Do you hear what I hear? The chorus of Shut the F Up’s and F You’s all at a screeching decibel! Are we observing the bathroom line at a seedy club? Nope, just week two of the Housewives reunion. I’m gonna be up front with you guys, because that’s what I do best…this shit is getting exhauuuuusting to watch. Fortunately, Rinna knew that and provided some much needed hands in the air dance moves this week to keep me sane.
Speaking of Emmy’s let’s talk about Eileen and why she felt it was necessary to point out how normal and great her life is every time there wasn’t an opportunity to. We kick things off with an obnoxious montage of Eileen talking about her Emmy, and like soap operas and stuff. Andy tongue in cheek points out how different it must’ve been to do Housewives, har-har. Throughout the rest of this installment, Eileen tells us that her husband assures her she’s not a home wrecker, she’s a homemaker, cause she has a GREAT family and she’s BFF’s with his ex-wife. Her sons have been doing their own laundry and DISHES since they were 13. When Rinna is asked about her humble upbringing, Eileen is quick to jump in, twirl her hair and say well, Andy, I also had a humble upbringing. No one really cared so she then shouted, I drive…I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS. (Fans of Best of Will Ferrell SNL will get that one) JK she drives a Ford Flex, but she mind’s well have told the ladies that she drives a windowless rape van by the way they reacted to this, especially Lisa who owns 3 Bentley’s just to look at. Moral of the story is that Eileen has an Emmy and you bitches don’t.
There’s more Brandi vs. Eileen and the rehashing of the wine toss…yawn. Brandi is still just hurling insults with no legs to stand on, Eileen drops to her level for a second and throws an F-U her way and seriously do Emmy-winning actresses talk like that? I hope Vincent washed her mouth out with homemade soap later (get it…cause like she’s a homemaker, not home wrecker.)
This fight escalates into including everyone, as it is known to do and suddenly switches to a Brandi vs. Rinna battle. Apparently Rinna jokingly said Brandi dressed like a trashy mom (valid) and Brandi fires back with a dig about Rinna having the same hairstyle for 20 years (also valid). The best part about this whole exchange is that Andy loses his I’m going to pretend to take these stupid problems seriously for one more hour facade and bursts out laughing. All it takes is a well placed hair joke to get Andy to crack. I don’t hate it. I also don’t hate Rinna launching off the couch wiggling those bony hips of hers, throwing her fists in the air and yelling to Brandi that she’s the biggest F’ing double standard she’s ever seen in her life and then flipping the double bird. She also sets the record for most times someone can use the word baby in a condescending way and owns up to never changing that feathered mom hairstyle of hers. She’s proud of it, baby. Rinna wins the reunion.
The outright L7 Weenie’s of the reunion are Brandi and Kim who spitfire a bunch of lies and then promptly are proven wrong by that ole thing called evidence in the form of YOU WERE ON A TV SHOW AND WE FILMED EVERYTHING YOU SAID. Kim recants her tale of Poker Night and it’s basically all completely wrong, she also says she took the pill because she had bronchitis/pneumonia for 6-8 weeks. Ummmm, methinks if you’re sick for almost 2 months it’s probably time to see a doc. And this is coming from someone who avoids doctors…Anyway, Kim thought they were offering her pizza on poker night to trap her to acting like a slob kebab in front of the cameras, everyone hurls F bombs at each other, Kim tells Rinna to go eat and Rinna demands to know what the dirt is on her husband. She once again asks if he banged the dog–time to find your chill on that, Rinna. Kim said she would never slander anyone, but she heard something in the rumor mill about Harry so it’s like obviously true. Andy forces Kim to apologize to Eileen for calling her a beast otherwise she won’t get any ice cream after dinner. She throws a sorry Eileen’s way and Andy is pleased until she firmly declares she will never apologize to Rinna. Kids these days.
Rounding out this week’s hot mess of shouting, Kim and Kyle start in on their 500 years of issues (to be continued next week), Kim compares Kyle to Kathy once again…to which Rinna interrupts, “is Kathy God?” HOW DARE YOU QUESTION GOD’S EXISTENCE IN KATHY HILTON, RINNA. And apparently Kim disinvited Kyle to her daughter’s wedding, Kyle starts the waterworks talking about how much she loves her nieces and then completely UNPROVOKED shouts “YOU’RE SO F-ING MEAN, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.” Thank you, Kyle, thank you for being you.