Winter Watch List

My seasonal sads have hit an all-time high. Bad news for me, great news for all of you because I’m about to download every piece of entertainment I’ve consumed in my several weeks of couch rotting. If you have a well-rounded work and social life, and therefore don’t have time to keep up with all of the streaming services releasing movies and series each week, I GOTCHU. I’ll give you a brief (as brief as I can be) description of each title and why you should or should not waste your time and then you can make your own decisions like a grown-up. I am simply the messenger. And the harshest of critics, obviously.

SKIP

Torching 2024: A Roast of the Year – Netflix

They let Roastmaster Jeff Ross gather up his gang of buddies and do a roast of the Year 2024 on Netflix. It was incredibly bad. Save yourself from this random collection of comedians making mid jokes about people we’re already tired of hearing about. Netflix tried to ride that Brady roast magic with like 1/4 of the talent, and it showed. Extra cringe for comedian Tim Dillon doing an entire bit as the dead healthcare CEO. You know, the one who was brutally murdered in broad daylight and everyone was like good for that babe soda who offed him, hope he gets away with it because his mugshot ate and left no crumbs. Our society is so f*cked.

Paris & Nicole: The Encore – Peacock

It pains my sweet, sweet, nostalgic millennial heart to declare this a fail but holy crap it was. I cannot even begin to describe what a canon event of my youth it was to watch Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton not only create reality TV, but interact with poors on camera. When I heard the promos that they were making a comeback as adults, I was foaming at the mouth to see what they’d cook up. Nothing. The answer is nothing. They did way too many episodes with 0 storyline. The “premise” was that they wanted to create an opera based on their made-up song Sanasa. Getting through this and not wanting to blow my brains out every time they sang Sanasa (9 million times) was honestly a Christmas miracle. Guess I’ll go back to getting my Hilton fix through Kathy driving around Bev Hills in a bucket hat to invite the ladies on a girls trip via suitcase.

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It Ends With Us – Netflix

If you’re wondering what the movie that has created the MOST controversy amongst its cast was like, the answer is a swift BAD. Would they have needed to make this much of a stink if this movie was actually good? Probs not. I’ll preface this review by saying I read both books, so I wasn’t going in blind to the story. If you’re not as well-read as me (you uncultured swine), you might possibly still be able to stomach this movie. But from someone who knew the story, this movie did not do it justice. Here are my biggest gripes: 1. As with most books turned into movies, they had no time to include all of the details. This felt like the story was set to Fast Forward. As a viewer, I had no time to process anything that was happening because we were just zooming through things that needed to simmer or be explained. I felt like half the movie was montages. 2. What the ACTUAL HELL WAS WARDROBE THINKING?! I have never in my life seen a more horrific collection of outfits than I did with Blake’s character Lily. Her hair was MASSIVE. Like comically big for a white woman. And for whatever reason (with no attachment to what her character was actually like) she dressed like a bag lady sponsored by Carhartt. She’d have on a crop and weird baggy pants and then drop an oversized men’s khaki Carhartt over the top. Each outfit was more horrific than the last and honestly I may never recover from what my eyes were subjected to.

Your Friend, Nate Bargatze – Netflix

Nate is one of my favorite comedians and I do give extra credit to comedians who consistently come up with funny, CLEAN material. This is his 4th special and gotta be honest, it fell kinda flat for me. Obviously there were still moments where I laughed, but I definitely remember laughing more in his other Netflix specials (and his one on Amazon.) Comedy is subjective, and as far as comedians go, Nate is a great pick for standups that are widely appreciated and family friendly, so I’ll leave it up to you if you want to check it out, but also maybe just hit them all up. Do a quadruple feature of Nate whenever you’re in need of the HaHa’s.

Carry On-Netflix

Ok so this movie wasn’t BAD, it was just too damn stressful for me. I don’t think my heart stopped racing until a full hour after it ended. So, not really the top pick for when you want to unwind after a stressful Christmas and just rot mindlessly on the couch. Tough stuff, lesson learned. Jason Bateman is the GOAT of using sarcasm perfectly even in a role where he’s basically a terrorist. My dude can make any character likeable. Other than that, we’ve got a real mod podge of kinda shitty actors rounding out the cast. Definitely lots of suspending belief in this high-paced thriller, but again, if you’d like to check if your ticker still works, give this one a go. Also, don’t watch if you already have anxiety about flying…cause this will FOR SURE ratchet that up another notch.

Laid – Peacock

This is a new original dark comedy series on Peacock and so far there’s just one season, 8 episodes. It’s one of those shows where the lead is messy and you’re supposed to root for her anyway. I didn’t. I wanted bad shit to keep happening to her narcissistic ass. The series follows Ruby as she quickly learns that her exes are all dying and her bestie teams up with her to find out why. Girl has a body count higher than Britani’s hair suggests. This joke will only land with viewers of Real Housewives of SLC, and yet I still needed to make it. It honestly got hard to watch someone who sucks so bad, somehow have landed that many men and continue to reel in even more hotties. Of course season 1 ended on a cliffhanger and for a second I debated getting sucked in whenever it eventually gets renewed. BUT NO. I will stand strong.

Girls Gone Wild: The Untold Story – Peacock

We all know what Girls Gone Wild is. Some of you pervs know better than others. This is a three part series breaking down the rise of Girls Gone Wild and the downfall of Joe Francis, who has been hiding out in Mexico for like 5 years now. I got excited when it declared that Joe Francis himself agreed to be interviewed for this doc, until in the first few minutes they shared that he only allowed audio recording and a few pictures. Um, why are we making visual content out of an audio interview? RELEASE IT AS A PODCAST, DUMMIES. I have very little patience for documentaries that don’t have anything for my eyes to consume. This happens a lot with true crime docs as they physically don’t have footage of what they’re talking about half the time and being forced to look at the same pictures, scenic shots, or even worse, REENACTMENTS is truly a punishment for viewers. They were able to add in interviews with other people and of course, a whole bunch of girlies flashing their blurred titties to cover the fact that they couldn’t show the man actually talking, but it definitely got irritating. I definitely don’t think this is must-watch material. If you’d like the quick and dirty summary of the message it’s this: Joe Francis is a piece of shit, and also a pathological liar. Pretty much all of the girls who participated in his porn were coerced to do so, and a very large sampling of them were underaged. He traumatized too many women to count and also believes he is in fact, the victim.

Sweethearts – Max

I fell for this one. It was the ole bait & switch trailer. I laughed a few times at the trailer and it seemed like this was a story about two besties ditching their high school partners for each other. About 30 minutes into this flick, I realized I was sold a bag of shit and that’s not at all what the movie was about and also it was terribly unfunny. It was a cross between a movie that takes place all in one night with a bunch of stupid hijinks that derail them (not at all what was advertised) and like a heavy “it’s ok to be gay” coming out storyline with a character that was briefly in the trailer. Total bomb. Which is a bummer because y’all know how I like a teen flick. Two thumbs down.

Martha – Netflix

We’re going back to Oct for this one, and I did actually enjoy it, but I also felt like it was kind of boring. For people who aren’t used to watching docs or aren’t actually interested in Martha Stewart’s story, this can definitely be skipped. I grew up in prison-era Martha and that’s why I found it interesting. I never knew how she got started and it was very cool to see that she was literally being an influencer in the 90’s. Homegirl paved the way for these lil hoochies selling a lifestyle on Instagram. I also am always fascinated by people who can evolve their careers like she did post-scandal. Her attending Bieber’s roast and having a whole second life of her career with Snoop Dogg was kind of a happy accident. She didn’t realize that roasts poke fun at the roasters as well and kind of went in blind and still killed it. Then she got a contact high from Snoop and became besties with him. Martha is a dry, monotone icon and naturally she created this doc so there wasn’t going to be anything scandalous revealed as she’s still going to tell her story as if it was perfectly perfect. Also, we may never know if she actually got an illegal stock tip but I’m choosing to believe she was framed because she was like the richest woman in biz at that time and everyone was foaming at the mouth to see her fall.

WATCH

Shrinking Season 2 – Apple TV

Shrinking dropped season 2 this fall and if you’re not already watching it, get on board and catch up. It’s about a bunch of therapists and their group of friends who are all nuts in their own lovable ways. There’s a million things I love about this show, so I’m going to list some of them. It normalizes therapy, teaching some of the common practices that therapists use, showing great communication, while at the same time shining the light that therapists are JUST as messy as their patients. It’s a phenomenal model of unconditional love and accepting people for who they are, while also lovingly pushing them to be better people. It has that thing that I’m ALWAYS jealous of in shows where a circle of best friends becomes family because I’ve certainly never had that happen in real life, so I enjoy watching it green with envy. It dives into the complexity of grief and all of the different ways people cope with losing someone. And lastly, it’s equal parts funny and gut-wrenching. After finishing season 2 in one day (mostly because I’m cheap and refused to get Apple again so I just used a free weekend to catch up on this gem) I can honestly say I cried just as much as I laughed. And I think each character made me do both. That’s range, baby. And I’m putting it out into the universe that I want a Derek.

Missing You – Netflix

Netflix’s latest adaptation of a Harlan Coben novel, these series are very watch, rinse, repeat detective dramas. I mean, they even use the same British ambiguously hot and mysterious actor in each series. So I’d like to get ahead of the haters and say that the quality of this one is pretty subpar, think Lifetime movie on Netflix, but for me, personally, it scratched my lil thriller itch. Each time I go to the library I take out a chick lit book where two friends fake a marriage and fall in love, and a book with a dark cover titled some variation of The Woman Upstairs. I think you get my point, I like a little trash here and there and this was intriguing enough that I finished it in one sitting. Shocking, I know. If you’d like to watch a detective find out who killed her cop dad while simultaneously trying to solve a couple missing persons cases, and also don’t get squeamish at people literally being held as prisoners in horse stalls on a creepy farm, then you will also whip through this bad boy.

No Good Deed – Netflix

A fun mixture of comedy and whodunnit, this one surprised me. Once you get past all of the weird artistic ‘through the pipes’ shots that they keep shoving down your throats, I guess to unsettle the viewer, you can enjoy this multi-story shitshow. This is a loaded cast and it was fun to bounce around to all the different storylines and see how they all intersected in the end. 8 episodes long, it unravels a family trauma that occurred to main couple Paul and Lydia as they put their house on the market and a bunch of other couples sniff around trying to buy it. Another show that had me both tearing up and giggling. We love an emotional rollercoaster. s/o to Linda Cardellini for putting a clinic on shoving her rock hard boobs into every situation in this show.

I’m Tim – Netflix

Spoiler alert: world famous DJ and producer Avicii died in 2018. So please go into this doc knowing that it does not have a happy ending. Unfortunately, he joined the 28 club and although it’s not the main focus of the story they told, he did struggle with addiction and in the end took his own life. Now I’m going to make this doc about me, as I’m known to do. I was there for the rise of Avicii and boy was it a magical time. His music was upbeat catchy electronic pop and coincided perfectly with my college partying years. Although I was VERY fuzzy on the deets at the time, Levels got big around my junior year of college and you couldn’t go to a party or a bar without that song bringing the house down. I went to an actual rave called the Barstool Blackout, and took the term blackout quite literally, but I still know that I moshed my face off in a sea of neon to the beat dropping on Levels. It looked kinda like this.

Ok, now for everyone over the age of 35, here’s why this was a cool doc: it explains a genre of music that I’ve never understood. People who mix sounds or make beats and tour as DJ’s is a real lost art to me. I’m super judgmental and I’m not afraid to admit I’ve scoffed at people getting paid tons of money to push buttons on a laptop. This doc had a TON of behind the scenes footage of Avicii working and it turns out he was a legit musical genius. It showed how he created a song and then when his sound evolved to include more live music and collaborations, you got to see him working with some of the biggest names in music and everyone was blown away by his talent. He was one of those freaks who could just picture songs in his head and know what worked and what made music sound good. And that for me, was very interesting to watch. So even if you’re a DJ hater like me, if you like music and are intrigued by the process of making music, watch Avicii get in the lab and COOK. Now excuse me while I smash play on my Avicii spotify playlist and relive my glory days of Jersey turnpikin at the clerb.

English Teacher – FX/Hulu

There have been a few wacky series through the years about teachers, one of them literally being called teachers, and I eat that shit up. People who spend every day with children? Friggin saints. So I very much appreciate any series that shows the sarcastic, wild side of teachers. Bonus points for portraying teachers around my age making fun of the youths these days and their stupid phrases. Anyway, the show follows openly gay Evan and his group of teacher besties in Texas. Sure, political stuff gets addressed but in an entertaining and fun way. My favorite part has nothing to do with the show at all but I’ll enlighten all of you TikTok virgins on the lore. Brian Jordan Alvarez is the creator & lead of the show and in order to promote it in the fall, he did one stupid TikTok dance trend that’s actually audio from Gilmore Girls, and then he kept doing it. And then never stopped. For literally every day since this show hit Hulu, Brian Jordan Alvarez has been doing the “I love your daughter” dance and people (me included) watch every single one. All the girlies wish he was straight every time he lifts that leg for “good lovin daily.” (There are currently 82 of these videos, which could make for a real wild Friday night for a single gal. I’m not here to judge. You’re welcome.)

@brianjordanalvarez
Stream English Teacher on Hulu
♬ afilmbykirk – ꫂ ၴႅၴ

Glitter and Greed: The Lisa Frank Documentary – Amazon Prime

This is for my fellow 90’s girlies who Lisa Frank’s rainbow dolphins and leopards had an absolute chokehold over. Not to spoil it but Lisa Frank is a total dick. Only watch this 4 part doc if you’re willing to let your childhood crumble before your very eyes. Lisa refused to participate, and from what it sounds like, she’ll probably end up suing whoever made this because that’s her favorite pastime. Sure, every doc has a bias and you take all the information presented with a grain of salt (I never do, I believe whatever viewpoint is presented to me) but when you have your own son saying how awful you are, as well as all of your former employees and also some people you’ve bankrupted as business partners? Probs true. Should’ve realized what kind of monster ran our childhood back in 2021 when my sister and I discovered the Lisa Frank website is still up and running and sells subpar merch at high end designer prices. Also, not for nothing, but people who refuse to be photographed are shady as hell. BIG RED FLAG.

https://x.com/TheSaltyJu/status/1414770014822060034

The Comeback: 2004 Boston Red Sox – Netflix

Also going back to the fall for this one but I loved this doc. I’m not a Red Sox fan and I was a fairweather Yankee fan throughout my childhood because, Jeets, duh. Once he retired it was like who even cares if I can’t peep Cap’s thicc baseball booty getting into a nice squat to scoop up a grounder. Obv I was aware of the Red Sox curse and big Yanks/Sox rivalry and I did live in Boston for a brief period of time, but I wasn’t locked in during their comeback and I definitely didn’t know deets. So this was all brand new information for me and I got to watch it on the edge of my seat. The Sox had some real characters on the ’04 team and I loved hearing their accounts, PLUS watching a bunch of grown baseball players pointedly throw balls at each other and literally have full-on brawls on the field was epic. God, baseball has gotten so soft. I can say that because I’m such a hardcore baseball fan now. Anyway, if you enjoy romanticizing the game of baseball, this was an awesome representation of a real Cinderella story. Kinda lame as shit that neither A-Rod or Jeets were willing to participate because hearing their loser point of views would’ve been AWESOME.

