Author Archives: Thesaltyju

Red Carpet

Oscars 2018 Red Carpet

The final awards show this season and one last chance for me to get my shots in about the people who starred in the top movies I never saw this past year. JK I saw Ladybird and I, Tonya, so I pretty much crushed it. Fun plot twist this year, apparently if you went to the Olympics and everyone loved you, you also got an invite to the Oscars. Hm, ok. Don’t hate it because I’m an Olympics superfan but still a little weird. Also I’m not sure if all the ladies were on the same page for “wear a color for your cause” because it seemed as though there was a toss up between pink, white and red for which color makes the TIME’S UP statement. Anyway, here we GO!

WORST

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

Excuse me ma’am did you get lost and stumble onto the red carpet? What’s the security like out there?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m all about the gold and I would love this dress if it didn’t have the girl scout sash of beads across her shoulder.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m not even kidding I thought this was a costume for an SNL sketch because 90% of the time Maya looks like she’s smirking and there’s no way that this can be taken seriously.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Thanks for showing up with astro turf on your bod.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

From what I hear (spoiler alert) this is the actress who played a mute woman who had sex with a swamp creature and this dress isn’t doing anything to distract me from that.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

These flowers are annoying me. I realize how petty I’m being but GUESS WHAT ITS MY RED CARPET AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This take might ruffle some feathers because everyone is drooling all over this dress but what the hell is with the GIANT BOW dangling off her basically non-existent waist?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I love a good mint but the top half of this is too house on the prairie.

90th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

This is not what I was expecting. Is the Oscars really the place to debut a pink sparkly number with giant hoops? Just wondering.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Ok, that is enough.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Looking over her sunglasses (definitely transition lenses) at the camera like this is such a bold red carpet pose I don’t even know what to do with it. Doesn’t change the fact that she’s wearing a bedspread.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’ve been a real flip flopper on this. Originally I was like ok she’s quirky and yellow is different but then I always circle back to you’re making history as the first female director nominated in like 30 years and you chose to wear a banana colored prom dress on the big night.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Armie, you’re probably the hottest guy at the Oscars (no Leo this year 😦 or Harry Styles…) and you chose to dress like a waiter. I do not accept this.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I love me some Adam Rippon and his sass on sass on sass at the Olympics was everything I never knew I needed but this outfit unfortunately is not.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a lot happening all at once.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

WHEN WILL VELVET GO AWAY THOUGH?! Jordan looks dece.

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

Apparently this old bird wore this dress to the Oscars when they first started or something and repurposed it for this year’s red carpet.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is a cotton candy snooze.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

SELMA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. IS THIS VELVET OR SHIMMERS OR ALL OF THE ABOVE? BARF CITY.

BEST

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Full disclosure at first I hated this but now it’s growing on me and also male fashion was slim pickins’ this year.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Gal basically adorned herself in diamonds & sparkles and this is how you should dress for the Oscars.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I feel like we haven’t seen Sandy in forever and I’ve missed her so much. I would’ve rather watched her and Nicole Kidman shoot the shit about Practical Magic and drinking tequila for 3 hours than the actual awards.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Zendaya usually dresses like a real asshole so I approve of this wholeheartedly.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Pretty sure this is Margot Robbie’s go-to look this awards season but it obviously works so whatever.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

DA-YUMN, GRL.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Obviously not the best Emma’s ever looked but her hair looks fresh AF and she’s rockin the sexy biz suit deal.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Since Meryl has declared herself queen of all, I’m assuming red was the official time’s up color for this show.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

They’re so cute and ever since I saw The Big Sick I’m all about these two lovebirds.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Honestly I wouldn’t dare put Taraji on the worst dressed. Did you see her curbstomp Ryan Seacrest?

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Camila kind of looks dead behind the eyes and Matthew does nothing but creep me out ever since Magic Mike but props to the coordination of her jewels and his bowtie.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Look at this little heartthrob nugget. Brought his mom as his date and wears a white tux, panty soaker 101.

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I shit on Giuliana a lot so here’s me being nice. She looks fab.

90th Academy Awards - Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I’m putting my prejudices aside as I’ve been re-watching One Tree Hill and Maria as Jules is one of the worst characters on this planet but she looks like a babe soda.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Ya’ll know I dig a good princess ball gown.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Classsssic.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Still can’t believe this is Jonah Hill’s sis.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

The one Olympian who got it right for the red carpet. Good thing Tonya Harding wasn’t invited…

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This stomps all over Meryl Streep’s red gown, respectfully of course.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals90th Annual Academy Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 04 Mar 2018

I’ll group these two together since that’s what the red carpet did all night. They showed up as dates to talk about feminist legislation and stuff. Both look gr8. I’m really digging on the flower gown.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is tough because Laura is on point here but you KNOW how I hate a rogue sleeve. So unnecessary.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Only MJB can make Jimmy Neutron hair look this classy.

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Now this is a boss outfit.

FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

90th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m obsessed with everything going on here. The dress. The color. Her windblown model hair. The fact that she hasn’t aged a day ever. DO IT UP JEN.

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Salty Stories

My First Big Girl Job

This past week I went down a very, very dark rabbit hole of perusing the documents saved on my computer. Being the nerd that I was, I had every paper, presentation and video I’d ever created dating back to 2009 when I got my very first lappytop. It was all fun and games lawling over my powerpoint on the Kardashians from my joke semester in Italy until I found my pre-blog days. When I graduated college I would randomly regurgitate blog-type rants and save them to look back on when I’d made it as a screenwriter and was famous as hell. Well here I am, an events assistant, uproariously laughing out loud at the things I bitched about when I was 22 or 23 and I’ve decided that since I now actually have an avenue to share them on, why not toss one in every once in a while for a #tbt laugh. This week’s edition is my stream of consciousness from my first post-college job where apparently I spent more time watching Days of Our Lives and picking my bike shorts out of my buhhole than actually doing anything worthwhile. I aptly titled it “The Office.”

