Author Archives: Thesaltyju

Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Pretty Much A Disaster

kristina

Little Miss I graduated from Johns Hopkins comes back to pull Nick aside and tell him Corinne is a liar who tells lies. Nick was all, I didn’t send you home because Corinne called you a bully, I sent you home because you haven’t once popped your top off. Good work, Taylor. Pls leave. AGAIN.

Chris Harrison walks in to a bunch of disapproving ladies. Jasmine basically tells him to kick rocks and he’s like before I do, know that there’s no cocktail party tonight. SEE YA. HAH. That’s what you get for treating Chris Harrison like an intruder. DON’T STRIKE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU ROSES. In the first dramatic comment of the night, one of the girls feels a “heaviness in her heart.” Oh, F off.

Roses: Rachel, Danielle M, Corinne, Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L, Jasmine, Whitney

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WE CAN ALL REJOICE BECAUSE THE J’s ARE FINALLY GONE! And unfortunately, so is Alexis, the only one with a sense of humor. #Gone2Soon. Unlike Jaimi and Josephine who should’ve been gone within five minutes. ANYWAY, the gang is going to the island of St. Thomas so Nick can show off his collection of man tanks and fresh white Keds. One time I got corn rows in St. Thomas so we’ve all made questionable fashion decisions there. The full head of braids really brought out my watermelon colored braces just like Nick’s tanks really bring out his dino arms.

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First it’s time for Kristina to get scooped up for a heli ride to a beach. Kristina says, “SLKDJFOWEILSKDfjliEkd” and Nick replies, “Oh you have 8 siblings?” This is how it goes for the entire time. I couldn’t tell you one thing she said but apparently Nick is a really good translator. He rewards himself with a little game of grabass in the ocean.

At night, Kristina tells her back story and it’s preeettyyy heavy (from what I understand.) Like eating lipstick as a child to survive and getting kicked to the curb by her mom for eating her favorite shade of red kind of heavy. At 12 years old Kristina was traveling from an orphanage in search of freedom (“color”) in America. At 12 years old, I was screeching at my parents for not letting me buy the 45-dollar “yearbook” graphic tank from Abercrombie that all my friends were wearing on the last day of school. So yeah, same. She gets a rose because what MONSTER would not give a girl a rose after hearing that story.

While Kristina talks about being a starving and homeless refugee, Lorna the island maid is planted to show how much of a nanny-needing asshole Corinne is. OF COURSE a room at the Marriott comes with a personal maid. Eye rolls for days. Stop being so obvious with your scripting, ABC. We’re not invalids.

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Love’s A Beach with Vanessa, Rachel, Corinne, Raven, Danielle M, Jasmine

The girls do ‘squila shots and play yard games with Nick while he walks around like a T-Rex because who can resist a guy whose go to move is acting like a drunk baby dinosaur. They all cry. I would cry too if I was fighting over this:

A few hours later, after they’ve all taken a page out of Corinne’s book and put themselves down for a post-boozy tears nap to CTFD, Nick apologizes for generally being a wiener and making everyone cry. He spends the evening reassuring everyone that he likes them all equally. I’m guessing he’s crossing tequila off the list forever. He was anticipating a big ocean orgy and instead he got a real sob fest.

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And then I had to call the uncomfortable police because things got REAL weird. Jasmine, who realized trying to impress Nick by bulldozing everyone in her path on the volleyball court didn’t work, had a meltdown. It started out with her freaking out about not getting one on one time and took a sharp left into sexual choking territory and I honestly don’t know how we got there. Neither does Nick as she inches her hands toward his neck and tells him she wants to send him to the chokey. The look he gives the cameraman can only be described as a plea for rescue. Also F Jazzy J for ruining a funny Matilda reference that I use from time to time and making it aggressively sexual. The chokey is for asshole kids, not strangling someone while naked. Either way, it’s safe to say Nick was NAHT into it and Jazzy got bounced real quick.