Juror # 2 – Max

Right at the buzzer, banged this one out last night. A juror is on trial for a murder and realizes he actually was the one who killed the girl in a hit and run that he swore was a deer. This is a Clint Eastwood flick, so you know it’s legit and also will that man ever stop working?! HE IS 94 YEARS OLD. Damn. Anyway, it was a good story and shows you all of the dualities of people and a real moral struggle of doing the right thing or doing the easy thing by tossing a guy with a neck tattoo in the slammer for a crime he def didn’t commit. Anytime I watch any sort of fictional jury sitch, it further confirms that putting 12 strangers in a room together to decide someone’s fate is legit a socially anxious girlie’s NIGHTMARE. They always end up coming at each other and if I’m ever called for jury duty (I just knocked wood that they’ll never pin me down) I will definitely crap my pants.

Mr. McMahon – Netflix

Listen, if there’s a 90’s pop culture doc, I’m gonna get all up IN IT. I’m a female, and was raised in a house where the female ratio was 4:1 so I think it’s clear I never saw a damn second of WWF/WWE growing up. On the other hand, I dated a boy (humblebrag) who was raised in a house where the male ratio was 6:1 and he used to regale me with tales of clearing out the living room and suplexing the shit out of his brothers. So I definitely understand the influence of wrestling in our younger years, but I missed the boat on learning about it because I was raised on Mister Rogers and that clown doing stretches on The Big Comfy Couch. That’s why I try to watch catch docs on former wrestlers and was very intrigued to see what the man who created it all had to say for himself. Well, shocking to no one, a white man with lots of power and money who built an entire empire, was, indeed, problematic (to say the least.)

Before this documentary was even released, Vince finally got forced out of the WWE because of all the assault lawsuits he had been collecting through the years. Since he’s interviewed and involved with this doc, that topic is heavily hinted at, but it’s not a big takedown, per say. It’s SUPER long, so don’t commit unless you’re a fiend for gossip like I am, but as someone who never knew the WWE world, I found it incredibly fascinating. The characters, the storylines, the SHIT THEY GOT AWAY WITH PUTTING ON TELEVISION. I mean, people literally died in the arena and then they just continued with the show. Vince’s family were all involved and the horrifying storylines they played out for entertainment, my God would a therapist have a field day with this fam. I couldn’t look away. And the attitude era?! Shit, the 90’s were cool.

My Old Ass – Amazon Prime

This movie hit me right in the feels and I am not ashamed to say I cried. Probably a little too hard, but proud to reveal that I cry less often now so letting it rip in the sad part of a movie is so emotionally mature of me, honestly. On Elliott’s 18th birthday, she gets super high and manages to meet her 39 year old self, who then becomes her guide to her last summer at home before moving away for college. To get ahead of it, I’ve famously shit on movies that rely heavily on drug/hallucination scenes. I’m not a fan of watching other people trip balls, and I especially hate it when they show us what they’re seeing and I’m just a regular square sitting on my couch watching a screen full of distorted voices and colors. I don’t do drugs for a reason, don’t make me enter an alternate reality with none of the good feelings. Now that I’ve gotten that gripe out, I will say there’s minimal tripping scenes, and one of them is pure Justin Bieber comedy, so it was tastefully done. They obviously just needed a vehicle to bring together future and present without making it seem like Disney magic.

The message of this movie is deep as hell and I urge everyone to give it a whirl. It’s the age old question of if you could, would you want to go back in time and do things differently? We always see our younger selves as being dumb and naive, but the way this story spun that theory and made you think maybe having those qualities are what makes us able to be free and fearless and live life to the fullest was so precious to watch. See? Poetic. And I didn’t even have to eat shrooms to get all that out of this movie. This movie was a great reminder to cherish time with people you love and live in the moment. It also made me feel less sad about still being single because future Elliott was 39 and still didn’t have a mans! If I visited younger Ju in a Four Loko drunken haze at Marist College, I’d tell her to do everything exactly the same because I’m a famous writer now. Hey, I heard that! Being published on the internet makes you famous, duh. 🙄

Red Carpet

Golden Globes Red Carpet 2025

NEW YEAR, SAME SHIT, YO! I’m drinking the wine and judging the looks. Since I spent the last week switching from night jammies to day jammies then back to my night jammies again, I don’t have a super recent high fashion streetwear snap of the type of looks I’m rockin in my very busy and important life of sampling the local TJ Maxx’s. What I DO have, is a photo of an outfit I casually slipped into at the end of November and felt like a damn main character of a Hallmark movie. What did I don this ‘fit for, you ask? Therapy. Didn’t even wear it for the full day. Strutted into my therapists’ office, she basically gave me a construction worker low whistle, demanded that I spin for her, and then 50 mins later I returned back to my home, took this picture and dove head-first into a sweatsuit.

Honestly, getchu a therapist and a dog that will gas you up like mine do when you wear something other than a fleece onesie. And yea, obviously the sunglasses completed the look. The sun never sets on cool.

WORST

Get a load of friggin emo Big Bird.

Obviously she gotta body and she knows it, but the maroon and emerald green combo is offensive to my eyes.

When I scrolled down and got to the bottom of this gown I gasped. What the shit is that?!

A bow belt AND the cupcake tiers?! What did our eyes do to deserve being assaulted by multiple early aughts fashion fails.

YIKES this sucks. To be fair, if you ever have micro bangs, I’ll never be able to get past them. You could be wearing the most beautiful gown but if your bangs only reach the middle of your forehead, it’s a total wash. Don’t believe me? Ask past Ju how ENRAGED she was for half of season 6 of Dawson’s Creek.

I’ll never understand why people choose the style of dress that makes it look like you have rhino-sized child bearing hips. Makes me wonder if the girlies whose bodies resemble a straight line are jealous of my dumper. While I buy leggings that suck it all in, pull all the way up to my breast bone, and are made of a material that still manages to fall apart where my thigh gap SHOULD be from the sheer force of friction every time I take a step, skinny bitches rock a structured igloo gown to make believe baby got back.

Babydoll top with ruffles?! Wtf is that, Keira?! I feel like we went back 20 years and you’re here promoting Love Actually. Hey babe:

Not digging this baggy fit on top.

Oh great, another bird! Or a piñata! s/o Party City!

Girl’s talented as hell but she dresses like a trash bag. Both the hair and the dress feel very ‘just got off of my shift at the casino’ and swung by these awards on the way home.

Hate to break it to you, babe, but I wore this exact outfit to the only toga party I ever got invited to in college. And honestly, my tiny black crossbody and probably warm Keystone really completed the look.

PLLLZZZZ don’t bring the tiny scarf trend back. I know this is part of the dress and not technically a scarf, but it’s also the same. Not super down with the embroidered tots either.

1. This photographed SO terribly. 2. Even with a good pic, it still is a no for me, dawg. The color washes her out, the hair looks like she tossed it up to go to the hairdresser and have them style it, and that neckline is also a trend I never want to see again. Why do only the worst trends have a resurgence?!

Kate is a legend and this fit is way too matronly. It’s not doing her any favors. Also, cool it with the embroidered flowers, H-Wood.

Meh. It’s not offensive, it’s just so BLAH.

I feel like Amy Adams has worn the same exact dress for every single awards show ever and frankly I’m sick of it. Change it up, booboo. Take a damn risk.

GIANT FLOWER ON YOUR SHOULDER, LOOK OUT!

What is this, the declaration of independence?

Probably unpopular opinion, but you can do a revenge dress without your nipples poking out the eye of the one you’re wanting to piss off. Let me be clear, I’m 1000% #TeamBri, Zach Bryan is a scum bucket who deserves to be cancelled off this planet and this is her moment to shine since he made her feel like dogshit for the dress she wore to last year’s Golden Globes. She’s hot, she’s young, she’s a rising star. And this dress is too much. All of these things can be true. Also, not for nothing, but I’ve worn sticky boobs before for certain dresses and I’ve spent the ENTIRE time adjusting my boobs because it felt so uncomfortable and weird to try and shape my boobs into a small suction. There’s NO way it’s even remotely comfy to keep your thangs covered by these half moons.

Peplum & Mermaid bottom.

None of this is hitting for me.

No, but who did this to her. It’s like a couch with a velvet rope slung around her shoulders.

WOW that’s an eyesore.

I didn’t want to dump all over the entire Wicked cast but sorry bout it, I can’t pretend to like this monstrosity.

I hate this So so so SosososSO so much. DRESSING LIKE A 90’s DAD IS NOT HIGH FASHION. And making the tie a feather is just taunting me at this point. IT’S WORKING. MY BLOOD IS BOILING.

Why is she going so hard in the paint as the weird art teacher aunt lately? This fall, I bought a pair of suede clogs and an embroidered sweater and my sister ROASTED me and called me an art teacher and I’d just like to formally say, on the internet, where it will live forever, the above look is PEAK art teacher. The below stunner is basically runway ready:

Honestly, I think I could easily be flipped on this. Like if she had her hair down. JK I just took another look at the pointy shoulders and got re-annoyed.

mmmm this is a quilt, buttercup. Also, it’s been a minute since we’ve seen the infuriating pieces of hair in the face dangles.

PEP.LUM.

Instead of typing out my commentary, I’ll just leave you with this quote which is what I IMMEDIATELY thought of when seeing this look.

A skinny scarf and a pube ‘stache. KEWL.

Holding space for the draped sheet dress.

BEST

Oh ok, Toni Braxton.

I’ve never seen a pashmina look so chic.

Oh my damn, The Rock is making lilac HAPPEN.

This guy’s like probably in his forties now and he’ll always be adorable. I don’t make the rules, I just make them. I just want to stick his bellhop jacket clad body right in my pocket and carry him around foreva.

She got me with the matching shoes and all of you already know that because I’m a slut for color coordination. I also really love this splash of a totally different color in a sea of neutrals and reds.

Never thought I’d be hard up for a little piping but it sure does complete this suit. Suave as hell.

I mean you literally do not get more Golden Globe than this dazzler!

Only a hot bitch like Glen Powell could rock aviators on the red carpet. He’s such a panty soaker and he knows it, folks.

This is how you tastefully use feathers.

This is how you tastefully use chains. JK. But actually though, this is pretty cool. Angelina looks fabulous and not at all like a woman who spent the better part of a decade settling a divorce.

I feel like this is out of her comfort zone as she usually goes more basic and I’m so here for it. She looks AMAZING!

Ooh yeh baby, throw that rainbow streamer cape! This is so badass.

Bringing her son and going sans makeup is so wholesome for someone who the world has seen naked. I’m so jazzed by this second act for ole Pammy and she looks phenomenal.

HOW FUN!

God Bless Zoe for posing with her hands out to show that she did indeed match her mani to her fit.

Oh my gawwwww, Demi shining, shimmering, splendid!! This dress looked even better in movement on camera and honestly tough choice for best dressed, Demi was a top contender for sure. And spoiler alert, she won her first Globe! Because if I’ve learned anything, we don’t acknowledge women in Hollywood until they’re thinking about giving up and retiring quietly into the night. I didn’t see her movie but I heard it was weird AF, so there’s no way it deserved a W. Either way, whatta babe.

Don’t be pervs about this but that pearl neckline. GASP. Another top look of the night!

GET IT, FRAN.

Do I love this dress full of mirrors because I would probably spend the whole time looking at my own reflection if I were talking to her? I’ll never tell.

Living for the Hollywood veteran rolling through a red carpet with her hands in her pockets looking comfy AF. This gown is dressy but also somehow the overalls of formalwear and I couldn’t be more obsessed.

A great Gold vibe for the host. She’s literally monochromatic from head to toe. Like how is it possible for your hair, skin and dress to be the exact same bronze shade?!

s/o to Jennifer’s spray tan.

HIS BUCKET HAT MATCHES HIS SUIT. ICONIC. I absolutely need this outfit for Easter to irritate my family.

Cooper Koch, living proof that if you look like a Ken doll, you can wear a plain old black tux and kill it.

It’s simple but I like these little sparkle peeperonis.

Yes.

Periwinkle is my favorite color and it looks fab on Jean.

Ok, Glittery Goddess!!

Kate Hudson can wear a colored jewel for the rest of time and I’ll always reference the Isadora diamond and that’s why pop culture is Queen. But she know’s exactly what she’s doing with this frosting and turns out it doesn’t matter if it’s yellow or blue, she gonna pull it off.

Confidence is key when wearing colored lenses and that cocky finger point shows me he has it in spades.

Changing things up for BEST DRESSED OF THE NIGHT by awarding a male and a female winner! #Equality

BEST DRESSED MALE OF THE NIGHT

America’s nerdy King of Sarcasm crush DELIVERED, bb’s! Holy Jade Green Hotness! I’m so obsessed with this look and what a total babe soda he is without even really knowing it. We stan a humble and emotionally mature man. He’s literally wearing a boutonniere. TAKE ME TO PROM, ADAM.

BEST DRESSED FEMALE OF THE NIGHT

Are you even remotely surprised that I chose the leopard moment to honor?! Never thought I’d call bedazzled leopard boobs elegant and understated but here we are. It’s the perfect accent to a Glam Gold Gown. Well done, lil Fanning.

And for a sleeper award of the night, gotta give it up to my mom who texts a very simple but very bitchy comment during every awards show that makes me giggle.

Someone get this woman a Twitter. The world needs her thoughts.

Movies, Television

Best of the Worst Hallmark Holiday Movies, 2024 Edition

I’m nothing if not transparent with you and although up until this point I’ve vehemently enforced the ‘no Christmas movies or decorations before Thanksgiving’ code of conduct, this is the year that I caved. I decorated and started movie binging November 24th. To be fair, Thanksgiving was late this year. But also Netflix dropped 3 new Christmas movies in mid-November and that shit STRESSES ME OUT. I hate seeing tweets and press tours about a movie that I’m not ready to watch yet. So, Christmas came early this year. I will say, the tree went up after Thanksgiving like it always does and I will leave it up until there’s a sea of pine needles on the carpet because DAMNIT THERE’S NOTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR IN THE WINTER. Anyway, I noticed no one else got into the Christmas original flick game this year so my sister and I curated from Netflix, Hallmark & Lifetime (hotties only) and I feel good about the *much smaller* selection. So without further adieu…

Meet Me Next Christmas – Netflix

Layla spends Christmas Eve in a bougie airport lounge trying to make it to the Pentatonix Christmas Eve concert with her boyf. She meets James and they share earbuds and therefore a spark so they make a deal to not exchange any info but meet up at next years’ Pentatonix Christmas concert if she’s ditched whatever boyfriend we’re about to grow to hate by then. And then wouldn’t you know 4 seconds later, she walks in on him cheating. That was fast! Now she’s gotta get to the concert to meet her soulmate but color me shocked, this was the one year she didn’t buy tickets and it’s sold out! Obviously she enlists the help of some sort of concierge service that was giving real weird elf vibes and it took me far too long to realize there was no Santa-related magic in this movie and they’re all just normal people living in reality (somewhat.) Layla and Teddy (her concierge) fall in love on the journey and credit to Pentatonix’s agent, but they basically got a movie made centered around them. The a cappella singers that make Christmas their bitch and then go into hibernation for the rest of the year end up playing matchmaker behind the scenes to get these two to their concert. Things we love: a completely unrelated and out of place choreography scene…y’all know I die for a 2000’s era dance movie, and as always, a real down and dirty mack sesh halfway through the movie. MAMA DON’T LIKE TO WAIT FOR THE KISSY KISSY. The movie was fun and entertaining and as a girlie that loves this group harmonizing the shit out of Christmas songs, I appreciated a Pentatonix slobberfest. HOW-EV-ER, the ending was so over the top proclamation of public love it pretty much ruined the rest of the movie. I mean, “The universe falls away when we kiss” was a real piece of dialogue. Ok bitches, you met a day ago. Pump the brakes. BUT I’ll take a free Pentatonix concert any chance I can get cause I bet those tickets are outrageously priced like everything else in NYC at Christmas time. They even cashed in on a single with the same name. GET YO BREAD, GANG! Feel free to smash play while you read the rest.

