Tag Archives: TV

Television

Winter Watch List

My seasonal sads have hit an all-time high. Bad news for me, great news for all of you because I’m about to download every piece of entertainment I’ve consumed in my several weeks of couch rotting. If you have a well-rounded work and social life, and therefore don’t have time to keep up with all of the streaming services releasing movies and series each week, I GOTCHU. I’ll give you a brief (as brief as I can be) description of each title and why you should or should not waste your time and then you can make your own decisions like a grown-up. I am simply the messenger. And the harshest of critics, obviously.

SKIP

Torching 2024: A Roast of the Year – Netflix

They let Roastmaster Jeff Ross gather up his gang of buddies and do a roast of the Year 2024 on Netflix. It was incredibly bad. Save yourself from this random collection of comedians making mid jokes about people we’re already tired of hearing about. Netflix tried to ride that Brady roast magic with like 1/4 of the talent, and it showed. Extra cringe for comedian Tim Dillon doing an entire bit as the dead healthcare CEO. You know, the one who was brutally murdered in broad daylight and everyone was like good for that babe soda who offed him, hope he gets away with it because his mugshot ate and left no crumbs. Our society is so f*cked.

Paris & Nicole: The Encore – Peacock

It pains my sweet, sweet, nostalgic millennial heart to declare this a fail but holy crap it was. I cannot even begin to describe what a canon event of my youth it was to watch Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton not only create reality TV, but interact with poors on camera. When I heard the promos that they were making a comeback as adults, I was foaming at the mouth to see what they’d cook up. Nothing. The answer is nothing. They did way too many episodes with 0 storyline. The “premise” was that they wanted to create an opera based on their made-up song Sanasa. Getting through this and not wanting to blow my brains out every time they sang Sanasa (9 million times) was honestly a Christmas miracle. Guess I’ll go back to getting my Hilton fix through Kathy driving around Bev Hills in a bucket hat to invite the ladies on a girls trip via suitcase.

It Ends With Us – Netflix

If you’re wondering what the movie that has created the MOST controversy amongst its cast was like, the answer is a swift BAD. Would they have needed to make this much of a stink if this movie was actually good? Probs not. I’ll preface this review by saying I read both books, so I wasn’t going in blind to the story. If you’re not as well-read as me (you uncultured swine), you might possibly still be able to stomach this movie. But from someone who knew the story, this movie did not do it justice. Here are my biggest gripes: 1. As with most books turned into movies, they had no time to include all of the details. This felt like the story was set to Fast Forward. As a viewer, I had no time to process anything that was happening because we were just zooming through things that needed to simmer or be explained. I felt like half the movie was montages. 2. What the ACTUAL HELL WAS WARDROBE THINKING?! I have never in my life seen a more horrific collection of outfits than I did with Blake’s character Lily. Her hair was MASSIVE. Like comically big for a white woman. And for whatever reason (with no attachment to what her character was actually like) she dressed like a bag lady sponsored by Carhartt. She’d have on a crop and weird baggy pants and then drop an oversized men’s khaki Carhartt over the top. Each outfit was more horrific than the last and honestly I may never recover from what my eyes were subjected to.

Your Friend, Nate Bargatze – Netflix

Nate is one of my favorite comedians and I do give extra credit to comedians who consistently come up with funny, CLEAN material. This is his 4th special and gotta be honest, it fell kinda flat for me. Obviously there were still moments where I laughed, but I definitely remember laughing more in his other Netflix specials (and his one on Amazon.) Comedy is subjective, and as far as comedians go, Nate is a great pick for standups that are widely appreciated and family friendly, so I’ll leave it up to you if you want to check it out, but also maybe just hit them all up. Do a quadruple feature of Nate whenever you’re in need of the HaHa’s.

Carry On-Netflix

Ok so this movie wasn’t BAD, it was just too damn stressful for me. I don’t think my heart stopped racing until a full hour after it ended. So, not really the top pick for when you want to unwind after a stressful Christmas and just rot mindlessly on the couch. Tough stuff, lesson learned. Jason Bateman is the GOAT of using sarcasm perfectly even in a role where he’s basically a terrorist. My dude can make any character likeable. Other than that, we’ve got a real mod podge of kinda shitty actors rounding out the cast. Definitely lots of suspending belief in this high-paced thriller, but again, if you’d like to check if your ticker still works, give this one a go. Also, don’t watch if you already have anxiety about flying…cause this will FOR SURE ratchet that up another notch.

Laid – Peacock

This is a new original dark comedy series on Peacock and so far there’s just one season, 8 episodes. It’s one of those shows where the lead is messy and you’re supposed to root for her anyway. I didn’t. I wanted bad shit to keep happening to her narcissistic ass. The series follows Ruby as she quickly learns that her exes are all dying and her bestie teams up with her to find out why. Girl has a body count higher than Britani’s hair suggests. This joke will only land with viewers of Real Housewives of SLC, and yet I still needed to make it. It honestly got hard to watch someone who sucks so bad, somehow have landed that many men and continue to reel in even more hotties. Of course season 1 ended on a cliffhanger and for a second I debated getting sucked in whenever it eventually gets renewed. BUT NO. I will stand strong.

Girls Gone Wild: The Untold Story – Peacock

We all know what Girls Gone Wild is. Some of you pervs know better than others. This is a three part series breaking down the rise of Girls Gone Wild and the downfall of Joe Francis, who has been hiding out in Mexico for like 5 years now. I got excited when it declared that Joe Francis himself agreed to be interviewed for this doc, until in the first few minutes they shared that he only allowed audio recording and a few pictures. Um, why are we making visual content out of an audio interview? RELEASE IT AS A PODCAST, DUMMIES. I have very little patience for documentaries that don’t have anything for my eyes to consume. This happens a lot with true crime docs as they physically don’t have footage of what they’re talking about half the time and being forced to look at the same pictures, scenic shots, or even worse, REENACTMENTS is truly a punishment for viewers. They were able to add in interviews with other people and of course, a whole bunch of girlies flashing their blurred titties to cover the fact that they couldn’t show the man actually talking, but it definitely got irritating. I definitely don’t think this is must-watch material. If you’d like the quick and dirty summary of the message it’s this: Joe Francis is a piece of shit, and also a pathological liar. Pretty much all of the girls who participated in his porn were coerced to do so, and a very large sampling of them were underaged. He traumatized too many women to count and also believes he is in fact, the victim.

Sweethearts – Max

I fell for this one. It was the ole bait & switch trailer. I laughed a few times at the trailer and it seemed like this was a story about two besties ditching their high school partners for each other. About 30 minutes into this flick, I realized I was sold a bag of shit and that’s not at all what the movie was about and also it was terribly unfunny. It was a cross between a movie that takes place all in one night with a bunch of stupid hijinks that derail them (not at all what was advertised) and like a heavy “it’s ok to be gay” coming out storyline with a character that was briefly in the trailer. Total bomb. Which is a bummer because y’all know how I like a teen flick. Two thumbs down.

Martha – Netflix

We’re going back to Oct for this one, and I did actually enjoy it, but I also felt like it was kind of boring. For people who aren’t used to watching docs or aren’t actually interested in Martha Stewart’s story, this can definitely be skipped. I grew up in prison-era Martha and that’s why I found it interesting. I never knew how she got started and it was very cool to see that she was literally being an influencer in the 90’s. Homegirl paved the way for these lil hoochies selling a lifestyle on Instagram. I also am always fascinated by people who can evolve their careers like she did post-scandal. Her attending Bieber’s roast and having a whole second life of her career with Snoop Dogg was kind of a happy accident. She didn’t realize that roasts poke fun at the roasters as well and kind of went in blind and still killed it. Then she got a contact high from Snoop and became besties with him. Martha is a dry, monotone icon and naturally she created this doc so there wasn’t going to be anything scandalous revealed as she’s still going to tell her story as if it was perfectly perfect. Also, we may never know if she actually got an illegal stock tip but I’m choosing to believe she was framed because she was like the richest woman in biz at that time and everyone was foaming at the mouth to see her fall.

WATCH

Shrinking Season 2 – Apple TV

Shrinking dropped season 2 this fall and if you’re not already watching it, get on board and catch up. It’s about a bunch of therapists and their group of friends who are all nuts in their own lovable ways. There’s a million things I love about this show, so I’m going to list some of them. It normalizes therapy, teaching some of the common practices that therapists use, showing great communication, while at the same time shining the light that therapists are JUST as messy as their patients. It’s a phenomenal model of unconditional love and accepting people for who they are, while also lovingly pushing them to be better people. It has that thing that I’m ALWAYS jealous of in shows where a circle of best friends becomes family because I’ve certainly never had that happen in real life, so I enjoy watching it green with envy. It dives into the complexity of grief and all of the different ways people cope with losing someone. And lastly, it’s equal parts funny and gut-wrenching. After finishing season 2 in one day (mostly because I’m cheap and refused to get Apple again so I just used a free weekend to catch up on this gem) I can honestly say I cried just as much as I laughed. And I think each character made me do both. That’s range, baby. And I’m putting it out into the universe that I want a Derek.

Missing You – Netflix

Netflix’s latest adaptation of a Harlan Coben novel, these series are very watch, rinse, repeat detective dramas. I mean, they even use the same British ambiguously hot and mysterious actor in each series. So I’d like to get ahead of the haters and say that the quality of this one is pretty subpar, think Lifetime movie on Netflix, but for me, personally, it scratched my lil thriller itch. Each time I go to the library I take out a chick lit book where two friends fake a marriage and fall in love, and a book with a dark cover titled some variation of The Woman Upstairs. I think you get my point, I like a little trash here and there and this was intriguing enough that I finished it in one sitting. Shocking, I know. If you’d like to watch a detective find out who killed her cop dad while simultaneously trying to solve a couple missing persons cases, and also don’t get squeamish at people literally being held as prisoners in horse stalls on a creepy farm, then you will also whip through this bad boy.

No Good Deed – Netflix

A fun mixture of comedy and whodunnit, this one surprised me. Once you get past all of the weird artistic ‘through the pipes’ shots that they keep shoving down your throats, I guess to unsettle the viewer, you can enjoy this multi-story shitshow. This is a loaded cast and it was fun to bounce around to all the different storylines and see how they all intersected in the end. 8 episodes long, it unravels a family trauma that occurred to main couple Paul and Lydia as they put their house on the market and a bunch of other couples sniff around trying to buy it. Another show that had me both tearing up and giggling. We love an emotional rollercoaster. s/o to Linda Cardellini for putting a clinic on shoving her rock hard boobs into every situation in this show.

I’m Tim – Netflix

Spoiler alert: world famous DJ and producer Avicii died in 2018. So please go into this doc knowing that it does not have a happy ending. Unfortunately, he joined the 28 club and although it’s not the main focus of the story they told, he did struggle with addiction and in the end took his own life. Now I’m going to make this doc about me, as I’m known to do. I was there for the rise of Avicii and boy was it a magical time. His music was upbeat catchy electronic pop and coincided perfectly with my college partying years. Although I was VERY fuzzy on the deets at the time, Levels got big around my junior year of college and you couldn’t go to a party or a bar without that song bringing the house down. I went to an actual rave called the Barstool Blackout, and took the term blackout quite literally, but I still know that I moshed my face off in a sea of neon to the beat dropping on Levels. It looked kinda like this.

