1. John Krasinski vs. Anna Kendrick in Lip Sync Battle of the year. Totes didn’t anticipate including these lip sync battles in my JUice every week but then they had two bangin weeks B2B (no coincidence that the two are married) and it was more than worthy of sharing. REAL heavyweight battle this week between queen of funny, cool, hot girl Anna Kendrick & dreamy Jim Halpert, creator and lip sync GOAT. I think John’s recreation of the Bye Bye Bye Marionette video was the best lip sync ever. No frills, just his dashing good looks and smooth dance moves. Anna brought her dance moves out to play with Booty and an appearance of JLo at the end sealed the deal for her. Even though they were both top notch in this battle, I still feel like John was robbed. I get that it probz doesn’t look good to award the guy who created the thing but c’mon, he shook his junk around in a sparkle mini as a sassy Tina Turner. Also petition to get LL Cool J the F off this show. Anyone? Anyone?
2. Pitch Perfect releases newer trailer and pls don’t disturb as I spend the rest of my day listening to the Bellas. Highlight: Becca & Jesse mack sesh.
3. Harper Beckham woke up like this. SHE’S THREE YEARS OLD. No biggie, just a three year old front row center at a fashion show looking more flawless than I will ever look. Yeah that’s right, I’m jelly belly of a toddler. Whatevskeets.
4. Mr. Bubbles, King of Smooth, posted an Insta with a girls donk in it and is getting Internet shamed for it.
Can the world EVER have a sense of humor? If you put your buhhole on display like that you’re giving anyone with a camera phone the rights to take a funny selfie with it. Duhs. That’s not me talking, it’s science. Also Bubs nails the blue steele in this.
5. SJP goes back to NYC on HBO.
The show is called Divorce and follows Carrie Bradshaw after Big dumps her. Just kidding, but you know that 100% of the viewers absolutely think this show will be a sequel to Sex and the City. Here’s hoping Molly Shannon is the Samantha. Does this mean there won’t be a Sex and the City Movie 3-5?
Since I know you’ve spent all week AGONIZING about what the future little diva of Nashville was named, the wait is finally over. Her name is Cadence, and she won’t stop wailing. Get it guys, cause like cadence is also a musical term and this show is about music and the writers are all about letting the general public do their job. They probably sat around the writers’ room and were like hmm, we can’t decide on a name for this baby that everyone won’t make fun of, let’s make our fans decide so we don’t take the heat if it sucks. Well anyway, back to Cadence the screaming infant. Avery read somewhere that babies like to be shushed so he shushes the little biddy and peaces out to be with the band leaving Juliette to glare at this screeching little metaphor for a musical phrase. Girl’s, makin music, alright.
Little miss insufferable teen, Maddie used to make music but now she just makes sweet, sweet puppy love to her boyfriend Colt. After Rayna catches them playing tonsil hockey, this time not as almost-siblings, Rayna goes to Luke to talk about it and he’s like yeah I’ve been supervising their mack seshes for weeks at the ranch, NBD. They have date plans to see pop star Jade St. John in concert and Rayna’s like uh-uh, honey because Maddie’s being a real dick and tells Rayna she doesn’t respect her.
Xtina throws on a wild pink wig and suddenly becomes Jade St. John. WHAT A NAME. Cotton candy head Jade apparently used to be engaged to Jeff Fordham and I’m guessing he turned her into a pop star and she was like I’ll take it from here, see ya later alligator. Now Layla wants to open up for Jade and Jeff has to come crawling back asking for a favor, showing us a softer side of the perpetually slimy Jeffster. It seems that Frenchy broke his little plastic heart and since she feels bad about how his life is a shithole now, she throws him a bone and lets Layla open for her.
In Deacon’s weekly meltdown about the CANCER that he HAS…Juliette recruits him to write a song for the Pasty Kline movie credits that she agreed to do in a day because she obviously has nothing better to do. Deacon sucks at songwriting now because he’s probably more concerned with staying alive or something. Juliette calls him out on it so he storms out and cries about how all anyone talks about is his CANCER. Then Maddie tells him that she always goes over to the ranch because Deacon is depressing AF and finally Deacon has a baby breakthrough and apologizes to Rayna for being a whiney pants and says, “Right now I’m pretty sick of being sick.” Yeah SAMESIES, DEACON. CUT IT OUT, WILL YA? Rayna tells him to bring Maddie (who also apologized) to the concert so that she can be rewarded with front row seats at a pop concert for her snotty behavior.
Gunnar, also in a snotty mood since Scarlett’s getting some and he’s not the one giving it, coins a nickname for her boyfriend—Dr. Dork. Hey Gunnar, why don’t you leave the nicknames to me, alright? Dr. Hottie and Scarlett are still mingling even though the duet of sexual tension went viral on YouTube and it’s all anyone can talk about. The Triple X’s get interviewed and all the guy wants to know is about Scarlett/Gunnar and Avery is only known as Juliette’s baby daddy. Yiiikez. They decide to throw a party where Gunnar wears a disgusting fedora and I’m wondering how exactly he thinks he’s going to win Scarlett over looking like an old-timer park ranger. Scarlett is as dry as the Sahara desert when she sees Gunnar so this is probably going nowhere for right now, which is good because Gunnar needs to shape up and stop acting like such a wiener. They play another fire flames song, which is really par for the course for them at this point—when are they just going to release a full album so I can binge?
