I’m gonna be real up front with you guys, because I’m just an honest gal, but I cannot stand Nick Viall. He was immature on Andi’s season when he shamed her on live tv for “making love” to him, and he acted like a 2 year old on Kaitlyn’s season when he made her O with the mics still on and then gloated about it to Shawn B. I don’t feel bad that he hasn’t found love, he’s a whiny famewhore that I don’t care to see on my TV ever again. Luke deserved to be Bachelor and everyone knows it. Ok. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest this should be a wild season. Not only because our leading man has a hardcore lisp and cries a lot on TV BUT ALSO because apparently his fetish is dating girls with an average age 10-12 years his junior, who fantasize about being mermaids and dolphins in their free time. Hold onto your fins..let’s dive right into this season’s gaggle of biddies.
By default, any female who wrote that she wanted to be a dolphin or Ariel has been clumped in my bottom rankings because ENOUGH. Also I looked back at last year’s ladies and 2 of them wanted to be dolphins as well so like where is this passion coming from? Dolphins rape people and everybody knows it. Especially me, because I googled it after meeting a dolphin who was getting a little too fresh at the Clearwater Aquarium in Florida. Ironically, the dolphin’s name was Nick. True Story. Evidence below:
Susannah, 26
Wants to be Ariel for her “AMAZING” hair and seashell bra.
Lauren, 30
A nice change of pace, the ONLY Lauren this season, but still wants to be a dolphin. Cause, like they’re cute AND smart.(Also her fave movies are Step Brothers and Hocus Pocus, which makes me WANT to like her but she had to ruin it with the dolphin love.)
Briana, 28
Ya girl Bri wants to be a dolphin so she can do flips and be cute. She ALSO wants to be Ariel because she has great hair and a hot boyfriend. Although I agree that Prince Eric is the hottest Disney leading man at best (Aladdin is #2 obv.) it still doesn’t change the fact that both of these answers are dumb AF.
Astrid, 26
Astrid is a “Plastic Surgery Office Manager”, whatever that is. Not only does her job sound completely made up, but her reasoning for becoming flipper is so she can do tricks and RESCUT LOST SAILORS. On what planet do dolphins rescue sailors? Did she mean rape them? Just wondering. Astrid ideally would not like to work a day in her life (shocker that she’s now in the reality TV game) and wants to be Ariel (BEFORE she got legs) so she can explore the ocean. Explore away, boo. Maybe you’ll find some lost sailors.
Angela, 26
Angela is a model by trade and a dolphin dreamer by night. She just thinks they’re so playful and sociable. Her guilty pleasure is licking the popcorn bag. So to run that back real quick, she’s paid to be pretty and skinny and one of her pasttimes is licking hot butter and salt off of paper. Sign me up to be a model as well. I’ll crush it.
Alexis, 23
Alexis is “an aspiring dolphin trainer” and therefore attempting to turn her dolphin fantasies into a career. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that she’s the nut that shows up in a dolphin costume on night one. Can’t wait to see if all of these dolphin loving ladies then follow her around like a cult leader. Alexis’ ex boyfriend once told her she had a mustache which is really embarrassing but not as embarrassing as wearing a dolphin costume that everyone on twitter immediately assumed was “Left Shark” when the above group photo was released. And so ends our dolphin and mermaid segment of this blog.
Jaimi, 28
Jaimi will eat Nick Viall for dinner. Jk he’s not a fish or a bird. J here is a “Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian”. If that doesn’t make you immediately want to say goodbye to her, let’s talk about how she impresses guys by bench pressing them with her legs. Hawt. Lastly, she catered the Oscars–which I can only assume means she delivered the pizzas?
Taylor, 23
Taylor is 23 and her favorite clothing designer is Forever 21.
Josephine, 24
Jo here felt the need to point out that she’s 5’7 3/4″ BECAUSE THAT 3/4 OF AN INCH CLEARLY MATTERS and wishes she could be Stephen Hawking. When you’re bound to a wheelchair, how will people know that you’ve got that extra 3/4 inch on ya? Just wondering.
Rachel, 31
I’m guessing Rachel is already too old for Nick and also could probably toss him over her shoulder looking at those Michelle Obama gunz she’s rocking. She’s a successful attorney and points out how much she focused on her career. Obviously someone this driven cannot commit to being famous for nothing for the rest of her life so it’s not going to work out. Unless of course, Nick has decided he needs a breadwinner while he extends his five seconds of fame into FAR TOO LONG. (Still not bitter.)
Liz, 29
Liz is a doula, which means she pulls babies out of other women’s vaginas (typically in their home). She birthed her niece and let me be the first to say that I never ever want to have my hands near either of my sister’s vaginas so this raises a red flag for me. In a little fill in the blank quiz, Liz admits that if she never had to “kill somone” she’d be happy. UH, SAME? Always hope you won’t have to commit murder in your lifetime. Seems reasonable.
