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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/27/17

I took a self-imposed hiatus because Hollywood has been BORING AF lately. It’s pretty selfish of celebrities to not give me something to razz them about, honestly. Lucky for you I found just enough to get back in the saddle this week. HAPPY WEEKEND!

1. FINALLY.

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SIGN.OF.THE.TIMES // 7.APRIL.17 //

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Our ears will be blessed next Friday with the only real solo act to come out of 1D that anyone should care about. Harry’s done pretending to be a serious actor and he better DELIVER on the music front after we had to wait this long. Mysterious wading in the water photo isn’t really giving us much but thank God it has already been announced that he’ll be the musical guest on SNL 4/15, with host Jimmy Fallon. Fingers crossed that JFall’s Harry meets real Harry in a skit, or we riot.

2. Whoa, baby.

Pregnant bellies kind of freak me out. Mostly because like, there’s a human in there and if I push too hard will it die? This is something I may never know. So preggers people rocking bikinis at the beach usually gives me the heebie jeebies. The minute I see a baby arm or leg move like it’s taking over your body I’M OUTTA THERE. But of course, leave it to LC to make pregnancy chic as hell. Perfect mani, cocktail and beach scene=realistic look at pregnancy.

3. Batting UP.

Look, ARod’s kind of a loser. He could never compare to Jeets and it’s embarrassing how obsessed he is with himself. But let’s be clear, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a nobody (who is this biddy?) telling you that you’re outkicking your coverage in a major way. Girl thinks she’s being cutesy with the sports reference but ain’t nothing gonna cover the fact that she straight up told ARod to his face that he’s not good enough for Jenny from the block. Facts only. Also they’ve been dating a casual 3 weeks so like maybe slow your roll with yapping about her on a talk show. She just got done banging Drake. It’s not going to last. Especially since you’re,Β hitting out of your weight class? IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT? LOLOLOLOL. PS unrelated but kind of related…the 3 no name hosts plus Joy Behar saying that JLo liking chocolate chip cookies is breaking news made my eyes roll out of my skull and halfway across the room. HOW IS THIS SHOW STILL ON TV?

4. WHERE IS SUMMER.

Despite the fact that it’s rain/snowing in New York for THE NEXT TWO DAYS…I’m going to jam out to this new Thomas Rhett number and pretend warm weather is just around the corner. Ignore the fact that little hoebot Maren is featured on this. Pretend it’s his perfect wifey instead.

5. PUPPY BOUQUETS!

Β© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

This has literally nothing to do with anything other than the fact that it was an article on People today but if I’m in your wedding party and you don’t give me a puppy to take pictures with, you’re essentially dead to me. Group photos for weddings are the WORST. The way photographers direct women to pose is only setting us up for failure. “Blow a kiss”, “Walk toward the camera with sass” “Kick your foot up in the air” results in me looking like an awkward giraffe with my mouth open and/or eyes closed 98% of the time. Congrats on getting married, whose that weird bird who ruined all of your professional photos?! …is what I imagine everyone says when they view the final product. (Just me? Whatever) Either way, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look like a spazz when you have a cuddly baby puppy wuppy in your arms.

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Β© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.comΒ© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

 

BONUS: Throwback Eye Candy, Love always, Mandy

Bucket Hat=Pure SEX.

DUBZ BONUS:Β LOL to the fact that Melissa Joan Hart is suddenly all omg I totally should’ve dated Ryan Reynolds back in the day. HE’S BLAKE’S MAN. BACK OFF, SABRINA. (That hair though.)

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Music

Ed Sheeran – Divide

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I decided to start The Salty Ju after I wrote an aggressive track by track review of T. Swift’s 1989 one fateful October day when I was unemployed. I then sent it to my friend and forced her to read in full. And I thought to myself, WHAT IF I FORCED OTHERS TO READ MY THOUGHTS?! And thus, The Salty Ju was born. It’s a beautiful story, really. It brings a tear to my eye as I’m recounting it right now. That also could be because of the heavy rotation of Ed for the past few days but that’s neither here nor there. Since I love Ed just as much as I love Taylor, I felt like it was absolutely necessary to bring this feature back for your listening pleasure. Because what ruins an album more than reading what’s going on in my brain during each song? Nothing. Nothing, I tell ya.

1. Eraser. Ed snuck this one out a week before the CD was released and I was like MEH it’s no Castle on the Hill or Shape of You but after listening to the entire album, I immediately regretted shitting on this song. It’s a classic rap/singing combo deal from Ed but what makes it a great is that he pronounces Eraser like A Razor. It makes me think of the day I learned via twitter that if you say β€œrise up lights” it sounds like an Australian saying razor blades. That made for a lovely family Christmas dinner sounding like a bunch of assholes. Accents are fun.

2. Castle on the Hill. I started every single day with this song when it came out. Couldn’t kick off the day without imagining Ed doing his first kiss wrong and being puke free since 93. Instant mood changer. I’d like to say that my youth was also full of sneaking cigs and spirits in a lush green English field but like, realistically my friends and I sat around the family kitchen table, ate Doritos and took quizzes on Sporcle until 2 AM. THE GOOD OLE DAYS.

3. Dive. Ah, love song Ed. Or rather, love song mixed withΒ a hint of sassiness. Seriously don’t call him baby unless you MEAN IT, BITCH. This is hot on the heels of Perfect for my favorite slow jam on Divide.

4. Shape of You. This bangarang was the perfect single to pair with Castle on the Hill because that gave me all the driving feels and this made me want to hit up the club and Jersey turnpike all over the dance flo. Yin and yang.

5. Perfect. Divide’s Β version of β€œThinking Out Loud” was immediately my fave. It almost got real messy at my desk when I gave it the first listen at work and had to choke back tears. It would’ve been pretty awks if someone had come over and asked me to do something and I responded in between sobs, I DON’T DESERVE THIS, YOU LOOK PERFECT TONIGHT. Thank God I keep my headphones in at all times specifically so no one speaks to meΒ from approximately 9AM until 5:30PM.

6. Galway Girl. If there’s one thing to tak away from this album it’s that Ed’sΒ really kicking up the Irish jig numbers this time around. This one rocks real hard and I wish when I was in Galway I could’ve Irish stepped to this with a Guinness. Instead I bought a $50 β€œauthentic” Irish rugby shirt, walked 2 feet out of the souvenir store and saw the same one for $17. I know, I know. Americans are stupid and uncultured. But whatevs, I could totally play a fiddle in an Irish band. I basically did when I got drunk in Ireland. Everyone loves Americans there. In case you haven’t caught on yet, I’m about to try and make every one of these songs about me. You’re welcome.

7.Β Happier. Ok so admittedly this song is real sad. But that just means Ed knows how to make a bangpiece mixtape. ALWAYS sneak in a sad number after an upbeat one. It’s how you keep the balance. What a sweetheart he is being happy for this hoebag who left him even though he still loves her a lot. He is far, far more mature than I ever will be.

