RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Wack-A-Doodle Time”

Oh, the State of the Union Address from our president was on last night? Well you know what, knowing about world issues is for squares because instead of being informed of news and politics, I was enlightened on how middle aged women groom their bikini areas, or don’t groom—I’m lookin at you, Rinna. Same difference, really.

Kyle organizes a spa day in Santa Barbara to get away from the stress of taking her kid to college and being on family vacation. I fully expect Kyle to start singing “What’s Left of Me” by Nick Lachey as she recounts to Eileen how she dropped off Alexia and now half of her is missing. The gals take a windowless rape van to spa day and talk about their pubic hair en route. Insert Kim’s terrible joke about Harry liking it Hairy. Oh, KIM. Brandi assumes that Lisa doesn’t do her own bikini trimming, she makes Rosia do it. And you know what? She’s probably right.

“I’m a pamper whore,” Rinna confesses before she laughs like a cartoon character and I’ve finally figured out that she IS Kristen Wiig’s parody of Kathie Lee Gifford with less wine. That’s been bothering me for weeks and I’m glad I finally made the connection. Thanks for helping me work through that, guys. Anyway they manage to all get massages without fighting and only a few anal jokes from Brandi and they’re off to a wine tasting that Kyle thought was just a wine pairing, not a tasting (what’s the difference?) and now feels terrible that Kim has to watch everyone “taste” five glasses of wine and not be allowed to stick a straw in Brandi’s nearly empty glass for a quick sippy. Kim takes this time to reassure everyone she’s fine while simultaneously making a bunch of wine jokes like this is her own personal shitty reformed alcoholic comedy show. I assume this is the punishment these girls must face for drinking in front of her. On the rape van ride back, the girls divulge their secret fantasies. Kyle reveals that she wants to be a stripper professionally and the limo screeches to a halt, Brandi’s fake boob is dislodged, Rinna’s face hits the window, slides down the glass and still doesn’t move a muscle and Lisa shouts in the most surprised tone she could muster, “YOU WANT TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION? THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION, KYLE.” Did that really happen? Probably not, but it was really brave of Kyle to share that secret need for people’s eyes on her anyway. Brandi is feeling the courage being passed around so she includes her fantasy of catching her guy banging someone else from behind and suddenly the safe space has closed up and there’s a padlock on the door because everyone looks at her with disgust and tells her she’s a pervert. This basically sums up how all teenage slumber parties go. It’s all fun and games until someone reveals a little too much, then you’re sitting in the lunchroom alone.

Eileen is hosting a poker night because these women can only throw parties that cater to their husband’s talents/interests…(i.e. sing along dinner parties at the Foster home.) For those of you that have forgotten, Eileen’s husband Vincent hosts the world poker tournament or something. Miss Ice “My Maid Gives Me A Bikini Wax” Queen is conveniently on vacation and can’t make the tournament. For anyone whose still not keeping track, Lisa plans things so that she doesn’t have to lower herself to show up to these commoner events. I for one am thankful, because we don’t have to see Brandi and Lisa interact any more than a little pube talk from earlier.

Vincent is dressed in a vibrant magenta button down shirt and will be the moderator of the evening, and I don’t think he’s been to enough drunk tank parties with these ladies to realize just how serious his job will be. He’ll learn soon enough.

The ladies pair off to carpool so that I have more material for my recap, which was truly generous of them. Kim rides in with Rinna and immediately everyone on this planet knows she’s on something because Kim does not hide sloppiness well. Rinna asks her how she is and she just keeps repeating/slurring the word “Ornery”. Full disclosure, because I feel like this is a safe space and we’re all friends, I had to look that word up. Believe me, no one is more disappointed in me than myself that Kim Richards has a better vocabulary than me. Thank God they added closed caption for her incoherent chatter or I wouldn’t even be able to spell it. For the record, if anyone is asking for a friend what it means, it’s defined as ugly and unpleasant disposition/temper or in laymen’s terms: how Kim is acting for the entire evening. But anyway let’s not skip ahead just yet. I didn’t think any limo ride could get worse than the group “you tell your secret if I tell a secret” from earlier but boy it did. Kim talks about how lonely she’s feeling now that her dying ex-husband Monty disappeared (probably to go to Vegas) and no one should feel bad for him, everyone should feel bad for her. Number one lesson in taking care of a sick person. All the sympathy should be with the caregiver, obv. Kim then decides she should maybe start acting again and chooses that very moment to start practicing for the role of drugged out murderous bitch. She nails the part if we’re being honest, glaring at Rinna and calling her disgusting over and over and then telling her to F off. At one point Rinna almost breaks a window and tucks her elbows in to roll out of the moving vehicle like she’s escaping abduction. But alas, they arrive at Eileen’s warm and welcoming American Psycho meets Antique Roadshow home.

The tourney begins and I applaud the producers for suddenly turning a bunch of ladies wearing designer dresses to a game night into cigar smoking bad bitches ready to throw down. Vincent deserves all of the awards in the world for his efforts to teach a bunch of drunk idiots the game of poker. What he quickly learns is that they all have great poker faces because Botox. At the stroke of first call, Brandi rears her ugly alter ego of Boozy Brandi and starts calling all the actresses dumb because they suck at poker and don’t understand what’s going on. Kim peels her head off the table long enough to secure a win and suddenly she’s filled with the youthful energy of Brandi’s last bang buddy. Kim celebrates her and Brandi’s win by doing laps around the house, throwing streamers and setting off fireworks then looks at Kyle and SNEERS, “you jealous we won?” This should’ve been the point where the producers intervened and put baby Kimmy to bed, but obviously the show must go on so that we can watch this train wreck with horror and never look away. Vincent continues to talk to the ladies like he’s reading a storybook to a bunch of restless kindergarteners at the library and they continue to snarl at each other. Brandi then wins the whole tournament and her acceptance speech consists of “I’m the only non-actress here and you’re all stupid.” Mic drop. (Or in this case, award drop).

At the climax of this very realistic portrayal of what I imagine the Real Housewives of Vegas would look like, if it existed, Kyle and Kim go into the bathroom and Kim finally spills the beans, or the pills, that Dr. Monty apparently administered to her for some pain she’s been having. Apparently even on his deathbed Monty can still be an enabler and write a few prescriptions for his recovering addict of an ex-wife. Kim then gets a little sense that maybe she should kick rocks because this poker party is turning into an after school special and Brandi offers to walk her out. Boozy Brandi tells Kim she knows EXACTLY what she’s going through and then latches her talons into Kim’s arm and says that she’ll walk Kim around like a mannequin to say goodbye to everyone so she doesn’t cause any more trouble. At this point I’m having a hard time figuring out whom this tactic is protecting more…Boozy or Pills? Regardless, Kyle tries to get through the human shield that is Boozy so she can talk to Pills and Kyle gets a little too pushy which sets off Boozy who lays a haymaker on Kyle and basically throws her down Eileen’s antique stairs. WILL KYLE SURVIVE THE FALL? Find out next week on an all-new Street Fighters of Beverly Hills. Tough stuff, lesson learned. What’s the lesson to take away, you ask? Don’t call actresses dumb.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- The One Where Jimmy Kimmel Makes it Watchable

*DISCLAIMER: I’d like to apologize for spelling Kaitlyn’s name wrong for my last recap and possibly the one before that. I’m far to concerned with remembering the extraneous E in Julia to focus on Kaitlyn but I lost some sleep over it so it’s RIGHT now.

The episode begins with Jimmy Kimmel being Chris’s wakeup call and although the room is dark we have a single spotlight shining on his six pack as he arises from bed and his sheets artfully cover his morning wood because he was obviously awoken from a dream about rubbing KardASHLEY’s magic lamp.

Jimmy surprises the girls who he refers to as the sister wives, and it becomes clear that I will have a partner in poking fun of these dum dums because Jimmy is taking over this episode and no one is safe from his sarcasm. He also introduces the “Amazing” jar for whoever slips and says it. (Read: Everyone.)

