Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Slender Threads That Bind Us Here”

I think that if I had slept through that hour of television I still could have adequately provided this recap just from last week’s previews. In fact, I kind of wish I did.

We carry on with this “let’s be sad about Bev” business by opening up on her funeral. What’s vital to dwell on is not that Bev is dead and Deacon is sad, but that Rayna wears a chic as hell hat to the event like it’s the Kentucky Derby. The south has risen—hallelujah! Oh sorry is that inapprops for Bev’s tearful goodbye, because that’s the vibe I’m getting from the cap that’s perched atop Rayna’s perfect mermaid waves. Other than Rayna’s hat fit for a Tyler Perry movie, ZOEY IS BACK. “Ugggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghghghghghg” sums up the exact reaction I had to seeing her back on my TV. She sings a little at the funeral and I pray that she’ll be hightailing it back to the land of banished minor characters who haven’t been killed STAT. Deacon holds it together and gives a beautiful eulogy. Just kidding he sputters and sobs in the first sentence and shouts SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW. Way to keep it cool, Deacon. Obviously he still regards his niece as a murderer who shall be shunned from his life forever. Then Zoey and Gunnar get a minute to chat which merely consists of Gunnar being all “hey we should catch up sometime” (a very standard thing to say to someone you’ve never made to effort to keep in touch with but awkwardly run into) and Zoey’s all “I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!” No one cares, girl, no one cares.

Meanwhile Juliette misses three interviews from partying and Jeffy Fordham flies out from wherever they film Scream Queens to kick her ass into gear and declare that her punishment is to have a reporter all up in her shit for the next two days for an article. Juliette takes this opportunity to turn her life around and do what she gets paid millions to do with a smile on her face. Except for the fact that she pops an adderall from a “doctor” in a suit among a crowd of fans, like NO ONE WOULD CATCH HER TOSSING PILLS BACK. No but actually, no one thinks this is cause for concern. As if in today’s world every single fan doesn’t have their iphone out snapping pics and vids and would ever let a drug deal right in front of their dumb teen eyeballs slide on unnoticed. Ugh. Clearly this fires me up. Anyway, this one incident leads to her becoming a casual drug addict in mere minutes. She washes down some sleeping pills with a nip for bedtime before she moves onto needles the next night. No seriously, she calls formal doc over for a shot in the hip so she can “feel nothing.” Things are still going real swell for her, obviously.

Juliette takes some time out of working her way down her narcotics bucket list to see some snapshots of Avery, Emily & Screamer at the park playing house and dial up Emily to politely relay the message that she’s, “just a gold-diggin, back-stabbin, whore.” Probz safe to say that Emily’s paychecks will stop coming in on the reg. Avery tries to rationalize that his wife might still have an inkling of affection for the creature that once resided in her uterus for 9 months by comparing her to BEV. YIIIIKES. Couldn’t think of anyone else, Avery? Him holding out hope for his now doped up wife is getting a liiiiiiiiittle sad.

Someone whose not handling the sads very well is Deacon, who is often known to drown his sorrows in the bottle, but managed to stay sober for this whole episode! Pause for golf clap. Besides, we’ve got a whole season for him to fall off the wagon, no need to rush. One thing we do know is that he DOES NOT want any DAMN funeral casserole. He also beats the shit out of Bev’s old room and stuff while Maddie spies on him and runs away because her dad punched a mirror and she just can’t even.

One thing that remains is Deacon’s fiery hate for Scarlett who is having a tough time coping and when Zoey asks if Caleb is helping she says hugging him is like hugging a textbook. WHOA. Did she take that right out of an erotica novel? Hugging a textbook? Sounds hawt. What chemistry those two have. Dr. Caleb tries to put the spice back in their relationship (was it ever there?) and decides to write her a song. Since he’s so ABOVE music, his lyrics are on par with Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and he’s forced to ask Gunnar for help. Gunnar obvsicles just writes a song from his heart because he’s madly in love with Scarlett but when Scarlett reads the lyrics she doesn’t suspect that Caleb had basically nothing to do with it and thanks him by opening her legs.

Layla also opens her legs as a welcome back to her boyfriend/manager Jeff Fordham, who is playing the loving boyfriend character in scarily accurate fashion. He gives her some sassy cowboy boots for her Opry debut and I would love a pair of my own, Jeff, jus sayin. No seriously, where can I buy those and are they under 20 bucks because I’m currently on an unemployment budget.

Anyway, Layla does the whole Opry debut thang and the only highlight is Jeff backstage smugly telling Rayna she finally did something right by his client and Rayna snapping back “Shut up, Jeff.” After her forgettable song, Rayna sings her praises and they are quite soon stomped on as Marcus Keen the millennial boy toy of my dreams shows up and even those sparkly cowboy boots can’t stop her from fading into the background of The Opry…Highway 65…life…The good news is that Marcus isn’t just a pretty face, he also tells riveting stories about Prince Harry grabbing the mic from him, a lesson he quickly picked up when he basically grabs the mic from Layla later on and drop kicks her from the stage.

But before that, Avery sneaks in to pitch the producer gig for Marcus by telling him that he’s got loads of credits such as being Juliette’s baby daddy…or at least that’s what Marcus knows him for. Zing, bro. It’s gotta be REAL rough to have a rep in the biz for being a baby daddy and not a talented producer. Before Avery can even seal the deal he gets a call that his little screamer has a high fever and needs to be rushed to the hospital. Obviously. (Just don’t try to call Mommy because she’ll be unconscious in nothing-land for another 10-12 hours!)

This frees up Marcus to throw an invisibility cloak over Layla and do an extremely creepy duet with Rayna about how much they love each other with a whole lot of close-face singing. It was ALMOST as mentally scarring as Juliette and Steven Tyler’s hover-arming but couldn’t quite take the cake for all the cringes. Afterward Rayna has to tell her number 1 label star that it was “uncool” to jack Layla’s spotlight and bum rush the sacred country stage. I’m gonna guess this union will be short-lived as we all know there’s only room for one diva at Highway 65 and she belongs on Nashville’s Mount Rushmore of Hair.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye”

All right, let’s not dance around it. This episode was a total downer. We’re forced to care about Bev’s life even though the vast majority of her existence on this show has been acidic. On top of that we’re on week I’ve lost count of Juliette’s downward family-hating spiral and it’s clear that this will fill Nashville’s void of torturously drawn out story lines that was left behind when Will FINUHLLY came out. And as if I wasn’t already feeling all sorts of things they go ahead and lay a heartbreaking Daphne meltdown on me when she realizes her dad is actually a dirty, dirty criminal liar.

