CMA’s Red Carpet 2024

IT’S COUNTRY MUSIC’S BIGGEST NIGHT, Y’ALL!!!!! But before we dive into the boots, hats, and fringe of the red carpet, a moment of silence for my #ootd for Sunday errands (an outfit I was so chuffed with that I repeated it 3 times in one week, not sorry bout it.)

If this espresso dream isn’t qualified to judge a red carpet, I DON’T KNOW WHO IS.

Gonna change up the format as I sometimes do when there’s not 377 photos like there are at bigger awards shows and just toss them all out in a row without categorizing best or worst dressed. You’ll obviously know how I feel by my snarkalicious caption. Speaking generally though, nothing truly offended me from this red carpet. Is it because I let country stars get away with more because they’re the cool aunt of Hollywood? Perhaps. But also, TONS of basic blacks and sparkles last night so I didn’t really have an opportunity to do a wine spit-take.

Taking mama as your plus one to the red carpet is always a swoonworthy move. Mama Lynch looks phenomenal. Very flattering shimmery dress and hair. Her son on the other hand, I could do without the wife beater under a pinstriped poop suit. Jus sayin. I feel like he was trying to mimic my top tier mixture of taupes from above but took a hard left into white trash land.

I’m like 99.9% confident she’s worn this exact dress before. Am I being punk’d? WHERE’S ASHTON?!

This is so early aughts bad. Like you could tell me she’s attending the Lizzie McGuire Movie premiere and I’d be like yup, that checks. Only thing missing is an iridescent appliqué butterfly.

I LOVE this duo ‘fit. The pop of floral with the solid burgundy is CHEF’S KISS.

Honestly this groutfit isn’t the greatest thing I’ve ever seen but I’m giving Freddie his moment to shine because he jammed HR after HR down the Yanks throats in the World Series and he deserves to celebrate that gettin’ loose as a goose at Tootsies.

It would be rude of me to spend my Saturday night scream singing along with Mitchy, finally seeing him live after talking about seeing him live for a solid 7 years, only to slam his fashion sense less than a week later. So I won’t. Even though green rhinestone flames adorning a suit like they’re painted on the side of a race car is REAL tacky. I do appreciate him and wifey fully committing to the ‘we’re country folk’ bit. The chunky turquoise and bolo tie were a nice touch. But dressed down in a Posty shirt wailing about breakups and bitches is more my speed, M10.

If the skinny scarf trend comes back I’ll hurl myself off a cliff. THIS LOOKS BEYOND STUPID.

I have absolutely nothing to say about this outfit, I just want you to guess who this human is. Because when I saw the caption I IMMEDIATELY gasped, said there’s no way, then googled *insert celebrity name* plastic surgery because THAT IS NOT HIS FACE. Step away from the knife, good sir. (BTW, you know that if a woman did this everyone would be AWL over it so let’s bash a man for a shitty facelift for a change. #EQUALITY.)

Carly looks supes uncomfy and I would too if I had a rhombus covering each tot. What a weird choice for the top of this otherwise pretty gown.

GET IT, JEFF BRIDGES! From the patterned jacket to the matching velvet boots, what a STUD!

A shimmery nude princess. Also, not enough girls rep the party pony on red carpets and I love the sassy tone it sets for a look. She’s ready to drop it low to A Bar Song.

I will drool all over Lauren every day and twice on Sunday. Homegirl has got the farm babe wholesome gorge vibes on lock. Her luscious mane also gives Connie Britton’s a run for her money. Am I on a watch list for cr33pin on Lauren Akins yet? Feel like we got pretty close there. TR looks good but we all know who the real star of the show is. Also the way he’s smiling in this particular shot looks like he just ripped one and whiffed it. Tell me I’m wrong.

Hand up, I’ve hated Colbie Callait ever since she burst onto the music scene in the early 2000’s. For absolutely no reason. Basically, Colbie and Jack Johnson sang two songs that annoyed the shit out of me (Bubbly & Banana Pancakes, respectively) and were overplayed to death, therefore I hated these two singers with the fire of a thousand suns. That’s just how the cookie crumbles. BUT, I love this look for her.

This dress does absolutely nothing for her. It’s shapeless and wrinkly foil with straps that are fashioned much like I would wear a bedsheet at my college Toga Parties.

Chris wears this outfit every time he’s in public and I’m pretty much convinced he sleeps in it as well. Morgane looks stunning and I’d like to put it in writing that if she files for divorce after Chris’ very public terrible huz moment last night, I wouldn’t blame her for a second. Chris wins single of the year, hits the stage and thanks a few people then tosses it over to the other writers on the song, who THANK HIS WIFE. Yes, that’s right. His co-writers thanked his wife, NOT HIM. The same song (“White Horse”, which I could’ve sworn has been out for at least five years) wins again and he immediately apologizes for not only forgetting to thank his wife but not having her up onstage to accept the award with him because she was also a producer on the song. He claims it all happened so fast and thanks her for making his music possible. WOOF. DOG HOUSE, BUB. GET ON IN IT. Then they sang a duet and she looked like she wanted to incinerate him with her eyes. #TeamMorgane #JusticeforMorgane

Oh, OK with the coordinated duds! I love her heels and I think these two look sharp as shit.

This ain’t it, girrrrl. The yoga pants of formalwear.

I love this move. You take a hip hop jam from 2004, rework it to a country beat and it becomes THE drinking song of the summer (alongside “I Had Some Help” of course) and then show up to the CMA’s in a mint suit. THAT is embracing your fifteen minutes. Right down to the sparkly clogs.

Crushed. A blueberry pie. Honestly, this may be the only time I don’t shit all over the peplum because it’s such a ‘splosion of tulle that it WORKS. What a moment.

Not loving the glitter and embroidered combo on Caroline or the fact that Luke’s pants look like they’re 4 ft too long with the way they’re scrunched & bunched all up his legs. Can’t win em all, Bryan’s.

You can’t see this looking straight-on but the sides are open on this dress adding a real sexy peep show up top. I’m here for said peep show and a fun glitzy party frock. She also slayed her performance look, SHOCKING TO NO ONE! It’s Kelsea’s year, BB, get on board. TOOT TOOT.

Big fan of the Dickersons over here, but even stans can say what the actual F are you wearing? It’s like Molly Ringwald meets 70’s pimp. These two look they showed up almost a month late to a Halloween party. Russell, I loved when you ripped your shirt off Chippendales style at the end of your RD party, but there’s a time and a place for full chesties and a red carpet ain’t it, bruh.

This porn stache can die away from me, immeds. He shaves that lip rug off and this all black errethang look is a pantydropper. With it, it’s rapey as hell.

I’m very into this witchy cloak number and I didn’t think I would be but she’s pulling it OFF. 10/10.

Jeeze, Keith, could you at least act like you give a shit? Couldn’t even toss on a button down with your jeans and Tim Riggins jacket?

So down with these jazzy sheer pants. I’ve always loudly made fun of Lainey’s comically large cartoon-like hats, and now that I see her man wearing a matching one, I gotta flip my criticism and say good for you, girl. Find you a mans who will wear a big ole 10 gallon hat in public to match yours. That’s true love. I can only hope my future counterpart will be just as passionate about buying a hat every time he has one sip of alcohol like I am.

Love the blue jacket and as I write this, Chris Stapleton just won (again) SPOILER ALERT and as they announced that it was Chris’s 8th win in this category they panned to Luke and he screamed in disbelief EIGHT?! And I laughed out loud like a maniac. It was like a hot mic moment but actually a jumbotron showing of drunk facial expressions and he’s a real one for that. Kept me from nodding off cause shit’s getting real boring up in here. Wifey looks gr8, really like the top of this dress, and perhaps would like it even more if it wasn’t obstructed by giant erect bow.

Kind of a weird vibe as these outfits are bringing completely different energies to the function, but this oat milk suit is niiice.

Any other event and I would dump all over this dress and say it’s arts and crafts loads of ridiculousness. But at the CMA’s?! It’s perfect. It’s Levi’s meets showgirl and so fun! Plus, she looks snatched AF. Brava.

JUice

Weekly JUice – Nov 1st, 2024

I took a couple of weeks off again because I was busy movin and shakin, SARRY bout it. The world of celeb news did not take a couple of weeks off, so lemme see if I can stuff in some of my hot takes from what isn’t still breaking news in addition to the headlines from this week.

1. Gisele is going to be a ~~Grandma~~ Mom.

Not from the horse’s mouth directly, but sources (it’s People.com official) confirm that Gisele is expecting her first kid with her jiu-jitsu beefstick. My sister scooped me on this news and my immediate response was “Isn’t she 50 years old?” There was not a chance in hell I believed this bitch had working ovaries. It was like that weird season of Real Housewives of NY when they introduced us to Cynthia who was in her fifties with a fresh baby and was like what? Is that weird? My sister did the fact checking for me (reading beyond a headline) and found out that Gisele is only 44 and her baby daddy is 35…not that it matters because sperm never ages like our crusty ole eggs do. So I guess I owe Gisele an apology. It’s not like I think she looks like she’s fifty, it’s just that she’s been around forever and I always tie her into the Heidi Klum supermodel era and Heidi is indeed in her fifties. Ricochet shot. My follow-up question is how dare you? It’s hard enough for a single gal in her thirties out here with all these lil snatched Gen Z’ers cropping it up at all times like sirens who never cover their midsection and now I’ve gotta worry about hot women in their forties coming for my target age range too?! Find someone in your own era! Don’t let Kristin Cav influence all you moms to start dating younger childless guys. It’s a war zone out there. And my final thought on this matter is that this is a direct result of Tom Brady’s Roast. The GOAT agreed to make a big ole spectacle of himself for sure without Gisele’s permission and naturally she was roped into about 85% of the jokes without even being there, just because her ex-huz is an attention whore. So how do you get him back? Get knocked up by your young stallion of a jiu-jitsu instructor. Duhs.

2. One Engagement Ends As Another Begins.

What a treat to combine sad and happy news into one item. Once again, not confirmed by them but sources reported Channing Tatum and Zoe Kravitz have ended their engagement. They were together for a few years and thriller “Blink Twice” directed by Zoe and starring Channing just came out not too long ago. Knowing what I do about PR (pretty much nothing) this news breaking right on the heels of their film coming out means they probably broke up before that and waited to share that nugget until the movie had been out for a while. Nothing ruins a press tour more than juicy personal goss, not a single soul would’ve talked about the movie. As someone who literally lost all belief in love after Channing and Jenna got divorced, this breakup couldn’t mean less to me. I wasn’t against them as a couple but I certainly wasn’t swooning over them either. PS all bets that this sappy IG declaration of love was posted to keep bloodhounds off the trail of them actually not being together anymore.

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What I certainly find weird is that Jenna’s new husband Steve Kazee posted an Instagram story with just HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH when the news broke of the Chansters’ breakup. And what’s your beef, dude? Nothing makes you look like more of a bitter a-hole than publicly commenting on your current wife’s ex-husband’s love life. Boy, that’s a mouthful. How embarrassing for this nerd. Pretty sure him and Jenna have two kids together so he can’t be all that happy if he’s concerning himself with Channing. If he should be throwing shade at anyone, maybe direct it at your wife who dragged out a divorce with Channing for like 6 years because she wanted more money. Yeah, that’s right, I said it!

And every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Or in this case, every time a ring is returned, another couple gets it. That made me laugh out loud picturing Channing passing Zoe’s returned ring off to Shaun White. If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m here mostly to entertain myself. Shaun and Nina, a couple that has been very public in their cuteness decided to take the next step. Again, they’re not really a couple I ride hard for, but they seem like fun times, plus this proposal looks very fairytale chic, so CONGRATS BB’S!

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3. Dragging Shawn Mendes Out of the Closet.

For whatever reason, goss-hounds (not me, but the TMZ’s of the world) have been obsessed with outing Shawn Mendes basically forever. I feel like every few years I see headlines about Shawn’s sexuality. Recently it was all about his lil love triangle between Sabrina Carpenter and Camila Cabello because he apparently had quite an overlap with the two at Coachella and everyone was like ew, what a douchenozzle. And now everyone is like IS HE GAY? Um, pick a lane? Also…why do we care? He lives a pretty quiet life and honestly doesn’t even tour or put out music much anymore, I honestly thought he had retired from the biz. So apparently it got to the point where he felt he needed to speak on it at a show this week and I’m sorry but everyone owes this poor dude an apology because he seems down bad and feeling like he needs to talk about which gender he likes to smooch onstage in a very public forum is all y’alls fault. The blood is on your hands. Not mine though because I’ve known for a fact he’s gay for six years now. I mean, you don’t get a butterfly bicep tat and call yourself hetero. Jus sayin. At the end of the day, love or bang whoever you want, Shawn, but it is OBJECTIVELY funny to be strumming a guitar as background music to you pouring out our heart and soul about such a personal topic. I couldn’t stop laughing watching this video clip.