Starting out at a new office this summer and I’m the part-time, temporary receptionist. The title alone gives everyone in the office reason to ignore me. They only see me half the day, if they happen to come to the front desk, and the job goes for three months. So I guess it makes sense that literally no one talks to me except for the one guy that realized I also am addicted to Days of Our Lives and we talk shop. By shop I obviously mean we talk about whose having sex and whose been arrested in Salem. Unfortunately like an asshole I couldn’t remember what happened in an episode the other day and he hasn’t talked to me since. I lost my only friend because I was distracted at work and couldn’t watch TV. Yep, the job is going well. Anyway, my point of this rant is that I was in the bathroom the other day thinking of how I’ve completely proven that I’m a weirdo, making it much more difficult for people to want to talk to me once they get past the fact that I’ll be gone in two weeks.

Anyway, have you ever gone into a public bathroom or a bathroom at work and considered that they might have security cameras in the bathroom (not the stalls you perv) to prevent theft or like group sex? Well as I was in there I did my normal questioning of if there’s cameras and then decided that I reallllyyyyyyyy hope there’s not. Reasons why I hope there are no security cameras in my office bathroom:

  1. I didn’t learn how to use the automatic paper towel dispenser for three weeks.

Okay so this is not even a little bit a joke, although I really wish it were. About halfway down the paper towel dispenser there is a hand waving above a red light, which I assumed to be a sensor. So for three whole weeks I jived my hand around that and almost cried every time no paper towels came out. Usually there was a backup roll that I could end up using after my frustrating dance. One time there wasn’t, and I returned to the desk with sopping hands, which was real uncomfy. One day, on accident my hand went under the dispenser as I was walking to the sink and magically a foot of paper towels shot out. It was that exact moment in life that I questioned how I graduated college.

  1. I often go into the bathroom to pull up my skirt or dress and pull my bike short spandex that I’m wearing underneath out of my butthole. I have never once gone into a stall to do this.

As a 22 year old chick I own about 4 dresses that are long enough to be considered business casj, so naturally I think it’s AOK to wear my short dresses with bike short spandex underneath, thinking that when the inevitable bend over occurs, at least someone will be getting a glimpse of spandex instead of my asshole. The only problem being that these shorts often like to hang out in my asshole, especially after four hours of sitting, so adjustments are absolutely necessary.

So that’s why I’m hoping there are no cams in the bathroom, or like a bathroom peeping tom (ew.) I did discover about a month into the job that two security cameras cover the front desk where I sit. So it’s a mere miracle that I haven’t been fired from my activity up there. Again I questioned my intelligence if I couldn’t figure out that a news station in the seediest area of Albany would have security cameras all around the reception area. Once I did and realized how many dumb things I did regularly, I started staring directly into the cameras after I did something dumb. So that definitely doesn’t draw attention to me… Anyway, things that the front desk security cameras have caught me doing:

  1. Taking stupid snapchat selfies.
  2. Re-taking snapchat selfies several times when I inevitably have a double chin.
  3. Picking my wedgie. (We went over this…)
  4. Throwing my phone and pretending I’m not using it every time I hear someone coming.
  5. Going to great lengths to hide the cover of whatever inappropriate book I’m reading when I have to answer the phone or someone comes in unexpectedly.
  6. Putting the phones on night mode when I go to the bathroom and then forgetting to switch it back after I sit down again, then sitting for an hour before realizing the phones are off.

Whoa, that escalated quickly into things I could potentially get fired from my part-time temporary receptionist position for. My bad guys….shit got real, real quick. Confessional OVER.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – The One Where Ross Surprises Becca

After last week’s lead off with Arie and Kendall stuffing dead white mice in a creepy warehouse full of animal skins, I contemplated not only giving up on this season, but giving up on this trash ass franchise as a whole. Instead, I gave myself a break, didn’t subject myself to the hometown visits or the women tell all and I’m back at it for the final 2 episodes feeling rejuvenated after watching about 10 zillion hours of One Tree Hill in the past week. I’m ready to finish off this season with minimal interest and stories about myself. No need to update me on what I missed because it can be summed up in 30 seconds. Tia is gone, Arie still has 0.0% chemistry with the remaining plain bagels and apparently Krystal decided to start using her real voice once she saw how much America hated her. Ok, let’s bop to Ica, Peru for the final three smash suites.

Kendall

K-money laces up her hiking boots that match perfectly with her crop top. EYE. ROLL. It’s fitting that the girl who wears a crop top on every date is being questioned if she’s ready for marriage. Arie mauls her face in the middle of a desert and says that he missed her. A guy drives them around sand dunes and they act like they’re on a rollercoaster and giggle a lot. Kendall isn’t ready to get married so this is a GIANT waste of time. Déjà vu to hawt Peter from last season shooting himself in the foot in the same way. Kendall wants to know if Arie sees her as a wife in spite of the fact that she likes to manhandle dead animals. He answers by kissing her and inviting her to the fantasy suite. Kendall takes this time to give us a 20-minute speech as to why she’s decided to bone him. If this is any indication, we’re 15 mins into the ‘sode and already filling space. BUCKLE YO SEATBELTS.

