It’s like the producers knew I wasn’t really feeling this season and they try to hook me at the beginning of the episode and reassure me of my choices by tossing in gratuitous Copper scenes. And I accept. What I refuse to accept is that Copper is a casj cripple. WHO HURT YOU COPPER? I’LL HUNT THEM DOWN LIKE A DOG.

I’m Looking for Husband Material with Dean, Jack, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred & Lucas

The guys start out with some grilled food that they don’t eat and tossing a little of the ole pigskin around. Lucas obv whabooms a lot then hardcore spins Rachel in her dress (it’s a good thing they didn’t eat those hot dogs), Blake seethes from the side because he was put on this show to wholeheartedly hate Lucas. Then, SURPRISE! Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher have joined the show to moderate the date’s activity. Someone utters that they are, “The most perfect couple in Hollywood right now” and I audibly gasped. DO NOT insult Blake and Ryan with such cutting words. Mila asks all the guys if they have jobs and Blake, Whaboomer & Tickle Monster are ODDLY silent. Ashton predicts Rachel’s guy isn’t in this group. Yeah no shit, we can all predict that, have you ever seen this show before? Mila makes some dirty sex comments that SURPRISINGLY make the cut on a show that then blurs out what I hope is fake poop in baby diapers. If it’s real poop then I’m concerned for how realistic these games are. In the Danny Tanner competition, most of the guys are sent to the doghouse for killing their babies, except for Lucas who literally drowns his offspring while unclogging the sink and yet still wins. He also bodies Kenny (whose career is pro wrestler…bold) to secure the W. And of course, for the grand finale, Lucas “Whaboom” spikes his baby. As a winning prize, he tries to convince Ashton to do a Whaboom and even the creator of an MTV show that pranked D list celebs was like yeah, no. I’m not going to do that. KICK ROCKS, LUCAS.

Later on, Rachel is feeling no chemistry with any of these guys because real talk they’re all duds. Blake the aspiring drummer gets on his soap box to tell the other guys that he “knows Lucas from another time” and thinks he just wants to get on TV. AKA someone tipped him off to IMDB Lucas and see that he’s just an actor…which by the way is TOTAL BS. Either way, Blake fulfills his life mission to ruin his own chances by only talking about Lucas and narcs to Rachel that he’s not here for the right reasons because he lived with his ex-girlfriend or something that I don’t care to remember. Dean interrupts this sad, sad after-date party to soak Rachel’s panties just by joking with her. Hot crowd. He obviously gets rosed and a lot of smooches with red lipstick face, free of charge.

I’m Looking for My Best Friend with Peter

Rachel brings Copper on the date and I’M ALL IN. Her Peter and Copper fly to Palm Springs for a bark box doggie pool party and I’ve never grinned at the TV harder. Peter, who? MORE COPPER PLS. How do I get an invite to one of these pup parties and do I need to have a dog in order to attend? You can get back to me on that. I guess Peter and Rachel bond but I don’t care because I spend the whole time wondering what Copper is up to and if the other dogs are picking on her for having a cast at a pool party. Turns out she doesn’t let that hold her back and still hops right into the pool for a quick dip. When she wants to get loose, Peter picks her right up and they dance. It’s the cutest darn thing on this earth. Side note: when Peter asked what happened to Copper’s leg, Rachel was REAL sketchy and said they could talk about it off camera. NOW I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. Why not just cut that part out completely? My curiosity is through the roof.

Later on, Rachel wears a bangarang dress and the two bond over being gap toothed. They also both went to relationship therapists, where they learned it’s not their fault they’re so gap toothed. Just kitten. This conversation is boring and would’ve been more interesting if Copper was sitting at the table with them being adorbs AF. Peter gets a rose and they watch a fireworks show outside. Rachel puts earphones on Copper AS IF he’ll not be terrified of fireworks directly on top of him. My dog used to hide from the vacuum. BE SMARTER, RACHEL. DOGS HATE FIREWORKS.

Swish with Lee, Diggy, Alex, Adam, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario

Rach wants to find a baller so she brings the gang to open gym with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. I haven’t seen Kareem since he helped Uncle Jesse find his sweet spot for DJ’s charity basketball game and it would be putting it mildly to say that he has aged. In fact, if someone hasn’t checked on Kareem since this was filmed, I suggest that they do so because he was a whisper away from flatlining right on that bench. Anyway, let’s talk about how Josiah said Rachel’s leggings fit her like a coca cola bottle. Is that a compliment? During practice time, DeMario dunks right in Rachel’s grillpiece and compares himself to Jordan, Brady AND Jeter. So he’s staying really humble and his overconfidence definitely won’t become an issue. The boys then learn that they have to play a full game for a “packed” house. They can’t seem to get their heads in the game and it’s a real sad excuse for a bball game.

After the game the actual Cash me Ousside girl approaches Rachel to tell her she was dating DeMario when he went on after the rose. She seems well intentioned until Rachel drags DeMario out of the locker room to get cornered and it turns into a full-on episode of Maury. Lil Miss Scrunchie is talking directly to the camera, dropping F bombs and running her mouth like nobody’s biz. Shit got ratchet real quick and Rachel finally has to put her foot down when she reads a text chain that tosses Demario’s deny, deny, deny, then lie tactic right out the window. Not even a well-timed dunk will save him now.

Rachel tells him to get the F out. Chris Harrison tries to pop in for a little pep talk but Rachel is not having it after being cornered by someone wearing a nude colored scrunchy in front of cameras. She addresses the locker room about what just happened. She didn’t come here to get played, she came here to keep it one hunnid. Lee needs further explanation of what that means.

Later on, all the guys comfort her as if someone has passed instead of a playa being sent home. There are songs, poems, bible readings (?) and smooches all to make Rachel feel less sad. This is the point in time where I’d like to remind everyone that I was duped real hard by DeMario’s witty bio and charming good looks and I picked him as my only favorite this season. WHOSE GOING TO COME AND COMFORT ME?! Never once in his bio did it allude to the fact that he was shacking up with a scrunchie-wearin street rat. I am appalled. Josiah gets rosed.

Cocktail Hour

Rachel gives a shoutout to all the guys who didn’t show up to propose to her already in a relationship and Brian the Colombian steals her away right quick. He jams his tongue down her throat and says he missed her. Then gives her a massage. Be 1 trillion times less aggressive Brian, you big creep. Suddenly DeMario shows up at the mansion and has to go through 3 tiers of security and finally Chris Harrison to get to Rachel. Chris Harrison pulls Rachel aside to tell her that speaking of today’s incident, an uninvited guest has arrived. Rachel replies “who?” America collectively rolls their eyes right out of their skulls. It’s to be continued and MAY I SAY that episode 2 of the season IS WAY TOO SOON to start f’ing with the structure of the show and moving rose ceremonies to the beginning of each episode. Get your head out of your ass, ABC.