Music, Pop Culture, Television

AMA’s Recap

WHY in the history of music awards shows the top picks for hosts are LL Cool J and Pitbull is easily the greatest mystery of the world. It’s no secret that my hate for Pitbull/Mr. Worldwide/ Mr. 305 is to the moon and back so I’m going to try my best to ignore his antics and focus on the other parts of the show. (Key word here is try…I make no promises).

The opening performance of the night is our very own Ms. Taylor Swift performing Blank Space for the first time live. You all probably think I’m going to bow down to whatever she does but I’m mature enough to admit that this performance was all sorts of wrong. It was essentially a live action version of the music video and it was way too much. The sound sucked and Taylor felt the need to out-crazy the video version of herself and it was just plain scary. There were special fx flames left and right and guys being poisoned by apples and I didn’t know where to look. Her over-acted expressive crazy eyes were all over the place and it was pretty terrifying. She ended the performance with a smirk and a new man coming through a prop door with roses. Way to stick the landing but certainly not her best performance.

Remember how I said that I wasn’t going to focus on Mr. 305? I lied. Sue me. Dale. Pitbull took his hosting time to remind us all that he is in fact Cuban/Latino and essentially turned the awards into a bilingual broadcast. He declared that when he speaks Spanish the ratings go up, which is interesting because nothing made me want to turn off my TV more. After every commercial break we were promptly reminded that he speak Spanish, he also educated us all on what an Instagram filter is. It’s a good thing he was around because the Awards clearly could not have functioned without him. We were also blessed with a performance from him and this included his latest song Fireball which has singlehandedly ruined my favorite drink. Thanks for nothing, Pitbull.

Best Moments:

-One Direction won a bunch of awards and group hugged every time and we all got to hear them say “massive, massive thank you” in their cutesicle accents. Their performance took place in a grassy field and there was lots of tingly eye contact with the camera.

-Ariana Grande performed a stripped down medley like a classy cabaret singer in a black lace dress.

-Selena Gomez performs “The Heart Wants What It Wants” for the first time and gives us all the feels. She looked amazing in a long champagne colored gown with her hair down in waves, the backdrop was super moody and got a little distracting at times (chunky crying mascara eyes). Her pre-song blabbering was part of the performance unfortunately, but there was a part where some realistic wings came into play and I actually thought she might fly off the stage. Was really banking on a buildup to a sob sesh at the end but her grand finale was just some wet eyes. BOOOOOO. Don’t worry though because Taylor supplied them in full. Girl was a one woman broadway act last night. I usually cherish her audience cam moments for some awkward dancing but tonight was over the top.

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-Speaking of Taylor stealing the show, she was awarded the first ever Dick Clark Award of Excellence, presented by Diana Ross who needed to be reminded that women don’t cover their face in blush anymore. We get to see a highlight reel of Tay’s general awesomeness and then she gets up to accept the award and kisses everyone in her posse (noticeably absent: Lena Dunham). Tay slobbers all over Diana Ross and how great she is and then talks directly to me when she thanks her fans for buying CD’s still. You’re welcome, T.

-The “Bang Bang” performance was pretty great and it’s a summer song that I can still get down with. Jessie J started out the song in the audience bopping around from celeb to celeb. She started with Khloe Kardashian who booty bumped her right on over to Tay’s crew, because of course. Jessie J learned quickly not to get down with Taylor Swift unless you want the spotlight ripped from your hands. Lorde tries to get in on it as well but we all shield our eyes. Then Ariana Grande takes it away onstage with a chair dance and a typical inapprops outfit & of course Nicki Minaj comes back out to play and is in her normal skanky uniform again. Joke’s over. They move back out to the audience to writhe around and it becomes clear that Nicki is above mingling with others.

 

Worst Moments:

-Charli XCX’s performance of “Boom Clap” which was straight out of every 90’s prom scene in the movies and quickly turned into her stripping into a latex outfit with a studded choker dancing around with some goth freaks and touching her boobs.

-Magic performs Rude, except it’s no longer summer and the song has lost it’s catchy appeal. Wyclef Jean joins them onstage and it is pretty much a stoner jam sesh. They take it to the audience and serenade a random girl who clearly doesn’t know what to do.

-Nicki Minaj performs a slower song wearing a floor length, long sleeve white gown trying to trick us all into thinking she’s an angel and not the disgusting hoe that showed us all her butthole during her Anaconda performance a mere few months ago at the VMA’s.