In the morning, Arie said they were up all night talking. Ya, ok…TAWWWLKKKING. They discuss about how they each like their eggs and all I can think of is Date Mike and it’s more entertaining than anything that has ever happened on this show.

date mike

Lauren

Real talk, does Lauren have a pulse? Because honestly the only time I’ve seen these two bozos together there’s just complete silence. WTF is their relationship? Basically Lauren is just terrified and Arie only knows how to say yeah. Arie spends the evening portion of the date reassuring Lauren and convincing her that she should be there. He says he loves her and obviously she doesn’t say much back because she’s basically a mute. For the record, “Don’t cry, I love you” is probably one of the ickiest sentences ever uttered. Lauren says from the beginning her and Arie have had this unspoken connection. Um, could it be because they actually don’t speak to each other? A shitty version of Leann Rimes “How Do I Live” plays as Arie and Lauren make out then find their way to the bed. So apparently we’re watching an episode of a 90’s teen soap now. How do I live through another episode of this, amirite? The next morning, Lauren says, “I can’t see Arie ending up with anyone else but me.” KISS OF DEATH, LAUREN, KOD.

Becca

Becca hasn’t said she loves Arie yet and she’s decided to hold onto that tidbit until later in the date. Someone should tell Becca that Arie already told the mute he loves her. Time to catch up or get off the catamaran. She finally grows a set and tells him. He says back that he’s also in love. UGH WHAT A DUM DUM. When will these bholes learn that girls who are insecure about you dating other girls at the same time WILL NOT BE OKAY WITH YOU TELLING MULTIPLE GIRLS YOU LOVE THEM? The answer is obviously never. Arie says he wants to propose to Becca right now and end it. So like, does he actually love Lauren orrrrr?

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In attempts to stir up any sort of drama and wake us all up, Becca’s ex Ross shows up at Arie’s doorstep dressed for a summer wedding. Arie goes “why is hotel management here?” Sick roast, Air-y. Ross tells Arie that Becca is the love of his life and he wants to marry her. Becca hears him out on the front steps of her bungalow before she promptly tells Ross that life isn’t like the Notebook. Wait, so you’re telling me Ryan Gosling will not build me a house and wait for me to find him then make sweet, sweet love to me in it? Well let me just go kill myself real quick. Either way, Becca is not having it. Especially when Ross says he talked to “that guy” whose name he can’t recall. That’s when she really lays down the hammer. Ross, you done goofed. He says he wishes her the best and has no business being here.

idiot

(PS he’ll be insta-famous by sundown tonight.)

Arie is concerned that someone he’s about to propose to has too much baggage named Ross. Good thing he kept his options open by saying he loves and sees a future with two girls. At the rose ceremony, Arie pulls Kendall aside to talk to her and break up with her in the most uncomfortable way possible. He basically thanks her for that amazing night of “talking” and then says he doesn’t know. We all know, Arie. Even Kendall was like yeah I get it, thanks for the memz. If Kendall ends up Bachelorette and we’re in for a whole season of animal carcass touchin, you can count me ALL THE WAY OUT.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/12/18

1. LEAVE JEN ALONE.

jennifer-aniston-justin-theroux-critics-choice-awards-2016

Jennifer Aniston is America’s Sweetheart. You know it, I know it, Brad Pitt knows it. As America’s Sweetheart, the media can’t stop crawling up her ass and being all up in her shit 24/7. When Brad left her for that skankwad homewrecker pretending to be a charitable activist and they adopted 5 million kids, everyone was like POOR JEN — SHE’LL BE SINGLE FOREVER. When she started dating Justin Theroux they were all like OMG she’s rebounding and trying to find love when her heart is still broken. When it was clear that they were in it for the long haul but hadn’t tied the knot yet, it was all about how she’ll never settle down again, which quickly turned into a 5 year bump watch. When she declared that she wasn’t pregnant it was like poor Jen she’ll never have a family. And now LOOK WHERE WE ARE, AMERICA. You did this. You broke up Jen and Justin. Not me. You. And now homegirl has to listen to everyone dissect her 7 year relationship, say how it never worked because she never got over Brad, then speculate a Brad/Jen reunion for the next 5 years. Brad is human garbage. Jen is a G-D goddess. I hope you think long and hard about what you did here, America. Also, Jen, give me a call gurl, I’m also going through a breakup and wouldn’t hate it if you swept me away to Mexico for a little recovery girls trip ❤ We’ll get through this together.

jennifer-aniston

2. Shotgun Wedding.

amy-wedding

I was once a shipper of Amy Schumer. Mostly because I’m a disgusting female who doesn’t like to pretend that I’m ladylike in any way, shape, or form. Then Amy started going a little too far. She was embracing the “I’m a slut who probably has a drinking problem” a little TOO much and I was like hmmm, not my cup of tea. My tipping point was probably around the time when I saw her standup show live and she was visibly hammered. Could’ve just run into you at a bar like that tbh, didn’t need to drop $40 on a ticket. All opinions aside, Amy casually got married to a guy she’s been dating for like 3 months. It was a secret wedding but OF COURSE cool grl Jennifer Lawrence was there because they’re like besties or whatever. Gonna be honest, already looks like JLaw stole the spotlight. Anyway, hope it works out for ya!

weddingjlaw

3. Scary Em is Back.

Here’s the latest music video for Eminem’s unlikely collab with everyone’s favorite angel-voiced Brit. I loved the song when I first heard it because well, Ed. Didn’t really expect it to take this dark turn with the video but oh boy, it did. In a borderline documentary (honestly not sure if it’s real or fake) Eminem basically destroys a marriage and forces the married chick he’s been boning to get an abortion. YIKES Em. NOT GREAT.  Since I’m a big music video guy, I lapped up every minute of this extended drama but if we’re comparing volatile relationship music videos from Eminem, Love the Way You Lie still takes the cake for me.

