Last week was a real lull–even though they were reaching for the drama with Bev’s return it just wasn’t doing it for me. This week, however, sassy Rayna makes a comeback and it’s easily my favorite kind of Rayna. No more of this mopey mopey I’m famous as shit but my love life is a hot mess and I don’t know how to control my own children Rayna. This week, the bitch is back and she’s taking down slimeball Jeff Fordham. But let’s get the sobsies out of the way first.
In case you didn’t know…Deacon has liver cancer and it seems as though within a week’s time he has already turned into a walking corpse. That was real aggress, ABC. The hot doc won’t tell Deacon how much time he has so Deacon’s like FINE and storms out to go use The Google and see for himself. Tsk, tsk, Deacon didn’t anyone ever teach you not to EVER trust the internet as a medical source? Seriously, the amount of times I’ve used the symptom checker on WebMD to find out that my knee hurting was a brain tumor was enough for my mom to permanently block the website. Anyway, while surfing on the line he finds out that he has like one minute to live. He gets sad but then Maddie Face Times him and Scarlett forces him to stop being a baby bitch and talk to his daughter. Maddie doesn’t even seem to notice that Deacon looks like the Ghost of Nashville past, which seems like a real red flag to me, but she sets up a time to kick it with him and he hangs up and ugly cries. After he’s finished crying he draws up a will. Hey grim reaper, could you T it down a little? What did I tell you about writers killing off main characters? YOU’RE SAFE! Scarlett, chipper as can be, tries to tell Deacon that he’s not going to die so cut it out and he’s like yeah I’m already dead and I’m talking to you from beyond the grave. They both cry togets and it’s like I’m watching an episode of the Addams family with this shit.
Right as I’m about to take a razor to my wrists, Maddie comes over for her guitar lesson. Deacon still looks like he belongs in a body bag and he tells Maddie that maybe she should think about getting a new guitar teacher because dead people can’t teach guitar. Maddie, always subtle about her feelings, shouts I WILL NOT. YOU’RE FREAKIN DEACON CLAYBOURNE, AND YOU’RE MY DAD. Then she throws a tantrum over learning a chord progression on the guitar and Deacon’s talks her down from the musical suicide ledge and she sings it out and suddenly Deacon believes he’s going to live and he’s SO done with being a Debbie Downer. Thank God.
In further desperate attempts to give Scarlett a relevance to this show ever since she quit the biz, she goes OFF on hot doc for not giving her and Deacon the answers they need. He flirtatiously talks about lattes with her then calls her a happy bully and tells her to stop suffocating Deacon with the fuzzy you’re gonna live forever wuzzies. They flirt some more and I’d like to take this time to quote myself from February 5th when we first met Dr. Sexy and I predicted that they would hook him up with someone. Ding ding dingggg that didn’t take long. Hey Scar, I know your uncle’s dying but maybe wait until after the all clear to hook up with his doc.
Scarlett might not be hooking up just yet, but her ex boyf and his buddies are quick to pick up the slack on casual sex this week. Gunnar’s real messed up about having a fake son for a few weeks and then losing custody, Luke returns from boozy touring with his broken heart, and Will is still REAL closeted so BOYS NIGHT OUT! They troll the clubs of Nashville like they’re on the Jersey Shore and hope on some real grenades. Gunnar pulls the public make out with a club rat, Luke takes one home and Will strong arms a chick who tries to make out with him. The morning after the boys recap the night hung over, like girls do after wine night and Will is like OK it’s confession time, I’m not really into banging random girls anymore. And Luke’s like I get it, I’m also
gay sensitive. Will’s closet is still padlocked shut. Gunnar and Luke have a jam sesh and I stand by the fact that post-Rayna Luke is all sorts of awesome. He sings a ballad that’s obviously about her but the song is amAHzing. Luke and Gunnar are sad togets cause they both have broken hearts. New and improved Luke tells Gunnar to write a song about it like he did when he suddenly starting making good music. He says, “Your first love sleeps with your brother, Gunnar it doesn’t get any more country than that.” So much wisdom.