Kaitlyn Date

Kaitlyn wins the first date with Chris and is promised hor d’oeuvres, high ceilings and an amazing view. They’re taken to Costco and Chris is dressed for a salsa dancing class in a purple button down with the top 4 buttons undone so this is a nice twist. Kaitlyn is dressed like Khloe Kardashian with a flannel tied around her waist (did she clear this outfit by KardASHLEY?) They’re shocked that their date is to go grocery shopping like REGULAR couples do. Ugh. So they roll down the aisles of Costco in an inflatable hamster wheel that I’ve decided I NEED. I also will need some children to push me around in it like Chris and Kaitlyn had, child labor on TV style. They make out in the hamster ball, obv. Kids—shield your eyes. Then these two little hamsters get some food and folding tables fit for a trailer park BBQ to make Jimmy dinner. Once they return to Chris’s house they get cooking. By cooking, I mean Chris does all the work and Kaitlyn pours the whiskey. Live look into the teamwork that this relationship is/will be. While swigging their bourbon and cuddling, the two discover that Chris has a little bitch laugh and Kaitlyn has a man’s laugh. In related news, I’ve decided that I hate Chris’s laugh and I hear it WAY too much because he laughs when he’s uncomfortable, usually after he’s made out with someone. And I think we ALL know how often he’s been in that position. Speaking of, Jimmy shows up while Chris and Kaitlyn are feasting on each other’s faces. During dinner, Jimmy asks the hard hitting questions that we’ve all been wondering, like how will you feel when you find out that Chris has taken several ladies to Penetration Land aka the Fantasy Suite. Kaitlyn earns a rose by saying that she won’t mind because you have to test drive the car before you buy it. Kaitlyn is diving HARD for the I’m a bro and love casual sex award, we’ll see if this pays off in the end.

Group Date

The theme of our first group date of the night is working on a farm, Napoleon Dynamite, Jimmy Kimmel style. Jillian, the walking black box censor, kicks off the competition with a serious case of ‘roid rage on some undeserving ears of corn. Since her ass is perpetually on display, the goat Jillian tries to milk next is too afraid of how hairy it is and won’t produce any milk for her. Carly the cruise ship singer on the other hand, gets her some goats milk STAT and tells us that she’s lactose intolerant right before she chugs it. YEEHAWWW get this girl a diaper QUICK. Jillian finally wrangles her goat and is hot on Carly’s tail so she decides to jump the pig fence to get ahead and of course they show this jump in slow motion and it’s just as glorious as when Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez laced up his new PF Flyers and jumped the Beast’s fence, except with a lot more ass crack. Our girl Carly wrangles a pig first and gets the W and I’m hoping she gets to a bathroom before that warm milk sloshing in her stomach turns into a real shit storm. Before she can, however, Jimmy has Chris pose with her for an American Gothic portrait and Jimmy also has to explain to all the ladies what this famous painting actually is and I’m assuming flash cards are involved.

After the competition, Chris slobbers on a bunch of girls to the ominous and creepy soundtrack of Anastasia or something. Mackenzie, the brightest dental assistant in the group of unemployed and aspiring makeup design technicians, comes right out and asks Chris why he’s kissing everyone else and not just her? Although it’s a valid question to ask why Chris insists on shaking hands with his mouth before he even chats with a girl, Mackenzie, the one who tallies their kisses in a diary, wasn’t exactly the right person to call him out for it. Chris clears his throat a lot in response and doesn’t have a good reason, when really he could’ve just told Mackenzie to go shave her back now and I would’ve been satisfied (or not given her a rose). Becca stands out in the group of hungry Barbies and gives Chris some cheek (not the kind that Jillian is giving) because she doesn’t want to catch the herps that everyone’s swapping around. And he’s like no it’s cool I have to work for it, which obviously means giving her a rose so that he can get to know her tonsils.

Whitney Date

Whitney calls her one on one date with Chris a “formal date”, yet she shows up in a jean vest over a hot pink 8^th grade shelf bra cami from Limited Too with white jeans and a necklace made of pooka shells. Chris has decided to color coordinate and they look like a couple of cotton candies heading to dinner at The Max. Chris tells Whitney he likes people who can make friends and go with the flow, therefore Whitney the try-hard screeches LET’S CRASH THIS WEDDING. Whit breaks the cardinal rule of wedding crashing; don’t wear what the bride is wearing. Oh the bride isn’t also wearing white jeans? Never mind. She changes into a formal gown, thank GOD but their evening wear can’t save them because they do no prep work to coordinate their stories and it’s almost as if the producers are going to go over to the wedding party and ask if they can film it and also have them all sign releases. Regardless, Chris has his panties in a wad that they’ll get arrested. If I could arrest him for how bad he is at making small talk at weddings I would’ve had him thrown in jail to think about what he’s done and replay his awful dad dance moves. Chris really dropped the ball on socializing and Whitney steps into the role of future Mrs. Soules and obviously doesn’t take it too seriously. She gets a rose for being able to hold a conversation with strangers who know you’re crashing their wedding. PS-If you bring a gift, you are officially the LAMEST uninvited wedding guests in America. “Officer, arrest these two for asking to come to my wedding, bringing a camera crew and a set of crystal stemware, THEY ARE DEVIANTS. “

*To be clear–Whitney still has the voice of 1000 Mickey’s being shoved down a garbage disposal so this date felt like it lasted for centuries.*

Pool Party

There was no social before the rose ceremony last night, instead there was a pool party, giving the girls an opportunity to put on a full face of makeup, bikini and stilettos and wet their heads with beach waves hair spray to create the illusion that they actually went swimming.

JuElia sees that Chris is having fun horsing around in the pool so it’s obviously the perfect time for her to take him aside and tell him about her husband who horrifically committed suicide. Side (but important) note: Chris is wearing a leather-braided necklace during this extremely uncomfortable and detailed conversation. They follow up a heavy and terribly depressing topic that should never have been exploited for TV with a super relevant ad from The Bachelor: THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE FAMOUS?! If that doesn’t end in a lawsuit I don’t know what will.

Jade gets a tour of Chris’s house including the bedroom, where they have a steamy make out session on his bed set to 70’s porn music. I’d like to shake hands with the music supervisor for this show. Meanwhile, Jillian lurks in the hot tub waiting to pounce for the sloppy seconds fifteenths. They have a minute together (full of swapping spit) and then the terrible three comprised of KardASHLEY, Mackenzie and Megan (who should think about putting that helmet back on) come and ruin it. KardASHLEY is upset that she did her “Kardashian look” and isn’t getting any attention or rubs to her belly ring region, so she runs off and cries about it. KardASHLEY has become the cheap plastic stemware rolling down the driveway of the entire pool party. She snags Chris finally to laugh/cry to him that she misses him and we all know the formula by now, tears=make outs. When Chris asks KardASHLEY if she’s crying or laughing and she replies both, it hits a little too close to home because I also spend two hours every Monday simultaneously crying and laughing that my life has come to watching girls fight over hot tub minutes.

Roses (in order): Kaitlyn, Becca, Whitney, Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Onion Pomegranate, Nikki, Jillian, KardASHLEY (Last. RECOGNIZE YO PLACE, GIRL…less crying, more laughing.)

Memorable Quotes

“It’s warm and salty. Not things I like in my mouth.”-Does it really matter who said this? The producers/writers of this show are clearly just F-ing with us.

“It kinda like fuels a fire under my butt”-Jade talking about her competition OR Carly after chugging a glass of goat’s milk? You decide.

“You are a man and I am a woman and I just want to take advantage.”– Carly before she makes out with Chris making a SOUND argument for feminism.

“Whatever you do don’t be yourself, be someone who gives better speeches.”-Kimmel summing up everything that makes me cringe about this show. Seriously, Chris, no more rose speeches. Revert to what you know…massaging everyone’s throats with your tongue.