At Frenchy’s concert across town, Rayna finds out that Layla hired Jeffy as her manager and kicks him while he’s down, telling him that Layla will soon enough realize he’s a dirt bag and fire him. OoOh WATCH YO BACK FORDHAM. Xtina, I mean, Jade, does what she should actually be doing because her acting is real sub-par and sings Beauty School Dropout jams out a banger, owning the stage even though she’s wearing an original costume from Hocus Pocus. Backstage things get super serious when Deacon tells Luke that he is a dead man walking and Luke’s like shiiitt now I’ve gotta be nice to you. They shake hands like men and Deacon for the first time says he’s going to beat this and it’s no biggie, which was much needed news because maybe it means Debbie Downer is done making appearances in Nashville.
While everyone is out party, party, hardy, Juliette is at home with that SPAWN Cadence. She’s trying to write this song and that kid of hers is really cock blocking her creative juices. Avery stops in just to tell her he’s going out to play a show and that Juliette cannot come with. Left alone with the screamer, she definitely thinks about murdering it but instead hires a nanny so that her kid survives the night. Avery comes home and sees someone actually adoring their child who is certainly not his wife and is a little peeved she hired a nanny without his permish. Juliette ends up taking off for LA to present the song and Avery is forced to quit the Triple X’s so that his baby has at least one parent because even though Juliette makes a women empowering, feminist statement about how we have it all figured out, what she really means is that she’s figured out that she doesn’t want to be a mom…whoopsie!
In the land of the still locked tight in the closet, Will wants to ask his writing partner out, you know the one that he homophobically slammed before he met him, funny how the tables have turned. Will acts like a real pansy about asking him out and storms out when he sees him talking to someone else. In the end, they hang (inside, shades drawn) and make out a little bit, and Will is probably definitely absolutely not going to keep this a secret and then flip out and ruin things. Nope, not Will.
And Teddy…Teddy the naïve little cub who thinks that he can pay off a prostitute with dirty money and then hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s back to normal life I go, is about to have a rude awakening. His prosty demands to get half a mill in cold hard cash and Teddy’s like okey dokey, Smokey. Turns out the hooker DIDN’T have a heart of gold and has been working with the FBI to hand over Teddy in return for her immunity. Hope the sex was worth it Bach Teddy, cause it’s about to go DOWN. Now that Sadie the murderer is gone, we could use a little scandal in Nashville, and I for one cannot wait.
You know how this has been three excruciating weeks of a bunch of people who hate each other sitting on couches shouting how much they hate each other? Yeah let’s lighten things up with a montage where everyone touches Kyle’s rack and she shimmies it all over the joint. NICE TRY, Bravo. This still SUCKS. No, no don’t change the channel–let’s discuss how Kyle’s afraid of the word pussy but she’s certainly not afraid of asking how Rinna grooms her downstairs. As if I didn’t force that moment out of my memory the second it happened, a pervy reader wrote in LEGITIMATELY asking what kind of hairstyle Rinna’s lady curtains are sporting these days. Rinna confirms that she DOES in fact trim, much to Harry’s disgust because as Kim so soberly put it in the show, Harry likes it hairy. That’s why Kim got paid the big bucks to do Diving with the Stars, for her original wit and humor. In other vagina related news, Brandi’s still takes an occasional pounding from the 23 year old mover she hired to carry her boxes and then unpack one box in particular, WINK. They only get together when he’s on break from college, though or like when he doesn’t have a paper to write…
Ok enough with the LOL’s about mom’s vaginas, it’s time to hate each other again. Kim is asked if she’s talked to Rinna and squashed beef since the show and Kim theatrically pulls out her iPhone and begins reading text messages from Rinna that she obviously archived specifically for this shining moment. She probably also emailed them to herself and wrote them in her diary, you know, for backup. Rinna threatens Kim in these texts and calls her an ugly, disgusting person and after Kim reads them all aloud like she’s Miss Kimmy reading a children’s book at the library, Rinna bursts into tears. Apparently Rinna was always shushed growing up and it has had a long lasting effect on her so Kim had silenced her too many times and she blew up via angry texts. Kim and Brandi immediately start Team Victim and claim that Rinna has anger issues and they’re terrified she’s going to batter them, drinking up Rinna’s tears with two straws like the milkshake that none of them could finish in the scavenger hunt. Suddenly Red Rover, Red Rover, send Eileen on over, girl can’t even stand sharing the same couch as these two villains so she shoots right over and sits in Rinna’s lap to comfort her. Brandi whispers to her partner in crime to just drop it because Rinna is obviously crazy and Kim puts a serene look on her face much too quickly for her to be a sane person and says ok I’m sorry, Rinna, fight’s over and gives Rinna the boniest hover-hug I’ve ever witnessed. Andy wins quote of the night when he says to Kim, I’m wondering why you’re laughing at her tears.” EVERYONE is wondering this, Andy, but NO ONE will question it or fear the wrath of sociopath Kim and her sidekick Brandi.
