact on a fairly regular basis so you should all probably be concerned.
Best Lyric: “So take this wine and drink with me, and let’s delay our misery.” Wine is def the stuff for delaying misery, until you wake up the next morning with a wine hangover, which is the real pits.
9. You Get What You Give-New Radicals Such a feel good song from the New Radicals as they preach to keep on keepin on. This song is filled to the brim of AIM profile lyrics (aka I definitely at one point had “You’ll be ok, follow your heart <3” in my jujubean8731 aim prof. NO SHAME.) While they’re being totes inspirational they also find time to tell celebs that they hate how rich they are and will kick their ass in. Classic.
Best Lyric: “You’re all fakes, Run to your mansions, Come around, We’ll kick your ass in.” No really. RUN. These guys have big feet.
10. Bittersweet Symphony-The Verve This one is actually depressing AF but because it’s set to some nice classical violin beats it suddenly tricks you into thinking you like adult music and you forget that they’re singing about how life is just about getting money and dying.
Best Lyric: “But I’m a million different people from one day to the next.” Multiple Personality Disorder in a nutshell.
11. She’s So High-Tal Bachman What kind of a name is Tal? Who knows, but he must be a real catch because he wrote a whole song about how this girl is basically a goddess. If I had a quarter for every time a guy was so swept away by my beauty and grace that he wrote a song all about it, I would still not have enough quarters for a load of laundry in Boston. Seriously, you guys got any spares? Anyway, Tal thinks he’s a piece of dog shit compared to this girl and I would like to see pics because this seems a little extreme.
Best Lyric: “First class and fancy free, She’s high society.” It’s no secret how much I love the term fancy-free and he rhymed it with high society. WHAT a guy.
12. Two Princes-Spin Doctors This is hands down the original Rude! by Magic. Except guess what? It’s been 10+ years since it came out and I don’t want to pull my hair out of my head when I hear it. I welcome this song, whereas after one month of Rude being on the radio I wanted to stomp on over to wherever Magic was probably meditating near incense and tell him to shut the hell up. Anyway, the Spin Doctors were like hey we’re kind of just regular guys and your dad will probably hate us but I’ve got bedroom skills and I’ll love you like nobody’s biz. Yes, please.
Best Lyric: “You marry him, your father will condone you (How ’bout that now) You marry me, your father will disown you (He’ll eat his hat, now)” Let your dad eat his hat, girl!
13. Breakfast at Tiffany’s-Deep Blue Something I can’t lie to you guys. I’ve never seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I get that it’s a classic and Audrey Hepburn, blah blah blah, I hate black and white movies. Whoops secret’s out. Even though I’ve never seen the movie, I still have enough sense to know it’s cute as shit that these guys are using it to pick up chicks. We both like Breakfast at Tiffany’s? BOOM. Let’s hang. Unfortunately it doesn’t work out for the best, but hey they tried.
Best Lyric: “You’ll say the world has come between us, Our lives have come between us, Still I know you just don’t care.” So dramatic. The WORLD has come between us. Settle down and watch the movie with him.
14. Steal My Sunshine-Len Here’s another one of those, hey this song is kind of quirky and ohhh wait it’s about doing drugs. Got it. Just kidding I really don’t, I just think it’s catchy. I will never ever know the lyrics to it and I’m kind of ok with it because they’re suuuuper weird. At least this chick can still spell “later” while she’s high. Don’t ever try to steal someone’s sunshine (CODE: DRUGS) though because I’m guessing that shit would get real dicey.
Best Lyric: “My sticky paws were in to making straws out of big fat slurpy treats.” HAHA sticky paws.
15. How Bizarre-OMC I mean the title of this song pretty much sums it up best. It’s real bizarre and I can only assume as a pure and innocent girl that it’s also about drugs as was clearly the trend here. Please let me know if you have some insight. Either way it’s a head bopper and I’m pretty sure it was in the award-winning flick The Parent Trap camping scene so that just makes it more esteemed.
Best Lyric: “Elephants and acrobats, Lions next monkey, Pele speaks righteous, Sister Seena says funk.” Um. Drugs, right?
16. Fly-Sugar Ray. Again, Sugar Ray definitely had more than one hit, but Mark McGrath just had a big death hoax so we’re going to cut him a break here as he comes back from the dead. Sugar Ray was so 90’s it hurts. Mark and that soul patch did things for a lot of ladies. He was also clearly pretty cocky if he thought statues crumbled for him but whatevs.
Best Lyric: “Love can make you hostage wanna do it again.” SO romantic. Hostages.
17. If You Could Only See-Tonic This is a real angsty song that I included for those days when you just want to whine it out. This guy is wah-wahing about how much this girl loves him and justifying why he’s being with her or something. He obviously never recovered/pulled it together because we basically never heard from Tonic again but this is a nice slow jam for your dramatic times alone.
Best Lyric: “Seems the road less traveled, Show’s happiness unraveled, And you got to take a little dirt, To keep what you love.” YEAH. Be a man and rub some dirt in it.
18. The Impression That I Get- Mighty, Mighty Bosstones What a zesty song. Yes I used the word zesty and I wasn’t referring to salad dressing. I was referring to a couple of guys wearing suits and ripping on the sax. Also mad props for a cool band name. Too bad they didn’t get anywhere with it. This song is about never knocking on wood so I guess these two zoot suits have been pretty darn lucky or something.
Best Lyric: “Have you ever been close to tragedy? Or been close to folks who have? Have you ever felt the pain so powerful, so heavy you collapse?” Starting off the song with 21 questions, interesting style here.
