RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- “Surprise!”

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The Extreme Fighting: Housewives edition has come to a screeching halt and I’m having severe withdrawals. Ya gotta let us down easy, Andy. This week’s episode went back to the boring ho hum of everyone getting along at social events and pairing off for peaceful hangouts. Yawn.

Yo still doesn’t know how to Face Time and also has Brandi over for more yoga with sexy yoga instructor Keith, who coincidentally also has the personality of a rock. Yolanda made Brandi do the 21 day cleanse with her because everyone was sick of her turning into Jenny from the Block every time she had a few cocktails. Yoli is so proud of her little girl for staying drink free that she announces it to Yoga Keith, who basically says who cares let’s get back to the silent workout I’m being paid for.

Everyone talks about the Kim & Kyle sitch except for Kim & Kyle, which is always really healthy. Lisa sits down with Kyle to hash it out as she sits atop her throne and twirls her reading specs. No but actually Lisa gives some really good advice when she tells Kyle to maybe not react so much when Brandi attacks her and try to understand that Kim’s treating her like a pile of dog shit because they’re sisters and she knows that relationship will always be there no matter what. Eileen on the other hand got herself directly involved when she tried to play family counselor at a high-end restaurant, which naturally progressed into an F-bomb fest. Eileen lunches with her hubs Vincent and talks about how maybe that wasn’t her best idea. Vin thinks the girls are making too much of it, proving again that he doesn’t understand how the housewives franchise works. Eileen doesn’t understand why these two nimrods don’t just see a therapist. I too, wonder that, Eileen. Vincent continues to be a bozo when they discuss the “screenplay table read” party that they’re having (ONLY IN BEVERLY HILLS) and Vincent insists they should serve drinks to get everyone loose enough to act. HEY VINCENT, do you not remember peering out of the window in your garage only to see a driveway full of women in stilettos beating each other? Is that still not engraved in your mind’s eye? Maybe Eileen’s right and this should probably be a dry party, as much as I hate to say it because that obviously means SNOOZE fest. Vincent and Eileen also get some scallops complimentary from the chef because they have cameras taping their lunch but they act like it’s because they’re celebrities, which is pretty hilarious.

Kyle & Kim and Rinna & Lisa carpool respectively to the table read, which just gives them an excuse to gossip. Rinna and Lisa talk about how Kim’s fallen off the wagon and there is absolutely NO way that Lisa will ever intervene in that again after sobriety attack #1 under the Eiffel Tower. Rinna’s like what’s the big deal, I could take Kim. Meanwhile Kim and Kyle pretend they’re Gucci now except for the fact that Kim says Brandi is really wretched sometimes but then she owns it so it’s okay and Kyle says maybe Brandi should STFU. Ho hum, just a loving sister chat.

At the party, Eileen is wearing overalls and a see through lace tank. Seriously, first the bucket hat and now the overalls? I’m not kidding about Mary Kate & Ashley circa the late 90’s being this chick’s style muse. Vincent’s bros are there and Kim tells a riveting story about the time she was a child actor and saw Betty Davis without her wig because she HID in her dressing room like a classified creep. This is why we can’t trust children. Whoa, where’d that come from? Just kidding. Sorta. LISA IS AN ACTRESS? WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS HER FACE? Rinna, who reminds us that she’s an actress daily, is side swept to the announcer role of the screenplay, yikes talk about your craft being dumped on. She’s in a room with two child actors who have been out of work since the 80’s and a music video star and she’s the narrator. Dem’s the breaks. It’s probably because she doesn’t even have an EMMY LIKE EILEEN DOES. Kim has a weird puppet role that suits her quite well and everyone slyly makes fun of this stupid poker puppet script in the same way they made fun of Eileen’s dumb space movie they were forced to watch in cheap polyester seats. The party ends with Lisa getting her hands on that Emmy and giving a touching speech about sleeping her way to the top. Also the girls act concerned for Kim and she cries about Monty and says Brandi is her BFF because they BBQ together and it gets her out of her house that smells like death.

The big event that brings the whole gang together, including GASP Kathy Hilton, who isn’t even a twat this episode, is Lisa’s surprise birthday party. Ken pulls it together and gives Brandi a call to invite her and also tell her to be on her best behavior, which of course means she can’t drink or speak, NBD. Lisa is 54, which means Ken is about to be put in a nursing home. Kim, the beloved Kathy Hilton, Brandi and her random guy friend who keeps popping up at inopportune times all ride to Lisa’s party together. Kathy doesn’t want to get in the middle of anything but she says it with a twinkle in her eye and a quick cackle. Obviously by her even riding in with that group she knows Kyle’s gonna go apeshit and she rubs her hands together in anticipation. Kathy also takes a dig at Brandi for not drinking with her at the party, what a firecracker that woman is, I tell ya. JK can we go back to episodes of her talking down to Kim and Kyle now in her I’m more rich and famous than either of you will ever be manner? Ken tries to get Lisa to Pump for her surprise party and she’s being a real bitch about it telling him she can’t be bothered with an extra stop on the way to dinner.

He drags her into the restaurant and her friends shoot up from the bar and I’m pretty sure Lisa shits her pants, which was everything I ever needed to see. Lance Bass is here. I know that because they show him a bunch of times and also add his name as IF we don’t know who he is. So much star power, one gay club. Lisa tries to start unnecessary drama with Brandi but because Brandi’s sober she’s like k whatever, which I think is more shocking than her replying with I’ll punch you square in your teeth holder. Brandi goes to the bathroom and Lisa’s gets on the mic for a toast and is all knock knock (who’s there?) IT’S THAT BITCH BRANDI WHO I HATE. And no one laughs and she has to be like I’m kidddddinnngg dahlingsssss, take a joke. Then she goes over and rips a flower out of Brandi’s head and tells her she must sing a song about how much she loves her cause it’s her birthday after all. I’m getting the vibe that Lisa’s the kind of gal who has a birthday month and anyone who doesn’t attend every event is dead to her. Brandi accepts the hazing and sings that she loves Lisa in a real ear-shattering voice and everyone laughs at her, not with her. Then Lisa gets her hands on that mic and doesn’t let go, crooning some jazz song and forcing others to join her and suck her D via melody. If I was at this party I would’ve bounced the second the singing began because it is ROUGH. It’s like when the drunk girls start to get weepy, time to bizounce. And in the end Lisa gets a massive pink diamond that she previously tried on and Ken takes a lot of heat for having THE NERVE to invite Brandi. No drinks are thrown, no F-bombs screeched, and certainly no bracelets scratching. SURPRISE-This party’s a dud, even Kim thought so as she dodged half-assed interventions all night, obviously just warming up for the big one next week. Here’s hoping that turns into a real doozy or else we’re done for this season now that everyone’s sobering up.

Notable Moments:

-Brandi calling Rinna, Kyle and Lisa sing/slobbering all over each other the “Menopause mamas fighting for the mic.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

-Eileen points out that these women can talk about their vaginas till the cows come home. Pretty accurate and something I’ve become quite immune to.

-Yo is throwing a party next week and she’s making Dream Team tee’s, allowing us to gloriously flashback to the days when she had a long slicked back mane and put hearts on certain place cards. Ah the dream team days ❤ Things were much simpler then.

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