4. Zach Bryan Stinks.

Honestly this is one of those niche “celebrity” breakups that I want to dissect with everyone around me but no one really cares so I get to do it HERE! And if you don’t care, you’ll still learn something new and have a topic for the next time you have a conversation with someone in their twenties because this breakup probably has a chokehold on them. Let me say up front that I don’t ROOT for people to break up, per say, but sometimes when you see someone is clearly a bad boy and the girl hasn’t figured it out yet, it’s KIIIIINDA satisfying when it all proves to be true. Here’s the back story: Zach Bryan is all the rage for like country/rock/folksie/outlaw/Springsteen type music. I honestly don’t know what to categorize him as and I don’t think anyone else does either. He writes a lot of gritty songs but they’re catchy AF and he’s really taken off the past couple of years and blown up, especially with the younger kids. Brianna Chickenfry is a Barstool personality, probably one of their most famous (and highest paid for being a young girlie). She’s known for finding her next boyfriend before the current one has been put out to pasture, and he’s known for going hot and heavy with a girl for about a year and then cutting her loose and writing an album about her. Of course when he does it, it’s art, when Taylor Swift does it, it’s whiny and oversharing and she’s boy crazy. INSERT EYE ROLL. Regardless, these two started dating a little over a year ago, and since Bri is an online personality/influencer, their relashe deets were shared often. They seemed all in, moving to Boston together and getting dogs together, etc. On his latest album, he wrote a song called 28 about how in love they are and girls all over the country swooned their faces off. I’m pretty sure she also got lyric “how lucky are we” tattooed on her. Well they headed to splitsville last week (privately) and then a day later, Zach announced it publicly on Instagram without giving her any heads up that he was going to take it public.

So she then had to react publicly and share that she was blindsided and was trying to just do what the girlies do when you’re fresh off of a breakup–sob on the couch and watch bad TV and wonder if anyone will ever like you again. Then of course as the days pass, more dirt gets dug up. Apparently he cheated on her, he was on the celeb dating app Raya either while they were still together or RIGHT as they broke up. And what do you know, the guy who has a pattern of doing exactly this with women, does exactly that. He’s already releasing snippets of songs he’s writing about their relationship. Is he a muse whore? Does he get women to fall in love with him so he can have experiences and memories to write about when he eventually drops the hammer? Sure seems like it. If I had to guess, Bri already has her next love of her life lined up, but I’ve been captivated by the deets as they roll out. You don’t listen to a love song about a couple and sigh and say I wish I had that and then not EAT UP every juicy tidbit when it turns out they’re just as toxic as Steven and Lucy on Tell Me Lies. According to Pres from Barstool, he never liked Zach and he was super controlling and jealous and insecure. SOUNDS LIKE A CHEATER TO ME! So, in short, no relationship is love-song worthy, Zach Bryan is a dirtbag, but I’m probably still going to listen to his music. Sue me.

5. In This House We Stan Kelsea Ballerini.

You hear about Taylor Swift every thirty seconds of every single day, but we don’t yap about Kelsea Ballerini as much and I think that needs to change. She’s also a very talented songwriter who uses real life and struggles to create relatable pop/country songs. She comes across as a very grateful, bubbly, somewhat NORMAL celeb aka she’s fun to follow on social media. AND after a very public divorce from fellow country singer Morgan Evans and lots of mudslinging through music, she’s lived out every girly’s fantasy and slid into John B’s DM’s and they seem to be thriving as a couple. This week she released new album Patterns (if you want a new chorus to scream sing from someone other than T.Swift smash play on Baggage, it’ll treat you right) and for the first time ever played Madison Square Garden, to a sold-out crowd. It was adorable and emotional and from clips I’ve seen on TikTok, she put on a hell of a show. There was a moment where she references her dog in a song off her last album, and this dog happens to currently have cancer, and she broke down, so the entire Garden finish the chorus for her while she sobbed. What a heartwarming moment.

@theconcertgirl
Not a dry eye at Madison Square Garden🥹🙏🏽🐶 @Kelsea Ballerini #kelseaballerini #patterns #madisonsquaregarden #kelseaballerinitok #kelseaballerinimsg #kelseaballeriniconcert #baggage #patternskelseaballerini #concerts #fyp #dibs #penthouse
♬ original sound – The Concert Girl ♥️

The album is great, there’s a song for everyone in there, and if you want to follow someone as they live their dreams and radiate positivity but clearly don’t take themselves too seriously, don’t sleep on Kels. Also, as if I couldn’t slobber over her anymore, her and Chase CRUSHED their coups costume for Halloween because of course.

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A post shared by Kelsea Ballerini (@kelseaballerini)

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Salty Stories

The Salty Ju Turns T E N!

Although it’s true I’ve been salty my whole life, today marks a decade of being salty in a permanent and very public forum. I’ve never once deleted a blog or retracted anything I’ve said, even when it was probably blatantly ill-informed or incorrect. And that my friends, is the beauty of the people’s internet. Say whateva ya want and keep it moving. Since I’ve made this milestone a BFD and hyped it up for several months and forced two celebrations down your throat, it only made sense to also memorialize it on the thing that we’re celebrating in the first place. So, humor me in this reflection/summary of 10 years of doing something…the longest I’ve ever done anything. Or don’t humor me and buzz all the way off, ‘CAUSE I DON’T EVEN WANT YOU READING MY BLOG IF YOU DON’T SUPPORT IT.

The Origin Story

Let me paint a picture of what ten years ago looked like for ya girl. I had moved to Boston in September of 2014. For a job? No. For a boy? That’s very rom-com adorbs, but also no. To get my masters degree at Harvard? HAHAHAHAHA. Nah. I did exactly one calendar year out of college, 8 months of that year living at home and working my first “corporate” job with my sister as my colleague and I said, that’s enough of that. So, I packed up a truck and hit up Allston Christmas, which by the way, was about as terrible as everyone says it is. Moving shit off of a truck on a tiny street with cars parked on either side while everyone else does the same exact thing is stressful AF. What was even more stressful was living off of my savings for the first month there with no job prospects. I’ve had so many hot flings with unemployment, it’s almost hard to keep track at this point but at 23 years old, this was my second or third and that’s already too many for being a fresh college grad. Also, this detail has nothing to do with my employment status, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I was skinny as hell when I moved to Beantown. Like, so skinny that I could wear a hard crop top that showed my belly button and pull it off. This was the last time I could do this. I peaked at 23. Which is also the age I lost my virginity. Coincidence? PROBS NOT.

Ok, back to professional speak now that you see how snatched my waist was. Luckily, I landed a temp gig doing admin work at Boston College and it was while I was doing mind-numbing data entry that I revisited the idea of a blog. To be perfectly honest, I was a HUGE Barstool Sports junkie and had read it every day since I had discovered it in 2009, relating the hardest to blogger KFC, who blogged at his full-time job as an accountant until they finally started making some money and he quit to go FT smut. He was my inspiration not only for his style of writing that was super conversational, but also sneaky blogging while getting paid by another company. He also followed me after I tweeted the below shout-out and clearly read some of my blogs or knew me well enough that when I went to a meet and greet after his comedy show in 2016, he goes IT’S THE SALTY JU and that made my LIFE. Didn’t get me a job. But a semi-famous internet persona knew who I was for a brief moment in time in the 2010’s and we’ll always have that.

I’d be lying if I said when I mulled this blog over that I didn’t have future goals of actually turning it into a job one day. At first I was aiming for the E! News, TMZ, Perez Hilton upper-echelon of celeb goss. I figured, if I ran my blog exactly like they did, that’s just a resume to submit if there was ever an opening for a writer. A few months in, I was setting my sights on Vulture or even Buzzfeed, really moving those goalposts from websites that draw a penis over Lindsay Lohan’s face or report a celeb death before the family is informed, to websites that write quizzes titled “choose a bunch of baby names and I’ll tell you which Disney Princess you are.” FOLKS, SHE IS GOAL ORIENTED.

Anyway, after polling everyone I’ve ever met and asking if they’d read a blog if I wrote it and of course feeling super insecure about it, while also wondering why the hell I chose to make a video for my capping project in college instead of a blog, which is perfect for me and EVERYONE else did it for an easy A… The Salty Ju was born. It certainly didn’t hurt that Taylor Swift dropped 1989, her much-anticipated foray from country into pop and I immediately had material to blab about. Realistically, you couldn’t stop me from blabbing those first few months of blogging. It was like a dam had broken and my 23 years of opinions NEEDED to be released in long-form blog or I would be killed by the Boston strangler. It also set the precedent for me to create Taylor content for every move she made. Something I’ve very much cooled off on, but those eras are forever sealed into the interwebs, which honestly is fine because in comparison to what her fans do now, I was tame.

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If I may, I’d like to really detail how into this blog I got, and how much I assumed it would bring me a blossoming writing career. I started by unloading years of pop culture takes like dissecting what the Olsen Twins wore in the 90’s (my second most viewed blog of all time.) Pre-Internet content was a gold mine for me in the wee Salty Ju days. Then, I was inspired by another writer I had been following, Julie Klausner, a Housewives recap writer for Vulture. I thought, I watch a TON of TV. I could do that too! I started by recapping Real Housewives of Beverly Hills–just like her, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Then, all of my college roomies had been obsessed with The Bachelor and urged me to start watching so I could blog that, too. Didn’t have to ask me twice! My very first season of The Bachelor was Chris Soules in 2015. Being a fresh set of eyes to the Bach universe made me the perfect candidate for recapping because I was gleefully entertained by every trope and had not yet realized every season is exactly the same. Once I was hooked on that, I also added in the network shows I was watching at the time like Nashville or Empire. That’s how I found myself watching TV almost every night with a notebook taking notes, then going into work the next morning and immediately typing out a recap to be posted by 9am the day after a show aired. I reasoned that all of the big pubs make sure recaps are posted by the time you start work the next day (so people like me can read it at their desk.) If you’re a part of Bach Nation, you know that they LOVE a 2 or 3 hour episode. There were some Monday nights where I was staying up until midnight to get as much pre-written as possible so I could still get it published first thing the next morning.

An example of the hard-hitting notes I was taking. Thank God I saved these precious words all these years.

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON AWARDS SHOWS! Realizing I could turn two blogs from one awards show in a red carpet AND a recap, I was doing the most. I’d be sorting through hundreds of red carpet photos while watching the show, taking notes for a recap, AND live tweeting. In the early Twitter days, EVERYONE was talking about the show in real time. Accounts were letting comedians and writers do “takeovers” to give their commentary and obviously, I thought this was my moment to shine. I literally get exhausted thinking of how much I was working on a Sunday night fo free. I feel like this is a nice time to remind everyone *once again* that I have never made a dime off of this blog, nor have I ever been offered any sort of opportunity from it. Instead, I pay an annual fee for the domain and WordPress hosting just simply for this space to exist. But sure, let’s give kids millions of dollars to make ‘get ready with me’ videos on TikTok. 🙄

The Evolution

Now that we’ve established I’m the type of person who has put more time and effort into this website for 10 years than she has into any of her paying jobs combined, I think it’s suffice to say, this blog is incredibly important to me and has been a MASSIVE part of my adulthood. Of course, if this WAS a paying job, I’d probably grow to resent it and lose the spark I’ve managed to keep for this long. I write about exactly what I want to write about, no word count (clearly), no editorial feedback. And if someone reads and likes it, GREAT. And if not, I can remain blissfully unaware that no one likes what I wrote. Unless, like the commenters on my running errands during the workday humor piece, y’all are a bunch of dicks and comment that you hate what I wrote. Thankfully, my salties have only been positive commenters through the years and I truly appreciate that.

Since The Salty Ju’s inception, I’ve had 17 different jobs – honestly, it’s possible that number is higher because even I lose track of how many FT and PT gigs I’ve bounced through in the last ten years. That being said, I’m sure this blog has also cost me job opportunities. If I had a nickel for every time I said “it’s a very specific type of humor and it’s not for everyone,” I’d be able to pay for this domain for the next 10 years. I wear the logo on my sleeve (jean jacket). I changed all of my social media handles to The Salty Ju and at some point came to accept the fact that this isn’t a heightened version of myself for entertainment, it’s really just me. I am the Salty Ju and she is me. I put my actual personality out there for all to see and judge in every snarky blog. Which can work in my favor, like when the only boyfriend I’ve ever snagged supposedly started reading my blog long before we began our courtship, and it became a way for us to flirt and compare notes on classic 90’s flicks in our early dating days. Tip to all future suitors, ya better be a fan of the blog cause it ain’t going anywhere and complimenting my writing is the fastest way to my heart. And let’s get real…in 2019 and 2020 when I was going through a breakup from said boyfriend, then quit my job and moved back home, then that sly minx of a pandemic hit to really solidify the suckfest that was my life, this blog became my lifeline.

Between actual therapy, and me sitting on the couch of my parents guest room every night until 2 am writing “diary” entries that would soon become chapters for a book and eventually “Salty Stories” on the blog, writing was the only thing that kept me moving forward. That year was when The Salty Ju evolved from bitching about People’s Sexiest Man Alive to talking about shitty things that were going on in my life that felt like the end of the world, and trying to make it entertaining enough for others to relate to and laugh at. And thank God for that, because if I hadn’t hit my rock bottom (800 different times), I wouldn’t have thrown every minute of my life into writing a book, which wouldn’t have led me to getting connected with the satire community, which wouldn’t have resulted in getting published on websites other than my own and I never would’ve started taking myself seriously and calling myself a comedy writer. I still mostly do it as a bit, because I have imposter syndrome, but if I may be so bold to put this in writing, my end goal out of this whole adventure is to eventually publish my book. How long will that take? Beats the hell out of me. One thing’s for sure, if I can stick with a blog for this long without turning a profit, and put up with people asking me if I’m Jewish every time I tell them the name AND spell it, I can keep working toward becoming a published author.