UGH. I’m emotionally exhausted just from reliving all of those, but I’ll put it to the side, so we can talk about how Cadence is the worst baby in America. Like we get it girlfran, your lungs work just fine. I’m already not a fan of babies and her screeching every time we see her is not really making a convincing case for kids. The roomies handle it pretty well by trying to soothe her and then just ignoring the fact that she’s screaming bloody murder but of course the only thing that will make baby Cadence shut the F up is Mommy and Daddy’s original lullaby. What a conniving little snake that baby is trying to get her parents back together behind the music style on the same day that Avery files for divorce.

Before he decides it’s time, Avery reunites with Juliette’s employee castaways Emily & Glen. Emily offers nannying services, which will obviously become a problem and Glen tries to get preachy with Avery about how he should handle Juliette. Avery should probably fire back about how Glen’s facial hair is dark grey while the hair on his head is platinum blonde. Zing. Eventually he stares at a family picture, gets sappy to the harmonies with his estranged wife and decides not to sign the papers that he requested in the first place.

Juliette is blissfully unaware of her potential to be a divorcee while she tears it up on break from tour with Luke. She gets day hammered, throws a party and makes Luke join her onstage for a little Joan Jett karaoke because girl fo reals does NOT give a damn about her child-abandoning reputation. She also clearly doesn’t worry about hair tangles as she slams her head all over the joint in attempts to look rock n roll…or try to shake the memory that a human came out of her vagina a mere few months ago. Luke gives her a heartfelt talk the next morning when she’s probably still a little drunksies about choosing family over partying, like he wished he did. Juliette promptly chooses mimosas—which are delicious by the way. I bet mimosas don’t scream and cry all hours of the day. Jus sayin.

Keeping with the dysfunctional family theme, Maddie records a song WITHOUT Daphne, because Daph is too busy slugging bitches during recess for calling her dad a guilty jailbird. Rayna decides that maybe it’s time for a Conrad family reunion in prison. Prison Teddy looks RUFF and also he lets it slip that Daphne doesn’t need to throw haymakers on the playground in his defense anymore because he’s actually a dirty crook. There’s a lot of tears and screaming and all the sudden the two terror sisters are chip-chopping up family photos like little savages (or scorned ex-lovers trying to erase a cheating boyfriend from their lives.) Supes normal. Rayna finds the scissor sisters mid-demolition and goes APESHIT. Obviously this elicits a HE’S NOT MY FATHER from Maddie, lest we have momentarily forgotten that Deacon is HER REAL DAD. Don’t you even fret though because Rayna brings the girls back to Teddy’s high security new home to show us a precious family moment as she thanks Teddy for always being a great dad and husband and all around winner. Three cheers for the Conrads! Except not because Teddy says he’ll be pleading guilty and extending his stay in the big house AKA no longer on the Nashville call sheet. It was a nice send-off with his daughters forgiving him for being shady AF.

Low-key, before we get to the Bev saga, Will’s boyfriend Kevin has a motley crew over for a writing sesh and they heckle Will for not using his celebrity to champion gay rights. Quick reminder that this is the guy who was essentially dragged out of the closet kicking and screaming. Let’s get realistic about him becoming the leader of a country “gay is the way” movement 5 minutes later. Gawd, Kevin. LAY OFF.

Ok now for the heavy, a random doctor recommends taking Bev off life support and Deacon turns into Uncle Bully who refuses to pull the plug even though Scarlett has deciding power. They give Bev a medical test to see if she can take a breath on her own and the smug doc is like har-har she definitely will not and then lo and behold Bev takes a breath and Deacon gets right in his grill piece to let him know it. The doc peeks out from cowering under the hospital bed after Deacon’s aggressive “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER” tirade to announce that this breath means absolutely nothing and they should just yank her off life support already. Scarlett mulls the decision over by asking hot doc to decide for her and worshipping at the chapel piano for a little musical healing. I approve of the song, obviously. Then girl runs right into Gunnar’s outstretched arms. No, really. The final verdict is to let Bev go to donate her organs and Deacon handles it like a real asshole. But then I feel kind of bad because he has a big noisy cry when the offing appointment is. Then I remember that Deacon made his niece kill her mother all by herself and I go back to thinking Deacon’s being a real selfish turd. Either way, it was pretty depressing. The up side, obviously being that Bev is gone as historically the most milked minor character death. Most pressing matter of all though…what’s with the sloppy side braid Rayna? Clean it up.

Television

The Andy Milonakis Show

So there are things that you think are really funny when you’re younger, especially in the pre-teen phase and you look back on them once you’re an “adult” and wonder why the hell you ever laughed at it. I’ve recently discovered that I don’t ever look back and think something was immature/unfunny. For example–when my dad asked where the deoderant aisle was in Target the other night and I replied with “up your butt and around the corner” then laughed about it for 5 minutes afterward. That was a middle school phrase, I believe…back when it was still taboo to say butt at school and yet here I am at 24 laughing like a maniac about a sentence that doesn’t even make sense but uses the word butt and therefore is hilarious. I guess this rant is bringing me to the fact that I used to watch The Andy Milonakis Show religiously and just recently I stumbled upon something that reminded me to look it up again and found myself still laughing along to a fully grown man-boy terrorizing deliverymen and old NYC residents. Therefore I decided to point out the best gags from this show that I still find funny (and still reference)–and if you’re a mature human being you will absolutely hate this blog…and Schmandy Schmiloshmakis.

For the record I once knew every single word to this theme song. I think it was cooler back in the day though.

Coupon Lady

In this prank he orders chinese then when the deliveryman shows up Andy declares that he has a coupon and out comes a 90 year old woman wearing a sash that says coupon and she just proceeds to shout in her crusty voice, “I am the coupon!” Coupon is already a weird mom word but ever since this skit I can’t hear the word coupon without instantly transforming into a walking discount.

couponlady

Wubbie, Wubbie.

Watch 2:22-2:36

Wubbie was Andy’s dog who unfortunately had to put up with a lot but actually did very little in the show–except for when she had telekinesis for a hot second. I hope to one day have my own show where I can get paid to shout at my dog in a high-pitched baby voice. Mostly because this is already how I interact with any dog, stranger or not. They probably also imagine shooting me when I force cuddles and delfies. Fun fact though, my family dog Casper got nicknamed Wubbie after this show came out because we thought it was an A+ pet name. May he R.I.P. See below for the time we shoved his fluffy body into a polo and he gave us some serious side eye. Oh, wubbie, wubbie, schmubbie…

I was about to say that. (Watch here.)

Some of Andy’s best work was when he hit the streets and mocked strangers. This bit was where he would ask random people questions then finish their sentences and say he was going to say the exact same thing. There’s no quicker way to irritate people than to repeat everything they’re saying, unless of course you do it while they’re talking and insist that you were going to say it first. It’s genius.