Olivia, 25
Olivia is an “Apparel Sales Representative”, which is the Bachelor way of saying she works in retail. Hey guys, JUST SAY SHE WORKS IN RETAIL!!! It’s ok! We all know everyone quits their jobs to go on this show anyway! Liv was the kicker on her football team in high school and cried so hard during her first maid of honor speech because it was so bad that she had to take a TO in the middle of it. Not a great highlight reel so far.
Lacey, 25
Out of everyone living or dead, Lacey chose to have lunch with Joe Jonas and now she is dead to me.
Sarah, 26
The wildest thing Sarah ever did was move to NYC with “3 bucks”. So Sarah was clearly once homeless because I don’t know anyone with 3 bucks to their name who doesn’t sleep on a park bench at night.
Jasmine G, 29
Jazz is a pro BBall dancer, which is a super cool job–then she compared herself to Guy Fieri.
Raven, 25
Raven’s favorite actress was Brittany Murphy (WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE LOLOLOL) I’d love to get her hot takes on the Lifetime unauthorized Brittany Murphy biopic.
Vanessa, 29
Another Canadian in the mix, V is 5′ 3 AND A HALF”, if she could be any fruit or veggie she chooses onion and her favorite gift was a promise ring. I don’t think she’ll make it past the first night.
Ida Marie, 23
WHAT a name. Ida Marie eats cheetos with a pickle. I love cheetos, and I love pickles, but I nearly barfed that the thought of mixing the two. Clean it up, IM.
Corinne, 24
Cleavage Corinne over here is in the process of lasering off all of her tats. It should be illegal for her to tell us that and not give the juicy deets of what she regrets inking, accompanied with pictures.
Kristina, 24
Instead of keeping it light and fun in her bio, Kristina gave us a peek into her past by saying she’d like to be her mom for a day to understand why she chose alcohol over her kids. She was an orphan and is grateful for her parents adopting her. We will obviously hear her entire history on night one. Also, on the bright side–when asked who her favorite designer is, she said herself.
Whitney, 25
Whit lives life with no ragrets, Tim Riggins style and really wants to be Gisele so she can be a model AND married to Tom Brady. Get in line, girl.
Danielle M, 31
Danielle lost her fiance and moved to Nashville to start over so she will be pegged immediately by producers as the damaged one going through a hardship. If we’ve learned anything it’s that you don’t want to end up like Kelsey Sanderson Poe, who scripted her time on the Bachelor better than a trashy lifetime movie.
Elizabeth, 24
Elizabeth wants to be BOTH Britney Spears and Kate Middleton. Cause, like, they have so much in common. She also has misophonia which is when you hate listening to others chew. So basically everyone on this planet suffers from that because chewing is supes gross.
Brittany, 26
Brittany seems normal and probably will make it far but for entertainment value she’s a real snooze. She knows that food is the way to a man’s heart and wants to be married with a kid in five years. Also not to be petty (but totally to be petty) I’m all for trying out the choker trend mostly because I idolize Kaitlyn Bristowe and she’s all in on chokers but this one having loose tails that hang down is really throwing me off. I don’t love it.
Dominique, 25
Dominique mentions Chipotle and burritos twice in her bio (in addition to a brunch shout out) so she’s like one step away from becoming a walking basic betch graphic tee. But I like her because her lunch date with three people alive or dead consisted of Jesus, Leonardo Dicaprio and her Grandpa. What a crew!
Michelle, 24
Speaking of zany choices for lunch with 3 celebs, Michelle (who owns a food truck) tossed down Dumbledore, Gwen Stefani and Princess Diana. WHAT WOULD THESE THREE TALK ABOUT?! The ideas are endless. Also I’m gonna need to know exactly what type of food she trucks, stat.
Danielle L, 27
Dan-triple-L is a babe soda, started a business when she was 23 and <3’s Chrissy Teigen of course.
Hailey, 23
Hailez is a Canadian who loves 90’s music and building schools in China on the DL. So she’s chill AF and also does good shit for the world. Plus she’s pretty. Do we think she knew Nick was the Bach when she signed up for this?
Jasmine B, 25
I’m down with Jasmine. Not only does she have an “always and forever” tat (shoutout to the best fictional couple to ever get married and have a baby before high school graduation) but the flaws she listed were that she’s “too nice” and “cares too much.” CLASSIC job interview spin zone. Oh list my weaknesses? Sure, I’m too pretty. #TeamJB
Christen, 25
Christen topped my list not because she’s the hottest or the most interesting. It’s because her weird obsession made me laugh the hardest. (There was never going to be a frontrunner in this mix, sorry bout it.) Anyway, it was business as usual reading Christen’s blurb and fearing a shoutout to dolphins when I noticed that peeping tom is more her style. When asked if she could break any law–she said she wants to break into the White House and hide in a closet just to see what goes on. Then if she could have any job in the world she chose the President. Girl just wants to creep all up in that White House and I have no choice but to respect it.
Welp that’s it. That’s this year’s crop of 30 dazzling girls. Who will be a frontrunner? It’s literally impossible to tell. Tune in January 2nd for the 100 hour premiere. I for one, CAN wait.
vs. 
The Salty Ju 