Ok, now for everyone over the age of 35, here’s why this was a cool doc: it explains a genre of music that I’ve never understood. People who mix sounds or make beats and tour as DJ’s is a real lost art to me. I’m super judgmental and I’m not afraid to admit I’ve scoffed at people getting paid tons of money to push buttons on a laptop. This doc had a TON of behind the scenes footage of Avicii working and it turns out he was a legit musical genius. It showed how he created a song and then when his sound evolved to include more live music and collaborations, you got to see him working with some of the biggest names in music and everyone was blown away by his talent. He was one of those freaks who could just picture songs in his head and know what worked and what made music sound good. And that for me, was very interesting to watch. So even if you’re a DJ hater like me, if you like music and are intrigued by the process of making music, watch Avicii get in the lab and COOK. Now excuse me while I smash play on my Avicii spotify playlist and relive my glory days of Jersey turnpikin at the clerb.

English Teacher – FX/Hulu

There have been a few wacky series through the years about teachers, one of them literally being called teachers, and I eat that shit up. People who spend every day with children? Friggin saints. So I very much appreciate any series that shows the sarcastic, wild side of teachers. Bonus points for portraying teachers around my age making fun of the youths these days and their stupid phrases. Anyway, the show follows openly gay Evan and his group of teacher besties in Texas. Sure, political stuff gets addressed but in an entertaining and fun way. My favorite part has nothing to do with the show at all but I’ll enlighten all of you TikTok virgins on the lore. Brian Jordan Alvarez is the creator & lead of the show and in order to promote it in the fall, he did one stupid TikTok dance trend that’s actually audio from Gilmore Girls, and then he kept doing it. And then never stopped. For literally every day since this show hit Hulu, Brian Jordan Alvarez has been doing the “I love your daughter” dance and people (me included) watch every single one. All the girlies wish he was straight every time he lifts that leg for “good lovin daily.” (There are currently 82 of these videos, which could make for a real wild Friday night for a single gal. I’m not here to judge. You’re welcome.)

@brianjordanalvarez

Stream English Teacher on Hulu

♬ afilmbykirk – ꫂ ၴႅၴ

Glitter and Greed: The Lisa Frank Documentary – Amazon Prime

This is for my fellow 90’s girlies who Lisa Frank’s rainbow dolphins and leopards had an absolute chokehold over. Not to spoil it but Lisa Frank is a total dick. Only watch this 4 part doc if you’re willing to let your childhood crumble before your very eyes. Lisa refused to participate, and from what it sounds like, she’ll probably end up suing whoever made this because that’s her favorite pastime. Sure, every doc has a bias and you take all the information presented with a grain of salt (I never do, I believe whatever viewpoint is presented to me) but when you have your own son saying how awful you are, as well as all of your former employees and also some people you’ve bankrupted as business partners? Probs true. Should’ve realized what kind of monster ran our childhood back in 2021 when my sister and I discovered the Lisa Frank website is still up and running and sells subpar merch at high end designer prices. Also, not for nothing, but people who refuse to be photographed are shady as hell. BIG RED FLAG.

https://x.com/TheSaltyJu/status/1414770014822060034

The Comeback: 2004 Boston Red Sox – Netflix

Also going back to the fall for this one but I loved this doc. I’m not a Red Sox fan and I was a fairweather Yankee fan throughout my childhood because, Jeets, duh. Once he retired it was like who even cares if I can’t peep Cap’s thicc baseball booty getting into a nice squat to scoop up a grounder. Obv I was aware of the Red Sox curse and big Yanks/Sox rivalry and I did live in Boston for a brief period of time, but I wasn’t locked in during their comeback and I definitely didn’t know deets. So this was all brand new information for me and I got to watch it on the edge of my seat. The Sox had some real characters on the ’04 team and I loved hearing their accounts, PLUS watching a bunch of grown baseball players pointedly throw balls at each other and literally have full-on brawls on the field was epic. God, baseball has gotten so soft. I can say that because I’m such a hardcore baseball fan now. Anyway, if you enjoy romanticizing the game of baseball, this was an awesome representation of a real Cinderella story. Kinda lame as shit that neither A-Rod or Jeets were willing to participate because hearing their loser point of views would’ve been AWESOME.

Juror # 2 – Max

Right at the buzzer, banged this one out last night. A juror is on trial for a murder and realizes he actually was the one who killed the girl in a hit and run that he swore was a deer. This is a Clint Eastwood flick, so you know it’s legit and also will that man ever stop working?! HE IS 94 YEARS OLD. Damn. Anyway, it was a good story and shows you all of the dualities of people and a real moral struggle of doing the right thing or doing the easy thing by tossing a guy with a neck tattoo in the slammer for a crime he def didn’t commit. Anytime I watch any sort of fictional jury sitch, it further confirms that putting 12 strangers in a room together to decide someone’s fate is legit a socially anxious girlie’s NIGHTMARE. They always end up coming at each other and if I’m ever called for jury duty (I just knocked wood that they’ll never pin me down) I will definitely crap my pants.

Mr. McMahon – Netflix

Listen, if there’s a 90’s pop culture doc, I’m gonna get all up IN IT. I’m a female, and was raised in a house where the female ratio was 4:1 so I think it’s clear I never saw a damn second of WWF/WWE growing up. On the other hand, I dated a boy (humblebrag) who was raised in a house where the male ratio was 6:1 and he used to regale me with tales of clearing out the living room and suplexing the shit out of his brothers. So I definitely understand the influence of wrestling in our younger years, but I missed the boat on learning about it because I was raised on Mister Rogers and that clown doing stretches on The Big Comfy Couch. That’s why I try to watch catch docs on former wrestlers and was very intrigued to see what the man who created it all had to say for himself. Well, shocking to no one, a white man with lots of power and money who built an entire empire, was, indeed, problematic (to say the least.)

Before this documentary was even released, Vince finally got forced out of the WWE because of all the assault lawsuits he had been collecting through the years. Since he’s interviewed and involved with this doc, that topic is heavily hinted at, but it’s not a big takedown, per say. It’s SUPER long, so don’t commit unless you’re a fiend for gossip like I am, but as someone who never knew the WWE world, I found it incredibly fascinating. The characters, the storylines, the SHIT THEY GOT AWAY WITH PUTTING ON TELEVISION. I mean, people literally died in the arena and then they just continued with the show. Vince’s family were all involved and the horrifying storylines they played out for entertainment, my God would a therapist have a field day with this fam. I couldn’t look away. And the attitude era?! Shit, the 90’s were cool.

My Old Ass – Amazon Prime

This movie hit me right in the feels and I am not ashamed to say I cried. Probably a little too hard, but proud to reveal that I cry less often now so letting it rip in the sad part of a movie is so emotionally mature of me, honestly. On Elliott’s 18th birthday, she gets super high and manages to meet her 39 year old self, who then becomes her guide to her last summer at home before moving away for college. To get ahead of it, I’ve famously shit on movies that rely heavily on drug/hallucination scenes. I’m not a fan of watching other people trip balls, and I especially hate it when they show us what they’re seeing and I’m just a regular square sitting on my couch watching a screen full of distorted voices and colors. I don’t do drugs for a reason, don’t make me enter an alternate reality with none of the good feelings. Now that I’ve gotten that gripe out, I will say there’s minimal tripping scenes, and one of them is pure Justin Bieber comedy, so it was tastefully done. They obviously just needed a vehicle to bring together future and present without making it seem like Disney magic.

The message of this movie is deep as hell and I urge everyone to give it a whirl. It’s the age old question of if you could, would you want to go back in time and do things differently? We always see our younger selves as being dumb and naive, but the way this story spun that theory and made you think maybe having those qualities are what makes us able to be free and fearless and live life to the fullest was so precious to watch. See? Poetic. And I didn’t even have to eat shrooms to get all that out of this movie. This movie was a great reminder to cherish time with people you love and live in the moment. It also made me feel less sad about still being single because future Elliott was 39 and still didn’t have a mans! If I visited younger Ju in a Four Loko drunken haze at Marist College, I’d tell her to do everything exactly the same because I’m a famous writer now. Hey, I heard that! Being published on the internet makes you famous, duh. 🙄

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Television

Fall 2023 Netflix Round-Up

Sometimes I go on a real hot streak of consuming every piece of content that hits Netflix. Ever the charitable blogger, I’m happy to share with anyone who actually has a life, what you absolutely don’t need to waste your time binging. It also feels vital to point out that even though I may SEEM like a giant smelly loser who watches TV all the time, I happen to work from home 3 days a week and I do my best work from the couch, duh. It’s called MULTITASKING, ever heard of it?

*Even though I’m mouthy as hell, I will not include any spoilers so you can decide just based on my strong opinions if you should watch, as my opinions are definitely more important than your own.

The Lincoln Lawyer

Season 1: 10 episodes | Season 2: 10 episodes (50 mins)

Kicking off this list by including a show I actually watched over the summer. Sue me. For anyone who ever texts me for reccies (or asks me what she should watch every weekend, lookin at you mom) sometimes I forget about a show if it’s not currently new. So that’s why I wanted to shove this one in your faces. It came out last year and there are 2 seasons available and a third on the way. Based on the book/movie/true life story(?) genuinely don’t know if this is based on a true story but that feels right. Hot shot lawyer Mickey Haller is known for always driving around/working out of his Lincoln and this series follows his high profile cases and his juicy love life. This show has got it AWL. Everyone in it is hot, ESPECIALLY Neve Campbell who legit hasn’t aged a day lookin like a damn snack, it has crime, mystery, family storylines, cliffhangers, drama, comedy, and of course romance. Whatcha waiting for?! Check it out, yo!

Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance with Somebody

Another kind of “old” one, this came out a while back and I added it to my list because I knew I had too many different cities of housewives on my plate to be able to give it my undivided attention. I finally watched it last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed this tour of Whitney’s greatest hits. Honestly, I never knew much about Whitney’s background/personal life other than her being a super sweaty crack addict with Bobby Brown because that’s what was happening in my formative years. I missed her glory days in the early 90’s because I was an infant and not yet consuming pop culture. So color me surprised when this movie starts with Whitney and her bestie Robyn gettin HoT & HeAvY. I knew they were rumored to have dated at one point but I didn’t know they lived together and then when Whitney got her record deal she was like let’s just be BFF’s, no scissoring now. And that was it. Robyn just stepped down as her girlfriend and worked for her for like 20 years. WHAT A HERO. That is the true definition of a bigger person. Gets dumped so Whitney can look like a hetero to the press and have kids one day and homegirl still stands by her. Anyway, that’s not really a spoiler because the movie spends like 10 minutes on this but clearly that was the biggest takeaway for me, Robyn is a ride or die. I guess that phrase is a scooch insensitive seeing as we all know how this movie ends. But you get the point. The movie also clued me in to what a BFD the below performance was and how basically no other singer would be able to vocally accomplish the range in this medley.

Love Again

One of my favorite traditions in life is to watch something horrifically bad and then pretend it was good to get someone else to watch it and suffer alongside me. This tradish goes hand in hand with my hard and fast rule that if I have to see or hear something terrible, everyone else does too. My sister is well-versed in this as she’s usually the unsuspecting victim who will get a random picture of an ugly baby on a Wednesday. IF I HAD TO SEE IT SO DO YOU, BOO. And with that precursor, I think we can conclude how this movie was. I’m always hard up for a new romantic flick and I was rabid to consume this, I think I caught it on opening night (Yikes, Julia, get a social life.) I wish I could’ve unseen it. Celine Dion plays herself in this movie and for whatever reason doles out love advice while the male lead listens to her music on repeat and quotes her lyrics back to her. I love the SHIT out of Celine Dion. She’s a hitmaker and a legend and her French Canadian accent will forever make me giggle. And yet, I don’t need a romantic drama centered around her giving dating tips. Also the premise of this movie was CREEEEEEPY. Mira loses her boyfriend in the first 5 mins and we watch her go through the stages of grief and then start texting her dead boyfriend’s number as if he can read it in Heaven. And Rob accidentally receives these texts. Whoopsie, guess phone numbers don’t die with people, they just get transferred. Classic mixup except that this stranger READS ALL OF HER MESSAGES and uses them to find her in real life and pretend they just bumped into each other and start dating. EW TIMES A MILLION. Even my homeslice Celine couldn’t fix this atrocity of a movie with a power ballad.