D.Lo vs. WhitDawgz

Whitney is gorgeous obviously but has snuck through the past 5 weeks for literally no reason and it was her time to shine. And by shine we mean, speak her first words to Nick and immediately be sent home so that he could have another one on one with Danielle (or D.Lo as the biddies affectionately call her) without everyone getting pissed that he’s picking favorites. The professional suitcase grabber comes in and everyone is STUNNED. And then ask whose suitcase that even was. What a bunch of morons.

D.Lo and Nick’s date turns out to be a real snooze. One time they danced so, dancing is totally like their thing—and because of it, Danielle is falling in love with Nick. He grabs her hands and she snickers and whispers “my hands”. So I bet hands are also becoming their thing. BUT NOT FOR LONG because Nick stares awkwardly at her then waves the rose in her face as he tells her she can’t have it. The girls see another suitcase go. By process of elimination, they still don’t know whose it is. Nick follows close behind to cry to them about how he had to send so many girls home and he doesn’t know if he can go on. The second most dramatic statement of the night came from Rachel who said, “The fact that he actually came in here has like, rocked my foundation.” Did it also bring a heaviness to your heart, Rachel or is that just when the open bar is cut before a rose ceremony? You can get back to me on that.

And that’s all she choked wrote. I respect the fact that Nick got a little bit of slack on his short-ass leash from producers and started cutting girls left and right because there was a LOT of dead weight this season. What I cannot forgive him for is crying like a lil bitch after he did it. Don’t ever recruit Nick to commit a murder with you. He’ll immediately turn himself in covered in man tears. Next week he proves how real he is by having sex with Corinne’s platinum vageen.

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/30/17

1. We Have All Been Blessed.

In the most Beyonce pregnancy announcement since the time she unveiled a baby bump mid-VMA’s performance, we have learned that two more lil Jay-Z clones will be entering this world. Because of course they’re having twins. I’m going to ignore the whispers about these not being Hova’s kids cause Lemonade and instead focus on the fact that I went off the deep end with this announcement. After being scooped thrice on New Years’ Day, I saw this Instagram post on Wednesday and immediately sounded the alarms to everyone I knew, hoping to break the news. I was 3 for 3 and riding the high of alerting my friends of the news just a mere 12 minutes after she posted it and I didn’t want to come down. I even texted my dad, who could literally care less about Bey and Jay just because I wanted one more W. He didn’t respond. Whatever. Either way, we learned a very valuable lesson: Beyonce is a blue satin ruffled panty wearin Queen. Just kidding, we already knew that. The real lesson is that celebrity gossip makes me foam at the mouth and I won’t apologize for it.

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To top it off and make sure everyone was really talking about her until the end of time, Bey waited a day and released the rest of the photos from her profesh maternity shoot. If we’re being honest the one she posted was the only acceptable one and I would have preferred she kept the others locked up for no one to ever see.

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Click here if you want to see the rest at your own risk.

2. Ed’s Beach Body.

Ed released his second music video in two weeks and even though I hated every minute of this, especially when we were treated to several closeups of a Sumo wrestler’s buhhole, gotta give credit where credit is due. Ed is lookin fierce with his new trim bod.

3. Is Obama…hot?

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Obama just retired from the most important job he’ll ever have and now he’s ready for some bro’in out on Richard Branson’s island. A little beer pong, a little Chainsmokers and apparently a lot of backwards hat time. This is conflicting for me. I’ve gone on record saying guys are 100x hotter with a backwards hat but like, I wasn’t really factoring our President into the mix with that statement. Is he hot? Is he mortifying his college aged daughter with his island vibes? (yes and that’s obvious.) I’ll leave it up to you to decide. Hang Ten, Barack.

4. Sharpay Goes Acoustic.

Who knew that the girl who scream sang “I Want It All” in a sparkle dress could break it down? This stripped version of Toxic with her hipster Steve Howie-lookin hubby was a nice surprise.

