This week on Keeping up with the Kardashians, err sorry; Cinderella crossover event, shit I mean, The Bachelor…KardASHLEY steals the show as a one-woman crying princess virgin and we are forced to watch a bunch of previews of the new Cinderella movie.

Group Date #1-Natty Ice on the Lake

The first group date is described with “Lets do what feels natural,” so obviously KardASHLEY fixes her weave and puts on a crop top that shows her fake D cups underboob style, you know, just really natural. Chris brings the girls to a lake. I know this because Chris says, “Well obviously we’re at a lake,” as he squints at the ladies and tries to remember how it is he got there.

Kardashley wants to find a way to break out of her shyness so she sheds her cut-off jean shorts that are getting lost in her lady bits, strips her Americana bikini top off and jumps in, Kaitlyn quickly follows suit (pun intended) by dropping her bottoms and showing everyone her buhhole. Kelsey is over this date and wants to stab her eyes out…hey Kelsey, try watching this show every week for two hours. ZING. Kelsey loves Lake Michigan and not trashy lakes with skinny dippin hoes.

The surprise of the day comes when Chris announces, WE’RE CAMPING, GUYS AND ALL YOU HAVE WITH YOU ARE YOUR SKIMPY BIKINIS. (Just kidding, production gives them a change of clothes and what a shame that is.) They all gather round the campfire and sing kumbaya. If kumbaya means passing around a bottle of fireball and talking shit about whoever has “stolen” Chris for a minute. Kelsey puts on a front for Chris and everyone plots to drag her tent into the lake in the middle of the night for her to ironically drown amidst the dirty water. Chris dresses up like a bear and shakes the tents. (StEEEVEEENNNN) I mean, Chris puts an avengers mask on and screams and all the girls are like, “Oh, hey, Chris.

Our resident LoonyToon OP goes on another tangent, as she’s known to do when the moon is full and she’s outdoors. She whispers worldly questions like, “What are you?” and then reveals it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters in OP’s world, except her prescription meds. The girls try to save Chris from OP using his skin as a blanket to keep warm in her tent. Kardashley only wore a bikini but miraculously has 3 different lipsticks she keeps applying. They make out (KardASHLEY still kisses like a virgin) and she tells Chris she has a crush on him and always feels like she has a unibrow around him, instead of perfectly painted on brows. Chris sleeps with his tent open so that someone can come in and accidentally fall onto his dick. Since Chris is dead asleep, Kardashley feels it’s a good time to tell him she’s pure and wife material. These girls have such a sense of timing. Chris is a moron and doesn’t understand that Ashley still has a hymen but pretends to anyway. Oh and Kaitlyn gets a rose.

Sister Wives

Back at the ranch, Chris’s sisters arrive to interview the ladies and review their resumes full of extracurriculars and no actual work experience to pick the right date for their brother. Jillian wastes no time introducing these three Iowa-bred ladies to what a black bar censor is for. When asked what she does, Jade replies, “I model for like a website for clothing.” Is that what they’re calling porn these days, Jade? You learn something new every day. Carly cries and says men aren’t nice to her or something. Jade must’ve won them over with her career choices and gets a date fit for a princess.

Kardashley is the biggest jelly belly in America that Jade won and gives a solid campaign as to why she’s actually a princess. Cause people call her one, duh. A lady with fluffy pink hair and Edna’s glasses from the Incredibles charges into the house and shouts JADEEEE in an ear-shattering voice. She has come to make Jade into Cinderella obviously. Today’s Cinderella wears Loubs and diamond earrings and Jade gets to keep it all in addition to a glass full of Kardashley’s tears to quench her princess thirst. Jade wears a paisley dress, over the top diamond strands and braided bun to the ball and she honestly looked better in her bikini and stilettos last week. There’s a lot of not so sly cross-promotion of the new Cinderella movie.