Have a nice day.

Another street number, Andy would hand out balloons and say depressing things then tell people to have a nice day. It was usually old people he interacted with and you could tell they had no idea what was going on and probably thought this was a sad 12 year old boy, which made it even better. Props to the salty guy who admitted he also had no soul. Did they just become BFFs?

haveaniceday

Smelly Eggs (Watch here.)

Andy sometimes did the character “Muti” representing a Jewish grandmother and instead of S’s he blew out of his nose. No seriously, that was it. And it made me giggle. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

I HOPE YOU FEEL STUPIDER. HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!!

Movies

Hocus Pocus Season Is Upon Thee

It’s October…a month when pumpkin spice assaults every food, drink & aroma, you didn’t really go apple picking with your boyfriend unless you instagrammed it, and MOST IMPORTANTLY the only month it’s acceptable to watch Hocus Pocus. I don’t get down with off-season holiday movie viewing. It’s not ok to watch Christmas movies in July and I’ll never allow an early or late Hocus Pocus viewing. It feels sacrilegious. Anyway everyone knows this was the greatest Halloween movie ever made and rather than try to convince you of that (you should need no convincing), I’d prefer to thank the creators of Hocus Pocus for gifting us with so many things, five of which I detail below.

1. Yabbos. Did you ever think this word could be used to describe a top notch rack? No you probably didn’t, but that’s what’s so great about pervy Max Dennison letting it slip to his annoying little sis that he was all about Allison’s yabbos. There are several slang words for boobs but yabbos will always take the cake–just silly enough to illicit a laugh, but not downright inapprops like “tits”.

2. Halloween Music. Normally we’re more of a Christmas music nation but why can’t Halloween music be a thing? Oh, because it doesn’t really exist. Well fret no more because the Sanderson Sisters are back and they’re here to put a spell on our ears. Once you forget about the fact that this song is actually their way of keeping the parents distracted while they snatch up all their kids and drink their souls…you can focus on how it’s a real banger. Now dance, DANCE UNTIL YOU DIIIIIEEEEE.

The second song in this movie is probably more for the acquired ear because it’s terrifying and creepy but hey…so is Halloween! Put on this little number when you’re getting ready to lure a bunch of kids to your cabin in the woods so that you can snag their spirits and become young and beautiful. I don’t need it right now, but maybe in a few years I’ll start learning the words. (Not for nothing, but aren’t Sarah’s yabbo’s a liiiittttle distracting during this broom-writhing performance?)

3. The only cat I’ll ever love. Look, it’s no secret that I’m team dog 1000%. Dogs are cute, cuddly, loyal and fun. Cats are shady MF’ers who stalk around the house and plot your impending death. HOWEVER, I will gladly bite my tongue about cats when it comes to Thackary Binx. Thackary is the redemption for all cats, mostly because he’s actually a rather adorbs seventeenth century boy who looks out for Max, Dani & Allison. He also gets pretty sassy with the sisters and often reminds Max what a virgin loser he is for lighting the black flame candle. Hey–it’s not like he can die, so why not dish it out?

4. Booooooooook. It’s not every day that a regular inanimate object gets it’s own singing cat call. Winifred’s call for her spell book is something that still lives on today because it’s funny and everyone can appreciate a good throaty book call. Something that goes hand in hand with this for no reason at all is Winifred’s infamous bucked teeth that reside on the outside of her mouth. For example, I happened to be at a bar last winter and a girl was there with teeth that just wouldn’t fit behind her lips and all I had to say was that girl has Winifred teeth and everyone understood what was up. Boom. Roasted.

5. A slutty Disney witch. Forget about slutty Disney princesses, Hocus Pocus gave us Sarah, a dum dum who would much rather slow dance with the devil or make out with a mummy than snatch up some kids. Carrie Bradshaw, who? SJP plays her best character with Sarah and brings most of the laughs (#2 is clearly Mary the side-mouthing moron.) Anyway, it’s always delightful when you’re little and inappropriate jokes fly right over your head then you re-watch the movie and see that it was actually really dirrty. Sitting on the bus driver’s lap pretty much sums that up. Thank you for being you, Sarah.

Now get watching or…

Television

Fall 2015 Primetime TV Guide

The bad news is that most of you probably have jobs and don’t have time to watch endless hours of TV pilots and decide if something’s worth watching. The GREAT news is that I currently am without that little thing called employment and therefore have loads of time on my hands to consume all the new TV that fall has to offer. That’s precisely what I did for a full day of couch surfing so that I could deliver an unbiased (a little biased) guide on what to watch and what to skip this year in premiere primetime TV. It was really hard.

SKIP:

muppets

The Muppets, ABC Tuesdays 8P

Seriously I would like to look the creator of this show in the eye and just ask why. I didn’t watch it because I can’t bear to put myself through an hour of adult sesame street. If you would like to watch a bunch of cartoon characters hang out, by all means watch this show, otherwise just continue living your life and wait until it eventually goes away.

besttimeever

Best Time Ever Live with Neil Patrick Harris, NBC Tuesdays 10p

I started this one with an open mind, and gleeful memories of Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson, the most ridiculous character ever. Unfortunately I couldn’t even get through the whole first episode. It was bad, like really bad. He uses his Hollywood connects for celebrity guest appearances and the whole thing plays out like a game show bringing in audience members and people on their couches at home for contests and games. It’s too much, like he’s trying to jam an awards show hosting gig of punchlines and gags into an hour each week. Also Perez Hilton was in the first show’s live audience wearing pink jeans and that’s right about when I checked out.

codeblack

Code Black, CBS Wednesdays 10p

Here’s a generic medical drama where there are fresh doctors to be taught and everyone has a sneaky past that comes out piece by piece in each episode as they all get to know each other. No huge star power in this show except for Marcia Gay Harden who’s the leading veteran doctor. The unique aspect of the pitch is that this particular hospital is for emergency medicine and therefore the pressure is higher to be bomb.com. There was A LOT of blood in the first episode and also there’s not enough attractive doctors to keep me hooked. I give this a bleh rating especially with the amount this genre is played out.

rosewood

Rosewood, FOX Wednesdays 8p

Typical cop drama, Rosewood is a pathologist and his partner is a hot Latina detective with deeper issues. It’s set in Miami and kind of gives off a Bones meets CSI Miami vibe as far as genre goes but full disclosure I didn’t watch an entire episode. I watched like 20 minutes and it was lame. Rosewood questions the detective’s skills and there’s a lot of sexual tension. I don’t think it will last very long in my very expert opinion.