8. New Man.Β Yaassssss! This song is living proof that people with an English accent can say WHATEVER they want and it will sound classy. Eyebrows waxed and his asshole bleached? Yes, ok. The only gripe I have with this song is that if you’re going to toss around comments about a bleached asshole you damn well better not bleep out the F word. Go balls to the wall, Ed! I hope whoever this song is about replies with “AND I LOVE MY NEW ASSHOLE!” Side props for Ed admitting to InstaG creeping. Stars, they’re just like us.

9. Hearts Don’t Break Around Here.Β This is supposed to be a beautiful love song and he compares their love to a pothole in the first few seconds. Weird approach. I mean the song’s good, don’t get me wrong. But “shakes my soul like a pothole” really throws me off every damn time.

10. What Do I Know? I think this is the only song on the album that I don’t like. It will probably get skipped 99% of the time. It’s too J.May’s β€œWaiting on the World to Change” vibes for me (which also gets skipped every single time.) I don’t need to hear about how your song will cure the stock market crashing. Stick to singing about love and breakups and bleached bholes.

11. How Would You Feel (Paean).Β I don’t really understand who Paean is but a song kicking off with “you are the one, girl” is a quick way to get me to like it. Yeah, yeah it’s another mushy love song but like THEY’RE ALL SUH GOOD. Kid makes a living singing first dance songs and I respect the hell out of it.

12. Supermarket Flowers. Holy shit this one is depressing AF. Don’t listen to it unless you want to contemplate life and death. According to my superfan of a BFF (who googled it the second she first heard the song), this was written about Ed’s grandma from the perspective of his mom. So like, his mom didn’t die, his grandma did. Either way, singing about dead people going home to heaven and how sad you are is a real downer all around. Gotta be prepared for that kind of sad, like watching The Fault in Our Stars.

13. Barcelona. Ed does it again! Gets the tears rolling then brings it right back up with this Latin flava. How cultured is Ed that he can gracefully go from an Irish brogue to speaking Spanish all on one CD? Yeah it’s kind of jibberish when he tosses out “Drinking Sangria, mi niΓ±a, te amo mi cariΓ±o.” That’s like me saying, “Hola, margaritas, senorita” while shaking some maracas in a sombrero…but A+ for effort anyway.

14. Bibia Be Ye Ye. This is absolute nonsense. All I ask is that every singer I love make lyrics that I can easily learn and sing along to, so that I may properly perform a solo concert while driving. This is getting really tough when you shoveΒ made up sounds into the chorus of a song. Whatever, it’s still a banger. I forgive you, Ed. I’m still going to crush this live.

15. Nancy Mulligan. Another fun Irish snippetβ€”I’m guessing about how Ed’s grandparents met? I’m just spitballing here, based on the lyrics. Gramps Sheeran sounds like a real badass though. Her dad was like no you don’t have permission to marry my daughter and he was like eh, F it–let’s go down by the Wexford border and do the damn thing. Between this jam and Galway Girl, I’m about 2 seconds away from booking a trip that I can’t afford to Ireland. I won’t (seriously, Dad, I won’t book another vacation I can’t afford) but I WANT TO.

16. Save Myself.Β Kind of a low pointΒ to end on, if I were producing I probably would’ve ended on ole Nancy Mully, but wut3v3r. I guess it’s more of a wistful life lesson to take away. LOVE YOURSELF. I don’t know, I’m trying to see the positive in this one but it’s kind of hard when he’s droning on about drinking and taking prescription pills. Get your head out of your ass and save yourself, Ed.

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Music, Television

Grammys 2017 Recap

james

Since I can’t go like five minutes without voicing my opinion, I’ve decided to round up a quick recap of last night’s Grammys. Why? Because if I have to sit through 15 hours of television, I reserve the right to dissect every single thing that happened as if I am an expert on all things awards shows. Β So in no particular order, here are the top five things that happened last night when I turned 35 watching a bunch of celebrities sing on TV.

1. I’m on Hiatus from the Hive.

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Just like every other basic bitch in America, I love Beyonce. She’s super rich, puts out bangers, and kind of scares me a little bit. Well, I’m also real enough to admit when she’s doing too much. Telling her husband to suck on her balls and stop cheating on her via song? Funny and cool. Wearing a gold headdress and doing an entire performance with children laughing and a recording of your own voice whisperingΒ a speech? Creepy AF. Performing her most snoozeworthy songs chopped up with her talking about women and moms while she sits like a robot on a tipping chair was enough. Even Blue was like ok, mom, wrap it up. After those weird pregnancy announcement photos I was on the fence and then everything she did at the Grammys last night tipped me over the edge. I’m using this platform to announce to you all that I’m taking a break, Ross and Rachel style, from the Beyhive. Will I be back the minute she sneezes those babies out? Obviously. But for right now I think it’s time that we see other people.

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2. John Travolta is still oblivious.

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It seems like we drag up Johnny T every year to collectively have a laugh at his expense at a major awards show. We’ve had him stroking out over Idina Menzel at the Oscars and then trying to get in on the joke the year after. Last night it was a pleasure to watch him and his diamondΒ chainz read off of index cards because the teleprompter type isn’t big enough for his old person eyes. I want to believe that he’s self-aware and knows everything he does is weird but at the same time I know in my heart that John thinks he’s real life Danny Zuko, cool as a cucumber while all of Hollywood makes fun of him. And somehow that makes it better.

3. No Red Sox Fans in Hollywood.Β 

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We all knew it was coming, but I don’t think anyone expected it to be this awkward. Like Ellen’s Oscar selfie, it’s always a bigger host win if they can get as many famous people to play into a bit as possible. Unfortunately for James, I don’t think he anticipated not one single person knowing the words to Sweet Caroline. Even Neil Diamond was struggling and they were all clearly reading the lyrics off of a teleprompter. They didn’t even nail the SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD and drunk people in a bar can crush that! It was such a trainwreck that even Blue Ivy bopped over to see what all the fuss was. Apparently she thinks that just because she was born into the Illuminati she can crash a carpool karaoke sesh and then not sing when the mic is given to her. She better learn to startΒ hamming it up real soon or she’ll be forgotten as soon as these twins are born.

4. Rihanna likes to party.Β 

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We always need someone in the audience to watch and although CBS wanted it to be Keith Urban with the amount that they panned to him grooving out, the real winner was Rihanna and her booze. If I had to sit through that awards show and look entertained with cameras on me you better believe that I’m gonna be tossing back shots from a diamond flask. At one point she literally goes, I think it’s time for another shot. I almost wished I was drinking last night so that RiRi didn’t have to do shots alone. I am nothing if not a polite social drinker. Never let your friend take a solo shot, that’s my motto.