I seriously tried to make this shorter because I understand that I wrote a novel longer than anything these bachelorettes have ever read for last week’s recap. Bear with me, I’m on the learning curve of being a brand new Bach-consumer. I hope that we can learn from this amazing journey together.

JUice

Weekly JUice

1. I missed the Critics Choice Awards last night. That’s on me. And reading about it is giving me FOMO because apparently any awards show that I DON’T watch is when things happen: Michael Strahan hosted and did a Magic Mike routine, John Kraskinski & Emily Blunt were cute as shit and Kevin-Silver Fox-Costner won a lifetime award. Whatever. Here’s the worst looks:

And the best looks:

2A. Even though I did a full recap and fashion blog on the Globes, there were some worthy next day shots of after party outfits that deserved to be addressed. (Mainly I can’t go without giving props to my girl Tay.) Here are some of my fave outfits for people who were cool enough to party but not enough to attend the awards.

To be clear, Taylor is the best dressed here.

2B. While we’re on the topic of Jennifer Aniston, let’s discuss another tidbit to come after the Globes. Remember when Billy Bob Thornton accepted his Golden Globe for Fargo and basically said everything he says gets him in trouble so he’ll just say thank you? Apparently Billy didn’t apply this rule to his post-Globes interviews. When asked to play Would You Rather with Jen Aniston or Reese Witherspoon, Billy revealed it’s his life goal to take Jen to poundtown. No word on if he would also like to exchange vials of blood with her but I’ll be happy to keep you posted on the matter. (Shoutout to Den for the goss. tip)

3. Kelly Clarkson came out of what I can only assume was retirement (it’s been a while) and released Heartbeat Song, which is a great jam so get groovin to it this weekend. Also her bowling ball head child named after a body of water produced it or something.

View this post on Instagram

It's here…the first official #HeartbeatSong teaser! Share on KellyClarkson.com – Team KC #River

A post shared by Kelly Clarkson (@kellyclarkson) on Jan 9, 2015 at 12:36pm PST

4. Idina Menzel will be singing ~~Let it Go~~ The National Anthem at the Superbowl. You know what would be REALLY patriotic? If I could go five minutes without getting the song Let it Go stuck in my head. America has ruined winter, Idina Menzel and everything snowman related with that damn song and I just want to live my life Let it Go free. If there are ANY superbowl promos that play this song when announcing her singing the national anthem I will LITERALLY chop both of my ears off because I will no longer be needing them in this Let it Go world. If we’re being honest I’m actually surprised there aren’t more ear cutting incidents with parents of small children who probably play this song/movie on repeat. End rant. (Just so we’re clear just typing the song title that many times ensured that the song is in my head for the rest of the day). Also John Legend will be singing America the Beautiful and this I can stand behind wholeheartedly. John has the voice of an angel and I will approve of him serenading forever and ever.

5. Mariah Carey is banished to Vegas. Not a minute too soon really….Just kidding, she should’ve been shipped to Vegas for her show girl act roughly circa 2001. Props to her for trying to stay relevant for as long as she did. I’m gonna go ahead and assume her abomination of All I Want For Christmas Is You at the NYC tree lighting this year pretty much sealed the deal. If you’re looking for the revival of butterflies and rhinestone frocks, be sure to pre-order your tickets now to see her Vegas act at Caesar’s Palace (side note: do you think the real Caesar lived there? Asking for a friend. You’re welcome for bringing back a 5 year old movie quote.) Also in other sad sap Mariah Carey news her baby husband Nick Cannon has filed for divorce. YIKES. Getting the D bomb AND the Vegas act all in one week. #ThoughtsandPrayers

Announced on Ellen, dressed in THAT.

Music

TBT- Best of One Tree Hill Mix

Since it’s Thursday I thought it would be an approps time to throw it back to the years when I pretended that I lived in Tree Hill, North Carolina and was friends with a bunch of cool kids who got married, started clothing labels, became touring singers and had babies in high school. Obviously this show was the most realistic it could have been and that’s why it holds a special place in my heart and I hope many* of yours too. (*could be an exaggeration) There’s no better way to share my love for One Tree Hill than through a mix tape of the best songs from seasons 1-9 and obviously I’ve accompanied each song with commentary and back story so that you can relive all of the drama and all of the feels. I realize that this was really Peyton of me to make a mixtape and I can assure you that while there may be some downers on this mix, I tried to keep them at minimum.

