RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Pretty Mess”


So this episode was super boring. This episode was so boring, in fact, that Rinna having a screaming case of mudbutt and healing with yoga the next morning was something they found worth mentioning. Seriously, more than once we had to hear about Rinna’s fiery buhhole. Why? Because there was nothing else going on.

Well—nothing else except everyone slobbering all over Erika Jayne. I hate to jump aboard the train but I think I actually love Erika now too. Ugh it killed me to type that sentence. I love her for very different reasons than the rest of the housewives. For example, after taking to the Google, Rinna is actually afraid of Erika’s sexual prowess. Lisa calls her a prude and Eileen has the most interesting reaction of them all. She’s definitely a little bit turned on and a whole lot jelly. I guess Eileen has some very powerful fantasies about being in porn or something because she can’t let it go and like she has a schoolgirl crush, finds every opportunity to bring it up. I wouldn’t be surprised to see that Eileen has Erika’s YouTube page bookmarked for private times. “It’s so cool, what Erika does. It’s everybody’s fantasy.”-Eileen exclaims to the girls, who reply with blank stares like Eileen just revealed her and Vince like to have sex in a pile of garbage. Gawd, Eileen tuck your boner up into your waistband.

When the much-anticipated goddess finally arrives, the ladies all accost her the second she walks in the door, like she’s the most popular girl at the slumber party, to smell her hair and ask her what her hashtags mean. Except there might be a little popularity contest between Bethany Frankel and Erika Jayne. Since the housewives are in NY/NJ territory, we’re forced to put up with Bethany. Kyle tells a dumb story about how they met over thousand-dollar eye makeup remover or something and will always sound like a dick no matter how hard she tries. Since they’ve been friends FOREVER we get to watch them exchange old stories and inside jokes that none of us will get. Gr8 TV. Then they stalk Erika’s insta because that’s what girls do when they’re about to meet someone.

Bethany stays super discreet about her bitchy activity. Just kidding, she shakes Erika’s hand and says welcome to my home, I just looked at every picture you’ve ever posted online and my favorite was the one with your fingers up your vagina with knuckle rings on. Way to bury the lead on that one, Bethany. While Bethany asks Erika if she wants a rim job, Eileen silently stews over who loves Erika more. No seriously, I thought she was going to stab Bethany to show Erika she’s the most loyal fan. Especially when Bethany went HAM SAMMICH on Erika’s brand and the production value of her music video. Here’s why I like Erika—she sat there and listened, then calmly stated her case and that was that. The dinner party went on and she looked like the better person, especially because she wasn’t wearing a Flax onesie like Bethany (which of course ripped when she was learning how to dance like a stripper. #Karma.) My love for Erika only grew when she brought up how awks the dinner party was the next day and said, “Is she being a bitch or is she just being -Insert long pause and sinister smile- JEALOUS?!”

But enough about EJ already, the other five minutes of the episode spent not focused on her were about Eileen’s affair and how uncomfy she was when Lisa asked a lot of questions about it. The lesson to be learned here is that Lisa is nosy AF with everyone and Eileen better acclimate or become the next Brandi. And on a final note, Yo recovers from her silicon removal and David is a super insensitive asshole when he ribs on the phone to Lisa in front of his sickly wife, “Ken has better tits now.” Aaand crickets. Followed by divorce.


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