And for the last time (should be ever but definitely will not be) we delve into the hyper-complicated, needs years of therapy and probably a few Xanax, issues between the sisters Richards. I like to make jokes about these ladies because they subject themselves to reality TV and then generally act like assholes but I can’t even make jokes about this because it’s actually just gotten sad. These two need actual help and need to stop throwing it up on TV. Apparently Kim’s approach to this reunion is to mention that a lot of things have transpired off camera and she does not wish to discuss them today. Kyle’s like whatevs I’ll talk about them and tells the story of how Kingsley bit Kyle’s daughter on Halloween and apparently she Instagrammed a pic from the hospital but never referenced Kim or her dog as the cause for the trip. Well fans of the show have seen what a nightmare of a dog Kingsley was and used the brains that we don’t normally use while watching this train wreck of a show and figured it out all on their own. Kim loses her shit because a Valencia filter on a hospital pic ruined her family and her life and Kyle’s like well my daughter almost lost her hand and was hooked up to an IV for three weeks. Kim gets nasty and says that it was just a bite and that Kyle is now resurfacing this and making it worse, what’s making it better in my opinion is that post-production added in the actual instagrams that Kyle posted and it’s quite a nice touch to be able to cut to those while the sisters Richards are both screaming that each of them is a mean person and everything is SO PAINFUL and they’re sick of it and they both threaten to leave but don’t move an inch. Kim gets her “scary voice” (according to Rinna) and starts up again with the threats to tell the REAL story of what happened apparently involving Kyle not giving her daughter the antibiotics for two days thus causing the almost hand-amputation incident. So I guess all that blubber about not discussing stuff on camera was something Kim really wanted to stick to. Oh just kidding, she reverted back to that when Andy asked where Kingsley is now and she sketchily replied that he’s with a trainer but then crossed her fingers as she said it and when pressed on the topic shouted KINGSLEY IS OFF LIMITS JUST LIKE MY CHILDREN, HE’S LIKE A SON TO ME. So clearly Kingsley is stowed away in Kim’s house and Kim is host of a house containing a rabid, vicious dog and a dying ex husband who shares pills with her. And there you have it, a lifetime of issues bubbles into the silent treatment between two sisters because Kyle ‘grammed something and Kim didn’t “like” it. Lisa jumps in with a touch of wisdom in crazy town to say that things need to be resolved so that these two don’t look back on their lives and wonder why they weren’t there for each other at milestone moments. Brandi declares she’s washing her hands of this mess and they need to fix it because she never meant to break up a family.
In closing, Andy asks everyone how they’re feeling and the responses are depressing AF. Kyle’s sad, Kim’s sad, Eileen is like yeah maybe we shouldn’t talk about my contract for next season just yet, Rinna’s like NO RAGRETS (Tim Riggins style) and Lisa is sad for Kyle and Kim. What a downer, Andy…we couldn’t have ended with the nipple touching montage? Geeze. Since unlike Bravo, I don’t like to exhaust viewers with awful fighting and then end with the feeling that I wasted days of my life watching the lives of these women unravel on national TV, I’ll end with a funny. At one moment in the reunion, Kyle admits that in a rage blackout she doesn’t even remember double birding her sister and screaming FU at a party and Kim takes this moment to give an aside to Eileen, “yeah that’s totally what happened to me in Amsterdam when I called you a beast, lawls, I didn’t even remember doing it sorry!!” And Eileen threw her SUCH a look it was a light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel that was this season. Eileen may wear bucket hats and tinted shades, but she will NEVER let you get away with such a bullshit excuse. Also, Rinna wins the crown for most F bombs in a season and sassily tells Brandi (who she ripped the honor from) “I’ll put a crown on my 20 year old hairdo.” And with that, I put a crown on this season. No, scratch that…crowns are for winners and this season was a loser. I put the opposite of a crown on this season. It went from 0 to 100 real quick and it became a chore to tune into the dark, deep fights that happened every time they were socialized. Fingers crossed they switch up the cast next season (Kim/Kyle/Brandi should be the first to get tossed) or I might have to move my talents onto another city. Just kidding, all Bravo really needs to do is bring back Camille and I’d probs be all in again. Final offer. And for those wondering if I’ll be recapping their plea for more views, next week’s Secrets Revealed epi, I’ve seen my fair share of secrets this episode and I’m hashtag over it. This is my final Bev Hillz Recap. Try not to miss me TOO much.
“Don’t worry about your speeches going too long because MTV is the only network that refuses to play music.”-Amy Schumer
Yeah I still watch both the MTV Movie Awards and the VMA’s every year. You wanna mock me for that? Fine. But I’ll have you know that last year this happened:
and I saw it go down live. So joke’s on you, really. This year I can’t say that anything that salacious occurred, but that’s why I’m here. To tell you the highlights of a show that’s target audience is pre-teens so that you can never bring it up in front of your co-workers today.
Highs:
-Amy Schumer as host. Amy is known for being gross, which is obviously why I like her. She didn’t really get to shine that much on this show but her opening montage of intruding all the big movie scenes from this year plus her monologue kicked off the show and there was an especially disgusting sketch about girls going to the movies alone to DJ (this is a metaphor for something inapprops.) Props to her for keeping her crass humor alive throughout the show.