5. Adele is Queen.

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Adele snuck right up to being my favorite person at the Grammys last night. At first I was like ok, Hello is the oldest song ever I don’t need to hear it again. But then she pulled a boss move by casually stopping her George Michael trib, tossing around a couple of F bombs and declaring a redo. It makes me love her even more knowing that she has a garbage can mouth because I don’t know if you know this about me, but I too appreciate a good swear word and if world class singer Adele can pull that shit and get a standing O, THEN SO CAN I. (Mom and Dad- pls remember that the next time I accidentally swear in your presence.) Anyway, Adele then went on to win all of the awards and slobber all over Beyonce in the process. Quickest way to make sure Beyonce fans don’t instantly hate you? Declare in your acceptance speech that Beyonce should’ve won and that’s obvious. Adele is always one step ahead.

Bonus: Ed working that loop like nobody’s biz. It’s no Castle on the Hill but I accept.

 

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Red Carpet

Grammys Red Carpet 2017

Let’s start right off the bat by saying Taylor Swift did not attend this year and I was already going into this red carpet/show disappointed. Either way, not super impressed with any of the looks and forced myself to be nice for a few that I would’ve absolutely dragged through the mud on a regular night.

WORST

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Looks like Girl Crush (?) hit up the McD’s ball pit pre-show.

59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

The most shocking thing about this outfit is that this is Bonnie McKee. I saw Bonnie open for Ryan Cabrera at my first concert sans parents. YIKES.

59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

We get it, Tinashe, if you wear a criss cross bra it will push your boobs up to your eyebrows. Every girl learns that trick in like 8th grade.

59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Oh, alright. As if CeeLo doesn’t look terrifying enough as is, let’s toss a gold mask into the mix.

Halsey

Real talk how is she preventing a nip slip here? Sweet silk cargo pj’s though.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Crazy Gaga is back and she’ll spike you with her sleeves if you talk about her bod.

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Less is more when you have actual chains cutting into your skin.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

WHAT is being channeled here? Also WHY is Margaret Cho at the Grammys?

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Everything sucks about this. Sorry Celine. Sort of. (She bounced back with a much better dress for presenting)

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Two completely different dresses in one.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Designed by Miss Frizzle.

59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Dear God please tell me we’re not making pink eyeshadow a thing. First Sophia, now Lea?! PINK EYE IS NOT TRENDY–ASK BOB COSTAS.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

It pains me to do this but that studded jacket/silk shirt combo is so embarrassing.

59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I like the color of this but on principle cannot put Maren on my best dressed ever since she writhed all over Keith Urban in hot pants this summer. People don’t forget, Maren.

Chance The Rapper

Chance the Rapper is really throwing some Erkel vibes.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Tori!!! No, girl.

BEST

59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Country’s most adorbs childhood sweethearts always kill the red carpet.

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When you no longer have to match a bunch of duds for every red carpet>>>>>>>>>

59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Not always into the skinny tie but Ryan Tedder is looking fresh.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Baller AF.

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James is WEARING that pastel.

Carrie Underwood

Her performance dress was a billion trillion times hotter. But whatevs.

59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Royalty.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Katherine’s boobs look good. Facts only.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Chrissy looks MUCH better when she’s not trying to match her husband.

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

FIERCE.

Demi Lovato

Demi went a little too hard with the brown paint on her cleavage but otherwise looks like a bangpiece.

59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

The 59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I wanted to hate this tbh, but she’s kinda werking it, so I’ll let it slide.

FIJI Water At The 59th Annual GRAMMY Awards

Speaking of werrrkkkk

Heidi Klum

We can almost see her lady curtains but at the same time I actuallyΒ drooled over her legs. So here we are.

59th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

It didn’t photograph top notch, but Adele actually looked really good, and also props to her spray tanner who achieved the coveted bronzed look that is rare AF on red carpets. Plus she was overall queen of the eve, so claps for Adele andΒ “Hello”, which now seems like its been out for no less than 10 years.

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Music, Playlist

Boy Band Slow Jamz

James Corden had it right when he declared last weekΒ that we need boy bands back. Unfortunately he followed up this announcement by joining BSB for a quick rendition of Backstreet’s Back, and proved himself wrong. Seriously, it was a little pitchy, dawgs. James probably sounded the best out of all of them. Anyway, the idea was great, execution not so much. Therefore, I decided to bring back the essence of a good boy bandβ€”multi-part harmonies and crooning about makeups and breakups. So let’s sloooow it down, late night radio style with a bunch of dudes singing about their feelings.

All Or Nothing-O-Town. I’m gonna be honest, I kind of forgot about this song until last weekend when a real hero put it on at the bar and suddenly I felt the need to dramatically sing it word for word. Unfortunately, the guy unwelcomely hitting onΒ me at the time didn’t support my impromptu performance and while I was mid-hand symbols for “NOTHING AT ALL”, he shouted that he understood he wasn’t as attractive as other guys and stomped off. Bro really killed what could’ve been the story we told our grand-puppies some day.

I Knew I Loved You-Savage Garden. These pretty boys can always get me teary, they can make even an upbeat song sound sad. But this song really takes the cake, romance up the wazoo declaring they love a girl before they’ve even met her. That’s a real gamble, boys.

I’ll Make Love To You- Boyz II Men. Yeah that’s RIGHT. It’s not only a mix of white pretty boys with coordinated grooves. Sometimes you need a little babymakin music to set the tone. Don’t let go, Boyz II Men. Don’t ever let go.

The Hardest Thing-98 Degrees. What a cocky break up song from the hot ones, here. (98 degrees and HEATING UP) Hey I know I just dumped you and everything, but like, it was really hard on ME. Doubt it.

Still On Your Side-BBMak. This isn’t the slowest of slow jamz, but BBMak deserved a spot amongst the best boy bands. They had fab porcupine hairstyles and would take their girls’ side even when she’s wrong. If that’s not noble AF, I don’t know what is.

When You Look Me in the Eyes- Jonas Brothers. Curveballβ€”never would’ve guessed I would toss these little wieners on a playlist. Also never would’ve guessed that Nick would be the man of my dreams with bangerz on bangerz and Joe would have blue hair and be in a band of misfits with Kevin being demoted to releasing and promoting the DNCE video game app. Let’s LOL at the fact that these curly headed bros were once singing about true love on the Disney channel.

Penny and Me-Hanson. Was it like law that we never understand what Hanson is singing? Because Mmmbop was one thing but seriously are they singing with marbles in their mouths? Something something, PENNY & ME TONIGHT! Whatevz, I love it.

Swear it Again-Westlife. Pretty sure Westlife was a one hit wonder but this song is a real keeper. So emosh and such dramatic music. Everything a girl dreams for in a serenade.

