Movies, Red Carpet, Television

Oscars Red Carpet 2015

This is the last time this season that I’ll get to snark all over famous people in designer dresses while I wear an oversized tee shirt and yoga pants glued to my couch…and it’s bittersweet really. Awards season just flew right on by, and yet it’s still winter. Here are the people who showed up to the biggest awards show in the biz looking wooftastic. To be fair though, they did have to deal with some pretty aggressive rainfall and for that alone they deserve all the awards.

Worst Dressed:

Eddie Redmayne’s plain suit and hunchback posture and his wife’s curtain dress. No and no.

This saggy dress is doing nothing for her Gina Rodriguez’s body but make it look like she has a uniboob. Also that bun is aggress.

First time ever Jared Leto’s hair hasn’t been on point. Add in an umbrella and powder blue suit and I can’t get on board.

JK Simmons and wifey look like they’re posing for one of those old timey Wild West photoshoots.

Thank GOD this is the last awards show because I’ve had ENOUGH of Keira Knightley and her whimsical butterfly applique dresses.

Hate to do this because Kelly looks great, but John Travolta IS a wax figure, right? Hard to believe I used to crush on him during the Danny Zuko days. Also he’s wearing a chain choker.

Not into the white suit on anyone.

This is probably the most normal thing Lady GaGa has worn and yet she still managed to borrow Mr. Clean’s gloves and ruin it.

Don’t even know who this is but this dress is hideous. Sorry, girl.

I really loved this a lot, Marion Cotillard and then I saw the back…

This looks a little witchy for me.

I get that Meryl is God and everyone bows down to her but seriously can she start dressing like it? These church outfits with her hair pulled back are real roughsicles.

That red belt ruined it for me. Looks like a karate belt.

Yucky.

WAY too much green. Also reeeaalllllyyy not into her David Beckham hair.

1. Why is Solange Knowles at the Oscars? 2. Where is her body?

Will.i.am channeling Beetlejuice.

This bid Zendaya has been at every awards show this season looking terrible and I would like an explanation. How does a Disney channel star get to attend everything and bomb the red carpet every single time?

Real Talk: This dress is not doing her any favors.

Again, not doing any favors. I know she’s skinny AF but she looks wide here.

Meh.

Best Dressed:

I almost put Reese on the worst dressed list simply because I think this was her worst look this season. But then I decided to stop being a B…she still looks good I guess.

Hawtest couple of the night. Suits on point.

Although this is a side shot, JLo’s boobs were OBVIOUSLY out to play. Yeah yeah she always looks young and hot and great. Blah, blah. She wore the same exact dress all season. Yawn.

This photo only made the list because Mark Ruffalo’s wife looks great but check out that stank face. Girl is ABOVE this red carpet bullshit.

America looks GREAT and it’s a color no one else wore, props.

Can’t resist that sparkle on Anna Faris.

Wittle baby Ansel crushing his first Oscars.

I’m a sucker for a turquoise necklace.

One of my fave couples bringing it as always.

Jessica Chastain getting boobalicious but not over the top (JLo, take notes.)

Cheryl Hines looking young and fresh in a sparkly one strap.

Chloe Grace Moretz in a princess ball gown.

Yum. Where’s his “best friend from home” Tara?

Damn, grl.

Could’ve dressed up the gym ponytail but whatevs I’ll throw her a bone for the dress.

David Oyelowo (still have to google that) always has a snazzy tux.

Edward looks plain but his wife is pulling that mermaid dress OFF.

Not my favorite from Emma, I mean her sparkle pantsuit DID win my best dressed of the night at the Globes, but not the worst either.

Almost won my favorite look of the night until Cin got all Joan Rivers on me and told me it wasn’t that great. Whatevs. I think this dress is cool and different.

Flower’s a little much but Gwen looks gr8.

Jamie Chung with a fireworks dress.

Jen is back in my good grace’s after some terrible looks this season. Ending on a high note.

Only yellow of the night!

UNCLE JESSE!!!

SUMMER’S HERE. Lara Spencer rockin that hot pink/turquoise combo.

I’m pretty sure Laura Dern is old as shit and she DOES NOT look like it here.

Lupita just knows how to red carpet it up.

This is mostly about Miles Teller’s hawt girlfriend bringing the heat.

SASS in the BACK.

Another one ending on a high note after a dicey awards season, Rosamund Pike.

Twist on the typical black gown.

Nance looks fab, I guess Steve does too.

Viola Davis in a flattering ball gown.

AK with coral and T’s (tastefully) out for the red carpet.

Didn’t she just pop out twins? Pregnancy Rack – Baby Bump= Bangin.

And finally my favorite look of the night and Best Dressed of the Oscars 2015 goes toooooooooo……

Margot Robbie, the australian smokeshow who is my age. I also look like this when I go out on the town, so whatevs.

Bonus: Other than a bunch of stupid questions and awkward what are you wearing’s, this happened on the red carpet, and it was adorbsies:

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “I’m Lost Between Right and Wrong”

Last week was a real lull–even though they were reaching for the drama with Bev’s return it just wasn’t doing it for me. This week, however, sassy Rayna makes a comeback and it’s easily my favorite kind of Rayna. No more of this mopey mopey I’m famous as shit but my love life is a hot mess and I don’t know how to control my own children Rayna. This week, the bitch is back and she’s taking down slimeball Jeff Fordham. But let’s get the sobsies out of the way first.

In case you didn’t know…Deacon has liver cancer and it seems as though within a week’s time he has already turned into a walking corpse. That was real aggress, ABC. The hot doc won’t tell Deacon how much time he has so Deacon’s like FINE and storms out to go use The Google and see for himself. Tsk, tsk, Deacon didn’t anyone ever teach you not to EVER trust the internet as a medical source? Seriously, the amount of times I’ve used the symptom checker on WebMD to find out that my knee hurting was a brain tumor was enough for my mom to permanently block the website. Anyway, while surfing on the line he finds out that he has like one minute to live. He gets sad but then Maddie Face Times him and Scarlett forces him to stop being a baby bitch and talk to his daughter. Maddie doesn’t even seem to notice that Deacon looks like the Ghost of Nashville past, which seems like a real red flag to me, but she sets up a time to kick it with him and he hangs up and ugly cries. After he’s finished crying he draws up a will. Hey grim reaper, could you T it down a little? What did I tell you about writers killing off main characters? YOU’RE SAFE! Scarlett, chipper as can be, tries to tell Deacon that he’s not going to die so cut it out and he’s like yeah I’m already dead and I’m talking to you from beyond the grave. They both cry togets and it’s like I’m watching an episode of the Addams family with this shit.

Right as I’m about to take a razor to my wrists, Maddie comes over for her guitar lesson. Deacon still looks like he belongs in a body bag and he tells Maddie that maybe she should think about getting a new guitar teacher because dead people can’t teach guitar. Maddie, always subtle about her feelings, shouts I WILL NOT. YOU’RE FREAKIN DEACON CLAYBOURNE, AND YOU’RE MY DAD. Then she throws a tantrum over learning a chord progression on the guitar and Deacon’s talks her down from the musical suicide ledge and she sings it out and suddenly Deacon believes he’s going to live and he’s SO done with being a Debbie Downer. Thank God.

In further desperate attempts to give Scarlett a relevance to this show ever since she quit the biz, she goes OFF on hot doc for not giving her and Deacon the answers they need. He flirtatiously talks about lattes with her then calls her a happy bully and tells her to stop suffocating Deacon with the fuzzy you’re gonna live forever wuzzies. They flirt some more and I’d like to take this time to quote myself from February 5th when we first met Dr. Sexy and I predicted that they would hook him up with someone. Ding ding dingggg that didn’t take long. Hey Scar, I know your uncle’s dying but maybe wait until after the all clear to hook up with his doc.