-While introducing Magic Mike XXL cast, Amy talked about solving the California drought then said, “These four presenters are doing their part by making it rain in my spanx.” A+
– JLo calls out the Magic Mike boys for a dance number and Channing shakes that AZZZZ.
-Miles Teller presents the Trailblazer award to Shailene Woodley and doesn’t even read a speech, just genuinely talks about how phenomenal she is as a person and it’s real adorbsies. Interestingly, not once is her breakout role in the critically acclaimed Secret Life of the American Teenager on ABC Family mentioned. SHE SHOULD HAVE WON ALL THE AWARDS FOR HER ROLE AS AMY JERGENS, the fifteen year old who didn’t even know she had sex and then 9 months later had a son who miraculously never learned to talk over the course of like 6 seasons. Jus sayin.
-Pitch Perfect 90’s Hip Hop Riff-Off exclusive clip. Is it May yet? (Could’ve easily done without Rebel strutting out in a bedazzled bra, leather pants and angel wings…but let it slide because that’s just Fat Patricia. Bonus points for calling her lady curtains a “girl power” and not a kitty—see below)
-Kevin Hart the butt of all short people jokes brings his kids up to accept the Comedic Genius award and says that everything he does is for them and it’s supes cutes and then him and his son do a Parent Trap style handshake that MTV deems unimportant and moves the camera off of.
Lows:
-Vin Diesel presenting an award and then serenading the crowd awkwardly? Was this for Paul Walker? I was perplexed because he said the name Pablo. Someone pls clarify for me.
-Apparently Fall Out Boy lives on in present day and not just in my 8th Grade Angst mix because they performed with a rapper that I still never caught the name of and it doesn’t matter anyway because the whole time he was rapping Pete Wentz was lurking next to him trying to steal the spotlight. Punk meets Rap. Kewl, MTV. Update: the rapper’s name is Fetty Wap. What planet am I on?
-Zac Efron and Dave Franco accepted best Duo in character from Neighbors and literally just quoted their own movie and reenacted scenes. There wasn’t enough abs and these two proved they could never be part of an improv club like Michael Scott.
-Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara do a bit about how they make out sometimes and hey you two, the men of America don’t need played out girl on girl cliches to have wet dreams about Sofia Vergara.
-Shailene and Ansel win for best kiss and Ansel isn’t even there. Hey guys act like you’ve heard of MTV before…the fans only vote for the two that they want to see mack it up onstage. What a buzzzkillllll. Even worse, Shailene says, “If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to kiss your brother, it’s kinda great.” To erase this memory I give you the best MTV Movie Best Kiss acceptance of ALL TIME:
-An entire performance called Drop That Kitty with far too many cat references to vaginas. The uncomfortable police were called several times to shield my eyes and my ears from this.
-John Green accepts the award for The Fault in Our Stars, admits he had nothing to do with the making of the movie, loses his chill for several minutes and tugs at his hair a lot then doesn’t let the actual director or producers of the film speak and also forgets to thank them. Solid effort.
Full List of Winners:
Female Performance- Shailene Woodley, The Fault in Our Stars
Scared as Shit Performance-Jennifer Lopez
Trailblazer Award- Shailene Woodley
Comedic Performance- Channing Tatum
Generation Award- Robert Downey Jr.
Best Duo- Dave Franco & Zac Efron
Best Kiss- Shailene Woodley & Ansel Elgort
Male Performance- Bradley Cooper
Comedic Genius- Kevin Hart
Movie of the Year- The Fault in Our Stars
This tweet sums up the night perfectly:
Zac Efron and the cast of 'Magic Mike XXL' in the same room and neither is shirtless. Nothing makes sense. #MTVMovieAwards#MovieAwards@MTV
Totes wasn’t going to do a best/worst dressed for this awards show but then I saw too many looks worthy of blogging, so here we are. MTV award shows generally means that everyone thinks they can dress zany, which usually goes horribly.
Worst Dressed:
Bai Ling. No. no. no. Apparently she called this creature her boyfriend. Sounds about right.
Charli XCX keeping it weird as always with this rain jacket sitch. Not even her worst outfit.
Hey we get it Emily, you got famous for shaking your tits to Blurred Lines, we can Youtube it…we don’t need to always see them.
Speaking of having their rack on display, Farrah’s boobs that she purchased with a loan from the bank.
I can honestly say that I don’t like one single aspect of this outfit.
Jessie J usually looks like a smoke and for whatever reason her stylist dressed her as a middle aged DMV employee going to a steak dinner in Milwaukee.
I think this is a denim tube top. We can’t really call it a dress when it doesn’t even cover her hoo-ha. Either way, puke.
This individual’s name is Machine Gun Kelly. Knowing that, the pose and outfit all make perfect sense.
I want to love the bold suit choice but this is just too clown for me.
Quick beach day, bruh.
I love Shai but I’ve seen her look 1 trillion times better. Not into the mom jeans and mixed patterns. Def into her side braid.