4. Ginger Jules.

I’m not sure how one “identifies as a red head” but it is 2018 after all and apparently that’s a thing too. Being born knowing you’re supposed to have a different hair color as if that affects your personality/outlook on life. Or like, choosing to be a ginger. HMMM. After JoJo’s season on the Bachelorette I decided that I needed a hair change, as every girl does from time to time, but I didn’t want to fully commit. So I collected pics of sunkissed ombre / scattered blonde pieces just like this…

JOJO

…and true to every hair coloring experience ever, I unexpectedly walked out of the salon a full-on blonde. Thank God it was summer and I was tan or we would’ve had a real situation on our hands. Either way, I didn’t post on Instagram the minute my head was dyed that I was born to be a blonde. And I didn’t act any different because my hair was bleached. I probably would’ve worn a backwards trucker hat every day that summer anyway. CRUSHED IT. #onceyougoblondeyoudresslikealez

blonde

But anyway, enough about me, thank God she matched her eyebrows though.

5. I just love Blake so much.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BfPhnH6AVOi/?taken-by=blakelively

meryl

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – On the Precipice of Falling in Love

Tuscany

Jacqueline is at a point where she feels like she could make the decision to fall in love.

Jason-Segel-Oh-Honey-On-How-I-Met-Your-Mother

Let’s Fall in Love Under the Tuscan Sun with Becca

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They drive an old hot rod into town and Arie shows us he sucks at Italian when he orders a loaf of bread. On their picnic, Becca reassures Arie that she likes him and is here for him. WHY?! He should be reassuring you instead of giving you literally nothing and speaking shitty Italian!

Later, Becca reassures Arie more by saying she’s falling for him and wants him to meet her family and he’s like thank you, here’s a rose. I really genuinely like Becca and therefore I hope that she doesn’t end up with Arie. She does make me doubt her choices when she takes her shoes off outside to make out with Arie against a wall.

In subplot that makes me go WTF this week…Jacqueline cries to Kendall that she has doubts about how feasible this relationship is. But really, she’s using words like feasible and precipice to decode if she likes Arie or not. Go home, Jacqueline, you’re drunk. It’s aggressive that this is made into a do or die storyline but I guess this is what happens when your only villain gets kicked off. Jacqueline goes to Arie’s room, swigs his wine, rubs the back of his head and tells him she’s not confident in her feelings for him. After one date, Jacqueline doesn’t want to be married to Arie and living in Scottsdale. Then she grabs his face so hard and kisses it, I’m actually afraid. We are witnessing the worst part about this show. Put a bunch of women on TV to fight for a guy’s affection and let all of their relationship insecurities run wild. WOOF. Not for nothing, but I noticed as J was manhandling Arie’s head that she’s wearing a claddagh ring facing inward. So like, maybe go home to your boyfriend. Either way, forcefully making out with Arie, sobbing, and incessantly touching her hair isn’t helping her create feelings for this dud, so she bids the pack adieu.

This Looks so Italian! with Lauren B

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They ride bikes and Arie shows off by standing on his bike probably trying to get any sort of reaction out of Lauren. She smiles and says nothing. Stop trying to kill yourself to impress Lauren, it’s never going to happen, Arie. Over some native ‘za, Lauren expresses that Arie would be the first guy introduced to her parents since her ex fiancé. Pressure’s on. Little bambinos kick the soccer ball at Arie to interrupt this incredibly awkward convo and Arie’s like HEY, LET’S JOIN THESE STREET CHILDREN WITHOUT AN INVITE. As my friend Kristi pointed out, Lauren then has to play soccer in a strapless bra, which is pretty much the worst thing that could happen in Italy, or like anywhere

At dinz, Lauren B says she’s starting to fall in love and Arie literally just peaces out. Like gets up and walks away from her. I’m secondhand mortified for LB. The first time she speaks more than 4 words and he’s like BYEEEEE. One time a guy in a bar walked away from me and when he returned he admitted that he farted and needed to take a lap to air it out. Upon Arie’s return he said he needed to walk away because he’s falling deeply in love with Lauren. It’d be much more acceptable if he too needed to walk upwind of his gas. MAJOR BACHELOR FAUX PA. Remember when sweet, dumb, unlovable Ben Higgins told two girls he loved them? That went real well. Jus sayin.

Pups in a Winery with Seinne

Blah, blah, blah, Seinne is WAY TOO good for Arie and therefore this date is super pointless. They make heart shaped pizzas, which is a perfect segue for me to tell a story about myself (again.) When I was studying abroad in Florence like the white privileged basic betch that I am, I learned how to put away an entire pizza, plus a lot of Carlsberg beers, plus a lot of kebabs. Most importantly, I learned that if I went to Gusta pizza and the boys made me a heart-shaped pizza, I was looking like a dime that day. If I came in hungover and unshowered, I could expect a regular ass circle pie like the human garbage that I was. Bottom line, I hope Seinne appreciated that heart shaped pizza. Mi Manchi, Gusta. (Yes, I Google translated that because 3 years of Italian and a semester in Italy and I retained absolutely nothing.) Also, of course Arie sends her home. All the girls are so shocked, especially the elf on the shelf/Bill Cosby/Gilligan/Fat Albert/Jeopardy Guy, etc.

 

The Other Three “Date”

Arie says, “Ciao, Ciao, Ciao” giving me hard flashbacks to when every creeper Italian on this earth would shout Ciao Bella at me in a rapey way. Bekah is not having a great outfit episode. She goes from her triple XL red sweater with a white collared shirt to Little House on the Prairie. Tia has concerns for Arie wanting to be called Daddy by a 22 year old who dresses like a monk and what that might mean for her relationship. Credit where credit’s due though, Tia also tells Bekah she talked mad shit. Bekah sobs and runs right into Arie’s arms for cuddles & comforts and possibly a quick lullaby. After she calms down, Arie wants to know about her family because he knows they disapprove of this process. Bekah chooses not to disclose that her mom disapproved so much that she reported her own child missing. Bekah says she’s getting white hairs because she’s like, so old. No…really. And then, OUTTA LEFT FIELD, Kendall gets the first rose!