19. Closing Time-Semisonic Ah, the classic GET THE HELL OUTTA THE BAR song. Except what’s even worse is that they used to play this at our middle school dances to tell us to get outta the gym. Um, we don’t need any prompting there, guys, we have a strict curfew and our moms are waiting in the parking lot to pick us up. Anyway, another mix-up, this song was actually written about the lead singer having kids and how much his life was going to BLOW once they popped out. Kind of gives you a little perspective, huh? Take someone home from the bar STAT or you’ll waste your fun years and have to go home to your kids and wife instead so HA.
Best Lyric:“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” I mean obviously. Like yearbook quote of the century. Mind blown.
20. Tubthumping-Chumbawamba Obviously couldn’t end the mix on a downer. This song is REAL weird but that’s what makes it so great. These Swedes are singing about drinking and Danny boy and who knows what else. You know what I learned though? It’s a great song to put on when you’re dragging while getting ready to hit the town and need to be re-energized. Cause you’ll get up again and you won’t want to be kept down. TIME TO RAGE.
Best Lyric: “Pissing the night away”-Totally a phrase that foreigners sound classy saying but ‘Muricans just sound like trash monsters.
The Grammy’s are the biggest awards show for music, and they usually contain only a handful of awards and then several hours of performance. This is a great concept because most people would rather see the performances anyway, IF THEY’RE FUN AND UPBEAT. Last night’s show was the MOST boring awards show I’ve ever watched. They allowed snooze machine after snooze machine get onstage and croon out slow jams. It was a real struggle to stay awake for almost three hours with every performance serenading me to sleep. It was also the night of oldies collaboration, I assume in attempts to teach our youth who the classics are so they can cut the shit with tweeting out “AC/DC sounds like a really cool new artist.” I’m guessing it didn’t work. (Mostly because “Who Is Beck” was trending…)
We started off the night being reminded that LL Cool J is still hosting this thing, 20 years later. He’s also still wearing the same Kangol and licking those juicy lips every 30 seconds. Good to see some things never change. (He also forgoes a monologue…probably because he doesn’t want to get boo’ed off the stage—by me.)
The opening act is AC/DC and looking back I think this is the point where the Grammy’s really fooled us. I can see it now, some producer saying let’s open the show with a rockin performance from AC/DC so they’ll get all riled up for a bangin show and then we’ll hit em with the snooze button for the remaining three hours. Nailed it. This performance was for the old people and they really hit their target audience because I got a text from my mom that just said “ACDC!!!!” She was pretty excited. I personally kept thinking I was watching the final performance from School of Rock and was waiting for Zack Mooneyham to come out and melt faces with his guitar solo because of this outfit:
Here’s the breakdown of the rest of the night…
Sleepies:
-Ariana Grande’s performance of “Just A Little Bit of Your Heart” gives me just a little bit of the sleepies.
-Jessie J and old guy (Tom Jones…I googled it) sing “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling” and Jessie J’s atrocious outfit is distracting me from this weird duet. Also Jessie’s voice wasn’t on point as it usually is.
-Kanye has his first Grammy’s performing in 6 years. I know that because the announcers reminded me 10 times, I’m surprised Kanye also didn’t remind us. He has a single spotlight on him as he sings “Only One” about baby North with an Autotuner. He’s also dressed up for the occasion with a full red sweatsuit. Side Note: Is autotune still a thing? I thought T-Pain killed it like 6 years ago. (AKA the last time Yeezus was allowed to perform at the Grammy’s. Never mind, it makes sense now.)
-Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani sing a song with only the words yes and yeah in it. It blows and Gwen tries to riff it up like Xtina would. No, no, no. They both look hawt though, so there’s that.
– Hozier performs “Take Me To Church” with that mop of curls and Annie Lennox pops in to give us all the scaries and sing a bunch of noises with crazy eyes.
-Prezzy Barack Obama makes a cameo to remind us how awful domestic abuse is, I’m lookin at you Chris Breezy. Then we’re all treated to a weird poetic speech from a domestic abuse survivor and by the end of her talk I genuinely thought I had just watched a scene from a play. It was a nice touch to add some downer abuse and violence snippets to a show full of sad, slow songs. High alert for wrist cutting last night.
-Katy peforms in a tight white dress that makes her look 3 months pregs and there are no gimmicks, no sharks with legs, and CERTAINLY no Missy. Booooooooo.
-Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett perform “Cheek to Cheek.” Gags writhes her body all over Tony’s and I don’t know how he doesn’t have a heart attack on the spot. She clearly rolled around in Cheeto dust pre-performance and also doesn’t know what to do with her hands because they keep spazzing.
-The KING of grooving, Ursher baby, sings a LULLABY with a harp and Steve Wonder comes out for a hot second. WHY. This is the point of the night where I had given up on ever hearing happy music again.
-The SUPER hyped up collaboration of Rihanna, Paul McCartney & Kanye where Paul’s mic is 100% turned off. He’s just there for shock value and to fuel more youth tweets of “Who is Paul McCartney?” Rihanna sounds gr8 even though she is wearing a baggy suit from Men’s Warehouse. Kanye tries to steal the show the entire time. At one point he shouts at Paul to pay his bail, it’s the most interaction Paul gets all night as he mimes into a muted mic and tries to keep up with the cool kids who are about four five seconds from WILDIN’.
-Sam Smith and Mary J Blige perform “Stay With Me” TWICE. Great voices, not exactly an upper.
-Chris Martin & Beck perform and basically are twins. They sing a slow song, obv.