Best Dressed:
The Host herself pulling off the sassy updos and tight black minis all night long. Crushed it.
Is Anders Holm dressed kinda like a dad with those sneaks? Yeah but he looks adorbs, so I let him cruise onto the Best Dressed.
These colors are so springy and fab. Anna Camp knows how to dress fun without looking outrageous. Also my fave look of the night I think.
Just zany enough but not too much to be wearing Godzilla on your body
I’ve never been in love with Pink and Red but this is so simple that it works.
Love the outfit, hate the slicked hair.
JLo actually covered up a little more nipple, no?
Miles Teller is SO cool guy in this outfit.
Natt Wolf sneaky coming for the title of Cool Guy. Just needs some shades on that v neck.
YES. Rebel owns this hot pink cape.
ScarJo going modest and looking like a summer peach.
1. Tyra Banks/Eve buzzed her head. EVE’S GREAT NO MATTER WHERE SHE GOES, DRESS HER UP FROM HER HEAD TO HER TOES. No seriously the only reason I’m ever reporting anything about Ty-Ty is because it gives me an excuse to shout it out to Eve from critically acclaimed film Lifesize and also post the infamous Tyra meltdown from America’s Next Top Model. Happy Friday folks. It’s the little things that get me through the day. Actually though I think that Tyra Banks is Eve the human Barbie doll and genuinely got this haircut so she could be a business woman because her quote she gave to People about the big snip is that it makes her feel like a “futuristic businesswoman.” Shine bright, shine far. BE A BUSINESSWOMAN WITH A PIXIE.
2. Selena will be brought back as a creepy hologram to tour. Call me wacky, but I’m just the type of person that wouldn’t pay money to see a dead person reincarnated as a digital image singing in concert. Seriously though can we cut the shit with the hologram biz and just let the dead R.I.P? Selena’s sis Suzette said “By no means is this something that’s creepy or weird.” Hey Suze, that’s EXACTLY what this is. You’re trying to get singers to collaborate with a dead person for fresh material to get new fans for someone who is no longer living. This is the definition of creepy and weird. More importantly, I really hope the hologram will have an updated style.
3. Jennie Garth is engaged…not to Dylan. Damn it Kelly, I really thought you and Dylan would be married by now. JK guys, just a little 90210 humor for ya. I think I had too much coffee this morning. Whatever. I took the Jennie Garth/Peter Falcinelli divorce pretty hard, which is probably weird but whatever they seemed like a fab couple. HOWEVER I’m happy to see that she has moved on because she’s still a dime piece so congrats Kelly Taylor.
4. Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt Go OG.
MIC DROP. I watched the first episode of this show like I said I would and there was way too much LL Cool J lip licking and not enough John Krasinski–well his wife threw DOWN this week and convinced me even more that they’re one of the coolest couples in Hollwood. They can hang. Even Anne Hathaway tried not to be the most hated and stepped her game up, get it in those leather pants girl. A+ all around.
5. The Longest Ride comes out this weekend and if you’re female you’ll probably like it….because:
If you had ever previously questioned that Rayna James, hair full of secrets, isn’t the Beyonce of Nashville, then this episode is for you. For all the Rayna doubters, let’s see you make up excuses for Rayna clearing someone of murder, delivering a baby and still getting home in time to tuck her daughters into bed. All in a day’s work.
Sadie is under fire this week (not literally) from the Nashville PD for killing her ex-husband. It seems that Sadie saying on national TV that Pete wouldn’t get away with it PLUS owning an unregistered firearm just doesn’t add up so well. Instead of using her one phone call to snag a lawyer, she calls Rayna James, and you know what, after seeing Rayna take down a whole record label, I absolutely understand the logic of calling her to get out of murder charges.
Coincidentally, on the SAME day that Sadie decided to have a little parking garage shoot-up, Juliette planned an A-List baby shower, hosted by Rayna, obv. Unfortunately everyone famous bails (which conveniently allows Juliette to pretend she’s close with Miranda, Kacey and Carrie without ABC actually shelling out the big bucks for their appearances.) With red lips and side braid on fleek, Juliette has a meltdown, throws shit and rips Rayna a new one when she shows up. She shouts about being a low priority, “Somewhere below your precious little label and your stupid perfect hair.” OH NO SHE DIDN’T! Rayna loses her chill and tells Juliette to shut the hell up, which obviously forces Juliette to unload her amniotic juices all over the floor. All it takes is a Rayna hair flip and you’re going into labor. Don’t poke the beast, girl.
In problems that Rayna cannot solve with just one look, Gunnar is being a bitter bitch about Scarlett getting some. He calls her a loose goose for sleeping with the doc so soon and they have it out over him dating her bestie and her turning down the proposal. Rayna stomps one foot, the bus lurches and Gunnar and Scarlett are tossed into each other’s arms. Avery has to skedaddle to have a baby so the ole trusty duo is revived for lots of sexual tension onstage. It wasn’t my favorite song the two of them have done, they seemed to be drowned out by the music but Gunnar seems to think he can serenade Scarlett and they’ll fall into bed together. Hey Gunnar, we endured a whole season of you two crooning with sex eyes before you even kissed so let’s not jump the gun here (pun intended.) PS Scarlett burns him later and says all she felt was music.