The Stats

I’ve always been a numbers nerd because I’m type A and I love the shit out of accomplishing things. That’s why I’ll tell you that in 10 years I’ve published 625 blogs. 200 of those blogs were posted in 2015 (I TOLD you I had a lot to say!) For comparison on just how nuts I really was, in 2023 I published 15 blogs. BIG DIFF. Also, I’m laughing at the stats that WordPress gives me. According to them, my most popular day was February 4, 2019 with 331 views, which is odd because I don’t even think I published a blog that day. And, I’ve had a total of 144,288 visitors. S/O to all of you for finding my corner of the internet either completely on accident, or on purpose. Even if it was to hate-read.

The Highlights

For newcomers, the OG crew, or anyone who can’t remember 625 blogs (ME), below are 10 sleeper picks that hold up, or are just so ridiculous and uniquely me. To be fair, when you blog about timely pop culture events or happenings, with many links to social posts or YouTube videos that inevitably get removed, not much ages well. So I’ve tried to avoid linking to those. One thing that never goes out of style? My annual Hallmark Holiday movie blog that I’ve done all 10 years.

Since I’ve put so much blood, sweat, tears, and diarrhea into this labor of love through the years, it’d be a missed opp not to toss one last promo of old material into the mix. My TV recaps can still be relevant in the binging era as people re-watch or discover old TV shows. So if you happen to dive into the perils of reality TV or BAD scripted music-themed dramas, please don’t forget to follow along with my episodic rants.

And lastly, I’ve curated several playlists to match literally any mood you ever might have. From throwbacks in rap, pop, and punk, to TV specific soundtracks, to summer paloozas, to breakup songs. These are playlists I still have in rotation on the reg, and some I even created weird hype videos to promote. I really will stop at nothing to be embarrassing. Regardless, these playlists are timeless and still slap, so if you have Spotify, check them out!

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The Kudos

AHright, I’m wrapping it up now, I swear. A couple months ago I took a sweatshirt to an event where a vendor does chain-stitching on the spot. I asked her to stitch The Salty Ju, because I can never have too much branded swag. Natch, I had to explain what that means and as I shared that it’s my 10 year old blog, she replied “oh, that’s cool that you’re still blogging, I remember back when it was big and I HAD to read my regular blogs every day.” Most people would let this backhanded compliment fly, but I’m not most people. *in Michael Jordan voice* And I took that personally. I thought she was being condescending AF telling me oh that’s cute you’ve hung onto a dying medium that absolutely no one cares about anymore. And I simmered on it until right now. She’s not wrong. Long-form writing was very much a fad that got WOMPED by the age of social media and audio/video content. Once people realized they could watch a 30 second video, or listen to a podcast while they did other shit, the blog pretty much died. RIP.

Leave it to me to join a trend at its downfall and then never let it out of my cold, dead hands. I DID consider other mediums many times. I attempted a podcast in 2018 and immeds started crying because I hated the sound of my voice. In 2020, I got way more into TikTok, unfortunately attempting dances 😬. I think we can all agree that ain’t me. Writing is what I like to do, and if that’s not cool then in the words of my sassy 7-year-old niece, WHO EVEN CARES?! What’s cool about this decade-long run is that people (you) still read what I have to say. Even if it’s just one person. Even if that one person is related to me and had a direct hand in bringing me onto this earth. HI MOM! 👋🏻 I write because it makes me feel better and if one person gets a case of the HAHA’s from it, that’s pretty awesome.

SO THANK YOU, READER! To my subscribers who get my ramblings delivered right to their inbox, GRAZIE MILLE. Even if those ramblings are delivered right to your spam folder. Still counts. To anyone who has commented or liked or reposted or interacted with any of my work at all on social media, MERCI. I see you, and you’re doing the lord’s work. The algorithm–especially on Facebook–is that the more interaction there is on a post, the longer it will live in a page’s feed and get resurfaced for new people to see. So every little bit helps for my quaint fanbase of Salties. Also, words of affirmation, though not my love language, gives me the warm fuzzies to keep writing. And of course, thank you to anyone who made an effort to celebrate this accomplishment with me IN PERSON in either New Jersey or Syracuse. Showing up to have a drink so I didn’t have to ring in this anniversary alone meant the world to me! If you didn’t make it, please know that you were swiftly added to the list of people who are dead to me. Last but certainly not least, to family and friends who have been a part of blogging fodder willingly or unwillingly, who have been forced to take countless obnoxious solo shots of me everywhere we go, who have been co-stars in my lil videos, who have had to edit writing or give feedback, I quite literally couldn’t have done it without ya. YOU DA REAL ONES.

My salty era is far from over. I’m gonna keep being publicly salty…and vulnerable, messy, self-deprecating, goofy, obnoxious, emotional, opinionated, sarcastic, and keep oversharing out loud for hopefully another decade. ❤️

Salty Stories

Table for One

I’m 33. I’m single. I live alone. I work remotely. And I’m not on the dating apps.

I’m not on the dating apps because I thought I would make my grand debut on Hinge with my 6 stunning photos and witty one-liner prompts and hot men would be falling all over themselves to message me, wondering how exactly such a catch is single. I’ve given Hinge three honest attempts now over the course of the last two years. Spoiler alert: that fantasy of cleaning up the moment I crack open the app never once came true. Instead, I was met with the creaturiest of creatures. Creaturiest isn’t even an adjective and yet I’ve made it one because there’s no other word that can adequately paint the picture of what lies in wait in online dating in the Central Jersey Shore region, age range 30-35. During my last dance with Hinge this past May, I got into a literal war of words with one candidate who couldn’t stop alternating between asking how my week was going or how my weekend was on repeat. At first, I was spitting my A game in sarcasm and hilarious convo starters…giving it the ole college try that this chump might loosen up and start to hold his own in the conversation. By week 2, I realized he only had one move and it was saying the week was crazy and asking how it went for me. And because I’m immature and think everything is fodder for a bit, I then got into a “how’s your week going-off” with this unsuspecting character. I was bloodthirsty for a battle of who could volley it back without actually saying anything of substance more and I wasn’t backing down. I wanted to win. It was clear we were stuck in a TGIF tornado and I wanted to be the last one standing in the eye of the storm. Unfortunately, I’m pretty confident I was talking to an actual robot and finally had to admit defeat. It was like IM’ing with Smarterchild. (s/o to my fellow millennial late-night AIM whores…idk how we can justify chatting with a bot, but I guess it was cool for that time.) Out of all of my fails on Hinge, giving up the “how was your week bit” and letting “Michael” win was my BIGGEST F. Here’s a snippet of ole Pete and Repeat’s robot moves, plus a lil bonus of what someone sent to me after just viewing my profile one time. He wanted to wear my skin to his birthday, obviously.

As you might be able to gather from that glimpse into sheer insanity, being on a dating app and genuinely thinking I’d find a husband from it was not doing great things for my mental health. I was obsessed with checking the app multiple times a day and was disappointed every time I did. I was coming from a place of desperation and the options at my fingertips were grim as hell and all of that made the perfect storm of plummeting my self-confidence and general hopefulness that I’ll ever snag a mans. I’ve come to learn that no one wants to be on that app and therefore has a real negative “this is a last resort” attitude from the jump. Also, men are TRASH at marketing themselves. It’s really not that hard to post some good pictures and be normal answering questions. Seeing the brown trout that I was reeling in on that app was genuinely making me feel like lake scum. I know I’m funny (you do too since you’re reading this right now.) I know I photograph well…or at least I hope so because otherwise the world is being absolutely PUNISHED by how many photos of myself I post on a regular basis. But you would think I’m Ursula with the responses I was getting. So taking all of that into account, I deleted Hinge and said I can find other ways to hurt my own feelings.

So that brings us to present day, where I’m very much not looking to be a lonely old spinster and would LOVE to find a partner, but I’m not subscribing to basically the ONLY method for dating in the year of our Lord 2024. The peanut gallery has told me that deleting the apps means I won’t meet anyone because apparently NO ONE EVER DATED OR GOT MARRIED BEFORE 2013. In my most recent therapy sesh, she urged me to think outside the box of other ways I could put myself out there and meet someone without re-dipping my toe into the cesspool of Hinge. And let me be clear, if you’re itching to make a suggestion and your suggestion includes any of the following cliches that make me want to hurl my body off of a cliff, pls refrain.

You’ll meet someone when you’re not even looking.
It’ll happen when you least expect it.
Trust the timing of your life.
Everyone has their own path.
Enjoy being single and do what you love and you’ll attract the right guy.
Don’t settle.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
Be open to new experiences.

Obviously, everything about my lifestyle is isolating and knowing that, I’ve always made an effort to get out and do things even if it means doing it alone so that I can meet people, connect, and socialize. It’s not always easy…in fact it’s usually pretty difficult to constantly be doing stuff alone when I’d rather be enjoying it with someone. But I’m not going to hide from life just because no one wants to date me, SO SUCK ON THAT. While many of my interests and activities lean more towards the girly groups (craft nights, biking, flower fields, reading Reese Witherspoon Book Club picks, etc.) I figured just existing outside of my home is upping my chances. I’ve tried to work from coffee shops, attend a group exercise class, hang at dog parks, go to the beach, and check out breweries by myself or with the dog. Realistically, my homegirl Charlee should be pulling in mad booty. She’s super cute and friendly as hell. And yet not one time has anyone under the age of 55 ever struck up a conversation with us in public. My dog park group is 85% retirees. On the rare occasion a male in his twenties to thirties shows up at the dog park, I often have to ask myself is this man actually attractive or is he just the only man here that isn’t wearing compression socks.

I even went so far as to taking myself out to dinner on a Saturday night this past summer because I figured no one else is wining and dining me so why not do it for myself. I biked to the local seafood joint, brought my own wine, clammed it up, and read my lil thriller. It was nice to get a change of scenery but I assure you I was surrounded by families all wondering if this was a choice or I got stood up. Since it was beautiful out and good food, the vibes were high and I was able to romanticize the shit out of this sad circumstance and act like I was the main character of an Elin Hilderbrand beach read and not like I couldn’t get a soul to buy me a crabcake.

Now the weather is getting chillier and we’re heading into my favorite seasonal depresh months where it’s dark all the time and the wind is always whipping. GR8! This is when I really need to force myself to go do things. And, of course, always conscious of saving money and not overspending, I’ve got to limit my excursions to live within my means. That’s why when half price sushi night came back at a local restaurant, I immediately thought this would be the perfect sitch to step out on the town solo for another date night. I obsessively checked their Instagram to make sure there was indeed a price cut. One thing about me, I will bend over backwards for a discount. I will die for a deal. Cheap date and proud of it, BB! I put on an adorable outfit, mascara (a rare occurrence these days), and took the 3 min drive downtown. I would’ve biked but the wind has already started it’s 8-month long F-U campaign against humanity. I debated bringing the book I’m reading but made a conscious choice to leave it at home. In my RomCom-saturated brain, I pictured sitting at the bar with no book or phone as a distraction, striking up a convo with another like-minded hottie open to sushi chats for the ultimate fishMEAT-cute.

I walked in, was greeted by the hostess, immediately asked if it was 1/2 price sushi night to be up front with my intentions. She said yes, I asked if I could sit at the bar to which she also gave me the affirmative, and then I did a hot lap of the bar and saw every spot taken with sushi in front of each individual and realized that every other Point Beach resident apparently had the same idea. Get a life, everyone. I hit up the hostess stand again and said I guess I need a table. She asked, “for one?” WOW, WHY DON’T YOU SHOUT THAT INTO A MEGAPHONE SO EVERYONE HERE KNOWS I’M EATING ALONE LIKE STEPHEN GLANSBERG. She then proceeded to sit me basically in her lap at the hostess stand. First high top table by the door, so either I’m getting knocked into by people entering and exiting, blown over by the gust of wind that hurls through every time the door opens, or confused for staff because I’m within touching distance of the hostess stand. GR8 SPOT, BABE! I take in my surroundings as I am facing the entire restaurant like I’m onstage at a freak show and see that there’s one TV in my sightline and it’s playing the YES network pre-game radio show. No sound. No captions. WHO THE HELL PLAYS A RADIO SHOW YOU CAN’T HEAR ON TV?! So I don’t have my book. I can’t feign interest in the TV because I’d literally be watching Michael Kay yap into a microphone without knowing what he’s actually saying. And every time I just look out into the room, I awkwardly catch eyes with someone and shit gets weird. You wanna yell at our generation for having our noses buried in our phones? WELL, WHAT OTHER CHOICE DO WE HAVE?

I sat staring into the abyss for an uncomfy amount of time. So much time that the hostess actually asked if someone had been over to take my order yet. I guess when you sit on the sidewalk it’s easy to be forgotten. Surprised someone didn’t ask me how long the wait was. One gentleman did ram his entire body into my table coming off of the bar too hot and had I gotten my drink yet, I would’ve been wearing it. No apologies were made because I had an invisibility cloak on, apparently. A guy finally comes over, takes my drink order and because I’m awkward I didn’t tell him I was ready to order too since I had a cool 45 mins with the menu to decide. Yep, you read that correctly, I’m so terrified of speaking up, that not disrupting the server ‘drinks then entree’ pattern is a fabulous example of how crippled I am by day-to-day interactions. Yet I’ll write an entire blog about one bad night and share all of my vulnerabilities on the world wide web. I AM a riddle, folks! But like, a fun one? I should save that tagline for the next time I’m forced to answer an online dating prompt.