Hot Frosty – Netflix

Obviously you go into a movie about a snowman coming to life and a woman being desp enough to fall in love with him knowing exactly what you’re going to get. And might I be so bold to say, I was pleasantly surprised by this one. In fact, I liked it WAY better than the Magic Mike Netflix movie that I’m about to eviscerate next. Do I think this is the hottest guy they could’ve cast in a beefy snowman come to life lead? Nah, not even close. This guy’s hair isn’t doing him any favors. But his body is most certainly a specimen and I guess that’s all that matters as we open on him beebopping around town fully nude. Call me a simple gal, but it worked. I was hooked. Could’ve done without the heavy-handed OMG HE’S HOT gags like when he asks a horny old bird who crashes her car staring at his veiny bulging shirtless frame, “want me to get behind you and push?” Don’t insult our intelligence.

I got so caught up in talking about bulges that I didn’t give you a quick and dirty plot rundown. Kathy (horrible name for anyone under the age of 50, if you want to keep Queen of Christmas Movies Lacey in biz, give her better character names) runs a diner and basically is living like a homeless person because as we come to find out, her husband died of cancer and was a handyman. I get that grief is unique for everyone but not having heat in your house that is also flooding from roof leaks, seems extreme. She puts a “magic scarf” around a snowman and poof, HE REAL. Jack (Frost, duh) learns how to be a human by watching TV in Kathy’s house and hiding from the police because he broke a window to steal clothes so he didn’t keep swinging his perfectly sculptured (I assume) ice dick around town. He sees how much Kathy is struggling and learns how to be the perfect boyf who fixes the roof, makes dinner, and does a TikTok dance with tweens at their holiday soiree. There’s a lot of quirky town characters, and an all-time great moment when everything is revealed and Kathy says “You all just buy that he’s a snowman?” And someone replies. “It’s Christmas.” Ope, ok. What I certainly did not see coming was a VERY dramatic ending, which spoiler alert – did turn happy and I teared up…like a lot. Which just goes to show how mentally unstable and lonely I am during the holidays.

PS Doing the Pretty Woman closing fingers in the jewelry box scene? Who do you think you are?

The Merry Gentlemen – Netflix

Buckle up, because I HATED this movie. If you spent your teen years in Tree Hill, you fell into one of two camps. You were a Lucas girlie or a Nathan girlie but you most certainly were never swooning over both Scott brothers. Since every teen show these days seems to only have one plotline and it is brothers sharing the same girl, I’ll let you in a little secret: the Scott brothers did it first with Peyton. Shocking to no one, I liked a bad boy turned good. Nathan 4 LYFE. So, that means I’m kinda eh to Chad Michael Murray. Even though he’s playing a different role, I still see squinty dramatic Lucas whining about how he loves Peyton but she won’t even give him a chance. Now that I’ve sufficiently ranted about a 20 year old show, let’s dive into this movie where they even named him Luke. TOO CLOSE! Ashley gets fired from her gig dancing in a rockettes’ type role in “the big city” and moves back home to find out her parents club is going belly up. Luke has been helping them repair their money pit. Ashley has the bright idea to create a male stripper holiday dance show to bring in the crowds and ooh baby it’s a hit! Never underestimate the horniness of single women.

For this one, I feel like it would be most efficient to air my complaints in list format.

Ashley’s wig is Bella Swan in Eclipse bad.
Netflix loves to show characters in their movies watching other characters in other Netflix movies. We get it, you own the streaming space. Stop being so obsessed with yourselves, it’s getting weird.
Ashley eats a cookie like an absolute disaster. Frosting up to her hairline from basically pie-ing herself in the face with a sweet treat.
All of these men learned how to dance basically immediately. There was no trial nor tribulation from “here’s the choreography” to full-blown Darryn’s Dance Grooves.
You mean to tell me that this tiny town in the middle of nowhere with a fake hallmark name like Sycamore Creek is just soaking wet with ripped men?
I get it, we love an inclusive moment, but there’s a reason Dallas was gross and creepy in Magic Mike and no one wanted to watch him dance. He was out of the target age demo. I almost screamed when we suddenly had an old guy tap in to the on-stage topless gyrations. In fact, I texted my sister in outrage: “NO THEY PUT AN OLD GUY IN?! I’m gonna puke. Why am I watching a geriatric striptease?”
Their first kiss goes from good to bad real quick. These two were fish mouthing each other like I’ve never seen before.
Really trying to get sentimental and deep for a movie where the men are gyrating with their shirts off 98% of the time.

So, as you can see, there should be no confusion as to why this movie is a real suckfest. They had all the opportunity in the world to pop some lady boners AND make us giggle and they failed SO miserably.

Our Little Secret – Netflix

We start out real hot with a suuuuper cringey public dumping mid-proposal and I was nervous for the rest to unfold. The good news is this flick is full of heavy hitters and the big budget shows. Our girl LiLo is HAVING a moment and GOOD FOR HER. For someone who was a real hot mess in her twenties she sure spun that shit right around and is literally glowing these days. So anyway, Avery goes to meet her boyf’s family for the first time and finds out that her boyf’s sister brought home Logan to meet the fam and these two were HS sweethearts who haven’t spoken in a decade. They decide to act like they don’t know each other yet still help each other navigate this bonkers family. Super fun movie. It has drama, secrets, goofy characters and quippy dialogue. 10/10 No Notes. Just kidding. It’s me. Of course I have notes. Logan’s got a real case of the crazy eyes and that is understandably hard to watch / picture myself having sex with, which is how I commit to every love interest in a rom com, so I find myself having a hard time getting on board with him. BUT there’s so many other things going on and the writing is good so I still approve even though I wouldn’t personally want to bang the lead. (Says the girl who just talked about wanting to bang the snowman lead and also cried when he turned human, so take it with a grain of salt.)

Christmas in the Spotlight – Lifetime

We’ve officially embarrassed ourselves as a society because now we’re making Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce fan-fic in made-for-TV movies. There’s no going back. Look what you made them do, Taylor. Obviously, a Lifetime movie ripping from the popstar-NFL player love story is not sanctioned by either camp and therefore no direct references could be made, but they still managed to shove this script full of bad Swiftie references as Easter eggs, or moments that made my eyes drop from my skull and roll down the hall. (Uncle Gonzo can’t come to the phone right now, why? Cause he’s dead! The alchemy. You think you’re Wonderland. Why they gotta be so mean. An attempt to mimic a TS lyric friendship bracelet but really it just said “nigsss”…no one thought that was concerning? Really?)

Bowyn is a popstar that’s supposed to be Taylor Swift but she’s lookin more like a Tate McRae hooch, and Gonzo (these names are so, SO bad) is an NFL player whose brother plays on the same team and his niece is a SUPER fan of Bowyn. They have a meet and greet moment where Gonzo takes the lowest angle selfie after fumbling his phone. That might be the least believable part. You think a girl’s gonna call you after you give her a double chin in a selfie? UH UH, HONAY. But she does, and they start dating casj in secret, making out on private jets as one does. As you might predict, a movie trying to be Taylor and Travis with no actual facts behind it is super cringe. That being said, my sister and I ATE IT UP. Not fans of do-do bird Travis Kelce, we chose to believe that Gonzo was actually modeled after Gronk, which is a much worthier character we can get behind. Plus, it never hurts when a movie delivers a first date make out and a gratuitous shirtless scene because of a lil wine dribble. If you want to keep it spicy, drink every time they use a puzzle piece metaphor. LET’S FRICKIN GO!!!!

Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story – Hallmark

Before I started this movie, I genuinely thought it was a call and response of the same exact Tay/Trav love story, one sanctioned by the Kelce’s (Hallmark) and one not (Lifetime.) Then the opening scenes were about a family obsessed with the Kansas City Chiefs and I was like oh, it’s not even about Taylor, it’s about the Chiefs, WHO EVEN CARES?! Are people seriously this hard up for this stupid team that we needed to give them more money and free advertising through a branded movie? And don’t even GET ME STARTED on Mama Kelce. Talk about someone stretching those damn five minutes. If anyone is surprised (no one is) Donna Kelce is the worst actress on this planet and her entire role in the movie, which goes on for far too long, is to just walk by and read poorly written lines with not a hint of emotion.

ANYWAY, Alana’s parents met by sitting in the same row as season ticket holders for KCC, so this entire family’s whole lives revolve around a football team. In a super weird and aggressive way. Derrick works for the Chiefs but doesn’t know anything about them, tell me how you get a job in marketing at the NFL being like I don’t really care that much for this team, so when he has to interview BIGGEST FAN candidates and ends up with Alana’s wacky ass family, he’s like mmk, psychos. They have a dramatic story about a lucky hat and not to spoil the ending, but in what felt like hour 9 of hearing about the lucky hat as if it was its own character I typed this sentence into my phone, “I cannot hear this family wax poetic about a knit cap for one more GD second.” In much more exciting news, I nearly fell off my chair when I heard Derrick speak for the first time in some odd talking out of the side of his mouth Elvis accent that miraculously had disappeared without a trace by the first commercial break. I ranted about his stupid voice for far too long, then I looked back on Christmas movie blogs past to remind myself when I published/how many movies I watched and ripped this same actor a new a*hole for talking so slow and seeming like he wasn’t firing on all cylinders during one of his movies last year. So **NOTE TO SELF** this guy talks like a moron and I need to stop having Hallmark amnesia and remember it each year. Although, honestly is kinda fun to get freshly outraged like this is the first time I’ve seen him mumble in a southern/western/brain injury drawl.

PS Every time they walk by Santa they give him money–like $5-20–and do I need to quit my job and just walk around an affluent city with a bucket dressed as the big guy? Santa’s bout to build a beach house with their donations…I gotta get in on that.

Twas the Date Before Christmas – Hallmark

Jessie goes on a bunch of bad online dates and lies about having a new boyfriend for Christmas so her family doesn’t cancel the festivities. Brian’s a smelly loser without plans and therefore replies to Jessie’s chaotic plea on her dating profile to bring a blind date to her family’s Christmas Eve affairs. As someone who did MANY dalliances with dating apps, it’s next level psychotic behavior to message one night and then meet up the next for a family holiday. Pre-crime. Even hopping off the app and exchanging numbers was a big ole to-do, so some surface banter followed by acting as a couple at Christmas and you’re just ASKING to be a skin suit. The notion of that was almost as terrifying as a family of adults that does a Christmas Olympics every year. Honestly, this entire movie is full of red flags but in the spirit of Christmas, we’ll play along that this is how soulmates find each other, by being strangers and still going full-send into wrapping and baking competitions. There’s your typical “big bad corporate guy tries to shut down the small biz” storyline sprinkled in with some widower grief. And you MAY have guessed it, but Christmas Olympics continues on, hearts are warmed, and businesses are saved. The silver lining of this movie was Robert Buckley, who is the most adorable and lovable leading man with a sense of humor, right up until he sneaks up behind his leading lady and whispers, “hey Jessie, I’m having a lot of fun.” And for that reason, I’m out. What a creep move! Also, Jessie’s entire family comes out to watch them kiss at the end like a bunch of peepers. RUN, DUDE!!!

The Finnish Line – Hallmark

I LOVED this movie! Sure, its bad writing and cheesy dubbs coups storylines are ever-present…I mean it is Hallmark after all, what’d you expect? Oscar-winning performances? BUT…HUSKIES!!!! As long as I’ve been recapping these dirt movies (10 years, nbd but HBD), there has not been a Christmas movie about sled racing and I was LOCKED IN. Wish I could say the same for my partial Husky of a pooch. One would think she’d hear the calls of her brethren and watch as intently as I did. At one point, she turned to look at the screen and I got so excited that I’d finally picked a matinee with something for each of us. Then she dropped her head and faced away from the TV for the rest of the movie. Tough crowd.

Whatever, it’s not like I waited with my camera out for the moment she would howl at the screen trying to communicate with her wolf pack. Not only did I enjoy peeking into the world of international dog sledding, but each year I see Christmas in a new country and I want to beat it to that country immeds. Last year was Scotland, this year is Finland. I might die if I don’t get to celebrate Christmas in the snow-blanketed town where Santa Clause is from with a floofy Siberian husky curled up next to me. Alright enough about me, let’s talk about Anya whose dad was a famous sled racer who lost against a scary old guy who plays dirty and then met his future bride and retired to Arizona. Cut to her losing both parents and deciding to avenge her dad’s loss and beat the butthole who nearly killed him. Cole is a former racer turned reporter with a heart of gold, obv. We get to root for sassy Anya to win the damn thing AND two love stories just casually playing out under the Northern Lights. The only poor visual in the whole movie was the very obviously green screen cold plunge that Anya and Cole partake in, but it was a great opportunity to see our male lead shirtless and we never argue that. My only ice to pick (get it?! ice pick!) is that it says it’s -11 degrees and they don’t even attempt to make them look like they’re in the cold. Everyone’s wearing light jackets and no hats. No one acts cold. NEGATIVE ELEVEN DEGREES. YOU CANNOT EVEN FUNCTION IN THAT WEATHER. And yet this crew is kickin it at an ice bar (inside an igloo) like they’re sitting around the pool. Also, my last note, would’ve LOVED a scene with one of the humans talking to the dog and the husky howling in return. That’s the greatest thing about huskies, they basically talk back to you. Missed opp to highlight that adorable quality. Ok that’s it, bye.

A Carpenter Christmas Romance – Lifetime

Sorry folks, but I felt like it was more important for me to deliver this HIGHLY anticipated blog than wait another weekend for this last one to premiere. Each year I struggle with the fact that holiday movies come out earlier and premiere right up until Christmas. Knowing that no one cares to spend Christmas Day reading my thoughts on the crop of new movies, I always try to get it out earlier but I don’t want to release it TOO early and miss the later ones. These are the struggles I must live with. It’s my Christmas cross to bear. Realistically, I write these for myself because I live for roasting cheesy holiday movies and I’m a diehard for a tradition. Either way, when making this year’s list my sister introduced this flick as “this year’s A Cowboy Christmas Romance.” If you need refreshing, it’s the last movie I recapped last year. TLDR: it’s a festive themed harlequin novel. They give us a swoony muscle man and last year they dropped the first ever sex scene in a Lifetime Christmas movie. I can’t confirm that this will also have a romp in the barn, but ONE CAN ONLY HOPE. Obviously my DVR is already set. It was set the moment I saw the definition in those ‘ceps. Those are lady-lifting arms right there, baby!