bloodoil

Blood & Oil, ABC Sundays 9p

I actually planned to start watching this show and marked the premiere on my calendar…mostly for Chace Crawford. Unfortunately I was suuuuuupes disappointed. Essentially a Dallas knockoff with worse acting, this soap opera-y take on the oil industry will essentially be a formula of sex and backstabbing every week. I normally would be down with that since I don’t need smart TV to feel less guilty about watching a show, but the acting is like new levels of horrendous. Chace and his wife are real awkward and try to make up for lack of acting skill by kissing a lot. It’s all the cringes. If you’re looking for some mindless TV where you can watch hot people bang each other then by all means tune in, I think I’m going to sit this one out because I actually found a lot of winners in the new crop of shows as displayed below…

WATCH:

lifeinpieces

Life In Pieces, CBS Mondays 830P

A sitcom about a family with adult children and all of their various sub-family plots, this show probably won’t last very long due to the nature of how quickly generic sitcoms get axed, HOWEVER I watched two episodes and it did make me laugh out loud a few times. One son is in his late thirties and lives with his parents, his sister is married with three kids–one who is about to go to college and his brother is married with a fresh baby. Fans of New Girl will notice that the actress who played Fawn Moscato is the new mom and her interpretation of what happens after you have a baby is hilarious, and also terrifying. The miracle of ruined vaginas, if you will. Each member of the family has their hot mess qualities and they all feed off of each other when in the same room, episodes are broken up by “stories” to follow each family’s issues.

Watch if you like: Modern Family

grandfathered

Grandfathered, FOX Tuesdays 8P

Obviously this has been promoted endlessly because it’s John Stamos and he happens to have built-in PR people, also known as his Full House castmates. I was a little disappointed in this because I expected to laugh a lot but I found that most of the scenes were already shown in clips or teasers. It holds promise, though and that’s why it’s on the watch list. The pilot begins with John Stamos examining his hair and it quickly becomes clear that he’s playing bachelor Uncle Jesse and I can always get down with any facet of Uncle Jesse. He finds out he has a son and granddaughter and becomes involved in their lives immediately. There are a lot of current jokes including a knock at Buzzfeed listicles and I can see how this might grow. Bonus: You know you’ll see at least Dave Coulier and Bob Saget do guest spots, because when you get a show, you hire your friends.

Watch if you liked: Full House, The Mindy Project (current pop culture humor)

grinder

The Grinder, FOX Tuesdays 830P

Again, judging just from the pilot it was a little lackluster but there’s potential to blossom. Rob Lowe and Fred Savage are brothers, Rob just finished a long running TV series where he played a lawyer and Fred is an actual lawyer who happens to have a serious case of stage fright. Feeling lost after ending the series, Rob’s character sticks around trying to find what to do next and ends up wanting to become a lawyer and outshining his brother in the courtroom because he has a dazzling personality. What I liked about the show is that Rob Lowe is doing what he did while playing Chris Traeger in Parks & Rec–poking fun at himself by being so over the top and it works. Fred Savage’s wife and kids add humor with their different personalities and how they patronize his character for being such a wiener.

Watch if you liked: Franklin & Bash, Parks & Rec

screamqueens

Scream Queens, FOX Tuesdays 9P

Fox made itself a spicy little Tuesday night lineup, and I’m not just saying that because I used to work for them. This show was highly anticipated because it’s a Ryan Murphy creation (the male Shonda Rhimes) and it has big names involved i.e. Jamie Lee Curtis, Emma Roberts, Nick Jonas, Ariana Grande, Lea Michele, etc. I was a little weary to watch it because I am not a person who likes to shit her pants while watching TV alone out of fear, but I decided to give it a shot because it was buzzed about so much. The show itself has great writing and acting. There’s a lot of sassy dialogue from characters who are making fun of themselves and today’s world– like when a character gets murdered and sends a tweet while she’s bleeding out. Essentially it follows a corrupt and terrible sorority where bitches are getting slayed left and right by a masked killer, taking all that’s cheesy from horror movie “Scream” and poking fun at it. Since we’re in a trust tree here, I’ll admit that I did jump a few times and want to cover my eyes when there were some bloodier scenes. All in all I would say it goes more for humor and entertainment, less for terrifying.

Watch if you like: Glee (for the funny dialogue, not as much for the singing), Difficult People

blindspot

Blindspot, NBC Mondays 10p

A show I would normally never watch and yet it’s good. Like really good. Following a woman who was dropped in the middle of Times Square and erased of all memory, the FBI works with her to figure out who she is. Her body is covered in fresh tattoos that are essentially clues to various things. The first one solved was for a terrorist attack and the show is set up like a puzzle to figure out who this chick is and how she got here. She’s supes attractive and the lead detective on the case is a hot piece with dazzling eyes so I don’t doubt for a second that they will be getting to know each other biblically but there’s a lot of mystery and little pieces being thrown out just in the first episode, so it’s definitely a show you’ll need to pay attention for. It personally gave me too much anxiety to regularly watch but it’s well done if it’s your type of show.

Watch if you like: The Blacklist

quantico

Quantico, ABC Sundays 10p

A similar keep-you-on-your-toes vibe, this one surprised me especially since I hated Blood & Oil so much and those two are paired in a lineup for Sunday nights. Quantico is a place where FBI agents are sent to be trained and the show works on flashbacks based on mostly the perspective of one girl who is being framed for a terrorist attack. The first five minutes give us a steamy car sex scene between two of the FBI trainees and then I didn’t take one note for the rest of the episode, so clearly it was riveting. It’s less intense than Blindspot and you probably shouldn’t watch it if you’re a nervous nellie because it deals with corruption in the FBI and terrorists infiltrating our country. Yikes…but like, with really hot people.

Watch if you like: Grey’s Anatomy (before Shonda killed everyone important)/anything Shondaland, Revenge

Not Yet Premiered:

truthbetold

Truth Be Told, NBC Premieres Friday 10/16 830P

Though it hasn’t premiered yet, I’ll give this one a shot because it stars Mark Paul Gosselaar and I give him a chance every time. I mean seriously, his track record is Saved by the Bell and Franklin & Bash, how bad could it possibly be? Also don’t answer that just yet, because it got the Friday night death slot and we might not see it for very long.

drken

Dr. Ken, ABC Premieres Friday 10/2 8P

While watching endless episodes on demand I saw a handful of promos for this show. Normally I would write it off because in my humble TV experience shows that focus on a comedian end up trying way too hard to mimic what Seinfeld did and they fail miserably…but Ken Jeong is so outrageous as a comedic actor that I found myself laughing at the previews. I mean he put his daughter’s skinny jeans on. Can you imagine if your dad did that? Anyway, I might give this one the ole pilot try as well even though it’s another Friday night doomed, roof stoof.