Anyway, the server comes back and takes my order and I notice that there’s no verbiage on the menu about what counts for 1/2 price and what doesn’t, so I assume the whole menu is fair game. I order sashimi and rainbow roll. It comes out 5 mins later…the perks of eating skinned cold fish. In that time the radio on TV has switched to Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What a perfect dinner time show! I get to shove a roll in my mouth while humans get sliced and diced in front of my face. The ambiance is stunning. There’s two guys around my age sitting at the high top next to me putting away massive amounts of sushi and I have basically fallen out of my seat leaning to check if they have wedding rings. That’s how committed I was to still turning this night into a W. Then I saw a pretzel with cheese delivered to their table and almost puked in my mouth. Sushi and a pretzel? What are you two, serial killers?!

I delete my sushi at warp speed. TBH, it wasn’t even that good. I goofed and ordered sashimi thinking it was nigiri and was immediately disappointed when it was delivered sans rice. The rainbow roll was cut so big that I had more than one occasion where my mouth was so full I thought I was going to choke…let the records show I’ve never seen a bite too big…or the fish was flopping out of my mouth and I had to unattractively poke it back in with the chopsticks. I locked eyes with a staff member mid-cheeks full and overflowing with raw fish bite and she literally made a face of pity at me. It’s time for me to hit the road, Jack. I signaled for the check and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT, that baby shows FULL PRICE SUSHI. I call my nervous awkward bird of a server back over and say this is supposed to be half price. He magically produces a paper insert menu with HALF PRICE SUSHI in block letters at the top. He tells me that ironically, I ordered two things not included on that specialty menu. COLOR ME SHOCKED!

Natch this is the first time I’m seeing this menu, which leads me to believe the hostess had it out for me from the get-go, even before my dumpster table choice. She knew what I was here for and slipped that discount menu right on out with a sleight of hand. I’m nothing if not inappropriate, so I replied to my server, “well F me, right?!” He was certainly not expecting that response but he saw the “I’m cheap AF” glint in my eye and knew I wasn’t going down without a fight. He told me he’d go see if he could fix the bill. KthxbyEEEEEE! I’m not saying he’s the problem, because this was clearly hostess girl-on-girl crime, but if someone orders sushi on a half price sushi night, wouldn’t you take a beat to say, I don’t know if you know this but those aren’t included in the deal? I could either say, sure I’m rich, I don’t need to nickel and dime you for mid sush. Or what I would’ve said is YEAH, OBVIOUSLY I AM HERE ONLY FOR A DISSY, DUDE. WHICH ONES ARE THE CHEAPIES? Either way, he would’ve given me the option. Not really a crack team here.

He returns to the table, slides the bill over to me, and purrs, “I talked to some people and took care of it.” OH, OK PHIL! Did you just wink? Am I dating my server now? Did I get what I wanted after all? I’m kidding, Phil can’t handle me. I paid the bill and beat it out of there as fast as I could but not before noticing the bar was wide open when I left. Sometimes it doesn’t pay to be 33 trapped in a 65 year old’s body that will literally wither away if she doesn’t eat dinner at 5pm sharp. I live in an early bird special town and that doesn’t bode well for chair availability. I’d never survive in Boca.

As always, I relive this fail of a night on my drive home, already thinking about how I must blog another CLASSIC Salty Ju hopeful to a fault, fantasy-bursting, mediocre experience. I was already looking forward to ripping my bra off and getting into soft clothes and probably never leaving my home again. But NOPE, the universe had one more practical joke in store for me. In the form of a LITERAL practical joke. As I drive down the road leading to my neighborhood, I see teenagers up ahead in the middle of the road. Since I’m not looking to kill a child, I naturally slow down, which isn’t hard since the speed limit is already 25 and I’m barely crawling. That’s when I see two lil punks meet in the middle of the road, hold their hands out, and run back towards the edges where their stupid lil punk friends are waiting, iPhones out, flash on, cameras rolling. Since I’m hip to the Tok, I know exactly what they’re doing because I’ve seen it before while doom scrolling. It’s a “prank” kids do where they mime like they’re pulling a rope across the road, and then film drivers’ reactions. If I had to guess, your chance of getting an outraged reaction from a Jersey driver is about 8 million percent higher than anywhere else in the country. So these little shits are pretty smart. They get their Tok views from their dumbass high school buddies and a laugh.

NOT TONIGHT, BITCHES. I was a SECOND away from womping on the horn and screaming FUCK ALL THE WAY OFF out the window. A real R-rated version of old man yelling get off my lawn. KIDS THESE DAYS. Go back to ding dong ditching, ya fools. I’m so afraid for our future if this is what youths are doing for weeknight entertainment. What’s even more sad is that these f*ckfaces will end up making six figures from a post like that in the era of influencers as a career. I sped through and gave them a dirty look, which is my idea of confrontation. I also wished (in my head and through text) that one of them gets clipped. I’m not a monster, I don’t want a kid getting seriously injured but would LOVE a lil dust-up with a side mirror or something. Just enough to scare them straight.

Listen, I’d like to end this story with the fact that I’m never going out for solo bargain sushi again, or that I’m never going out again full stop. But we all know that’s not true. As long as I’m breathing I’m going to keep trying and then weaving a tale for the greater good when I end up mortified. In fact, If you’re a long-time listener, first time caller and this story rang a little familiar it’s because I told almost the same exact story after attending Taylor Swift Trivia. The only difference is that three years later I’m out looking for a man to dine with and not 22 year old friends who know what time Taylor Swift was born. That’s called growth, baby! So whatdya think? Should we continue the saga? Do I keep tabling for one and reporting back until I’m a skeleton? LMK.

Also, not a cry for help but kind of a cry for help…if you have any suggestions or know of any babe sodas interested, I’ve really had to kick the huzz hunt into high gear after finding a mouse living in my grill for the second time in the past three months. A grill that I use every single night. And let’s not forget about the Stuart Little that was cruising around in my glovebox last November. So, REALLY need a bruh to manage all of the rodents trying to infiltrate my life and punish me for merely existing. I am a beautiful princess but I’m not trying to be Cinderella out here kickin it with mice pals so there is an urgent need to fill this prince role by EOY. Pls inquire within. And don’t even think about asking me how my week is going.

JUice

Weekly JUice – Oct 4, 2024

1. A Montana Boyz Heartbreak.

I was going to blab about these two a few weeks back when I nearly cringed out of my skin listening to them interact and talk about their sex life on a “truth or drink” podcast episode. The universe gave me a second chance to pop off because after 7 months, they are DUNZO. It was laugh out loud funny back in the spring when Kristin debuted her new relashe with a fresh outta college TikTok star. It was even funnier when every time Kristin opened her mouth on her pod (I’m an avid listener, obv) she was slobbering all over how hot this man is. Take another look at the photo above. This guy is a Frankenstein double. The girth of his head and surface area of his forehead gives Julia Stiles a run for her money. I imagine this is why he’s typically wearing a giant hat, trying desperately to cover up that five head. What’s certainly not doing him any favors is his mullet. Not just any ole mullet, but a mullet with blonde highlights…

I’m sorry but Kristin is a smokeshow. She’s in her late thirties and she looks better than ever. I couldn’t for a second fathom why she was dating this block head who rose to TikTok stardom from LIP SYNCING country songs. Nope, that’s it. That’s what made him and his boyz go viral. They stand in a line and rotate mouthing the words. I really wanted to be in the camp of supporters that were like GOOD FOR HER! DATE A YOUNG HOTTIE AND HAVE SOME FUN! Except that her ex-husband was a million times hotter than this chooch. So I waited. I waited while she gushed over how he’s different than other guys because he’s not threatened by her job. And he gets her flowers. And he tells her she’s really pretty. (Gotta know what creatures Kristin has been dating that telling her she’s pretty means marriage material.) I waited while they seemed to cross the threshold of “should I have more kids for this guy who is still pretty much a kid himself?” And then the last straw was their podcast together where he barely uttered full sentences but one of them was “you’re the best sex I’ve ever had.” And she replied “omg I am?! you’ve never told me that!!” BABE HE’S 24. THAT IS NOT A LOT TO COMPARE TO.

Rumors hit the tabs on Friday that they split, but I wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth and I didn’t have to wait long because she let it slip at a live show Friday night and then told everyone to keep it quiet until her podcast episode dropped Tuesday with the news. YA right. TikTok LIT up with clips. I made her pod appt TV Tuesday morning… I mean, I literally watched it on YouTube frothing for the goss. And of course, there wasn’t any. She had nothing but nice things to say about this big ooga booga dum dum kid from Montana. She said he was the best boyfriend she ever had, best relationship she’s ever been in, has zero regrets, but ultimately the age difference was just not going to work long-term. For any girlies who watched The Idea of You, it was that without the popstar aspect. She realized she’d be ruining his life by keeping him so she released him back into the world to be a kid who just graduated from college and makes TikTok videos and not a stepdad and a purse holder of a successful woman nearing her forties. And who knows, maybe just like that movie (spoiler alert) this little puppy comes crawling back after he’s done plowing through all the single chicks in Nashville and is ready to settle down. But I’m guessing Kristin will be snatched up pretty soon. I’m just glad she came to her senses and shut it down. As for the Montana Boyz, they’ll start filming a reality show soon so get ready for these dummies to hit the big screen–something literally none of us ever asked for.

@montana.boyz
Head in a mess!! #fyp #montanaboyz
♬ One Number Away – Luke Combs

2. Grandpa Slim.

You’ve gotta have a heart of stone not to tear up at this. Eminem, big ole tough guy rapper, has always been a softie for his daughter. Pretty cool for someone from his background with the issues he’s had to have a kid at 23, raise her to be a normal human and still have a great relationship with her. He’s still putting out new music and hasn’t retired from the rap game yet and now he’s going to be Grandpa Slim. More importantly, he was already embracing the style of a geriatric prior to his daughter even getting preggers so he should slide into this role seamlessly if he keeps putting these honkers on his face in order to see words.

3. Ellen Didn’t Enjoy Being Cancelled.

Not fresh news, but what can I say it’s a slow week. Ellen made her “comeback” with a Netflix comedy special where she addresses getting cancelled and disappearing for a few years. I have never ONE TIME wondered what Ellen was up to in the past few years or wondered what she had to say. Truly. My mom was a big Ellen stan back in her heyday. Used to dance with her in the kitchen. Thought she was hysterical. Then started to fall off because you can only be obsessed with a white woman dancing over her coffee table for so many years before the schtick is old. Back in my college intern days, I heard many fellow slaves tell me that they’ve either experienced firsthand or heard through the Hollywood grapevine that Ellen’s a huge dick and sucks to work for. And obviously that was her downfall. She was investigated and the court of public opinion said GTFO of here, ya meanie! There’s nothing I hate more than a fake bitch and someone who built an entire empire on kindness actually being a total f*cking twat deserves to lose said career. Which of course, she didn’t. She’s still getting paid probably the big bucks to do a special and she’ll continue to wah-wah about this. Her special addresses the therapy she had to go through because everyone hated her. And yet her special doesn’t address AN APOLOGY. Any ownership. Really any sort of recognition that she does indeed suck, and was terrible to her employees and actually isn’t really a nice person at all. So how about we NOT reward this bad behavior and lazy, shitty jokes, and let her fade back into oblivion. She had her moment. It’s time to say bye bye to Ellen. Step over that coffee table and dance right off the stage, beb.

4. Everybody Wants This.

Everyone’s all about the new Netflix Rom-Com Series “Nobody Wants This” and it’s worth the hype. Kristen Bell and Adam Brody are drumming up all of the millennial nostalgia (really mostly Adam Brody) with a funny, emotionally mature take on a love story. Quick synopsis: Joanne and her sister Morgan have a podcast about their dating/sex life that I wish was a real life pod because these two are hysterical togets but obviously never funnier than my sister and I are…and Noah is a rabbi. Noah and Joanne have a meet-cute at a mutual friend’s dinner party and the rest of the series follows their courtship in 10 half-hour episodes that really fly by. They face the possibility of head Jew and a non-Jew being together with all of the side storylines and quirks of their families and friends sprinkled in. It’s adorbs and most importantly, it’s the most emotionally available (what’s that like?) male lead I’ve ever seen. It should come as no shock that the boy who made Seth Cohen a nerdy, sarcastic 2000’s heartthrob, grew up to be a hot funny rabbi who can handle some tough feelings talks.

Girls everywhere (me) are pining to date this fictional character, even if we don’t know how old he is. (That’s my only gripe with this show…they don’t speak of age but Kristen and Adam are clearly in their forties, and LOOK like they’re in their forties, and yet I think they’re supposed to be playing early thirties…real stretch here. Not even botox can make us believe that.) But seriously though, this moment below in itself (spoiler alert but actually not really a spoiler because there’s no context at all to it) is better than porn for girls. For any girl who’s ever been told she’s too much (me, me, me, me, me) this character and the hope that he exists in the real world and not just in a script will heal you.