Scarlett might not be hooking up just yet, but her ex boyf and his buddies are quick to pick up the slack on casual sex this week. Gunnar’s real messed up about having a fake son for a few weeks and then losing custody, Luke returns from boozy touring with his broken heart, and Will is still REAL closeted so BOYS NIGHT OUT! They troll the clubs of Nashville like they’re on the Jersey Shore and hope on some real grenades. Gunnar pulls the public make out with a club rat, Luke takes one home and Will strong arms a chick who tries to make out with him. The morning after the boys recap the night hung over, like girls do after wine night and Will is like OK it’s confession time, I’m not really into banging random girls anymore. And Luke’s like I get it, I’m also ~~gay~~ sensitive. Will’s closet is still padlocked shut. Gunnar and Luke have a jam sesh and I stand by the fact that post-Rayna Luke is all sorts of awesome. He sings a ballad that’s obviously about her but the song is amAHzing. Luke and Gunnar are sad togets cause they both have broken hearts. New and improved Luke tells Gunnar to write a song about it like he did when he suddenly starting making good music. He says, “Your first love sleeps with your brother, Gunnar it doesn’t get any more country than that.” So much wisdom.

Alright, the moment we’ve been waiting for, Rayna’s about to take us all to CHURCH. Obviously after Teddy sly dog signed his fifteen year old daughter up for an ole record deal, we knew shit was gonna hit the fan. I didn’t predict how much of a baby bitch Teddy would be about it though and it gave me pure joy to watch. Jeff sends Rayna a diamond necklace for Maddie, welcoming her to Edgehill. (Genuine question-do we think that’s the first time Jeff’s ever purchased jewelry for a woman? His first diamond buy is for a fifteen year old, niiiiice Jeffy.) Rayna marches on over to Jeff’s office and is like ohhhh helll nawwww, GUITAR RIFF.

The Rayna of Terror (get it?) continues in Teddy’s office when she’s like hey asshole you signed our daughter to a record label? And Teddy’s like I’ve been meaning to tell you about that, NBD but KBD. They fight about whose the better parent (real talk: they both kinda suck) and Rayna hits up the legal team next. She comes back at Teddy guns blazin with the threat to strip him of his parental rights because he’s not even Maddie’s biological father. LAWYERED. Teddy folds like a house of cards and blubbers out his whole trashy sordid tale of prostitutes drugs and sleazy best friends. Ray looks at him with disgust like he’s sitting in his own steaming pile of shit when he offers to help and says you’ve done enough. I’ll clean up your sticky mess because you couldn’t keep it in your pants around a prosty.

With that, Rayna pins her hair up in a real ambiguous top bun that is the only thing I don’t love about her this episode, and storms into Fordham’s board meeting with the record company chairman. Jeff is lapping up the chairman’s interest in Maddie’s music and promises that she will absolutely be their cash cow and Rayna proceeds to blow Jeff’s shit WIDE open. As innocent as can be she’s like I’m sure you’d be interested to know that Jeff Fordham abuses his female clients, check the footage of his pool on December 12th, tralala. And Mr. Chairman says the contract never existed as far as he’s concerned. Rayna shines her nails, flips her hair and PEACES. When Teddy comes to see her later she tells him I’ll be taking our daughters back for now, maybe you should go to sex therapy and also get the F out of my office. And BAM. That’s how it’s done. Take notes, cause Rayna just verbally knocked Teddy down and then dug her cowboy boot heel into his dick while simultaneously ousting Fordham from his greasy throne. All in a day’s work. BOOYAH.

Since I had to watch these I guess I will also make you read about them–the lame story lines from this week…

-FE FI FO FUM, Juliette continues to be the most insufferable and massive pregnant woman on this earth. She’s on bed rest because she can’t locate her feet and a remote gets lost in the wide abyss of her hands. She also calls Avery 100 times while he’s at the studio to tell him everything she’s eaten that day.

-I’m over Sadie Stone. I think she’s a Melvin and her story line is played out. There I said it. Her husband comes back and serves her with papers and then threatens to follow her wherever she goes until she gives him money. She cries about it a lot and is afraid then tells Avery all about her woes and he tries to defend her by yelling at Pete. When Pete starts to lunge at Avery, Sadie suddenly finds her girl power and is like GET OUTTA HERE YOU TURD. Then FEMINISM she’s SO ready to sing now. And her song suuuuucks. I expected to hear a sassy chick anthem and instead we get ANOTHER weepy song from her. Enough. Step it up or get outta here. I need another “Wrong Song” and I needed it last season.

-Layla is still kicking around unfortunately…she passed her psych eval, ugh. On the up side, she’s thinking about leaving and I can only hope she suffers the same swift cowboy boot to the ass that Zoey did. Jeff gives her false hope when he asks her to perform for the label chairman and then stiffs her because Rayna comes in and throws down. He shows up to her house to be like let me explain, I got fired and I would like a sympathy bang pls.

RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Surprise!”

The Extreme Fighting: Housewives edition has come to a screeching halt and I’m having severe withdrawals. Ya gotta let us down easy, Andy. This week’s episode went back to the boring ho hum of everyone getting along at social events and pairing off for peaceful hangouts. Yawn.

Yo still doesn’t know how to Face Time and also has Brandi over for more yoga with sexy yoga instructor Keith, who coincidentally also has the personality of a rock. Yolanda made Brandi do the 21 day cleanse with her because everyone was sick of her turning into Jenny from the Block every time she had a few cocktails. Yoli is so proud of her little girl for staying drink free that she announces it to Yoga Keith, who basically says who cares let’s get back to the silent workout I’m being paid for.

Everyone talks about the Kim & Kyle sitch except for Kim & Kyle, which is always really healthy. Lisa sits down with Kyle to hash it out as she sits atop her throne and twirls her reading specs. No but actually Lisa gives some really good advice when she tells Kyle to maybe not react so much when Brandi attacks her and try to understand that Kim’s treating her like a pile of dog shit because they’re sisters and she knows that relationship will always be there no matter what. Eileen on the other hand got herself directly involved when she tried to play family counselor at a high-end restaurant, which naturally progressed into an F-bomb fest. Eileen lunches with her hubs Vincent and talks about how maybe that wasn’t her best idea. Vin thinks the girls are making too much of it, proving again that he doesn’t understand how the housewives franchise works. Eileen doesn’t understand why these two nimrods don’t just see a therapist. I too, wonder that, Eileen. Vincent continues to be a bozo when they discuss the “screenplay table read” party that they’re having (ONLY IN BEVERLY HILLS) and Vincent insists they should serve drinks to get everyone loose enough to act. HEY VINCENT, do you not remember peering out of the window in your garage only to see a driveway full of women in stilettos beating each other? Is that still not engraved in your mind’s eye? Maybe Eileen’s right and this should probably be a dry party, as much as I hate to say it because that obviously means SNOOZE fest. Vincent and Eileen also get some scallops complimentary from the chef because they have cameras taping their lunch but they act like it’s because they’re celebrities, which is pretty hilarious.

Kyle & Kim and Rinna & Lisa carpool respectively to the table read, which just gives them an excuse to gossip. Rinna and Lisa talk about how Kim’s fallen off the wagon and there is absolutely NO way that Lisa will ever intervene in that again after sobriety attack #1 under the Eiffel Tower. Rinna’s like what’s the big deal, I could take Kim. Meanwhile Kim and Kyle pretend they’re Gucci now except for the fact that Kim says Brandi is really wretched sometimes but then she owns it so it’s okay and Kyle says maybe Brandi should STFU. Ho hum, just a loving sister chat.

At the party, Eileen is wearing overalls and a see through lace tank. Seriously, first the bucket hat and now the overalls? I’m not kidding about Mary Kate & Ashley circa the late 90’s being this chick’s style muse. Vincent’s bros are there and Kim tells a riveting story about the time she was a child actor and saw Betty Davis without her wig because she HID in her dressing room like a classified creep. This is why we can’t trust children. Whoa, where’d that come from? Just kidding. Sorta. LISA IS AN ACTRESS? WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS HER FACE? Rinna, who reminds us that she’s an actress daily, is side swept to the announcer role of the screenplay, yikes talk about your craft being dumped on. She’s in a room with two child actors who have been out of work since the 80’s and a music video star and she’s the narrator. Dem’s the breaks. It’s probably because she doesn’t even have an EMMY LIKE EILEEN DOES. Kim has a weird puppet role that suits her quite well and everyone slyly makes fun of this stupid poker puppet script in the same way they made fun of Eileen’s dumb space movie they were forced to watch in cheap polyester seats. The party ends with Lisa getting her hands on that Emmy and giving a touching speech about sleeping her way to the top. Also the girls act concerned for Kim and she cries about Monty and says Brandi is her BFF because they BBQ together and it gets her out of her house that smells like death.