When The Stars Go Blue-Haley James & Chris Keller (OR Bethany Joy Lenz & Tyler Hilton). I hate to start you off with the song that sparked the ALMOST Naley annulment but we needed to address the tough stuff right away. These two sound fab togets but obv Chris couldn’t keep his hands home and had to go and ruin everything for half of the series…glad he was able to make his triumphant comeback in Season 9 though, no hard feelsies.
Non-Believer-La Rocca. Let me just preface this by saying that I started out making this with every intention of keeping the songs in order so you could properly relive their story, but it just didn’t flow the way it should have. So we’re going to do some jumping around. This was one of those supes dramats songs that Peyton was all “music heals everything and makes it better”. I’m pretty sure she whipped this one out when Hayles was casj in a coma while 8 months preggo after Nathan sacrificed her for some point shavinz. It’s included because it’s actually a rare upbeat choice from Ms. Sawyer…the rest made me want to slit my wrists.
The Funeral-Band of Horses. This jam is off one of the offish. soundtracks that I actually bought in CD form back in the day when people purchased CD’s, so you know it’s an OTH classic. It can have some downer tones, but I tried my hardest to only have a couple depressing songs on this mix and try to keep it surprisingly upbeat for a show that had casj school shootings/murders and pro athletes in wheelchairs with mullets. I’m pretty sure the funeral was used a couple different times, no doubt over some dramats scenes with Lucas quoting a book.
Let Me Fall-Bethany Joy Lenz. This one is added SOLELY for some lawlerskate times. Remember back in the day when Limewire was the way to get music, right around the time of AIM? Yeah I wanted this song but since she never recorded it officially, my only option was directly from the show. So TBT to this episode, you’ll know EXACTLY what’s going on because each person blabs during Haley’s performance…like have a little respect guys, it’s her first time singing in public and she’s being a baby bitch about it. Enjoy.
World Spins Madly On-The Weepies. Another sadsie. But I just made you laugh so it’s ok…I planned that, obv. This one plays after Peyton finds Ellie dead, which is a real buzzkill considering the episode it happens in was a fire flames one. Basically everyone gets back together during the storm and bangs and then Peyton goes and ruins everything by having her birth mom die and bringing her their mixtape that they made togets. Damn you, Peyton.
Halo-Haley James Scott. (Not Kidding that’s exactly how they wrote it on the CD.) OTH got real savvy with their mixes that they released every season and this one was the actual mixtape that Peyton produced with previously mentioned dead mom, further blurring reality and TV, which obviously just made me feel like I was actually a part of Tree Hill more than is normal. But this is by FAR Hale’s best jam. Even Nathan was like k cool this is good let’s stay married. He didn’t want to be hitched to a one-hit wonder probably.
Someday-Bryan Greenberg. Such an underrated character/storyline. Jake & Peyton were a whiny/we have adult problems at 16 match made in heaven. And of course she was like btw I dream about Lucas and probably love him or something. I still don’t understand how she could make that declaration AFTER he performed this song for her live, confessing his love. Also legit great song, I actually wish he was a musician more than an actor.
Babe I’m Gonna Leave You-Led Zeppelin. This is an actual hardcore throwback. Back to the days when Den had a mullet and was in a band called Zipper. (WOOF). This is a generally good song, but I also cannot listen to it without thinking of Nathan, Rachel & Cooper being immersed in the river with Haley in her wedding dress wailing at the top of the bridge. AND THEN THE CRACKER JACK BRACELET SURFACES IN THE WATER. At that point in time, I DIDN’T KNOW IF NATHAN WOULD MAKE IT. Okay, I need to stop…too many feels. Classic rock magic.
Feel This-Bethany Joy Galeotti Ft. Enation. Ok now we’re in the days where Jamie is a cutie little bear & not an actual large bear with braces, obviously we’re doing our best not to mention Jimmy Jam because he should’ve stayed a baby forever instead of ruining the series. Hales is all, I wanna be a mom and a teacher and also a pop star. And Nathan’s all go for your dreams because I can walk now and I will be a pro athlete again and pretend I never had a mullet or paralysis. So she starts recording again, a little weirder stuff, but still ok. Everything after this should be forgotten because that’s when she starts singing about spaceships or something. This should’ve been her retirement song.
No Good-Kate Voegele. Speaking of Hales going pop star, Kate (or Mia in the show) was the one who gave her the inspiration. The weirdo with a hoodie in a band with gangstah Kevin Federline. Since the show basically brought her fame, every single song she recorded was also featured on OTH. I chose this one because it’s a good FU song for when you’re feeling feisty. Mia performed it for the first time and was being a pussybitch about it but then saw that wigga KFed was there and decided to deliver him a cold serving of I’m onstage and you’re not. YOU’RE NO GOOD KFAT.
Wedding Dress-Matt Nathanson. Hey remember when they teased at Peyton dying a bunch of times before deciding the best way to write her out would be to just have her drive away? Kewl guys. This was death scare number 2 in season 6. Her and Lucas FINALLY got married and they’re being all adorbsies when ALL OF THE SUDDEN Peyton starts bleeding out all over her wedding gown. Always with the dramatics, Peyton. She died for just enough time for everyone to cry about it. Then lived and had a healthy 2 year old baby. Pretty realistic.
Within You-Ray LaMontagne. Sad song again. It’s been a while though so I thought it was time. This was played a couple times that were boo-hootastic. First was when Brooke dumps Lucas after the grand Naley wedding/drownfest. She was so mature and was like hey by the way peace out because you can’t keep your eyes or your mouth off my BFF. It was kind of sad but more so annoying. Who cheats on Brooke? Honestly. Second time was when they had graduated and they all left their lame HS house party to play basketball at the river court and deface public property with graffiti. Jk. This was actually kind of sad because it was HIGH SCHOOL graduation and one of them was already going home early to check on her fresh baby. “We’ll always be friends, I know it. In four years we’ll be back here together.”-Brooke (or the writers, guaranteeing a 5^th season).
Whiskey-Jana Kramer. I can’t believe I made you wait this long for our fave little cutter-slut Alex Dupre. This was when she decided to be a good person and show everyone she’s also a country singer. She performed this at Tric in a sparkly mini skirt and won Tree Hill’s hearts back. What a gem she was.
Half Moon-Blind Pilot. This was played in the series finale when they were flashing back to the HS days and reflecting on their choices. They were SO old and wise by the end of the series…oh wait they were all roughly OUR AGE and married with kids. Crushing young adult life.
Almost Everything-Wakey!Wakey!. Another band that OTH incorporated into the show and then played every one of their songs. I don’t hate it. In fact I had quite the difficult time picking the right one for this mix because I really dig them all. So this band was Grubbs the bartender in the show who miraculously had singing talent and would only record if he could also bang the British record lady. ADORBZ. Most of his songs were played in the season 7 finale when Haley is just peeking out of her creepy depression after her mom died. Not to be insensitive, but she set her piano on fire…So this song is happy because she’s like trying to smile and not drown herself and they’re all in Utah having some happy snow times.
The Good Kind-The Wreckers. Here we are throwing it back again to season 2 when Haley chooses music over Nathan (sob) and tours with The Wreckers. Also always thought it was random nation that Michelle Branch was popping up in epis of OTH. Haley fangirls all over them and they’re like Haley you’re actually so talented and she’s like really? Ok I’ll leave my husband and tour with you guys then! And they’re like we didn’t offer. JK they did. Whatevs. #StillBitter.
I Want Something That I Want-Grace Potter & Bethany Joy Galeotti. When Haley first starts thinking about music again post-Jamie and Nathan’s dead legs miraculous recovery, she’s like I don’t even know if I’m good anymore wah wah I miss singing for fun. And so she randomly shows up at a park and starts singing with this street performer broad. And they start playing the same song and harmonizing as if they’ve practiced or something. And that’s how Haley James Scott got her groove back.
Loaded Gun-Tyler Hilton. There’s a million Chris Keller songs to pick from but I wanted music from the funny/dum dum Chris Keller that we actually liked from the last season rather than homewrecker/douchebag Chris Keller from the first 3 seasons. He rocks this one out at Tric when he’s trying to impress a label exec and stick it to her. This is before he saves Nathan from Russian ‘nappers. What a bossman.
Us Against The World-Coldplay. Whoops last sappy song I promise. This is the song they play when Dan dies and has a fake(? Still unsure about that one) conversation with Nathan at the river court and they forgive each other and it gets really dusty in the room and a piece gets stuck in my eye and it starts to maybe water a little bit. Then Keith comes back and picks up Danny and they carpool to heaven (Keith gives Dan a guest pass I’m assuming). So like yeah, it’s sad and stuff but when you think about how weird it was it’s not too bad. Also he was a murderer so let’s not casj let that one slide by.
Solder-Gavin DeGraw. I could’ve easily taken the cheap route and put the theme song last but honestly I know you’ve heard it 70000 times and we can all agree that season 7’s hipster variations of it each episode essentially ruined it for me. So I chose this one because it was in the series finale when Gavs came back for a Tric appearance and Haley sounded like a circus announcer (never forget). It’s a sweet song & I wanted to end this debauchery down memory lane on a sweet note, so there you have it.

There is only one Tree Hill, & it’s your home.

it’s fictional.

Even though it’s fictional DOES not mean it didn’t give us lots of feels, which is why I’m not ashamed to have given you this mix. Play it on repeat, always……………………….and forever.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Live and Learn”

We clearly got too many dramatic episodes in a row and so this week’s installment was a filler and essentially nothing happened. It was college-themed and we watch as Yo, Kyle and Eileen send off their children to face the trials and tribulations of the freshman fifteen and showering in a dorm. Oh no wait; sorry when you’re rich you don’t have to deal with any of these things. Instead, you get set up in an apartment nicer than any establishment I will ever live in and get a weekly allowance for manicures. Ah to be in college again…

Keeping with the “lets air all of our parenting troubles” theme this week, Lisa dealt with her son Max dropping out of college and trying to be a freeloader. He tells his parents that he’s been driving without insurance or something and they get irrationally angry and tell him that they’re cutting him off until he gets his shit in order.

Brandi’s kids are still very young but she’s already starting to think about their college fund because they probably will never have one since her ex husband Eddie is demanding hundreds of thousands in child support. Apparently he’s not making as much as Brandi and wants a piece of that Housewives/Book/Podcast fortune…. which realistically he probably should get a cut of because she constantly talks shit about him in tell all books and on TV. Brandi just wants Eddie to be happy and start making money again so that he stops sending her spare change to support their kids. Honestly if Eddie watches the show he knows that Brandi ends up homeless every season and he should probs be more concerned for that. ANYWAY… Leanne and Eddie’s new show premieres and Brandi throws a viewing party to “see if her kids are in it.” In Beverly Hills, a viewing party is a gathering of sassy gay hairstylists and recovering alcoholics to say shitty things about your ex-husband’s mistress turned wife turned stepmommy for your kids. They talk about how ugly Leanne is and how Brandi is basically a character in their show based on how much she’s mentioned. Hmm, sounds familiar.