5. YA GOTTA BELIEVE!

The New York Metropolitans are in the NLDS for the first time since 2015 and the week I finally snagged a glam shot with the Mrs. (and partied with the whole gang) was the week they turned their entire season around and started winning like nobody’s biz. Coincidence? I think not. You may be wondering, ok but how does this count as celebrity news and to that I say, HOW DARE YOU NOT CONSIDER MRS. MET A CELEBRITY?! You better hope Mr. Met didn’t hear you besmirching her good name so he doesn’t have to go all Will Smith and tell you to keep his wife’s name OUTCHA MOUTH. Sorry not sorry, I’m PUMPED. I’ve been watching hype videos since the dubb last night and I’m ready to run through a brick wall and also salsa my face off to OMG! PS my lifelong diehard Mets fan of an ex-boyf declared the season was over in May, refusing to watch games for an entire month and therefore he does not deserve to celebrate this sweet, sweet victory of a team that literally will not quit and keeps coming back for more. In May I said, it’s only May, don’t be so dramatic. AND GUESS WHO WAS RIGHT. Apparently some of us lack the full spectrum of human emotions and therefore just don’t know how to BELIEVE. CUE THE MOTHAFUCKIN MUSIC! (Sorry for cursing, dad, but let me have this one cause I’m FIRED ALL THE WAY UP.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice – Sept 27, 2024

I know how ridiculous of me it was to be like the JUIce is back, bitches! And then immediately take a week off. In my defense, I had planned on doing one last week but then I came back from NYC on Thursday and had fresh guests arriving Friday at noon. So realistically, my social calendar didn’t allow for it. And I actually was bummed because it seems like now that I’m JUicing again, the celeb headlines are coming hot & heavy. So forgive me if I dip into last week’s news as well, or report on some ongoing goss because I’m literally bursting with opinions.

1. N*SYNC IS SO BACK.

If you know me off the blog, you know I’ve been rumbling about this for an entire year now. Refer to this tweet for proof:

Is my dad forever a #GirlDad of boyband crazy teens or forever being shamed for the time he got us tickets to the N*SYNC celebrity tour then took them away from us for “bad behavior” and took my oldest sister and her two stupid friends instead. Dad, if you’re reading this, you can make it up to me and Nikki by emptying your life savings into tix to this tour and a M&G. Put that Amex to WERK. (Let the records show that we berated him back then too and he did eventually buy another round of tickets but THAT MEANS MY OLDEST SISTER GOT TO SEE THEM TWICE AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN REALLY LIKE THEM.) #NEVERFORGET.

AnYwAy…a year ago TikTok was buzzin with an N*SYNC reunion…then in total breadcrumbing style they stretched it out all year long. In September we got the first N*SYNC tune in FOREVA called Better Place. INSTANT banger but also made for a Trolls movie. Then JT releases new music and announces an album. Album drops in March and there’s another N*SYNC song on it. It kinda sucks. It’s slow and about being old but still being gr8. It’s certainly no “Gone.” Then in promo for his album and pending tour, they reunite onstage for one of his private free ticket pop-up shows in LA. Not for nothing, but I tried to get ticcies to his show in NYC and I’m fully convinced the tickets were exclusively for rich people and Tok influencers because he just wanted buzz for his first album in 6 years. The album sucks…go figure. The N*SYNC chatter dies down because JT has taken center stage as a solo act again and just used them as a gimmick and to tease people. Karma came back around for that selfish lil bitch when he caught a DUI in the Hamptons. Luckily for me, he gave me “this is totally going to ruin the world tour,” which I freely used at every minor inconvenience all summer long. It didn’t ruin the tour…his shit album probably did. But never doubt the powers of a famous person, he got off with only one request: issue a public apology. This was his “apology” where he no less than 10 times not so subtly referenced only having one drink, making it seem like he was unjustly charged. Mmk, babe. Cut to this week, where Lance is verbally confirming to every news outlet that they’re working on something.

EVERYONE BE COOL. It’s happening. And honestly not a minute too soon because I just recently saw JC in a Meow Mix commercial and Chris Kirkpatrick has been emcee’ing 90’s pop tours with reject boy banders at deserted shopping malls. When I alerted my sister to the breaking news, she immediately crushed my dreams by stating the obvious…these tickets will be harder to obtain than The Eras Tour. And as someone who lost years of her life trying to go to the Eras Tour, that’s NOT music to my dang dong ears. Also, clearly a pub stunt for JT who continues to look like a selfish dick over and over again. Honestly, not even mad about that but if Ticketmaster fucks this up, THIS IS TOTALLY GOING TO RUIN THE WORLD TOUR.

2. Diddy Down.

I almost yapped about this in my JUice comeback a couple weeks ago but honestly thought he’d get away with it again and didn’t want to draw any more attention to a rich dirtbag who will continue to be a rich dirtbag. But boy am I glad I waited because the jig is up, Puff. Last week Diddy was charged with racketeering conspiracy, sex trafficking, and transportation to engage in prostitution. He was peddling his typical “this is all false and people are just accusing me because they’re seeking money or fame” BS. And then BAM, he gets indicted and tossed in the slammer without bail until the hearing. HALLELUJAH! Let him ROT. Last spring is when the wheels started to really fall off for Diddy. After SEVERAL accusations and court cases of abuse that he seemed to shake off, an investigation from the feds started, he beat it out of the country and then his house was being raided. TONS of videos resurfaced of him being generally creepy and odd “we’ve just taken in this teenager into our family who has perfectly good parents but now she’s in our family” announcements from the past. The grand finale was a video of him beating the absolute snot out of Cassie in a hotel hallway from 2016. Cassie was his girlfriend for 11 years (and a singer on his label) who had also taken him to court for abuse in 2023 and as Diddy does, he denied it all and got away scot-free and this tape didn’t see the light of day until now. From what I’m gathering via the clips that I saw and interviews with other singers, it is a well-known secret that Diddy is an absolute scumbag and always has been. He doesn’t discriminate on gender, he’ll sexually assault anyone he feels like, and everyone for years has just let it happen and been like ope that’s just Puffy…his parties are crazy!!

So obviously, F this guy and anyone who looked the other way or joined in on his crimes like most of his staff did. The raid of his house in March resulted in the feds finding guns, drugs, and more than 1,000 bottles of lube. MORE THAN ONE THOUSAND BOTTLES. Honestly that alone is proof that he’s raping errebody. You lube up for butt stuff or when the recipient IS NOT A WILLING PARTICIPANT (or they’re a dried up ole cactus, but let’s be real here, that’s not on the table with a famous rapper.) His lawyer claims he had that much lube because American’s buy in bulk…I’ll just let that sit there. Costco has already made a statement that they don’t sell baby oil. Anywho, the second Diddy realized they weren’t wavering and letting him out on bail, he was put on suicide watch because of course. And my favorite two cents, Suge Knight made a statement that someone will probably hurt Diddy in prison “to make a name for themself.” Thank God he spoke out because I was really DYING for a murderer’s opinion on a serial rapist and sex trafficker. One can only hope another prisoner gives Diddy a taste of his own medicine. Keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn’t weasel his way into an innocent ruling from this trial and that the music industry creeps start falling like dominoes in a revival of #MeToo. PS: items 1 & 2 colliding 😮

3. Tree Hill Divided.

*NICHE* audience alert. If you didn’t watch 9 seasons of this teen soap, you’re not gonna give an F about this dramz. Unless, like me, you gobble up any sort of drama even if you know nothing about it. In which case, I’ll give you the cliff-notes of this tea to catch you up to speed. One Tree Hill was a teen show in the age of The OC and Gossip Girl where high school meant pregnancies and shootings and banging your teacher. As previously reported by The Salty Ju, One Tree Hill was the first show to band together and do a takedown of their creator in the #MeToo era. They outed Marc Schwann for not only being an inappropriate and abusive pig, but also for pitting them all against each other and creating a feeling on set that it was every WOman for ~~him~~HERself. In an effort to take back the show, the three leads created a re-watch podcast a few years back and they’ve been podcasting each episode, serving BTS goss that further implicates the gross environment happening while they filmed. It’s juicy and obviously I haven’t missed an epi. Well, all was grand with that until this past year when it became very clear that Hilarie Burton and Bethany Joy were beefing. Some snarky things were posted, social media accounts were blocked, and podcast episodes were starting to miss one or the other until July when it was announced that Hilarie was off the pod and Robert Buckley would be taking her place. On a podcast called Drama Queens, which has been HEAVILY feminist and “take back our sisterhood, f*ck the man” vibes. Listeners were like WTF, rightfully so. And right around when that happened, news dropped of an OTH reboot in the works at Netflix led by none other than Sophia Bush, Hilarie Burton, Danneel Harris, & Bevin Prince.

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And it became VERY clear that this “inclusive” remake was actually just the girls who are still besties working on something and leaving out who they don’t want around. Joy has had no association with this announcement, hasn’t commented on anything, and it’s become glaringly obvious that they mean girled her out of it. I mean, Sophia is on a weekly podcast with her and cut her out of the deal. That’s some bullshit right there. A few weeks went by and Chad Michael Murray confirmed he’s not involved (not shocking considering him and Sophia rarely cross paths if they can help it.) Then Joy teased an announcement and it ended up being an interview/reunion with James for her magazine that she apparently has. And this week they each gave interviews saying they know nothing about this reboot AKA they weren’t invited. This past week we got another glimpse of the house divided when Shantel VanSanten (Quinn) gave a podcast interview where she said she heard about the reboot in the news along with everyone else and would only consider participating “if it was about fairness and inclusivity.” BAM. Real rich of Hilarie and Sophia to be on their high horses parading through the streets for women’s rights and being treated with kindness and it turns out they’re just a couple of bullies. Hilarie also gave an interview this week and said, “What I can say is that this go-around, being able to work with a team of women and look at these stories [and] these characters through a female lens is something that — whether I was doing a reboot or a brand-new show or a different movie at this phase in my life, female teamwork is something that is so vital to me,” Burton said. “It is the core of anything I’ve done that’s successful. So I’m excited to be able to team up with people that I look up to, people that I love dearly.” If I was Joy I’d be middle fingers up posting a takedown of this bullshit.

To further hammer the point home, there was a big reunion convention this past weekend and Sophia only posted pictures with the same cast members, Danneel wore a blinged belt that said producer (as she’s an EP with Sophia and Hilarie on the reboot) and Joy and James were nowhere to be found in any of their postings. Not putting out inclusive vibes, GIRLEEZZEEEE!

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4. Child Star.

I did the Lord’s work and watched this so you don’t have to. It was a SUPER random mixture of child stars, half of whom I’ve never felt the need to hear from again, and here are some of my hard-hitting thoughts in bullet form (because of course I took notes.)

Before we get into the movie, I have a bone to pick with Hulu, who just sent a casual alert that they’ll be raising their price, who I already pay $80 a month to for live TV, and we can’t get through a feature film without them serving me 100 commercials. THAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.
Onto my overall hot take on this film…it doesn’t know what it wants to be. Demi clearly wanted to talk about her own life and story…which she’s done now in 2 separate docs so it really wasn’t necessary, and she definitely wants to promote her new music, but she’s doing it under the guise of interviewing other child stars. We really didn’t need her hands in this because then we could’ve heard these other stars stories without Demi overshadowing or one-upping their trauma. When Kenan and Raven are like yikes, bitch your life was crazy, you know it’s time to stop putting your two cents in and let them just share their truths. On top of this weird ‘she’s interviewing people while also being interviewed back by them’ dynamic, there’s parts about legislation and appearances from reporters and people lobbying for rights and flashbacks to Shirley Temple and more than once I was like what are we watching here? Pick a story to tell.
Kenan wore sunglasses for his entire interview and it was suuuuuuuch a douche move.
Drew Barrymore used to get high at 10 with her mom’s friend. Coming from someone who has never gotten high, I quite literally gasped at that.
JoJo Siwa posts 250-300 posts a day on Snapchat. I mean…💀💀💀
It felt a little tacky to be skirting the entire topic of abuse of child actors hot off the heels of that Nickelodeon doc. Sure, they all (except Kenan) brushed upon struggles that they had with addiction or eating disorders, but now that we’ve seen how Nick was operating at that time–which btw Kenan claims he never witnessed, I have to imagine Disney had similarities and to not touch on that was odd.
The credits rolled, I saw Scooter Braun was a producer and I shouted OH FUCK THIS on my couch to no one. Discredited the whole thing.

Guh’ head and skip this one…but NGL, the Demi song slapped, as her music always does.

5. ARE YA IN OR ARE YA OUT, JEN?!

Again, a carry-over from last week, but still on-going news. Ben and Jen were out in Hollywood and although they looked like they wanted to murder each other in paps photos as they always do, many sources reported them canoodling inside all day long. And it’s like FIGURE IT OUT, GUYS. Are you going to keep peddling this fate brought us back together love story? Or are you going to be real (LISTEN TO YOUR OWN LYRICS, JLO) and admit the reunion was fun for like 6 months of banging and then you realized you’re wildly incompatible. Ben wants to stay out of the spotlight, rip ciggs and mainline Dunks. Jen wants attention 24/7 and will literally never stop grinding in movies and music. THE JIG IS UP. This past week Jenny from the Block uploaded a selfie with a necklace that says Ben and it was immediately taken down like OOPSIE that wasn’t supposed to be posted! OK WELL ARE YOU TWO GETTING DIVORCED OR NAH? Cut the shit.