Yea, yea, yea, I know. I need a boyfriend. Guess I better hope for a White Christmas so I can start building a chiseled snowman and let the holiday magic do its thang. Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2024

IT’S COUNTRY MUSIC’S BIGGEST NIGHT, Y’ALL!!!!! But before we dive into the boots, hats, and fringe of the red carpet, a moment of silence for my #ootd for Sunday errands (an outfit I was so chuffed with that I repeated it 3 times in one week, not sorry bout it.)

If this espresso dream isn’t qualified to judge a red carpet, I DON’T KNOW WHO IS.

Gonna change up the format as I sometimes do when there’s not 377 photos like there are at bigger awards shows and just toss them all out in a row without categorizing best or worst dressed. You’ll obviously know how I feel by my snarkalicious caption. Speaking generally though, nothing truly offended me from this red carpet. Is it because I let country stars get away with more because they’re the cool aunt of Hollywood? Perhaps. But also, TONS of basic blacks and sparkles last night so I didn’t really have an opportunity to do a wine spit-take.

Taking mama as your plus one to the red carpet is always a swoonworthy move. Mama Lynch looks phenomenal. Very flattering shimmery dress and hair. Her son on the other hand, I could do without the wife beater under a pinstriped poop suit. Jus sayin. I feel like he was trying to mimic my top tier mixture of taupes from above but took a hard left into white trash land.

I’m like 99.9% confident she’s worn this exact dress before. Am I being punk’d? WHERE’S ASHTON?!

This is so early aughts bad. Like you could tell me she’s attending the Lizzie McGuire Movie premiere and I’d be like yup, that checks. Only thing missing is an iridescent appliqué butterfly.

I LOVE this duo ‘fit. The pop of floral with the solid burgundy is CHEF’S KISS.

Honestly this groutfit isn’t the greatest thing I’ve ever seen but I’m giving Freddie his moment to shine because he jammed HR after HR down the Yanks throats in the World Series and he deserves to celebrate that gettin’ loose as a goose at Tootsies.

It would be rude of me to spend my Saturday night scream singing along with Mitchy, finally seeing him live after talking about seeing him live for a solid 7 years, only to slam his fashion sense less than a week later. So I won’t. Even though green rhinestone flames adorning a suit like they’re painted on the side of a race car is REAL tacky. I do appreciate him and wifey fully committing to the ‘we’re country folk’ bit. The chunky turquoise and bolo tie were a nice touch. But dressed down in a Posty shirt wailing about breakups and bitches is more my speed, M10.

If the skinny scarf trend comes back I’ll hurl myself off a cliff. THIS LOOKS BEYOND STUPID.

I have absolutely nothing to say about this outfit, I just want you to guess who this human is. Because when I saw the caption I IMMEDIATELY gasped, said there’s no way, then googled *insert celebrity name* plastic surgery because THAT IS NOT HIS FACE. Step away from the knife, good sir. (BTW, you know that if a woman did this everyone would be AWL over it so let’s bash a man for a shitty facelift for a change. #EQUALITY.)

Carly looks supes uncomfy and I would too if I had a rhombus covering each tot. What a weird choice for the top of this otherwise pretty gown.

GET IT, JEFF BRIDGES! From the patterned jacket to the matching velvet boots, what a STUD!

A shimmery nude princess. Also, not enough girls rep the party pony on red carpets and I love the sassy tone it sets for a look. She’s ready to drop it low to A Bar Song.

I will drool all over Lauren every day and twice on Sunday. Homegirl has got the farm babe wholesome gorge vibes on lock. Her luscious mane also gives Connie Britton’s a run for her money. Am I on a watch list for cr33pin on Lauren Akins yet? Feel like we got pretty close there. TR looks good but we all know who the real star of the show is. Also the way he’s smiling in this particular shot looks like he just ripped one and whiffed it. Tell me I’m wrong.

Hand up, I’ve hated Colbie Callait ever since she burst onto the music scene in the early 2000’s. For absolutely no reason. Basically, Colbie and Jack Johnson sang two songs that annoyed the shit out of me (Bubbly & Banana Pancakes, respectively) and were overplayed to death, therefore I hated these two singers with the fire of a thousand suns. That’s just how the cookie crumbles. BUT, I love this look for her.

This dress does absolutely nothing for her. It’s shapeless and wrinkly foil with straps that are fashioned much like I would wear a bedsheet at my college Toga Parties.

Chris wears this outfit every time he’s in public and I’m pretty much convinced he sleeps in it as well. Morgane looks stunning and I’d like to put it in writing that if she files for divorce after Chris’ very public terrible huz moment last night, I wouldn’t blame her for a second. Chris wins single of the year, hits the stage and thanks a few people then tosses it over to the other writers on the song, who THANK HIS WIFE. Yes, that’s right. His co-writers thanked his wife, NOT HIM. The same song (“White Horse”, which I could’ve sworn has been out for at least five years) wins again and he immediately apologizes for not only forgetting to thank his wife but not having her up onstage to accept the award with him because she was also a producer on the song. He claims it all happened so fast and thanks her for making his music possible. WOOF. DOG HOUSE, BUB. GET ON IN IT. Then they sang a duet and she looked like she wanted to incinerate him with her eyes. #TeamMorgane #JusticeforMorgane

Oh, OK with the coordinated duds! I love her heels and I think these two look sharp as shit.

This ain’t it, girrrrl. The yoga pants of formalwear.

I love this move. You take a hip hop jam from 2004, rework it to a country beat and it becomes THE drinking song of the summer (alongside “I Had Some Help” of course) and then show up to the CMA’s in a mint suit. THAT is embracing your fifteen minutes. Right down to the sparkly clogs.

Crushed. A blueberry pie. Honestly, this may be the only time I don’t shit all over the peplum because it’s such a ‘splosion of tulle that it WORKS. What a moment.

Not loving the glitter and embroidered combo on Caroline or the fact that Luke’s pants look like they’re 4 ft too long with the way they’re scrunched & bunched all up his legs. Can’t win em all, Bryan’s.

You can’t see this looking straight-on but the sides are open on this dress adding a real sexy peep show up top. I’m here for said peep show and a fun glitzy party frock. She also slayed her performance look, SHOCKING TO NO ONE! It’s Kelsea’s year, BB, get on board. TOOT TOOT.

Big fan of the Dickersons over here, but even stans can say what the actual F are you wearing? It’s like Molly Ringwald meets 70’s pimp. These two look they showed up almost a month late to a Halloween party. Russell, I loved when you ripped your shirt off Chippendales style at the end of your RD party, but there’s a time and a place for full chesties and a red carpet ain’t it, bruh.

This porn stache can die away from me, immeds. He shaves that lip rug off and this all black errethang look is a pantydropper. With it, it’s rapey as hell.

I’m very into this witchy cloak number and I didn’t think I would be but she’s pulling it OFF. 10/10.

Jeeze, Keith, could you at least act like you give a shit? Couldn’t even toss on a button down with your jeans and Tim Riggins jacket?

So down with these jazzy sheer pants. I’ve always loudly made fun of Lainey’s comically large cartoon-like hats, and now that I see her man wearing a matching one, I gotta flip my criticism and say good for you, girl. Find you a mans who will wear a big ole 10 gallon hat in public to match yours. That’s true love. I can only hope my future counterpart will be just as passionate about buying a hat every time he has one sip of alcohol like I am.

Love the blue jacket and as I write this, Chris Stapleton just won (again) SPOILER ALERT and as they announced that it was Chris’s 8th win in this category they panned to Luke and he screamed in disbelief EIGHT?! And I laughed out loud like a maniac. It was like a hot mic moment but actually a jumbotron showing of drunk facial expressions and he’s a real one for that. Kept me from nodding off cause shit’s getting real boring up in here. Wifey looks gr8, really like the top of this dress, and perhaps would like it even more if it wasn’t obstructed by giant erect bow.

Kind of a weird vibe as these outfits are bringing completely different energies to the function, but this oat milk suit is niiice.

Any other event and I would dump all over this dress and say it’s arts and crafts loads of ridiculousness. But at the CMA’s?! It’s perfect. It’s Levi’s meets showgirl and so fun! Plus, she looks snatched AF. Brava.

JUice

Weekly JUice – Nov 1st, 2024

I took a couple of weeks off again because I was busy movin and shakin, SARRY bout it. The world of celeb news did not take a couple of weeks off, so lemme see if I can stuff in some of my hot takes from what isn’t still breaking news in addition to the headlines from this week.

1. Gisele is going to be a ~~Grandma~~ Mom.

Not from the horse’s mouth directly, but sources (it’s People.com official) confirm that Gisele is expecting her first kid with her jiu-jitsu beefstick. My sister scooped me on this news and my immediate response was “Isn’t she 50 years old?” There was not a chance in hell I believed this bitch had working ovaries. It was like that weird season of Real Housewives of NY when they introduced us to Cynthia who was in her fifties with a fresh baby and was like what? Is that weird? My sister did the fact checking for me (reading beyond a headline) and found out that Gisele is only 44 and her baby daddy is 35…not that it matters because sperm never ages like our crusty ole eggs do. So I guess I owe Gisele an apology. It’s not like I think she looks like she’s fifty, it’s just that she’s been around forever and I always tie her into the Heidi Klum supermodel era and Heidi is indeed in her fifties. Ricochet shot. My follow-up question is how dare you? It’s hard enough for a single gal in her thirties out here with all these lil snatched Gen Z’ers cropping it up at all times like sirens who never cover their midsection and now I’ve gotta worry about hot women in their forties coming for my target age range too?! Find someone in your own era! Don’t let Kristin Cav influence all you moms to start dating younger childless guys. It’s a war zone out there. And my final thought on this matter is that this is a direct result of Tom Brady’s Roast. The GOAT agreed to make a big ole spectacle of himself for sure without Gisele’s permission and naturally she was roped into about 85% of the jokes without even being there, just because her ex-huz is an attention whore. So how do you get him back? Get knocked up by your young stallion of a jiu-jitsu instructor. Duhs.

2. One Engagement Ends As Another Begins.

What a treat to combine sad and happy news into one item. Once again, not confirmed by them but sources reported Channing Tatum and Zoe Kravitz have ended their engagement. They were together for a few years and thriller “Blink Twice” directed by Zoe and starring Channing just came out not too long ago. Knowing what I do about PR (pretty much nothing) this news breaking right on the heels of their film coming out means they probably broke up before that and waited to share that nugget until the movie had been out for a while. Nothing ruins a press tour more than juicy personal goss, not a single soul would’ve talked about the movie. As someone who literally lost all belief in love after Channing and Jenna got divorced, this breakup couldn’t mean less to me. I wasn’t against them as a couple but I certainly wasn’t swooning over them either. PS all bets that this sappy IG declaration of love was posted to keep bloodhounds off the trail of them actually not being together anymore.

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What I certainly find weird is that Jenna’s new husband Steve Kazee posted an Instagram story with just HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH when the news broke of the Chansters’ breakup. And what’s your beef, dude? Nothing makes you look like more of a bitter a-hole than publicly commenting on your current wife’s ex-husband’s love life. Boy, that’s a mouthful. How embarrassing for this nerd. Pretty sure him and Jenna have two kids together so he can’t be all that happy if he’s concerning himself with Channing. If he should be throwing shade at anyone, maybe direct it at your wife who dragged out a divorce with Channing for like 6 years because she wanted more money. Yeah, that’s right, I said it!

And every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Or in this case, every time a ring is returned, another couple gets it. That made me laugh out loud picturing Channing passing Zoe’s returned ring off to Shaun White. If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m here mostly to entertain myself. Shaun and Nina, a couple that has been very public in their cuteness decided to take the next step. Again, they’re not really a couple I ride hard for, but they seem like fun times, plus this proposal looks very fairytale chic, so CONGRATS BB’S!

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3. Dragging Shawn Mendes Out of the Closet.

For whatever reason, goss-hounds (not me, but the TMZ’s of the world) have been obsessed with outing Shawn Mendes basically forever. I feel like every few years I see headlines about Shawn’s sexuality. Recently it was all about his lil love triangle between Sabrina Carpenter and Camila Cabello because he apparently had quite an overlap with the two at Coachella and everyone was like ew, what a douchenozzle. And now everyone is like IS HE GAY? Um, pick a lane? Also…why do we care? He lives a pretty quiet life and honestly doesn’t even tour or put out music much anymore, I honestly thought he had retired from the biz. So apparently it got to the point where he felt he needed to speak on it at a show this week and I’m sorry but everyone owes this poor dude an apology because he seems down bad and feeling like he needs to talk about which gender he likes to smooch onstage in a very public forum is all y’alls fault. The blood is on your hands. Not mine though because I’ve known for a fact he’s gay for six years now. I mean, you don’t get a butterfly bicep tat and call yourself hetero. Jus sayin. At the end of the day, love or bang whoever you want, Shawn, but it is OBJECTIVELY funny to be strumming a guitar as background music to you pouring out our heart and soul about such a personal topic. I couldn’t stop laughing watching this video clip.

4. Zach Bryan Stinks.

Honestly this is one of those niche “celebrity” breakups that I want to dissect with everyone around me but no one really cares so I get to do it HERE! And if you don’t care, you’ll still learn something new and have a topic for the next time you have a conversation with someone in their twenties because this breakup probably has a chokehold on them. Let me say up front that I don’t ROOT for people to break up, per say, but sometimes when you see someone is clearly a bad boy and the girl hasn’t figured it out yet, it’s KIIIIINDA satisfying when it all proves to be true. Here’s the back story: Zach Bryan is all the rage for like country/rock/folksie/outlaw/Springsteen type music. I honestly don’t know what to categorize him as and I don’t think anyone else does either. He writes a lot of gritty songs but they’re catchy AF and he’s really taken off the past couple of years and blown up, especially with the younger kids. Brianna Chickenfry is a Barstool personality, probably one of their most famous (and highest paid for being a young girlie). She’s known for finding her next boyfriend before the current one has been put out to pasture, and he’s known for going hot and heavy with a girl for about a year and then cutting her loose and writing an album about her. Of course when he does it, it’s art, when Taylor Swift does it, it’s whiny and oversharing and she’s boy crazy. INSERT EYE ROLL. Regardless, these two started dating a little over a year ago, and since Bri is an online personality/influencer, their relashe deets were shared often. They seemed all in, moving to Boston together and getting dogs together, etc. On his latest album, he wrote a song called 28 about how in love they are and girls all over the country swooned their faces off. I’m pretty sure she also got lyric “how lucky are we” tattooed on her. Well they headed to splitsville last week (privately) and then a day later, Zach announced it publicly on Instagram without giving her any heads up that he was going to take it public.

So she then had to react publicly and share that she was blindsided and was trying to just do what the girlies do when you’re fresh off of a breakup–sob on the couch and watch bad TV and wonder if anyone will ever like you again. Then of course as the days pass, more dirt gets dug up. Apparently he cheated on her, he was on the celeb dating app Raya either while they were still together or RIGHT as they broke up. And what do you know, the guy who has a pattern of doing exactly this with women, does exactly that. He’s already releasing snippets of songs he’s writing about their relationship. Is he a muse whore? Does he get women to fall in love with him so he can have experiences and memories to write about when he eventually drops the hammer? Sure seems like it. If I had to guess, Bri already has her next love of her life lined up, but I’ve been captivated by the deets as they roll out. You don’t listen to a love song about a couple and sigh and say I wish I had that and then not EAT UP every juicy tidbit when it turns out they’re just as toxic as Steven and Lucy on Tell Me Lies. According to Pres from Barstool, he never liked Zach and he was super controlling and jealous and insecure. SOUNDS LIKE A CHEATER TO ME! So, in short, no relationship is love-song worthy, Zach Bryan is a dirtbag, but I’m probably still going to listen to his music. Sue me.