The big event that brings the whole gang together, including GASP Kathy Hilton, who isn’t even a twat this episode, is Lisa’s surprise birthday party. Ken pulls it together and gives Brandi a call to invite her and also tell her to be on her best behavior, which of course means she can’t drink or speak, NBD. Lisa is 54, which means Ken is about to be put in a nursing home. Kim, the beloved Kathy Hilton, Brandi and her random guy friend who keeps popping up at inopportune times all ride to Lisa’s party together. Kathy doesn’t want to get in the middle of anything but she says it with a twinkle in her eye and a quick cackle. Obviously by her even riding in with that group she knows Kyle’s gonna go apeshit and she rubs her hands together in anticipation. Kathy also takes a dig at Brandi for not drinking with her at the party, what a firecracker that woman is, I tell ya. JK can we go back to episodes of her talking down to Kim and Kyle now in her I’m more rich and famous than either of you will ever be manner? Ken tries to get Lisa to Pump for her surprise party and she’s being a real bitch about it telling him she can’t be bothered with an extra stop on the way to dinner.

He drags her into the restaurant and her friends shoot up from the bar and I’m pretty sure Lisa shits her pants, which was everything I ever needed to see. Lance Bass is here. I know that because they show him a bunch of times and also add his name as IF we don’t know who he is. So much star power, one gay club. Lisa tries to start unnecessary drama with Brandi but because Brandi’s sober she’s like k whatever, which I think is more shocking than her replying with I’ll punch you square in your teeth holder. Brandi goes to the bathroom and Lisa’s gets on the mic for a toast and is all knock knock (who’s there?) IT’S THAT BITCH BRANDI WHO I HATE. And no one laughs and she has to be like I’m kidddddinnngg dahlingsssss, take a joke. Then she goes over and rips a flower out of Brandi’s head and tells her she must sing a song about how much she loves her cause it’s her birthday after all. I’m getting the vibe that Lisa’s the kind of gal who has a birthday month and anyone who doesn’t attend every event is dead to her. Brandi accepts the hazing and sings that she loves Lisa in a real ear-shattering voice and everyone laughs at her, not with her. Then Lisa gets her hands on that mic and doesn’t let go, crooning some jazz song and forcing others to join her and suck her D via melody. If I was at this party I would’ve bounced the second the singing began because it is ROUGH. It’s like when the drunk girls start to get weepy, time to bizounce. And in the end Lisa gets a massive pink diamond that she previously tried on and Ken takes a lot of heat for having THE NERVE to invite Brandi. No drinks are thrown, no F-bombs screeched, and certainly no bracelets scratching. SURPRISE-This party’s a dud, even Kim thought so as she dodged half-assed interventions all night, obviously just warming up for the big one next week. Here’s hoping that turns into a real doozy or else we’re done for this season now that everyone’s sobering up.

Notable Moments:

-Brandi calling Rinna, Kyle and Lisa sing/slobbering all over each other the “Menopause mamas fighting for the mic.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

-Eileen points out that these women can talk about their vaginas till the cows come home. Pretty accurate and something I’ve become quite immune to.

-Yo is throwing a party next week and she’s making Dream Team tee’s, allowing us to gloriously flashback to the days when she had a long slicked back mane and put hearts on certain place cards. Ah the dream team days ❤ Things were much simpler then.

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Home Is Where The Wild Mustang Is (Part 2)

We pick up where we left off on Sunday night, in Iowa with a bunch of hostile women pretending to picture themselves living in the most boring town in America where they would always smell like cow shit. Chris kicks it with Becca while the girls trash talk as per usual. Chris tries to woo Becca by telling her even though this isn’t some fancy place like Italy or Belgium; it’s still SO great. Hard sell, Chris. Becca reveals that she has never been in love and also her last relationship was 4 years. I find that pretty weird, but who am I to judge…Just kidding, Becca is honest and far from fake in their open conversation and she’s probably my favorite on this show. They seal the deal with some sunset kisses and you can see Britt sneaking out from the corner to Instagram the Iowa sunset for her new account “I ❤ Iowa.”

It’s cocktail party time, but before the girls can paint their faces on (quite literally), Britt reveals that she’s so hurt over Chris not rose-ing her that she’s going to pack her shit and bid farewell at the cocktail party. Carly calls her bluff because she hates her with a fiery flame of passion and Britt’s like hey everyone CTFD, I don’t want to upset you, I love you girls FOREVA. In a shocking turn of events, there is no cocktail party and therefore no time for Jade to talk about her naked past or Britt to beg Chris to beg her to stay.

Chris starts his queer speech about making the tough decisions and Britt cuts in to ask if they can just have a real quick chat. She apologizes for putting him in an awk position when she word gommicked all over him. Chris looks like he smells an onion burp, which is pretty typical for his listening face. Then Britt turns it on him and asks what he has to say to her, AKA time to beg her to stay. He doesn’t want a wife who lies a lot, I guess, because he tells Britt to take her free hugs and kisses and give them to someone else. Britt drapes her body on the curb and scream sobs outside to remind every one what it was like to live with KardASHLEY. Carly gets all mean girl in her aside with an evil laugh and a glass full of Britt’s tears. Britt cries into the camera something along the lines of; I thought Carly was my friend even though she was constantly insulting me to my face waaaahhhhh.

Chris comes back with a stern look to announce that he kicked Britt to the curb, literally because her sobs can still be heard from the curb in which she lies. I’m here to find forever, LADIES…is what he announces before he roses Kaitlyn, Whitney, Becca and Jade. Carly doesn’t get a rose. She’s surprised, eternally of course. Her heart is completely broken and she’s sad ALL the time so it’s good to see that she’s not taking this too hard. She also shouts, “WHATS WRONG WITH ME?” and I have to cover my eyes because this is so sad and embarrassing. Realistically, she kinda set herself up for failure when she made a hand puppet of Britt complete with lipstick.

Becca- Shreveport, Louisiana

Becca gives Chris a canoe pep talk, but still doesn’t reveal that she’s a viiiiirgin. Although after this visit it wouldn’t be out of left field for Chris to guess. Becca’s family announces ad nauseum that they’ve never seen her near a guy and how truly weird it is that she even knows how to talk to the opposite gender. Becca’s sis sits down with Chris and lays down a real impressive cock block when she tells him that Becca doesn’t like touching or kissing or any of that nonsense. If this were my sister we would have a murder on our hands for how bad she makes Becca sound to her potential husband. Mom adds on to this by telling Chris it’s shocking to see that Becca and Chris hold hands. Our only remaining virgin decides to trap Chris in a fantasy suite before telling him she’s not going to bone until marriage, and I for one can’t wait to see that go down. (No seriously, SOMETHING’S gonna go down when she breaks that news…Get it guys? A boner deflating joke. Not funny? K never mind.) Annnyyyway, at the end of their home visit, Chris surprises Becca with a trip to the State Fair and a private Ferris wheel ride, which is a pretty cute idea. I’ll give him that. They can never top Marissa and Ryan’s Ferris wheel kiss though. Don’t try to knock the champs from the top of the wheel, Chris.

Whitney- Chicago, IL

First stop in Whit’s town=her work, womp womppppp. “Let’s make a baby!” she tells Chris in her shrillest tone imaginable. He shadows her at work and they both wear scrubs and then Whit tricks Chris into J’ing it into a cup so she can test his sperm. He basically grabs the Playboy (which issue, I wonder?) and shoos her out. Not before Whitney can be like GOTCHA, LOLZ, Please don’t masturbate at my place of employment!!! HAHA. Side note: How does Whitney have a real job and also was able to leave for months of filming a TV show? Where do I also find a job like that?

They go to meet Whitney’s family after and Chris wants to ask Whitney’s sister for permission to propose. (PS Whitney’s mint necklace is on point.) Whitney’s sister, Kimberly is looking pretty judgey. She’s all, “you don’t need my approval to do what you want, you’re a grown woman.” And Whitney is upset that she’s not jumping for joy. The sassternaut sister tells Chris to his face that he can call her and ask again when he’s not dating four women at once. Point: Whitney’s Sis. In the end, Whitney wants to open a bottle of wine she was saving for her love. She gets sobby and says she’s absolutely fallen in life with him. Hearts are aflutter at the first real intense declaration of love.