Each show on this list is only a couple episodes in at most, so it’ll be easy to catch up and get hooked! Hope this guide was helpful, if it wasn’t then just appreciate the fact that it’s all I have to show for a day where I was in perfect health and still laid on the couch watching TV for 12 consecutive hours. #IDoItForTheBlog

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Til The Pain Outweighs the Shame”

Last night’s episode should have been called “How Rayna Got Her Groove Back.” It starts out somewhat dreary when Deacon would rather hang out with a half-conscious Bev than bang, bang, bangity bang his fiancé and then a random old man we’ve never heard of before drops out of Highway 65. But Rayna does not fret over the silver cowboy; it just gives her motivation to harness that hair full of secrets and sign a new piece of man meat.

Meanwhile, Juliette’s next tour stop is Nashville and obviously that means she has to see that family she pretends to have. Avery drops in at the house (baby in tow) only to find Juliette amidst a full-blown high school rager. His entrance is about as welcome as the Manlius cops breaking up a low-key game of beer pong with taser guns. (I clearly grew up on the rough side of the tracks.) Anyway Juliette kicks everyone out then tries to tell Avery that she loves him and the **deep swallow to mask her disgust** child. She manages to hold it without throwing things or screaming then puts it down for sleepy times so she can smooch Avery and pretend nothing even happened.

I wish nothing even happened between Garlett (work in progress) because their awksies is getting real annoying. They have a photo shoot where they stand on opposite sides of the room and radiate uncomfies. The only bright side is that Scarlett wears a boobalicious black gown instead of the typical castaways from Mary Kate Olsen’s closet that she usually wraps herself in like a wandering bird lady.

Unfortunately she quickly covers the beautiful fitted dress with a drapey, baggy sweater to kick it in the hospital with Bev, who is now alert and speaking. Her daughter and bro are overwhelmed with joy while Rayna can’t even hide the look of panic in her eyes when she sees that Bev has clawed back from the grave to take the fame that she deserves. Bev takes these fleeting moments of life to show that her head injury buzz cut has humbled her and she doles out advice about Scarlett’s dating life and apologizes for being a dirt bag mom.

Deacon still won’t leave Bev’s side so Rayna goes to the girl’s talent show by herself and as the Little Conrad’s sing a tribute to their fave band “Boulevard”, Mamma Ray is like that’s cute girls, I’m going to cash in on your favorite band breaking up by poaching the lead singer to save Highway 65. And she heads off to do just that, on a commercial flight to NYC.

Poor, sad, Avery just wants his family back and can’t see that his trainwreck of a wife is using him and whats-her-name for red carpet publicity. The infant screams through Juliette’s entire performance—which is pretty snotty because the song is actually a good one. Not everyone can be as talented as The Wiggles, so Cadence should stop being such a pretentious music snob. Ever the closeted post-partum sufferer, Juliette keeps it together onstage even though I probably would’ve dropkicked the child who dared to offer back-up wails without approval. Juliette tries to prove she can mom so hard by changing the diaper backstage in her sparkly getup. Unfortunately Cadence had a real dumpfest in her diaper and pretty much drove her mom to run away and throw out her cell phone. Maybe she should lay off of the strained peas if she wanted to keep a mother. But in all seriousness, can somebody put this baby to bed?! No wonder it won’t shut the F up, it’s front row at a concert past it’s bedtime with a diaper full of shit. Anyway, Juliette’s mama bear act is OVAH just as quickly as she can charter a private jet and get a new number.

In exciting new man meat news, Rayna just about clinches the deal with Markus Keen AKA Riley Smith AKA hottie from Disney Channel Original Movie Motocrossed. She becomes every traveler’s worst nightmare yapping for an entire flight but pretty rockstar doesn’t seem to mind because Rayna is flipping her hair and batting her eyelashes to get him to sign country and revive her dying label. Bucky informs her that Keen’s lawyers want millions and full creative control and Rayna tells him to make that deal. Girl may have her groove back but those could be her famous last words. I guess boss bitch Rayna makes Deacon horny because he finally lays it on her when she gets home and promises to stay the night instead of just hitting and quitting like he’s been doing. OBVIOUSLY in that moment Bev’s heart rate decides to take another nosedive and Deacon’s definitely not going to blame sex with Rayna for that or anything. Also not for nothing ya’ll, but it’s time to off Bev. Chase that white light, gurl, you’ve served your greater purpose in saving a beloved character that should’ve never been in danger. Deuces.

Other Things That Happened That Don’t Deserve Complete Paragraphs:

-Some random music exec is the birdie in Luke’s ear all episode telling him to drop Will Lexington and his contagious gayness. According to her, Luke could be the next Jay-Z. Um, exsqueeze me, minor character, do not EVER compare Wheels Up to Hov. Dropping an openly gay artist does not a rap empire make. Also everyone knows there’s no Jay without Bey and if I recall correctly Luke lost his Bey to a guy with a shitty liver. Nice try, though.

-Daphne gets the bitchy bathroom gossip treatment while she’s hiding in the stall. Be more cliché, Nashville.

-Layla the invisible is neglected for an entire episode by everyone who’s paid to care about her and it’s actually hilarious. The only one who seems to care is Glen, who offers to be her manager. Remember Glen? Me neither, if there ever comes a day when I don’t confuse Bucky and Glen I will deserve a pat on the back.

-“It’s not like you guys are saving lives,” Hot doc serving a cold dish of I’m smarter than you to Gunnar and proving what we already suspected, he’s a dick and will be gone soon enough. Don’t get it twisted, Doc, music is more important than meddy-sin in Nashville.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/21/15

1. Jimpire.

This will only be funny to fans of the show Empire but the entire 10 minutes is laugh out loud hilarious. Jimmy’s creepy-whisper Lucious Lyon impression, the mockery of drip drop and most importantly Higgins as Cookie were perfect, not to mention that they had the actual stars of Empire’s blessing through cameos. It’s always good when celebs can be in on the joke.

2. JT has new music.

Ok, ok that was a tease but seriously I would buy a CD of JT singing late night theme songs at this point because I need some new music from him STAT. It’s obvious that if JT makes an appearance anywhere it will be fully covered on the JUice. There need not be an explanation for that. Although his number one bromance is with J.Fall, I can see him getting some real witty banter going with Seth Meyers too. I accept.