Love At First Sight

Bringing things back up with this one, I swear you can always count on movies meant for teens to clean up the mess that romances about thirty-somethings made. Hadley and Oliver have the meet-cute of the century when they end up on the same flight to London just falling in love in the air. Every time I’m on an airplane I wonder if I’ll meet the love of my life and then within 4 seconds of taking off when I immediately go lights out I remember that if anyone ever talked to me for the entirety of a flight, I’d be one of those people who opens the emergency exit just to see what happens. Being stuck on a stinky recycled air tin can with your knees to chest is already punishment enough, no need to add chitchats. Luckily for these two cuties, they were flying business class and got all of the perks of the rich so it was like a 7 hour first date and not mid-air get to know each other torture. Classic rom-com trope: not getting each other’s number and having to find each other in a big city. Supes realistic, but this movie had weddings and funerals and young love and it was a fine little Friday night flick. I ugly cried but that’s not saying much because I do that a lot. I just have a lot of feelings. PS I thought FOR SURE the dad in this movie (Rob Delaney) was a gay guy trying to play a straight and not really succeeding so I raced to IMDB to look him up and it turns out he is very much married to a woman and let me tell you…overtly flamboyant is a CHOICE for playing a straight dad. Totally threw me off.

Beckham

4 Episodes (1 hr 15 mins ea)

I was SO excited to see a doc about Becks and even more so when they teased a clip of Victoria sharing that they both came from humble beginnings and Becks pokes his head in the room and goes let’s be honest, Victoria, what car did your dad drive you to school in? And when she answered a Rolls Royce after he forced it out of her, he ducked back out of the room. You mean Becks and Posh were British pop culture royalty of the 90’s AND they’ve got witty banter?! Sign me up. Well that clip was mostly false advertising as this was really a doc about David’s soccer career. Not really a soccer fan considering I’m a trash American who calls it soccer, so a lot of this was snoozeworthy. It did, however, give glimpses into their romance, which I ate right up. I didn’t know David was such a diva who demanded perfect hair at all times, nor did I know that the world literally shit bricks every time he dared to change his hairstyle. Guess we all feel invested in this perfect male specimen. True to a doc about famous figures, produced by said famous figures (ahem, the MJ doc) it was a real puff piece all around. We didn’t get any intel on the affair that Becks definitely had while he was in Spain, just a real gloss-over job of “that was a difficult time in our relationship.” Obviously I wanted the dirt, but they’re not about to air their cheating scandal out 20 years later. It’s a great watch for anyone who has followed Becks or his career through the years or likes sports, or for someone like me who is just nosy and looking for juicy tidbits. If I could watch a weekly reality show on David Beckham grilling mushrooms in his private kitchen and then kicking it with his wife and kids listening to Islands in the Stream, I’d be happy as a clam.

@tim_summerss

“THATS ALL I DO” #davidbeckham #beckham #netflix #netflixdocumentary #manchesterynited #manunited #manu #hollywood #celebrity #celeb #realmadrid #psg #lagalaxy #networth #fyp #hot

♬ original sound – Tim Summers
@harpersbazaarnl

David & Victoria Beckham dancing together in their new documentary: ‘Beckham’ Footage: Netflix #victoriabeckham #davidbeckham #beckham #netflix #documentary #beckhamfamily #dancing #harpersbazaar

♬ origineel geluid – harpersbazaarnl

Fair Play

This movie came out and I kept seeing tweets about it so when my mom asked me what she should watch, I told her this title and said I hadn’t had a chance to see it yet but it’s been buzzed about. Wouldn’t you know that sneaky lil B mom of mine watched it and goes, “it was interesting” and so I watched it a couple nights later and it was APPALLING. Did my mom just beat me at my own game?! Did I inherit this game from her?! It’s all coming together. WHAT A TRAP that I watched this. The opening scene is Emily and Luke sneaking off to a bathroom at a public party and when Luke goes downtown on Emily, he comes back up lookin like a crime scene and her silk gown is covered in her own blood. YUM! And THEN he proposes. WHAT A FAIRYTALE. My first thought was EW my mom watched this immediately followed by DOUBLE EW my mom watched this and then was like you should watch too! The rest of this movie was downhill FAST. Emily and Luke are both sellin stocks and she gets a promotion and he doesn’t and he turns into a real dick about it because his precious man ego can’t handle her being better than him. Tale as old as time. It was two hours of Phoebe Dynevor struggling to mask her British accent because she was supposed to be from Long Island and it ended in one of the weirdest standoffs I’ve ever witnessed between a couple. A real shitshow start to finish proving that just because there’s buzz on Twitter, doesn’t mean something is worth watching.

No Hard Feelings

I’m aware of the fact that this was actually a blockbuster release in theaters before it made its way onto Netflix. Other than pulling a big name like JLaw, I’m wondering why this movie got funding to be a theater release. In a rather washed up comedy trope, Jennifer’s character Maddie is a broke a$$ bitch looking to do anything to save her childhood home from being snatched back by the town, and Percy’s weirdo parents are willing to hand over a car to anyone who will boink their introverted 18 year old son. Maddie is supposedly 32 in this movie and goes hard in the paint tossing her hot pocket at an 18 year old who looks like he’s about 15 and that’s where I’m out. It was giving off big-time statch rape vibes and I cringed so hard that my face hurt when this movie concluded. Not to be sexist but when older men pursue younger women, the women at least LOOK like they’ve hit puberty…guys these days look like they’re 12 until they’re 30. I don’t make the rules, I just know I don’t want to watch a romcom that is eerily similar to a Lifetime movie about Mary Kay Letourneau. Why do you think they cast 30 year old dudes in high school shows? So we don’t feel like a bunch of pervs lusting after a senior with a six pack DUH. Anywho, this movie made me WANT to cover my eyes many times and *ACTUALLY* cover my eyes during one particular fully nude fight scene. PS Matthew Broderick’s look in this movie is also pretty jarring. A far cry from the leopard vest wearin’ babe soda he once was as Ferris Bueller.

Super Pumped: The Battle for Uber

Showtime & Netflix, 7 episodes (60 mins)

Quick rundown of this series and every other series that focuses on someone from Silicon Valley: they are a selfish and greedy asshole. That pretty much sums it up. The Zuckerbergs, Jobs, Musks, Gates, and Bezos of the world are all the same. They’re smart but they’re also not above stealing ideas or breaking laws to get what they want. And Travis Kalanick of Uber is no different. Do I love and regularly use every single product that all of these white men have “created”? Sure do. But that doesn’t mean I need to see Hollywood make another biopic or series about a self-centered butthole who tries to justify being a terrible person by calling himself a “disruptor?” NOPE. Do yourself a favor and skip this one because it’s the same as all the others. Also, FWIW, super boring and drawn out. Not even my Lord and Savior Coach Taylor could make this palatable.

Old Dads

This is the EXACT movie you’d guess it is once you see that Bill Burr wrote, directed & starred in it. So if you want to be angry at the world in all of its wokeness, saddle up partner. There were a few moments where I laughed out loud but mostly it was just the same old jokes with heavy handed old school conservative vs new age libby undertones. As you might infer from the title, this movie is about three old dads. They work together and are navigating parenthood for the first time as a bunch of old crusties and basically fighting with every youth they cross paths with. It serves its purpose in making fun of the current state of the world and I didn’t mind it but if Bill Burr’s rageaholic style of comedy isn’t your preferred brand, I’d say don’t tune into this flick. Also, I may have gotten more than a little triggered when their new boss who is in his twenties calls himself a “disruptor” because I had just finished binging the aforementioned series about Uber-douche who used the term disruptor 8 zillion times and if I ever hear that dumbass buzzword again it’ll be too soon.

Pain Hustlers

When Netflix is on a whirl with something, they don’t stop until every angle of every story has been told and that’s certainly the case with the opioid crisis. I feel like I’ve seen about 5 options just in the past year of big Pharma related content. Spoiler alert: the doctors and drug sales reps of this industry are JUST AS TERRIBLE as the silicon valley turds. Three cheers for the richest people in our country also being the worst! And probably getting richer the more we write books and create movies about them!!! Despite the world going to hell in a handbasket and me sitting on my couch shoving a cookiewich into my cookiewich hole consuming it all for entertainment, this was a decent movie. I mean, I don’t know how it couldn’t be with Chris Evans and Emily Blunt at the helm. Based loosely on true events not an actual person, Liza Drake’s a poor single mom who can’t seem to make enough money to take care of her kid until she finds herself working as a pharmaceutical rep and skyrockets into richie rich-land unfortunately at the cost of basically anyone who uses this drug. The company gets the Feds on their tail because apparently when you prescribe fentanyl spray to people who have addictive tendencies for a migraine and not for cancer side effects, you’re probably going to get those people hooked and/or overdosing like nobody’s biz. I may have never dabbled in recreational drugs but every idiot on the planet knows fentanyl is the big bad wolf so suuuure let’s just spritz it on our tongue whenever we have an ache or pain! PS Phoebe can take an acting class or two from Emily who flawlessly gave us a Florida accent in this movie with no detection of her Brit roots.

Get Gotti

3 episodes (50-60 mins ea)

With Italian blood flowing deep, it would be sacrelidge of me not to love a good mafia joint. I’m all over any new peek behind the curtain of Cosa Nostra like Sunday sauce on a meatball. In fact, when I studied abroad in Italy, I took a whole class on the mafia. Gotta pay respect to my ancestors where it’s due and obviously the only way to do that is to watch a series about how BALLER it was to be a mafia boss and thank my lucky stars I was never alive during the height of this madness because I would truly poop my pants. Gotti made the mafia a little *too* mainstream in the 80’s acting more like a celebrity and less like a guy who kills people for a living and unfortunately, it didn’t end so well for him. But this series showed me what a disaster it was for THREE law enforcement branches to take him down and I know I’m not supposed to laugh at the incompetency of cops and cheer for a stone cold killer but it is a little bit funny that between local, state, and federal investigators, they were ousted by a bad guy this many times. This series wasn’t too drawn out like many can be and I’d definitely recommend to anyone like me who is a crime/mafia junkie.

Heather McMahan: Son I Never Had

Every once in a while I dabble in the latest stand-up special that drops. I’ve seen Heather before via her podcast or TikToks that she does and I think she’s pretty funny. Unfortunately, that didn’t translate to stand-up comic level of funny for me. Comedy is super subjective and different brands are not everyone’s cup of tea. So I guess I can’t really tell you whether this is worth watching or not but I can reveal that I didn’t laugh at one joke, and I’m gonna go ahead and declare it a bust for me, personally. She talks a lot about her childhood, her weight, and the death of her dad, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Big Vape: The Rise and Fall of Juul

4 episodes (45 mins)

I don’t even know why I smashed play on this. To be honest I only just started it as I wrote this blog and immediately in epi 1, my trigger term disruptor was used and I wanted to Hulk Smash the TV. This series follows the rise of those little thumb drive lookin ciggies that have become all the rage with the youths. I was clearly looking to get pissed by watching this because I famously make fun of Gen Z on this blog and Juuls and vaping is EXCLUSIVE to that generation. Dressing like the Olsen Twins circa 1993 and pluming it up on a flash drive. That’s what they do best. One kid featured in this doc had a collapsed lung from how much he was vaping and he RECORDED them inflating his lung again for the Tok. Ope, hang on a second, Doc, gotta make sure I set up my tripod/ring light and catch this for all of my followers! OUR FUTURE IS IN THEIR HANDS. Ok now I’m just getting mad about it again and basically transforming into Old Dad, which honestly is my personality anyway. The best/worst part about this series is that they created Juul to be HEALTHIER than cigarettes. LOLOLOLOL, yeh, sure, ok, babes.

