Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- “Tractor Race”

chrisbachelor

Remember how we had SUCH a cliffhanger last week when Kimberly the yoga instructor got all emosh and rolled back up to Chris and asked to talk? Well she blubbered out to him that they never got a chance to talk and that’s not how she would like this to end. Obviously all the girls who just received roses were really sympathetic to Kimberly and supportive of her decision to come back in. Just kidding, they talked shit the entire time and made her feel as unwelcome as possible. Chris feels bad because Kimberly is crying a lot and he asks Chris Harrison if it’s kosher to throw her a bone and let her come back for a second chance. Chris Harrison is like yeah the more brunettes that look exactly the same, the better…or something like that. And Kimberly the yoga instructor has effectively clawed her way back into the group.

The girls get their first group date invite and Chris showers outside in their driveway because PLOT TWIST: he lives in their driveway. The first date is a pool party and Chris shows up in a hooded sweatshirt unzipped at the top to show his pecs and I choke back vomit.

hoodie

They play a healthy game of chicken fight where four girls are forced to team up and it’s clear that Chris hates them, then they parade through Hollywood in their bikinis to get to the “country” part of the date, a tractor race. While the most boring date in America is going down, Megan the makeup artist and Jillian the gym rat who apparently has her asshole hanging out because it’s blurred, sneak into Chris’s house…it’s UNLOCKED. They climb all over his motorcycle and Megan tries on his helmet and then runs around the house smacking her head into shit. I hope for her sake that she was day drinking and this isn’t one of her favorite pastimes.

Kardashian lookalike who is very well aware that she’s a Kardashian lookalike, Ashley wins the tractor race and gets some one on one time to sit in Chris’s lap atop a tractor and probably talk about makeup and selfies. Then Chris returns to the group and delivers his first shocking decision of the night when he picks Mackenzie for a one on one date. The girls justify this irrational decision by saying that Chris is just trying to make everyone feel like they have a fair chance even though they’ve all accepted that Mackenzie is the dud of the group who not coincidentally is also wearing overalls. Mackenzie exemplifies everything you should never do on a first date. First she calls out Chris for having having his ear pierced at one point. SPOT BLOWN UP. Chris lost many cool points for that one. She says she’s super observant of creepy things and now we all know she’s a serial killer. Then she tells Chris he has a big shnozz and that’s apparently her fetish. He’s offended and she pisses her pants because she thinks she’s so funny and backtracks and says it’s “prominent” not “big.” Then she brings up aliens quickly followed by “I haven’t been on a date in a LOOOOOOONG time.” It’s cause she has a son named Kale, she word vomits all onto Chris. He quickly wipes it up, clearly looks uncomfy and tells her he’s not scared of kids and they slow dance and kiss. Also she gets a rose. Mackenzie pulls out a small notepad and tallies all of her kisses with Chris that she later recounts for all the ladies who are wearing harsh fake smiles.

Second One on One Date with Megan the makeup artist.

Megan gets a one on one date with Chris despite the fact that she ran around his house ramming her head into hard surfaces. I have enough faith that if Chris saw that beforehand he would’ve opted out on the date, but that faith was crushed quickly with all of Chris’s poor decisions last night. Megan leaves for their date with her hair done up for the Oscars and an outfit that I definitely wore to an 8th grade dance, a pink wife beater and jeans. She clearly got tired after curling her hair and pulled a shirt out of her PJ drawer. Way to class it up for your future husband, girl. Megan & Chris are treated to a helicopter ride above the desert, the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. Chris took Mackenzie to a local pub and flew Megan across the Grand Canyon and landed for an intimate picnic. Bet Mackenzie’s ripping up her tallied kisses watching Chris dump all over their shitty date with this romantic outing. Megan squeezes Chris’s hand the whole time and I can’t help but be concerned for his circulation. On their picnic, Megan casually tells the story of how her being here happened so fast that slowly dwindled into her telling Chris that her Dad died. Apparently an award-winning storyteller, Megan leaves that part until the end and instead leads on a detail by detail telling of her dad’s whereabouts when he had a heart attack, what machinery the paramedics used on him, what his blood pressure was and what color sheets he had in his hospital room before she finally says that he passed away. Chris pretends to listen intently through all of this and is more likely going through everything he has eaten that day in his mind. He gives her a rose before she can tell him what suit her dad was buried in. They make out, obvs.

Second Group Date-Til Death Do Us Part

The girls are driven to an abandoned warehouse, a zombie scares them in the limo and they all get the physically closest they will ever be. Chris comes into the limo and everyone screeches and Kelsey cackles and suddenly I hate her just for one laugh. The date consists of shooting Zombies and then finding the beacon of light, video game style. Onion Pomegranate wants to shoot her teammates and everyone is concerned for her having a firearm, as they should be. There’s so much screaming it was like being in a bar with a bunch of woo girls. Onion Pomegranate (OP for short) is shooting zombies who are already dead, just further confirming that she’s unhinged. Then she goes off into OP land and starts rambling about angels and a big boom. Everyone tries way too hard to understand her when they should be ignoring her. Then OP sneaks up on Chris and he treats her like a mental patient who has escaped the psych ward, asking her several times in a slow enunciated tone if she’s okay. She’s not sure what planet she’s on so the producer that is on stand-by in case she slits Chris’s throat drops onion pieces to lead her to bed for the night.

onion

Once the crazy has been tucked in, Britt and Chris share a moment where Britt reiterates that she thinks Chris is her boyfriend and he responds by giving her a coupon for a free kiss. Cause like free displays of affection are an inside joke for them, or Britt’s actual career but whatever. Katelynn and Chris also have some one on one time where Katelynn reveals that she recently dated someone who moved a lot and she decided that she didn’t want to put her life on hold for a guy again…so she promptly put her life on hold for a guy when she joined the Bachelor cast. Makes sense. Katelynn gets the rose and Britt cries herself to sleep because her boyfriend is cheating on her.