3. Babies. Little bit of buzz in the world of ruined Hollywood vaginas…Leah and Brandon introduced the most beautiful Jenner in the world. Leighton Meester and Adam Brody welcomed a daughter. Her name is Arlo Day Brody. ARLO. Speaking of stupid names, Ashlee “Living in Jessica’s Shadow” Simpson and hubs Evan Ross debuted their daughter on insta. Her name is Jagger Snow Ross. Seriously who the hell do these two think they are?! JAGGER.SNOW. What are they gonna call her Jag for short? JK that’s fine, JAG also happens to be my initials and they’re bada$$, like me, obviously. ANYWAY, lastly Ben Mckenzie knocked up Gotham co-star Morena Baccarin because it’s kewl to have kids before marriage now. Three cheers for oops babies! And another three cheers for Seth Cohen becoming a dad around the same time that we find out Ryan Atwood will soon be one as well. Maybe we’ll see a second generation Chrismakkuh in the near future? FTR, it seems about right that Seth would get married first then have the kid and Ryan would do it a little backwards. Who could resist his bad boy smolder?

View this post on Instagram

It's an honor, little one.

A post shared by Leah James (@leahjames) on Sep 23, 2015 at 12:09pm PDT

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Jagger Snow Ross !! We love her so much!!! She is beyond everything!!! I have the best baby daddy @realevanross In the world. Love you

A post shared by Ashlee Simpson Ross (@ashleesimpsonross) on Sep 24, 2015 at 10:37am PDT

4. Ed Sheeran’s Last Song. For a while at least…A collab with some other Brits, this is the latest new music from that soulful orange-head and unfortunately he’ll be taking a little breaksicle from creating sweet, sweet melodies so cherish this sucker. Listen HERE.

5. This is what talent looks like.

I’ve posted videos by Todrick Hall before–including his tribute to Bey but this particular trib got buzz because T.Swift herself saw it and basically peed her pants with excitement (I’m assuming.) But furrreallll, he harmonizes and interacts with HIMSELF. It makes my brain hurt to think about how hard it must be to do that.

BONUS:

Neighbors 2 is currently filming. Boner Jamz. Or in the case of the below photos, hand-on-my-boner-jamz.

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Can’t Let Go”

Back in the saddle and only one month has passed since we saw a heart monitor flatline and the writers made Nashies out to be a bunch of gullible dum dums. A fictional month may have passed but they can’t pull the wool over our eyes, although it was pretty entertaining to watch them try.

The episode begins with Juliette working the red carpet for that movie she filmed while she was preggerz and trying to hide it. She is clearly still on the path of ditching motherhood for Hollywood but MORE IMPORTANTLY, her boobs are out of control. No, seriously, I’ve never seen more cleavage from her in one episode, not even when she was 100 months pregnant and had to be pulled out of bed by a crane. Clearly post-baby bod looks hella good on her. But I digress because while she’s living the dream, the writers are in the process of trying to convince us that Deacon died by showing a sad Rayna in an old tee staring mournfully at her daughters and then going to bed alone with a frownie face. As if that wasn’t enough, the next morning she discusses losing Juliette to Wheelin & Dealin Records with Bucky and sighs, “I’ve been doing a lot of letting go lately.” Proud of them for laying it on thick but THEN when you least expect it, Rayna and the girls are visting Aunt Bev in a hospital bed on life support and lookie, lookie what we have here…Deacon sashays into the room looking like a million bucks, obviously, because HE IS VERY MUCH SO ALIVE. He was all, sorry I didn’t come home last night I stayed at Bev’s side. Nice try, turds.

Once I was done being bitter about how outrageous the Deacon saga was, then I could focus on the rest of the episode, which included a lot more of hover-hand Steven Tyler invading Juliette’s personal space than I expected. No seriously, they shared a mic. But before that happened, we checked in with Scarlett & hot doc who I still don’t remember the name of. Apparently one month of living togets and Scarlett has turned into a housewife who dons silky lingerie. Hot doc gifts Scarlett with a vintage necklace to celebrate the fact that she stuck around and with a case of the stutters it becomes very clear that these two probably use the shared bed just for sleeping. Then Scarlett skidaddles over to Gunnar’s house where she pretends that they never smooched and Gunnar is like yeah totes I haven’t been dreaming about it for a month or anything. They sing for a couple minutes then forage each other’s mouths again. Scarlett says no more because she has a boyfriend and he’s safe. Yikes. Sounds like her and hot doc have something really fantastic. Naht.

Another relationship that’s really thriving is Juliette’s and Avery’s. If by thriving we mean Juliette gets hammered every night and Avery is playing Mr. Mom in Ohio, living with the parentals. Juliette calls Rayna sobbing one night after one too many ‘squila shots—we’ve all been there Julez—except when I have too much tequila it’s just a bad decision, when she has too much tequila it probably doesn’t help the rage that she has for her just-born infant that she abandoned like it was no big thang. Juliette continues her descent into asshole-land by ignoring a text from Avery, and verbally assaulting both Rayna and Layla. When she tells Layla, “I didn’t think I could think any less of you but there you go making it happen.” I’m like damn, go after the jugular, knock some sense into that sad, sad Fordham-lovin-girl. But when she tells Rayna that her label’s a joke I have the urge to give her a swift bitch slap. Fortunately Rayna handles that for me when she smoothly fires back with, “You break my heart, girl. I swear you do.” YOU DON’T EVER BREAK MISS RAYNA JAMES’ HEART. YOU GONN’ LEARN, GRRRL. What breaks my heart is that Rayna doesn’t know the number one rule of being famous is never googling yourself. She does that on the plane ride back to Nashville and really piles on the hate parade for Highway 65. Fingers crossed she gets her fire back right quick.

Someone who hasn’t lost her angsty teenage fire for one beat is Maddie, of course. A month is not nearly long enough for a teen girl to mature. Teddy sends the girls letters from the big house and Maddie throws hers right in the garbage. Teddy is a criminal and doesn’t even know how to play guitar so as far as Maddie’s concerned, he sooooks. Daphne takes it upon herself to scoop that letter right out of the trash and do a little eavesdropping (a little sister after my own heart.) Deacon walks in on Maddie trying to rip Daphne’s arms off and breaks up the sis fight but Daphne takes a page right out of Maddie’s book and shouts “You’re not my real dad!” and stomps up the stairs. Maddie tries to reason with Deacon and suggest that if he marries Rayna, Daphne won’t be able to say things like that. One would think the child of Rayna James would know better at this point but just to make it clear…marriage doesn’t make a dad and judging by the amount of stepdads these two almost had after slutty post-divorce Rayna, Daphne can very much say such things whenever she damn well pleases. #TeamDaphne.