BONUS: Hoda announced she’s leaving the Today Show

Apparently everyone on the show was shocked by this news, but an article mentioned that her daughter has some health problems and it kinda seems like a no brainer that as a single mom, she’s spending QT with her kids, especially if one needs more attention. She’s an icon, and I used to love the Hoda & Kathie Lee era of guzzlin wine and babbling nonsense. I find Jenna Bush Hager to be incredibly screechy, so can’t say I’ve dabbled since Kath left, but Hodesters will be missed. Also an excuse to post one of my favorite SNL repeating sketches that was honestly v accurate of how KLG and Hodes interacted on the daily.

Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2024

I spent Thursday through Sunday alternating between pool and beach soaking up peak summer sunshine because may I remind you, summer does not *officially* end until September 21st and it felt a little jarring to be thrown back into awards season. I’d like to petition the Emmys to move to later in the month. I’m not ready for it yet. It’s too soon. So please accept this rusty re-initiation into red carpet season with a promise that it will get better. Luckily for us all, I’ll have some time to properly adjust and regulate my seasonal moods before we really start gaining steam in the colder months when there’s nothing else to wake up for.

WORST

It physically pains me to put Connie with the Good Hair on the worst dressed list but this gown is TERRIBLE.

This pattern is way too busy. It definitely looked better on TV than it does up close in a still photo, but literally looking at it right now is giving me a headache. If I may, the compliment bread to this insult is her leg looks amazing and her dark pedi is ALMOST making me want to go back to the days when I Lincoln Park After Dark’ed my fingers and toes the second the calendar changed to September.

A literal knight in full armor would take one look at this getup and be like wtf are you wearing? Why would you give an optical illusion that you have BOTH linebacker shoulders and a FUPA the size of the Liberty Bell?

Ma’am. Someone ripped a curtain off of the rod and fastened it around your neck. You cannot convince me otherwise.

It’s giving creepy doll that came to life. What was that horror movie last year? Megan? That was Brie’s inspiration for this look. I understand dressing like a 5 year old is making a comeback with bow culture, but pairing a bow with a cupcake tiered tulle is a scooch TOO toddlers & tiaras.

REEBZ. HOLY MULLET. Imagine not realizing your updo gives you biz in the front, party in the back on accident? Yoikes. Also this reflectively busy emerald pantsuit is A CHOICE. A single mom who works too hard, who loves her kids and never stops deserves better.

Bad color, bad Edward Scissorhands hack job at the bottom of the gown, and I’m sorry to h8 my own kind, but what’s the happs with these curls? Alright that felt like a step too far. I take it back. Mostly because I don’t want bad curl karma. I’ve had curly hair for 33 years and I still don’t know how to properly style it. So instead I’ll say, what’s your routine, Juno? Those curls are CURLIN.

STOP GIVING YOURSELVES POINTY SHOULDERS OR I’LL COME OUT THERE AND POKE YOU REPEATEDLY UNTIL YOU STOP.

I feel like I would’ve liked this gown better without the flowers. But also, logistically speaking, how does one walk in this cocoon? Her foot is FIGHTING FOR ITS LIFE to pop out and show off those shoes.

Maybe if she wasn’t busy playing rugby while she was in Paris last month she would’ve known that the fashion capital of the world would DRAG HER for wearing PEPLUM on a red carpet. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

What’s with the boog sash, Leese?

I’m so confused by this “dress” but I know drapes when I see them. We as a society need to stop encouraging curtains as formalwear.

I don’t know if I just haven’t seen Kathy Bates since she guest-starred on The Office 10 years ago or what, but she lost a shit-ton of weight. Good for her! Here’s my bone to pick. That hairstyle ages her at least 1600 years. The pulled back bouffant is exclusively for ancient women in the 1400’s and if she wore her hair in literally any other way, she would’ve looked like a stone-cold stunna.

This obviously isn’t the VMA’s where people dress for shock value, so you’ll notice that instead of being disgusted and putting someone on the worst dressed list to publicly shame them, I have a lot of far less dramatic: “not quite hitting for me” commentary. And that’s exactly what this is. She doesn’t look bad by any means, but I’ve seen her crush it with much bolder outfits so this is real snoozy.

Well now we’re quickly back to publicly shaming because this shirt should be a costume for a flamenco dancer and nothing else. Also, some of the hardest flares I’ve ever seen. Nearly JNCO’s. Clean it up.

I cannot get past this chunky pendant. The dress is whatever but what the hell is going on with that sorcerer’s stone hanging round her gullet? Does it hold evil powers?

What an odd style for a black-tie event. Very fall, but also what your aunt might wear to brunch. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen someone wear a boot to an awards show, other than country awards of course.

We get it, you lift.

A buttoned peplum IS STILL A PEPLUM.

Could honestly flip flop either way on this but the more that I dwell on the top of this dress, the more I feel like it looks like a piece of macaroni.

It’s like the one man show that sings the male and female parts by turning sides.

This is very casino-esque and more in an Atlantic City way rather than Vegas way, if you catch my drift. It’s just so loud and bright and I feel like there could’ve been better options to make her stand out but not look tacky. That being said, glad she got her first W amongst Hollywood elite nominees. Suck it, Meryl.

I don’t know that the Emmys are the event for a Jessica Rabbit va-va-voom gown. Came in a little hot with this one.

Never like to put a host on the worst dressed list but I’ve done far more cutthroat things in red carpets past. This shirt evokes so many feelings and none of them are positive. The halfsie turtleneck is so perplexing. Why not do a full wrap-around collar. It’s like vampire if the vampire is only shy about showing half of his face. It’s like if you stuck your napkin in your top button but a strong gust blew it up. It’s like you put a hoodie on sideways. It’s like RAAAAIIII-AYE-ANEEEEEEEE on your wedding day. Just kidding. But seriously what was the point of that Shakespearean neck decor.

Top half is politician and bottom half is hideous. Let’s just fasten it all together with a white bow why don’t we! Also, white pointy pumps?! Are those coming back too? What a joy to watch some of the worst trends of each generation coming out to play this year.

BEST

We’ll allow it because Alan is actually Scottish and therefore can wear traditional outfits from his country and be seen as cool and cultured rather than trying to make Christmas happen 3 months early.

Love the black widow to the baby blue.

BARBARA JEAN MAKING A COMEBACK WITH BIG HAIR AND A CAPE! GET IT GURL.

This photo made me cream my jeans. The tinted shades, the chesties, the cocky pose. Nailed it.

Elegant with a little peekaboo pizazz!

Whether in undies on a billboard or a classic black tux, that smolder will melt panties.

Oh ok, Meryl with your cotton candy suit. Go off.

Feathers are so F-U cocky, I love it. Especially in this soft pink. Also omg am I seeing double?! BITCH STOLE MY LOOK ON A RED CARPET?!

REESE!!! Always in a plain primary color dress with the same straight hair, I’m living for this breath of fresh air for her. Love the embroidered florals and top knot!

Hot damn, Diane! It’s like the first time I straightened my hair in 6th grade and looked like a brand new person. Or I guess, a slightly less frizzy version head accented by watermelon-colored braces. I feel like Diane is often an updo girlie and this hair is sleek as hell. Really sets the tone for this whole chic ‘fit.

I realize I moments ago said the Emmys aren’t for a Jessica Rabbit va-va-voom and this is EXACTLY that. But respect your elders. Sofia Vergara built a career on wearing this type of dress and dropping jaws and then opening her mouth and sounding like a fork in a garbage disposal and covering ears. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

This dress truly looks like metallic liquid on her bodice and all the respect for knowing exactly how to pose it to create this delish optical illusion.

Didn’t get a whole lot of big ole ball gowns last night so I extra appreciate this moment. Great color on her and of course, spicy leg pop.

Many ladies went for the sparkle and I ate that shit right up. This dress is the perfect style for her and I love the rose detail, a nod to Moira Rose perhaps?

I die for monochrome coordinates and the cape, dress, and purse all being the exact same color is doing things for me. Beautiful!

This pose makes me want to get wrapped in a big ole bear hug by Billy. At first I thought he was wearing a cardigan and honestly I liked that better than a jacket. Billy can wear pretty much anything and look huggable.

I would die for this gown. STUNNING.

Probably would’ve gone less Christmas clown with the lip if it were me, but the dress is simple elegance.

A rich PLUM. YUM.

Perfect blue tie! Eugene looking dapper for 1/2 of the hosting gig.

A timeless look for her first nom.

I tried to make all of my friends feel bad for me today as I pointed out the sliver of white skin that was showing because I was wearing higher cut bikini bottoms and I wanted everyone to feel my pain that in just a few short months my entire body will be that color once again as winter suffocates me and ruins my life and my beautiful sun-kissed skin. And then I saw this photo. My winter skin could be considered the ebony to Dakota Fanning’s ivory. Holy shit that’s a pasty complexion. Near translucent. I’ll stop crying about losing my tan now. (Jk I NEVER WILL.) Even though this milky dress is the same exact color as her bod, it is lovely. The pearl overlay is chef’s kiss. I bet it would look BOMB with my tan…which will be gone by Thanksgiving.

Cannot take my eyes off this shiny material that looks like wet latex. Supes flattering and so fun that I’m willing to overlook the cat ears chesticles.

Living for a blue suit and the floral shirt completes the look.

Not a big fan of the halter neck, which seemed to be a celeb favorite at this show, but I got a lady boner for the ombre sparkly finish.

I dig this more subtle shimmer and obviously fits her like a glove. I’m jelly. I’m constantly trying to wear a fitted dress and then turning sideways in the mirror and remembering that if I wear clothing that clings to my bodice then everyone will see how long it’s been since I’ve last pooped. Typically 3-5 business days. MUST BE NICE TO HAVE REGULAR BOWELS, PADMA.

FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT

Sure this is basically sheet metal and normally I’d make some joke about wrapping thyself in aluminum foil, but I’m captivated by this dress. The thatching pattern and the way the hem is cut differently, plus the sparkly accents, all of it is working to catch my attention. Total curveball because I’m nothing if not predictable with what I like and what I mercilessly mock on red carpets. I think Kristen looks amazing, the lack of accessories or dramatic makeup perfectly complements this wild dress. So there ya go, kicking things off with an unexpected fangirl moment for tin. All hail the tinwoman.

JUice

Weekly JUice – Sept 13, 2024

IT’S BAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAACK! The last time I JUiced was Sept 7th, 2021. WOW. I took three years off from rounding up the celeb headlines each week and gettin real mouthy about them. Honestly, for a while it felt like we were hearing more about Z-list reality TV drama in the goss rags than actual celebs. And The Salty Ju doesn’t perpetuate that shit. I wanna talk high-class divorces like Bennifer, not what the cast of Little People, Big World buy at the Piggly Wiggly. Lately, we’ve been getting some big juicy stories and I cannot keep a muzzle on it. I GOTTA SHOUT MY HOT TAKES INTO THE VOID. MAMA NEEDS HER JUice!

1. Nikki Bella Files for Divorce.

BIG Bella Twins stan here. I used to live for their reality show, I read their memoir, and perhaps took it a *little* too personally when Nikki called off the wedding with John Cena. John went on to marry a Nikki clone, proving he certainly has a type, and Nikki rebounded with Artem, formerly her DWTS partner. The early days of their romance played out on their TV show and as I watched her express doubts about him or if she was even over calling off a wedding to a man she had been with for YEARS like the week it was supposed to go down…I had a strong notion this wasn’t a forever coupling. Then she got preggers as celebs tend to do, and obviously they gave it a real shot and even ended up televising their wedding, which TBH, when I watched that I still was like SHOULD THESE TWO MAKE THIS OFFICIAL?! But everything has been all roses on social media, much like this anniversary post just a couple weeks ago: (I imagine this will be removed in the near future but I couldn’t screenshot because it’s a video so enjoy it while you can.)

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Well, that love story came to a crashing halt three days after this post when Artem was arrested for domestic violence. Not many deets were released and neither Artem or Nikki addressed it publicly, but I read somewhere that he was actually the one who called 911 and claimed she threw a shoe at him, and then when cops showed up it was clear who had injuries and who didn’t. Since the arrest, Nikki hosted a hot dog eating competition on Netflix without her ring, and OBVIOUSLY former dancing partners of Artem have noted that he was aggressive or said weird shit that maybe pointed in the direction of him being a dirtbag. BIG YIKES. Not that I feel good about any of this, but I’ll be a nosy nelly til I’m 6 ft under, especially with celebs I’ve ridden so hard for, and I’ve been TUNED IN trying to get more info on the sitch. Did I think they would last? Absolutely not. But did I think she was a victim of DV? Never. I mean, that’s 1/2 of the Bella Twins, a WWE wrestler. HOW YOU GONNA SMACK THAT AROUND?! Credit to her for dropping the divorce hammer almost immediately. She filed this week citing the date of separation as the day of the arrest and I was shocked. I thought for sure they’d do trial separation or try to work things out, but as my sister so perfectly put it: “When the whole world knows your husband beats you and you were a WWE star you better file QUICK.” More power to her! We are FIRMLY Team Nikki. FINISH HIM.