Love is Blind, Season 5

11 episodes (1 hr 15 mins ea)

Obviously this show is not new and I’m not recommending it as it’s been around for quite a few years now. I’m here to cancel it. That’s right, The Salty Ju cancels Love is Blind. This last season which ended mid October SUCKED. It sucked so bad that I think the entire premise has jumped the shark. Love is no longer *TRULY* blind. They couldn’t even drum up enough couples to follow this season. They’re casting people that have already dated, they’re erasing couples from the edit with no explanation, past cast members have publicly declared they were starved and emotionally abused in the process, half of the couples break up or get divorced after their final reunion or “catch-up” episode airs. It’s just all shady shit. It’s not even fun to laugh at these clowns anymore. (With the exception of the photo above, the only time I truly laughed out loud this season when they did Izzy the DIRTIEST and had him sitting like a toddler with his legs dangling as he tries to impress his future bride’s dad who thinks he’s a poor schmuck.) We will never be able to recreate the magic of Shane looked tweaked out as shit on his wedding day, try as he might to keep doing so on the interweb. Even host Vanessa Lachey pissed people off so much during the Season 4 reunion that I thought for SURE she’d get bounced and yet she was back this season after a stern meeting with HR I’m sure, as she was notably more subdued and not foaming at the mouth asking if each woman was ovulating and when they would present the first LIB child to sacrifice at the altar. At this point I can’t stand Vanessa so much that I hope the show gets cancelled just so she’s out of a job because she 100% should’ve been shit-canned after S4. So you heard it here first, LOVE IS BLIND IS DEAD.

Might I suggest an alternative? Hop on over to the Bravo universe where there are 14,000 reality shows full of dummies to immerse yourself in. Not to brag but I decided at the beginning of September that I was sick of being left out of the Summer House dramz and watched all six seasons and the two seasons of chilly spin-off Winter House in less than a month. When I put my mind to something, I really get after it. Instead of enjoying the last warm weekends of a beach summer, I was Mrs. Send It with Kyle, Amanda, Carl, and Lindsay right in my living room. Who needs real friends when you can just rip and tear it up with a gang who can afford to live in the Hamptons every summer and wreck the mansion they rent by filling the pool with tea for their 4th of July party?! If this doesn’t show you how qualified I am to deliver hot takes on the latest streaming content, I don’t know what does. Strap in for winter folks, cause it’s gonna be a long one.

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Music

Taylor Swift – folklore.

Alright gang, here we are, back again together so much sooner than expected to hear ALL of my unfiltered thoughts on every single song off of T’s new album. I’ve spent the entire weekend getting in my feels and listening to it so that I can bring you some hot takes on where her 8th studio album falls in the lineup. Right out the gate, this surprise drop inconvenienced me because I wasn’t able to skip on over to Target and get a hard copy for all of my listens. I’m still waiting on my deluxe edition to be shipped so I had to listen to Spotify like a poor (why aren’t digital downloads a thing when you purchase a physical CD?) which also means that I will not be able to review the bonus track until that bad boy arrives. Otherwise, let’s dive in to all the tales she told on this album.

1. the 1. “I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit” is one HELL of a way to kick off a surprise album. Also this is now the only appropriate response to “how are you?” for the rest of 2020. Strong first track and pretty much everyone who I yapped about this album to agreed. It’s easily my favorite song on folklore. And that’s saying a lot as Taylor just keeps making her albums longer and longer, thus forcing me to really pull a lot of commentary out of my ass these days to deliver these track by tracks blogs. Anywho, great beat to this and loving that it plays right into my hands of being a bitter cynic that thinks no one stays together anymore with “you know the greatest loves of all time are over now.”

Best Lyric: I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit (OBVIOUSLY)

2. cardigan. I gave a brief review of cardigan while I was listening for the first time and I really hated that she chose this song to do the music video. I immediately gravitated to like 6 or 7 other songs upon first listen to this album and cardigan was not one of them. The music video was fine, the song is fine, but it was tough to be the first snippet of this album I heard, especially while forcing myself to stay awake past my bedtime to rabidly consume it. I think she made it the “single” so to speak because it definitely sets the weird hipster artistic vibes she’s aiming for on this album. Also amazing marketing tool by her once again to send influencers Taylor Swift cardigans. Kinda shitty I didn’t get one, I basically live in the snowbelt of America and could really use a cozy cardigan with Taylor Swift’s name on it but WHATEVER Tay.

Best Lyric: And when you are young, they assume you know nothing (it’s true tho.)

3. the last great american dynasty. So the biggest thing I took away from this album is that Taylor basically wanted to tell other people’s stories. Real, made up, old, new, whatever. So as literally every single foaming at the mouth news outlet will talk about how each song is about Joe or Karlie Kloss (seriously, relax on the lesbian theories with those two)–I’m choosing to just enjoy the stories she’s telling and not overthink who they’re about. So I’m firmly Team Rebekah on this one. I love a divorcee who loves a good party. As far as the sound goes on this one, “I had a marvelous time” in that breathy Wildest Dreams voice really hits different. Made this a top song for me. That and the fact that she uses the word gauche. If I read that by itself I would never pronounce it correctly. But now that Taylor has sang it, I’m basically a wordsmith. Couldn’t tell you what I learned in college, a degree I’ll be paying for for the rest of my life, but now I know that gauche rhymes with goes and is a word for unsophisticated.

Best Lyric: The wedding was charming, if a little gauche / There’s only so far new money goes

4. exhile (ft. Bon Iver). I’ve never been a huge Bon Iver guy because he’s got a real sadboi voice and you certainly need to be in a mood for that type of music but call me a sadboi because I’m LOVING this song. It’s also very important for me to say (and this will ONLY resonate with One Tree Hill stans) this is a Peyton song and there’s no other way around it. Specifically, a Peyton season 5 post-rejecting Lucas’s proposal and having to see him move on with someone else. When she’s opening that record label in Tree Hill and just basking in The National’s deep voice sadness:

 

Ya that’s where I’m at with this song. And that’s fine. Peyton was whiny as hell and had two moms die and a casual psycho stalker so it’s not like her life was peppy but we’ve all had some Peyton moments where you just want to drown in haunting voices and feel sorry about your life. This is the PERFECT song to do that to.

Best Lyric:I think I’ve seen this film before / And I didn’t like the ending (not the first time she’ll reference a film on this album)

5. my tears ricochet. Taylor coincidentally dropped her MOST romantic album last year at the same exact time I was going through a breakup. Obviously I was bitter as hell and not having an easy time identifying with her rainbows of LOVE songs which really put a damper not only on how I viewed the album, but also how difficult it was for me to review it. Like ok, we get it you’re in love EYE ROLL, whatever. It wasn’t a good time for her to brag about it in my personal life and honestly it was rude of her to not take that into consideration. The point of that ramble was to say that if Lover was about Love, folklore is about loss and struggle. AND THAT’S WHERE I LIVE, BABY. I’m LOVING this album because nobody knows how to get down in the dumps like ya gurl the Salty Ju. Dramatic lyrics about breakups? PILE IT ON ME, BOO. SO now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s first confront her singing “cause I looooooooved you, I swear I looooooved you” in an Irish brogue. We gonna let that one slide? Her dramatics in love and loss have caused her to try out a new accent? Besides that little slip up, I’m all in on this song.

Best Lyric: And if I’m dead to you, why are you at the wake? (Every drama queen’s first post-breakup caption SEND.)

6. mirrorball. This was the first one I came across in the lineup of listening that I wasn’t crazy about. It’ll probably be a skip for me. Definitely a retro feel to it of the times when dance contests were all the rage. To be perfectly honest I kept thinking of the episode of Gilmore Girls where they do the dance marathon and wear 50’s girl outfits and Dean dumps Rory. So apparently I’m just going to relate every song off of this album back to mid-2000s teen shows. Super fitting for me.

Best Lyric: And I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why

7. seven. Another skip for me unless I’m really wanting to get in touch with my Lilith Fair side. If I may relate it back to another pivotal teen show in my life, this 90’s chick singer throaty vibe she’s throwing sounds like something that would be on Dawson’s Creek. I half expect to see Joey tucking her hair behind her big ass ears and Dawson talking about how badly he wants to stop talking about sex and start having it in his giant army green cable knit sweater. I’m sorry. I can’t stop. I’m a teen soap monster.

Best Lyric: And I think you should come live with me / And we can be pirates (cause why not?)

8. august. Ok she got me back on this one. Summer is my favorite season of all time and also feels like it goes SO fast, so leave it to Taylor to put that into beautiful words and also use comparisons to wine to get my attention. August is the Sunday night scaries of summer. And we’re almost there, unfortunately so this is hitting a little too close to home right now. I’m not ready for fall. I’m NEVER READY FOR FALL. What helps a little bit is toward the end of the song when she gets a little pep in her step with “remember when I pulled up and said get in the car” and it was giving me a little Getaway Car flashback. Or, in dumber terms, my note in my phone for that part of the song is “YAAASSSSSSS.”

Best Lyric: For me, it was enough / To live for the hope of it all

9. this is me trying. This falls in middle ground territory. This song is neither great nor terrible. It’s got a lot of the elements that we’ve already seen her leaning into on this album. References to a failed relationship being a film, a breathy orgasmic outburst (AT LEAST I’M TRYING) and killer lyrics. The person contributing to lyrics genius claims this is a Taylor taking credit for her flaws in relationships song, and yet there’s a HEAVY undertone of this individual being an alcoholic, which I don’t believe Taylor is, so I think her fans really need to cool it on reading into every song relating directly back to her life. Also there’s a real divide between fans who think she secretly married Joe and fans who think she broke up with him and let me be clear ALL OF THESE THEORIES ARE CONCLUDED FROM PEOPLE OVER-ANALYZING HER LYRICS. God quarantine needs to end cause we all need to get a life. (FTR, I’m firmly in the Joe is her end game camp…so if they’re married I wouldn’t be surprised.)

Best Lyric: They told me all of my cages were mental / So I got wasted like all my potential / And my words shoot to kill when I’m mad / I have a lot of regrets about that (B2B bomb lyrics. Verse 2 packed a punch.)

10. illicit affairs. Maybe Tay wrote this one about her good bud JT. BAM. Ricochet shot. (I’ll never be over JT being a public cheater, oBViOuSlY.) I do really like this song for her going up into the high notes for random words. It’s like the musician version of putting a word in bold. I also giggled at “tell your friends you’re going for a run, you’ll be flushed when you return.” As if anyone could pass off banging in a hotel room as a quick jog.