Alright, the moment we’ve been waiting for, Rayna’s about to take us all to CHURCH. Obviously after Teddy sly dog signed his fifteen year old daughter up for an ole record deal, we knew shit was gonna hit the fan. I didn’t predict how much of a baby bitch Teddy would be about it though and it gave me pure joy to watch. Jeff sends Rayna a diamond necklace for Maddie, welcoming her to Edgehill. (Genuine question-do we think that’s the first time Jeff’s ever purchased jewelry for a woman? His first diamond buy is for a fifteen year old, niiiiice Jeffy.) Rayna marches on over to Jeff’s office and is like ohhhh helll nawwww, GUITAR RIFF.
The Rayna of Terror (get it?) continues in Teddy’s office when she’s like hey asshole you signed our daughter to a record label? And Teddy’s like I’ve been meaning to tell you about that, NBD but KBD. They fight about whose the better parent (real talk: they both kinda suck) and Rayna hits up the legal team next. She comes back at Teddy guns blazin with the threat to strip him of his parental rights because he’s not even Maddie’s biological father. LAWYERED. Teddy folds like a house of cards and blubbers out his whole trashy sordid tale of prostitutes drugs and sleazy best friends. Ray looks at him with disgust like he’s sitting in his own steaming pile of shit when he offers to help and says you’ve done enough. I’ll clean up your sticky mess because you couldn’t keep it in your pants around a prosty.
With that, Rayna pins her hair up in a real ambiguous top bun that is the only thing I don’t love about her this episode, and storms into Fordham’s board meeting with the record company chairman. Jeff is lapping up the chairman’s interest in Maddie’s music and promises that she will absolutely be their cash cow and Rayna proceeds to blow Jeff’s shit WIDE open. As innocent as can be she’s like I’m sure you’d be interested to know that Jeff Fordham abuses his female clients, check the footage of his pool on December 12th, tralala. And Mr. Chairman says the contract never existed as far as he’s concerned. Rayna shines her nails, flips her hair and PEACES. When Teddy comes to see her later she tells him I’ll be taking our daughters back for now, maybe you should go to sex therapy and also get the F out of my office. And BAM. That’s how it’s done. Take notes, cause Rayna just verbally knocked Teddy down and then dug her cowboy boot heel into his dick while simultaneously ousting Fordham from his greasy throne. All in a day’s work. BOOYAH.
Since I had to watch these I guess I will also make you read about them–the lame story lines from this week…
-FE FI FO FUM, Juliette continues to be the most insufferable and massive pregnant woman on this earth. She’s on bed rest because she can’t locate her feet and a remote gets lost in the wide abyss of her hands. She also calls Avery 100 times while he’s at the studio to tell him everything she’s eaten that day.
-I’m over Sadie Stone. I think she’s a Melvin and her story line is played out. There I said it. Her husband comes back and serves her with papers and then threatens to follow her wherever she goes until she gives him money. She cries about it a lot and is afraid then tells Avery all about her woes and he tries to defend her by yelling at Pete. When Pete starts to lunge at Avery, Sadie suddenly finds her girl power and is like GET OUTTA HERE YOU TURD. Then FEMINISM she’s SO ready to sing now. And her song suuuuucks. I expected to hear a sassy chick anthem and instead we get ANOTHER weepy song from her. Enough. Step it up or get outta here. I need another “Wrong Song” and I needed it last season.
-Layla is still kicking around unfortunately…she passed her psych eval, ugh. On the up side, she’s thinking about leaving and I can only hope she suffers the same swift cowboy boot to the ass that Zoey did. Jeff gives her false hope when he asks her to perform for the label chairman and then stiffs her because Rayna comes in and throws down. He shows up to her house to be like let me explain, I got fired and I would like a sympathy bang pls.