Rinna spends this week talking about how much she loves acting and will take any job she can get. And at this point I’ve typed this out for every week girl’s been on the show. We get it. Offer something else up for story line. She does a bunch of vocal exercises in the car and watching her motorboat those fake lips was nothing short of amazing. Rinna is playing herself in a movie that will literally never be seen and tries to explain how hard it is to play herself with her husband for money. Then she meets with Stella & Dot to host an affordable jewelry party for a bunch of women who wear a multitude of diamonds to their spin class.

Eileen grabs about 20 seconds of screen time as she says farewell to her stepson Duke who just graduated college. The most important takeaway from Eileen’s scene this week is that Duke is a smokeshow, and since he’s close enough to my age, I can get away with saying that. More Duke pls.

Speaking of beautiful people, Bella follows Gigi to NYC and Yo travels with her to get her settled into her high rise penthouse fit for an up and coming model. They talk about the DUI a lot and basically Yo keeps beating herself up and doesn’t want to leave Bella on the other side of the country for fear that she’s going to turn into a real lawbreaking asshole like Justin Bieber (pretty sure they run in the same circles, so it’s not an outrageous notion). Bella reassures her mother by writing an apology letter that is read aloud and there are tears and for juuuust a minute I swear it gets dusty in my room and I shed a tear as well. What can I say, when Yo cries, I cry.

And finally, the devotion of this episode is to Alexia going to college in Arizona and how Kyle is basically on suicide watch at her child leaving her for a few months. This is Alexia’s moment and her first time at college so naturally Kyle makes it all about herself. Kyle brags about having good grades and wanting to be a lawyer but she found acting instead, boohoo. As if listening to Kyle isn’t enough, we’re all forced to take a college tour of the University of Arizona with the whole family. These were painful enough when I had to do them myself and yet we must listen to facts about the weather in Arizona and the bike share program. I’ll keep those in mind should I ever decide to time travel back to being a freshman in college. The family goes to the vacation resort they’ll be staying at for the night and leave Alexia to attend her first sorority rush parties and get settled into her apartment. Obviously Alexia will struggle while away at college because her allowance for food, clothes, partying and getting a mani is a mere $450 a week. I literally have a full time job and don’t make this so that’s comforting. In case you forgot in a matter of 10 minutes, Kyle really wanted to be a lawyer and was smart and stuff…she would’ve been a REALLY good lawyer, guys. Also she wants Alexia to transfer to a school near home like Farrah did and there’s a whole lot of sobbing and finally the goodbyes are finished and it’s time for Kyle to crawl back to Beverly Hills and return to her miserable life because she will never be able to charter a private plane to see her daughter an hour away like EVER AGAIN.

And that concludes this week’s installment of Model/Actress parents who never went to college forcefully living vicariously through their kids’ lives. Next week- a possible physical altercation between Kyle and Brandi? Are we reverting back to game night slut pig calling and crutches stealing? FINGERS CROSSED.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- “Tractor Race”

Remember how we had SUCH a cliffhanger last week when Kimberly the yoga instructor got all emosh and rolled back up to Chris and asked to talk? Well she blubbered out to him that they never got a chance to talk and that’s not how she would like this to end. Obviously all the girls who just received roses were really sympathetic to Kimberly and supportive of her decision to come back in. Just kidding, they talked shit the entire time and made her feel as unwelcome as possible. Chris feels bad because Kimberly is crying a lot and he asks Chris Harrison if it’s kosher to throw her a bone and let her come back for a second chance. Chris Harrison is like yeah the more brunettes that look exactly the same, the better…or something like that. And Kimberly the yoga instructor has effectively clawed her way back into the group.

The girls get their first group date invite and Chris showers outside in their driveway because PLOT TWIST: he lives in their driveway. The first date is a pool party and Chris shows up in a hooded sweatshirt unzipped at the top to show his pecs and I choke back vomit.

They play a healthy game of chicken fight where four girls are forced to team up and it’s clear that Chris hates them, then they parade through Hollywood in their bikinis to get to the “country” part of the date, a tractor race. While the most boring date in America is going down, Megan the makeup artist and Jillian the gym rat who apparently has her asshole hanging out because it’s blurred, sneak into Chris’s house…it’s UNLOCKED. They climb all over his motorcycle and Megan tries on his helmet and then runs around the house smacking her head into shit. I hope for her sake that she was day drinking and this isn’t one of her favorite pastimes.

Kardashian lookalike who is very well aware that she’s a Kardashian lookalike, Ashley wins the tractor race and gets some one on one time to sit in Chris’s lap atop a tractor and probably talk about makeup and selfies. Then Chris returns to the group and delivers his first shocking decision of the night when he picks Mackenzie for a one on one date. The girls justify this irrational decision by saying that Chris is just trying to make everyone feel like they have a fair chance even though they’ve all accepted that Mackenzie is the dud of the group who not coincidentally is also wearing overalls. Mackenzie exemplifies everything you should never do on a first date. First she calls out Chris for having having his ear pierced at one point. SPOT BLOWN UP. Chris lost many cool points for that one. She says she’s super observant of creepy things and now we all know she’s a serial killer. Then she tells Chris he has a big shnozz and that’s apparently her fetish. He’s offended and she pisses her pants because she thinks she’s so funny and backtracks and says it’s “prominent” not “big.” Then she brings up aliens quickly followed by “I haven’t been on a date in a LOOOOOOONG time.” It’s cause she has a son named Kale, she word vomits all onto Chris. He quickly wipes it up, clearly looks uncomfy and tells her he’s not scared of kids and they slow dance and kiss. Also she gets a rose. Mackenzie pulls out a small notepad and tallies all of her kisses with Chris that she later recounts for all the ladies who are wearing harsh fake smiles.

Second One on One Date with Megan the makeup artist.

Megan gets a one on one date with Chris despite the fact that she ran around his house ramming her head into hard surfaces. I have enough faith that if Chris saw that beforehand he would’ve opted out on the date, but that faith was crushed quickly with all of Chris’s poor decisions last night. Megan leaves for their date with her hair done up for the Oscars and an outfit that I definitely wore to an 8th grade dance, a pink wife beater and jeans. She clearly got tired after curling her hair and pulled a shirt out of her PJ drawer. Way to class it up for your future husband, girl. Megan & Chris are treated to a helicopter ride above the desert, the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. Chris took Mackenzie to a local pub and flew Megan across the Grand Canyon and landed for an intimate picnic. Bet Mackenzie’s ripping up her tallied kisses watching Chris dump all over their shitty date with this romantic outing. Megan squeezes Chris’s hand the whole time and I can’t help but be concerned for his circulation. On their picnic, Megan casually tells the story of how her being here happened so fast that slowly dwindled into her telling Chris that her Dad died. Apparently an award-winning storyteller, Megan leaves that part until the end and instead leads on a detail by detail telling of her dad’s whereabouts when he had a heart attack, what machinery the paramedics used on him, what his blood pressure was and what color sheets he had in his hospital room before she finally says that he passed away. Chris pretends to listen intently through all of this and is more likely going through everything he has eaten that day in his mind. He gives her a rose before she can tell him what suit her dad was buried in. They make out, obvs.

Second Group Date-Til Death Do Us Part

The girls are driven to an abandoned warehouse, a zombie scares them in the limo and they all get the physically closest they will ever be. Chris comes into the limo and everyone screeches and Kelsey cackles and suddenly I hate her just for one laugh. The date consists of shooting Zombies and then finding the beacon of light, video game style. Onion Pomegranate wants to shoot her teammates and everyone is concerned for her having a firearm, as they should be. There’s so much screaming it was like being in a bar with a bunch of woo girls. Onion Pomegranate (OP for short) is shooting zombies who are already dead, just further confirming that she’s unhinged. Then she goes off into OP land and starts rambling about angels and a big boom. Everyone tries way too hard to understand her when they should be ignoring her. Then OP sneaks up on Chris and he treats her like a mental patient who has escaped the psych ward, asking her several times in a slow enunciated tone if she’s okay. She’s not sure what planet she’s on so the producer that is on stand-by in case she slits Chris’s throat drops onion pieces to lead her to bed for the night.