-Josh Duhamel introduces Fergie to perform “LA Love” and I’m reminded again how a perfect specimen like Josh married Fergalicious…and then made a kid with her. This song is offensively bad. I expected Harajuku girls to appear in the performance. It was so loud with so many colors and made my eyes hurt. At the end, Fergie strips a layer off and it gets stuck to her butt.

-JLo & Iggy’s “Booty” being the final performance of the night. Enough with the butts. So over it.

 

Things that made me question everything:

-Boy band Five Seconds of Summer performs a cover of What I Like About You. Is this even legal? Can a band perform a cover at an awards show like it’s karaoke night?

-During Iggy Azalea’s performance she was wearing a leotard, reenacting an 80’s exercise video and patted her vag far too many times for comfort.

-Lorde gives us a typical weirdo freak performance of her staring at the camera with dead witchy eyes and having an exorcism onstage and I was afraid. Taylor gets a lot of screen time dancing to her scary goth friend’s performance. She ends the song by smearing her black lipstick all over her face and Tay does her surprised face. I also had a surprised face at the fact that these two are friends.

-Lil Wayne has a quick performance with Christina Millian in red lingerie. Remember when she was irrelevant and the social media girl for The Voice? Christina provides some backup vocals and grinds all over Lil Wayne. Thanks for coming.

-Luke Bryan is there to present and not gyrate onstage. WHO SANCTIONED THIS? He also won an award and had lipstick on because he made out with his hot wife and stuck a dagger in my heart.

-Katy Perry wins an award and a Katy Perry robot, much like a hologram, accepts on her behalf via recording. If the robot ran out of battery and died mid-thank you I think it would’ve been less awkward than what actually happened.

-McDreamy being the first person to present an award. Was he lost? I’m confused.

-Iggy Azalea accepts an award wearing a frumpy business suit that I would expect a middle aged woman to wear with a pair of white sensible walking sneaks on the way to her cubicle for the day. She also had a huge crimped ponytail to sweeten the outfit.

-Garth Brooks with a satellite performance? Could this be more out of place?

-Every commercial break, Kohl’s had an extensive ad featuring children scream-singing Let It Go and I wished harmful things upon everyone involved in the making of this commercial and also Frozen.

-It is mind bottling that everyone is OBSESSED over scrutinizing the Harry Styles/Taylor Swift relationship or hatefest and yet there wasn’t ONE camera glance of either of their reactions to the other winning or performing. Do the producers of the AMA’s know what makes good TV? The answer is a hard no…because they chose Pitbull to host 2 years in a row.

 

Final thoughts- If you follow me on twitter (and you should) you know that for the past year or so I’ve been live tweeting every awards show regardless of how awesomely bad it is…exhibit A. This started about a year ago when my friend and I decided that our opinions were hilarious and important and vital to every awards show. Apparently our tradition has gotten a little out of hand because here is last night’s commentary from each of us without us being remotely anywhere near each other. We’ve morphed into one twitter awards show monster and you all should be frightened.

twitterfeed (click to enlarge)

Follow @LindseyReilly for all of your award show needs and all other things hilarious, cause she’s awesome. We will be tag teaming all awards season this year so please mentally prepare yourselves for those judgements to come.

Performances (that I could find):

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Country, Music, Television

CMA’s Recap

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Awards season dry spell is over, betches. If you’re a country fan and you fully committed to the 3 hour show (I’m going to assume not many of you) you can relive the highs and lows of last night right meow. If you missed the awards, you can skim through this and have something to discuss over your cubicle wall today. (Or if you’re me, cubicle window. Yeah guys, I get a cube window. BE JELLY.)

The opening performances went from blah to better. Kenny Chesney was first with a performance straight out of 1968. I’m shocked a hologram of Jimi Hendrix didn’t appear next to him to further the gimmick. It would’ve been nice if I had gotten the memo to drop acid before he took the stage, kinda rude don’t you think, ABC? I couldn’t even tell you what song Kenny played because I was just too distracted. The country hats and cowboy boots amidst the tie dye and school bus were a liiiiiitttle out of place. No worries though, quick rebound by transferring to Miranda Lambert and Megan Trainor doing a country version of All About That Bass. Great duet but the main takeaway here was that Miranda came in HOT trying to give Carrie a run for her money in the leg game. She challenged Carrie to defend the title. AND OF COURSE Carrie did. The great Leg-off of 2014 (see below). Okay I promise you that even though I sat through every single minute of this mostly snoozefest of a show, I will not give you a minute by minute recap. Here’s the breakdown–

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Best Moments:

-Carrie’s outfit changes. Edge of my seat waiting to see what was next.