5. So Does Zayn.

Undie Slushie.

 

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Television

Puppy Bowl XIII Top Picks

We’re just a few days away from the biggest game in sports every single year, THE PUPPY BOWL! As you all have been eagerly waiting, here are the top picks from this year’s lineup based 100% on their photos and names, paired with made up stories about their personalities because I’m a giant weirdo who entertains herself with writing dog bios.

Wesley

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Check out Wesley giving it to the camera with that over the shoulder pose. What a stud. Ten bucks says he goes home with one of the duck cheerleaders.

Tucker

tucker

Curveball: Tucker is a girl. I also want to snuggle the shit out of her. Seriously, could she be fluffier? Tucker’s known for fixing those icy blue eyes on a competitor, stunning them into submission and taking the tennis ball to the end zone.

BeeBop

beebop

With a name like BeBop, you really can’t go wrong. BB is probably a backup dancer for Bey on the weekends. She’s got one ear up and you KNOW that means she’s ready to party.

Lucky

lucky

It took me far too long to decipher if Lucky only has three legs or if she was revving up for a mean high five. Seems odd to name a three legged dog Lucky, but whatevs that’s neither here nor there. I have a soft spot for her since I just spent a weekend binging Friday Night Lights. Lucky probably lost her leg tackling another player with her head down. She’s not giving up though and I respect the hell out of that. TEXAS FOREVER, LUCKY!

Panda

panda

WHOA. Holy ears, Panda! She’s got that look on her face that says play fetch with me or I’ll KMS. She’ll come out of the locker room REAL HOT and  if she hears someone in the stands talking shit with her bionic ears, she’ll say cash me ousside, how bow DAH? (Did I use that right? Am I kewl like the youths?)

Smooshie

smooshie

Smooshie is this year’s Puddin Pop. Cursed with the meanest name of the group, she probably hates her life. Not to mention the fact that her face looks eternally sad. She belongs as an extra in the Sara McLachlan SPCA commercial. Lil Smoosh will need a little of Lucky’s 3 legged swagger to rub off on her if she wants to crush this game.

Squirt

squirt

Alright, Squirt, slow your roll. We get it, you’ve got energy for days. Squirt will annoy the shit out of everyone on the field  and that’s a promise. Just like every family needs a nuisance sibling (it’s me), every team needs a pain in the ass like Squirt. Keeps it interesting.

Winston

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Every year we’ve got one. The pup that saw photoshoot on his schedule and decided to roll a fat one before he showed up. Winston just wants to lay on his doggie bed with a bag of treats contemplating the wonders of the world. Sto0oooo00oooner dog.

Ricky

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Ricky needs to take it easy on the H2O. Most likely to look the creepy ref right in the eye, stick that leg in the air and pee directly on the turf mid-game. Do it Ricky, DOOOOO IT.

Foster

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Foster is this year’s MVP. He’s charismatic AF with that tongue waggin’ and I bet he was just shy of winking and throwing up some finger gunz for the photographer. He’ll have fun on the field and celebrate the W by crushing a couple rawhides with his bruhs.

Click here for the full roster.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor -No Signs of Intelligency

corinnetaylor

For the record, I don’t even want to recap this episode because it was the perfect example of what happens to The Bachelor when we start the”to be continued” cycle and F everything up. This epi was 1 hour and 58 minutes of paint drying and 2 minutes of drama that IS SUCH A CLIFFHANGER. I’m over it. You hear me, ABC? #OVER.IT. But I’ll still recap now that I’ve laid that out on the line because I owe it to my millions of fans to deliver a weekly recap that makes fun of these dum dums.

We pick up this week with Taylor and Corinne still fighting. Or really, Corinne is hammered and telling Taylor that she has stank face and everyone hates her. To make sure it really sticks, she tells Nick the same thing. To be fair, Taylor DOES kind of have stank face.