-Beyonce was who I was waiting for all night to end the show on a BANG. She comes out wearing an angel-esque wedding gown with a full choir behind her and I slip into a deep coma never to return again. It’s embarrassing how long I waited for her to strip that gown off and shout BRING DA BEAT IN. Spoiler alert: She didn’t.
-John Legend and Common perform Glory after Bey and I think I was throwing things at my TV at this point. JK I was sleeping.
Highlights:
-Pharrell wins solo pop performance, struts onstage in his biz Bermudas and says “this is really awkward” a couple times before getting played offstage. If he’s referring to wearing knee length dress shorts to an awards show than I agree, it is really awkward.
-Miranda performs “Little Red Wagon” in a full leather bodysuit and cowboy boots, the sass is AMPED up and she wins the award for most upbeat song of the night.
-The REAL Barry Gibb comes onstage to present and all I want to see is this:
-Madonna the 56 year old wearing a red corset bodysuit has the second most upbeat performance of the night and she basks in the glory by slamming her crotch into her dancers faces. Her barf.com arms also make a debut when she strips her sparkle jacket off and the grand finale is when her limp body is risen above the stage. You do you, Madge.
-Josh Duhamel, Julian Edelman and Malcolm Butler present an award, clearly Malcolm gets a little nervsies and poops his pants trying to read the teleprompter, then they tell a cheesy interception joke when Malcolm snatches the winner out of Josh’s hands. LOL. No but seriously, I didn’t even care that this was super awks, Josh Duhamel and Julian Edelman were standing side by side and it was a breathtaking view. Fingers crossed Edelman took my advice on snatching phones up in Hollywood last night or we’re gonna have a lot of pics to sift through this morning from all his lays.
-Ed performs “Thinking out Loud” and it is magic and there might be some tears from me out of sheer joy from Ed saving this trainwreck. John Mayer joins him onstage just to make weird faces and play backup guitar. Go away, John. This is Ed’s moment. (Kim K is the only one sitting when Ed gets a standing O at the end. Killlll yerrrrseeelllffff.)
-Ed performs with some old people (Electric Light Orchestra?) and we get the funniest moment of the night when they pan to Paul McCartney as the ONLY one standing and getting his groove on. They keep a camera on him for so long it basically shames him into sitting down. Way to go, producers.
-This guy’s hair:
-BECAUSE WE JUST CAN’T LET HAPPY DIE. Pharrell performs a “new version” and is wearing a bellhop uniform with yellow sequin sneaks. The start of his performance his him shouting out things and Google Translate shouting it back to him in other languages. There’s choir action and piano solos and at the end Pharrell says, “I’m in your service oh Lord.” Bruh, God is ALSO sick of Happy so if you were in his service you wouldn’t have played it. Get outta here.
-Prince is still a creeper.
-Beck wins album of the year and asks for a recount. Kanye stands up to try to do a repeat of “Imma let you finish but…Beyonce had the best video of all TIME.” Beck welcomes him onstage to save us all from his awkward speech full of long pauses but Kanye’s like nah JUST KIDDING GUYS. I’m a sensitive father now, I don’t play that game anymore. Buzzzzzzzkilllllll.
-Apparently Kanye & T.Swizz do the Parent Trap handshake during a commercial break and become besties again, 6 years post-incident. If there’s also a collab in the future I quit music.
-Sia’s performs Chandalier with an extravagant set that is supposedly recreating a painting of “The Invisible Man” (This obv. went way over my head, but I read it somewhere.) The performance opens with Shia LaBeouf reading a strange letter. Sia stands in the scene facing the wall, singing and her dancers are Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms and Kristen Wiig. Kristen hopping around in a leotard and doing goofy faces made me laugh out loud like I was watching an SNL sketch. Prob not what Sia was going for, but it was interesting to say the least. Also personal note to Sia: cut the shit with the hiding of your face. She does it because she doesn’t want to be famous YET we all know what she looks like. Enough is enough. I was praying she would win to see how she would handle her acceptance speech. Would she steal one of Daft Punk’s helmets from last year?
-Lots of blind jokes with Stevie Wonder and Jamie Foxx. Good to see he still has a sense of humor about his lack of sight.
-Sam Smith won literally all of the awards. He thanked his ex-BF for being a scumbag and getting him all deeze Grammy’s and also confessed that he once tried to lose weight to be successful and the lesson to take away here is don’t ever diet because if you don’t you’ll have four Grammys to show for it.
Winners:
Best New Artist- Sam Smith
Best Solo Pop Performance- Happy, Pharell
Best Pop Vocal Album-Sam Smith
Best R&B Performance- Drunk in Love, Beyonce
Best Rock Album- Beck
Best Country Album- Miranda Lambert
Album of the Year- Beck
Song of the Year- Stay With Me, Sam Smith
Record of the Year- Sam Smith
As a reward for sitting through that pile of sad, slow garbage, here’s the best performances from last year to cleanse you:
It was music’s biggest night and the singers put on their best, which unfortunately wasn’t great. The best dressed list was a true struggle to populate and it’s not just because I’m a judgmental asshole. I had people weigh in this time. Let’s get things started with the never-ending
Worst Dressed:
Ariana Grande with her signature tight ponytail that looks like it’s painful and a gown that looks like it was unfinished so they pinned a scrap of metallic material over it in an emergency.
Ashanti. Do less. Also how dare you show up to the Grammy’s without Ja Rule on your arm? Show some respect.
Charli XCX. Do even less than Ashanti. Was this supposed to be a bit? Did I miss something here?
Trash bag meets unraveling loofah on Ciara.
Damn it with those milkmaid braids that look to be weighing your head down, Iggy. I don’t even hate the dress because I’ve seen her do worse, but those braids really rough it up.