-The elephant in the room. Carrie & Brad address T. Swift in their opening monologue stating that Nashville is suffering from “Postpartum Taylor Swift Disorder”. Laughs are had at the expense of Nashville being thirsty Swifties. Our girl T may not have been country for a few years but it warmed my icy heart to see that no matter what country music has her back.

-Steven Tyler is the first presenter & has a jam sesh with Carrie and Brad to “Crying”. It was staged but still pretty great. Also Steven was wearing shoes and I think we can all appreciate that. (If you want nightmares google image search Steven Tyler’s feet)

-Brett Eldredge wins New Artist of the Year and I listened to his acceptance speech with my eyes glued to the TV and a creepy grin on my face. He 100% deserves it and I’m proud of my future husband for snagging that award.

-Brad spends a few minutes of his hosting duty eating cheeseballs out of a baby carrier. Brought me back to the days of housing a full tub of cheezeballz guilt free. Ahh, college.

-Keith Urban performs “Somewhere in My Car”. He’s the stuff and so is that song.

-Little Big Town performs Day Drinking and then Ariana “Bang Bang” Grande sashays onto the stage and they all sing her song with light up dresses. Judging this against the other performances it was great, because I stayed awake for it, but I would’ve preferred them trying to mix country and pop rather than sing a country song and then a pop song. It was odd.

-Miranda debuts a sassy new bob that kills it and her and Blake proceed to snatch up all the awards with an effortless “it’s almost as if we don’t do this every year” vibe.

-The Doobie Brothers take the stage with Hillary Scott, Jennifer Nettles & Hunter Hayes and play some good ole classic rock. Jennifer Nettles spends the entire performance with her mouth open and literally can’t find her chill. Hunter Hayes was on guitar and was just grateful to be able to play with the big kids.

-Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year and we get to look at his pretty face more. Note: no hip movement whatsoever (see worst moments list)

Worst Moments:

-Is there anything worse than networks throwing two random people together to present an award and then writing compliments for them to read from the teleprompter to each other? It’s awkward and gives everyone the uncomfies. Stop doing it.

-Taylor gets a best and worst spot because she was actually nominated for female vocalist of the year and SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE. Girl, they just declared their support for you and you big-timed them? If we’re being honest I’m probably more bitter about her not showing up because her awkward crowd dancing & dramatic reactions were SORELY missed. NO ONE owns an awards show crowd like Tay.

-Florida Georgia Line wins Vocal Duo of the Year and mullet sneaks that G-D DISGUSTING VEST back in. Hey bro, it is NEVER sexy to wear a vest with no shirt underneath. If you also browsed my fashion recap you’ll see that I put FGL on the best dressed list JUST because they both put actual shirts on. Well GUESS WHAT, you two clowns are officially revoked from my best dressed list. Boom. Roasted.

-Kacey Musgraves and her goofy outfits/hair and her honky tonk barn music.

-Little Big Town winning Vocal Group of the Year and all shouting random things at once as an acceptance speech. Mic etiquette, guys, ever heard of it? Designate ONE speaker.

-Luke Bryan performs a slow song and DOES NOT shake it for me. This should be illegal. Every girl in America was disappointed Luke, just so you know.

Just For Ratings:

-Ebola.

-Renee Zellweger

-Carrie Underwood whispering the gender of her baby to Brad Paisley, setting him up to “let it slip”, and then mentioning it every five minutes. THE PAGEANTRY. THE RATINGS. It’s a BOOYYYY.

-The amount of almost vag slips. Ariana Grande wearing her typical bra and mini skirt, Kacey Musgraves cutting it too close for comfort and Ashley Monroe performing with Blake in a sequin tee, no pants. We don’t need to see it to know it’s there, girlz.

-ABC doing their best to confuse you about which CMA’s are real. The ones you’re literally watching, or the ones they’re teasing every commercial break in the Nashville promo for next week. DOES THIS MEAN RUKE/LAYNA AREN’T REALLY NOMINATED? Please advise.

If you noticed that I didn’t include many performances in my recap it’s because most of them were suuuuuper snoozeworthy. Let’s step it up next time, gang, look alive…give me a reason to stay up past my bedtime. Aaaand that’s all–go forth and spread the country music word, my friends.

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