It Happens Everytime-Dream Street. This was tossed in more for comical value, but also, it’s sneaky great. These boys were literally no older than 12 years old and they were hitting those falsettos like their balls would never drop. It deserves all the snaps for introducing us to Jesse McCartney, even though he was a back row resident in the videos…probz cause of that middle-part shroom cut. Either way, I was way too old to β€˜preciate Dream Street when they were a hit because there were a million better boy bands but that didn’t stop me from comparing these lyrics to surprise boners. WHAT happens every time you see me? Classic innuendos.

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As Long As You Love Me-Backstreet Boys. My #2’s in the boy band game, it was a real toss up to pick just one slow jam from BSB. Pretty grateful that after accusing my sister of stealing my No Strings Attached CD last week (she’s still denying it) she redeemed herself by sending me all of her BSB discography so that I could make this playlist. I’m not sure why she’s been hoarding so many songs but her email subject lines more than made up for it.

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Anyway, back to this ridiculous song about how all these boys need is love. So you could pretty much be a real asshole, but just love your man and you’re G2G in the Backstreet playbook.

I Can Love You Like That- All-4-One. These boys get it. Sing about some fairytale shit and we’re in. Kind of wanted to put I Swear in here but then couldn’t un-see a fat Chris Brander with retainer intact singing it. So this is a real close second.

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You & I-One Direction. It may seem that I’m obsessed with the 90’s (and that’s because I am) but I can still tip my cap to the present day boy bands and even though 1D didn’t dance up a storm, they still mastered their genre’s craft of the slow jam love song. Also since 99% of the boy bands on this mix have broken up, they now fit right in. Either way, this song gives me all the chillz. Things can totes come between the 1D boys but like nothing will ever come between my relationship with them. And that’s all that matters.

Gone-N*SYNC. Ending with the GOAT. Again, could’ve chosenΒ a bajillion N*SYNC tunes, but I decided to go with a late pick off of their last CD. Why? Because JT owned the shit out of this song and it’s very clear as to why he is still soaking undies with just one note to this day. The ending of this song when he lets it rip? Not a dry pair within a 100 mile radius. Jus sayin. In completely unrelated news, shout out to the fact that the last time this song came on shuffle while road-trippin, my sister and I had an unspoken agreement that she would sing backup so that I could solo. She’s the real MVP. Sometimes you just know when someone needs to show their range. And just for shits, here’s the really dramatic black and white video when JT was going through his shaved head phase. (And for a brief unfortunate moment, hitler mustache phase.)

 

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Playlist

Summer Palooza 2k13

Soak in the last few weeks of summer weather by kicking it back to 2013 where we were clearly in a heavy country phase.Β It’s fine though because it’s impossible to have the end of the summer scaries while singing about beer, cutoffsΒ and tanlines.

Summer Jam- Jake Owen Ft. Florida Georgia Line. This song was made for summer palooza…plus there’s not a more flattering compliment than telling a chick that she’sΒ sweeter than yourΒ sweet nanny’s lemonade.

It Goes Like This- Thomas Rhett. What a country dollΒ Thomas is, writing songs to get girls. HeΒ obviously knows how to get tail.

Back Together- Jesse McCartney. We can all laugh it up reminiscing Jesse’s days in Dreamstreet or serenading us with Beautiful Soul but boy has GROWN UP. This was a comeback after he’d disappeared for a minute and it’s a real sassy number. Whiny kid from Summerland NO MORE!

That’s My Kinda Night- Luke Bryan. Luke does his best work when he throws down booty-shakin songs and this is one of his greatest. My kind of night is any one where I can see Luke switch his hat backward and swivel his hips, if anyone’s asking.

Brave- Sara Bareilles. Here’s an obligatory girl power song that also happened to sound almost exactly like a Katy Perry song except Katy can kick rocks because this one is way better. I just admitted that because I’m saying what I want to say…I’m being brave just like Sara told me to.

I Hope It Rains- Jana Kramer. I think this Jana song was pre-One Tree Hill in her Alex Dupre days so it’s not as saucy as when she was trying to steal Julian from Brooke Davis. Anyway, known to go down the aisle a time or two, Jana sings about an ex getting married and hoping his wedding day is ruined by a monsoon.

Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke Ft. Pharell. Hey remember when this song was the tits (literally…have you seen the video?) and then suddenly it got a lot of heat for promoting rape cultureβ€”oopsie! Either way it’s pretty catchy, sue me.

I Want Crazy- Hunter Hayes. Lil baby Hunter doesn’t want a vanilla relationship, he wants crazy love and I’m thinking maybe he should wait until he’s a little older and no longer has a curfew for such mature relationships. Has he even graduated high school yet? Anyway, I was really proud of the day I finally nailed these lyrics, it was right around the end of summer. I worked really hard.

Rebel Beat- Goo Goo Dolls. The Goo Goo Dolls went away for like a casual 10 years and got a whole lot older but when they came back they were better than ever. This song has a nice hipster vibe to it to show they aren’t stuck in the 90’s and it’s super fun.

Wasting All These Tears- Cassadee Pope. Cassadee’s aΒ The VoiceΒ one hit wonder and this is a nice power ballad for post break up times or just like a really good car concert.

Whatever She’s Got- David Nail. This song was probably written about me cause guys are always in awe of my lethal combo of hotness and personality.

Best I Ever Had- Gavin DeGraw. Gavin went for a different sound with this one and it’s a real upbeat clapper, plus he shouts out a bunch of states in the middle of it randomly. He skips New York…I’ll have to forgive him for his obvious misstep.

Don’t Ya- Brett Eldredge. Brett’s first single before he was my future husband! Oh how far he’s come. Obviously it’s a banger because that’s all he releases.

Take Back the Night- Justin Timberlake. JT can do no wrong, even when he uses a slogan for rape victims as a song title. He simply tips his fedora and moonwalks away.

Round Here- Florida Georgia Line. FGL hit a hot streak with their first album and then they wore one too many barf.com vests in public and suddenly their songs weren’t as cool. This one covers all the basics though, fireball and dancing.

Gone, Gone, Gone- Phillip Phillips. What a beautiful love song from dubz Phil. What ever happened to him?

Counting Stars- OneRepublic. Ryan Tedder is always good for tunes, whether they’re his own or with others (cough cough I know places with Taylor Swift) and this one is no different.

Still Into You- Paramore. Sometimes I just like to remember the time when I thought I was punk rock because I watched the Ashlee Simpson show and Paramore always helps me do that. Girl changes her hair color to a different abrasive shade of red every 10 minutes but she knows angsty pop like nobody’s biz.

White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. He’s just so funny in his bright red shirt. Vanessa drops a HUGE clue in this one for any future suitors…just be funny and you’ve got a one way ticket into her pants.

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Best of OTH Mix Part 2

The Tree Hill gang (well….Lucas, Haley and every minor character who ever appeared on the show) gathered once again recently in Wilmington for another OTH convention and it made me nostalgic. Mostly because the ghost of Keith showed up looking like this, un-ironically I’m assuming and I longed for the time when he was missing or dead.

