Since I know you’ve spent all week AGONIZING about what the future little diva of Nashville was named, the wait is finally over. Her name is Cadence, and she won’t stop wailing. Get it guys, cause like cadence is also a musical term and this show is about music and the writers are all about letting the general public do their job. They probably sat around the writers’ room and were like hmm, we can’t decide on a name for this baby that everyone won’t make fun of, let’s make our fans decide so we don’t take the heat if it sucks. Well anyway, back to Cadence the screaming infant. Avery read somewhere that babies like to be shushed so he shushes the little biddy and peaces out to be with the band leaving Juliette to glare at this screeching little metaphor for a musical phrase. Girl’s, makin music, alright.

Little miss insufferable teen, Maddie used to make music but now she just makes sweet, sweet puppy love to her boyfriend Colt. After Rayna catches them playing tonsil hockey, this time not as almost-siblings, Rayna goes to Luke to talk about it and he’s like yeah I’ve been supervising their mack seshes for weeks at the ranch, NBD. They have date plans to see pop star Jade St. John in concert and Rayna’s like uh-uh, honey because Maddie’s being a real dick and tells Rayna she doesn’t respect her.

Xtina throws on a wild pink wig and suddenly becomes Jade St. John. WHAT A NAME. Cotton candy head Jade apparently used to be engaged to Jeff Fordham and I’m guessing he turned her into a pop star and she was like I’ll take it from here, see ya later alligator. Now Layla wants to open up for Jade and Jeff has to come crawling back asking for a favor, showing us a softer side of the perpetually slimy Jeffster. It seems that Frenchy broke his little plastic heart and since she feels bad about how his life is a shithole now, she throws him a bone and lets Layla open for her.

In Deacon’s weekly meltdown about the CANCER that he HAS…Juliette recruits him to write a song for the Pasty Kline movie credits that she agreed to do in a day because she obviously has nothing better to do. Deacon sucks at songwriting now because he’s probably more concerned with staying alive or something. Juliette calls him out on it so he storms out and cries about how all anyone talks about is his CANCER. Then Maddie tells him that she always goes over to the ranch because Deacon is depressing AF and finally Deacon has a baby breakthrough and apologizes to Rayna for being a whiney pants and says, “Right now I’m pretty sick of being sick.” Yeah SAMESIES, DEACON. CUT IT OUT, WILL YA? Rayna tells him to bring Maddie (who also apologized) to the concert so that she can be rewarded with front row seats at a pop concert for her snotty behavior.

Gunnar, also in a snotty mood since Scarlett’s getting some and he’s not the one giving it, coins a nickname for her boyfriend—Dr. Dork. Hey Gunnar, why don’t you leave the nicknames to me, alright? Dr. Hottie and Scarlett are still mingling even though the duet of sexual tension went viral on YouTube and it’s all anyone can talk about. The Triple X’s get interviewed and all the guy wants to know is about Scarlett/Gunnar and Avery is only known as Juliette’s baby daddy. Yiiikez. They decide to throw a party where Gunnar wears a disgusting fedora and I’m wondering how exactly he thinks he’s going to win Scarlett over looking like an old-timer park ranger. Scarlett is as dry as the Sahara desert when she sees Gunnar so this is probably going nowhere for right now, which is good because Gunnar needs to shape up and stop acting like such a wiener. They play another fire flames song, which is really par for the course for them at this point—when are they just going to release a full album so I can binge?

At Frenchy’s concert across town, Rayna finds out that Layla hired Jeffy as her manager and kicks him while he’s down, telling him that Layla will soon enough realize he’s a dirt bag and fire him. OoOh WATCH YO BACK FORDHAM. Xtina, I mean, Jade, does what she should actually be doing because her acting is real sub-par and sings Beauty School Dropout jams out a banger, owning the stage even though she’s wearing an original costume from Hocus Pocus. Backstage things get super serious when Deacon tells Luke that he is a dead man walking and Luke’s like shiiitt now I’ve gotta be nice to you. They shake hands like men and Deacon for the first time says he’s going to beat this and it’s no biggie, which was much needed news because maybe it means Debbie Downer is done making appearances in Nashville.

While everyone is out party, party, hardy, Juliette is at home with that SPAWN Cadence. She’s trying to write this song and that kid of hers is really cock blocking her creative juices. Avery stops in just to tell her he’s going out to play a show and that Juliette cannot come with. Left alone with the screamer, she definitely thinks about murdering it but instead hires a nanny so that her kid survives the night. Avery comes home and sees someone actually adoring their child who is certainly not his wife and is a little peeved she hired a nanny without his permish. Juliette ends up taking off for LA to present the song and Avery is forced to quit the Triple X’s so that his baby has at least one parent because even though Juliette makes a women empowering, feminist statement about how we have it all figured out, what she really means is that she’s figured out that she doesn’t want to be a mom…whoopsie!

In the land of the still locked tight in the closet, Will wants to ask his writing partner out, you know the one that he homophobically slammed before he met him, funny how the tables have turned. Will acts like a real pansy about asking him out and storms out when he sees him talking to someone else. In the end, they hang (inside, shades drawn) and make out a little bit, and Will is probably definitely absolutely not going to keep this a secret and then flip out and ruin things. Nope, not Will.

And Teddy…Teddy the naïve little cub who thinks that he can pay off a prostitute with dirty money and then hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s back to normal life I go, is about to have a rude awakening. His prosty demands to get half a mill in cold hard cash and Teddy’s like okey dokey, Smokey. Turns out the hooker DIDN’T have a heart of gold and has been working with the FBI to hand over Teddy in return for her immunity. Hope the sex was worth it Bach Teddy, cause it’s about to go DOWN. Now that Sadie the murderer is gone, we could use a little scandal in Nashville, and I for one cannot wait.