Best Lyric: And you know damn well / For you, I would ruin myself / A million little times

11. invisible string. Oohh shit we’ve got a little banjo in the mix now! What a nice way to spice things up as I was just starting to move into a comatose state of synths. For the record, this does seem like a song about Joe. She had to sneak one in somewhere. It was only fair. So we’ll rap about how she references the song Bad Blood, which apparently Joe heard in a cab in LA, a reference to the yogurt shop he used to work at, the dive bar where they hung out that she referenced in delicate and then there’s a little part about boys who broke her heart and now she sends their babies presents. Which led to an unfortunate headline on one of the gossip rags about how Taylor Swift is sending Joe Jonas a baby gift. And honestly, she dated Joe for a brief mo when she was like 18 and he dumped her on a 30 second phone call so are we really doing a callback to that garbage relashe? I feel like people are so desp to create headlines out of her lyrics that they’re really starting to reach. Either way, another lovely ode to her current relationship–he gets paper rings AND invisible strings.

Best Lyric: Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

12. mad woman. Our first Taylor Swift F bomb. THIS IS AN OCCASION. Taylor has been OVERLY PG on most of her albums. I believe we got our first swear on Reputation (shit) and nothing has ever escalated beyond that. So to get a straight F bomb–AND have it not be the only one on this album. Praise be, our girl’s all grown up! My trash mouth that can’t STOP F bombs from flying is v. proud of her for this. But also this is a classic Taylor feminist song. Pointing out the double standards of men vs. woman and showing that passionate females are treated like they should be committed. This tune could be a GREAT soundtrack for the latest Dirty John season because Betty Broderick was a straight up MAD WOMAN.

Best Lyric: Or does she mouth, “Fuck you forever”? (Adding forever in really makes this curse slap harder.)

13. epiphany. This is a church hymn. Since I’m not in the business of listening to prayers, chants and church jingles in my free time, I’m fully out on this song. It’s like the “it’s nice to have a friend” of this album. Immediate skip. Sorry not sorry. It’s apparently about her grandfather serving in the war, which is ironic because it gives me PTSD to high school when I had to go to church every Sunday and if I missed one I had to go to confession. (Obviously that is said with the most sarcasm, being at war has no comparison to going to church in white suburbia so pls don’t cancel me.) TYSM.

Best Lyric: Only twenty minutes to sleep / But you dream of some epiphany / Just one single glimpse of relief / To make some sense of what you’ve seen

14. betty. This was like ALL THE RAGE the day the album came out that Taylor released the name of Blake Lively and Ryan Reynold’s third child that they hadn’t announced yet. To think that Taylor who has everything planned and pre-meditated about her music and her marketing and how she puts herself out there would have just casually decided to out a child’s name without their parent’s permission is straight idiotic. I can guarantee you that she wrote the song and immediately sent it to them and asked for their feedback. So everyone trying to call her a bad friend needs to take a page from Lover and CALM DOWN. She happened to toss their collection of RANDOM ASS names into this song. Like honestly Blake and Ryan seem pretty normal (for being gorgeous and rich celebs) and yet named their three girls James, Inez & Betty. K. Anyway, now that we’ve established that she used their names and they have absolutely nothing to do with the song, let’s talk about how this is an OG Taylor smash. It’s got all of the early, crimped hair, Christmas Tree farm in backwoods PA sounds to it and I love this nostalgic flashback. That harmonica, OOOooOO Baby. Also, notably, another F bomb.

Best Lyric: Standing in your cardigan / Kissin’ in my car again (what a rhyme.)

15. peace. The second this song started I was like am I listening to a John Mayer song? That guitar coming in right off the bat was an ode to J.May if I’ve ever heard one. And guess what? I love John Mayer so this worked out perfectly. I dig the stripped down guitar vibes and also this song had the most ME lyric of all time (see below) that I quite literally gasped when she sang it. So that certainly helps.

Best Lyric: I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best / But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standin’ with me (UM HI IT’S ME, PERPETUAL RAIN CLOUD FOLLOWING WHEREVER I GO, WAITING TO DUMP A RAINSTORM RIGHT ON MY HEAD.)

16. hoax. Not a strong finish for me. It sounds a lot like cardigan so this makes sense. It’s just giving me uneasy, eerie feels. Considering her drowning with her piano in dark choppy waters for the cardigan video gave me night terrors, I’m not so into feeling the creeps from a song. So moving forward, folklore will start with the 1 and end with peace. And that’s a wrap, folks.

Best Lyric: You knew you won so what’s the point of keeping score? (Another bomb sassy post-breakup zinger.)

BONUS TRACK – the lakes. TBD whenever my stupid CD comes in the mail. Thanks for making everything more complicated by cutting Target out of the deal, TAY.

Update: After almost exactly one month…I placed my order on July 24th, I received the physical CD on August 20th, I can now review the BONUS track that we weren’t allowed to hear for a whole ass month. WHY?! Honestly, WHY TAYLOR?! What’s with the dramatic delay? There were Swifties popping off all over TikTok that she was holding off on releasing the bonus track because it’d be announcing her pregnancy or marriage and here we are, The Lakes has arrived. And it stinks on toast. It says nothing that she hasn’t already said on this album. It’s really a meh song. One that I feel like I didn’t need to wait this long for. Is my bitterness clouding my judgment of this song? Perhaps a little. But it is most certainly not a bangpiece hit and there’s a reason it wasn’t included on the original album to begin with. Jus Sayin.

Best Lyric: I’ve come too far to watch some namedropping sleaze / Tell me what are my words worth (EAT IT SCOTT BORCHETTA & SCOOTER BRAUN)

@thesaltyju

When your #folklore CD comes a month after you ordered it with star confetti and NOT a personal cardigan from Taylor Swift herself. 🙄 ✌🏽

♬ exile – Taylor Swift

OVERALL ALBUM NOTES: I may be biased because I’ve been a Taylor stan my whole life but I commend the way that she can create a whole mood for each album. She’s pushed herself to make albums that sound completely different from each other and are so cohesive like a CD storytime. There’s quite literally a T.Swift album for every vibe that you could be feeling and I think that’s a really cool way to approach music. I mean if you want to scream F the world, you hit up Reputation, if you want to brag about meeting your soulmate–you pop in Lover and if you want to have profound thoughts and tell ghost stories, you fire up this bad boy. Obviously this is a slower record and much more for deep listening and none of these will ever be called bops, BUT I would also argue that it’s her strongest songwriting record. She’s always been a phenomenal songwriter giving fans relatable lyrics, but reaching and telling other people’s stories just added to that and I’m guessing because it probably started from her just writing away while in quarantine. I too have been writing away while in quarantine but my writing has a lot of swears and I’ve never once used a word like clandestine because I couldn’t even tell you what it means. Different strokes for different folks. That’s why we love Taylor–the word play, the references & easter eggs and of course, the dramatics when it comes to loves lost, I think this was a hot to trot lyrical masterpiece.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelorette – She’s Not My Person

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Becca wants to move to the Bahamas. Becca is all of us. Except for the part where she gets paid to go there and mack a bunch of dudes. In the Chris and Becca weekly gab sesh; Becca declares that she wants no drama this week. Something tells me there will be drama. Chris Harrison does a dumb analogy about Las Vegas and betting even though they’re in the Bahamas and he asks Becca to bet on the outcome of this journey. She bets she’ll be engaged. No shit.

Becca drops in on the boys and requests hugs from all like she’s picking up her kids from school at the end of the day. She announces that there will be four dates and no rose ceremony so BUCKLE UP. Colton’s up first, which gives the remaining butthurt bruhs plenty of time to talk shit about the Coltmaster being a virgin and how he should go home. Meanwhile, Becca drools all over Colton’s body for like a solid amount of time. Girl needs that D. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a female openly slobber that hard in Bachelorette history. Just when Colton’s going to confess to his chastity ring, a Bahamian wearing a white crop top cut like a paper snowflake you used to make for your bedroom window, interrupted to send them diving for conches, which HILARIOUSLY sounds like COCKS.

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A bunch of terrible sexual innuendos follow. It pains me to think that whoever writes these scripts actually thinks these are funny. LOLOL Colton’s a virgin so let’s have the two of them make some cock jokes and slurp something as an “aphrodisiac”.

FINALLY, Colton spills the beans about his lack of sexual activity. Becca appears to not take the virg news so well by saying, “REALLY?!” then excusing herself for a second to fake cry about it (?) When she returns (offering no explanation as to why she ran away) he talks about how hard it was being an athlete and a virgin. Boohoo. He wants his virginity to be a gift for someone. Becca wants to accept that gift so she gives him a rose. If I were Colton I’d be like wait a minute you just made me feel like a piece of trash by walking away when I confessed something embarrassing so I don’t want that rose. But Colton is dumb and so is this show. Also not for nothing but I’d stay woke on this whole virginity thing. Colton’s got charm and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not 1 hundo percent true.

 Love is in the Air with Garrett

They fly over the islands and Garrett is annoying. I’m sorry. I just really don’t like the guy. And I’m willing to bet he wins too. They make out a lot on a private beach and fornicate on a tree swing. Later, Becca toasts him and says thanks for a great day, I have fun with you and Garrett replies you’re really good at that. What’s she good at, Garrett? Forming sentences? Turns out the last girl who met his family was his ex-wife and he hasn’t really dated since then. Becca is like we’ve had the same romantic history basically and roses him.

You Make My Heart Skip a Beat with Blake

HOT start to this date with the return of the Baha Men’s greatest hit Who Let the Dogs Out….who.who.who.who. Oh apparently they’ve got a new song! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? Blake and Becca dance awkwardly as only white people can to island music with that much flavor. If we’re being honest this new beat’s got nothing on a song comparing letting dogs loose to the start of a party. I am hashtag grateful that the Baha Men were able to come out of retirement for this d list free concert for TV. WHAT HAVE THESE CRAZY GUYS BEEN UP TO FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS?!

baha

Anyway, Blake opens up about his mom having an affair with his bball coach when he was in high school. YIKES. Reminds me of that show Life As We Know It, which obviously got cancelled, but starred early 00’s babe sodas Missy Peregrym and Sean Faris. Spoiler alert: he finds his mom sleeping with his hockey coach in like the first episode. Then DRAMA ensues. Anyway, look it up. That show is 1 trillion times better than this one. It also had a PRETTY steamy teacher student affair. Dirty stuff for primetime TV. Jus sayin. Anyway, Blake is in love with Becca and I’m pretty sure he was the first to say it. OBVIOUSLY he gets the rose and Becca admits to us that she’s also in love with him and sees him as her husband. Took it one step to far Bex, don’t get ahead of yourself here with 4 guys left.

These Days Are Never Easy with Wills, Leo and Jason

The guys run at Becca who is wearing an all denim whoutfit. Who has been dressing her this season? Because I’ve had enough. There’s never a need to wear matching white shorts and denim jacket with white sneakers. Thankfully the jacket is ditched for a friendly game of beach volleyball with the whole gang. She’s having a blasty blast but we all know how this is going to go. She’s friend zoned Wills and Leo and Syracuse.com spoiled a home visit with Jason roughly 4 months ago. Leo says he feels behind on the relationship front, and Becca spins the breakup making it sound like it was his fault for being honest. Goodbye you beautiful man bun. At night, Becca gets frustrated with asshole Coach Bombay for not opening up and telling her he’s falling for her like everyone else has. He feeds her some bullshit about being hurt before. Wills wears the hell out of a Hawaiian shirt. Wish he could’ve come to my Hawaiian themed birthday party. Him and the Baha Men. Could’ve been a real rager. Wills gets sent home but we know he won’t be lonely for long because he’s adorable and dresses well and is super sweet and oh ok as I was typing this sentence it was announced he’ll be on paradise of course. NEXT WEEK: HOMETOWNS and more Colton/Tia drama that no one saw coming except everyone did because there’s clearly more to that story. TOLD YOU TO STAY WOKE ON COLTON, GUYS.