Speaking of guns, Sadie spends the whole day after she’s released looking really terrible and being a little melodramats about finishing her record from jail. Turns out she is clear of all charges thanks to her boy Luke who didn’t want to spark things up with a convicted murderer, I guess. And with the biggest upset of the century, Sadie decides it’s time to hit the road and leave town to think about what she’s done. I’d like to personally ask the writers why they felt the need to add a useless character with a lame storyline and when they FINALLY spice it up with a little gun play and BFF betrayal love affair, they send her packing. For shame. I have a sly feeling she’ll be back though after she gives Luke an intimate hug goodbye before she chucks them deuces.
Finally, our “in case you missed it” piece of the episode, Deacon is DYING. Maddie is handling it by slamming her door like he just told her she can’t go to the mall and calling Teddy to come get her NOW. Daphne is handling it by asking what cancer feels like. These two are real peas in a pod. Teddy and Deacon have a moment when Deac tells Teddy that he is basically a skeleton walking this earth and it’s so heartwarming that it almost makes us forget that Teddy is currently blackmailing someone for half a mill so he can get his prostitute a one way ticket to Sleazeville where I assume her mouth will be duct taped shut.
If that image didn’t give you the warm and fuzzies, baby Javery (ew) has finally arrived and Juliette’s side braid is still fully intact after giving birth. She’s obviously trying to give Rayna’s locks a run for their money. Avery and Juliette sing a lullaby to their new little bundle and it’s so gagworthy and the harmonizing is so unrealistic for a quick baby sing-along that I actually laughed out loud. They leave us with a cliffhanger because they’ve finally decided what to name the baby but the general public clearly hasn’t finished voting on a name. GET TO WORK SO WE CAN FIND OUT HOW STUPID IT IS.
Do you hear what I hear? The chorus of Shut the F Up’s and F You’s all at a screeching decibel! Are we observing the bathroom line at a seedy club? Nope, just week two of the Housewives reunion. I’m gonna be up front with you guys, because that’s what I do best…this shit is getting exhauuuuusting to watch. Fortunately, Rinna knew that and provided some much needed hands in the air dance moves this week to keep me sane.
Speaking of Emmy’s let’s talk about Eileen and why she felt it was necessary to point out how normal and great her life is every time there wasn’t an opportunity to. We kick things off with an obnoxious montage of Eileen talking about her Emmy, and like soap operas and stuff. Andy tongue in cheek points out how different it must’ve been to do Housewives, har-har. Throughout the rest of this installment, Eileen tells us that her husband assures her she’s not a home wrecker, she’s a homemaker, cause she has a GREAT family and she’s BFF’s with his ex-wife. Her sons have been doing their own laundry and DISHES since they were 13. When Rinna is asked about her humble upbringing, Eileen is quick to jump in, twirl her hair and say well, Andy, I also had a humble upbringing. No one really cared so she then shouted, I drive…I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS. (Fans of Best of Will Ferrell SNL will get that one) JK she drives a Ford Flex, but she mind’s well have told the ladies that she drives a windowless rape van by the way they reacted to this, especially Lisa who owns 3 Bentley’s just to look at. Moral of the story is that Eileen has an Emmy and you bitches don’t.
There’s more Brandi vs. Eileen and the rehashing of the wine toss…yawn. Brandi is still just hurling insults with no legs to stand on, Eileen drops to her level for a second and throws an F-U her way and seriously do Emmy-winning actresses talk like that? I hope Vincent washed her mouth out with homemade soap later (get it…cause like she’s a homemaker, not home wrecker.)
This fight escalates into including everyone, as it is known to do and suddenly switches to a Brandi vs. Rinna battle. Apparently Rinna jokingly said Brandi dressed like a trashy mom (valid) and Brandi fires back with a dig about Rinna having the same hairstyle for 20 years (also valid). The best part about this whole exchange is that Andy loses his I’m going to pretend to take these stupid problems seriously for one more hour facade and bursts out laughing. All it takes is a well placed hair joke to get Andy to crack. I don’t hate it. I also don’t hate Rinna launching off the couch wiggling those bony hips of hers, throwing her fists in the air and yelling to Brandi that she’s the biggest F’ing double standard she’s ever seen in her life and then flipping the double bird. She also sets the record for most times someone can use the word baby in a condescending way and owns up to never changing that feathered mom hairstyle of hers. She’s proud of it, baby. Rinna wins the reunion.
The outright L7 Weenie’s of the reunion are Brandi and Kim who spitfire a bunch of lies and then promptly are proven wrong by that ole thing called evidence in the form of YOU WERE ON A TV SHOW AND WE FILMED EVERYTHING YOU SAID. Kim recants her tale of Poker Night and it’s basically all completely wrong, she also says she took the pill because she had bronchitis/pneumonia for 6-8 weeks. Ummmm, methinks if you’re sick for almost 2 months it’s probably time to see a doc. And this is coming from someone who avoids doctors…Anyway, Kim thought they were offering her pizza on poker night to trap her to acting like a slob kebab in front of the cameras, everyone hurls F bombs at each other, Kim tells Rinna to go eat and Rinna demands to know what the dirt is on her husband. She once again asks if he banged the dog–time to find your chill on that, Rinna. Kim said she would never slander anyone, but she heard something in the rumor mill about Harry so it’s like obviously true. Andy forces Kim to apologize to Eileen for calling her a beast otherwise she won’t get any ice cream after dinner. She throws a sorry Eileen’s way and Andy is pleased until she firmly declares she will never apologize to Rinna. Kids these days.
