RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Just A Scratch”

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We start off this week back at the scene of the crime. There’s a chalked out figure at the bottom of Eileen’s marble stairs in the Haunted Mansion. Just kidding, Kyle peeled herself off of the floor, leaving a residue of spray tan and popped back in for round 2 with Brandi. The limp slice of pizza stays stuck to the ground and it seems to be Kim’s main concern. Before asking about Kyle, Kim urgently inquires, “Where’s my pizza?” Brandi barks that she threw it on the ground and seriously what a waste of a good slice. These bitches have a full time housekeeping staff I think it’s safe to say they have floors you could eat off of. But anyway, I’m getting hangry and off topic.

Kyle is in hysterics and keeps demanding to talk to her sister, telling Brandi to see herself out because she’s certainly not family and also she hurt Kyle’s finger beyond repair. The scuffle pours out into the driveway and our moderator of the evening who couldn’t hack it at his job, Vincent, peers out from the garage window and his expression looks like he’s seen the front lines of a battle. There’s bloodshed everywhere—Brandi has Kyle pinned against the garage showing her ghetto side and Vincent may never recover from what he saw. Pills babbles on about how her BFF is in a WWF Smackdown with her sister and she’s suuuuper conflicted. Kyle gives up and storms off… to sit in the driveway in a limo, waiting for a carpool buddy. Rinna takes one for the team and hops in with Kyle. The whole way home Rinna tells Kyle that she thinks Boozy & Pills are a couple of addicts and need to get to rehab, stat. I’m no expert but I’m gonna bet that this single clip comes back to bite Rinna in those juicy lips at the reunion.

Eileen dissects the worst party ever that ended in severe injuries (an owie finger and an arm scratch) with Vincent the magenta crayon. Eileen rationalizes sisters getting in scraps when they’re younger but when they’re grown ass women it’s just unacceptable. Vincent the naïve little doe goes “Can’t we all just get along?” As he has murderous PTSD flashbacks of Kyle restrained at the garage and Kim screeching like a banshee. No, baby Vincent, we cannot all get along; otherwise the entire Bravo network would cease to exist.

Back in the BH, our fair icy Queen has returned from vacay to the land of poker night fist fights and sits upon a throne surrounded by her toy dogs awaiting the arrival of Rumpy. (Who is no longer a little fluffy puppy.) Apparently they sent him away for several months because he wouldn’t stop eating Lisa’s custom-made pastel silk shirts. Rumpy comes back with a girlfriend, Avery, who Lisa points out several times is fat as shit. This dog will be on a diet within the week but damnit does all this puppy playtime put a smile on my face. Lisa essentially runs a kennel now and fingers crossed some of her little fur-less yippers that create nightmares for me are edged out of the estate by Rumpy and GF, Hunger Games style.

Later on, the girls all get ready for Rinna’s charity jewelry party. It’s important to Rinna that it be the best party ever otherwise she’ll feel like a complete garbage can failure at life. Eileen goes over to Lisa’s estate and must get past the guard swans to get in. She passes the test without mutilation by a creature named Hanky and they dissect the boozy/pills rumble together and look at Lisa’s closet. Eileen asks if Lisa ever struts around naked with heels in her massive closet and Lisa’s like but of course, so Eileen offers her knucks. Lisa has no clue what that is, probably because it was a phrase used in 2001. Eileen is totally the chick who still calls stuff “bitchin”.

Kyle talks to Mauricio in depth about Kim being in the hospital and knows absolutely nothing about what is wrong with her or why she’s there. So GO FIND OUT KYLE, GAWD YOU’RE SO USELESS. Instead she gets ready for the jewelry party. Yo comes over wearing jean capris and a tube top with matching cardigan tied around her neck. She is literally the picture of casual perfection while Kyle does her hair like it’s the Oscars and has a tight club dress on. It’s a jewelry party, Kyle, T it down. Yo hears the story from the night before and is shocked to hear that grown women with children are getting into a physical fight. I’m guessing that Yo is not a fan of Mob Wives.

It’s Lia Sophia/Silpada/Stella & Dot Party Time!!!! Denise Richards is at the party, I’m assuming to audition for next season’s cast (a replacement for Eileen obv). She chats with Lisa because they both have dogs and Lisa brings up Charlie Sheen. Sheen and Lisa’s cars both got stolen at the same time and driven off a cliff. Cool story, Lisa.

Yo takes B aside and tells her maybe she should stop getting slob kebab drunk at every party and there won’t be brawls. Brandi says she can do whatever the fahk she wants. Eileen follows Yo in this lecturefest and tells B that she was offended by the comments Brandi made about her house being similar to the attic of Beetlejuice and also her incessant cursing. Brandi half-asses an apology, not looking Eileen in her eyes and bounces outta there right quick. These two really have a blossoming friendship.

Kyle talks about her upcoming party for the gays, because in Hollywood every event is solely for each lady to hawk their NEXT event. Kyle pretends to be cheeky and says on the invite, “bring your tops and bottoms–and I don’t mean your bikinis.” Rinna quite literally has no idea what this means. She tries to work it out and still hasn’t caught on to the dirty joke. It’s real embarrassing and such a Yolanda thing to do. Rinna feels as though she’s let down her gays, which she obviously has by not understanding a simple sex joke. (Can you tell this was an uneventful episode after the hoedown throwdown? Cause it really was.)

The episode ends on a meeting of new allies, Kyle and Lisa grab dinner to scheme about their mutual hate for Brandi. Kyle admits that she doesn’t trust Brandi anymore and feels she deserves an apology. Lisa then uses her powers of mood control to convince Kyle that they’re on the same page with Brandi and a flag is raised for Team Klisa. Good luck B-dawgs, you’re working against a united front now, and the newbies will be swooped up in due time as well. A new battle is coming and I can only hope it’s at a tennis party that Vincent & Eileen throw so that there will be soaring balls involved.

Best Quote of the night: Eileen- “Oh shut up, how about a little Neosporin? Get a grip, I’m going over there.” Eileen giving 0.0 F’s about this world star hip hop video developing in her driveway. Oh her bracelet jabbed you? RUB SOME DIRT IN IT.

Most Humbling Moment of the night: Yo, the woman who has her vitamins delivered to her in an individual baggie by her maid every morning, doesn’t know how to work Face Time and it’s adorbsies.

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