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Television

Emmys 2017 Recap

I used to do a recap for every awards show ever…in fact I think I had to physically stop myself from watching and recapping the Kids Choice Awards. That was where I drew the line, apparently. It was a very fine line. I recapped funny things that happened, or I would critique how the host did UNTIL Trump was elected and Hollywood decided that every awards show should be their personal political platform. It’s cool guys, you have your opinions and you want to share them when everyone is watching, it’s whatever. The problem HOWEVER is that for someone who doesn’t follow politics (this guy) awards shows have officially become over my head. Their jokes, their jabs, the over-exaggerated bits–everything flies over this dum dum dome, and therefore HOW CAN I RECAP A SHOW I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND?! So to my true hardcore fans–I apologize for the lack of content. I genuinely don’t think awards shows are funny anymore because I’m not in on the joke. That being said, I’ve picked 5 things about the Emmys that WERE entertaining, JIC you also tuned out after the first five minutes of a song saturated by political commentary.

1. The Only Trump Joke I Laughed At. Obviously every late night host has perfected their Trump impression and Stephen Colbert hosting was a precursor to a whole lot of political nuances that I was prepared to zone out for. But then he read this tweet:

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And panned to Seth spitting up marbles. I actually burst out laughing. It’s the simple things that get me, really. What a great bit. Colin Jost’s casj straight face really hits it home.

marbles

2. Anna Chlumsky is the new Taylor Swift.

I’ve never seen a more overdramatic over-reactor since Taylor Swift owned the audience cam at every awards show ever. Anna puts asses in the seats when it comes to facial expressions. Half the time I didn’t even know something was supposed to create emotions until I looked to her face for guidance. She was shocked, she sobbed for no reason during an acceptance speech & she pulled a full range of weird faces while onstage during Veep’s acceptance, just trying to find the right one. Do 1000% less, Anna.

3a. RIGHT ON THE KISSER.

I missed this happening live and was so happy that it was on twitter within minutes. God Bless Twitter. HOW can you possibly kiss your co-star like that right in Keith’s grill piece? That’s some cold shit, Kidman. Like I get that you guys had a real, shall we say, intimate acting experience together–but like NOT a good look to make out on live TV. If I were Keith I would’ve popped him right smack in the middle of that stupid ‘stache he’s rocking. My friend and I sat there with baited breath through Nicole’s acceptance speech to see if she would even thank Keith because obviously we were convinced just from that kiss that she’s having an affair. Cheating is bad but like maybe Nicole sleeping with her costar is what Keith needs to clean up that hairstyle that he’s had since 1997. It’s such a horrific mom cut and it does not belong on his head. Just saying. This could be beneficial for all. BTW she did gush over her hubs and called him “my Keith” so I guess she wins back points for that. BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON THE SITUATION.

3b. Nicole hates Reese.

nicole-reese

Big Little Lies was my draw to the Emmys this year. Each year I watch one thing that’s worthy of awards and BLL was my golden ticket this time around. So I was extra interested every time they were on screen, especially because they made such a giant deal about all being women and how GROUNDBREAKING it is that women are lead roles in Hollywood, which I feel like has been going on for some time, but whatevs. I knew that they all couldn’t be besties like they kept blabbing on about so I waited for the weak moment and I didn’t really need to search hard for it. Nicole was up against Reese for lead actress in a mini-series and when she won, she kissed that husband of hers (at least it wasn’t Alex this time) and bolted up to the stage at lightning speed. Reese was sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND HER. All it would’ve taken was a quarter turn and fake butt-out hug but she didn’t even give her that. BURN CITY, Population: Reese Witherspoon. Then she starts her speech with  “Reese, I share this with you.” Do you though? And then proceeded to have a 15 minute speech that the DJ didn’t DARE play off. Suddenly Nicole Kidman is a power player? What is going on here.

4. The Pearsons are REAL.

I may be biased because Sterling K Brown delivered my favorite speech from last year’s Emmys but I also feel like he deserves a shout out because they played him off the minute he opened his mouth last night–yet let Nicole Kidman talk for an hour and a half. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. Before they literally cut the camera away because he kept talking over the music (KEEP PLAYING, BITCHES) he thanked his This is Us family “You are the best white TV family that a brother has ever had.” That just warms my heart. THEY’RE A REAL FAMILY, YOU GUYS.

5. Oprah.

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I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention lately now that Oprah is off TV, just living somewhere soaking in her riches from the OWN network, but girl has dropped an ENTIRE PERSON in weight. She’s got some sassy dark frames and she looked like a real babe soda last night. CBS knew it too. They plopped her front row center so that everyone had no choice but to admire the O. Even John Oliver thanked her in his speech because “she’s sitting right in front of me and it seems inappropriate not to.” Everyone bow down to Skinny Ope. PS White is NOT slimming so it’s even ballsier for her to wear that whoutfit and still look SAP.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/4/17

1. Taylor Swift Has Sex.

As if I wasn’t overwhelmed enough with angsty Tay, she goes right ahead and sneaks out another new song over the long weekend. I actually saw/listened to it on her instagram story and was like oh this is some weird sponsorship song that she wrote for a football game. Since football is literally my least favorite thing on this planet, I wrote it off until I went onto Twitter and everyone was like omggggg Tay’s new song #ORGASM and I felt real dumb for thinking it was just a marketing ploy. Hey Taylor, next time you’re going to release a song about sex and stuff, don’t promote it with Game Day clips and confuse the hell out of me. I mean “Touch me, and you’ll never be alone” WOooooOOOO, girl. We get it. You like sex stuff. Whatever. I’m ready for it. And to be clear, the “it” I’m referring to is playing this song just as much as LWYMMD…not sex.

2. Older Peter is the New Bach.

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The Bachelor Franchise is sinking fast and they KNOW it. They just aired quite possibly two of the worst seasons ever in history B2B and used a 100% scripted rape storyline for ratings on their trashy summer show. What do you do when you’re in hot water? Apparently pick a contestant from 15 years ago (Arie Luyendyk Jr.) who no one even remembers to try and get back in everyone’s good graces. Everyone with a vagina wanted Peter to be the next Bachelor but he had to go and piss us all off by looking like he was trying WAY TOO HARD to be the next Bachelor and also kind of being a dick to Rachel post-breakup. So what does Mike Fleiss the shouting Twitter-monster do? (I gotcha back, Kaitlyn. Mike Fleiss SUCKS.)  He throws shade at Peter then picks someone who looks like a Z-List Peter. People don’t forget that you suck, bro. And yes I’ll probably still watch. Because FOMO.

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#tbt to the most incredible journey of this life time that has now officially come to an end today. As I sit here writing this, I struggle to hold back the tears as I am overcome with emotion one last time. First and foremost.. Rachel, there are so very many things that I've wished I could say to you since the day we parted ways in Spain, but for everyone's sake, I'll keep it short… You gave me a chance and all that I can say is thank you. I have a heart filled with love for you now and always and wish you nothing but the best in your life and love ahead. ABC, you saw something in me, but something held me back. You treated me with such love and kindness and showed me glimpses of a life I never once dreamed that I could have. I will be forever humbled and grateful and will always look back at these last 6 months with an ear to ear smile, knowing that this has truly been a very special life indeed. Upon leaving the @bacheloretteabc I was asked, "what did you learn about yourself during this process?" And at the time I naively said "nothing that I can think of." Now… looking back… I realize I learned one of the single greatest teachings of my life; When you let uncertainty or fear guide your decisions, you risk missing out on what could potentially be the greatest opportunity of a life time. So live dangerously, live without the fear of the unknown, and continue to live and love with a heart that is truly open to anything. #thankyou #lovealways

A post shared by Peter J Kraus (@peterkrauswi) on

We’ll all miss you Peter.

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3. Kelly Clarkson is Back.

Well this is a fun little ditty! Taylor goes all bad girl and Kelly goes all hip hop sass. This video made me feel like I was on all sorts of drugs but you know what? I didn’t hate it. She also dropped this slow jam. It’s whatever. Love so soft is the real heater here.

4. Third Royal Babe.

This happened over the weekend so it’s not fresh news but I got scooped and then I scooped someone else (it’s the circle of life) and I realized just now that I never got to properly JUice about it. But anyway another model baby on the way for this perfect fam. I mean they’ve already got two PLUS they’re royal so the third one is really just bragging at this point. We get it. You make beautiful humans. Enough, enough…. just kidding. Get ready for number 3 by looking at these cute little mugs.

Recent but undated handout photo issued on Friday July 22, 2016 by William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, of Britain’s Prince George with the family dog Lupo, at Sandringham in Norfolk, England. Prince George celebrates his third birthday on July 22, 2016. (Matt Porteous/Handout via AP)

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2016 Royal Tour To Canada Of The Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge - Victoria

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5. It’s Happening.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkGn3l8wdG4

Promos are making the rounds as we get closer and closer to the comeback of Will & Grace. Instead of watching marathons all day on We (seriously does that network play anything other than a 24/7 rotation of this show?) we’ll get new epis every week! If this comeback lets me down–as they all tend to do–ya’ll are gonna HEAR about it. FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!!

 

BONUS: Who knew Kylie Jenner and I had anything in common?!

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette – Copper Rules, DeMario Drools

 

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It’s like the producers knew I wasn’t really feeling this season and they try to hook me at the beginning of the episode and reassure me of my choices by tossing in gratuitous Copper scenes. And I accept. What I refuse to accept is that Copper is a casj cripple. WHO HURT YOU COPPER? I’LL HUNT THEM DOWN LIKE A DOG.

I’m Looking for Husband Material with Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred & Lucas

The guys start out with some grilled food that they don’t eat and tossing a little of the ole pigskin around. Lucas obv whabooms a lot then hardcore spins Rachel in her dress (it’s a good thing they didn’t eat those hot dogs), Blake seethes from the side because he was put on this show to wholeheartedly hate Lucas. Then, SURPRISE! Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher have joined the show to moderate the date’s activity. Someone utters that they are, “The most perfect couple in Hollywood right now” and I audibly gasped. DO NOT insult Blake and Ryan with such cutting words. Mila asks all the guys if they have jobs and Blake, Whaboomer & Tickle Monster are ODDLY silent. Ashton predicts Rachel’s guy isn’t in this group. Yeah no shit, we can all predict that, have you ever seen this show before? Mila makes some dirty sex comments that SURPRISINGLY make the cut on a show that then blurs out what I hope is fake poop in baby diapers. If it’s real poop then I’m concerned for how realistic these games are. In the Danny Tanner competition, most of the guys are sent to the doghouse for killing their babies, except for Lucas who literally drowns his offspring while unclogging the sink and yet still wins. He also bodies Kenny (whose career is pro wrestler…bold) to secure the W. And of course, for the grand finale, Lucas “Whaboom” spikes his baby. As a winning prize, he tries to convince Ashton to do a Whaboom and even the creator of an MTV show that pranked D list celebs was like yeah, no. I’m not going to do that. KICK ROCKS, LUCAS.

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Later on, Rachel is feeling no chemistry with any of these guys because real talk they’re all duds. Blake the aspiring drummer gets on his soap box to tell the other guys that he “knows Lucas from another time” and thinks he just wants to get on TV. AKA someone tipped him off to IMDB Lucas and see that he’s just an actor…which by the way is TOTAL BS. Either way, Blake fulfills his life mission to ruin his own chances by only talking about Lucas and narcs to Rachel that he’s not here for the right reasons because he lived with his ex-girlfriend or something that I don’t care to remember. Dean interrupts this sad, sad after-date party to soak Rachel’s panties just by joking with her. Hot crowd. He obviously gets rosed and a lot of smooches with red lipstick face, free of charge.