Legit question, why is Jane Fonda at the Grammys? In a green leisure suit nonetheless.
I actually don’t understand how Kanye is seen as a fashion icon. His obsession with deep V’s is almost as aggress as his wife’s obsession with showing off her lady bits on the internet.
I had to do a double take because I thought that Katharine McPhee was JWoww.
I think I actually like the purple hair more than I like this dress.
Kimmy, thanks for gracing the Grammy’s with your presence in a bedazzled bathrobe. Would you like me to grab your slippers?
Bonus points for matching the hair to the dress but yikes put the bewbs away.
KANGOL. NUFF SAID.
Madonna, you’re 56, woof. Time to retire the corsets.
This is conservative for Miles. That being said she looks straight up terrible. Is she coming down from a bender?
I would expect nothing less from someone who sings about buhholes.
Pharrell & Wife trying to one-up his historic Arby’s hat moment from last year with a nice readywear gym couples outfit.
Rihanna saw this online and thought it was cool. I’m wondering if that means she stumbled upon the DIY loofah costumes on Pinterest. She looks like she’s 400 pounds.
Ryan Adams taking his divorce with Mandy Moore well in a Canadian Tuxedo.
The Dumb and Dumber hairstyle, the hideous colored dress and matching lip. No thank you, Zendaya.
Best Dressed:
Anna Kendrick with the ever popular this season, tuxedo-no bra combo.
BeyBey with the mermaid waves and form-fitting lace gown.
Chrissy Teigen crushes red carpet looks all day erreday.
Gwen Stefani wearing the pantsuit well and also keeping up appearances for her performance (see recap).
I see you in that green velvet suit, Jesse. ❤
Jennifer Hudson’s hair is looking pretty mom-ish but damn that body! The dress fits her well and looks great.
MJ Blige with an age approps and beautiful gown.
I’m still half in half out on this one, but I think I’m leaning toward in so here it is. Meghan Trainor trying something different.
Not my favorite for Miranda but she crushes her peformance outfit so that helped her make this list. (see recap)
Normally not a hat person but Ne-Yo is lookin real smooth.
Nick Jonas with the fitted plaid suit paired with white kicks. Wish he picked different shoes but he looks real trendy.
Nicole truly looks the best I’ve seen her look in a long time. Keith doesn’t deserve to be on the best dressed because of THAT HALF UP, HALF DOWN HAIRDO. NO KEITH. NO PONIES. (He also seems pretty casj about Nicole TOWERING over him.)
Lovin on that dress on Kimberly and the sleek pony.
Hate the hair, half in on the dress. I think the sparkles distracted me. And I drank a lot of wine tonight.
Jessie J in this sheer black number is pretty classy. Never into the greasy slicked back hair.
AND THE BEST DRESSED OF THE EVENING GOES TO:
This isn’t even me being a biased Taylor super fan. This look is awesome. The dress fits well, has sass in the back, is a spicy color and the legs + purple heels just seal the deal for me. Could’ve gone without the earrings that look like ones my mom used to have that I thought were costume jewelry and she was like no these are real earrings I wear in public, but whatever. I’m not going to nitpick, it’s not really my style. 😉
Keep reading for the full 4 hours condensed into highs, lows and cat naps in my Grammy’s Recap.
I’d like to bring us all back to a magical time when the girls were taller than the boys, the hip hop was full of dirty references that sailed over our heads and grinding at a school dance was prohibited, but we did it anyway. Ah yes, the fast and loose days of middle school/high school dances, where boys become squeakier awkward boys who are unsure of hand placement and girls become rap video hoes. Here’s a playlist of the best high school dance jams of the mid-2000’s that we can now listen to while we drink alcohol, legally.
DISCLAIMER: NSFW, Includes inapprops songs & lyrics
Fun fact: My high school made national news for our “lewd and suggestive dancing” AKA grinding while I was there and it got to the point where they distributed bracelets at dances and after three strikes of getting caught writhing your bodies together, bracelets were snipped and teens were tossed. Keep that in mind as you listen to this playlist. (Also fellow FM’ers relive the article here.)
1. Golddigger-Kanye West Ft. Jamie Foxx. Hey remember when Kanye was young and unknown and had that cute little chubby face and adorbs smile? WHUT HAPPENED. This song is a classic hate on yo bitches song. She pops out a few kids and now she’s getting a weekly check from her baby daddy? UH UH, HONEY.
Best Lyric:She was supposed to buy your shorty TYCO with your money She went to the doctor got lypo with your money She walking around looking like Michael with your money (MAY HE R.I.P) Should’ve got that insured got GEICO for your money, money, money
2. Shake Ya Tailfeather-Nelly Ft. Murphy Lee & P. Diddy. The only time I would hear cop sirens at a dance is when this beat started spinning. Nelly and the Bad Boyz told me to shake my ass around in a nice bird comparison and suddenly it was classy and cool instead of inapprops. When they rapped about collecting so much grass Popo thinking they mow lawns, I actually thought they were in the landscaping biz. I wisened up around sophomore year.
Best Lyric:Is that your ass or your momma have reindeer? I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
3. Promiscuous- Nelly Furtado Ft. Timbaland. No shame, this song is still 100% my jam. My gurl Nelly going from singing folk songs about being like a bird to telling Timbaland to listen up if he wants to get laid and I respect the hell outta her hustle.
Best Lyric: I’m out of this world come with me to my planet. Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it? No Nelly, no I cannot.