Once the crazy has been tucked in, Britt and Chris share a moment where Britt reiterates that she thinks Chris is her boyfriend and he responds by giving her a coupon for a free kiss. Cause like free displays of affection are an inside joke for them, or Britt’s actual career but whatever. Katelynn and Chris also have some one on one time where Katelynn reveals that she recently dated someone who moved a lot and she decided that she didn’t want to put her life on hold for a guy again…so she promptly put her life on hold for a guy when she joined the Bachelor cast. Makes sense. Katelynn gets the rose and Britt cries herself to sleep because her boyfriend is cheating on her.

Group Social

The betches all gather again in cheap club dresses to edge more time in with Chris before he makes his rose decisions for the night. Whitney surprises Chris with a bottle of liquor, she not so discreetly reminds Chris that her brother in law is from Iowa and gives a toast that’s way too long for someone with an ear shattering voice. KardASHLEY tells Mackenzie she’s a virgin and has never had a boyfriend, Mackenzie is SUUUUUPER jelly and won’t let it go–Probably because a kid walked out of her vagina at the ripe age of 20. KardASHLEY feels the need to see Chris again and let him know that although she hasn’t had sex she can still do OTHER things (wink), she shows Chris her belly button ring with a magic lamp charm and Chris gets three wishes on her trashy piece of jewelry from Spencer Gifts. Chris wishes he could kiss her and has to rub her magic lamp. (That’s the first sentence that I didn’t exaggerate and I wish that I did.) She’s an eat your face kind of kisser and it looks real messy. My money’s on a sex tape before the end of this year from KardASHLEY, for obvious reasons.

Britt may have been the only one who got a written note with Free Kiss, but the rest of the ladies hopped right on that train as Chris tongued every girl in the house. But he’s looking for THE ONE, so it’s okay guys. Jordan the sloppy drunk student wants in on that big spit swap orgy and fixes her lipstick, downs another shot then hits him up for a makeout. She’s this week’s slob kebab and makes everything awkward and then announces that it’s awkward because that’s the quickest way to make it 1000x worse. This is the first time I see Chris turn down a smooch.

Rose Ceremony:

Mackenzie, Megan and Katelynn have roses from before, Britt & KardASHLEY are called next (cause he obviously has them pegged to be polite, chaste ladies who wait until marriage…just kidding these are all the easiest biddies and Prince Farming has some fantasy suite plans in the works). He calls out to Juelia and Jillian/Man Shoulders starts walking. He firmly repeats that he called Juelia and Jillian catches her 6 inch stiletto from Deb on the carpet and almost wipes out. She recovers smoothly by laughing like a maniac while everyone covers their eyes and reveals that if they were her they’d probably just kill themselves. Unfortunately she is also given a rose later on after he makes her sweat it out and question why she ever is allowed out in public. The last person that I recall getting a rose is OP and it literally disgusts me to have to type this. Our very own Prince Farming picked the girl who has multiple personalities and probably mixes vicodin with her gin and tonics every night… clearly just for ratings. If she isn’t out by next week I will sincerely be disappointed in this hunk of man meat.

Tara, Alissa, Jordan, Kimberly are sent home for sure. THE REST IS A BLUR.

Cringeworthy Moment(s) of the Week:

Juelia shares that she has a daughter, Ireland and was married to Ireland’s dad. She then reveals to these women that she doesn’t know at all and are looking for weaknesses to undercut her, that her husband committed suicide right after she had the baby. Juelia is all tears and just wants to find the right moment to unload this all on Chris who will most definitely handle it really well. Samantha the fashion designer stares at Juelia and puts a limp hand on her shoulder to comfort the sobbing girl. And it just felt genuine, you know? Coming in at a close second for most cringeworthy moment is Jordan getting sloppy drunk, twerking on the wall and then going on a tyrant about Jillian’s hairy ass, which makes me wonder how often these girls have seen each other naked in the two days they’ve lived together.

Best Quotes of the Week:

“I know what he means by show me your country and he’s gonna see it” -Tara, most likely referring to the bottle of Jim Beam she has stashed in her bikini top. Girl never rides a tractor without Jim.

“I wish everyone could feel my insides right now.”-Megan before her date with Chris and also a not so subtle hint at how she would like her first date with Chris to end. HEYYOOO. K that was dirty. Sorry. Not.

“The most beautiful blue eyes in North America.”-Chris to Megan at their Grand Canyon picnic. He quickly backtracked and was like I mean California, I mean in this Canyon. SMOOOTH lines, Corn Boy.

“Your leather smells really great.”-OP/Ashley S. right before she cut a chunk of Chris’s leather jacket with her switchblade and put it in her secret box underneath her bed full of cat fur and pomegranates.

“We’re all talking about having the same boyfriend.”-Britt as she cries about her boyfriend cheating on her and giving out MAD free kisses.

“I’m never anybody’s number one”-Tara right after she was DUMPED by Chris. Girl, you’ll always have Jim Jack and Johnny. And your sport fishing career.

That’s it for this week! I look forward to more tonsil hockey and monitoring of Ashley S’s meds next week. Until then I leave you with the best picture Google has ever given me for a blog.

Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

Golden Globes Red Carpet Looks

The stakes are high as the first legit awards show of the season and my judgements will be harsh. I make no apologies and must reiterate that I literally know nothing about high fashion and these are all my sassy opinions formed after one glance. I also feel compelled to point out that while these women probably starve themselves 90% of the time in preparation for these few moments walking a red carpet, I am sitting on my couch, unshowered, shoving pizza into my mouth and telling them that they look ugly. All the credibility in the world, obviously.

Worst Dressed:

Alan Cumming in a skin tone suit. Yuck.

Amanda Peet looking like she wrapped herself in a bedsheet. Not flattering.

I guess this is very Bill Murray…slob kebab style.

Claire Danes borrowed her gammy’s dress.

Jemima Kirke looking like she stepped out of the 1990’s, only thing missing is butterfly clips and foam platforms.

Jessica Chastain with untasteful cleavage and gold lamé.

Hey Kate Mara, this could’ve been on the best dressed if you didn’t throw in that stupid belt.

Katie Cassidy leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. Do less.

Keira Knightley. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Wins worst look of the night, year, possibly ever.

This is so blah, baggy and unflattering. Also off the shoulder is so 80’s duhz, Kristen Wiig.

This looks like a shitty bridesmaid dress. Also Lena Dunham always looks like frumpmaster frump.

Lorde in the baggy pants suit. (She probably borrowed that crop from her cheerful bestie Tay)

BLAH BLAH BLAH. We all know I think Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like the homely aunt at every public event. (her and Lena must be attending the same wedding circa 1992)

Maria Menunous with boob patterns and slicked back hair.

I read somewhere that Melissa McCarthy recently lost like 50lbs…this outfit does NOT show that. Also, waitress.

Rosamund Pike wearing a spaghetti strap dress that is just too much and makes her look top slops.

Taryn Manning in a literal trash bag.

Cotton Candy nightmare for Zosia Mamet.

Somewhere In Between:

The Clooneys make their red carpet debut and it’s lackluster. The dress is just fine..the gloves are stupid. ARE YOU ABOVE US OR SOMETHING, AMAL?

Is Eddie Redmayne wearing a velvet suit? Kinda lame. His wife’s dress is pretty so that’s how they landed in the middle.

I’ve seen G look fresher. Not cray about the mermaid bottom.

Miss Golden Globe Greer Grammar kind of looks like she bought this from a prom dress store.

Jen!! Hair down. Always.

Meh=Matthew’s scraggly beard, the top half of Camila’s dress.

I truly hate to knock my favorite hosts of all time, but these outfits are not doing it for me. Fingers crossed for some improvements in the many outfit changes during the show.

Best Dressed:

Real Talk: Has Adam Levine ever not looked bangin? Answer: No.