Rounding out this week’s hot mess of shouting, Kim and Kyle start in on their 500 years of issues (to be continued next week), Kim compares Kyle to Kathy once again…to which Rinna interrupts, “is Kathy God?” HOW DARE YOU QUESTION GOD’S EXISTENCE IN KATHY HILTON, RINNA. And apparently Kim disinvited Kyle to her daughter’s wedding, Kyle starts the waterworks talking about how much she loves her nieces and then completely UNPROVOKED shouts “YOU’RE SO F-ING MEAN, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.” Thank you, Kyle, thank you for being you.
1. The Bieber Roast was surprisingly entertaining. Look, we all hate Justin Bieber and know that this was an aggress PR move so that he can try to salvage his career after being a real d-bag for 3 years now. I went into the roast expecting it to be Biebz being obnoxious and a bunch of comedians who were paid to be there and didn’t want to be. It turned out to be pretty good, mostly because the comedians/mish mash of characters that showed up didn’t even spend that much time roasting Bieber and giving him the attention he so clearly needs, they roasted each other waaayyyy better. Overall winners are definitely Natasha Leggero who crushed it and Hanibal Burress–this is also obviously biased because they’re the two that very clearly showed they hated Bieber. I always respect the hell out of comedians who are told they have to say something nice at the end of their roast and literally struggle to fake it. I’m pretty sure Natasha just told Biebs that things will probably get better. Hannibal said Biebs seemed like a sharp business man. If you didn’t catch it Monday night, I recommend it for some laughs, I also recommend that you skip the last 10 minutes when Bieber takes the time to thank God and beg for forgiveness. Yuck. Get outta here. Bonus Points: Shaq literally picking Kevin Hart up and spanking him like a small child. Easily the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen and yet the internet couldn’t make it into a gif. Pretty selfish.
2. Week three of Zayn spitting in the face of 1D fans. His new solo song was released and now the heat IS ON.
C’mon Zayn, cut it out. For Harry. (PS the song sucks.)
3. Hova banded all of the billionaire musicians together to create Tidal, a music listening service where rich singers get more money for you to listen to their music. This week they made a big deal on social media, changing their avatars to a blue square and talking about equality for all artists and then they held a huge press conference with all of the superstars to say, please start emptying your pockets for our music, commoners. No disrespect (cause Illuminati) but there is NO way I would start paying a monthly fee to listen to music. I think paying over $100 for a concert ticket in the nose bleeds is criminal enough as it is. But what do I know, I’m obviously not the genius who put a helmet on, added plates for mouse ears and started cashing in on beatz.
4. LUDA is back in my life. He’s doing press for Furious 7 and his new album LUDAversal and damnit I missed him. Remember the disgusting song Fantasy that was about lickin? I do, because Cin and I just jammed to it road trip style with rapper hands. Good news is that he did an acoustic version with the Roots this week. BACK SEAT, WINDOWS UP.
5. Paul Walker’s brother, Cody looks like this.
Have a good Easter weekend thinking of those baby blues.
We’ve returned to the very moment we left off at, and my predictions a few weeks ago of stuck in a rut and wait for it story lines are starting to come true…and some of them sooner than expected. I called out Rayna and Deacon and said they better get a penetration session in before Deacon dies and Nashville was obviously like WE HEARD! But more on that later, gotta keep you guys reading somehow. Let’s spark things off with the TRIPLE EXES.
The Triple Exes have hit the road to open for Rascal Flatts and coincidentally their first stop is the same exact city where Scarlett cowered under a piano and shrieked, thus beginning the DRAMATIC “I’m leaving Nashville” story line that inevitably led to her friendship with a homeless person and aggressive downfall of her character’s use on this show. WELL NOT ANYMORE BITCHES. Scarlett is back and she’s here to remind everyone that she can sing without having hallucinations onstage. She’s a little worried on their travels there and scared to perform again but then Gunnar makes it all better by telling her to take a selfie for Twitter. Thanks Gunz, you always know what to do. JUST KITTEN, Gunnar made it worse because then Scarlett discovered that twitter is for trolls who live in their mom’s basement and still use a Gateway desktop computer to tell everyone in the world how ugly they truly are. Scarlett learns this real quick and gets the sadsies for a second, then channels it into a kickass song, duh. Before hitting the stage, Scarlett and Gunnar have a moment and Avery comes over and senses some sexual tension as they stare at each other with their tongues out. Avery’s really astute. They get onstage and perform another banger (Triple Exes win every song this season) while Scarlett tells off those twitter trolls with a mean tambourine hip check. SURPRISE! Dr. Hottie flies to Chicago just to get to third base with Scarlett. Gunnar is pezzzzed and decides to make some moves to get back with her, except when he goes to her hotel room to declare his love, she’s already scampered on over to Dr. Hottie’s suite for a quick check-up.