4. Lean Back- Fat Joe. JOE CRACK THE DON UH. This song was one of the first that created a dance that white chicks looked real stupid doing. Please picture a group of 12 year olds standing in a circle wearing the same ribbed tanks and flared jeans all simultaneously leaning back. That’s hood right there.
Best Lyric:Listen we don’t pay admission, And bouncers don’t check us, And we walk around the metal detectors. And there really ain’t no need for a VIP section in the middle of the dance floor, Reckless, check it, said it?! That’s totally how me and my bitches would roll at the dances too, VIP for days.
5. London Bridge (Oh Shit)- Fergie. Fergie Ferg split from the Black Eyed Peas and set out to show everyone she’s still a baddddd bitchhh. She has a real knack for taking a precious children’s song and making it into a slutty anthem about dropping dem drawers. Confession time, I went to a Black Eyed Peas concert (free tix) at the same time that Fergz released this song and saw her perform it live and writhe around on stage and it was SO WORTH IT.
Best Lyric:That Grey Goose got your girl feelin loose. Now Im wishin that I didn’t wear these shoes. Story of my life, amirite ladies?
6. Mesmerize- Ja Rule Ft. Ashanti. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I would like to live in a world where Ja & Ashanti still churn out back to back fire hip-hop jams with disgusting sexual innuendos. These two were a dynamic duo and unfortunately Ja Rule had to go and get himself locked up and that pretty much ceased all MTV hip hop jams. I understand that this is more of a slow jam, but I could not in good conscience make a throwback mix without these two musical geniuses. I mean, they recreated Grease for their music video…THAT body suit.
Best Lyric:Now you street promotin the dick game is potent Cause in the bed a n**** go hard like Jordan. Ja certainly didn’t have confidence issues in the bedroom. Runner Up:I’ve got a fetish for f****ing you with your skirt on. Yes.
7. Tipsy- J-Kwon. I sincerely apologize that this isn’t the version that starts out with our boy J-Kwon lecturing that teen drinking is very bad before he declares he has a fake ID though. What a BAMF. Was this the song that started the phase of saying Errebody instead of Everybody? I hope so. Do I still use it every once and a while? Yes I do. Sue me. This is the first song (but certainly not the last) I added to this playlist where I read the lyrics and was shocked at how disgusting they were because I clearly didn’t know them in middle school.
Best Lyric: Dude I don’t care I’m a P.I.M.P. Seriously another thing I still say. I think the moral of the story here is that I need new material.
8. Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani. Punk rock girl goes rapper/badass?! Sign me up. It married my love for emo punk music and my love for spelling the word bananas. I distinctly remember this song being released before the 8th grade trip to Cleveland and the few lucky ones that had the very first iPod loaded that shit up for the bus ride there. There was a lot of headphone sharing and lapsitting (13 year old hormones) and they probably also played it on our shitty 8th grade dance cruise on some body of water in Ohio. What a killer trip.
Best Lyric: OBVIOUSLY Let me hear you say this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
9. Milkshake-Kelis. Ah the best kind of hip-hop song is about food with sexual meanings. I grew up thinking a milkshake was a nice cold beverage usually with chocolate flavor. Kelis stomped that out of my brain real quick with this song. Milkshake is now the goods, and it BRINGS DEM BOYZ. My mom recently got this song title during Christmas game night as a song that she had to hum and get us to guess…there was drinking involved and she just kept shouting GIRLS ALL AROUND to the tune of Milkshake and no one guessed it. Apparently we have very different memories of this song. Regardless my point being that even moms can get down with this sick beat.
Best Lyric:La la-la la la, Warm it up. Lala-lalala, The boys are waiting (Not a lot of substance here, Kelis.)
10. Hey Ya-Outkast. Ah another cool song that created a movement of white girls trying to learn a music video dance move. The “Shake it like a Polaroid picture” spastic motion. It was COOL, guys. No but actually Outkast WAS awesome. They could sing the stupidest lyrics and it would be legit. (Ex: Roses really smell like poo.) Anyway they made talking in a song sound smooth even though I hate it in every other song. I’ve never wanted to lend sugar to my neighbor more.
Best Lyric:Don’t want to meet your momma, just want to make you cum-a. Seriously, moms and cumming in the same sentence, Bravo sir, Bravo.
11. Yeah!- Usher Ft. Lil Jon & Ludacris. This song was a straight up dance staple. I think they played it at every dance I went to from 7th grade to 12th grade and if they ever play it in a bar I’m in it’s a surefire way to get me to do the Q-tip. Just kidding, I dance better than that. Sort of. I’m pretty proud of this song because it was the first one where I memorized an entire rapper’s cameo word for word. Luda was my boy and mostly because he rapped slow enough and enunciated so that I could keep up. He was the Drake while Drake was still Jimmy in a wheelchair at Degrassi High. That said, his entire verse in this song is still the best thing I’ve ever heard. He wins best lyric, but if I have to pick just one…
Best (Most repeatable) Lyric:We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Life goals.
12. We Be Burnin- Sean Paul. Mostly put this on so that I can remind everyone of this Jamaican accented man who put out the same song over and over and everyone still loved it so hard. He also referred to himself as Sean dah Paul. Not sure why. I learned a lot while looking through these lyrics, mostly that Sean dah Paul did not speak a lick of English. I pulled the one lyric that made the most sense to me…and that’s saying a lot.
Best Lyric:Cause the girls we be poking have to smoking. Note: Sean ain’t gonna poke ya unless you smoke, LADieZZ.