An outfit change later, Bekah tells Arie, “Have a little faith in my 22-year-old self.” She gets sent home. Arie cries about not seeing their lives together but also because he really, really wanted to bone Bekah.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Au revoir Baby Voice

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Chris Harrison: Welcome to paris, Man!

Arie: Thanks, Dude

#BROMANCE.

Something French with Lauren B.

Arie tells Lauren he was saving this date for her. Which seems like a real load of bullshit. They take a walking tour of the city (what a special date to save) and Lauren says wow a bunch of times. She is a less talkative Lauren B from Ben Higgins’ season. The B stands for boring and that’s obvious. Arie comes off a little desperate for someone who’s dating 10 other girls right now. He says he’s looking for reassurance from Lauren that she likes him. He can’t stop repeating in different variations that he has a boner for her but there’s not a lot of brain activity happening up top.

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At dinner, Lauren confesses that she friend zones everyone and doesn’t feel like she can open up until she trusts someone. So like this certainly is not the show for her. Arie in turn confesses that he knocked up his last serious girlfriend. She lost the baby and left him all at the same time. For once, Lauren B reacts with something other than “wow.” Kind of an unexpected turn of events to slip that story in there, Arie. The shocking story helps Lauren to open up a little more and therefore get rosed.

Let’s Get All Dressed Up with Becca, Bekah, Seinne, Tia, Jenna & Chelsea

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It’s this season’s choreography date where the dancers crush it and the awkward birds (like me) look like spazzoids and probably cry about it! Good thing the Bachelor doesn’t allow fatties to participate because the girls all suit up in two piece bedazzled thongs for the Moulin Rouge main act. Black boxes GALORE covering up all these bholes. After Arie inspects each individual buhhole strutting across the stage, he hangs with all the girls before announcing which HPOA gets the rose and stage time. It’s Bekah, you know the one whose known to not call her mom and end up on a missing persons list? She sobs it up like an itty bitty baby. A missing one, at that. In a brutal turn of events, all of the rejects have to watch Bekah shake her 22-year-old T&A all over Arie from the audience.

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We’ll Always Have Paris with Kendall & Krystal

This is what happens when you only have one villain for a two on one date. We get the most random match up ever. Arie goes into the giant maze and whichever girl finds him first gets time with him. What a tactic. I for one would’ve just left right there. One time I did a corn maze with my friend that was set up for children and we were in there for hours freaking out that we may never resurface again. The sun was starting to set. There might have been tears and a whole lot of panic. When we finally emerged at dusk, the smartass teenager running it ROASTED us in front of everyone and basically told us we were mentally challenged. So yeah, if any man asked me to find him in a maze I’d chuck up my deuces immediately. Lucky for Kendall, who ends up back at the beginning, a PA steers her in the right direction and she’s found Arie by the time the commercial break is over.

Krystal blubbers a whole lot of um’s to Arie about how they’re connecting and working through a challenge then uses her remaining time to say Kendall shouldn’t be there and isn’t ready for love. In typical 2 on 1 date fashion, Arie then repeats this verbatim to Kendall to see how she’ll handle it. She holds her own then tries to kill Krystal with kindness after and tell her that she understands her and sees the beauty within her. It’s super weird and gives me all the uncomfies. Probably because Kendall literally scoots closer to touch Krystal’s arm while that little baby porny voiced B stares up at the sky with dead eyes. It’s not a part of her snakey script so she cannot comprehend what’s happening.

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The date is extended to dinner because Arie can’t decide. He finally gives Kendall the rose because he “sees more promise in their relationship.” YOU GOT SERVED, KRYSTAL. BOOYAH. Her fake ass monologue about wanting to feel accepted and good enough plays in between cuts of Kendall and Arie watching the Eiffel Tower light show and jamming their tongues down each other’s throats. Again, not to brag but I knew Krystal had one more week left in her before she was tossed. It’s like this show is scripted or something. HMMMMM.

Let’s Meet Jaqueline for the first time before she probably gets sent home…

We are mere seconds into the date and the one whose studying to get her PHD SAYS THIS?! RLY?! “It is hot when guys who know things about things, do things about things.” Arie buys Jacqueline a fancy dress to wear to their dinner date where he admits that she’s far too intelligent for him. HEY GIRL, THAT’S A RED FLAG. ARIE IS DUMB. AND INTIMIDATED BY YOUR SMARTNESS. AND WANTS A GIRL TO MOVE TO LA WITH AND PROMOTE SHIT ON INSTAGRAM. When J-Dawg talks about her 6 year plan of getting her PHD, Arie tells her that he feels like he’s holding her back. She then quickly offers to do whatever in order to date him. And this is a role model for you, ladies! Dream, schreams, if a guy chooses you, that’s all that matters! Woof this date is cringeworthy, especially when Arie gives her the rose and says they’ll figure it out. Start researching Fit Tea!

Roses: Lauren, Bekah, Kendall, Jaqueline, Tia, Seinne, Becca

Guess Arie doesn’t want to be a dad, see ya Chelsea! Next up, Tuscany!

PS The editing team tries to throw one hell of a sizzle reel together to fake us all out into believing that this show might actually get interesting this season. I’m gonna go ahead and spoil it for you, it won’t.