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Just kidding, I longed for the time when there would be a big moment on the show and I would immediately need to download the song that scored it. So I decided to make a second OTH mix, this one with less famous beats and a little more of the feels, so save it for a rainy day (I’m talking to you, Naley…WINK)

PS In case you’re having a hard time remembering who those characters are in the convention picture, I’ll just throw it out there that one of them MURDERED QUENTIN AND TRIED TO MURDER BROOKE. So glad he could make it in place of Q. NAHT.

The Mixed Tape- Jack’s Mannequin. The love of my life and pianoΒ extraordinaire Andrew McMahon was an important part of Tree Hill when he made the music video for this song starring Peyton in her infamously artsy room. The mixed tapeΒ also played over the basketball game where Lucas nails Chris Keller in the face with the ball mid-play. Win, win for everyone.

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Sweet Silver Lining- Kate Voegele. Remembz season six when we all knew Lucas and Peyton weren’t coming back for season seven but instead of being gracious about it the writers threatened Peyton’s life every few episodes? Well this came after the first death scare and before the second at her quickie wedding to Lucas. Mia dedicated this song to her and was like “Hey Peyton, this is for you because you keep almost dying. Love ya, girlβ€”enjoy 4 hours of marriage before you collapse.” I also saw Kate perform this live before the episode aired and she didn’t give out any spoilers, which is pretty selfish if you ask me.

Always Love- Nada Surf. Here’s an uplifting beat to distract you from the other kind of depressing ones on this mix (Peyton-nobody understands me-style.) Nada Surf just wants us all to be lovers, not fighters and it plays at the beginning of season three when Lucas and Haley are writing their senior year predictions. Even though Naley is on the outs for this one, the song gives us hope that my fave couple would stop being idiots and get back together. Haley writes out β€œNathan and I will be together again,” and I’m guessing she didn’t think that would include an infant by graduation when she jotted that one down. After she hides it behind the brick, Nathan walks her to class with his hand on the small of her back and it gives me all the Naley tingles.

More Than Anyone- Gavin DeGraw. Speaking of Naley tingles, this is one of their anthems. Gav scores their first rain kiss after the big porno fight (so precious) and then at their 2nd wedding, as their first dance. I’m also going to assume Jimmy Jam was conceived to this song. Just a hunch.

Sing, Theresa Says-Greg Laswell. In season four we finally see Peyton and Lucas get together and because Peyton has eternally been such a dark cloud of death and stalkers, Lucas pretty much expects to always be saving her from somebody trying to kill her. Peyton tries to convince him that she’s so happy now that he loves her and is like omg music is so much better when we’re together then tries to impress Lucas by shazaaming this song. No seriously she shows off an app. Technology is ruining relationships.Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β 

War Sweater- Wakey!Wakey! Since everything is in extremes, Lucas and Peyton are either happy as clamz or in distress and this song represents the latter. The two get married right quick so their child isn’t born illegitimate and instead of some nice wedding night sex, Peyton gets the wedding night bleeds (not the pure kind) and almost dies NBD but KBD. This plays as she’s rushed to the hospital and the baby is born and everyone wah wahs about her waking up. What will your legacy be, Peyton? Will you almost eat it and then drive away from a town you’ve lived in your whole life without saying goodbye? Just wondering.Β 

Missing You- Tyler Hilton. Couldn’t make a One Tree Hill mix without our favorite sexy villain Chris Keller. This is a nice remake that Chris did probably with the studio time that Dan Scott paid for and it played during another epic Naley rain scene in season 3 when they’re stressed about picking colleges away from each other. Seems like a conflict of interest to listen to Chris Keller while they’re smushing but whatever turns Haley on, right?

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Here Comes a Regular- The Replacements. Back to the sappies, here’s the song that Ellie said was her favorite of all time because she saw it live at Woodstock (probz stoned) and coincidentally (not) it played while she slowly and sadly died amongst her records, only for her daughter to find her corpse. Doesn’t that leave you with the warm and fuzzies? Side and unrelated note, I’ve listened to this song roughly 100 times and for the life of me I still can’t figure out one lyric to it. I usually just sing along with inaudible sounds.

Middle of Nowhere- Hot Hot Heat. I went through a hardcore punk pop phase in my early teen years and therefore this song got a lot of play time.Fortunately for me, Peyton went through the same phase for all of One Tree Hill and it worked out really well for my iPod. Lucky for everyone else this song is fun punk and not everyone hates me and I want to die punk.

Times Like These (Acoustic)- Foo Fighters. Dave Grohl didn’t just make the hot musicians I want to bang list on Peyton’s closet doorβ€”he also got to complete one of the weirdest and most unrealistic moments of One Tree Hill. The gang graduates and MID-SPEECH, Haley’s like oopsie I just flooded the stage with my amniotic fluids before I even got the chance to grab my diploma! It’s times like going into labor at high school graduation you learn to live again, is what I hear. #Inspiration

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Quicksand- Haley James Scott. Again, we can’t give kudos to One Tree Hill’s music without including their #1 Tutor Girl turned Pop Star. This is a later season gem (probably the only one…her music career PLUMMETS) from right after Lucas and Peyton PEACED up outta there. We come back for season 7 and Haley records this song with an interesting hat perched atop her wild red curly mane. I think the song’s supposed to reassure us that things will be fine without two of the main characters but I was more convinced that Haley had turned into a hippy who smelled like patchouli with the loss of her BFF.

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23- Jimmy Eat World. This band was almost singlehandedly the soundtrack to One Tree Hill with the amount of songs that they played, some of them performed by the band themselves at Tric because obviously high schoolers can book Jimmy Eat World for a casual Friday night hang. I understand that this song is 7 minutes long and that’s asking a lot of our short attention span culture to listen to in full but I also would like to add that it’s a phenomenal song. AND it plays during the pivotal last moments of season 2 where Peyton has suddenly procured a coke addiction, Jake comes back mid-drug deal to tell her to knock it off and Haley (a married woman teenager) kisses Chris Keller and is like let’s go on tour together and leave my hot husband at home waiting with the delicious dinner he just cooked for me. Also Dan Scott is about to get BURNED. Literally. SO MUCH DRAMA all to the tune of this moody song.

Heartbeats- JosΓ© GonzΓ‘lez. This is a song for all the Leyton fans. The Ravens win the state championship, dreams have come true, confetti is falling and Lucas takes one glance at Peyton’s chicken legs as she awkwardly stares off into space with no one to talk to and he finally tells her, β€œIt’s you, you’re the one I want next to me when all my dreams come true.” And they smooch among the celebrations, end scene. Except not end scene because rumor has it that some girl at the Return To Wilmington convention asked him to recite the line to her. So apparently he’ll just say it to anyone. Lucas is such an β€œIt’s you” whore.