I’m Looking for My Best Friend with Peter

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Rachel brings Copper on the date and I’M ALL IN. Her Peter and Copper fly to Palm Springs for a bark box doggie pool party and I’ve never grinned at the TV harder. Peter, who? MORE COPPER PLS. How do I get an invite to one of these pup parties and do I need to have a dog in order to attend? You can get back to me on that. I guess Peter and Rachel bond but I don’t care because I spend the whole time wondering what Copper is up to and if the other dogs are picking on her for having a cast at a pool party. Turns out she doesn’t let that hold her back and still hops right into the pool for a quick dip. When she wants to get loose, Peter picks her right up and they dance. It’s the cutest darn thing on this earth. Side note: when Peter asked what happened to Copper’s leg, Rachel was REAL sketchy and said they could talk about it off camera. NOW I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. Why not just cut that part out completely? My curiosity is through the roof.

Later on, Rachel wears a bangarang dress and the two bond over being gap toothed. They also both went to relationship therapists, where they learned it’s not their fault they’re so gap toothed. Just kitten. This conversation is boring and would’ve been more interesting if Copper was sitting at the table with them being adorbs AF. Peter gets a rose and they watch a fireworks show outside. Rachel puts earphones on Copper AS IF he’ll not be terrified of fireworks directly on top of him. My dog used to hide from the vacuum. BE SMARTER, RACHEL. DOGS HATE FIREWORKS.

Swish with Lee, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario

kareem

Rach wants to find a baller so she brings the gang to open gym with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I haven’t seen Kareem since he helped Uncle Jesse find his sweet spot for DJ’s charity basketball game and it would be putting it mildly to say that he has aged. In fact, if someone hasn’t checked on Kareem since this was filmed, I suggest that they do so because he was a whisper away from flatlining right on that bench. Anyway, let’s talk about how Josiah said Rachel’s leggings fit her like a coca cola bottle. Is that a compliment? During practice time, DeMario dunks right in Rachel’s grillpiece and compares himself to Jordan, Brady AND Jeter. So he’s staying really humble and his overconfidence definitely won’t become an issue. The boys then learn that they have to play a full game for a “packed” house. They can’t seem to get their heads in the game and it’s a real sad excuse for a bball game.

wildcats

After the game the actual Cash me Ousside girl approaches Rachel to tell her she was dating DeMario when he went on after the rose. She seems well intentioned until Rachel drags DeMario out of the locker room to get cornered and it turns into a full-on episode of Maury. Lil Miss Scrunchie is talking directly to the camera, dropping F bombs and running her mouth like nobody’s biz. Shit got ratchet real quick and Rachel finally has to put her foot down when she reads a text chain that tosses Demario’s deny, deny, deny, then lie tactic right out the window. Not even a well-timed dunk will save him now.

Rachel tells him to get the F out. Chris Harrison tries to pop in for a little pep talk but Rachel is not having it after being cornered by someone wearing a nude colored scrunchy in front of cameras. She addresses the locker room about what just happened. She didn’t come here to get played, she came here to keep it one hunnid. Lee needs further explanation of what that means.

Later on, all the guys comfort her as if someone has passed instead of a playa being sent home. There are songs, poems, bible readings (?) and smooches all to make Rachel feel less sad. This is the point in time where I’d like to remind everyone that I was duped real hard by DeMario’s witty bio and charming good looks and I picked him as my only favorite this season. WHOSE GOING TO COME AND COMFORT ME?! Never once in his bio did it allude to the fact that he was shacking up with a scrunchie-wearin street rat. I am appalled. Josiah gets rosed.

Cocktail Hour

Rachel gives a shoutout to all the guys who didn’t show up to propose to her already in a relationship and Brian the Colombian steals her away right quick. He jams his tongue down her throat and says he missed her. Then gives her a massage. Be 1 trillion times less aggressive Brian, you big creep. Suddenly DeMario shows up at the mansion and has to go through 3 tiers of security and finally Chris Harrison to get to Rachel. Chris Harrison pulls Rachel aside to tell her that speaking of today’s incident, an uninvited guest has arrived. Rachel replies “who?” America collectively rolls their eyes right out of their skulls. It’s to be continued and MAY I SAY that episode 2 of the season IS WAY TOO SOON to start f’ing with the structure of the show and moving rose ceremonies to the beginning of each episode. Get your head out of your ass, ABC.

 

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Show Me Your O Face

nick-andi

Apologies for being late with this recap but it’s like pulling teeth to watch this show and I’ve just recently downgraded to a life without DVR (please keep me in your T’s and P’s) so the struggle was VERY real just to be able to watch this pointless episode after it aired. But after attempting to steal my parent’s cable from 130 miles away and failing miserably, I finally got it on Hulu. Yes you have to hear about how hard I worked just to watch Corinne get booted. Dedication at its finest.

Anyway, last week Andi rolled up to Nick’s door and they were like WHAT WILL SHE SAY?! OMGGGGGGG. Turns out just like any other former contestant whose hard up for cash, she was brought back just to give some “advice”. In this case, advice=give Nick permission to bang his three girlfriends in the fantasy suites. Cause like he’s an adult, and she’s a feminist. Did I misinterpret the definition of feminism in Beyonce’s hit educational bangpiece “***Flawless”?

bey

Andi also sneaks in a little jab about Nick being a total wiener and telling America that she “made love to him” on the after show roughly 3 years ago. People don’t forget. He’s like yeah ok maybe I regret that. Except he doesn’t really regret it…because it got him a TV deal for 3 more years.

windy

At the very windy rose ceremony, Raven shows up in actual black face and Corinne wears a fur coat. What a diverse group of ladies. Nick decides not to rose Cruella, probably because she was giving a mean stink eye throughout that rose ceremony. Corinne sobs and asks what she did wrong and Nick says she did nothing wrong, gives her a hug, says he’s gonna miss the hell out of her and tosses her into the limo. What a magician of breakups Nick is. Explain nothing and get them the hell out of there. To be fair, Corinne is probably too confused to notice that she just got shafted. She loud sobs all over that mink that her “heart will like literally like never like be repaired.” My teacher used to hit the desk every time someone said like and I wish a producer did that during this goodbye. The sorrow doesn’t last long because she quickly turns heel to being #DONE with impressing men. And then she puts herself to sleep. Goodnight sweet cheese pasta princess with the vageen of platinum. We will all miss you and your lack of emotional intelligence. corinnesmink

Lapland, Finland with Raven

The gang jets off to Finland for the fantasy suites, so that Nick can showcase his collection of turtlenecks and really show the ladies how versatile his wardrobe is for any season. Raven gets the first date/hang because Nick doesn’t really know if he likes her. She laid off rubbing actual mud on her face for her Finland makeup regimen and I thank her for that. They take a helicopter ride to watch deer run in the snow or something and then hit the pub for darts with the locals. She sucks at darts, and I know this because I went through a phase where I would play darts at the local dive bar every weekend and my friends continuously harassed me for bending my knees and winding up for a jump shot every time it was my turn. None of them offered to carry me to the dartboard like Nick did for Raven, so that’s pretty rude, tbh. Some local Finlandian’s (I made this up and I’m ok with it) looking to catch their big break come over and laugh at Raven’s stupid accent and talk shit about her in their native language, probably.

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Nick and Raven discuss their future and Nick has agreed to cook if Raven will fold the clothes. What a pair of domestic partners. I couldn’t help but notice that there was no mention of who will take care of the home while Nick is in LA doing Dancing with the Stars. These are the real hard-hitting future questions that should be asked on this show. What SHOULDN’T be discussed is Raven’s inability to orgasm all up in this B. She’s apparently never had one and it’s something that we should know. She also thinks Nick is going to give her one tonight in the fantasy suite. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Girl. He kicked a girl off so she would stop talking about their one night stand because he’s bad at sex. Lower your expectations.

Later on at dinner, it comes out that even though Raven dated her ex for 2 years, she never told him she loved him…and he only told her when he was drunk. HI I’M A RED FLAG, NICE TO MEET YA! Kinda explains why he cheated real hard on her.  Raven then gives the most scripted I Love You speech to Nick that I’ve ever heard and he’s like that’s the best profession of love I’ve ever heard. Even better than movies. Ok, Nick. I’m a little concerned about the fact that Raven was with someone for 2 years, didn’t love them yet met Nick 3 weeks ago and is so completely in love with him and trusts him to take her to O-town. After opening the fantasy suite card/key Raven immediately tells Nick that she’s only been with one guy and he couldn’t get the job done for her. No presh or anything. Nick quickly suggests to the camera that he might not sleep with the women so it’ll make his decision easier in the end. I WONDER WHAT CAUSED THIS EPIPHANY?! Hope Raven brought her BOB to Finland! See ya next week for 100 more hours and probably Rachel’s farewell.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Can’t Escape the Poop

bachnick

Now that we’ve been blessed with one “to be continued”, we will start off with rose ceremonies for the rest of the season and end with the dumbest three words a TV show could end with. Obviously this will be continued, we’ll see you same time, same place next week, ABC. You’re not building tension. Especially, when we’re back to watching Corinne sleep while everyone talks shit about her. She “sleeps” with a serial killer smile, probably dreaming of Raquel wiping her buhhole for her.

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Nick “I wear a hoodie to a pool party” Viall is still getting a dose of real talk from Vanessa (who if it’s not obvious, is too good for this show #feminism, #womensmarch). Nick tells Vanessa he gives an F what she thinks but wants her to be more patient with Corinne, specifically until hometowns when he can determine whether picking Corinne comes with unlimited amounts of Raquel’s cheese pasta. Sarah and Taylor crawl into Corinne’s bed to wake her up from her nappie and aggressively tell her to pull it together. This is really well accepted, Corinne apologizes, and everyone braids each other’s hair. Just kitten. Corinne throws a grade A bitchface, then uses her confessional to shout YOU DO YOU and IMMA DO ME a bunch of times. Don’t cross Corinne or she turns into a G, apparently. (After she’s had a full 12 hours of rest of course. Wiping the sleepies out of her eyes during the rose ceremony this week was a liiiiitttle much.)

Rose Ceremony: Danielle L, Vanessa, Rachel, Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle M, Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, Corinne

As the ladies reassure each other that they’re there because Nick sees a future with *each* of them, Chris Harrison enters with some riveting travel news. The girls are about to globetrot, first (probably only) stop: Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They all react like they’re going to Paris. Which is cute, and also sad. On the Nick front—there’s nothing quite like bringing 15 girls that you know nothing about to meet your parents! Chris and Mary Viall are nervous for their whiny bitch of a son embarrassing himself on TV again. His parents cry and talk about how much they love each other so in turn, Nick cries. It’s a real mess in Milwaukee.

While Nick snots it up with mom and dad, the gals feed some ducks because what else do you do in Wisconsin? Danielle L. gets plucked for a date and the leftovers debate jumping in the pond to drown themselves amongst the ducks. Did I mention how much I love when the bachelor picks a date in person?! So much insecurity, so little time. Anyway, FUN story about Nick, he once jumped in a river for 12 bucks! OMG he’s SO edgy. The hometown deli that conveniently greets Nick as if this was his second home makes “Nick-erdoodle” cookies of Nick’s face. He asks if he gets to eat himself. Gross, Nick. Clean it up. Danielle & Nickerdoodle smush their face cookies and then smush actual faces. But then DRAMA, while strolling through downtown N&D “accidentally” run into one of Nick’s exes who totally didn’t sign a waiver and mic up to be on camera for this bit or anything. Amber the ex has nothing but great things to say about Nick because producers are framing Nick as a good guy now, duh. His good guy façade is tested later on when Danielle goes full on tits out for the boys. Damn, girl. Even though I can barely focus on anything other than her near nip slip, she confesses that her parents have been divorced since she was 17. Not only that, but Danielle slyly adds in “so it’s been ten years” to really hammer home the point that she’s not a child bride like 90% of the contestants this season (FOR A THIRTY SIX YEAR OLD) and I respect the hell out of it. Danielle’s ok in my book. She’s a grown up and a total babe. She gets rosed, cause boobs PLUS the final surprise of more slow grind dancing onstage at a concert, this time to Chris Lane. Kind of a downgrade from BSB, tbh.