Kaitlyn-Arizona/Canada?

Kaitlyn, always the fun party gal brings Chris to a recording studio first, to write a rap. Obviously Kaitlyn crushes her verses, my favorite was: “I hope that all you noticed was my knockout dress.” Chris jumps in for his verses and has absolutely NO FLOW. Andy Milonakis is a better rapper than Chris and he used to rap about mouse dicks. True story. Seriously bro are you good at anything other than growing corn?

They go to dinner with the whole fam and sit around a classy fire pit table. Kaitlyn chats with her super glam mom about how she could potentially fall in love with Chris. Right now though, she only hearts him, whereas Whitney looooves him. Mom ACTUALLY sees a twinkle in Kaitlyn’s eye, or she’s had one too many glasses of Chard, either way. Kait’s mom doesn’t even want to talk to Chris, so that’s awk that she hates him or something. At the end Kaitlyn surprises Chris with a billboard she made that says Kaitlyn ❤ Chris like she just signed his yearbook. It’s pretty lameskis.

Jade-Nebraska

Here we are. The big reveal. Chris and Jade’s dad sit down togets and her dad tells Chris she’s a real pistol and most boys can’t handle his daughter. (I’m assuming he found this out when his co-workers were taking her issue of playboy into the bathroom with them.) Her brothers talk about her aspiring modeling career and give us the line of the night when they call her a wild mustang. They also call her a free spirit. Basically Jade’s whole family is trying to warn Chris that she’s a loose goose in the nicest way possible. That perplexes him of course. The brothers basically tell Chris to not to try to tame Jade, which makes me think maaaaybe she won’t fit into his Arlington lifestyle. Dad gives Jade a tearful pep talk about following her heart but WE’RE STILL WAITING FOR THE CONFESSION…

Finally Jade and Chris return to his hotel and she reiterates that she’s such a free spirit. Is that code for a little bit slutty now? I can’t keep up with the slang these days. Anyway, there’s a long stare and finally she’s like well I guess it’s time for me to bring this up because the producers told me to…Apparently when she moved from Nebraska to LA she was feeling really liberated and didn’t say no to anything. I didn’t exaggerate that, she actually said that she wouldn’t say no. There’s a lot of talking in circles and she eventually spits it out and immediately goes I could show you some photos! As she says that she lays her hands out in front of her like she’s holding out her baby’s first photo album and not opening up the spank bank of 13-year-old boys across America. Chris is like if that will make you feel more comfortable I won’t argue checking out some nudes. But then he’s pretttyyy uncomfy looking at Jade’s snatch with her gauging his reaction. He obviously has a weird boner from it. ABC doesn’t let us see any of them, what a bunch of squares. Anyway she’s embarrassed or nervous or whatever and Chris reassures her everything’s kosh even though everyone in America can see she’s outta here.

Rose Ceremony:

Roses-Whitney, Kaitlyn, Becca

See YA nudie magazine girl! Jade’s wearing a one-sleeve dress, which pretty much makes her defeat that much worse. Chris says goodbye to her and she shivers because her left arm is exposed. He tells her, things have moved faster with the other girls and that’s all there is to it, WINK. No seriously, Chris winked. It may have been a nervous twitch but we all saw that he was sneaky telling us she got cut cause Playboy. He wipes tears from his eyes as he waves goodbye to Jade’s limo fading into the night. I can only imagine what’s going through his mind; my first guess is “This was really hard.”

Best Quotes from Dum Dum Chris:

“I make corn. I can’t imagine what it would be like to make babies.”-Chris needs to go back to 6^th grade health class.

“I’m pretty confident my soulesers are marching.”-Lulzzzz a little sperm pun for the perpetually immature (Me.)

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor- Arlington, Iowa. Anyone? Anyone? (Part 1)

This week The Bachelor decided to inundate it’s viewers with many extra hours of blubbering dum dums. And for that reason these recaps are delayed. This is the recap for Sunday night’s episode (discluding the tell-all that in reality told nothing) and hopefully Monday night’s episode recap will be up tomorrow SO NO SPOILERS, GUYZ.

Since we now have a trend of moving the rose ceremony to the next episode, Chris comes back from the Badlands with only a few puncture wounds from KardASHLEY and Kelsey. The girls cheer his victory over them and he severely downplays how sob city KardASHLEY was. Then Megan takes Chris aside before rose time and blubbers out many sentences that aren’t coherent. Basically she wants to know why she’s not a frontrunner and Chris says hey this is really hard, and she says ok thank youuu, bye. Chris REALLY lays it on thick and goes back to talk to the other girls about JUST how painful that was for him. Then says it 10 more times for good measure. ADD PAINFUL TO THE DRINKING GAME, THANKS CHRIS. He takes C.Harrison aside to tell him that this is just too painful to do and he would like to marry all of these women if that’s cool. Instead everyone gets to go to Iowa and no one gets sent home (except Helmet Megan), so HA HA the joke’s on all of you because you’re actually being punished either way.

Jade Visits Arlington

Chris talks to the cows and asks them if there’s a chance he convinces any of these betches to move to a farm. The cows ask why Chris hasn’t done pushups on haystacks yet. Good point, cows. Jade’s on her way into Arlington and she’s from a small town, so she knows how boring they are. She also did a girl next door spread in Playboy, so she knows what farm girls wear: nothing, duh. Chris shows Jade all of the vacant buildings and tumbleweeds of downtown Arlington. There are 0.0 bars in the entire city. I repeat, THERE ARE NO BARS IN ARLINGTON. I respect Jade for not kicking rocks right then. Jade tells the camera that she genuinely feels bad Chris even lives there, which I’m sure is comforting to him. At night they hit up the high school football game cause WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO DO? Jade meets the parents and they think she’s a lovely princess and not a softcore porn star. Then Chris & Jade sneak into his English classroom and it’s SO REBELLIOUS that the camera crew got permission to film there. Jade talks about how she’s a good girl and she works hard for everything and definitely didn’t show off her T&A to the general public or anything. They kiss in the middle of the football field to the sound of about ten screaming fans. The final moment is a Breakfast Club freeze frame of Chris and his gal and it’s just so poetic that I almost forget Jade is hiding Playboys underneath her bed from him.

Back at the house, Jade tells everyone about their football field kiss and Britt starts crying and makes it all about herself. Carly really amps up her weird cartoon voices and also decides to bring the leftovers (Becca, Britt and Kaitlyn) on a road trip to Arlington without Chris. They don’t understand that cow manure smells like farts, but they learn pretty quickly. Kaitlyn is dressed for a small town visit in a crop top, of course. They ask the pastor where he goes to drink and stuff. Good work, girls. He informs them that any human life is usually about an hour outside of the “city”. Britt was like hey this place blows I cannot ever live here, but then an Instagram-worthy sunset completely changed her mind cause she’d probably get lots of likes if she grammed the landscape out there every day. Carly continues to hate every single thing about Britt.

Let’s Look for Love in Des Moines-Whitney

Whitney and Chris go to an art museum with pictures of love because Des Moines is known for its art and culture. Also they’re going to document their love as well!! They take a lot of kissing selfies and also force other people to take pictures of them sucking face. Whitney wants to show these slobber fest photos to her kids one day. Hey Whit, I’m guessing your kids aren’t gonna wanna see their parents play tonsil hockey all over Des Moines. Chris’s BFFS show up to dinner with Whitney and apparently Chris hangs out with three avid Dr. Phil fans. They get super serious and ask some real hard-hitting questions about her feelings and if she’ll subject herself to living in this stinktown. The BFF’s stamp her with approval and leave. Whitney wants to tell Chris before he visits her home that her mom passed away and she doesn’t have a relationship with her dad. The way that she tells this story is 90000x more genuine than the sordid tale of Sanderson Poe. She’s like real talk: I’m an orphan but I don’t want your sympathy. And the best part about it is I believe her, because she’s not turning it into a four act play. In the end, Chris surprised Whitney with one of their pictures as a mural on the side of the building. It’s cute and then Chris’s laugh overflows my ears and Whitney’s already piercing voice gets even higher than normal. The cute moment was pretty fleeting. When she asks if that’s going to be there forever they show it again and it looks like a poster that’s been taped up, so maybe it’s not a forever mural.