5. In This House We Stan Kelsea Ballerini.

You hear about Taylor Swift every thirty seconds of every single day, but we don’t yap about Kelsea Ballerini as much and I think that needs to change. She’s also a very talented songwriter who uses real life and struggles to create relatable pop/country songs. She comes across as a very grateful, bubbly, somewhat NORMAL celeb aka she’s fun to follow on social media. AND after a very public divorce from fellow country singer Morgan Evans and lots of mudslinging through music, she’s lived out every girly’s fantasy and slid into John B’s DM’s and they seem to be thriving as a couple. This week she released new album Patterns (if you want a new chorus to scream sing from someone other than T.Swift smash play on Baggage, it’ll treat you right) and for the first time ever played Madison Square Garden, to a sold-out crowd. It was adorable and emotional and from clips I’ve seen on TikTok, she put on a hell of a show. There was a moment where she references her dog in a song off her last album, and this dog happens to currently have cancer, and she broke down, so the entire Garden finish the chorus for her while she sobbed. What a heartwarming moment.

@theconcertgirl
Not a dry eye at Madison Square Garden🥹🙏🏽🐶 @Kelsea Ballerini #kelseaballerini #patterns #madisonsquaregarden #kelseaballerinitok #kelseaballerinimsg #kelseaballeriniconcert #baggage #patternskelseaballerini #concerts #fyp #dibs #penthouse
♬ original sound – The Concert Girl ♥️

The album is great, there’s a song for everyone in there, and if you want to follow someone as they live their dreams and radiate positivity but clearly don’t take themselves too seriously, don’t sleep on Kels. Also, as if I couldn’t slobber over her anymore, her and Chase CRUSHED their coups costume for Halloween because of course.

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Salty Stories

The Salty Ju Turns T E N!

Although it’s true I’ve been salty my whole life, today marks a decade of being salty in a permanent and very public forum. I’ve never once deleted a blog or retracted anything I’ve said, even when it was probably blatantly ill-informed or incorrect. And that my friends, is the beauty of the people’s internet. Say whateva ya want and keep it moving. Since I’ve made this milestone a BFD and hyped it up for several months and forced two celebrations down your throat, it only made sense to also memorialize it on the thing that we’re celebrating in the first place. So, humor me in this reflection/summary of 10 years of doing something…the longest I’ve ever done anything. Or don’t humor me and buzz all the way off, ‘CAUSE I DON’T EVEN WANT YOU READING MY BLOG IF YOU DON’T SUPPORT IT.

The Origin Story

Let me paint a picture of what ten years ago looked like for ya girl. I had moved to Boston in September of 2014. For a job? No. For a boy? That’s very rom-com adorbs, but also no. To get my masters degree at Harvard? HAHAHAHAHA. Nah. I did exactly one calendar year out of college, 8 months of that year living at home and working my first “corporate” job with my sister as my colleague and I said, that’s enough of that. So, I packed up a truck and hit up Allston Christmas, which by the way, was about as terrible as everyone says it is. Moving shit off of a truck on a tiny street with cars parked on either side while everyone else does the same exact thing is stressful AF. What was even more stressful was living off of my savings for the first month there with no job prospects. I’ve had so many hot flings with unemployment, it’s almost hard to keep track at this point but at 23 years old, this was my second or third and that’s already too many for being a fresh college grad. Also, this detail has nothing to do with my employment status, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I was skinny as hell when I moved to Beantown. Like, so skinny that I could wear a hard crop top that showed my belly button and pull it off. This was the last time I could do this. I peaked at 23. Which is also the age I lost my virginity. Coincidence? PROBS NOT.

Ok, back to professional speak now that you see how snatched my waist was. Luckily, I landed a temp gig doing admin work at Boston College and it was while I was doing mind-numbing data entry that I revisited the idea of a blog. To be perfectly honest, I was a HUGE Barstool Sports junkie and had read it every day since I had discovered it in 2009, relating the hardest to blogger KFC, who blogged at his full-time job as an accountant until they finally started making some money and he quit to go FT smut. He was my inspiration not only for his style of writing that was super conversational, but also sneaky blogging while getting paid by another company. He also followed me after I tweeted the below shout-out and clearly read some of my blogs or knew me well enough that when I went to a meet and greet after his comedy show in 2016, he goes IT’S THE SALTY JU and that made my LIFE. Didn’t get me a job. But a semi-famous internet persona knew who I was for a brief moment in time in the 2010’s and we’ll always have that.

I’d be lying if I said when I mulled this blog over that I didn’t have future goals of actually turning it into a job one day. At first I was aiming for the E! News, TMZ, Perez Hilton upper-echelon of celeb goss. I figured, if I ran my blog exactly like they did, that’s just a resume to submit if there was ever an opening for a writer. A few months in, I was setting my sights on Vulture or even Buzzfeed, really moving those goalposts from websites that draw a penis over Lindsay Lohan’s face or report a celeb death before the family is informed, to websites that write quizzes titled “choose a bunch of baby names and I’ll tell you which Disney Princess you are.” FOLKS, SHE IS GOAL ORIENTED.

Anyway, after polling everyone I’ve ever met and asking if they’d read a blog if I wrote it and of course feeling super insecure about it, while also wondering why the hell I chose to make a video for my capping project in college instead of a blog, which is perfect for me and EVERYONE else did it for an easy A… The Salty Ju was born. It certainly didn’t hurt that Taylor Swift dropped 1989, her much-anticipated foray from country into pop and I immediately had material to blab about. Realistically, you couldn’t stop me from blabbing those first few months of blogging. It was like a dam had broken and my 23 years of opinions NEEDED to be released in long-form blog or I would be killed by the Boston strangler. It also set the precedent for me to create Taylor content for every move she made. Something I’ve very much cooled off on, but those eras are forever sealed into the interwebs, which honestly is fine because in comparison to what her fans do now, I was tame.

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If I may, I’d like to really detail how into this blog I got, and how much I assumed it would bring me a blossoming writing career. I started by unloading years of pop culture takes like dissecting what the Olsen Twins wore in the 90’s (my second most viewed blog of all time.) Pre-Internet content was a gold mine for me in the wee Salty Ju days. Then, I was inspired by another writer I had been following, Julie Klausner, a Housewives recap writer for Vulture. I thought, I watch a TON of TV. I could do that too! I started by recapping Real Housewives of Beverly Hills–just like her, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Then, all of my college roomies had been obsessed with The Bachelor and urged me to start watching so I could blog that, too. Didn’t have to ask me twice! My very first season of The Bachelor was Chris Soules in 2015. Being a fresh set of eyes to the Bach universe made me the perfect candidate for recapping because I was gleefully entertained by every trope and had not yet realized every season is exactly the same. Once I was hooked on that, I also added in the network shows I was watching at the time like Nashville or Empire. That’s how I found myself watching TV almost every night with a notebook taking notes, then going into work the next morning and immediately typing out a recap to be posted by 9am the day after a show aired. I reasoned that all of the big pubs make sure recaps are posted by the time you start work the next day (so people like me can read it at their desk.) If you’re a part of Bach Nation, you know that they LOVE a 2 or 3 hour episode. There were some Monday nights where I was staying up until midnight to get as much pre-written as possible so I could still get it published first thing the next morning.

An example of the hard-hitting notes I was taking. Thank God I saved these precious words all these years.

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON AWARDS SHOWS! Realizing I could turn two blogs from one awards show in a red carpet AND a recap, I was doing the most. I’d be sorting through hundreds of red carpet photos while watching the show, taking notes for a recap, AND live tweeting. In the early Twitter days, EVERYONE was talking about the show in real time. Accounts were letting comedians and writers do “takeovers” to give their commentary and obviously, I thought this was my moment to shine. I literally get exhausted thinking of how much I was working on a Sunday night fo free. I feel like this is a nice time to remind everyone *once again* that I have never made a dime off of this blog, nor have I ever been offered any sort of opportunity from it. Instead, I pay an annual fee for the domain and WordPress hosting just simply for this space to exist. But sure, let’s give kids millions of dollars to make ‘get ready with me’ videos on TikTok. 🙄

The Evolution

Now that we’ve established I’m the type of person who has put more time and effort into this website for 10 years than she has into any of her paying jobs combined, I think it’s suffice to say, this blog is incredibly important to me and has been a MASSIVE part of my adulthood. Of course, if this WAS a paying job, I’d probably grow to resent it and lose the spark I’ve managed to keep for this long. I write about exactly what I want to write about, no word count (clearly), no editorial feedback. And if someone reads and likes it, GREAT. And if not, I can remain blissfully unaware that no one likes what I wrote. Unless, like the commenters on my running errands during the workday humor piece, y’all are a bunch of dicks and comment that you hate what I wrote. Thankfully, my salties have only been positive commenters through the years and I truly appreciate that.

Since The Salty Ju’s inception, I’ve had 17 different jobs – honestly, it’s possible that number is higher because even I lose track of how many FT and PT gigs I’ve bounced through in the last ten years. That being said, I’m sure this blog has also cost me job opportunities. If I had a nickel for every time I said “it’s a very specific type of humor and it’s not for everyone,” I’d be able to pay for this domain for the next 10 years. I wear the logo on my sleeve (jean jacket). I changed all of my social media handles to The Salty Ju and at some point came to accept the fact that this isn’t a heightened version of myself for entertainment, it’s really just me. I am the Salty Ju and she is me. I put my actual personality out there for all to see and judge in every snarky blog. Which can work in my favor, like when the only boyfriend I’ve ever snagged supposedly started reading my blog long before we began our courtship, and it became a way for us to flirt and compare notes on classic 90’s flicks in our early dating days. Tip to all future suitors, ya better be a fan of the blog cause it ain’t going anywhere and complimenting my writing is the fastest way to my heart. And let’s get real…in 2019 and 2020 when I was going through a breakup from said boyfriend, then quit my job and moved back home, then that sly minx of a pandemic hit to really solidify the suckfest that was my life, this blog became my lifeline.

Between actual therapy, and me sitting on the couch of my parents guest room every night until 2 am writing “diary” entries that would soon become chapters for a book and eventually “Salty Stories” on the blog, writing was the only thing that kept me moving forward. That year was when The Salty Ju evolved from bitching about People’s Sexiest Man Alive to talking about shitty things that were going on in my life that felt like the end of the world, and trying to make it entertaining enough for others to relate to and laugh at. And thank God for that, because if I hadn’t hit my rock bottom (800 different times), I wouldn’t have thrown every minute of my life into writing a book, which wouldn’t have led me to getting connected with the satire community, which wouldn’t have resulted in getting published on websites other than my own and I never would’ve started taking myself seriously and calling myself a comedy writer. I still mostly do it as a bit, because I have imposter syndrome, but if I may be so bold to put this in writing, my end goal out of this whole adventure is to eventually publish my book. How long will that take? Beats the hell out of me. One thing’s for sure, if I can stick with a blog for this long without turning a profit, and put up with people asking me if I’m Jewish every time I tell them the name AND spell it, I can keep working toward becoming a published author.

The Stats

I’ve always been a numbers nerd because I’m type A and I love the shit out of accomplishing things. That’s why I’ll tell you that in 10 years I’ve published 625 blogs. 200 of those blogs were posted in 2015 (I TOLD you I had a lot to say!) For comparison on just how nuts I really was, in 2023 I published 15 blogs. BIG DIFF. Also, I’m laughing at the stats that WordPress gives me. According to them, my most popular day was February 4, 2019 with 331 views, which is odd because I don’t even think I published a blog that day. And, I’ve had a total of 144,288 visitors. S/O to all of you for finding my corner of the internet either completely on accident, or on purpose. Even if it was to hate-read.

The Highlights

For newcomers, the OG crew, or anyone who can’t remember 625 blogs (ME), below are 10 sleeper picks that hold up, or are just so ridiculous and uniquely me. To be fair, when you blog about timely pop culture events or happenings, with many links to social posts or YouTube videos that inevitably get removed, not much ages well. So I’ve tried to avoid linking to those. One thing that never goes out of style? My annual Hallmark Holiday movie blog that I’ve done all 10 years.

Since I’ve put so much blood, sweat, tears, and diarrhea into this labor of love through the years, it’d be a missed opp not to toss one last promo of old material into the mix. My TV recaps can still be relevant in the binging era as people re-watch or discover old TV shows. So if you happen to dive into the perils of reality TV or BAD scripted music-themed dramas, please don’t forget to follow along with my episodic rants.

And lastly, I’ve curated several playlists to match literally any mood you ever might have. From throwbacks in rap, pop, and punk, to TV specific soundtracks, to summer paloozas, to breakup songs. These are playlists I still have in rotation on the reg, and some I even created weird hype videos to promote. I really will stop at nothing to be embarrassing. Regardless, these playlists are timeless and still slap, so if you have Spotify, check them out!

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The Kudos

AHright, I’m wrapping it up now, I swear. A couple months ago I took a sweatshirt to an event where a vendor does chain-stitching on the spot. I asked her to stitch The Salty Ju, because I can never have too much branded swag. Natch, I had to explain what that means and as I shared that it’s my 10 year old blog, she replied “oh, that’s cool that you’re still blogging, I remember back when it was big and I HAD to read my regular blogs every day.” Most people would let this backhanded compliment fly, but I’m not most people. *in Michael Jordan voice* And I took that personally. I thought she was being condescending AF telling me oh that’s cute you’ve hung onto a dying medium that absolutely no one cares about anymore. And I simmered on it until right now. She’s not wrong. Long-form writing was very much a fad that got WOMPED by the age of social media and audio/video content. Once people realized they could watch a 30 second video, or listen to a podcast while they did other shit, the blog pretty much died. RIP.

Leave it to me to join a trend at its downfall and then never let it out of my cold, dead hands. I DID consider other mediums many times. I attempted a podcast in 2018 and immeds started crying because I hated the sound of my voice. In 2020, I got way more into TikTok, unfortunately attempting dances 😬. I think we can all agree that ain’t me. Writing is what I like to do, and if that’s not cool then in the words of my sassy 7-year-old niece, WHO EVEN CARES?! What’s cool about this decade-long run is that people (you) still read what I have to say. Even if it’s just one person. Even if that one person is related to me and had a direct hand in bringing me onto this earth. HI MOM! 👋🏻 I write because it makes me feel better and if one person gets a case of the HAHA’s from it, that’s pretty awesome.

SO THANK YOU, READER! To my subscribers who get my ramblings delivered right to their inbox, GRAZIE MILLE. Even if those ramblings are delivered right to your spam folder. Still counts. To anyone who has commented or liked or reposted or interacted with any of my work at all on social media, MERCI. I see you, and you’re doing the lord’s work. The algorithm–especially on Facebook–is that the more interaction there is on a post, the longer it will live in a page’s feed and get resurfaced for new people to see. So every little bit helps for my quaint fanbase of Salties. Also, words of affirmation, though not my love language, gives me the warm fuzzies to keep writing. And of course, thank you to anyone who made an effort to celebrate this accomplishment with me IN PERSON in either New Jersey or Syracuse. Showing up to have a drink so I didn’t have to ring in this anniversary alone meant the world to me! If you didn’t make it, please know that you were swiftly added to the list of people who are dead to me. Last but certainly not least, to family and friends who have been a part of blogging fodder willingly or unwillingly, who have been forced to take countless obnoxious solo shots of me everywhere we go, who have been co-stars in my lil videos, who have had to edit writing or give feedback, I quite literally couldn’t have done it without ya. YOU DA REAL ONES.