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Music, Television

TimberBowl Recap

I haven’t made it a regular thing to recap the Super Bowl. In fact, the last time I did was #49, the year of Left Shark and my very first Super Bowl win that affected my life. The Pats won, I was working in downtown Boston and got to pretend to be a fan in order to leave work for 90% of the day and watch the parade. Gronk pointed at me, I creeped on Brady and Edelman, it was a win win for everyone really. (Not so much this year…ZING.) Anyway, I got carried away there, the point of the story is, I’m gonna try and recap the Super Bowl for content again. And by recap I obviously mean laugh it up over some commercials and drool over mah main man JT.

Top Three Commercials (The only three that made me laugh):

Sprint Robots. I have the sense of humor of a five year old and this commercial was right up my alley. Robot looks this doc right in the eye and tells him he has a dumb face. BOOM. ROASTED. BY A ROBOT.

Doritos Blaze / Mountain Dew Ice. I’ve been a huge fan of Lip Sync Battle ever since it was just a sketch on Fallon and this is why. Having a celeb commit to performing someone else’s song and nailing every word is impressive. It’s even better when it’s not even close to what you expected coming out of their mouth. Peter Dinklage rapping Busta perfectly followed by Morgan Freeman doing Missy? Yes, please.

NFL Dirty Dancing. Odell Beckham Jr. and Eli Manning did the Dirrrrty and since we know OBJ has moves for days, they gave Eli the lead. And let me tell you, he was stiff as a board. Not one hip swivel that would’ve made Patrick Swayze proud.

Creepiest Commercial Award goes to: Steven Tyler driving a Kia and coming out of it a wax statue of his younger years. Seeing that was ALMOST as rough as his janky ass toes that he flaunts all over the joint.

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And finally, the real reason for this event…TIMBERBOWL TIME.

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JT kicked it off with Filthy (which I called, NBD but KBD), he struts his stuff and grinds on some betches and it’s gametime. He then dives into a medley of nothin but the hits, which isn’t really news because JT has only been putting out bangers for the past 20 years. What we do need to address is his wooftastic outfit. Busy AF mountain patterned coordinated separates, as he’s flanked by dancers wearing army green gauchos and red suspenders. YIKES. He’s really embracing this woodsy vibe I guess. This was strike one of the performance. (Adding a jacket for Suit & Tie on top of that barfarama didn’t help matters either, nor did it distract from that red handkerchief hanging from his neck.)

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Strike two was taking it down halfway through for a piano solo and casual Prince projection that he played along with. I get that Prince is from Minnesota so it was supposed to be a nice tribute but like, odd way to do it. Shouts to the purple lights over the city though, cause that was cooler than watching a VHS projected on a bedsheet hanging behind his piano.

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Most importantly let’s talk about Mirrors and how it gave me chills and will continue to do so until the end of time. I wish the entire halftime performance was just him performing Mirrors, uncut. I would watch that all day, erreday. Oh yeah, and some 13 year old wiener got to take a billion selfies with JT during the trolls finale and clearly didn’t know the words to Can’t Stop the Feeling, which you have to be a moron not to know the words to. GET IT TOGETHER, KID. The internet has immediately roasted him for not having a clue who Justin even is. So now we’ve made him even more famous. Eye roll.

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Overall rating: Safe halftime show, wooftastic wardrobe, entertaining obviously but could’ve used more fun stuff (like maybe an N*SYNC reunion). Also that dancing?! Undie slush city.

PS Everyone can F all the way off with this shit about JT creating controversy by performing Rock Your Body without Janet Jackson. HEY WORLD, JANET JACKSON IS IRRELEVANT, JT GETTING THE HALFTIME SHOW IS NOT AN ATTACK ON HER OR HER RACE. STFU.

BONUS: Since I stayed up WAY past my bed time. Like WAY WAY (talking 2am, folks) to watch Jack Pearson traumatically die and then FINALLY the tonight show. Here’s some clippy clips. JT and JFall continued to make me giggle and feel as though I am a part of their bromance as they do silly voices and have inside jokes. Me too, guys! I’m in this too! Also Justin continued his new “outdoorsy” lewk with jeans, tims, a bright orange shirt and camo jacket. I’m a little peeved with him replacing the fedora with this weird Marv from Home Alone beanie. But whatevs. He performed two songs as well but lezzz be real, I stayed up just to watch him act like an idiot with his BFF Jimmy.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Investing In Myself

REBECCA, ARIE LUYENDYK JR.

Florida stuff with Chelsea

They yacht it up and then Chelsea straddles Arie on a jetski while the ladies watch from the balcony with a telescope like masochistic peeping toms. They’re all feeling very victimized by this makeout session that they’re spying on.

Later Chelsea talks about falling for a sugar daddy basically, sorry—she called him, “older and more successful.” They were together 7 years and he peaced out when her son was 6 months old for another girl who he married and had a kid with. YIKES THAT SUCKS. That’s my reaction to this story, Arie’s reaction is an exaggerated pout and some croc tears. Ok, bro. He roses her because “he’s proud she’s here.” Why are words such a difficult feat for this man? They dance to a not famous country singer that Chelsea pretends to be stoked to see.

chelsea

Maquel makes her triumphant return after some family time, wasn’t really expecting her to be allowed back. Seems kind of like one of those situations where you leave for good because you’re 23 and probably weren’t a big contender anyway plus like you just had a family member die. But whatevs.. in other news, Tia has no makeup on and looks like a completely different person. I prefer her fresh faced, why cake on the makeup, girl?