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Be Yourself- Audioslave. Here’s another one of those famous montage songs that One Tree Hill likes to plop at the end of each season finale to sum everything up. Played at the end of season 2 we see Karen going to New Zealand for some summer lovin with Andy, Deb thinking about how she’s about to kill her husband, Nathan moving back home and Peyton just staring at her own art about people always leaving but also sometimes coming back. Does that bother anyone else? You can’t make a sweeping statement and then be like JK sometimes it ends up different just because your friend is sad.

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Lavinia- The Veils. While we’re on the topic of Deb plotting to kill her husband…remember when Dan Scott was poisoned and set on fire? Of course you do because he became mayor JUST to find out who did it. Seems like a lot of work, but whatevs. This song is creepy and weird and I LOVE IT. It played over the big dumpster fire that was once Dan Scott Motors while D-Money’s lifeless body was trapped inside. That is, until Lucas decided to be a hero and pull him to safety. I thank Lucas for that because if he hadn’t, we would have never seen Dan say to a couple of hookers β€œTake a hike, bitches” in season four.

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Sidewalks [Acoustic]- Story Of The Year. What a great angsty number this is. It also played while Peyton and Jake boned for the first time. Yaassss. Team Jake foreva. What a stud he was…and a GREAT teen father. Of course the Angel of Death had to screw that one up.

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The Adventure- Angels & Airwaves. Here’s a feel good jam from the former singer of Blink 182 and just so that you’ll always have a happy memory associated with it, when Lucas quits bball because his heart can’t hang, Nathan dominates the Ravens and gets his mojo back for a hot winning streak at the end of season three. Direct quote from Nathan β€œSex Machine” Scott, β€œYou might wanna stay out of my way for a while.” He also throws down a slam-dunk then runs over to Haley mid-game and says she might want to bang him pre-wedding because he knows how sexy he looks. It’s safe to say that Haley promptly soaks her cheer uniform, because who wouldn’t?

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Lesson Learned- Ray LaMontagne. We can’t always be on a high and that’s why we need to bring it back down with our soulful boy, Ray. He croons on about learning lessons in his raspy voice while Nathan most certainly learns the lesson to never borrow money from thugs again because his preggers wife just got hit by a car. Also Lucas probz learned the lesson to stop being so casj about his shitty heart as he collapses right next to Hales for a little BFF ambulance trip/extended stay. Shall we call this a lesson learned?Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β 

Ride- Cary Brothers. This song midas whale have been written about Peyton and her cool ass Comet. “The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning.” That’s a pretty powerful vintage whip right thurr. Lindsey pieces this all together at the altar, which is suuuupes embarrassing for her that it took that long for her to figure out that her fiancΓ© was in love with someone else but anyway we get a nice little flashback to Lucas towing Peyton’s car and her being a real twatΒ to him.

Boston- Augustana. It’s unfortunate that this song is named after the city I just aggressively moved out of but what’re you gonna do. I remember when it first came out I had just gotten back from Spain for a little study abroad stint at the ripe age of 15 and I felt it was cool and cultural to put my AIM away message as β€œI think I’ll get a lover and fly them out to Spain.” None of which applied to my life but because I had been to Spain I obviously felt like I had the right to use a lyric about lovers and being rich enough to fly them anywhere. Nathan and Haley were lovers who got to fly nowhere because on their way to the airport while this song was so adorably playing and they were glowing in anticipation of honeymoon sex they got rerouted when Nathan jumped into a river to save his hot Uncle Cooper from dying. Hope they got their money back for those tix to London because non-refundable flights can be a real bitch.

Thanks for putting your earphones in, Keith Scott Motors hood up, and taking this dribble over the Tree Hill memory bridge with me. It’s been a real hoot and now you have two full bangalicious OTH mixes to reflect with. So don’t say I never gave you anything.

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Music

Top Notch Timeflies Tuesday

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Cal & RezΒ got their start as two college bros making Youtube videos of covers and freestyles every Tuesday. That in itself is impressive considering my college dorm room was for full day binges of One Tree Hill and Dawson’s Creek, not producing quality music. Anyway, now they’re releasing fire flames original songsΒ but what’s especially spicy about them is that they still throw down a Timeflies Tuesday almost every week and Cal is a smokeshow who can literally make up a rap on the spot like nobody’s biz. If you’re not a Timeflies fan yet check out some of myΒ favorites below, if you are, re-enjoy watching Cal rap that fine ass all over Youtube.

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Under the Sea

Did I ever imagine when I was watching The Little Mermaid that one day I would be willingly rocking out to an Under the Sea rap? No, I did not. I was too busy drooling over Prince Eric and his head full of luscious lettuce. Either way, anyone who takes a Disney song and makes it dirty immediately becomes my favorite person so thank you Cal for referencing chicks getting wet in a song that a lobster originally sings.

Taylor

I mean, duh. Can’t sneakΒ a Taylor Swift mashup by me. Cal takes a few riffs at Taylor’s affinity for mid-song talkies and I support this 100%…interrupting your own singing to chit chat makes me very uncomfy. Plus YOU WEAR THE HELL OUT OF THAT HENLEY, CAL.

Alcohol

He LITERALLY walks through a bar and raps about each bottle of liquor. WHAT. Supes casj.

Wagon Wheel

I didn’t learn about this song until I was abroad in Italy where they played it on repeat in an Irish bar…random? Anyway the original is a fabulous drinking anthem but Timeflies obviously takes it to another level, right around the time that Cal raps: “Whoa, holy shit Land HO! Seriously land with a whole bunch of hoes.” Yes.

Cheerleader

I mean, he flawlessly infiltrated Caitlyn Jenner into a rap. Plus he threw in a little Fetty WapΒ and I can always get down with that song, especially ever since I googled it expecting to find a terribly disgusting definition for Trap Queen and instead was pleasantly surprised and suddenly had new life/career goals.

Click here for more Timeflies Tuesday…because there are 1 million.

And here’s the new music video for their latest original song: Worse Things Than Love (which is phenomenal.)

Puppies + Cal= Underwear Slushie.

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Summer Palooza 2K15

Although technically summer started a few weeks ago, I present to you, this year’s Summer PALOOZA! Every year since roughly 2007, my sister and I would fire up the Limewire on our shared desktop computer and download our favorite current pop songs for a banging summer windows down jam mix. The summer palooza tradish hit a little snafu in 2013 when we had some difficulty agreeing on songs, had to make a 2.0 halfway through the summer and then 2014 we didn’t make one at all. We’ll refer to that as the year that summer never came. Anyway, IT’S BACK BITCHES and as the sis and IΒ gathered round our laptops on 4th of July weekend, bickered over songs and hand-picked this mix like a couple of losers who were totally not about to watch the movie The Duff, I decided that this should be shared with the world. Happy Summer!