Things get real dramats back at the hotel or wherever the hell they put these girls in Iowa when Jade reveals to Carly because they’re “so close” that she did nude “modeling” for Playboy. Fun fact: Jade’s dad found out from his co-workers and IS HE STILL ALIVE?! Cause I’m gonna guess if my dad’s co-workers were passing around pics of my vag at work things would get REAL suicidal.

“Icey our future together” with Britt, Carly & Kaitlyn

The girls get the date card and try to guess if they’ll be Ice skating. They think really hard about the clue. Britt puts on a real show about how she’s terrible at it. Carly continues to charge the hate train full steam ahead and calls her out for saying she’s bad at EVERYTHING and being a big fake fakerson. Then Carly has a REAL weird period of time where she puts lipstick on her hand and pretends her hand is Britt. I wish I was making this up. The date is at an indoor rink and they play a quick game of pickup hockey and Chris skates just about as poorly as he sings. Britt wraps her legs around him when she greets him and NEEDS confirmation that he’s obsessed with her. She obviously tells him that Arlington is perfect and she can’t see herself waking up with lipstick on anywhere else. Carly promptly narc’s on Britt being a liar who tells lies BECAUSE SHE CARES about Chris’s feelings, guys.

Later they have drinks and sit down one on one…again. Britt just wants Chris to WANT to come to her hometown and eat chicken nuggets off of paper plates. She reiterates that all she wants is to be a mom, no matter what shitty town she’s forced to live in. Kaitlyn is concerned that everyone else is getting more time for connections than her but she’s genuine about it and doesn’t hop all over Chris’s dick like Britt does. She gets the rose. They kiss. (Does Chris wipe off Britt’s lipstick between takes? Can the girls taste each other via Chris’s mouth? I still have so many questions about his BTB makeouts every single date.) Anyway, Britt clearly doesn’t take this rose action well and has a breakdown in front of everyone. She word vomits all her feels and it’s real cringeworthy. Chris handles it about as well as he handles any confrontational sitch, by saying this was a tough decision and he PEACES. The three of them wah-wah about how they’re not getting enough validation and pretending they don’t hate each other’s guts. We have another cliff hanger rose ceremony so we will soon find out (you all probably already know) if Britt will be showing him around the restaurant she works at or if Jade will be opening the sticky pages of her Playboy for a little popcorn reading. Stay Tuned for Part 2.

Best Quotes:

“So much corn. Dirt road. Wild grass.”-Jade describing Iowa and if I close my eyes I can really see it. She painted a picture with her descriptive words here.

“Land is one of my passions. I like owning it and working it.”-Chris sharing how the earth turns him on.

“Hey mom, don’t Google my wife.”-Carly predicting what Chris will have to say should he choose the “nude model”.

Pop Culture

Ten Best Celebrity Couples

Since Valentine’s Day was Saturday, I thought it would be an appropriate time to list all of the celebrity couples that I would’ve liked to be a third wheel with for the holiday of Looooove. Here’s the ten best celeb couples (in no particular order) who are going to make it the long haul…according to me. (If you’re reading this months or weeks from now and any or all of these couples have broken up please do not blame me. I’m still reeling from the dissolution of Nick and Jessica. It’ll be too much to handle if I’m also a curse.)

John Krasinski & Emily Blunt.

I have a REAL difficult time separating John Krasinski from Jim Halpert and I think many Office fans can agree, which basically means that John must be the most romantic and adorable husband alive. The best part is that Emily Blunt is a sassy Brit instead of a meek little deer in the headlights like Pam was, so this relationship is EVEN better. They prank Jimmy Kimmel together every year, they crushed the ALS ice bucket challenge and they never take Hollywood too seriously.

Years Together: 7 (Married in 2010)

Beyonce & Jay-Z.

There cannot be a top celeb couples list without the Queen & King themselves. They’re outrageously rich and spend like 90% of their time just F-ing around on yachts with baby royalty Blue Ivy. I respect the hell out of their lavish lifestyles because they deliver some sick beats, and most recently the coolest married couple concert ever. Only Bey & Jay can get away with recording a song about the two of them banging constantly and make the term “Surfbordt” popular. Also no one should ever be caught saying bad things about these two, because Illuminati.

Years Together: 11 (Married in 2008)

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner.

Ben and Jen are easily the most normal Hollywood couple ever. They’re more likely to be seen taking their kids to school or going to a soccer game in sneakers and jeans than doing stupid frivolous celeb things. They’re not all in yo face when they’re at awards shows together and Jen even let it slide when Ben won a bunch of awards for Argo and said that their marriage was work cause he got nervsies. Cool, calm and all about the fam.

Years Together: 11 (Married in 2005)

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds.

Have you seen these two? I have unrealistic high hopes that their baby will be the most beautiful baby on this earth, should they ever show her or reveal her name. Also I have a bigger crush on Blake than I do on Ryan, judge me, I dare you. Although it certainly helps Ryan’s charisma that he recently called Blake a human Denny’s because she’s breakfast lunch and dinner for their daughter. He’s quick to add that she’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen. Swooooon.

Years Together: 4 (Married in 2012)

Eric Decker & Jessie James Decker.

I first learned about these two when they got a reality TV show on E! and I loved them immediately but was also SUUUPER nervsies that they would catch the reality show curse of Newlyweds. They’ve got a little bit of the Nick & Jessica dynamic because Jessie’s the goofy crazy one and Eric calms her down and puts up with her antics, but I’m pleased to report that their marriage is still intact and they recently had the most adorbs baby ever. I don’t even like babies and I’m obsessed with this one so that’s saying a lot. Please feel free to drool over their family photos like I do on a regular basis.

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In case you missed it and need some inspiration for your #babyitschristmas fan video submission!

A post shared by Jessie James Decker (@jessiejamesdecker) on Nov 18, 2014 at 9:51am PST

Years Together: 4 (Married in 2013)

Emma Stone & Andrew Garfield.

These two crazy kids have a nice way of staying mostly private but still letting everyone know that they’re in love and are fun and stuff. Emma made an appearance when Andrew hosted SNL and they did a goofy kissing skit together. They’re known for photobombing and using their paparazzi shots to promote good causes. Also this just gives me an excuse to post Emma Stone’s lip sync battle on Fallon, which was epic. When Fallon had Andrew on after that he pointed out that they should’ve never given Emma a mic because she got real serious with it, real quick. The couple that lip syncs at home together, stays together.

Years Together: 4

Chrissy Teigen & John Legend.

I’m starting to see a trend here with the outspoken crazy girl and the other half that calms her down and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. Anyway Chrissy is a supermodel who also has a pottymouth, isn’t afraid to look like an idiot and creates twitter wars with her haters. John is a classy 9-time Grammy-winning singer/songwriter piano playing extraordinaire. They met on the set of one of his music videos. They found love in a hopeless place. Just kitten, but seriously all you need to do is watch the music video for “All of Me” and your heart will be all kinds of melting. Chrissy also pretty frequently screenshots her texts with John where she basically just trolls him, which is always good for a laugh. Bonus Points: When she had an ugly crying face after seeing John perform at the Globes she handled it real well. By making fun of herself.

Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

David & Victoria Beckham.

Ah, British royalty. Becks was the sex-tastic futbol player, Victoria was Posh Spice. It was the 90’s and everything was magical. Becks fell in love with Posh’s ability to never look like she’s having an ounce of fun and the rest is history. They invaded America finally and we all haven’t been the same since. They also created a crop of future models with their four kids that have been high fashion since they were in diapers. Harper’s toddler top knot at fashion week for all the awards.

Years Together: 18 (Married in 1999)

Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan-Tatum.

They met on the set of Step Up, arguably one of the best dance movies of all time and couldn’t deny the chemistry of their dirty dancing. They got married and Channing rewarded every woman in America with Magic Mike and his “Pony” striptease. And Jenna was like yeah bitches, that’s my husband and he used to be a stripper. Then they had a kid and Jenna supported Channing putting on the lbs and coined it “fappy” (Fat+Happy) Channing. Just recently they were snapped having a dance-off after the Golden Globes proving to be the best thing to come out of Step Up, and yes that was a direct dig to Step up 2-100.

