You know how this has been three excruciating weeks of a bunch of people who hate each other sitting on couches shouting how much they hate each other? Yeah let’s lighten things up with a montage where everyone touches Kyle’s rack and she shimmies it all over the joint. NICE TRY, Bravo. This still SUCKS. No, no don’t change the channel–let’s discuss how Kyle’s afraid of the word pussy but she’s certainly not afraid of asking how Rinna grooms her downstairs. As if I didn’t force that moment out of my memory the second it happened, a pervy reader wrote in LEGITIMATELY asking what kind of hairstyle Rinna’s lady curtains are sporting these days. Rinna confirms that she DOES in fact trim, much to Harry’s disgust because as Kim so soberly put it in the show, Harry likes it hairy. That’s why Kim got paid the big bucks to do Diving with the Stars, for her original wit and humor. In other vagina related news, Brandi’s still takes an occasional pounding from the 23 year old mover she hired to carry her boxes and then unpack one box in particular, WINK. They only get together when he’s on break from college, though or like when he doesn’t have a paper to write…
Ok enough with the LOL’s about mom’s vaginas, it’s time to hate each other again. Kim is asked if she’s talked to Rinna and squashed beef since the show and Kim theatrically pulls out her iPhone and begins reading text messages from Rinna that she obviously archived specifically for this shining moment. She probably also emailed them to herself and wrote them in her diary, you know, for backup. Rinna threatens Kim in these texts and calls her an ugly, disgusting person and after Kim reads them all aloud like she’s Miss Kimmy reading a children’s book at the library, Rinna bursts into tears. Apparently Rinna was always shushed growing up and it has had a long lasting effect on her so Kim had silenced her too many times and she blew up via angry texts. Kim and Brandi immediately start Team Victim and claim that Rinna has anger issues and they’re terrified she’s going to batter them, drinking up Rinna’s tears with two straws like the milkshake that none of them could finish in the scavenger hunt. Suddenly Red Rover, Red Rover, send Eileen on over, girl can’t even stand sharing the same couch as these two villains so she shoots right over and sits in Rinna’s lap to comfort her. Brandi whispers to her partner in crime to just drop it because Rinna is obviously crazy and Kim puts a serene look on her face much too quickly for her to be a sane person and says ok I’m sorry, Rinna, fight’s over and gives Rinna the boniest hover-hug I’ve ever witnessed. Andy wins quote of the night when he says to Kim, I’m wondering why you’re laughing at her tears.” EVERYONE is wondering this, Andy, but NO ONE will question it or fear the wrath of sociopath Kim and her sidekick Brandi.
And for the last time (should be ever but definitely will not be) we delve into the hyper-complicated, needs years of therapy and probably a few Xanax, issues between the sisters Richards. I like to make jokes about these ladies because they subject themselves to reality TV and then generally act like assholes but I can’t even make jokes about this because it’s actually just gotten sad. These two need actual help and need to stop throwing it up on TV. Apparently Kim’s approach to this reunion is to mention that a lot of things have transpired off camera and she does not wish to discuss them today. Kyle’s like whatevs I’ll talk about them and tells the story of how Kingsley bit Kyle’s daughter on Halloween and apparently she Instagrammed a pic from the hospital but never referenced Kim or her dog as the cause for the trip. Well fans of the show have seen what a nightmare of a dog Kingsley was and used the brains that we don’t normally use while watching this train wreck of a show and figured it out all on their own. Kim loses her shit because a Valencia filter on a hospital pic ruined her family and her life and Kyle’s like well my daughter almost lost her hand and was hooked up to an IV for three weeks. Kim gets nasty and says that it was just a bite and that Kyle is now resurfacing this and making it worse, what’s making it better in my opinion is that post-production added in the actual instagrams that Kyle posted and it’s quite a nice touch to be able to cut to those while the sisters Richards are both screaming that each of them is a mean person and everything is SO PAINFUL and they’re sick of it and they both threaten to leave but don’t move an inch. Kim gets her “scary voice” (according to Rinna) and starts up again with the threats to tell the REAL story of what happened apparently involving Kyle not giving her daughter the antibiotics for two days thus causing the almost hand-amputation incident. So I guess all that blubber about not discussing stuff on camera was something Kim really wanted to stick to. Oh just kidding, she reverted back to that when Andy asked where Kingsley is now and she sketchily replied that he’s with a trainer but then crossed her fingers as she said it and when pressed on the topic shouted KINGSLEY IS OFF LIMITS JUST LIKE MY CHILDREN, HE’S LIKE A SON TO ME. So clearly Kingsley is stowed away in Kim’s house and Kim is host of a house containing a rabid, vicious dog and a dying ex husband who shares pills with her. And there you have it, a lifetime of issues bubbles into the silent treatment between two sisters because Kyle ‘grammed something and Kim didn’t “like” it. Lisa jumps in with a touch of wisdom in crazy town to say that things need to be resolved so that these two don’t look back on their lives and wonder why they weren’t there for each other at milestone moments. Brandi declares she’s washing her hands of this mess and they need to fix it because she never meant to break up a family.
In closing, Andy asks everyone how they’re feeling and the responses are depressing AF. Kyle’s sad, Kim’s sad, Eileen is like yeah maybe we shouldn’t talk about my contract for next season just yet, Rinna’s like NO RAGRETS (Tim Riggins style) and Lisa is sad for Kyle and Kim. What a downer, Andy…we couldn’t have ended with the nipple touching montage? Geeze. Since unlike Bravo, I don’t like to exhaust viewers with awful fighting and then end with the feeling that I wasted days of my life watching the lives of these women unravel on national TV, I’ll end with a funny. At one moment in the reunion, Kyle admits that in a rage blackout she doesn’t even remember double birding her sister and screaming FU at a party and Kim takes this moment to give an aside to Eileen, “yeah that’s totally what happened to me in Amsterdam when I called you a beast, lawls, I didn’t even remember doing it sorry!!” And Eileen threw her SUCH a look it was a light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel that was this season. Eileen may wear bucket hats and tinted shades, but she will NEVER let you get away with such a bullshit excuse. Also, Rinna wins the crown for most F bombs in a season and sassily tells Brandi (who she ripped the honor from) “I’ll put a crown on my 20 year old hairdo.” And with that, I put a crown on this season. No, scratch that…crowns are for winners and this season was a loser. I put the opposite of a crown on this season. It went from 0 to 100 real quick and it became a chore to tune into the dark, deep fights that happened every time they were socialized. Fingers crossed they switch up the cast next season (Kim/Kyle/Brandi should be the first to get tossed) or I might have to move my talents onto another city. Just kidding, all Bravo really needs to do is bring back Camille and I’d probs be all in again. Final offer. And for those wondering if I’ll be recapping their plea for more views, next week’s Secrets Revealed epi, I’ve seen my fair share of secrets this episode and I’m hashtag over it. This is my final Bev Hillz Recap. Try not to miss me TOO much.