  1. Worth It- Fifth Harmony Ft. Kid Ink. A sucker for a good trumpet interlude, this was a given and a phenomenal way to set the tone of the summer.
  2. Gold In The Summertime- Matt Nathanson. We love our boy Matty, a love that has stemmed from my oldest sister being his numba 1 fan and resulted in all of us meeting him last summer for a quick Giantomasi family photo shoot. Plus it’s rare these days to find an actual summer themed song so this new release from him was necessary to include.IMG_3543
  3. Kick the Dust Up- Luke Bryan. Luke, my favorite backwards hat-tight v-neck wearin country piece of man meat is back to gyrate those hips like there’s no tomorrow with this one. FINALLY. I’ve waited far too long for another upbeat smash from Lukey and this one delivers. My friend Lindsey pointed out to me that she cringes every time he sings β€œlet’s tear it up up” and I couldn’t agree more. I love the song but it kills me that he couldn’t have a quick round robin with the writers to find another word that rhymes with up. Then I see him turn that hat backwards and all is forgiven.
  4. Bad Girls- MKTO. MKTO is fire flames hot. They only put out hits and this is obviously no different. These two goons have a little bad girl fetish and I respect that about them. The first step is admitting you have problem. Also bonus points for the “MKT-007” line in the rap break. So smooth.
  5. House Party- Sam Hunt. Full disclosure this was a song that my sister and I had quite a tiff about. She was adamant about including it and I was adamant about enforcing the β€œnew songs only” rule. I did a little research (right clicked the song in iTunes) and saw that this song was downloaded in November AKA it belongs on Thanksgiving Palooza, not summer palooza. Unfortunately, she won this round because it’s kind of a song that never gets old and Sam is a smoke so we’ll let it slide.
  6. Nobody Love- Tori Kelly. Tori is the TRUTH. When she casually opens wide and wails a high note for like 30 seconds in the middle of the song? Holy crap. Chillz. Plus this song is so sassy it makes me want to snap and also simultaneously break-dance in the streets. I won’t…but I want to.
  7. Lose My Mind- Brett Eldredge. Ah, Brett…YOU make me lose my mind every time I look into those baby blues. Seriously, can the walls close in when I’m stuck in a padded room with you? What were we talking about? Oh yeah, this song is good because it’s Brett and everything he does is bomb.com.
  8. Honey, I’m Good- Andy Grammer. One time I met Andy Grammer’s talent manager when I was in Italy, hammered. Apparently he found him singing on the streets and was like YA GONNA BE A STAR. Anyway, now Andy IS a star because he puts out catchy AF tunes like this one. I keep getting ready for this song to annoy me and we’re just not there yet.
  9. Worse Things Than Love- Timeflies Ft. Natalie La Rose. Cal from Timeflies is best known for his mashups and ability to freestyle rap like nobody’s biz, also he’s like, really pretty. Rez is his beat master and partner in crime. This is a brand new original song from them that I can’t get enough of. Check out Timeflies Tuesday on YouTube if you dig this song.
  10. Broke- Jason Derulo Ft. Stevie Wonder & Keith Urban. No words needed for how much I slobber over every song from Jason β€œI only make bangerz” Derulo. This is off of his new album that is obviously phenomenal. J’s over the gold diggers and spits the truth about mo money mo problems; he also casually throws it over to Stevie Wonder for a quick sax solo (sold.)
  11. Crash and Burn- Thomas Rhett. This little nugget has been a dark horse in the country game lately…I feel like he’s been cranking out hits the past couple of years and I love it a whole lot. Don’t know one single word to this song but that’s why we put it on the palooza, so that by August, when I’ve listened to it no less than 200 times, I have also taught myself all the words to perform solos at the stoplight.
  12. Good Thing- Sage the Gemini Ft. Nick Jonas. Absolutely no clue who Sage is, which is pretty embarrassing for him because he starts out the song with β€œthey already know me, S-A-G-E.” First step is confidence, I guess, but Sage, nobody knows you. EVERYBODY knows Nick Jonas though and he steals the spotlight on this one. Sing that hook, baby face. Then flash me the abs.
  13. Brother- Needtobreathe Ft. Gavin DeGraw. Here’s a quick gospel insert for the summer. It’s our boy Gav, a tasty piano lick, and a nice uplifting group sing-along. Raise your arms up and sway with those windows down (only if you’re the passenger.)
  14. Wrapped Up- Olly Murs Ft. Travie McCoy. Membs Travie McCoy from Gym Class Heroes? This Bruno Mars sounding beat brings back Travie along with Olly my British crush foreva. It’s fun and infectious in case you were having too many feels from the last song.
  15. Parking Brake- Dan + Shay. We can always count on some country singers to put out a summer themed song (the very reason I can’t listen to country music during the miserable northeast winter.) These two cuties croon about macking it up in the car, summer style. Cutoffs, sweet tea, red lips, trucks and the river…they cover all the essential southern bases.
  16. I Don’t Mind- Usher ft. Juicy J. Again, we have a winter release song, but guess what? Usher sexily serenading about letting his girl be a stripper because it means she’s bringing in her own income while Juicy J shouts stuff in the background will NEVER get old. SHE HERE, SHE HERE! Now go make that money, money, money grl and make your man proud.
  17. Anything Goes- Florida Georgia Line. FGL basically only make summer songs because there can only be one season when you wear open vests 24/7. Duhs. This is their latest and it’s a typical FGL barn yard hootenanny of red solo cups full of liquor and dancing by the river…Fri-YAY.
  18. Bad Blood- Taylor Swift. This was a bit of a tussle because I’m a very diehard Swiftie and the sis is a very country T.Swift ONLY fan, so when I politely asked if I could include a jam from 1989 since I was very gracious with any song that she wanted, she had to approve the one I chose. It’s safe to say she hated every single song I played for her. We agreed to settle on this one, no remix style (I’m not buying the same song again…) FTR, Blank Space over everything….I got a hard pass from my co-mix producer though. BANDAIDS DON’T FIX BULLET HOLES, SNIFFLES.
  19. White Houses- Vanessa Carlton. When we made the first palooooza, this song was current and we loved it so hard that it earned the closing spot on every year’s mix, no matter how old it gets. I think we can always relate to mah gurl Ness losing her V in the backseat of a car at summer camp. Plus…”The summer’s all in bloom, the summer’s ending soon.” Such a poignant way to close. (That may or may not have been an AIM profile staple every.single.summer.)
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Hip Hop Hooray Playlist

Sometimes I like to show you guys that I have range…that I can publish a playlist including a song by The Cheetah GirlsΒ and cartoon band from Doug then pull a 180 on you and make a playlist of some 90’s gangster jams. I like to keep you on your toes. Enjoy some OG hip hop tunes this week.