Years Together: 10 (Married in 2009)

Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard.

Kristen and Dax are goobers.They’ve been doing a series of ads for Samsung for about a year now and call me a sucker but how they are in these commercials is exactly how I assume they interact at home. I eat that shit right up. They’ve always been all about sharing funny stories and being open about their relationship on talk shows and a few years ago Dax surprised Kristen with a sloth on her 31st birthday and she was so happy that she hysterically cried about it. Always the good husband, Dax filmed it all for our viewing pleasure. (See clip below) Plus after second baby Delta was born, Dax described Kristen’s C Section in the most romantic of ways, “After seeing this autopsy, I would rather see a school bus drive out of her vagina.” So he’s almost as much of a wordsmith as Ryan Reynolds comparing Blake’s breast-feeding to a diner chain.

Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

JUice

Weekly JUice

1. NYFW-DIS BLAKE’S SHIT. RESPECT THAT. BOW DOWN BITCHES. Seriously though is it New York Fashion Week or Blake Lively Week? Did she just have a baby or something? NBD but HBD.

Also Rihanna probably should’ve just turned around and went home in that bathmat top and strategically hanging off of her arms bedazzled jean jacket.

2. Taylor Swift releases music video for Style on Friday the 13th (duh). It was certainly not what I expected from Tay for this little number but watch below and then I’ll force my commentary on you.

Obviously Blank Space was a bananas video so to follow that is already tough stuff. This was an artsy approach to the one of many songs that were about her former lovah Harry. I guess I can respect the visuals and the tree trunk growing in her spine for the most part…Things that I really liked: the red lips when he looks in the rearview mirror although I don’t condone scaring someone when they’re driving at night. It’s been a known fear of mine to drive somewhere in the dark by myself, look in the rearview mirror and see someone’s face. So although it looked cool in the video it’s also terrifying. Anyway, I got sidetracked there–other things I liked: gratuitous abs and another stellar hot male lead, girl never disappoints in the man candy dept. Also when things got scandalous and there was a little sex tryst that resulted in lightning. I think she’s trying to tell us she’s got mad bedroom skillz. Lastly the white criss cross crop was killing it. Things I could do without: barefoot in the woods,all of the superimposed eyes coming in hot. Too many eyes, too little faces. Will they ever find each other?

3. Brett Eldredge throws an impromptu karaoke bar crawl in Nashville. Sex on a stick, Brett confirmed what I’ve believed for many years now, that I should probably live in Nashville, when he posted an instavideo telling people to meet him at Warner Music if they wanted to do some karaoke. He then filled a party bus and went bar hopping with a bunch of strangers singing karaoke. Some of the songs he sang included: No Diggity, Ignition, Bang Bang, The Joker by Steve Miller Band and obviously he did his best impression of himself when he noticed his own songs were on the karaoke machine as well. My obsession with Brett grew three sizes and I wasn’t even there to witness this. If I was there I ABSOLUTELY would’ve knocked it out of the park with Bye, Bye, Bye. Brett could be the JC to my JT any day.

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Karaoke last night with my fans was bang bang BANGIN….I guess you could say we had fun😂

A post shared by Brett Eldredge (@bretteldredge) on Feb 10, 2015 at 4:54pm PST

4. Missy Elliott’s music video dancer still goes HAM on those moves. While rest of the world quickly forgot about Missy after the Super Bowl I obviously did not and went on a binge of her classics so when I stumbled upon this video I felt it was necessary to share, to keep the Missy love alive. Alyson Stoner was like an 8 year old dancer in every single one of Missy’s music videos and she was a little white girl with puffy bangs who was G AF. Example:

She was also in Cheaper by the Dozen, Step up (s), and Mike’s Super Short Show for all you Disney kids like me. Naturally as fading stars do, Alyson caught a wiff of the Missy nostalgia and just made a Missy Tribute video (she ain’t dead yet gurl) showing off her moves from the music video days–mostly to hawk that she’s now a singer too, but we’ll let it slide. She’s still a straight up gangster and I’m big enough to admit my dance skillz are sub-par so it was cool to watch. All this buzz is probably leading up to a Missy comeback and I love every minute of it.

5. In honor of 50 Shades opening weekend, here’s the only appearance leading up to the premiere that didn’t make me cringe all over. Jamie Dornan on the Tonight Show doing some sexy accents and popcorn reading. If you’re going to see the movie this weekend just close your eyes and picture his buttery accent wafting over your body instead of bland.com Dakota Johnson/Anastasia meekly whispering her lines while the two of them exude the sexual tension of cardboard. Happy Valentine’s Day ❤

Nashville, Television

Nashville- “I’ve Got Reasons to Hate You”

Three weeks have passed in Nashville since the wedding that wasn’t, the death that wasn’t, and the dad that wasn’t. The writers took a break this week from the exhausting and repetitive story lines of Will and Layla and I’ve never been more grateful. Also noticeably missing? Luke the scorned lover, because apparently he’s crushing it post-Rayna…and it all started with that fire flames song at his wedding concert.

While Luke is undoubtedly playing show after show and hate-banging groupies, Deacon is dealing with his liver cancer, which has consumed his life. He reveals the bad news to his AA group and promptly tells them that he doesn’t want any of their booze soaked organs so keep those on lock down. Deacon’s liver may be aggressively depleting, but the man’s sense of humor is still all there. The big drama starts when Mommy Dearest Beverly returns to Nashville to make Scarlett cower under a piano again. Just kidding, Scarlett tricked her into coming back and making amends when really she just wants to get her hands on a new liver for Deacon. Deacon finds out that Scarlett sneaky invited his sister and he has a seizure. Calm down, Deacon, no reason to get all bent out of shape, gawd. It’s a real rollercoaster of emotions when Bev says “NO LIVER FOR YOU, DEACON!” and then decides to take the test after Scarlett begs her to be a decent human being. And now’s the point in time when I must interrupt this melodrama to announce that SMOKESHOW DOC IS BACK. Yaassss. Fresh eye candy. He talks about what the surgery entails and how long the recovery period is as I drool at my TV.

Anyway, back to the ADORABLY BARFWORTHY happy family reunion scene when Bev, Deacon and Scarlett harmonize around the kitchen sink. Everyone is smiling and crooning when there is an abrupt ending to the campfire singing. Coming from left field, Bev isn’t a blood type match. WOW. You mean to tell me Deacon put ALL of his HOPE on ONE person and she’s NOT a match? Could she be lying about her results though? Is that something that Bev would do, cause she seemed so pure of heart…Oh wait she was lying and was about to sneak outta town right quick too. Bevdawgz gets caught in the act and pulls the “you did this to yourself” classic line with Deacon. She leaves and confirms she’s still an awful person. Little downward spiral when Scarlett sobs about Deacon probz dying in the dark and Deacon admits he’s terrified. C’mon guys, TV shows don’t kill off main characters unless they’re looking to commit show suicide (I’m looking at you The OC). There is NO NEED to be worried at all. (As I google spoiler alerts to confirm that Deacon lives…)

We should be worried about Rayna’s career though because girl has been hibernating from the press and it’s gotten to the point where she was offered a residency in Vegas. I am appalled. This is Rayna JAMES. She ain’t no Mariah Carey! She’ll retire to Vegas, NEVER. She decides instead to have an impromptu show at the Bluebird. Except oopsie, while rehearsing she sees a picture of her and Deacon on the wall and spirals into Deana (Raycon? Dayna? We’ll work on that..) flashbacks to a couple months ago, which is probably for the best because any time they’ve flashed back any farther Rayna’s hair has been all sorts of ugly. In these flashbacks she has perfect waves and a side braid that’s on point, oh and also Deacon almost kills her in that drunk driving incident. Blip on the radar, really. Suddenly she can’t perform because she remembered that.