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Rose Ceremony (in the arctic tundra): Danielle L, Kristina, Raven, Whitney, Danielle M, Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Alexis, Corinne, Taylor

My girl Sarah was left out in the cold. Literally. Someone toss that girl a coat, she’s as white as Mae!

AND for another week, Nick shits on Bachelor brackets everywhere by sneaking Jaimi and Josephine, the J’s that don’t belong, right on through to the next round. The next round happens to be a TRIP TO NEW ORLEEEEAAAANNNNNNNNSSSS! I mean, it’s better than Milwaukee.  Chris Harrison interrupts the girls jumping on their hotel beds like they’ve never stayed in a 3 star chain hotel before looking fresh as a motherfucker in a linen blazer. He must be cashing mad checks on that romance novel of his.

Where Have You Beignet All My Life with Rachel

Pretty mad at producers for telling the girls how to pronounce beignet before the cameras started rolling because I know good television and it is watching Raven butcher a French word with her hick accent. MISSED OPPORTUNITY. Anyway, Rachel, who if you recall got the first impression rose and pretty much hasn’t done anything since, pretty much feels like she’s on a date with her boyfriend. We know this because she tells us. 3 times. Their date is sssssssuper chill (Nick’s words, not mine). They walk around the market, Nick puts an alligator on his head and says “I want to eat you.” Hawt. He follows up that top notch flirting with eating a beignet like a savage and there’s immediately a drought in my underwear.

Later on, Rachel tells Nick about a funeral she once attended in New Orleans because these girls are conditioned to talk about dead people on their one on one dates. She doesn’t mention who died, but like, does it really matter? Nick consoles her. I want to like Rachel because she seems to have her shit together other than making up stories about jazzy funerals but then she reveals that she calls her dad “Daddy” and I barf all over myself and immediately must hate her. Either way, she’s rosed.

Til Death Do Us Part with Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M, Whitney, Danielle L

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Nick takes the gals to a haunted house where we meet a very sweaty caretaker named Boo. Boo, like every hired actor on the Bachelor is a true character. Him and his crazy eyes warn the girls about an 8 year old ghost named Mae who kicks it at this mansion. This is the part of the night where they waste an hour of our time flipping on the night vision cam to watch a bunch of biddies play with a ouija board and run around a staged mansion screaming. Listen, I’ve seen the Saved By the Bell Murder Mystery episode. I know that the killer is always the host. I’ve got my eye on you, Boo. Stay woke.

sbtb

boo

Most importantly, the highlight of the mansion is Mae’s doll, which lives in a glass case of emotion creepy. This doll is more terrifying than any ghost could ever be and suddenly it goes MISSING?! No doubt this thing walked right up out of that glass case and is hiding under a bed somewhere waiting to strike. Cause that’s what dolls do. When I was little my mom had ceramic dolls made to look like my sisters and I. It was meant to be a gift but actually it was a nightmare and it’s no coincidence that as I went to find a picture of it, I saw that I tweeted this exactly a year ago today:

It’s an omen. I wouldn’t be surprised if that one-eyed doll strolled into my apt tonight and slaughtered me. If I know anything, it’s that dolls only really need one good eye to murder.

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Anyway, back to the morons…after Jaimi puts on a show about not being afraid of nothin, someone muses like a philosopher in the night, “Do you think…like…we’re more scared here than those two are at home?” Cut to Corinne giving herself a face mask and a bubble bath while Taylor sniffs glue. Yeah. They’re terrified.

Danielle M feels like her connection with Nick got deeper because she explored his mouth a lot. She is rewarded with a rose (from under a glass jar because this week we’re shoving Beauty and the Beast promotions down everyone’s throats.) Raven admits to Nick that she’s fallen in love with him. She’s rewarded with nothing but fond memories of Nick’s roller skating skillz.