In other couple news, Layla and Jeff Fordham are doing swimmingly as two lovebirds that also work together HAHA just kidding, they’re a disaster. Jeff forces Layla to interview with a blogger that he’s clearly sacked and when they start flirting at lunch in front of her, Layla causes a scene and says she’s over being just another slam piece to him and Jeffy’s like sorry grl, that’s my steeze. After he realizes Layla’s his meal ticket back to a career, Jeff comes back to apologize and try this thing fo realz. Good thing Layla actually comes to her senses and realizes she only ends up with guys who are incapable of loving her Alanis Morissette ass and tells Jeff they’re done for good except for this whole manager thing, so breaking up but still working together is obviously a great solution and will never ever cause a conflict.
Speaking of conflicts when it comes to the heart, Sadie Stone now wants Luke’s D. She comforts him for being dumped HARD by Rayna and he tells her she’s brave for talking about getting her ass kicked by Pete and suddenly there’s musical sparks and they’re having a dinner together with some hand touching. When he asks if he can walk her to her car she declines but probably instantly regrets it when Petey is waiting for her ready to pounce in a dark parking garage. Good thing Sadie’s packing heat from that very sketchy Jane Doe gun purchase that was probably illegal because he tackles her and she pulls the trigger, probably killing Pete because what’s Nashville without someone dying every few weeks? (Deacon…you’re next…) Luke finds this opportune time to pull up to the scene of the crime and be all WTF. Do you think he’ll comfort her in the wake of this trauma? You bet your bottom dollar, Sadie, congratulations girl because you just earned a spot on this show by killing someone and probably sleeping with your only BFF’s ex-fiancé. And if that isn’t a perfect setup for a country song, I don’t know what is.
Lastly we’ve got the full transformation from Bach Teddy to Guilty Teddy to Slimeball Teddy. It seems as though Teddy is becoming Lamar (Membs him? Rayna’s crotchety dad who was basically the sole member of the Nashville mob.) Teddy hires Lamar’s old creepy henchman to dig around little Ms. Call Girl’s house to confirm that she is in fact being watched. Turns out the feds have been on her tail for weeks forming a case for the prostitution ring and girl hasn’t ever once looked out her front window, seen a rape van and been maybe a LITTLE curious? Nah. She tells Teddy if she gets pinched she’ll sing like a bird and take him down too…unless of course he wants to give her a little hush money to hightail it outta here for a beat. Ah, the old gangster movie cliché. Do it, Teddy. I dare you. Obviously he’s going to do it because he’s a moron, but he’s also poor and gets Fordham in on it by blackmailing him for his money. I can’t wait for all this back door wheelin and dealin to end up on the front page of the Nashville Star, Teddy, you dirty dirty dog.
Ah here we are, the moment we’ve been waiting THREE WHOLE SEASONS FOR. Seriously, that’s how long we’ve shipped a Deacon-Rayna porking. Good God, for a show that kills off a new character every season, they sure as hell move slow. But we already knew that didn’t we? I’m looking at you, Will “I’m still hiding the gay” Lexington. But I digress, we pick up with Rayna and Deacon at the house in the woods sobbing over the cancer and stuff. Rayna promises she’ll be here for him and said she’ll wait with him and they’ll face it together. Deacon’s like nah girl, I’m going solo…to heaven. WAIT IS DEACON DYING?! NO WAAAYYYY! He reminds us again when he throws a child like temper tantrum, stomps his feet and shouts that it’s his decision and he doesn’t want pity or help from Miss Rayna James. He just doesn’t want to put her through that when he’s already put her through a windshield in season 2, heyyooo. Also while we’re discussing rough times for these two, might I so boldly point out that this little cabin or whatever does NOT agree with their hair. Deacon has a super weird middle part sitch and this is one of the very few times I’ve seen Rayna’s mane of glory looking quite drab. Can we get hair and makeup out here right quick? Not the time? Oh, ok. Rayna properly responds to Deacon’s wah-wahing by smashing the shit out of his guitar to show that like cancer is probably more important than music. He Eeyore’s a little more about if he lives they can hang but he probably won’t and finally Rayna says knock it off, YOLO, it’s time for us to be together now that we have a deadline. Then they make out a little and later we’re treated to Rayna’s O face. Thanks for that, ABC. Surprisingly, Maddie didn’t appear in the window with a set of binocs. They go home immediately and tell her and she obviously goes apeshit and they have a nice family hug anddd guess what YOUR DAD IS ALSO DYING. Kind of a harsh day for Mads, huh? Extreme highs and lows like nobody’s biz. Great parenting all around. Don’t worry though everyone will get their happily ever after until Deacon bites it (he won’t.) What we should be MORE concerned about is that Nashville is giving the viewers the power to name Juliette and Avery’s baby. IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS A GOOD IDEA?! BTW their story line this week was all one big ad for Face Time. Hmm, now that I’m thinking of it THAT’S PROBABLY WHAT AMERICA WILL NAME THEIR BABY. Lil baby Face Time. Born to be a star.
The Salty Ju 