My salty era is far from over. I’m gonna keep being publicly salty…and vulnerable, messy, self-deprecating, goofy, obnoxious, emotional, opinionated, sarcastic, and keep oversharing out loud for hopefully another decade. ❤️

Salty Stories

Table for One

I’m 33. I’m single. I live alone. I work remotely. And I’m not on the dating apps.

I’m not on the dating apps because I thought I would make my grand debut on Hinge with my 6 stunning photos and witty one-liner prompts and hot men would be falling all over themselves to message me, wondering how exactly such a catch is single. I’ve given Hinge three honest attempts now over the course of the last two years. Spoiler alert: that fantasy of cleaning up the moment I crack open the app never once came true. Instead, I was met with the creaturiest of creatures. Creaturiest isn’t even an adjective and yet I’ve made it one because there’s no other word that can adequately paint the picture of what lies in wait in online dating in the Central Jersey Shore region, age range 30-35. During my last dance with Hinge this past May, I got into a literal war of words with one candidate who couldn’t stop alternating between asking how my week was going or how my weekend was on repeat. At first, I was spitting my A game in sarcasm and hilarious convo starters…giving it the ole college try that this chump might loosen up and start to hold his own in the conversation. By week 2, I realized he only had one move and it was saying the week was crazy and asking how it went for me. And because I’m immature and think everything is fodder for a bit, I then got into a “how’s your week going-off” with this unsuspecting character. I was bloodthirsty for a battle of who could volley it back without actually saying anything of substance more and I wasn’t backing down. I wanted to win. It was clear we were stuck in a TGIF tornado and I wanted to be the last one standing in the eye of the storm. Unfortunately, I’m pretty confident I was talking to an actual robot and finally had to admit defeat. It was like IM’ing with Smarterchild. (s/o to my fellow millennial late-night AIM whores…idk how we can justify chatting with a bot, but I guess it was cool for that time.) Out of all of my fails on Hinge, giving up the “how was your week bit” and letting “Michael” win was my BIGGEST F. Here’s a snippet of ole Pete and Repeat’s robot moves, plus a lil bonus of what someone sent to me after just viewing my profile one time. He wanted to wear my skin to his birthday, obviously.

As you might be able to gather from that glimpse into sheer insanity, being on a dating app and genuinely thinking I’d find a husband from it was not doing great things for my mental health. I was obsessed with checking the app multiple times a day and was disappointed every time I did. I was coming from a place of desperation and the options at my fingertips were grim as hell and all of that made the perfect storm of plummeting my self-confidence and general hopefulness that I’ll ever snag a mans. I’ve come to learn that no one wants to be on that app and therefore has a real negative “this is a last resort” attitude from the jump. Also, men are TRASH at marketing themselves. It’s really not that hard to post some good pictures and be normal answering questions. Seeing the brown trout that I was reeling in on that app was genuinely making me feel like lake scum. I know I’m funny (you do too since you’re reading this right now.) I know I photograph well…or at least I hope so because otherwise the world is being absolutely PUNISHED by how many photos of myself I post on a regular basis. But you would think I’m Ursula with the responses I was getting. So taking all of that into account, I deleted Hinge and said I can find other ways to hurt my own feelings.

So that brings us to present day, where I’m very much not looking to be a lonely old spinster and would LOVE to find a partner, but I’m not subscribing to basically the ONLY method for dating in the year of our Lord 2024. The peanut gallery has told me that deleting the apps means I won’t meet anyone because apparently NO ONE EVER DATED OR GOT MARRIED BEFORE 2013. In my most recent therapy sesh, she urged me to think outside the box of other ways I could put myself out there and meet someone without re-dipping my toe into the cesspool of Hinge. And let me be clear, if you’re itching to make a suggestion and your suggestion includes any of the following cliches that make me want to hurl my body off of a cliff, pls refrain.

You’ll meet someone when you’re not even looking.
It’ll happen when you least expect it.
Trust the timing of your life.
Everyone has their own path.
Enjoy being single and do what you love and you’ll attract the right guy.
Don’t settle.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
Be open to new experiences.

Obviously, everything about my lifestyle is isolating and knowing that, I’ve always made an effort to get out and do things even if it means doing it alone so that I can meet people, connect, and socialize. It’s not always easy…in fact it’s usually pretty difficult to constantly be doing stuff alone when I’d rather be enjoying it with someone. But I’m not going to hide from life just because no one wants to date me, SO SUCK ON THAT. While many of my interests and activities lean more towards the girly groups (craft nights, biking, flower fields, reading Reese Witherspoon Book Club picks, etc.) I figured just existing outside of my home is upping my chances. I’ve tried to work from coffee shops, attend a group exercise class, hang at dog parks, go to the beach, and check out breweries by myself or with the dog. Realistically, my homegirl Charlee should be pulling in mad booty. She’s super cute and friendly as hell. And yet not one time has anyone under the age of 55 ever struck up a conversation with us in public. My dog park group is 85% retirees. On the rare occasion a male in his twenties to thirties shows up at the dog park, I often have to ask myself is this man actually attractive or is he just the only man here that isn’t wearing compression socks.

I even went so far as to taking myself out to dinner on a Saturday night this past summer because I figured no one else is wining and dining me so why not do it for myself. I biked to the local seafood joint, brought my own wine, clammed it up, and read my lil thriller. It was nice to get a change of scenery but I assure you I was surrounded by families all wondering if this was a choice or I got stood up. Since it was beautiful out and good food, the vibes were high and I was able to romanticize the shit out of this sad circumstance and act like I was the main character of an Elin Hilderbrand beach read and not like I couldn’t get a soul to buy me a crabcake.

Now the weather is getting chillier and we’re heading into my favorite seasonal depresh months where it’s dark all the time and the wind is always whipping. GR8! This is when I really need to force myself to go do things. And, of course, always conscious of saving money and not overspending, I’ve got to limit my excursions to live within my means. That’s why when half price sushi night came back at a local restaurant, I immediately thought this would be the perfect sitch to step out on the town solo for another date night. I obsessively checked their Instagram to make sure there was indeed a price cut. One thing about me, I will bend over backwards for a discount. I will die for a deal. Cheap date and proud of it, BB! I put on an adorable outfit, mascara (a rare occurrence these days), and took the 3 min drive downtown. I would’ve biked but the wind has already started it’s 8-month long F-U campaign against humanity. I debated bringing the book I’m reading but made a conscious choice to leave it at home. In my RomCom-saturated brain, I pictured sitting at the bar with no book or phone as a distraction, striking up a convo with another like-minded hottie open to sushi chats for the ultimate fishMEAT-cute.

I walked in, was greeted by the hostess, immediately asked if it was 1/2 price sushi night to be up front with my intentions. She said yes, I asked if I could sit at the bar to which she also gave me the affirmative, and then I did a hot lap of the bar and saw every spot taken with sushi in front of each individual and realized that every other Point Beach resident apparently had the same idea. Get a life, everyone. I hit up the hostess stand again and said I guess I need a table. She asked, “for one?” WOW, WHY DON’T YOU SHOUT THAT INTO A MEGAPHONE SO EVERYONE HERE KNOWS I’M EATING ALONE LIKE STEPHEN GLANSBERG. She then proceeded to sit me basically in her lap at the hostess stand. First high top table by the door, so either I’m getting knocked into by people entering and exiting, blown over by the gust of wind that hurls through every time the door opens, or confused for staff because I’m within touching distance of the hostess stand. GR8 SPOT, BABE! I take in my surroundings as I am facing the entire restaurant like I’m onstage at a freak show and see that there’s one TV in my sightline and it’s playing the YES network pre-game radio show. No sound. No captions. WHO THE HELL PLAYS A RADIO SHOW YOU CAN’T HEAR ON TV?! So I don’t have my book. I can’t feign interest in the TV because I’d literally be watching Michael Kay yap into a microphone without knowing what he’s actually saying. And every time I just look out into the room, I awkwardly catch eyes with someone and shit gets weird. You wanna yell at our generation for having our noses buried in our phones? WELL, WHAT OTHER CHOICE DO WE HAVE?

I sat staring into the abyss for an uncomfy amount of time. So much time that the hostess actually asked if someone had been over to take my order yet. I guess when you sit on the sidewalk it’s easy to be forgotten. Surprised someone didn’t ask me how long the wait was. One gentleman did ram his entire body into my table coming off of the bar too hot and had I gotten my drink yet, I would’ve been wearing it. No apologies were made because I had an invisibility cloak on, apparently. A guy finally comes over, takes my drink order and because I’m awkward I didn’t tell him I was ready to order too since I had a cool 45 mins with the menu to decide. Yep, you read that correctly, I’m so terrified of speaking up, that not disrupting the server ‘drinks then entree’ pattern is a fabulous example of how crippled I am by day-to-day interactions. Yet I’ll write an entire blog about one bad night and share all of my vulnerabilities on the world wide web. I AM a riddle, folks! But like, a fun one? I should save that tagline for the next time I’m forced to answer an online dating prompt.

Anyway, the server comes back and takes my order and I notice that there’s no verbiage on the menu about what counts for 1/2 price and what doesn’t, so I assume the whole menu is fair game. I order sashimi and rainbow roll. It comes out 5 mins later…the perks of eating skinned cold fish. In that time the radio on TV has switched to Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What a perfect dinner time show! I get to shove a roll in my mouth while humans get sliced and diced in front of my face. The ambiance is stunning. There’s two guys around my age sitting at the high top next to me putting away massive amounts of sushi and I have basically fallen out of my seat leaning to check if they have wedding rings. That’s how committed I was to still turning this night into a W. Then I saw a pretzel with cheese delivered to their table and almost puked in my mouth. Sushi and a pretzel? What are you two, serial killers?!

I delete my sushi at warp speed. TBH, it wasn’t even that good. I goofed and ordered sashimi thinking it was nigiri and was immediately disappointed when it was delivered sans rice. The rainbow roll was cut so big that I had more than one occasion where my mouth was so full I thought I was going to choke…let the records show I’ve never seen a bite too big…or the fish was flopping out of my mouth and I had to unattractively poke it back in with the chopsticks. I locked eyes with a staff member mid-cheeks full and overflowing with raw fish bite and she literally made a face of pity at me. It’s time for me to hit the road, Jack. I signaled for the check and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT, that baby shows FULL PRICE SUSHI. I call my nervous awkward bird of a server back over and say this is supposed to be half price. He magically produces a paper insert menu with HALF PRICE SUSHI in block letters at the top. He tells me that ironically, I ordered two things not included on that specialty menu. COLOR ME SHOCKED!

Natch this is the first time I’m seeing this menu, which leads me to believe the hostess had it out for me from the get-go, even before my dumpster table choice. She knew what I was here for and slipped that discount menu right on out with a sleight of hand. I’m nothing if not inappropriate, so I replied to my server, “well F me, right?!” He was certainly not expecting that response but he saw the “I’m cheap AF” glint in my eye and knew I wasn’t going down without a fight. He told me he’d go see if he could fix the bill. KthxbyEEEEEE! I’m not saying he’s the problem, because this was clearly hostess girl-on-girl crime, but if someone orders sushi on a half price sushi night, wouldn’t you take a beat to say, I don’t know if you know this but those aren’t included in the deal? I could either say, sure I’m rich, I don’t need to nickel and dime you for mid sush. Or what I would’ve said is YEAH, OBVIOUSLY I AM HERE ONLY FOR A DISSY, DUDE. WHICH ONES ARE THE CHEAPIES? Either way, he would’ve given me the option. Not really a crack team here.

He returns to the table, slides the bill over to me, and purrs, “I talked to some people and took care of it.” OH, OK PHIL! Did you just wink? Am I dating my server now? Did I get what I wanted after all? I’m kidding, Phil can’t handle me. I paid the bill and beat it out of there as fast as I could but not before noticing the bar was wide open when I left. Sometimes it doesn’t pay to be 33 trapped in a 65 year old’s body that will literally wither away if she doesn’t eat dinner at 5pm sharp. I live in an early bird special town and that doesn’t bode well for chair availability. I’d never survive in Boca.

As always, I relive this fail of a night on my drive home, already thinking about how I must blog another CLASSIC Salty Ju hopeful to a fault, fantasy-bursting, mediocre experience. I was already looking forward to ripping my bra off and getting into soft clothes and probably never leaving my home again. But NOPE, the universe had one more practical joke in store for me. In the form of a LITERAL practical joke. As I drive down the road leading to my neighborhood, I see teenagers up ahead in the middle of the road. Since I’m not looking to kill a child, I naturally slow down, which isn’t hard since the speed limit is already 25 and I’m barely crawling. That’s when I see two lil punks meet in the middle of the road, hold their hands out, and run back towards the edges where their stupid lil punk friends are waiting, iPhones out, flash on, cameras rolling. Since I’m hip to the Tok, I know exactly what they’re doing because I’ve seen it before while doom scrolling. It’s a “prank” kids do where they mime like they’re pulling a rope across the road, and then film drivers’ reactions. If I had to guess, your chance of getting an outraged reaction from a Jersey driver is about 8 million percent higher than anywhere else in the country. So these little shits are pretty smart. They get their Tok views from their dumbass high school buddies and a laugh.

NOT TONIGHT, BITCHES. I was a SECOND away from womping on the horn and screaming FUCK ALL THE WAY OFF out the window. A real R-rated version of old man yelling get off my lawn. KIDS THESE DAYS. Go back to ding dong ditching, ya fools. I’m so afraid for our future if this is what youths are doing for weeknight entertainment. What’s even more sad is that these f*ckfaces will end up making six figures from a post like that in the era of influencers as a career. I sped through and gave them a dirty look, which is my idea of confrontation. I also wished (in my head and through text) that one of them gets clipped. I’m not a monster, I don’t want a kid getting seriously injured but would LOVE a lil dust-up with a side mirror or something. Just enough to scare them straight.

Listen, I’d like to end this story with the fact that I’m never going out for solo bargain sushi again, or that I’m never going out again full stop. But we all know that’s not true. As long as I’m breathing I’m going to keep trying and then weaving a tale for the greater good when I end up mortified. In fact, If you’re a long-time listener, first time caller and this story rang a little familiar it’s because I told almost the same exact story after attending Taylor Swift Trivia. The only difference is that three years later I’m out looking for a man to dine with and not 22 year old friends who know what time Taylor Swift was born. That’s called growth, baby! So whatdya think? Should we continue the saga? Do I keep tabling for one and reporting back until I’m a skeleton? LMK.

Also, not a cry for help but kind of a cry for help…if you have any suggestions or know of any babe sodas interested, I’ve really had to kick the huzz hunt into high gear after finding a mouse living in my grill for the second time in the past three months. A grill that I use every single night. And let’s not forget about the Stuart Little that was cruising around in my glovebox last November. So, REALLY need a bruh to manage all of the rodents trying to infiltrate my life and punish me for merely existing. I am a beautiful princess but I’m not trying to be Cinderella out here kickin it with mice pals so there is an urgent need to fill this prince role by EOY. Pls inquire within. And don’t even think about asking me how my week is going.