In the last few minutes, we see Scarlett tell hot doc she loves him, instead of confessing to her tongue’s extra-currics, Juliette looks at pictures of Avery & spawn probably wishing she were less hungover and her better half decides to move his infant in with Gunnar and Will. Cause nothing says raising a child quite like having bro roommates. Full House: Nashville edition, anyone? What kind of wacky antics will these three goons get into, I wonder. Will they write some songs about changing diapers? Only time will tell.

Things that don’t matter yet:

– There’s a new hot guy working with Jeff to cage Layla in and “manage” the tour. And so begins my favorite game…WHO WILL HE BANG?! Spin the wheel, folks!

-Deacon is an ugly crier. This isn’t relevant to anything. It just needed to be said.

-Bev is coming back to life. Ugh. Why.

-Will does the greasy Abe shut-in thing for a while as the label punishes him for coming out but then he gets even more sad when he realizes he hates gay bars and DOESN’T BELONG.

-Layla still sux and leaves Jeffy Fordz the neediest teary voicemail I’ve ever heard begging him to tell her she’s #1 where it counts. No girl, you’re not.

Playlist

Best of Nashville Playlist

Nashville is back for season four tonight and rather than dwell on the terribly predictable and overplayed story lines we have ahead of us for another full season, I decided to focus on the best aspect of this show—the music. Here’s a collection of some of the top hits from Nashville seasons 1-3. Unfortunately I’m not a huge Rayna James fan, sorry let me re-phrase, I’m a huge fan of her hair and boss bitch qualities, I’m NOT a fan of her music, so you will not find much of it here.

1. Wrong Song-Connie Britton & Hayden Panettiere AKA Rayna James & Juliette Barnes. This sassy-Deacon-tell-off is the best thing Rayna and Juliette ever collab on. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Deacon bagged them both, but this song exists as a friendly reminder that these two frenemies are also Eskimo sisters.

2. If I Didn’t Know Better-Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen AKA Gunnar Scott & Scarlett O’Connor. If I recall correctly, this was the first song that Gunnar ever got Scarlett up onstage for and from the moment they gazed into each other’s eyes, we knew we were about to get a boatload of sexual tension via open mic night. Forever my favorite singing duo on this show, I could listen to these two have breathy harmonies until the end of time.

3. I Ain’t Leavin’ Without Your Love- Sam Palladio, Chaley Rose & Jonathan Jackson AKA Gunnar, Avery & Zoey. This was the short-lived group project of “ZAG” before everyone was like why is Zoey even here? She sucks. Then Scarlett was like joke’s over guys I’m done being retired from music and swiftly took ole Zoey’s spot in the band and sent her packing to Oklahoma or something. Anywho, this song was Zoey’s best contribution to the show.

4. A Life That’s Good- Lennon & Maisy AKA Maddie & Daphne Conrad. There is another version of this song that has the happy yet quite dysfunctional fam of Rayna, Deacon and the girls but I’m partial to anything with just the two girls…they deserve all the stage time they can get with their knockout voices.

5. Don’t Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet- Hayden Panettiere AKA Juliette. This is one of my favorite Nashville songs, not even because it’s supes catchy but also because it’s a big middle finger from Juliette. Jeff Fordham tries to make her publicly apologize at the Grand Ole Opry for saying God doesn’t exist and instead she slams down this song and it’s sassy and fabulous. Also she gets fired and blacklisted from all country music labels but that’s neither here nor there.

6. If I Drink This Beer- Will Chase AKA Luke Wheeler. Rayna gets involved with Wheels Up right quick after a disastrous Deacon fall-out and we all just wait for the other shoe to drop. Unfortunately they dragged it out for an entire season and she holds out until their wedding day to be like jk I’ve been in love with Deacs this whole time. Luke takes it really well—naht—he turns their wedding into a free concert and sings this sad song about getting drunk with a broken heart.

7. Borrow My Heart- Clare Bowen, Jonathan Jackson & Sam Palladio AKA Scarlett, Avery & Gunnar. This was performed as “SAG” because S booted the Z out and then once they realized they were a fire flames band, they decided to change their name to the Triple X’s. Much better. Probably not at all awkward that everyone on this show has banged each other and also sang about it.

8. Tell Me (Acoustic)- Audrey Peeples AKA Layla Grant. I’m a pretty avid Layla hater, mostly because she almost never sings then married a gay guy, then got together with the most hated character ever and thought he loved her but putting all fictional character judgments aside, she really crushes it on this one. No pageantry, just good vocals.

9. This Town- Claire Bowen & Charles Esten AKA Scarlett & Deacon Claybourne. Scarlett and Uncle Deac, always the perfect pair of introverts both hate the whole Hollywood aspect of being a musician and feel like they don’t belong so they wah-wah about it in this great piano tune.

10. Heart On Fire- Lennon & Maisy Stella AKA Maddie & Daphne. When these two cherubs are singing it makes it very easy to forget how insufferable Maddie actually is in her angsty teen years. I believe this number is from the episode when Jeff “the creep” Fordham strikes a blackmail deal with Teddy to get Maddie signed to his label so he could profit off of her melodies and box out little Daphne. This song should stand as proof that the dream team should never be separated.

11. What If I Was Willing- Chris Carmack AKA Will Lexington. This is a country HIT from ya closeted boy, Will. One of his first songs and a sure banger, things sort of went downhill for him, probably a side effect of hiding your sexuality on a reality show with your wife, but fingers crossed now that he’s out and dating a songwriter the hits will start flowing again.

12. Have A Little Faith- Maisy Stella & Will Chase AKA Daphne & Luke. This one is included because it tugged at my heartstrings. Ever the dramatic Maddie leaves a benefit the two of them are supposed to perform at to be with HER REAL DAD, DEACON. Little Daphz is like it’s cool I’ll just hang out by myself while you two kick it with your real family and Teddy does something genuinely nice and asks Luke to bring Daphne up onstage for this adorbz duet. Also she’s like 11…that voice…damn gurl.

13. Fade Into You- Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen AKA Scarlett & Gunnar. It seemed fitting to end with another golden duet hit. We’re about to be four seasons in and these two are still not quite done with fading into each other (if ya know what I mean) so this song will forever be relevant.

Television

Emmy’s 2015 Recap

If I didn’t have boozy root beer to get me through last night’s awards, I would have absolutely snoozed right through them. There were not enough SNL cast members bits and Andy Samberg told a bunch of dad jokes. If you didn’t catch my Red Carpet blog, I’ll just play my tiny violin one more time when I announce that simply by staying hydrated, I quite possibly ended the life of my fairly new Macbook. Come hell or high water though, I couldn’t let my thousands of screaming fans down and so I busted out the ole quill and ink during the show last night and took notes on some parchment paper… then my friend Lindsey lent me her laptop for the eve so I could deliver the goods. Someday she’ll receive royalties for this…today’s not that day. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure everyone properly ‘preciated the dedication I have to being the saltiest of Ju’s.