Adrian Grenier owning that plum suit.

Allison Tolman in a tasteful black chic gown.

Red came in hot tonight and Allison Williams looked old Hollywood glam.

Good color, simple and classy.

Not in love with the hair on Anna Kendrick but the dress is on point.

Catherine Zeta Jones in the classic red ball gown.

Hottest couple looking perf.

Anna Faris stepped it up and she’s not even hosting this one. Pratt looks good without trying.

Chrissy Teigen looking like a smoke with a sassy pony.

Dakota Johnson with the classic disco ball dress. Still not hot enough to be in 50 Shades but I digress.

David Oyelowo with a SNAZZY patterned metallic suit.

Pacey and Diane Kruger killing it as always.

Ellie Kemper pulls off the sparkly patterned dress and red lip.

Emily Blunt looks like a greek goddess.

Emmanuelle Chiriqui legit does not age.

Gina Rodriguez from the CW show I thought would be cancelled, loving the fringey bottom of the basic black.

JLo still on a mission to remind everyone that she may be 45 but she sure don’t look it. Legs and tits for days.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, another one who never looks her age.

I respect the hell out of this NYE party frock.

Kate Beckinsale almost won fave look of the night but the bun didn’t complete the look for me.

KATE HUDSON. BOOB. JOB. SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE.

COULD KATHERINE HEIGL BE SKINNIER? DAMN.

Katie Holmes looks like she did in the Dawson’s finale and I LOVE it.

I hate this dress so much that I love it. I can’t even explain that.

Good color on Leslie Mann.

Lupita kills red carpets. Always on fleek (the kids are saying that these days…)

Mouth wateringly handsome. ALWAYS. Bomer jams. Amirite?!

Naomi Watts with a super cool snake necklace and another great yellow.

Natasha Lyonne doing simple and elegant.

Hate the hair, love the dress.

Red sweeping the red carpet. No coincidence.

And naturally the most coveted of honors-the winner of my fave look of the night is… A TIE.

NEVER though my fave look would be a jumpsuit but I LOVE this look, even the capey thing in the back. Emma Stone kept it simple with jewels and hair and let the sparkle top do the talkin.

Reese Witherspoon had a big year with films and looks GR8 in this simple slimming gown. Less is more (also can you tell I’m into the sparkles?)

Television

Golden Globes Recap

Did I have unreasonably high expectations for this year’s Golden Globes because Amy and Tina have killed it for two years now? Yes, yes I did. I poured myself a tall glass of wine (red…because I’m an adult now) and settled in for some LOL’s with people I pretend are my close friends. I’m gonna have to admit that the monologue was funny with some jokes that crushed it, but overall I don’t think this was their best one. Probably because it was their last and they mailed it in but let’s break it down.

The Monologue:

The focus of their jokes right off the bat were North Korea, unfortunately but at least they got a few jabs at the shitty movie that started this drama “The Interview”, Amy thanked North Korea for “forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.” While discussing the big movies up for awards, Amy & Tina pointed out that there was a live painting of Big Eyes in the audience as the camera panned to Emma Stone. Emma proved to be the good sport of this year’s awards and hammed it up, taking the joke like a champ. The gals explain what cake is to the starving actresses of Hollywood and say that it’s something women who admit that they have aged get on their birthday. It wouldn’t be an awards show without mention of Clooney and his new other half, Tina lists all of Amal’s impressive accomplishments and then knocks Clooney because HE’S the one receiving a lifetime achievement award. Since these two goons have been friends for “50 years”, they play their fave game Who Would You Rather with celebs and it’s perfect and full of sex puns. Amy picking Mark Ruffalo and saying “I like it ruffalo” for the win. The Theory of Everything is summed up in one sentence by Amy, “A crippling nerve disease and super complicated math.” Who doesn’t love that? Then we get into some Bill Cosby rape jokes, which apparently made everyone uncomfy but I thought it was hilarious. Describing Into the Woods, “Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.” followed by Tina and Amy doing their best Bill Cosby impressions was probably the highlight of the whole monologue. I can always get down with offensive jokes. They wrapped it up with a little call and response cheer with the crowd and I still want to be friends with them a whole lot. (Watch Full Monologue here)

Highs:

-On the E! Red Carpet when both Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic couldn’t find their chill around Amal & Clooney. Ryan debuted a stupid shirt that said Game Over with a bride and groom and said it was Clooney’s wedding gift. Giuliana tried to get them to do a tequila shot with her and they were both like no thanks and she took one anyway and was super concerned afterward that Clooney still liked her. Slobberfest.

-The tables at the awards are basically on top of each other and watching women in heels maneuver that like a maze, especially when coming from the cheap seats in the back was entertaining.

-Either the A/C wasn’t working or everyone there had the liquor sweats because the shine factor was 1 billion and it was great seeing all those hours of glam squad go to waste. They literally showed someone paper toweling their face at one point.

-Apparently Jen Aniston almost flashed her RB curtains while getting up to present the first award but I wasn’t paying attention so basically it didn’t happen.

-JLo and Jeremy Renner present an award together and Jenny from tha block asks Jeremy if she should open the envelope because she has the nails (obv.) and Renner quips “You’ve got the globes too.” ZINGGGG. JLo looked offended and uncomfy but like you don’t almost show nip and then act surprised when someone calls you out for it. Own it gurl.

– Matthew Bomer wins for The Normal Heart (I SAW THIS!!!) and thanks his husband and kids and apologizes for being a grumpy bitch who weighed LESS THAN ME when he watched them eat pizza while preparing for this role. Also I drooled the whole time he was onstage.

-“Famous people are above the law, as it should be.”-Ricky Gervais

-Kristin Wiig and Bill Hader present Best Screenplay and botch famous movie quotes with terrible impressions. They’re basically just goofing together with funny voices and I literally cannot get enough of it. This makes up for the shitty North Korea never-ending joke. (Watch Here)

-Clooney crushed his acceptance speech for the Lifetime Achievement award, making it obvious why everyone constantly slobbers all over him. Best moments include: “Now that we’ve all been hacked, we can apologize face to face for all the snarky things we said”, “80% of the people in this room don’t win and then you’re a loser.”(he points out that everyone there is awesome and amazing and if you’re not there you actually are a loser), “It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love. Amal, I couldn’t be more proud to be your husband.” This time she wasn’t blabbing and was actually paying attention, which was nice.

-John Legend & Common win for Best Original Song and are giving a touching speech about how relevant the movie Selma is, they show Chrissy Teigen in the crowd with frozen cry face. Twitter was ALL over that. Obviously so was Chrissy and she defended herself by saying she doesn’t practice her cry face.

-Ruth Wilson wins for best actress in The Affair and thanks a co-star by saying, “Your ass is something of great beauty.” Brits make swearwords sound so elegant and I’m supes jelly.

-I’m 99% sure that Julianne Moore madeout with Matthew McConaughey when she accepted her award.

-Eddie Redmayne wins best Actor for Theory of Everything and shouts it out to his fresh wife in his acceptance speech, they’re honeymooning at the Globes. Ah, young Hollywood love, how adorbsies.

-Jared Leto with the man braid, completely upstaging his previously famous man bun.

Lows:

-Amy & Tina do a North Korea bit with Margaret Cho as a North Korean and its suuuuper racist and just as played out as the Pizza joke of last year’s Oscars.

-The stars of Fifty Shades of Grey present an award together and have about as much chemistry as two pieces of bread.

-Prince presents best original song and never fails to creep me the F out. He’s wearing a gold textured suit with cane and signature circle colored sunglasses aka the product of my nightmares. The crowd loses their shit for him though, apparently he’s really loved.

-Katherine Heigl tried out some internet dating jokes about the male nominees with David Duchovny and I could actually hear the crickets. It’s become comical how much Hollywood hates her.