Meet Me in the Bayou with Corinne and Taylor

Ah yes, the 2 on 1 date that many anticipated and all know the result of. Mental Health Counselor vs. Multi-million Dollar Company CEO. Emotional Intelligence vs. Intelligency. Stank Face vs Boobs. Tale as old as time. (See what I did there? Beauty and the Beast plug like a MOFO.)

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They go on a ride through the bayou to a clearing where a “voodoo priestess” wearing a woven fedora and a gauzy maxi skirt talks about spirits or something. Boo was more riveting than this chick. The lady doing the reading is wearing a triangle bandanna that I used to rock (attached to a headband) ala MK&A’s clothing line from Walmart. These costumes are downright ridiculous. Regardless of the out of style headwear, Miss Cleo senses a lot of tension amongst the three because, like, she’s a professional. She plays Go Fish with each girl so Nick can hear both sides of the catty story. Corinne says Taylor bullied her, Taylor says nothing because her face is permanently stankin.  Obviously Nick chooses Corinne because we have yet to see her platinum vageen (shoutout to this season’s previews for killing the suspense of this date.) Taylor decides to get a backbone, and some help from the hired voodoos who cover her in water(?) oil(?) whatever, she comes back with a vengeance. I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!!!!!!

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Red Carpet

SAG Awards Red Carpet 2017

Pretty much the most entertaining thing about this awards show is that you can call them the SAG’s and everyone gives you a weird look and maybe a giggle when you do. Otherwise it’s just another snooze-aroni in secondhand awards shows. I mean, the SAG AFTRA president currently is Andrea Zuckerman. Yikes.

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Because these awards are basura, the stars dressed as such. It was a real stretch to pull together a best dressed list. But I did it anyway, because I am a true American hero. I also accidentally got solo drunk during the show–and wrote this blog afterwards. You’re welcome, everyone.

WORST

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Two thumbs down for the skin-toned craft corner beaded dress.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Oh, ok yes. Parrots and sequins. So hot right now.

Emma Stone

I’m legitimately perplexed by this dress. Is the ripped part just hanging off of her body? I wish she just wore the underlayer.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Actual eyesore.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

I’m beginning to wonder if everyone forgot about the SAG’s (insert immature giggle) and stopped by the thrift store on the way to the red carpet.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

This is a pillow case with puffy sleeves, essentially.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Nothing accents burgundy quite like wispy cotton candy hair, is what I always like to say.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Kimmy K’s number one stan as always looking age approps.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

No clue who this is but there are no words.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

I’m astonished that whiny B Kit, formerly of the Rockford Peaches, is still holding court in Hollywood, but here she is gracing my worst dressed list and winning awards and shit.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Welp that’s it. I can’t stand behind Soph on this one. She matched her eyeshadow to her FUSCHIA dress. Woof city, population: Sophia Bush. Add in the gelled front pieces she has dangling in her face and we’ve got a full-on 90’s prom look.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Couldn’t have completed this look without the matching whimsical necklace.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This is normal.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

It’s not necessary to twinsicle it up with your hubs, Chrissy.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Casj hip floral arrangement.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

We get it, ERW, you’re making a suit statement for all red carpets this season.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Pig.Tail.Bunz.

BEST

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

I think this is the most covered I’ve seen Taraji. Suh elegant with a side of full boobs on display.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Hair isn’t gr8 but this dress is alright. (We’re reaching here, folks.)

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

This looks comfy.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Having hummingbirds embroidered on your dress is pretty odd, but Gina’s rack looks top notch! Three cheers!

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

The girls are out to plaaaaayyyy.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

This is one of my favorite for Sofia. She always wears the same dress to every show and this is a welcome change

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Julie Bowen coming in hawt with the risque!

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I’m mostly surprised that a YouTube star was on the red carpet best dressed but also she actually looks really good.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

This dress is nice.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I hadn’t seen Krasinski on a red carpet in so long I literally drooled at the sight of him.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

THIS IS FUN!