There’s Not a Moment to Spare with Maquel, Krystal, Becca, Bekah, Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline & Lauren B

lick

Arie licks a bowling ball. TONGUE ON BALL. I didn’t think anything could be grosser than wearing used shoes everyone else has shoved their sweaty hamhocks into until I saw Arie lick a bowling ball. BB Licker then spends the rest of this date acting like he’s in 8th grade at his first boy/girl birthday party. He utters the line “It’s getting hot in this bowling alley” and my eyes roll out the window and down the street. Then one of the girls does an inapprops (she censors out “whore”) cheer to the other team and Arie’s reaction is OMG THAT WAS AMAAAAZING. Seriously are we sure Arie ever learned how to flirt? The deal is the winning team gets to go to the after party and the losers can kick rocks. Obviously since Arie has no backbone he immediately feels bad about this and decides to invite everyone. Krystal has a full-on meltdown and calls Arie a liar and says she’ll never trust him again so she won’t go to the party (all in a very suspicious off-camera bus ride back from the date.) Apparently all her stuff is packed but she wants to talk about leaving instead of actually leaving. The ladies all narc to Arie and he’s like this is awkward better go check on her, see ya later ladies! He scolds Krystal and tells her to stay upstairs in timeout and think about what she’s done.

When Arie returns, he makes out with Bekah and pets her head like a dog the whole time. Krystal puts on a face and dress to join the party that she previously took a dump all over. Bekah immediately puts her in her place and sends her straight back up to the chokey before Arie can see her. Lauren B and her 21 (more like 3 stoopid) Q’s got the rose, I think?

Everglades with Tia

Pretty much zoned out through this whole date because nothing very interesting happened. They cruise through a gator swamp and talk about froggin because apparently Arie thinks Tia is a walking southern hick stereotype. Joke’s on you MF’er, she’s got her doctorate. Also she announces that she’s falling in love with Arie and he grabs her face and makes her look him in the eye when she says it. UNCOMFY ALERT. She gets rosed.

Cocktail Party

Krystal tries to defend herself for being a giant twatmuffin on the date as she says “I was investing in myself and growing from the challenge. I was discovery.” Same, girl. I do that every weekend when I lay on the couch too. Just growing and investing in myself. Being discovery. I’ve decided that one producer was assigned to F with Krystal (as they usually are on this show, thanks UnReal) and tell her to make a speech at each cocktail party so that she looks stupid and everyone hates her. She catches the girls gossiping about her and lets them each take her aside to talk. Obviously it’s difficult to talk to a psycho and these little side chats don’t go swimmingly. She takes her lies to Arie and tries to tell him she had an out of character response because the bowling alley reminded her of her garbage childhood. Arie only half buys it. After she pulls the cutesy “our first fight!” line and he goes it could be our last fight, I was like YASSSSS and then I quickly reminded myself that there’s no way he will send her home and it made me hate him even more.

Roses: Chelsea, Lauren B, Tia, Bekah, Seinne, Kendall, Becca, Jaqueline, Jenna, & Krystal

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Music, Red Carpet, Television

Grammys Red Carpet 2018

I gotta be straight up with you. I have a very hard time watching any music awards show that doesn’t feature the big three. Not the Pearson triplets, JT, Bey & Tay of course. Even Ed made the Grammy cutoff and got snubbed REAL hard with no big noms. That’s not the kind of world I want to live in and it was a struggle for me to get excited about this year’s show, which obviously didn’t live up to the hype. Besides Blue calming her parents down, it was a can miss event. Unfortunately same goes for the red carpet. Time to start prepping for the real showdown, Man of the Woods vs Reputation…2019.

WORST

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Stop it right now, Giuliana. Act your age.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Coincidence grouped these two stringy looks together. It ain’t doing it for me.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Mustard AND velvet. TWO thumbs down.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Clearly Jenny McCarthy was feeling irrelevant and thought a blue wig, early 2000’s rose-tinted bedazzled shades and black sheer gloves would solve that problem.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

what.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Camila looks like she’s going to prom and this is only 60% of me being bitter about a singer who made a song with sounds that rhyme with Havana.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I had these exact pants when I was in 8th grade and wore them on Easter with black flats and a baby blue shrug cardigan (with a mouth full of braces) so no I will not support this look at the Grammy’s, no matter how much you try to sex it up, Anna.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Why are purple shiny boots ever necessary?

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Kesha’s hair looks great but this western unisex look she’s been workshopping the past few years is killing me.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Woof city: population Joey.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I commend Chrissy for being this pregnant and still wearing heels like that. My balloon ass feet would not look good in those and I’m not carrying another human. The dress sucks though. Saarrryyy.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

What was the inspo behind this outfit? 1980’s news reporter gone bad gurl?

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

HEIDI WE GET IT. YOU ARE A MODEL WITH A SLAMMIN BOD. WEAR SOMETHING OTHER THAN LINGERIE ON THE RED CARPET.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I love Pink and her daughter and I feel personally victimized by this dress choice.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Same name or not I can’t get behind someone with crystal butterflies adorning their gown.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

The Cardi B tooth fairy in the building.

BEST

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This is the most flattering dress I’ve ever seen and I want it. Talk about an hourglass fig!

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Ryan throwing some mad hipster vibes.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Always love when Gaga goes class act instead of shock value.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

This year’s host looking like a dapper Dan.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I’m never not going to gush over Lauren and Thomas is wearing fur loafers sooo he wins.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I don’t love or hate this dress but it was really a struggle here for rounding up a best dressed list.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Let’s politely ignore the fact that Ashanti’s nipples are loudly on display and just admire the golden beauty of this princess dress.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Nick clearly left his dinner date in Hell’s Kitchen to roll over to the Grammy’s but I don’t even hate it because he looks fine as hell.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I don’t really know what’s going on with this neck shoulder thing but Miley redeemed herself with a lovely pink gown for her performance as she further proves my theory that she’s back to dressing classy ever since Liam da Gawd took her trash ass back.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I respect this F it outfit for someone whose a brand new artist at the Grammys. Oh I’m nominated for my first grammy? Watch me wear sneaks and a white tee to go snag it.