-Julianna Marguiles & Don Cheadle present the Cecil B. DeMille award to Clooney, compete who is better friends with him. It’s pretty awkward and apparently Amal, her highness agrees cause she gets caught yapping away during their “speech”. The following montage makes me realize I’ve seen like two things Clooney is in, which is pretty embarrassing on my part.

-Maggie Gyllenhaal wins and is soooo boring and blaaaahhh and talks about what turns her on and the only thing that makes this speech worth watching is because they show Jake in the audience a whole lot.

-Michael Keaton wins best actor for Birdman and catches a case of the rambles and also a case of the cries as he talks about his best friend and barely chokes out that it’s his son. Also gives us a full family history and his name is actually Michael Douglas? Did I hear that right or did I doze off during this four hour speech? Feel free to correct me if you stayed awake.

-The Globes are known as the most fun awards show because the booze is flowing and yet no one got sloppy drunk and embarrassed themselves or slurred a funny speech. Seems like a missed opportunity.

Full List of Winners:

Best Supporting Actor-JK Simmons, Whiplash

Best Supporting Actress in TV-Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey

Best Miniseries/TV Movie-Fargo

Best Actor in Miniseries-Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo

Best Actress in TV- Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin

Best Comedy- Transparent

Best Original Score-Johann Johannsson, Theory of Everything

Best Original Song- Glory- Common, John Legend (Selma)

Best Supporting Actor Miniseries, TV Movie- Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

Best Actress in Motion Picture (Comedy/Musical)- Amy Adams, Big Eyes

Best Animated Film-How to Train Your Dragon 2

Best Supporting Actress in Motion Picture- Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Best Screenplay- Birdman (buncha foreigners)

Best Actor in Comedy, Musical TV- Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Foreign Language Film-Leviathan, Russia

Actress Miniseries/Movie- Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honourable Woman

Best TV series/Drama- The Affair

Actor TV Series, Drama- Kevin Spacey, House of Cards

Cecil B. DeMille Award- Clooney

Best Director of Motion Picture- Richard Linklater, Boyhood

Best Actress, TV Series-Drama-Ruth Wilson, The Affair

Best Actor, Motion Picture Comedy or Musical- Michael Keaton, Birdman

Best Motion Picture, Comedy/Musical- The Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Actress in Motion Picture, Drama-Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Best Actor in Motion Picture, Drama- Eddie Redmayne, Theory of Everything

Best Motion Picture, Drama- Boyhood

See ya for the Oscars betchezzzzzz.

JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray hit up Splitsville-Population: 90% of Bachelor(ette) contestants. The pair have “mutually ended their engagement” and everything is peaceful as can be for a breakup that will be dissected by Chris Harrison for years to come. I think we all saw this coming ever since jelly belly Nick blurted on national TV that him and Andi banged one out in the fantasy suite. Fingers crossed that he comes crawling right out of the woodwork now that the split has hit the news. It seems as though Bachelor fans are really floored with this breakup because Andi and Josh were like REALLY in love…you know because they declared it via Insta and Twitter every few hours. Methinks that if you have to broadcast it so often and you also met on a reality television show maybe it wasn’t the real deal. Jus Sayin. Bet Andi is really kicking herself that she also lost out on Prince Farming and someone who gives free hugs now has the edge over her.

2. Kept hush hush until this week, Blake Lively birthed the perfect human and if I had her number I’d text her “Pics or it didn’t happen” because seriously, we need to see this kid. No name or gender is revealed so obviously stay tuned for further information. Since this barely qualifies as news with no proof, Nick & Vanessa Lachey also had a baby this week and named her Brooklyn Elisabeth. Super cute, somewhat normal and they have my stamp of approval for name choice.

3. Tha Biebs did Calvin Klein and they had to photoshop him a whole lot so he didn’t look like the pre-pubescent teen that he is. Stiff competition to release a Calvin ad RIGHT after Nick “droolworthy abs” Jonas did. Biebs clearly had to add in something or else it would’ve been lost in the shuffle of his delinquent news and platinum blonde locks. With or without his fake abs and happy trail I’m not in the least bit turned on by this ad. Nick Jonas for the win (and obviously vintage Marky Mark for the overall win.)

4. Jimmy Fallon’s Infamous Lip Sync Battle segment will be it’s own show debuting on Spike in April. I was getting all revved up about it until they announced the host is LL Cool J. WHY is LL Cool J EVER THE HOST OF ANYTHING?! He is the CHEESIEST guy alive. And he wears a Kangol unironically. Like Date Mike.

5. This music video for Sia’s “Elastic Heart” came out and was getting a lot of buzz. Obviously people are a liiiiiitttle overly sensitive about the dancing that’s going on between Shia LaBeouf and like 11 year old dancer Maddie Ziegler. I think everyone’s concern should actually be that anyone hired Shia again after he had a baby meltdown recently and was attending press events with a paper bag over his head. Either way…watch the video and decide for yourselves. It’s obv real weird and artsy (I’m trying to make us all more cultured) but I dig the song and also all I could think the whole time was how I wish I were light enough to be flung around like little Maddie. Damn kids.

Pop Culture, Red Carpet, Television

People’s Choice Awards Red Carpet Looks

In the spirit of awards season and not missing any one that they air, I actually watched the People’s Choice Awards. Yiiiiikes. I won’t bore you with a recap on them because literally nothing happened. I think the highlight of the night was when Chris Evans escorted Betty White to the stage for her TV Icon Award and it was a real panty-melter to see such a hottie being a gentleman. Adam Sandler won an award and Fall Out Boy performed so I had myself questioning what year it actually was several times. Also hosts Anna Faris and Allison Janney played it safe all night and were basically just there to promote their soon to be cancelled show Moms ad nauseum. Also Iggy Azalea tried to bone Dax Shepard by flirting with him on stage. And we’re all caught up. I did however decide to do a best and worst dressed list because there were some standouts that deserved to be addressed.

Worst Dressed:

I mean these are your hosts and their not looking their best. Anna Faris is wearing a circus ruffle dress and Allison Janney is showing an untasteful amount of cleavage for her age…

I’ve seen Amy Adams look stunning and this just wasn’t doing it for me. Too plain. Also I can understand why she wouldn’t pull out the big guns for the People’s Choice Awards.

This is outrageous. I cannot get on board with Ariel Winter and the tuxedo as a dress thing. You look like you’re doing the walk of shame.

Honest question has Ginnifer Goodwin ever NOT looked like your frumpy aunt?

I feel like this dress is not the most flattering on Hillary Scott.

She’s certainly got the Kim K hourglass to pull this off but it’s just too much.

WOOF with the super low cut tee Taj Mowry. No need to do nips out for the People.

Best Dressed:

Digging on this sparkly party dress on Sarah Hyland.

Kristen Bell popped out a baby like 2 weeks ago. Damn gurl. Also I’m obsessed with this dress. Fave look of the night.

The classy crop was a trend last night and I was digging it. Love the sparkles and high pony on Olivia Munn.

This is my second fave look of the night. Even though Kaley Cuoco buzzed her head and I hate it, girl is pulling off this cutout dress. Almost makes me want to hit the gym. Almost.

Jesse McCartney repping well dressed men like nobody’s biz.

I think this is the best I’ve seen Iggy dress for an awards show. Still not really in our era, but she makes it work.

Digging on this color on Gabrielle Union.

Last but certainly not least, Chris Evans looking like the hot piece of ass he is. Dressed casj in a sweater and it makes me want to curl up by the fire with him with a glass of wine while he reads me a book. Whoa. That escalated quickly.

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Author Archives: Thesaltyju

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “It’s Wack-A-Doodle Time”

The Bachelor- The One Where Jimmy Kimmel Makes it Watchable

Weekly JUice

TBT- Best of One Tree Hill Mix

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Live and Learn”

The Bachelor- “Tractor Race”

Golden Globes Red Carpet Looks

Golden Globes Recap

Weekly JUice

People’s Choice Awards Red Carpet Looks