1. Hypnotize- Notorious B.I.G

Obviously it wasn’t 90’s rap without East Coast vs. West Coast and Biggie was the heart attack waiting to happen reppin my region, may he rest in peace. #Gone2Soon

Most Disturbing Flow: “At my arraignment, note for the plantiff,Β Your daughter’s tied up in a Brooklyn basement (shh),Β Face it, not guilty, that’s how I stay filthy (not guilty)” Comforting.

2. Jump-Kriss Kross

Switching gearsΒ to some young’ns in the biz to show you that sick beats can come from all ages. The Daddy Mac and The Mac Daddy threw on some backwards jerseysΒ and dropped this track that makes me wanna JUMP, JUMP. I have a not so secret obsession with this song and Kriss Kross in general, to the point where myΒ iPhone caught on right quick and started autocorrecting “wig” to “wiggitywiggitywiggitywack” and I didn’t hate it one bit.

Most Disturbing Flow: “I like my stuff knockin’ knockin’,Β I love it when a girl is like jockin’ jockin'” These two keep it PG. Respect.

3. Still Not A Player- Big Pun

One day I got bored at work, was listening to some throwback beatsΒ and made a bulletin board of pictures of dead rappers, a beautiful tribute if you ask me. My boss did not feel the same way and politely asked me to take it down when he saw it. I guess I should include that my boss was my dad and I should probably win the award for worst employee ever but it was a summer job and cutting out pictures of rappers interested me more than windows did. Anyway, Big Pun was front and center on the tribute board because he was large and in charge. RIP BIG PUN, hope you still playin’ up in Heaven, crushin angels left and right.

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Most Disturbing Flow: “My my, I’m big huh, I rip my (prick) through your hooters,Β I’m sick, you couldn’t measure my (dick) with six rulers.” A poet, really.

4. Shoop- Salt-n-Pepa

I think it’s time we had a little bit of lady rapper lovin. This song is dirty but this time the tables have turned, boyz, it’s about women objectifying men. Do it, Pepa!

Most Disturbing Flow: “You’re a shotgun – bang! What’s up with that thang?Β I wanna know how does it hang?” Well? Are you gonna answer her?

5. Good Vibrations- Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch

He may be a respected actor now but let us never ever forget where Mark Wahlberg got his start, as a rapper from Dorchester, spittin those rhymes. He will probably never bring Marky Mark back and it’s a true shame because there is not one disturbing flow in this song…it’s literally all about dancing and being drug free. Yeah, can you feel it, baby? What a gentlemen’s rapper.

6. Tha Crossroads- Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

Bone and the gang recently made headlines for saving a guy’s life, no biggie. What they should be making headlines for is the music video for Tha Crossroads because it is downright terrifying. Do I understand a word that they’re saying? Of course not..nobody does. Oh, ok according to the lyrics thisΒ song is about faith and people dying…who would’ve guessed the gang could be so deep. I guess the music video makes more sense now. I’m gonna go ahead and just keep singing Crossroads, crossroads, crossroads like the ignoramus that I am.

Most Disturbing Flow: “Why they kill my dog and man,Β I miss my uncle Charles y’all” WTF. DOG KILLERS. Oh yeah and his uncle died too.

7. Are You That Somebody?- Aaliyah

This is the only time in the world I will allow baby sounds to enter my ears because this song is fire flames. RIP Aaliyah…this playlist is getting really crowded with dead people…yiiikes. Anyway, DURTY SOUTH foreva.

Most Disturbing Flow: “Sometimes I’m goody goody,Β Right now I’m naughty naughty” Just about as tame as Marky Mark and his funky bunch.

8. California Love- 2pac Ft. Dr. Dre, Roger Troutman

Obviously you can’t have East Coast without West Coast and their bandanna wearin’ king (may he rest in the witness protection program). Remember when hologram 2pac was a thing and it was nightmare inducing? I’m kind of glad they didn’t push that further, let’s just remember human form 2pac lovin on the west coast.

Most Disturbing Flow: “Pack a vest for your Jimmy in the city of sex.” LA= STDs…noted.

9. No Diggity- Blackstreet Ft. Dr. Dre, Queen Pen

This song got a nice white basic betch revival via Beca throwing it down riff-off style in Pitch Perfect. Regardless of if it’s performedΒ acapellaΒ or OG, it’s the stuff. Can we make No Diggity a thing again? Like, hey you coming to my party? NO DIGGITY. Just a suggestion, think it over and get back to me.

SmoothestΒ Flow: “Curve’s the word, spin’s the verb,Β Lovers it curves so freak what you heard.” Nailed it.

10. This Is How We Do It- Montell Jordan

PARTAAYYYY JAM. Get down and wave those hands all over the joint! This is kind of how parties were when I was in high school. Just kidding, it wasn’t all good in my hood, we drank Mike’s Hard Lemonade in the basement after our parents went to sleep. But whatever, that’s neither here nor there.

Most Disturbing Flow: “So I reach for my 40 and I turn it up” This made me instantly taste warm 40 in my mouth and almost puke a little. So in that way, it’s disturbing, otherwise, the general rule is “Drink 40’s, get shawties.”

11. Doo Wop (That Thing)- Lauryn Hill

Ya girl Lauryn Hill just trying to do a little justice in the rap game and warn the ladies that some guys just want the V and then they’re outtie. Thanks for this PSA in such catchy tunes, Laur, sometimes we all just need a little truth bomb. COME AGAIN, COME AGAIN.

Smoothest Flow: “Babygirl, respect is just a minimum” PREACH.

12. Just A Friend- Biz Markie

Real talk: this song only made the cut because I laugh out loud every single time Biz Markie blubbers out “I asked her name she said blah-blah-blah.” Names are irrelevant, what IS relevant, is that she had a VERY big bra. Get after it, Biz. Get outta that friend zone. And also maybe never sing again. Thank you.

13. Let Me Clear My Throat- DJ Kool

The horns in this song are the truth and it’s basically a guy just callingΒ out to everyone and coughing every once in a while. Crushing it. Not going to lie I feel preeeettttyyyy great when he shouts it out to the ladies who have real hair and fingernails and a job and I can make some noise. LIFE GOALS.

14. Hip Hop Hooray- Naughty by Nature

I don’t have much to say about this song other than the fact that I felt obligated to include it because I ripped the title for this playlist. Also there’s a guy named Treach in Naughty By Nature, which is an interesting choice for hardcore rap name. Let’s move onto some really cool AF rap names…

15. C.R.E.A.M- Wu Tang Clan

But seriously could there be a cooler collection of rapper names than Wu Tang Clan? RZA, Method Man, Ol Dirty Bastard, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck… so fre$h. I’m not obsessed with this song but I put a little Wu Tang on for my favorite rapper The Reevolution and he BETTER ‘preciate it.

Most Disturbing Flow: “Everyday I escape from Jakes givin’ chase, sellin’ base,Β Smokin’ bones in the staircase.” Ya know, just a regular day.

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