60th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

FIRE FLAMES PINK SUIT.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Glam Shaming

the-bachelor

So I came in 20 minutes late tonight…sue me. It’s exhausting to carve two hours out of my life every Monday. (Apparently I missed Maquel leaving…was the reason dramatic or what? Fill me in.)

I started watching where Arie takes Sienne to the Hard Rock Café, what a hawt date spot. Sienne gives some real talk about growing up learning that love is hard and not always easy and that made her a hardass bitch. She also tosses in some intelligent thought about race and how it scares her that the other girls (whites) might have a better chance at this love story. Sienne is smart AF. Too smart for this show, DEFINITELY too smart for this dum dum Arie who can’t string words together, so obviously she gets the rose. Girl deserves so much better than a hokey chain restaurant known for t-shirts and guitars hanging on the walls. LANCO serenades them with the “Greatest Love Story” and it’s just movie magic. 

Will Our Love Survive with Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jaqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany & Caroline

A silver fox Green Beret and his wife teach the girls that survival is necessary in the woods, which apparently means peeing in a S’Well waterbottle and then drinking it. DEDICATION. How did you find your wife? She drank her own piss and ate a few earthworms. LOLZ, JK GUYZ! Turns out it was just apple juice that Arie did an over the top spit take with. This show is so goddamn stupid. And sad. I would never drink my own piss for a guy. Have some standards, ladies. After tossing back bugs and swapping spit, they form teams and have to navigate through the forest with their backpacks. The team with Arie on it gets lifted over every branch and rock so THAT SEEMS UNFAIR. The conclusion of “bitches trying to use a compass in light snow” is of course some hot springs (aka Nature’s hot tub.) In the steamy waters, Krystal tries to crawl into Arie’s lap and natch everyone calls her out until he swims to the center with no one sitting on his hot tub boner. Krystal calls this “so high school.” Wow I wish I went to a high school where 14 girls fought over a guy in a hot tub. I feel like the pregnancy statistics might’ve spiked.

Later on, Krystal really wants to hammer it home that everyone else is lame and she’s amazing and perfect. It’s exhausting for her to watch other girls try and she hopes Arie sees through their bullshit. I can’t stop laughing out loud every time this asshole speaks. Lauren B chats with Arie and asks what he’s looking for other than someone with a flexible schedule. Is that a requirement for any Bachelor winner? “I’m looking for a girl who wants to move to LA and work her schedule around my Dancing with the Stars appearance,” should be the tagline of the show. Lauren B gets it. Kendall and Arie’s “chemistry is off the charts and completely unexpected” hmm, maybe because she travels with dead animals that she’s named? IS THAT WHY you’re questioning your attraction to her?! Once Krystal opens her dumb mouth again we’re treated to a SLEW of bitch talking from the other contestants and I’m LIVING for all of the other girls impression of Krystal’s porny baby voice, More, more, MORE! Krystal obviously plays the victim with Arie and he falls for it so hard.

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Krystal then takes Caroline and Tia aside to tell them her feelings were hurt by them making fun of her and Arie trying to canoodle in the hot tub. They’re like really, dude? And she replies I was really uncomfortable getting the one on one so early. Lolololol. Who says that. For someone who typically hates the biddy drama on this show, I would watch Caroline and Tia team up and serve cold, hard doses of real talk on a show any day. Tia storms off to find Arie and I’m rooting for her until she goes “I don’t know, this is just f’ing hard, dude.” Tia. Call Krystal dude all you want. Do not call the guy you’re trying to date dude. Cut the shit. Tia gets the rose so I guess I need to start calling guys I like “dude.”

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Babysitting with Bekah

Arie likes Bekah because she’s mature and full of wisdom. So we’re really going to build up to this age reveal. They ride horses up to a hot tub so they can touch each other in a more acceptable setting. Arie talks about a car crash where he flipped a bunch of times and broke his collarbone. I actually appreciate this story because I was starting to forget that Arie actually had a badass career at one point and wasn’t always stumbling over his words with an infant in the hot tub.

Later Arie asks if Bekah is ready for marriage (if the time is right or she’s with the right person.) And she’s like I’ve never been with the right person and the time has never been right. Ok, smartass. He’s like no…in life. BASICALLY ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED? And she finally reveals that she’s 22. And Arie’s like FUCK. (Actual reaction below.)

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He basically tries to push her away before anything happens and she’s like nah let’s do this. “There’s no guarantees in love,” says the BBgirl who is guaranteed to not be ready for marriage and start poppin’ out kids tout suite for this 37 year old guy. He gives a long speech about how worried he is but then that turns into how much he wants to keep kissing her, therefore here’s a rose. WHAT AN IDIOT. Props to Bekah for that spin zone though. She’s like we all know nothing, such is life. Take a chance you big wiener. And Arie was like K.

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Chris Harrison interrupts Krystals’ 100th fake AF speech to the other ladies about valuing every experience to drop the hammer that the cocktail party is CANCELLED. Arie knows what he needs to do and Krystal has a pretty large dump in her sparkly cocktail dress. She obviously steals Arie before he can hand out a rose. She wants to tell him that she feels a connection with him or something. I don’t even know because she whispers everything like there aren’t cameras on her filming her every snakey move.

Roses: Sienne, Tia, Bekah, Lauren, Kendall, Ashley, Becca, Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh & Krystal OF COURSE

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