13. Overnight Celebrity-Twista. You know how Jason DeRulo claimed that he could make me famous on Instagram last year in “Wiggle”? I hate to break it to ya Jason, but Twista was the original talent scout. He didn’t have Instagram yet, but he could put you on the Soul Train Awards. Boom Roasted. Game over with me ever trying to rap along with this song. Seriously I think Twista is the fastest rapper ever. So much street cred though. Bonus points for the chick who sounds like a pterodactyl climaxing mid-song.
Best Lyric:Girl I see you, in them apple bottom jeans, Chinchilla on your back, I wanna know your name. YES. Apple. Bottom. Jeans. Wait Chinchilla? Ew.
14. Get Low- Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz. You always know it’s going to be a legit song when you’re dealing with Boyz with a Z. This song came on and all the horny and dirty little teenagers rubbed their hands together and got ready to scream “TIL THE SWEAT DRIPS DOWN MY BALLS” at the top of their lungs when the pre-approved Melvin of a DJ inevitably played the clean, over-edited version. I’m pretty sure the principal threatened to cut the song completely one night because we wouldn’t stop screaming about sweaty balls and skeet skeeting. I thank Lil Jon every day for that. I’m pretty sure this is where Jersey turnpiking also started.
Best Lyric: Lil Jon and the East side boys wit me and we all like to see ass and titties. Classic T&A. Also if we’re being honest this whole song is a best lyric. WHO comes up with that chorus?!
15. 1,2 Step-Ciara. Luckily for me I have a friend named Sierra and this song has NEVER died out. If your friendship blossoms around a time when your friend’s name is in a cool song that’s something you milk for the rest of their life. I don’t think she once entered a room in middle school without someone singing, “The Princess is here—–CIIIARRRRRAAAA.” Not a bad greeting, if you ask me. Missy Elliott may have helped out on this song but Ciara handled herself pretty well for a fresh chick to the scene. Also I just noticed this is probably the cleanest song on this playlist. You’re welcome, Adults.
Best Lyric:I eat fillet mignon, And I’m nice and young, Best believe I’m number one. Anyone who rhymes Filet Mignon wins all the awards. I miss Missy.
16. Hot in Herre- Nelly. NELLY and his DAMN piece of tape/bandaid under his eye. What a goon. I’m pretty sure most girls would dance to this by actually stripping off their zip up hoodie, so parents please feel comforted in the fact that your young daughters learned how to strip before they learned how to drive. It’s Nelly’s fault really. He condoned taking your clothes off when the temps rise. And boy did those gyms get WARM. (Side note: I had a real moral dilemma choosing between this song and Flap Your Wings because it was equally as defining a moment when Nelly taught us how to drop down and get our eagle on.)
Best Lyric:So take it off like your home alone, You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone, Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend, like “girl I think my butt gettin big” (To be clear I’ve never stared at myself naked while I’m on the phone with my friends.)
17. Lady Marmalade- Christina Aguilera, Pink, Mya, Lil Kim. Here’s the long overdue lady jam of the playlist. A bunch of divas get together and sing about getting banged in French, Moulin Rouge, style. Apparently they all hated each other but I don’t care because they tolerated each other long enough to make this song that I can wail along to with my Xtina hands in full motion. Also this is another great song that taught young girls how to act like prostitutes. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch though, adults because let’s all remember that today’s youth is listening to Nicki Minaj rap about her ladybits innaprops style while shaking her butthole on MTV. Jus sayin. We were golden compared to that.
Best Lyric:We drink wine with diamonds in the glass by the case the meaning of expensive taste. YEAH girls who get mistaken for whores drinking WINE=CLASSY.
18. In Da Club- 50 Cent. TECHNICALLY Candy Shop was more the time period of school dances for me, but In Da Club is 5000x better and will always be a classic, hope you’re cool with me picking it instead of licking 50’s lollipop. 50 Cent came out of no where and all anyone knew about him was that he got shot 9 times. What an air of mystery he had. This music video consists of him doing sit-ups upside down and bullet wounds or not, bro’s got like an 18-pack. Anyway, this one glorious song opened the door for dorky dads to say “Go shorty, it’s your birthday” for the rest of time.
Best Lyric:Been hit wit a few shells but I don’t walk wit a limp.- A few? NINE.
19. Don’t Cha- Pussycat Dolls Ft. Busta Rhymes. Ah, I bet you thought you would snake on through this playlist without PCD, but I HAD to. Yeah they’re a bunch of glorified strippers who were put together as a girl group with one actual talented singer, but THEY WERE THE VOICES OF OUR GENERATION. Just kidding. They popped out good dance jams and were obviously feminists. (Ex: Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?) True life, I never wanted anything more than I wanted a PCD hoodie with the cool words written over the top of the hood.
Best Lyric:Tryna put it on me till my balls black an blueish. Hey Busta, let’s cool it with the visuals for a second.
20. My Love- Justin Timberlake Ft. T.I. AHHHHHHH JT
Best Lyric:(Trust me) You don’t really wanna let the chance go by ’cause you ain’t been seen wit a man so fly. TRUTH. Who turns down JT? There is no flyer man.
Whether you listen to this playlist while you’re boozin or running, never forget that you once gyrated to each song in a dark gym or cafeteria with lame streamers hanging from the walls and the smell of sweaty teens wafting through the air. You’re welcome.
Since it’s Thursday I thought it would be an approps time to throw it back to the years when I pretended that I lived in Tree Hill, North Carolina and was friends with a bunch of cool kids who got married, started clothing labels, became touring singers and had babies in high school. Obviously this show was the most realistic it could have been and that’s why it holds a special place in my heart and I hope many* of yours too. (*could be an exaggeration) There’s no better way to share my love for One Tree Hill than through a mix tape of the best songs from seasons 1-9 and obviously I’ve accompanied each song with commentary and back story so that you can relive all of the drama and all of the feels. I realize that this was really Peyton of me to make a mixtape and I can assure you that while there may be some downers on this mix, I tried to keep them at minimum.