JUice

Weekly JUice – Oct 4, 2024

1. A Montana Boyz Heartbreak.

I was going to blab about these two a few weeks back when I nearly cringed out of my skin listening to them interact and talk about their sex life on a “truth or drink” podcast episode. The universe gave me a second chance to pop off because after 7 months, they are DUNZO. It was laugh out loud funny back in the spring when Kristin debuted her new relashe with a fresh outta college TikTok star. It was even funnier when every time Kristin opened her mouth on her pod (I’m an avid listener, obv) she was slobbering all over how hot this man is. Take another look at the photo above. This guy is a Frankenstein double. The girth of his head and surface area of his forehead gives Julia Stiles a run for her money. I imagine this is why he’s typically wearing a giant hat, trying desperately to cover up that five head. What’s certainly not doing him any favors is his mullet. Not just any ole mullet, but a mullet with blonde highlights…

I’m sorry but Kristin is a smokeshow. She’s in her late thirties and she looks better than ever. I couldn’t for a second fathom why she was dating this block head who rose to TikTok stardom from LIP SYNCING country songs. Nope, that’s it. That’s what made him and his boyz go viral. They stand in a line and rotate mouthing the words. I really wanted to be in the camp of supporters that were like GOOD FOR HER! DATE A YOUNG HOTTIE AND HAVE SOME FUN! Except that her ex-husband was a million times hotter than this chooch. So I waited. I waited while she gushed over how he’s different than other guys because he’s not threatened by her job. And he gets her flowers. And he tells her she’s really pretty. (Gotta know what creatures Kristin has been dating that telling her she’s pretty means marriage material.) I waited while they seemed to cross the threshold of “should I have more kids for this guy who is still pretty much a kid himself?” And then the last straw was their podcast together where he barely uttered full sentences but one of them was “you’re the best sex I’ve ever had.” And she replied “omg I am?! you’ve never told me that!!” BABE HE’S 24. THAT IS NOT A LOT TO COMPARE TO.

Rumors hit the tabs on Friday that they split, but I wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth and I didn’t have to wait long because she let it slip at a live show Friday night and then told everyone to keep it quiet until her podcast episode dropped Tuesday with the news. YA right. TikTok LIT up with clips. I made her pod appt TV Tuesday morning… I mean, I literally watched it on YouTube frothing for the goss. And of course, there wasn’t any. She had nothing but nice things to say about this big ooga booga dum dum kid from Montana. She said he was the best boyfriend she ever had, best relationship she’s ever been in, has zero regrets, but ultimately the age difference was just not going to work long-term. For any girlies who watched The Idea of You, it was that without the popstar aspect. She realized she’d be ruining his life by keeping him so she released him back into the world to be a kid who just graduated from college and makes TikTok videos and not a stepdad and a purse holder of a successful woman nearing her forties. And who knows, maybe just like that movie (spoiler alert) this little puppy comes crawling back after he’s done plowing through all the single chicks in Nashville and is ready to settle down. But I’m guessing Kristin will be snatched up pretty soon. I’m just glad she came to her senses and shut it down. As for the Montana Boyz, they’ll start filming a reality show soon so get ready for these dummies to hit the big screen–something literally none of us ever asked for.

@montana.boyz
Head in a mess!! #fyp #montanaboyz
♬ One Number Away – Luke Combs

2. Grandpa Slim.

You’ve gotta have a heart of stone not to tear up at this. Eminem, big ole tough guy rapper, has always been a softie for his daughter. Pretty cool for someone from his background with the issues he’s had to have a kid at 23, raise her to be a normal human and still have a great relationship with her. He’s still putting out new music and hasn’t retired from the rap game yet and now he’s going to be Grandpa Slim. More importantly, he was already embracing the style of a geriatric prior to his daughter even getting preggers so he should slide into this role seamlessly if he keeps putting these honkers on his face in order to see words.

3. Ellen Didn’t Enjoy Being Cancelled.

Not fresh news, but what can I say it’s a slow week. Ellen made her “comeback” with a Netflix comedy special where she addresses getting cancelled and disappearing for a few years. I have never ONE TIME wondered what Ellen was up to in the past few years or wondered what she had to say. Truly. My mom was a big Ellen stan back in her heyday. Used to dance with her in the kitchen. Thought she was hysterical. Then started to fall off because you can only be obsessed with a white woman dancing over her coffee table for so many years before the schtick is old. Back in my college intern days, I heard many fellow slaves tell me that they’ve either experienced firsthand or heard through the Hollywood grapevine that Ellen’s a huge dick and sucks to work for. And obviously that was her downfall. She was investigated and the court of public opinion said GTFO of here, ya meanie! There’s nothing I hate more than a fake bitch and someone who built an entire empire on kindness actually being a total f*cking twat deserves to lose said career. Which of course, she didn’t. She’s still getting paid probably the big bucks to do a special and she’ll continue to wah-wah about this. Her special addresses the therapy she had to go through because everyone hated her. And yet her special doesn’t address AN APOLOGY. Any ownership. Really any sort of recognition that she does indeed suck, and was terrible to her employees and actually isn’t really a nice person at all. So how about we NOT reward this bad behavior and lazy, shitty jokes, and let her fade back into oblivion. She had her moment. It’s time to say bye bye to Ellen. Step over that coffee table and dance right off the stage, beb.

4. Everybody Wants This.

Everyone’s all about the new Netflix Rom-Com Series “Nobody Wants This” and it’s worth the hype. Kristen Bell and Adam Brody are drumming up all of the millennial nostalgia (really mostly Adam Brody) with a funny, emotionally mature take on a love story. Quick synopsis: Joanne and her sister Morgan have a podcast about their dating/sex life that I wish was a real life pod because these two are hysterical togets but obviously never funnier than my sister and I are…and Noah is a rabbi. Noah and Joanne have a meet-cute at a mutual friend’s dinner party and the rest of the series follows their courtship in 10 half-hour episodes that really fly by. They face the possibility of head Jew and a non-Jew being together with all of the side storylines and quirks of their families and friends sprinkled in. It’s adorbs and most importantly, it’s the most emotionally available (what’s that like?) male lead I’ve ever seen. It should come as no shock that the boy who made Seth Cohen a nerdy, sarcastic 2000’s heartthrob, grew up to be a hot funny rabbi who can handle some tough feelings talks.

Girls everywhere (me) are pining to date this fictional character, even if we don’t know how old he is. (That’s my only gripe with this show…they don’t speak of age but Kristen and Adam are clearly in their forties, and LOOK like they’re in their forties, and yet I think they’re supposed to be playing early thirties…real stretch here. Not even botox can make us believe that.) But seriously though, this moment below in itself (spoiler alert but actually not really a spoiler because there’s no context at all to it) is better than porn for girls. For any girl who’s ever been told she’s too much (me, me, me, me, me) this character and the hope that he exists in the real world and not just in a script will heal you.

5. YA GOTTA BELIEVE!

The New York Metropolitans are in the NLDS for the first time since 2015 and the week I finally snagged a glam shot with the Mrs. (and partied with the whole gang) was the week they turned their entire season around and started winning like nobody’s biz. Coincidence? I think not. You may be wondering, ok but how does this count as celebrity news and to that I say, HOW DARE YOU NOT CONSIDER MRS. MET A CELEBRITY?! You better hope Mr. Met didn’t hear you besmirching her good name so he doesn’t have to go all Will Smith and tell you to keep his wife’s name OUTCHA MOUTH. Sorry not sorry, I’m PUMPED. I’ve been watching hype videos since the dubb last night and I’m ready to run through a brick wall and also salsa my face off to OMG! PS my lifelong diehard Mets fan of an ex-boyf declared the season was over in May, refusing to watch games for an entire month and therefore he does not deserve to celebrate this sweet, sweet victory of a team that literally will not quit and keeps coming back for more. In May I said, it’s only May, don’t be so dramatic. AND GUESS WHO WAS RIGHT. Apparently some of us lack the full spectrum of human emotions and therefore just don’t know how to BELIEVE. CUE THE MOTHAFUCKIN MUSIC! (Sorry for cursing, dad, but let me have this one cause I’m FIRED ALL THE WAY UP.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice – Sept 27, 2024

I know how ridiculous of me it was to be like the JUIce is back, bitches! And then immediately take a week off. In my defense, I had planned on doing one last week but then I came back from NYC on Thursday and had fresh guests arriving Friday at noon. So realistically, my social calendar didn’t allow for it. And I actually was bummed because it seems like now that I’m JUicing again, the celeb headlines are coming hot & heavy. So forgive me if I dip into last week’s news as well, or report on some ongoing goss because I’m literally bursting with opinions.

1. N*SYNC IS SO BACK.

If you know me off the blog, you know I’ve been rumbling about this for an entire year now. Refer to this tweet for proof:

Is my dad forever a #GirlDad of boyband crazy teens or forever being shamed for the time he got us tickets to the N*SYNC celebrity tour then took them away from us for “bad behavior” and took my oldest sister and her two stupid friends instead. Dad, if you’re reading this, you can make it up to me and Nikki by emptying your life savings into tix to this tour and a M&G. Put that Amex to WERK. (Let the records show that we berated him back then too and he did eventually buy another round of tickets but THAT MEANS MY OLDEST SISTER GOT TO SEE THEM TWICE AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN REALLY LIKE THEM.) #NEVERFORGET.

AnYwAy…a year ago TikTok was buzzin with an N*SYNC reunion…then in total breadcrumbing style they stretched it out all year long. In September we got the first N*SYNC tune in FOREVA called Better Place. INSTANT banger but also made for a Trolls movie. Then JT releases new music and announces an album. Album drops in March and there’s another N*SYNC song on it. It kinda sucks. It’s slow and about being old but still being gr8. It’s certainly no “Gone.” Then in promo for his album and pending tour, they reunite onstage for one of his private free ticket pop-up shows in LA. Not for nothing, but I tried to get ticcies to his show in NYC and I’m fully convinced the tickets were exclusively for rich people and Tok influencers because he just wanted buzz for his first album in 6 years. The album sucks…go figure. The N*SYNC chatter dies down because JT has taken center stage as a solo act again and just used them as a gimmick and to tease people. Karma came back around for that selfish lil bitch when he caught a DUI in the Hamptons. Luckily for me, he gave me “this is totally going to ruin the world tour,” which I freely used at every minor inconvenience all summer long. It didn’t ruin the tour…his shit album probably did. But never doubt the powers of a famous person, he got off with only one request: issue a public apology. This was his “apology” where he no less than 10 times not so subtly referenced only having one drink, making it seem like he was unjustly charged. Mmk, babe. Cut to this week, where Lance is verbally confirming to every news outlet that they’re working on something.

EVERYONE BE COOL. It’s happening. And honestly not a minute too soon because I just recently saw JC in a Meow Mix commercial and Chris Kirkpatrick has been emcee’ing 90’s pop tours with reject boy banders at deserted shopping malls. When I alerted my sister to the breaking news, she immediately crushed my dreams by stating the obvious…these tickets will be harder to obtain than The Eras Tour. And as someone who lost years of her life trying to go to the Eras Tour, that’s NOT music to my dang dong ears. Also, clearly a pub stunt for JT who continues to look like a selfish dick over and over again. Honestly, not even mad about that but if Ticketmaster fucks this up, THIS IS TOTALLY GOING TO RUIN THE WORLD TOUR.

2. Diddy Down.

I almost yapped about this in my JUice comeback a couple weeks ago but honestly thought he’d get away with it again and didn’t want to draw any more attention to a rich dirtbag who will continue to be a rich dirtbag. But boy am I glad I waited because the jig is up, Puff. Last week Diddy was charged with racketeering conspiracy, sex trafficking, and transportation to engage in prostitution. He was peddling his typical “this is all false and people are just accusing me because they’re seeking money or fame” BS. And then BAM, he gets indicted and tossed in the slammer without bail until the hearing. HALLELUJAH! Let him ROT. Last spring is when the wheels started to really fall off for Diddy. After SEVERAL accusations and court cases of abuse that he seemed to shake off, an investigation from the feds started, he beat it out of the country and then his house was being raided. TONS of videos resurfaced of him being generally creepy and odd “we’ve just taken in this teenager into our family who has perfectly good parents but now she’s in our family” announcements from the past. The grand finale was a video of him beating the absolute snot out of Cassie in a hotel hallway from 2016. Cassie was his girlfriend for 11 years (and a singer on his label) who had also taken him to court for abuse in 2023 and as Diddy does, he denied it all and got away scot-free and this tape didn’t see the light of day until now. From what I’m gathering via the clips that I saw and interviews with other singers, it is a well-known secret that Diddy is an absolute scumbag and always has been. He doesn’t discriminate on gender, he’ll sexually assault anyone he feels like, and everyone for years has just let it happen and been like ope that’s just Puffy…his parties are crazy!!

So obviously, F this guy and anyone who looked the other way or joined in on his crimes like most of his staff did. The raid of his house in March resulted in the feds finding guns, drugs, and more than 1,000 bottles of lube. MORE THAN ONE THOUSAND BOTTLES. Honestly that alone is proof that he’s raping errebody. You lube up for butt stuff or when the recipient IS NOT A WILLING PARTICIPANT (or they’re a dried up ole cactus, but let’s be real here, that’s not on the table with a famous rapper.) His lawyer claims he had that much lube because American’s buy in bulk…I’ll just let that sit there. Costco has already made a statement that they don’t sell baby oil. Anywho, the second Diddy realized they weren’t wavering and letting him out on bail, he was put on suicide watch because of course. And my favorite two cents, Suge Knight made a statement that someone will probably hurt Diddy in prison “to make a name for themself.” Thank God he spoke out because I was really DYING for a murderer’s opinion on a serial rapist and sex trafficker. One can only hope another prisoner gives Diddy a taste of his own medicine. Keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn’t weasel his way into an innocent ruling from this trial and that the music industry creeps start falling like dominoes in a revival of #MeToo. PS: items 1 & 2 colliding 😮

3. Tree Hill Divided.

*NICHE* audience alert. If you didn’t watch 9 seasons of this teen soap, you’re not gonna give an F about this dramz. Unless, like me, you gobble up any sort of drama even if you know nothing about it. In which case, I’ll give you the cliff-notes of this tea to catch you up to speed. One Tree Hill was a teen show in the age of The OC and Gossip Girl where high school meant pregnancies and shootings and banging your teacher. As previously reported by The Salty Ju, One Tree Hill was the first show to band together and do a takedown of their creator in the #MeToo era. They outed Marc Schwann for not only being an inappropriate and abusive pig, but also for pitting them all against each other and creating a feeling on set that it was every WOman for ~~him~~HERself. In an effort to take back the show, the three leads created a re-watch podcast a few years back and they’ve been podcasting each episode, serving BTS goss that further implicates the gross environment happening while they filmed. It’s juicy and obviously I haven’t missed an epi. Well, all was grand with that until this past year when it became very clear that Hilarie Burton and Bethany Joy were beefing. Some snarky things were posted, social media accounts were blocked, and podcast episodes were starting to miss one or the other until July when it was announced that Hilarie was off the pod and Robert Buckley would be taking her place. On a podcast called Drama Queens, which has been HEAVILY feminist and “take back our sisterhood, f*ck the man” vibes. Listeners were like WTF, rightfully so. And right around when that happened, news dropped of an OTH reboot in the works at Netflix led by none other than Sophia Bush, Hilarie Burton, Danneel Harris, & Bevin Prince.