Group Social

The betches all gather again in cheap club dresses to edge more time in with Chris before he makes his rose decisions for the night. Whitney surprises Chris with a bottle of liquor, she not so discreetly reminds Chris that her brother in law is from Iowa and gives a toast that’s way too long for someone with an ear shattering voice. KardASHLEY tells Mackenzie she’s a virgin and has never had a boyfriend, Mackenzie is SUUUUUPER jelly and won’t let it go–Probably because a kid walked out of her vagina at the ripe age of 20. KardASHLEY feels the need to see Chris again and let him know that although she hasn’t had sex she can still do OTHER things (wink), she shows Chris her belly button ring with a magic lamp charm and Chris gets three wishes on her trashy piece of jewelry from Spencer Gifts. Chris wishes he could kiss her and has to rub her magic lamp. (That’s the first sentence that I didn’t exaggerate and I wish that I did.) She’s an eat your face kind of kisser and it looks real messy. My money’s on a sex tape before the end of this year from KardASHLEY, for obvious reasons.

kardashley

Britt may have been the only one who got a written note with Free Kiss, but the rest of the ladies hopped right on that train as Chris tongued every girl in the house. But he’s looking for THE ONE, so it’s okay guys. Jordan the sloppy drunk student wants in on that big spit swap orgy and fixes her lipstick, downs another shot then hits him up for a makeout. She’s this week’s slob kebab and makes everything awkward and then announces that it’s awkward because that’s the quickest way to make it 1000x worse. This is the first time I see Chris turn down a smooch.

Rose Ceremony:

Mackenzie, Megan and Katelynn have roses from before, Britt & KardASHLEY are called next (cause he obviously has them pegged to be polite, chaste ladies who wait until marriage…just kidding these are all the easiest biddies and Prince Farming has some fantasy suite plans in the works). He calls out to Juelia and Jillian/Man Shoulders starts walking. He firmly repeats that he called Juelia and Jillian catches her 6 inch stiletto from Deb on the carpet and almost wipes out. She recovers smoothly by laughing like a maniac while everyone covers their eyes and reveals that if they were her they’d probably just kill themselves. Unfortunately she is also given a rose later on after he makes her sweat it out and question why she ever is allowed out in public. The last person that I recall getting  a rose is OP and it literally disgusts me to have to type this. Our very own Prince Farming picked the girl who has multiple personalities and probably mixes vicodin with her gin and tonics every night… clearly just for ratings. If she isn’t out by next week I will sincerely be disappointed in this hunk of man meat.

Tara, Alissa, Jordan, Kimberly are sent home for sure. THE REST IS A BLUR.

 

Cringeworthy Moment(s) of the Week: 

Juelia shares that she has a daughter, Ireland and was married to Ireland’s dad. She then reveals to these women that she doesn’t know at all and are looking for weaknesses to undercut her, that her husband committed suicide right after she had the baby. Juelia is all tears and just wants to find the right moment to unload this all on Chris who will most definitely handle it really well. Samantha the fashion designer stares at Juelia and puts a limp hand on her shoulder to comfort the sobbing girl. And it just felt genuine, you know? Coming in at a close second for most cringeworthy moment is Jordan getting sloppy drunk, twerking on the wall and then going on a tyrant about Jillian’s hairy ass, which makes me wonder how often these girls have seen each other naked in the two days they’ve lived together.

Best Quotes of the Week:

“I know what he means by show me your country and he’s gonna see it” -Tara, most likely referring to the bottle of Jim Beam she has stashed in her bikini top. Girl never rides a tractor without Jim.

“I wish everyone could feel my insides right now.”-Megan before her date with Chris and also a not so subtle hint at how she would like her first date with Chris to end. HEYYOOO. K that was dirty. Sorry. Not.

“The most beautiful blue eyes in North America.”-Chris to Megan at their Grand Canyon picnic. He quickly backtracked and was like I mean California, I mean in this Canyon. SMOOOTH lines, Corn Boy.

“Your leather smells really great.”-OP/Ashley S. right before she cut a chunk of Chris’s leather jacket with her switchblade and put it in her secret box underneath her bed full of cat fur and pomegranates.

“We’re all talking about having the same boyfriend.”-Britt as she cries about her boyfriend cheating on her and giving out MAD free kisses.

“I’m never anybody’s number one”-Tara right after she was DUMPED by Chris. Girl, you’ll always have Jim Jack and Johnny. And your sport fishing career.

That’s it for this week! I look forward to more tonsil hockey and monitoring of Ashley S’s meds next week. Until then I leave you with the best picture Google has ever given me for a blog.

favorite picture ever

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