When The Stars Go Blue-Haley James & Chris Keller (OR Bethany Joy Lenz & Tyler Hilton). I hate to start you off with the song that sparked the ALMOST Naley annulment but we needed to address the tough stuff right away. These two sound fab togets but obv Chris couldn’t keep his hands home and had to go and ruin everything for half of the series…glad he was able to make his triumphant comeback in Season 9 though, no hard feelsies.
Non-Believer-La Rocca. Let me just preface this by saying that I started out making this with every intention of keeping the songs in order so you could properly relive their story, but it just didn’t flow the way it should have. So we’re going to do some jumping around. This was one of those supes dramats songs that Peyton was all “music heals everything and makes it better”. I’m pretty sure she whipped this one out when Hayles was casj in a coma while 8 months preggo after Nathan sacrificed her for some point shavinz. It’s included because it’s actually a rare upbeat choice from Ms. Sawyer…the rest made me want to slit my wrists.
The Funeral-Band of Horses. This jam is off one of the offish. soundtracks that I actually bought in CD form back in the day when people purchased CD’s, so you know it’s an OTH classic. It can have some downer tones, but I tried my hardest to only have a couple depressing songs on this mix and try to keep it surprisingly upbeat for a show that had casj school shootings/murders and pro athletes in wheelchairs with mullets. I’m pretty sure the funeral was used a couple different times, no doubt over some dramats scenes with Lucas quoting a book.
Let Me Fall-Bethany Joy Lenz. This one is added SOLELY for some lawlerskate times. Remember back in the day when Limewire was the way to get music, right around the time of AIM? Yeah I wanted this song but since she never recorded it officially, my only option was directly from the show. So TBT to this episode, you’ll know EXACTLY what’s going on because each person blabs during Haley’s performance…like have a little respect guys, it’s her first time singing in public and she’s being a baby bitch about it. Enjoy.
World Spins Madly On-The Weepies. Another sadsie. But I just made you laugh so it’s ok…I planned that, obv. This one plays after Peyton finds Ellie dead, which is a real buzzkill considering the episode it happens in was a fire flames one. Basically everyone gets back together during the storm and bangs and then Peyton goes and ruins everything by having her birth mom die and bringing her their mixtape that they made togets. Damn you, Peyton.
Halo-Haley James Scott. (Not Kidding that’s exactly how they wrote it on the CD.) OTH got real savvy with their mixes that they released every season and this one was the actual mixtape that Peyton produced with previously mentioned dead mom, further blurring reality and TV, which obviously just made me feel like I was actually a part of Tree Hill more than is normal. But this is by FAR Hale’s best jam. Even Nathan was like k cool this is good let’s stay married. He didn’t want to be hitched to a one-hit wonder probably.
Someday-Bryan Greenberg. Such an underrated character/storyline. Jake & Peyton were a whiny/we have adult problems at 16 match made in heaven. And of course she was like btw I dream about Lucas and probably love him or something. I still don’t understand how she could make that declaration AFTER he performed this song for her live, confessing his love. Also legit great song, I actually wish he was a musician more than an actor.
Babe I’m Gonna Leave You-Led Zeppelin. This is an actual hardcore throwback. Back to the days when Den had a mullet and was in a band called Zipper. (WOOF). This is a generally good song, but I also cannot listen to it without thinking of Nathan, Rachel & Cooper being immersed in the river with Haley in her wedding dress wailing at the top of the bridge. AND THEN THE CRACKER JACK BRACELET SURFACES IN THE WATER. At that point in time, I DIDN’T KNOW IF NATHAN WOULD MAKE IT. Okay, I need to stop…too many feels. Classic rock magic.
Feel This-Bethany Joy Galeotti Ft. Enation. Ok now we’re in the days where Jamie is a cutie little bear & not an actual large bear with braces, obviously we’re doing our best not to mention Jimmy Jam because he should’ve stayed a baby forever instead of ruining the series. Hales is all, I wanna be a mom and a teacher and also a pop star. And Nathan’s all go for your dreams because I can walk now and I will be a pro athlete again and pretend I never had a mullet or paralysis. So she starts recording again, a little weirder stuff, but still ok. Everything after this should be forgotten because that’s when she starts singing about spaceships or something. This should’ve been her retirement song.
No Good-Kate Voegele. Speaking of Hales going pop star, Kate (or Mia in the show) was the one who gave her the inspiration. The weirdo with a hoodie in a band with gangstah Kevin Federline. Since the show basically brought her fame, every single song she recorded was also featured on OTH. I chose this one because it’s a good FU song for when you’re feeling feisty. Mia performed it for the first time and was being a pussybitch about it but then saw that wigga KFed was there and decided to deliver him a cold serving of I’m onstage and you’re not. YOU’RE NO GOOD KFAT.
Wedding Dress-Matt Nathanson. Hey remember when they teased at Peyton dying a bunch of times before deciding the best way to write her out would be to just have her drive away? Kewl guys. This was death scare number 2 in season 6. Her and Lucas FINALLY got married and they’re being all adorbsies when ALL OF THE SUDDEN Peyton starts bleeding out all over her wedding gown. Always with the dramatics, Peyton. She died for just enough time for everyone to cry about it. Then lived and had a healthy 2 year old baby. Pretty realistic.