Lows:

-We have an immediate low when Andy Samberg kicks off the show with “Justin Timberlake is not going to be here, let’s get that out of the way.” WHAT AN OUTRAGEOUS LETDOWN. I hated Andy immediately. (FTR there WAS no JT…or JFALL for that matter.)

-Andy did two musical bits that made me want to slice my ears right off, the opener where he was a smelly underground creature who binge-watched every show and the unfortunately bloody “Emmy’s Can Kill” number later in the show.

-A pretend beef between Andy and Amy where they just pan to Amy giving a dirty look. This would have been 10,000 times funnier if he was talking and Amy stormed the stage and said ” ANDY, WHAT’S GOOD?”

-John Stamos takes the stage with Gina Rodriguez where they make everyone uncomfy by hitting on each other, I don’t even recall them presenting an award. Although I would give my left leg to have Uncle Jesse get all up on me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

-Empire stars Taraji P. Henson and Terrence Howard present and ooze the awksies. They try to banter but it’s weird and ends in a cheek smooch not a minute too soon.

-Olive Kitteridge wins 1 trillion awards, which is great for something no one had ever heard of, also sets up Andy for some new dadtastic material:

Olive Kitteridge? Haven't even seen some of Kitteridge. #Emmys

— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) September 21, 2015

-Tracy Morgan makes his comeback to a standing O, gets serious for a minute then quickly says he’s gon get a lot of women pregnant at the after parties. Eeekkk.

-Apple Music debuts a new commercial with Taraji, Kerry Washington and Mary J. Blige where they essentially embody every girls night pregame ever and listen to 90’s hip hop and dance. Stop trying so hard, Apple.

-There’s a quick break for a guy to get onstage and talk about college students and states “Today’s college students are tomorrow’s Emmy winning artists.” This should probably be the tagline of Marist College’s Radio/TV/Film major. Slap that in the brochure. #NotBitterAtAll #PerpetuallyFunemployed

Highs:

-Hollywood’s leading men show us that the Emmy’s aren’t worth picking up the razor for.

-Apparently it was like 1 billion degrees in LA last night and therefore everyone had the shiniest of foreheads. STARS SWEAT JUST LIKE US!

-Andy MOSTLY sucked, but here were his two best one liners, in my honest opinion: “Racism is over. Don’t fact check that,” from his monologue when he talked about how this is the most diverse group of nominees ever. And while introducing Adrian Brody to the stage, “The only person I can stand next to and say I’ve got a cute little button nose.” This was awesome because Brody had to take the stage after hearing that.

-“We Are Amy.” Two funny Amy’s present the first award, get a makeup and hair touchup before taking the stage and then talk about how they’re going to be judged for what they wore (sarrryyy) and how Amy’s going to black out later. Out of all the presenters, these two were best at actually being funny.

-Ricky Gervais uses his time presenting to pretend he won an Emmy since he was snubbed before…this is only funny because everyone hated Ricky and shit all over him when he hosted and he knows it so he milks his stage time just to irritate people.

-James Corden mocks the vote counters of Ernst & Young, then selfies with them.

-Jimmy Kimmel announces that he could easily give the Emmy to whoever he wants, like Joey Tribbiani for example, then eats the card with the winner on it. The only thing that makes this entertaining is that Matt LeBlanc didn’t win and showed that he didn’t love the Friends dig.

-Best moment of the night is obviously awarded to Amy Poehler…in an excrutiatingly boring show, she managed to make me giggle uncontrollably just by throwing on a hoodie and some shades in her DGAF act while being nominated for Parks & Rec. The camera panned to her multiple times for reaction shots and it was gold every single time.

-Regina King wins (I’m guessing it’s a long time coming since she was in A Cinderella Story many moons ago) and her gal pal Taraji presents it then screeches for her. What a ride or die friend.

-Andy Samberg gives out login info for HBO Go, which is nice for people who don’t have HBO and really want to see what this Olive Kitteridge bologna is all about, but what I could really use is a Hulu login for The Mindy Project this season. PS if you missed it: username-khaleesifan3@emmyhost.com, password-password1

-Amy Schumer wins for Inside Amy and is so excited and flustered that she thanks her head writer first who “had a baby like 10 seconds ago” and whoever created her smokey eye. Keep doing you, girl.

-Jon Hamm beached whales it onto the stage for his W, except he looks like a stealth agent instead of a floundering sea urchin like I absolutely would have. He gets real serious after that…BOOOOOO.

-Viola Davis makes history with her win and Taraji hugs the shit out of her proving to be the best hype girl, even when she loses. I would like her to come over and cheer for me as I accomplish day to day tasks.

Full List of Winners:

Supporting Actress, Comedy: Allison Janney, Mom

Comedy Series, Writing: Veep

Supporting Actor, Comedy: Tony Hale, Veep

Guest Actor in Comedy Series: Bradley Whitford, Transparent

Guest Actress in Comedy Series: Joan Cusack, Shameless

Director, Comedy Series: Jill Soloway, Transparent

Lead Actor, Comedy Series: Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Lead Actress, Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Reality Competition: The Voice

Writing, Limited Series Drama: Jane Anderson, Out of Carriage

Supporting Actress, Limited Series, Drama: Regina King, American Crime

Director of Limited Series Drama: Olive Kitteridge

Supporting Actor, Limited Series Drama: Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actress, Limited Series Drama: Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge

Lead Actor, Limited Series Drama: Richard Jenkins, Olive Kitteridge

Outstanding Limited Series: Olive Kitteridge

Writing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Sketch: Inside Amy Schumer

Directing, Variety Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Variety Talk Series: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Guest Actor, Drama Series: Reg E. Cathey, House of Cards

Guest Actress, Drama Series: Margo Martindale, The Americans

Drama Series, Writing: Game of Thrones

Supporting Actress, Drama: Uzo Aduba, Orange is the New Black

Directing, Drama Series: David Nutter, Game of Thrones

Supporting Actor, Drama: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

Lead Actor, Drama: Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Lead Actress, Drama: Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder

Outstanding Comedy Series: Veep

Outstanding Drama Series: Game of Thrones

The Salty Ju

#NoFilter

Yearly Archives: 2015

Nashville- “The Slender Threads That Bind Us Here”

Nashville- “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye”

The Andy Milonakis Show

Hocus Pocus Season Is Upon Thee

Fall 2015 Primetime TV Guide

Nashville- “Til The Pain Outweighs the Shame”

Weekly JUice

Nashville- “Can’t Let Go”

Best of Nashville Playlist

Emmy’s 2015 Recap