2. There Goes My Hero.

When I tell you I CACKLED when this news dropped. You mean to tell me that the lead singer of a rock band that’s been regularly touring for literal decades CHEATS ON HIS WIFE?! I mean good lord, how is this news?! Musicians and athletes have been spreading their seed since the dawn of time. But apparently people are shocked by this. Here’s Dave’s official statement on the matter:

Love the “born outside of my marriage” terminology like it’s the Puritan era. Wherefore art thou condoms, Dave? Dave’s kids are grown so first and foremost let’s send some T’s and P’s to him for having to start over with “raising” a child. I’m not naive enough to think that he’ll do any of the raising, but I imagine if you’re going to go public with this and stir shit up, he at least intends to be a part of this baby’s life and probably section off a portion of his riches for child support. If I had to crystal ball the future here, I’d say wifey sticks with him. In fact, I’d be surprised if she doesn’t. When you marry a rockstar, you HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SIGNING UP FOR. She made that choice and will probably continue to make it and look the other way when he tours his wiener all over the globe for years to cum.

3. RIP to a LEGEND.

RIP to my childhood, more like it. James Earl Jones was THE voice. I mean, when Lion King is one of the first movies you remember watching as a child, you’re never going to forget the iconic voice of Mufasa. Or the scene where he’s brutally murdered in a stampede ordered by his brother in front of his infant son. THANKS FOR THAT TRAUMA I NEVER ASKED FOR, DISNEY. Simba trying to get Mufasa to wake up is a horror that is seared into my brain for life. FU SCAR. But literally, we went from the WISE words and guiding hand of Mufasa from beyond death to the owner of THE BEAST in the Sandlot, to the writer who tells Ray that PEOPLE WILL COME. (I realize in the order of things, that movie was made first, but I wasn’t old enough to watch it so I went in chronological order for MY childhood est.1991.) Also, sorry I wasn’t a Star Wars girlie, but I know him being Darth was a BFD too. I love that he lived a long life, but also I’m in my feels about this one. Let’s be in our feels together and watch a supercut of the greatest voice of all time. Legends never die.

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4. It Ends with Blake Being Upset.

Kinda old news, but this week this headline surfaced on People.com: Blake Lively Was ‘Upset’ by It Ends With Us Drama: ‘It Felt Very Out of Control to Her’ (Exclusive). YA THINK? So here’s the scoop for anyone who has a penis and didn’t follow the Colleen Hoover DRAMZ that went down at the beginning of August. Colleen Hoover is all the rage right now with females because she writes juicy novels that bitches can’t stop reading. She’s tackled love stories, creepy thrillers, and complicated trauma. The latter is what got made into a movie first, but knowing how she churns out books and clearly sells out to Hollywood, this will be the first of MANY adaptations from Hoove-dawg. Movie was shot in Jersey City (WHADDUP JOYSEY), Blake is the lead and plays a victim of domestic violence, it was MUCH chatted about while filming because they made her look absolutely disgusting and wear some of the frumpiest outfits I’ve ever seen. Her co-lead and abusive boyf is played by Justin Baldoni, who also directed the film and owns the rights to this book and its sequel. As the press tour began, it became VERY clear that Justin was separated from the rest of the cast. Blake was exclusively doing press with the other male co-lead (spoiler alert he doesn’t beat her and therefore comes across as the far superior choice to end up with) and even at the premieres, pretty much no one interacted with Justin. Then he started getting soupy in interviews, laying it on thicc that Blake should direct the next film. Around that time it comes out that he fat-shamed Blake while filming (she had popped a baby out like 5 mins before starting this movie) and that he was aggressive and a dick to many of the cast and it was a not so nice work environment. THEN Justin hires the same PR person that Johnny Depp hired when he was being DRAGGED through the mud from his toxic dump of a relationship with Amber Heard and suddenly the press turns on Blake. For weeks we heard about how Blake wasn’t taking the themes of this movie seriously, resurfacing old interview clips where she comes across as a real mean girl, and suddenly Justin looks like roses and Hollywood has cancelled Blake, a woman and 1/2 of a power couple who they’ve quite literally slobbered over for years now. My, my, how the turn tables.

Now here’s my take. I think Justin sucks. Where there’s smoke there’s fire and if your entire cast and crew is basically isolating you on your own red carpet, you probably were a real doucheroni of a director and no one wants to associate with you. As much as I’ve had a raging boner for Blake for my entire adult life, I think she sucked at promoting this movie too. She was VERY into the florals and cutesy aspect of it, and she definitely leaned hard into marketing it like it was this adorable rom-com and not like it’s the unfolding of an abusive relationship from start to finish. She was all WEAR YOUR BEST FLORALS AND GRAB ALL YOUR GIRLIES AND HIT THE THEATERS TO SEE ATLAS THAT SWOONWORTHY MAN HUNK! Don’t believe me? Here’s my also swoonworthy man hunk husband to approve this message! We get it, babe. So really, no one was 100% crushing it here and more importantly for a movie that was shoved down our throats for basically a whole calendar year, it was out of theaters 3 weeks later. Tell me how that makes sense? You want people to go back to the movies so you can keep making bigger budget films, yet you only want them to come opening weekend? How about you give us a chance to get to the crusty ole theaters in the dead of summer when we’re all vacationing and beachin it up and cherishing the sun, which is about to go into hibernation for the next 7 months. You done goofed up because you lost ticket sales from the women in my family who all wanted to go together Labor Day Weekend with our wine. And we WOULD’VE bought the large popcorn too, so HA. In summary, everyone involved with this movie can suck it. I’m sure this won’t be the last time we hear about this mess, which I spent several weeks telling everyone was fabricated to get people talking about the movie, and honestly I would’ve respected it more if that turned out to be true.

5. CHOKE ON IT, BEN.

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Red Carpet

VMA’s Red Carpet 2024

Yeah, I know how old I am. So old that I appreciated them putting Eminem as the opener so that if I chose to go to bed or felt horrified and ancient by the hoochies that followed, I could rest easy knowing I saw the only act I’d know. (Although, Fat Joe comin at 8:50 PM…did not have that on my VMA lottery. LEANBACK!) But guess what, being old makes for great comedy when judging these ‘fits. It’s like if you were to scroll through red carpet photos with your grandma. I gasped on more than one occasion.

PS People.com had 130 photos from this red carpet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? About 70% of those photos were nobodies. I know because I scrolled all the way to the bottom in awe of the fact that just about anyone can strut an MTV carpet these days. Let’s relax on that shit. Stop trying to keep the Real Housewives of New Jersey relevant by inviting them. Here’s a v. small sampling of who was important and/or any outfit that got a visceral reaction from me. I’m not even sorting best or worst dressed because it’s like viewing a circus and you’ll know what I think about each outfit immediately anyway.

I love a c*nty hood moment. (Did I us the c-word correctly? Gays? LMK.) The fact that the hood is also somehow gloves may break my brain and I really respect the classy nude monochrome. No clue who this is, but she looks amaze.

I will never get over the fact that this is Tom Hanks’ son. What a goon. Ready to hit the ice and serve a mean knucklepuck OR go full blown motocrossed. Whatever he wants because he’s the son of Hollywood royalty.

Fat Joe ain’t fat no mo! Seems like it’s time for a rebrand. Ozempic Joe?

Snooki knows exactly where she came from and what made her a reality TV sensation and God Bless for her continuing to deliver even though she’s a full-grown adult and mom of three. Still crushing leopard print, a chunky heel, and big hair. RESPECT SNICKERS. RESPECT.

Oh are lollipops accessories now? The dress is Forever 21 and the lolli is Charms Blow Pop, strawberry flavor. Thx.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you can never make a trench coat high fashion chic, it’s always going to give school shooter vibes.

Not a good enough reason to show your nip nops, Benson. Also, leave it to the guy who’s making waves for soulful power ballads that get me in my feels to dress like a real pervert ice dancer. I won’t be able to unsee this the next time I’m scream-singing Beautiful Things in my car.

This was a gasp. Not only is it hideous, but I don’t need a full-frontal view of your belly snake. Ya that’s right. I said it. I get it. You’re trying to dress like a moonman to manifest taking one home. (Assuming you’re nominated…no clue who you are.) There are FOR SURE cuter astronaut-esque lewks out there. And while we’re on the topic, because why not, these barrel pants that are becoming a thing deserved to be burned in hell. A pant that makes you look like you have elephantiasis of the leg?! JAIL. TY for coming to my Ted Talk.

Thanks for showing up in your jammies to shout WE THE BEST, DJ Khaled. Don’t eva change.

BIRD LADY. This is terrifying. No THX.

Honestly what the hell am I looking at here? Sweatband silk chic? Why is the top just drooping in front of her crotch like they forgot to cut it? Ugh. As THAT girl of the Olympics this year, I had higher expectations for her to pop off on this carpet and this is atrocious.

Enjoy your five mins, Shaboozester! You earned it with one of the catchiest hits of the summer. Cuffed jeans and camel toe boots aren’t really helping your case tho…

We get it girl, you’re hot and tan. I spent my summer at the beach securing a lifelong payment of tolls at the dermatologist’s office but you don’t see me rolling up to Jenks in my undies to show off my hard work. Judging by the high cut of these ‘roos, I imagine the reverse view is fully cheeked up. K E W L.

This is so thirsty for VS Angels that I’m embarrassed for her. Not only is she desp for pair of wings, but also this isn’t even flattering. Cone boobs, granny panties and a peep-toe heel? Barf all over me.

I love a leop print but FIRE ENGINE RED?! It’s a no from me, dawg.

This is the EXACT moonman ‘fit I was looking for earlier. See?! There is a way to get inspired by a moonman but not look like a bag of crap. It’s majestic and super flattering.

NO! GOD PLEASE! NO! NOOOOOOOO! Do NOT bring back to the sopping wet red carpet look that the Kardashians BEAT TO DEATH in 2016. DON’T DOOO ITTTTTTT.

Watch out for my medallion, my diamonds are reckless, feels like a MIDGET is hanging from my necklace! But seriously what is that goblin hanging off her neck? And more importantly, how many times did her right tit flop out?

Cyndi still killin it in her seventies. SEV-EN-TIES.

I’m not really a witchy girl, as you might’ve been able to tell from the fact that I cry when summer’s over and shove neon colors and heart-shaped sunglasses down your grillpiece, but I can appreciate that she’s pulling this off. It’s almost fall (for those who choose to recognize that season) and this spooky Morticia-lite is werking.

Sure, wear a full helmet but DON’T YOU DARE COVER UP THOSE ABS, bruh. Head to toe leather but the belly button MUST be on display.

Really only included this because I’m SHOCKED these two are still together. Never would’ve guessed a relashe that started with cheating (for both parties) and a newborn baby left behind would last this long. I guess the couple that wears matching black suits stays together.

Chica Karol G dressed like a literal hot cheeto.

Jack went for the 1994 dad specialty. Ill-fitted rust colored button down and black slacks. The woven belt really sent me. And then his wife took notes from Suki Waterhouse and also dressed like a crow. She looks great, he looks like he’s stressed from a day full of selling printer toner and yelled at the kids to turn off Fresh Prince and go do their homework.

Wearing a tie as a necklace with no shirt. Only Lenny. No notes.

Shawn looks hawt. And he knows it too. Probably felt he needed to show up stuntin his A game as not one but *two* scorned exes who he happened to mack on at the same time this year would be present and performing. And true to the drama, they’ve all got songs about each other.

Bout to make some enemies but I’m already over Chappell Roan and she’s been famous for like 30 seconds. Bitch came out of nowhere. All of a sudden two weeks ago I’m reading about Chappell Roan hating being famous and I literally said to myself WHO? If you’re making a big stink about being famous and you’ve been here for a hot minute, see yourself out. Or in your own words, GOOD LUCK, BABE! She loves wearing eccentric outfits like this renaissance faire specialty and between her super annoying songs, the costume gimmick, and her rage for getting attention whilst seeking attention…I’m all set. My hate grew three sizes when she went to accept New Artist wearing knight metals that were jangling and clearly uncomfortable and getting in her eyes as she tried to speak. Sure, you want to make a statement with your ‘fit but AT WHAT COST?!

She looks fabulous. Marilyn Monroe glam for a chick who sings about what her cooch tastes like. Flawless.

No.

Kneejerk reaction is that the bottom looks like a scarecrow. Now that I’ve typed that out I feel like it makes no sense. But I’m gonna double down. It’s the tie part. MEGAN THEE SCARECROW. Boom. Roasted.

Saved the best for last. JK I didn’t have any control on how these photos uploaded. I hated this, obviously. I took one look at her trying to be punk rock edgy in plaid and was like omg go home, nerd. Then honestly I saw what hot garbage everyone else was wearing and it grew on me. If we take out those ridiculous leather fingerless gloves that go up to her armpits, it looks good. And obviously, tune into the Swifties to see what this outfit and her mid-show change means because of course it is FULL OF EASTER EGGS.