Within You-Ray LaMontagne. Sad song again. It’s been a while though so I thought it was time. This was played a couple times that were boo-hootastic. First was when Brooke dumps Lucas after the grand Naley wedding/drownfest. She was so mature and was like hey by the way peace out because you can’t keep your eyes or your mouth off my BFF. It was kind of sad but more so annoying. Who cheats on Brooke? Honestly. Second time was when they had graduated and they all left their lame HS house party to play basketball at the river court and deface public property with graffiti. Jk. This was actually kind of sad because it was HIGH SCHOOL graduation and one of them was already going home early to check on her fresh baby. “We’ll always be friends, I know it. In four years we’ll be back here together.”-Brooke (or the writers, guaranteeing a 5th season).
Whiskey-Jana Kramer. I can’t believe I made you wait this long for our fave little cutter-slut Alex Dupre. This was when she decided to be a good person and show everyone she’s also a country singer. She performed this at Tric in a sparkly mini skirt and won Tree Hill’s hearts back. What a gem she was.
Half Moon-Blind Pilot. This was played in the series finale when they were flashing back to the HS days and reflecting on their choices. They were SO old and wise by the end of the series…oh wait they were all roughly OUR AGE and married with kids. Crushing young adult life.
Almost Everything-Wakey!Wakey!. Another band that OTH incorporated into the show and then played every one of their songs. I don’t hate it. In fact I had quite the difficult time picking the right one for this mix because I really dig them all. So this band was Grubbs the bartender in the show who miraculously had singing talent and would only record if he could also bang the British record lady. ADORBZ. Most of his songs were played in the season 7 finale when Haley is just peeking out of her creepy depression after her mom died. Not to be insensitive, but she set her piano on fire…So this song is happy because she’s like trying to smile and not drown herself and they’re all in Utah having some happy snow times.
The Good Kind-The Wreckers. Here we are throwing it back again to season 2 when Haley chooses music over Nathan (sob) and tours with The Wreckers. Also always thought it was random nation that Michelle Branch was popping up in epis of OTH. Haley fangirls all over them and they’re like Haley you’re actually so talented and she’s like really? Ok I’ll leave my husband and tour with you guys then! And they’re like we didn’t offer. JK they did. Whatevs. #StillBitter.
I Want Something That I Want-Grace Potter & Bethany Joy Galeotti. When Haley first starts thinking about music again post-Jamie and Nathan’s dead legs miraculous recovery, she’s like I don’t even know if I’m good anymore wah wah I miss singing for fun. And so she randomly shows up at a park and starts singing with this street performer broad. And they start playing the same song and harmonizing as if they’ve practiced or something. And that’s how Haley James Scott got her groove back.
Loaded Gun-Tyler Hilton. There’s a million Chris Keller songs to pick from but I wanted music from the funny/dum dum Chris Keller that we actually liked from the last season rather than homewrecker/douchebag Chris Keller from the first 3 seasons. He rocks this one out at Tric when he’s trying to impress a label exec and stick it to her. This is before he saves Nathan from Russian ‘nappers. What a bossman.
Us Against The World-Coldplay. Whoops last sappy song I promise. This is the song they play when Dan dies and has a fake(? Still unsure about that one) conversation with Nathan at the river court and they forgive each other and it gets really dusty in the room and a piece gets stuck in my eye and it starts to maybe water a little bit. Then Keith comes back and picks up Danny and they carpool to heaven (Keith gives Dan a guest pass I’m assuming). So like yeah, it’s sad and stuff but when you think about how weird it was it’s not too bad. Also he was a murderer so let’s not casj let that one slide by.
Solder-Gavin DeGraw. I could’ve easily taken the cheap route and put the theme song last but honestly I know you’ve heard it 70000 times and we can all agree that season 7’s hipster variations of it each episode essentially ruined it for me. So I chose this one because it was in the series finale when Gavs came back for a Tric appearance and Haley sounded like a circus announcer (never forget). It’s a sweet song & I wanted to end this debauchery down memory lane on a sweet note, so there you have it.
There is only one Tree Hill, & it’s your home.
it’s fictional.
Even though it’s fictional DOES not mean it didn’t give us lots of feels, which is why I’m not ashamed to have given you this mix. Play it on repeat, always……………………….and forever.
Obviously everyone knows that the stars aligned and Taylor Swift turned 25 on 12/13/14 and coincidentally threw the banger of the century with celeb crowds better than any awards show. (Mostly because Snapchat forced everyone to know, making a cat cartoon filter for every picture snapped on this holy day.) Everybody who is ANYBODY was at Tay’s party, as evident in the slur of photos below that gave me a real outrageous amount of FOMO on Saturday morning. The biggest shocker wasn’t the fact that Mr. King of Pop JT graced this little shindig with his presence but The King and Queen themselves also showed up. WHAT is that you say? The two most anti-social, royal subjects of Hollywood settled and hob-nobbed with T Swift and a bunch of commoners for her 25th? I was just as shocked as you, obviously.
Since this happened over the weekend while everyone was enjoying their regular normal people activities I was going to let it slide without a specific blog…but then JT had his Brooklyn concert last night and the popular crowd reunited and I just couldn’t stand by and watch this silently for one more second. It appears that Queen B and her man didn’t just show up to Taylor’s party as a charity write-off…Bey and Tay are now besties who dance togets at JT concerts. These two have united and prepare yourself for a slaying because no one knows what could happen next. A secret joint release? A music video with dorky vs. queen twerk-offs? Tay babysitting Blue? The sky is the limit people–brace yourselves for a takeover.
VS. 
(jus sayin)
The Salty Ju 