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And it became VERY clear that this “inclusive” remake was actually just the girls who are still besties working on something and leaving out who they don’t want around. Joy has had no association with this announcement, hasn’t commented on anything, and it’s become glaringly obvious that they mean girled her out of it. I mean, Sophia is on a weekly podcast with her and cut her out of the deal. That’s some bullshit right there. A few weeks went by and Chad Michael Murray confirmed he’s not involved (not shocking considering him and Sophia rarely cross paths if they can help it.) Then Joy teased an announcement and it ended up being an interview/reunion with James for her magazine that she apparently has. And this week they each gave interviews saying they know nothing about this reboot AKA they weren’t invited. This past week we got another glimpse of the house divided when Shantel VanSanten (Quinn) gave a podcast interview where she said she heard about the reboot in the news along with everyone else and would only consider participating “if it was about fairness and inclusivity.” BAM. Real rich of Hilarie and Sophia to be on their high horses parading through the streets for women’s rights and being treated with kindness and it turns out they’re just a couple of bullies. Hilarie also gave an interview this week and said, “What I can say is that this go-around, being able to work with a team of women and look at these stories [and] these characters through a female lens is something that — whether I was doing a reboot or a brand-new show or a different movie at this phase in my life, female teamwork is something that is so vital to me,” Burton said. “It is the core of anything I’ve done that’s successful. So I’m excited to be able to team up with people that I look up to, people that I love dearly.” If I was Joy I’d be middle fingers up posting a takedown of this bullshit.

To further hammer the point home, there was a big reunion convention this past weekend and Sophia only posted pictures with the same cast members, Danneel wore a blinged belt that said producer (as she’s an EP with Sophia and Hilarie on the reboot) and Joy and James were nowhere to be found in any of their postings. Not putting out inclusive vibes, GIRLEEZZEEEE!

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4. Child Star.

I did the Lord’s work and watched this so you don’t have to. It was a SUPER random mixture of child stars, half of whom I’ve never felt the need to hear from again, and here are some of my hard-hitting thoughts in bullet form (because of course I took notes.)

Before we get into the movie, I have a bone to pick with Hulu, who just sent a casual alert that they’ll be raising their price, who I already pay $80 a month to for live TV, and we can’t get through a feature film without them serving me 100 commercials. THAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.
Onto my overall hot take on this film…it doesn’t know what it wants to be. Demi clearly wanted to talk about her own life and story…which she’s done now in 2 separate docs so it really wasn’t necessary, and she definitely wants to promote her new music, but she’s doing it under the guise of interviewing other child stars. We really didn’t need her hands in this because then we could’ve heard these other stars stories without Demi overshadowing or one-upping their trauma. When Kenan and Raven are like yikes, bitch your life was crazy, you know it’s time to stop putting your two cents in and let them just share their truths. On top of this weird ‘she’s interviewing people while also being interviewed back by them’ dynamic, there’s parts about legislation and appearances from reporters and people lobbying for rights and flashbacks to Shirley Temple and more than once I was like what are we watching here? Pick a story to tell.
Kenan wore sunglasses for his entire interview and it was suuuuuuuch a douche move.
Drew Barrymore used to get high at 10 with her mom’s friend. Coming from someone who has never gotten high, I quite literally gasped at that.
JoJo Siwa posts 250-300 posts a day on Snapchat. I mean…💀💀💀
It felt a little tacky to be skirting the entire topic of abuse of child actors hot off the heels of that Nickelodeon doc. Sure, they all (except Kenan) brushed upon struggles that they had with addiction or eating disorders, but now that we’ve seen how Nick was operating at that time–which btw Kenan claims he never witnessed, I have to imagine Disney had similarities and to not touch on that was odd.
The credits rolled, I saw Scooter Braun was a producer and I shouted OH FUCK THIS on my couch to no one. Discredited the whole thing.

Guh’ head and skip this one…but NGL, the Demi song slapped, as her music always does.

5. ARE YA IN OR ARE YA OUT, JEN?!

Again, a carry-over from last week, but still on-going news. Ben and Jen were out in Hollywood and although they looked like they wanted to murder each other in paps photos as they always do, many sources reported them canoodling inside all day long. And it’s like FIGURE IT OUT, GUYS. Are you going to keep peddling this fate brought us back together love story? Or are you going to be real (LISTEN TO YOUR OWN LYRICS, JLO) and admit the reunion was fun for like 6 months of banging and then you realized you’re wildly incompatible. Ben wants to stay out of the spotlight, rip ciggs and mainline Dunks. Jen wants attention 24/7 and will literally never stop grinding in movies and music. THE JIG IS UP. This past week Jenny from the Block uploaded a selfie with a necklace that says Ben and it was immediately taken down like OOPSIE that wasn’t supposed to be posted! OK WELL ARE YOU TWO GETTING DIVORCED OR NAH? Cut the shit.

BONUS: Hoda announced she’s leaving the Today Show

Apparently everyone on the show was shocked by this news, but an article mentioned that her daughter has some health problems and it kinda seems like a no brainer that as a single mom, she’s spending QT with her kids, especially if one needs more attention. She’s an icon, and I used to love the Hoda & Kathie Lee era of guzzlin wine and babbling nonsense. I find Jenna Bush Hager to be incredibly screechy, so can’t say I’ve dabbled since Kath left, but Hodesters will be missed. Also an excuse to post one of my favorite SNL repeating sketches that was honestly v accurate of how KLG and Hodes interacted on the daily.

Red Carpet

Emmys Red Carpet 2024

I spent Thursday through Sunday alternating between pool and beach soaking up peak summer sunshine because may I remind you, summer does not *officially* end until September 21st and it felt a little jarring to be thrown back into awards season. I’d like to petition the Emmys to move to later in the month. I’m not ready for it yet. It’s too soon. So please accept this rusty re-initiation into red carpet season with a promise that it will get better. Luckily for us all, I’ll have some time to properly adjust and regulate my seasonal moods before we really start gaining steam in the colder months when there’s nothing else to wake up for.

WORST

It physically pains me to put Connie with the Good Hair on the worst dressed list but this gown is TERRIBLE.

This pattern is way too busy. It definitely looked better on TV than it does up close in a still photo, but literally looking at it right now is giving me a headache. If I may, the compliment bread to this insult is her leg looks amazing and her dark pedi is ALMOST making me want to go back to the days when I Lincoln Park After Dark’ed my fingers and toes the second the calendar changed to September.

A literal knight in full armor would take one look at this getup and be like wtf are you wearing? Why would you give an optical illusion that you have BOTH linebacker shoulders and a FUPA the size of the Liberty Bell?

Ma’am. Someone ripped a curtain off of the rod and fastened it around your neck. You cannot convince me otherwise.

It’s giving creepy doll that came to life. What was that horror movie last year? Megan? That was Brie’s inspiration for this look. I understand dressing like a 5 year old is making a comeback with bow culture, but pairing a bow with a cupcake tiered tulle is a scooch TOO toddlers & tiaras.

REEBZ. HOLY MULLET. Imagine not realizing your updo gives you biz in the front, party in the back on accident? Yoikes. Also this reflectively busy emerald pantsuit is A CHOICE. A single mom who works too hard, who loves her kids and never stops deserves better.

Bad color, bad Edward Scissorhands hack job at the bottom of the gown, and I’m sorry to h8 my own kind, but what’s the happs with these curls? Alright that felt like a step too far. I take it back. Mostly because I don’t want bad curl karma. I’ve had curly hair for 33 years and I still don’t know how to properly style it. So instead I’ll say, what’s your routine, Juno? Those curls are CURLIN.

STOP GIVING YOURSELVES POINTY SHOULDERS OR I’LL COME OUT THERE AND POKE YOU REPEATEDLY UNTIL YOU STOP.

I feel like I would’ve liked this gown better without the flowers. But also, logistically speaking, how does one walk in this cocoon? Her foot is FIGHTING FOR ITS LIFE to pop out and show off those shoes.

Maybe if she wasn’t busy playing rugby while she was in Paris last month she would’ve known that the fashion capital of the world would DRAG HER for wearing PEPLUM on a red carpet. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

What’s with the boog sash, Leese?

I’m so confused by this “dress” but I know drapes when I see them. We as a society need to stop encouraging curtains as formalwear.

I don’t know if I just haven’t seen Kathy Bates since she guest-starred on The Office 10 years ago or what, but she lost a shit-ton of weight. Good for her! Here’s my bone to pick. That hairstyle ages her at least 1600 years. The pulled back bouffant is exclusively for ancient women in the 1400’s and if she wore her hair in literally any other way, she would’ve looked like a stone-cold stunna.

This obviously isn’t the VMA’s where people dress for shock value, so you’ll notice that instead of being disgusted and putting someone on the worst dressed list to publicly shame them, I have a lot of far less dramatic: “not quite hitting for me” commentary. And that’s exactly what this is. She doesn’t look bad by any means, but I’ve seen her crush it with much bolder outfits so this is real snoozy.

Well now we’re quickly back to publicly shaming because this shirt should be a costume for a flamenco dancer and nothing else. Also, some of the hardest flares I’ve ever seen. Nearly JNCO’s. Clean it up.

I cannot get past this chunky pendant. The dress is whatever but what the hell is going on with that sorcerer’s stone hanging round her gullet? Does it hold evil powers?

What an odd style for a black-tie event. Very fall, but also what your aunt might wear to brunch. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen someone wear a boot to an awards show, other than country awards of course.

We get it, you lift.

A buttoned peplum IS STILL A PEPLUM.

Could honestly flip flop either way on this but the more that I dwell on the top of this dress, the more I feel like it looks like a piece of macaroni.

It’s like the one man show that sings the male and female parts by turning sides.

This is very casino-esque and more in an Atlantic City way rather than Vegas way, if you catch my drift. It’s just so loud and bright and I feel like there could’ve been better options to make her stand out but not look tacky. That being said, glad she got her first W amongst Hollywood elite nominees. Suck it, Meryl.

I don’t know that the Emmys are the event for a Jessica Rabbit va-va-voom gown. Came in a little hot with this one.

Never like to put a host on the worst dressed list but I’ve done far more cutthroat things in red carpets past. This shirt evokes so many feelings and none of them are positive. The halfsie turtleneck is so perplexing. Why not do a full wrap-around collar. It’s like vampire if the vampire is only shy about showing half of his face. It’s like if you stuck your napkin in your top button but a strong gust blew it up. It’s like you put a hoodie on sideways. It’s like RAAAAIIII-AYE-ANEEEEEEEE on your wedding day. Just kidding. But seriously what was the point of that Shakespearean neck decor.

Top half is politician and bottom half is hideous. Let’s just fasten it all together with a white bow why don’t we! Also, white pointy pumps?! Are those coming back too? What a joy to watch some of the worst trends of each generation coming out to play this year.

BEST

We’ll allow it because Alan is actually Scottish and therefore can wear traditional outfits from his country and be seen as cool and cultured rather than trying to make Christmas happen 3 months early.

Love the black widow to the baby blue.

BARBARA JEAN MAKING A COMEBACK WITH BIG HAIR AND A CAPE! GET IT GURL.

This photo made me cream my jeans. The tinted shades, the chesties, the cocky pose. Nailed it.

Elegant with a little peekaboo pizazz!

Whether in undies on a billboard or a classic black tux, that smolder will melt panties.

Oh ok, Meryl with your cotton candy suit. Go off.

Feathers are so F-U cocky, I love it. Especially in this soft pink. Also omg am I seeing double?! BITCH STOLE MY LOOK ON A RED CARPET?!

REESE!!! Always in a plain primary color dress with the same straight hair, I’m living for this breath of fresh air for her. Love the embroidered florals and top knot!

Hot damn, Diane! It’s like the first time I straightened my hair in 6th grade and looked like a brand new person. Or I guess, a slightly less frizzy version head accented by watermelon-colored braces. I feel like Diane is often an updo girlie and this hair is sleek as hell. Really sets the tone for this whole chic ‘fit.

I realize I moments ago said the Emmys aren’t for a Jessica Rabbit va-va-voom and this is EXACTLY that. But respect your elders. Sofia Vergara built a career on wearing this type of dress and dropping jaws and then opening her mouth and sounding like a fork in a garbage disposal and covering ears. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

This dress truly looks like metallic liquid on her bodice and all the respect for knowing exactly how to pose it to create this delish optical illusion.

Didn’t get a whole lot of big ole ball gowns last night so I extra appreciate this moment. Great color on her and of course, spicy leg pop.

Many ladies went for the sparkle and I ate that shit right up. This dress is the perfect style for her and I love the rose detail, a nod to Moira Rose perhaps?

I die for monochrome coordinates and the cape, dress, and purse all being the exact same color is doing things for me. Beautiful!

This pose makes me want to get wrapped in a big ole bear hug by Billy. At first I thought he was wearing a cardigan and honestly I liked that better than a jacket. Billy can wear pretty much anything and look huggable.

I would die for this gown. STUNNING.

Probably would’ve gone less Christmas clown with the lip if it were me, but the dress is simple elegance.

A rich PLUM. YUM.

Perfect blue tie! Eugene looking dapper for 1/2 of the hosting gig.

A timeless look for her first nom.

I tried to make all of my friends feel bad for me today as I pointed out the sliver of white skin that was showing because I was wearing higher cut bikini bottoms and I wanted everyone to feel my pain that in just a few short months my entire body will be that color once again as winter suffocates me and ruins my life and my beautiful sun-kissed skin. And then I saw this photo. My winter skin could be considered the ebony to Dakota Fanning’s ivory. Holy shit that’s a pasty complexion. Near translucent. I’ll stop crying about losing my tan now. (Jk I NEVER WILL.) Even though this milky dress is the same exact color as her bod, it is lovely. The pearl overlay is chef’s kiss. I bet it would look BOMB with my tan…which will be gone by Thanksgiving.

Cannot take my eyes off this shiny material that looks like wet latex. Supes flattering and so fun that I’m willing to overlook the cat ears chesticles.

Living for a blue suit and the floral shirt completes the look.

Not a big fan of the halter neck, which seemed to be a celeb favorite at this show, but I got a lady boner for the ombre sparkly finish.

I dig this more subtle shimmer and obviously fits her like a glove. I’m jelly. I’m constantly trying to wear a fitted dress and then turning sideways in the mirror and remembering that if I wear clothing that clings to my bodice then everyone will see how long it’s been since I’ve last pooped. Typically 3-5 business days. MUST BE NICE TO HAVE REGULAR BOWELS, PADMA.

FAVORITE LOOK OF THE NIGHT

Sure this is basically sheet metal and normally I’d make some joke about wrapping thyself in aluminum foil, but I’m captivated by this dress. The thatching pattern and the way the hem is cut differently, plus the sparkly accents, all of it is working to catch my attention. Total curveball because I’m nothing if not predictable with what I like and what I mercilessly mock on red carpets. I think Kristen looks amazing, the lack of accessories or dramatic makeup perfectly complements this wild dress. So there ya go, kicking things off with an unexpected fangirl moment for tin. All hail the tinwoman.