Luckily for Rayna, while she’s going through all this emotional trauma she can really rely on her daughter to be a rock and pull her through. I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Maddie amps up her insufferable teen vibes this week and it’s SUFFOCATING. It seems as though Jeff Fordham’s “after school music program” is actually just his way of covering up child labor laws because he has Maddie & Daphne in a recording studio laying down tracks. Teddy walks in and is like yes, my two daughters in a studio with a label exec looks very typical for an educational group, there is certainly nothing suspicious about this. Obviously it turns sketchy real fast when Jeff proposes a record deal for Maddie, kicking little Daphne to the CURB. That’s cold, Jeff. Teddy’s rational for a second and says no to a record deal for his fifteen year old daughter. It certainly doesn’t help Maddie’s case that she immediately shouts about how she’s so old and mature and would like to move out of the house, start smoking and bang randoms.Or she just wants to become a country star, same difference, really. Maddie continues her Tour de Torment when she bugs the shit out of her mom trying to get the juicy deets about Deacon. Rayna and Maddie sob togets about how Deacon’s not talking to them.. which makes them look like a couple of real selfish assholes. Maybe take your private car that’s probably always on call over to Deacon’s house and check things out? Just a suggestion.

Equally as selfish but even more annoying is Micah, the overdramatic kid who has taken to ignoring Gunnar’s phone calls and pretending he’s not home. Too bad his grams narc’ed on him, leading Gunnar to drop in for a surprise visit. Wittle baby Micah has a wittle baby meltdown because his dad was a bad guy AND SO IS HE. Micah shouts this as he runs away as fast as those little chicken legs will take him.To reward Micah for being such a well-behaved and idyllic child, Gunnar gifts Micah with a brand new iPhone. Uncle Gunz also pulls the classic giving of the gift and THEN asking if the grandparents are ok with it after the kid already has his dirty paws all over it– putting them in the position where they can’t say no unless they want Micah to cry and run away again. Moral of the story, I expect many future Facetimes between Gunnar and the little shit with the top of the line cell phone. (Side note: Mom and Dad-I still have the 4S so if you’d like to surprise me with the newest model for throwing a tantrum I wouldn’t hate it.)

In lame story line land, Glen visits Juliette bearing candy and news that no one wants to pay her to sing or act but is she maybe interested in doing the noon show at Seaworld? She spends the rest of the episode reminding us once again that she’s having a baby as if we can’t SEE that buildings tremble when she walks by. Also apparently she has many months to go before baby…does this mean she’ll get bigger?! Have I mentioned that I never want to be pregnant?

Finally, we get the Bluebird concert we’ve all been waiting for. Rayna has gotten over her case of the flashbacks and invites Maddie and Daphne onstage to sing. She tells us so poetically that it brings a tear to my eye, “This song is called real life, cause that’s what we’re livin.” You mean to say that you’re not living fake life? Mind. Blown. It’s a sad song of course, because real life often is sad when the man you’ve loved your whole life but also avoided has liver cancer that you don’t know about. It’s the Bluebird comeback that we’ve been waiting for but I’m not so sure it’s the Bluebird concert that we deserve.

What we don’t deserve is the disbanding of the Maddie & Daphne dream team of harmonies. Teddy gets that and so he tells Jeff Fordham to kick rocks with that record deal. Fordham strong arms him like he’s some sort of southern Mafioso and not the sleazy record exec that porks girls half his age and gives them pills as a parting gift. And wouldn’t you know that the fast and loose lifestyle of Bachelor Teddy comes back to haunt present day Teddy. Don Fordham is swift to pull the “using the taxpayers money for sex” card aaaand Teddy’s pretty much screwed. Literally and figuratively. Hope Rayna understands that the price of their daughter is a few penetration sessions with a whore! Where do I sign?

A Few of My Favorite Things:

-“Touch my caramels and I’mma cut a bitch.” Is this something women are only allowed to say while pregs? Cause I’m pretty sure I’ve uttered that about my chocolate before…

-Tand(y)/(ie) and her fake buzzcut disappeared into Tandyland.

-There are about 4 gratuitous Taylor Swift shoutouts in this episode and I eat that shit right up. I don’t love Maddie comparing herself to Tay though. Nice try, little girl.

-“Rayna is a fading ball of gas to the comet that Maddie could become.” Epic sci-fi burn by the Fordster.

-Jeff Fordham losing his SHIT on his assistant this episode was kind of hot right? Like hurling shit and calling her an idiot all because he needs to find a new young pop star to bone? No, just me? Whatever.

-While Maddie is wah-wahing about how Deacon is ignoring her, Daphne zings her with “Maybe he has a life.” YEAH, take a hint for once, Maddie.

Television

The Mindy Project: A Farewell to Peter Prentice

Welp, it happened. Last week’s The Mindy Project bid farewell to Peter Prentice and my favorite BRO-B-GYN is gone forever. Since I know Mindy fans are already missing his absence–mostly his on point abbrevs:

His ability to turn using a g-string as a tissue into a sentimental moment:

And his knack for making a disgusting sexual innuendo in reference to a tub birth:

I’ve pulled together my favorite Peter moments from the show, so crack open a Natty Ice to enjoy the evolution of Fratty Peter.

“Bro Club for Dudes” (2.6)

This is one of our first episodes with Peter as a main character and it starts off with an epic nerf-war, where he takes Mindy as a hostage. It’s a great pre-Mindy&Peter BFFs moment because Peter is literally a child. What starts out as a friendly game of Nerf turns into a real crisis that Peter takes FAR too seriously.

“You’ve Got Sext” (2.8)

Mindy leaves her phone at work and Cliff sends her a flirty text. Obviously Peter and Morgan then take it upon themselves to sext as Mindy and then do everything they can to keep Cliff from finding out it was them, including throwing a party at Mindy’s apt. without her there. This is when we first learn that Peter is a ride or die for Mindy and also really into winky face emojis.

Best Quote: “You know that happened to me for real? Green Key Weekend, Junior year, I aspirated on my own vomit. Chris Farley appeared to me and said “It’s not your time yet.”

“Wedding Crushers” (2.10)

Mindy gets invited to Josh’s wedding and can’t snag a date so she settles for Peter and little does she know he’s Mr. Wedding. Peter looks like a smokeshow in this episode in a tailored suit. He crushes the dance floor and everything goes swell until he’s caught porking the recovering sex addict bride. His excuse was that she threw herself at him and he couldn’t say no, cause it’s her day. Have you seen those fly moves though? Everything is forgiven.

Best Quote: “I can’t spend another Saturday night stalking ex-girlfriends on the internet hoping to find a breast feeding pic. I need to meet someone.”

“French Me, You Idiot” (2.15)

Peter and Brendan DesLaurier go to the Ballet academy to compete for new patients and end up having to sit through a full performance. Peter admits the one thing he can’t stay awake for is ballet and ruins everything when he has a meltdown because the lead dancer takes 45 minutes to get to her love onstage. Pete echoes the world’s sentiments when it comes to ballet and I’ve never been more proud.

“Indian BBW” (2.16)

Pervy Peter comes through in the clutch when he stumbles upon Mindy in a porno during his normal daily browsing. He’s never met a real pornstar up close and personal and is geeking out over being in the presence of Mindy and Tom. He recovers and takes her to Sploderzz to get the video taken down and ends up bro-ing out with the owners who are of course, Dartmouth alums (Fellow D-Bags.) Even though Mindy’s porn wasn’t his favorite because the lighting was bad and there was a female director, he succeeds in getting Sploderzz to pull it off the website. He also finds out about the Mindy/Danny saga and convinces Danny that it’s BECAUSE Mindy really cares about him that she won’t dress up in a girl scout uniform and bang him on camera. Bonus points for Peter doing a Big Bang Theory Sheldon impression in attempts to cheer Mindy up.

Best Quote: “I’ve done way worse things to the practice. Last week I called in a bomb threat cause I was too hungover to come in.”

“Be Cool” (2.17)

Although most of us remember this episode as the heartbreaking and abrupt conclusion to Danny and Mindy Part 1, the airplane kiss, it should never be overlooked that Peter came to the rescue for Mindy at the party in attempts to keep Danny and Mindy together. What other guy friend would let you feed him bad grapes and tell you to sit on his lap (only to break the chair) just to make someone jealous at a party? Plus any time Peter tells Mindy to be sexy and she completely turns him off is pure entertainment (see: Think Like a Peter).