Movies, Television

The Salty Ju Does True Crime: Scott Peterson

Long-time lover and consumer of *most* things true-crime (living alone and immersing myself in brutal crimes don’t always go hand in hand), I don’t know that I’ve ever devoted an entire blog to a case. However, after guzzling down three series on the Laci Peterson murder, and having a hot take, I felt it was time to sear my thoughts into the internet forever and give you the scoop on each docu-series. I guess we could say this blog contains spoilers but if you didn’t hear about this murder that was legit on every news station and magazine cover 20 years ago then I’m concerned for you. Also feels a little odd to reference spoilers when it comes to a woman and her unborn child being murdered as this is real life and not the latest blockbuster. Basically, if you don’t want to dedicate any time to watching these three series, you can use this blog as a summary of takeaways, or you can use it as a teaser to decide if you want to watch. Either way, I think it goes without saying that the murder of a woman who was just beginning her life and her first baby is horrific and I’m not trying to downplay that fact or create some sort of sensational blog about it. I’m simply sharing my opinion based on what I’ve consumed, with some Salty Ju sarcasm sprinkled in.

Hulu (A&E): The Murder of Laci Peterson, 2017

This is the first doc I watched that flipped my whole perspective on this case and made me a Scott Peterson is innocent truther. I mean, I was literally bringing this murder up in casual Christmas party convo so that I could tell the unsuspecting victim of my doc-fueled chatter that Scott was wrongfully accused and we need to get him out of jail. Let it be known that I am ABSOLUTELY the perfect consumer of docs. I’m the type of person that will absorb the info presented to me in a documentary and not only think I’m an expert on the topic, but also believe every single thing that was said without question. Obviously every doc has an angle and is showing you the story they want you to see. But I’m usually flying too high on having all this newfound knowledge that I don’t even care about a controversial take being spoonfed to me. I remember literally ARGUING with someone that they didn’t know Scott like I did. From a 6-part series. I also spent a very obnoxious week acting like an aviation expert after seeing the doc about the missing Malaysian flight. Unrelated but totally related, I’m very aware of why I’m still single. Much like Scott….who got FRAMED by the court of public opinion to be a cheating dirtbag sociopath murderer.

Although I haven’t revisited this series since I originally watched it in 2019, I do remember really enjoying it (clearly) and would recommend it for anyone dipping their toe in the “did Scott really do it?” waters. It presented the counter-evidence in a direct way for dummies like me to be like hmm..it IS weird that I never knew they lived 5 mins away from a high-crime area. And hmm, that burglary that happened the same day directly across the street wasn’t reported on the cover of People magazine… My takeaway after watching this and what I’ll MOST definitely repeat throughout this blog as we’re talking about the same case being trotted out and dissected by 3 different directors/producers, is that at the end of the day, a man was convicted of a murder and sentenced to death with no DNA evidence or eyewitness testimony. The evidence that they did have was all circumstantial and YES IT LOOKS VERY, VERY BAD. His somewhat sociopathic void of all emotions demeanor from the minute he reported her missing to the day he was arrested, the extra-marital affair he had where he told this woman his wife was gone, driving very far away to go fishing and having homemade cement anchors and the bodies washing ashore where he was fishing that day. Do all of those things make Scott look like a stone cold killer? Yea, 100%. And that’s how he got convicted. Because I never heard a LICK about any of this other evidence to show that something else could’ve happened. So once you start to hear the evidence that isn’t all about Scott, it definitely makes you wonder if he actually did it. I’ll dive into that evidence more from the other doc because it’s fresher in my mind and I can’t remember what specifically was covered in this one or what has evolved since. But the bottom line is, knowing this other evidence was out there and not really as widely shared as the pieces condemning Scott, I would not be able to pin this murder on him beyond a reasonable doubt.

Netflix : American Murder – Laci Peterson, 2024

As it’s now the 20 year anniversary of this case, we must of course get more content on it. I had heard stirrings of Scott getting picked up by The Los Angeles Innocence Project this year and wasn’t surprised that we would be getting something new from him now that there might be fresh info in the case. I was, however, surprised that Laci’s family clearly wanted to put something out there too. Hollywood hasn’t quite figured it out yet as they regurgitate the same content over and over again but there is such a thing as too much repetition. This is a 20 year old case that was well-documented in the media and someone has been on death row for since it happened. We don’t need b2b docs from each family within a week of each other. Clearly Netflix cut a deal with Laci’s crew and Peacock cut a deal with Scott’s. And true to the case, they are very much dueling opinion docs. If you 100% believe without a doubt that Scott is the killer, watch this VERY heavy – handed HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO OUR BB GIRL Netflix doc. If you aren’t fully convinced, watch the Peacock special. If there’s one thing both sides can agree on it’s that the Modesto cops who were a part of both docs, certainly don’t shy away from camera time or a fat appearance paycheck. And anytime there is any comment or accusation that they perhaps dropped the ball on some things or honed in on Scott prematurely, putting blinders up to any contrary evidence to that theory, they deny it completely and say they’re confused as to why there’s even a question of if he did it. Not that I expect two detectives to publicly admit any wrongdoing with such a highly publicized case, but also, they don’t need to keep doing interviews about it either.

This was a fluff piece, which Laci’s family has every right to make in attempts to remind us all that she was real and her life was taken. But other than more glimpses into who she was as a person, there was really no new information about the murder presented. The interviews included Laci’s mom, a few of her gal pals, Scott’s sister & sister in law, other woman Amber Frey, and the cops. Home footage was used of Laci, lots of photographs, lots of stories about how she lit up a room (there’s a reason there’s a meme about that phrase. You light up a room and you’re as good as dead. Nothin to worry about for me, which is comforting.) The timeline and circumstantial evidence of the case is laid out. You get walked through everything again and cop interviews as well as news footage from that time is all used. So if you’re not familiar with the case or don’t remember the deets, this is all a good refresher but keep in mind that it’s presented by the police who wanted to nail Scott from night one. I don’t care how comfortable you are as a cop but I’ve seen enough true crime docs to know that the interrogation footage is always included and that cop ALWAYS looks like a total dickbag. I’ve never seen an interview room clip where the cop isn’t lying or trying to coerce the person to say something or admit something. It’s infuriating. If I’m ever arrested you bet your nip nops I’m not squealing a sentence other than I want a lawyer. The way they take advantage of people who think they’re just helping by answering some questions is cringeworthy to say the least. At one point I believe the detective even said why don’t you take a polygraph, I wont be able to use it for anything but it’ll rule you out, it’s no big deal. Oh yea, just take a lie detector test that I will 100% pin your guilt to! Anyway, I got off track with my F the po-lice rant. This doc also includes some insider info from Laci’s mom and close friends that there were some red flags about Scott from the start. He seemed obsessed with showing off and love bombing her. They got married young and Laci was a little nervous about marrying him. Supposedly he told her he never wanted kids and then “changed his mind.” Just typical narcissistic a*hole behavior from a young hot shot. Again, you’ll never catch me saying Scott’s a cool dude. He sucks. He was for sure a shit husband who had no business being married or becoming a dad. But does that mean he’s a murderer? If you really want to get deep, I think he was way too pretty boy to be a murderer. Seems like the type that wouldn’t even change his own oil so he’s for sure not offing his wife and dumping her into the sea. Doesn’t want to get his hands dirty, might mess up his backswing. ~*~ but that’s just my opinion ~*~

Peacock: Face to Face with Scott Peterson, 2024

When they advertised this as the first time Scott would do an interview in 20 years, I nearly shit my pants in anticipation. August 20th couldn’t come fast enough. This was it, my king of innocence who I’ve ridden hard for since 2019 was going to get out in front of it and give us all a reason to believe he’s been rotting on death row for NOTHIN. And then I watched episode one. And holy shit this was a letdown. So much so, that instead of tearing through all three episodes, it took me almost a week to get through it. Honestly, he should’ve stayed off camera. There’s a reason his lawyer didn’t have him testify. Boy does NOT give good interview. Which we obviously know from 2004 when he did a media tour and made everyone hate him 18 billion times harder. He’s monotone, he shows no emotion, and he can’t seem to explain away any of the things that make him look like a murderer. Which…was the whole point of interviewing him. The things he said, and did, and lied about, and the shady activities in and around his boat. He didn’t have a concrete explanation for literally ANYTHING. If I were him I’d be bringing Heather from RHOSLC energy to these interviews with the filmmaker.

real housewives of salt lake city heather gay receipts! 👏 proof! 👏 timeline! 👏 screenshots! 👏 fucking! 👏 everything! 👏 meme reaction video pic.twitter.com/OAVRWyd759
— reaction videos (@memepatissier) January 3, 2024

His standard answer for everything was some variation of, “that’s crazy that they said that or thought that.” Well that’s how you ended up getting sentenced to death, Scotty boy. I don’t know if he’s truly a psychopath or if he just doesn’t present well and has a lot of internal strife, but keeping him out of this would’ve made this doc much more convincing. Because again, I was convinced once before and reminded once again, that there is other evidence out there that was never presented at trial or was dismissed or explained away by the police. The biggest one being A BURGLARY THAT HAPPENED ACROSS THE STREET FROM LACI’S HOUSE THE DAY SHE WENT MISSING. I’m sorry but that is not coincidence.

And since you’ve been patiently waiting, I’ll hit on some of the other pieces of evidence that were buried or explained away by police. The police interviewed a neighbor who saw their dog wandering around with its leash on and put her in their backyard at like 10ish in the morning. That ONE interview created the entire timeline for Laci’s murder. They refused to hear anything that countered this theory and decided that because this woman found the dog at 10am, Laci was already dead. There were MULTIPLE eyewitnesses that saw Laci walking the dog after this time. There were witnesses to the burglary that occurred across the street that morning and ID’ed non-white men with a brown van. Two whites came forward and confessed to the burglary and said they absolutely had nothing to do with Laci’s disappearance. Also claimed they did the act after Christmas, which wouldn’t have been possible as Laci’s street was storming with cops and media at that time. No one is pulling off a home invasion in that environment and obviously it wasn’t these guys who did it or at least they weren’t the only ones who did it, they might’ve just been fall guys. In more eyewitness accounts, a man and his wife saw a pregnant woman being pulled into a van and what looked like a struggle. A correctional officer overheard a conversation with inmates that had to do with the burglary and Laci and tried to report it multiple times and they never followed up with him from the tip line. A burned van fitting the description of the burglary was found days later and the police tested it, concluded it wasn’t involved and then were done with it. Same thing with a homemade anchor found in the water near where the bodies washed up. They literally threw the anchor back into the water. Laci’s very specific diamond watch that Scott gifted her showed up at a pawn shop days after her disappearance. Do you remember hearing about any of this evidence? NOPE YOU SURE DON’T BECAUSE THEY EITHER OUTRIGHT BURIED IT OR SAID IT WAS STUPID. I mean literally, the Modesto cops flat out (in both docs) said this is all stupid, Scott did it. They didn’t have any sort of understanding as to why we (Scott Innocence Truthers) would be like well, this is a little fishy and seems like legit evidence to present alongside the prosecution’s evidence. Scott’s family had hired private investigators and there was a reporter formerly with ABC I believe who also became invested in the case over the years and was looking into all of this evidence and digging deeper. The biggest thing that made me think twice was when it was pointed out that police shared Scott’s alibi on day 1 or 2 of Laci’s disappearance at a public press conference. If you had her or had her body, you now know exactly where to dump it so that it gets pinned to Scott. And honestly, I never once thought about that but it’s NOT OUTLANDISH! You share the exact area he’s fishing on that day and all of the deets and that would be a prime opportunity for whoever killed her to get away Scott-Free.

So anyway, as it stands now, Scott is no longer on death row, and the Innocence Project is trying to make appeals for some of the new evidence to be considered/tested. Unfortunately, they were denied the right to get DNA testing on a TON of evidence, which according to this doc was unheard of. No one has ever really been denied so I don’t know how hopeful this whole thing really is. But they did get approved for testing of one thing I believe, and if Scott’s DNA isn’t on that one thing, he’s out of prison (according to his sister in law who became a lawyer after he was convicted so she could help get him out of jail.) This is definitely the type of case where you’re firmly for or against Scott and both docs had a mixture of the vitriol that people feel toward him and how they believe in their bones that he’s a killer and the ‘he cheated on his wife and kinda sucks but that doesn’t make him a murderer’ side. If there’s one thing I know for sure, they will continue to push out content about this with updates via The Innocence Project. After being somewhat let down by these two recent dueling docs, I’m not sure if I’ll be foaming at the mouth to see anything more on this topic, but I will be interested to see how things progress with them trying to get him out based on this defense evidence that was never presented twenty years ago before a group of 12 jurors decided he should die. And of course, I wouldn’t be a comedy blog if I didn’t mention the obvious…Scott looks pretty damn good for being in prison for half of his life now. In an MFK sitch, I’d probably F him. Definitely wouldn’t M him as we’re not 1000% convinced he wouldn’t kill me, and I’ll leave the K to the US gov if he ends up back on death row. *Note: all of this is a joke and very, very unserious and I mean no disrespect but also I’m here to entertain and if you just read a full true-crime ramble from me, you deserve to end it with a laugh. **Double Note: If he flipped that hat backwards it’d be on like Donkey Kong.

The Salty Ju

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CMA’s Red Carpet 2024

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Table for One

I’m 33. I’m single. I live alone. I work remotely. And I’m not on the dating apps.

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VMA’s Red Carpet 2024

The Salty Ju Does True Crime: Scott Peterson