Jade’s Royal Ball

Chris practices his ballroom dancing by himself like a tool while also tearing up that he’s a prince. Bro, dreaming about fairytales is for chicks, grow a pair. The conversation flows nicely. Chris asks, “What do you do here?” and Jade replies, “I was engaged once before.” Nailed it. Jade & Chris nod like bobbleheads at every word each other says. The weatherman of Boston cuts in just in the nick of time to make sure I don’t have to listen to Chris make a rose speech tonight. I’m assuming Jade gets it cause then they’re dancing. HEY WE GET IT, CINDERELLA IS COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU. Jade has a hard time separating reality from a film…we’re dancing and they’re dancing and we’re all together dancing, she muses like a organic makeup creating philosopher. A midnight curfew stops Jade from getting porked right there in her ball gown.

Meanwhile, Kardashley can’t let it the F go that she didn’t get a princess date. She eats corn by herself in her princess dress and a full face of makeup. What goes better with corn than champagne? Kardashley is the limp rose that needs more water.

Group Date #2-None of These Women Should be Wearing White

They all get tacky wedding dresses and go to San Francisco. Jillian looks like a pig wearing lipstick and wedge sneakers. The gals are doing a “muckfest” for MS, so like it’s not for our entertainment, it’s for charity. Jillian takes a dump on everyone else in the competition and most of them quit after they hit the mud for the first time. Carly asks a valid question when she wonders if Jillian’s dick is bigger than Chris’s. I for one hope we never find out. Chris lifts Jillian after she wins and I was floored that she didn’t lift him first.

Jillian’s Skyline Yapfest

Jillian & Chris enjoy a romantic evening together. By the looks of Chris’s face when Jillian is talking, he is holding in several farts. Chris can’t comprehend her muscle talk so he thinks about unicorns and stuff. Side note: ARE WE SURE CHRIS IS STRAIGHT? DID WE CHECK ON THAT? (Flashback to Chris revealing he’s touchy feely earlier and crying over being a prince…) Anyway, Jillian is still motor mouthing about her dad/her muscles and doesn’t know how a “would you rather” works and gives Chris a really shitty one about homeless people sex and Chris in turn doesn’t give her a rose. Learn a better Would You Rather, Jillian. I’ve got one- Would you rather have scissors for hands or rollerblades for feet. Boom, roasted. I get the rose.

Social

Helmet Megan blindfolds Chris 50 shades style and brings out a tray of food. She doesn’t know what any of the 5 senses are, Chris makes out with her anyway. Kardashley is still yapping about her virginity. She tells Chris because he didn’t know what the F she was talking about in the tent. He’s all wow, no one would ever guess that because you dress like that and made me rub your magic lamp belly ring. He licks his lips in anticipation of deflowering her in the fantasy suite. KardASHLEY cries about it anyway. Becca is also a virgin except she didn’t plaster it on a billboard on the 405 and shed tears over it. For that only, I want to chest bump Becca. Do you, girl.

Britt calls Chris out for rewarding Kaitlyn’s T&A with a rose. Chris babbles and stammers much like he does any time someone asks him a real question and then storms off like a teenage girl. All Chris really needed to do was ask Britt why her body is always wrapped around another girl in the house. It’s starting to get weird. But instead…“If any of you think I’m not here to meet my wife, you can SEE YOURSELF OUT,”-dramatic, emo Chris declares to the biddies before the Rose ceremony.

Roses: Kaitlyn, Jade, Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Kardashley, Britt

It’s the end of an era of bat-shit crazy as OP darts out of the house and declares that she feels nothing. That’s exactly what I feared. She swipes an onion pomegranate for the road, and old times sake. We also bid farewell to Juelia and I will never ever miss typing out my name with an extra vowel. Good riddance Extra E.

Best Quotes-

“I like really love you-I hope that resonates with your mind tonight.”-OP hallucinating on horse tranquilizers and declaring jungle love for Chris.

“He can probe at that area later on if he wants”-Ashley describing her chat with Chris in the tent OR describing how she wishes to lose her virginity?

“I want him to be like my grandpa”-Carly about wanting to give Chris sponge baths and wash his dentures.

“I had balls swinging at my face and one of them knocked into me.”-Becca, the OTHER virgin, who’s afraid of ballz

Go forth my bachelorites and never forget the necklace in any of your future endeavors.