Best Quote: “If I saw my girlfriend go into a bathroom with Andy Cohen I would freak out. We gotta slut you up a bit.”

“Girl Crush” (2.18)

The men of the Schulman & Associates try to do some free advertising and get a better name for themselves so they get a mobile bus and go to the poorer sections of NYC to give free breast examinations. Peter+Spanish+Boob-Touching on a Bus=Gold.

“Think Like A Peter” (2.19)

Mindy decides she needs to act like Peter for a night and have a one-night stand. He takes her out on the town and is her wingman and it’s everything I could’ve hoped and dreamed for. Mostly because he’s so ruthless in pounding the ladies that he dresses the part of a navy officer because Fleet Week.

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Best Quote: “You need to start being selfish. Have you learned nothing from Wolf of Wall Street?”

“I Slipped” (3.4)

Danny tries to sneak on through Mindy’s back door one night without even ringing the doorbell first. Mindy panics and goes to resident sex freak Peter for advice. Peter breaks it down for her with the best analogy ever (see clip below) and forces her to attend sex school with a skeleton, which I think was educational for all.

Best Quote: “I almost broke up with the girl of my dreams because my waterbed made her seasick.”

“The Devil Wears Lands’ End” (3.5)

FRAT PETER IS BACK. It’s the annual Dartmouth Beer Pong tournament and his bro Pube dropped out last minute so Peter must turn Jeremy into a believable frat bro to compete with him, against Shonda Rhimes. Did I say this was going to be an evolution of Peter? Well guess what it’s not. Because Frat Peter will always have a nice warm place in my heart. Yeah, yeah, I know that he eventually cleans his life up, moves into a nice apt gets a dog named Nicole and some curtains to hide his daily “relaxation”, but Frat Peter’s legacy will live on forever because he kicked Shonda Rhimes’ ass at Beer Pong.

Goodbye you beer-loving manchild. May Texas treat you well and may I advise you not to try out your British accent there.

RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Sister Act

I missed the first fifteen minutes of last night’s episode and although I can never come to terms with missing a bitch fight at a tops and bottoms party, I can also assume that what I missed didn’t amount to much. We saw the meat of this fight last week and I’m guessing what continued this week was more hysterics, more booze and more of Kyle’s chicken wings soaring through the air as she over-animatedly points and jabs at Kim as Brandi grabs “her gay” and slinks away into the cool Hollywood air.

Brandi is fully on the defense this episode as she tries to rationalize to all her haters why she is such a twat. She doesn’t really present a good argument when she declares that she pushes the envelope because her mother always taught her that if everyone is talking about her she’s okay but it’s when everyone stops talking about her that it’s bad news bears. Brandi will never apologize to Kyle. She would also like the same publicist as Chelsea Handler because it bothers her that Chels can say whatever she wants and get away with it whereas Brandi gets drunk, tells someone their husband doesn’t want them and suddenly everyone’s on her case.

Yo invites Brandi over to do yoga with a beautiful muscly bald man. Yo is trying to trick Brandi into being a calmer human being who doesn’t threaten to knock someone’s teeth out at a party. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the downward dog doesn’t cure her because as they chat afterwards, Yo tries telling Brandi that everyone’s talking about her being a raging alcoholic and Brandi gets preeettyyy sassy. Her rebuttal is to point out that “people” say Bella is an alcoholic, but she’s not soooo s’all good. Everyone in America knows to never take a jab at Yolanda’s children and she gets amped up about this personal attack from Brandi. I dig that Yolanda stands up for herself and tells Brandi to cut the shit because she’s the only one trying to defend her and help her out of this big lake of wine that Brandi has drowned herself in. Brandi swears she wasn’t attacking Yolanda and says, “Everything I do is for my children.” Hey B, just to clarify, when you sloshed a glass of wine in Eileen’s face was that for your children? You can get back to me on that one.

In attempts to make Eileen a more crucial part of the show, the girls get together to attend the Burbank Film Festival at a shopping mall amongst commoners to support Eileen’s new film. On the way over there’s ample time to talk shit about Brandi and Kim who were selectively not invited. Rinna keeps calling them both addicts and completely expects Brandi to come after her. She knows she’s dug herself a grave with all these aggress finger-pointing comments and she’s already picked out a Louie body bag. I love the fact that Rinna is self-aware in her shit-talking. She also figures out that Brandi loves attention good or bad and hmm that makes me think of Brandi’s motto to live by she just revealed about five minutes ago. COULD IT BE?! Did we figure out the secret to Brandi’s success? AND ALSO ALL OF HOLLYWOOD?

Once they get to the theater, Kyle pretends to be joking about how most people go to Cannes and they’re at the Burbank Film Festival. She’s saying it in a funny voice like she thinks it’s hilar but we know sweet, self-absorbed, Kyle and her eyes are saying that she can’t even with this D List festival and she’s about to text Paris Hilton and beg for a plus one to her next celebrity event. Kyle doesn’t slum it. The girls hit up the concession stand for soda, hot dogs and popcorn that we all know they’re just pretending to eat on camera to make them look like cool girls who don’t care about what they eat (Also the same reason Kyle has Fatburger at her INFAMOUS white party every year.) While they’re attacking wieners and making sexual jokes, Eileen is working the 1 camera, 6 inch red carpet being interviewed by a man who doesn’t evne know what soap she stars in. Poor, poor Eileen is made to look like a real trash monster at this festival and I’m guessing this is how we keep the housewives grounded. The ladies move into the theater and lay napkins down on the red polyester seats to create a safe nest to rest their designer gowns upon. The movie starts and it’s a space flick called Stranger on a Pentagon. The mere 1 minute that we see is God awful and I can only imagine what it would’ve been like to sit through it full-length. The girls are shocked to see something so terrible and at a SHOPPING MALL nonetheless, not even the privacy of their home theater. They tell Eileen that she did a good job in a tone that really says that movie was garbage and you should have paid me for coming here today.

After the movie premiere from hell, Lisa is licking Gigi when Max walks in smelling of booze. She gets real judgey with him about going out on the town and he calls Lisa out for partying when he was a small child. She doesn’t really deny it. He has his genealogy results in one of the most drawn out subplots of Housewives ever. Spoiler alert: he’s Scandinavian and Irish. They show some pictures of Lisa pre-plastic surgery holding a baby Max and it’s the most shocking thing to ever happen on this show. Human moments from Lisa Vanderpump with a younger face. They have a moment when Max tells Lisa that she’ll always be his mom and she says good, now fetch me a cup of tea.

Eileen tries to bring Kim and Kyle together because her sister just died, and she lost another one of her sisters 4 years ago. She wants to teach these two vapid former child actors that life is short while she acts as the therapeutic mediator in a public place. As we’ve learned, public places are always great for these sorts of things. It starts out tame with I love you’s from both sides. Suddenly, the background music heightens and so does the shouting. Kyle doesn’t appreciate being made to look like a shitty sister and also being told her husband hates her. Kim doesn’t appreciate how Kyle has neglected her addiction and continues her love affair with Brandi, the BFF. Eileen immediately regrets everything. And to be clear, for someone who had a poker party that ended in a brawl in her driveway, I’m a little perturbed as to why Eileen thought this would go smoothly. Kim wants Eileen to butt out, because she’s basically wearing horn-rimmed glasses and taking notes at this point. Just because you’ve played a therapist in outer space (probably), doesn’t mean you are one, GURL.

The episode closes on the meeting of two leopards, Brandi and Rinna. Even though they look like a couple of matching idiots auditioning for The Jersey Shore, it’s completely glossed over and Rinna says real talk: why are you such a bitch, Brandi? Brandi tells Rinna that she has a temper blah blah blah and that she’s Kim’s only BFF and it’s a lot of pressure for her to handle. Brandi legit can’t even with being Kim’s only friend. Since she’s also known for being a blabbermouth she basically spills the beans that Kim’s probz no longer sober but she can’t really prove it. Apparently if Brandi called Kim out she would die. So we’re definitely not being dramats about this. Rinna takes the reins and admits, “You all need an intervention.” And I go to bed tonight praying that Rinna stages a full-on Housewives intervention.

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Yearly Archives: 2015