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Say Cheese with Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M, Corinne

The entire remaining cast except Raven walk up to Nick breast feeding bottle feeding a baby cow, as if this is business as usual. He’s about as country as “Farmer” Chris was when he did pushups on hay bales. The premise of this date is that the girls have to work on a farm because the farm industry is declining and labor ain’t cheap. Also, if you recall the highly esteemed show The Simple Life, watching privileged girls bale hay and shovel shit is entertaining AF.

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Josephine chose her brightest white pants and Corinne sits on a rock in the field—because she lost circulation in her hands whilst digging poop. SHE ALMOST HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I bet the hospital has prime napping beds, jus sayin. Jaimi’s good at milking the cow; because of course the lez knows her way around a nipple.

After everyone has showered, gotten a blowout, a full face of makeup and put on their tightest dress to show Nick that they can be a farm girl AND a vixen…it’s time to gang up on Corinne. Ya girl Corinne goes from full-on Gloria in Wedding Crashers to telling all the girls to stop talking shit about her and say it to her face. And, they did.

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Sarah asks Corinne if she thinks she’s ready to marry a 36-year-old man. Valid question but like, Corinne is being groomed for Paradise and everybody knows it. She can parade around a fake engagement ring on insta all she wants but she’s already got a ticket to the sex island this summer. Then Kristina and Corinne get in a fight but I’m not really sure what it was about because I straight up don’t understand a word that falls out of Kristina’s mouth. What I do know is that this disagreement occurred while Corinne was sitting on a lifeless Josephine covered in a red blanket on the couch. Kristina got the rose but Josephine deserves all the roses for somehow still being on this show AND contributing more to a conversation just by passing away on a couch.

Let’s Kick It with Raven

Nick suddenly transforms into a soccer coach for little sis Bella and her team. He just wants to have a regular engaged couple Saturday with the fam and see if Raven can hang. I just want Raven’s accent to change so my ears stop bleeding every time she speaks. Speaking of that beautiful accent, she uses it to ask Nick’s parents if they had to spank him a lot growing up. What an approps first question for your boyfriend’s parents. Typs soccer game fodder. Raven is a keeper. Bella approves as they bond over blue icee’s at Skateland. Bella’s going to watch this back in 5 years, see that monster blue mouth of hers and be mortified. Kind of like Nick should be for bringing his pre-teen sister on the same show he’s had sex on, twice. Nick and Raven skate it up like a couple of pros. Props to Raven for being that coordinated (and not puking on their date). Later on, Raven paints a Lifetime original movie picture of the time she walked in on her DOCTOR boyfriend cheating on her with a bar slut. Even though it came out…real….sloooowww…I was on the edge of my couch in anticipation during this tall tale. She KICKED the door down and administered a STILLETTO head beating! If “I Know What Her Vagina Looks Like” isn’t released within the year with a terribly cast Raven-lookalike, I will be THE MOST disappointed in Lifetime. Either way, Raven gets a rose because she had to see her boyfriend thrusting over another girl. They sk8 it out.

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Taylor is a lurking asshole who WENT TO JOHNS HOPKINS and is “emotionally” smarter than Corinne.

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Josephine and Corinne basically sit on each other’s laps talking about Taylor and shoving apps in their snackholes at rapid speed. It’s easily the best scene of the night watching these two hungry bitches motor through the passed hors d’oeuvres. I haven’t seen dedication to grazing like that since Chad met his lunchmeats.

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To…be…continued….

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Television

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life Recap

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Like every other female in America, I binged the revival of Gilmore Girls this holiday weekend. And since I can’t keep my opinions to myself, like EVER, I decided to blog some hot takes on the return of our favorite overly-caffeinated yappers. As a series I’d like to say that this is the only reboot that I wholeheartedly approved of. There was an actual story to tell and it wasn’t just a recycled show with tryhard jokes. Even all of the side characters had topical storylines that made sense for them and were also entertaining. i.e. Kirk creating Ooober, Taylor eliminating sewer systems, Michel having kids but still hating them. So I tip my Lorelai Gilmore winter paper boy cap to the Palladino’s on this one.

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And now here are my gut reactions, with some spoilers–it makes more sense for you to read this if you’ve already watched–but the major reveal isn’t until the end when I will spoil “the last four words” but I’ll give you ample warning to look away because I am not a savage. Also, I feel like I gave everyone ample time to binge. If my mother who has 6 cups of coffee and is chomping at the bit to run errands before 6AM could sit still for hours on Saturday/Sunday to watch this with me, you’ve been given enough time to finish. (Shoutout to Cin who learned that the greatest accomplishment of my generation is the ability to lie on the couch motionless for entire days binge watching Netflix. It’s a hardship, really.)

1. Lorelai’s Hair. Whoever made the decision to give her a bouffant for 90% of this series needs to be fired immediately, or at least forced to look at it for roughly 6 hours like I did. Lorelai has beautiful brown wavy hair. It looked good literally every other way–even  in a messy bun–and yet the poof was forced down our throats making her look old and outdated. Let’s not even get started on her erect little ponytail directly atop her head like a unicorn horn the day before her wedding. God Bless Luke for seeing that pony bouncing toward the sky during her “pre-wedding workout” and still wanting to spend the rest of his life with it. See below for very real visuals of what I’m talking about and also a reminder to us all that the poof should never make a comeback.

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2. Paris Geller Got Funnier with Age.

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Paris was always high strung and pretty terrifying but also a little comic relief in Gilmore Girls. She kept things spicy by sleeping with a crypt keeper professor at Yale before she was 21 and also being a psychopath who needed crafts to calm down. I wasn’t expecting a lot but she downright stole every scene she was in. I found myself wanting more Paris. Her bullying of the Chilton headmaster about how he was using her donations followed by a glimpse into her broken family living in a house with too many stairs is everything I never knew I needed. Shouts to Paris for sneaking her way up the character rankings in adult life, AND almost starting a brawl in her high school bathroom.

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3a. Logan is still BAE.

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Itty bitty spoiler alert I guess. Although Entertainment Weekly spoiled this a week early so they’re the real monsters here. As if readers of a Gilmore Girls article wouldn’t know which boyfriend called Rory “Ace”. ANYWAY,  I always shipped Logan because I have a thing for pretty boys and also he adored Rory and made her life exciting and then she just HAD to go and pursue her dreams and a career in journalism instead of accepting his proposal. Definitely not still bitter. Logan apparently is NOT still bitter because he’s banging Rory every time she’s in London now. Even when he’s being a little bit slimy by cheating on his fiance, I still found myself rooting for them to be together forevz. That’s because with one dazzling smile and a drop of the key to his Maine house, I’m sold on Logan being the best boyfriend of all time. Logan cares about Rory’s career and personal problems, but also isn’t a total square. Which leads me to…

3b.I Want to be in The Life and Death Brigade. 

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Bringing back the ole Life and Death Brigade gang for a wild night of wearing weird costumes and getting hammered was easily the best scene in the whole series. Colin, Finn & Robert can hold their own as sloppy rich idiots and I wanted nothing more than to join them all for a weekend of boozing. Seriously, who’s in for a little rooftop golf and buying a speakeasy this weekend? Anyone? PLUS we got to see Rory let loose with Logan, which resulted in a full view of shirtless-perfectly-carved-abs Logan the next morning (which also most likely resulted in “THE LAST FOUR WORDS.”)

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4. Stars Hollow the Musical can kick rocks.

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This isn’t me hating on Sutton Foster or any of the new adds. I think the sprinkling of new characters and cameos kept things exciting and also realistic that Stars Hollow hasn’t remained the same 10 people for the past 9 years. All I’m saying is that this musical and Lorelai’s reactions to it were funny for about 2 minutes and then I wanted to drill a hole in my head. I did not need to see what felt like every single act of that play. It was terrible and the same punchlines could have been accomplished in much less time. It also shadowed over Summer and kind of made me hate that episode. Lorelai & Rory’s weird hippie outfits that seemed approps for laying out at a community pool pretty much put the nail in the coffin for Summer, so it wasn’t all the musical’s fault but IT WAS PRETTY CLOSE.

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(Unrelated to anything but did Reese Witherspoon produce this or does Amy Sherman-Palladino have like a massive girl crush on her? Between all the Draper James gear and Wild references it was basically one big french kiss to Reese. Hope she ‘preciates.)

5. The Boyfriend Everyone Forgot.

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Adding in that Rory is dating a guy named Paul that she can’t even remember she’s dating was perfect. Everyone was foaming at the mouth to see which ex she’d end up with, so putting her with a normal and cute guy who’s just boring AF was genius. I literally just had to look up his name because I wanted to call him Pete. Thank you Paul for being the butt of all jokes, if Rory can’t even remember to dump you, you’re a special breed of lame. Speaking of lame, I ALSO loved that my least favorite of Rory’s boyfriends, Dean the wiener got the shortest amount of screen time. He’s settled down in Ohio or something pumping out kids just like he was destined to do. Dean was a good high school boyfriend but he had the personality of a 2×4 and I’m ecstatic that we didn’t even dabble in the idea of him being a part of Rory’s current life. If you’re wondering how strongly I feel, I basically made my 5th highlight about Paul so that I could sneak in my rant about Dean.

SUPER SPOILER TIME. 

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No seriously. I’m about to break down those INFAMOUS last four words. Or three, if you can count, and WE CAN COUNT, AMY! (“Mom, I’m pregnant” is T-H-R-E-E words.)

Anyway, SURPRISE! Rory’s preggers and it’s probably Logan’s. Or at least that’s what I’m choosing to believe. Why? Because it simply cannot be a wookie one night stand lovechild and also, in my personal theory it will bring this whole thing full circle. (This very well may be a proven theory and widely written about by now, but I fired this off before reading any other fan recaps, so pls forgive me if this is NOT original as I assume I’m not the first one to come to this conclusion.) Lorelai had her Christopher and her Luke. Yes she was a teen mom so that makes it a little different but those were her two main guys while raising Rory on her own. Christopher and Logan are essentially the same guy. Even the writers have pointed this out. They’re both prep school rebels who hate their dads and begrudgingly end up in the family biz. Jess is much like Luke in the sense that they’re both simple guys who don’t love to show their feelings and lead a quiet life. Jess is obviously still in love with Rory because he creeped on her through the picture window at the end of “Fall”. Therefore in my assessment of the situation, Rory will decide to raise baby on her own (much like Lorelai did), Jess will be involved in their lives and lusting after Rory, Logan will probably not be as involved because he leads a different lifestyle and will most likely marry a twat to please his father but he’ll pop up here and there to make things interesting because him and Rory still have a thing too, obv. DID WE JUST GET A SPINOFF? YUP. Sorry, I’m watching Step Brothers as I write this and apparently got a little to excited. But seriously, I would watch the SHIT out of Gilmore Girls Jr. Both Jess AND Logan on my TV every week? Yes please. Let’s make this happen.

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