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

It’s weird that Jonah went from frat bro at the Golden Globes to dapper Dan at the SAG’s but I approve.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Rock that off the shoulder trend, grrrrrrl! (It’s possible that my drinking game “drink every time politics is mentioned” has truly kicked in at this point.)

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I’ve spent far too long trying to figure out what this jewelry sitch is.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Purple camo yaaasssss Busy!

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Jazzy suit for the win.

23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards

This dress is fab, but due to the asymmetrical neckline it looks like her right boob is 1000x bigger than her left. Demz da breaks.

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Cla$$ Act. (I know it’s not nice to say and this isn’t even a little bit a comment on her weight because obviously she’s skinny as possible but black and white layered like this will always remind me of Willy and I can’t help it. #KillerWhaleBesties4Lyfe)

Fave look of the night:

The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 29 Jan 2017

Being engaged to Landry is werking in her favor. By miles, this was the best look of the night. Subtle and classy.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Can’t Escape the Poop

bachnick

Now that we’ve been blessed with one “to be continued”, we will start off with rose ceremonies for the rest of the season and end with the dumbest three words a TV show could end with. Obviously this will be continued, we’ll see you same time, same place next week, ABC. You’re not building tension. Especially, when we’re back to watching Corinne sleep while everyone talks shit about her. She “sleeps” with a serial killer smile, probably dreaming of Raquel wiping her buhhole for her.

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Nick “I wear a hoodie to a pool party” Viall is still getting a dose of real talk from Vanessa (who if it’s not obvious, is too good for this show #feminism, #womensmarch). Nick tells Vanessa he gives an F what she thinks but wants her to be more patient with Corinne, specifically until hometowns when he can determine whether picking Corinne comes with unlimited amounts of Raquel’s cheese pasta. Sarah and Taylor crawl into Corinne’s bed to wake her up from her nappie and aggressively tell her to pull it together. This is really well accepted, Corinne apologizes, and everyone braids each other’s hair. Just kitten. Corinne throws a grade A bitchface, then uses her confessional to shout YOU DO YOU and IMMA DO ME a bunch of times. Don’t cross Corinne or she turns into a G, apparently. (After she’s had a full 12 hours of rest of course. Wiping the sleepies out of her eyes during the rose ceremony this week was a liiiiitttle much.)

Rose Ceremony: Danielle L, Vanessa, Rachel, Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle M, Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, Corinne

As the ladies reassure each other that they’re there because Nick sees a future with *each* of them, Chris Harrison enters with some riveting travel news. The girls are about to globetrot, first (probably only) stop: Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They all react like they’re going to Paris. Which is cute, and also sad. On the Nick front—there’s nothing quite like bringing 15 girls that you know nothing about to meet your parents! Chris and Mary Viall are nervous for their whiny bitch of a son embarrassing himself on TV again. His parents cry and talk about how much they love each other so in turn, Nick cries. It’s a real mess in Milwaukee.

While Nick snots it up with mom and dad, the gals feed some ducks because what else do you do in Wisconsin? Danielle L. gets plucked for a date and the leftovers debate jumping in the pond to drown themselves amongst the ducks. Did I mention how much I love when the bachelor picks a date in person?! So much insecurity, so little time. Anyway, FUN story about Nick, he once jumped in a river for 12 bucks! OMG he’s SO edgy. The hometown deli that conveniently greets Nick as if this was his second home makes “Nick-erdoodle” cookies of Nick’s face. He asks if he gets to eat himself. Gross, Nick. Clean it up. Danielle & Nickerdoodle smush their face cookies and then smush actual faces. But then DRAMA, while strolling through downtown N&D “accidentally” run into one of Nick’s exes who totally didn’t sign a waiver and mic up to be on camera for this bit or anything. Amber the ex has nothing but great things to say about Nick because producers are framing Nick as a good guy now, duh. His good guy façade is tested later on when Danielle goes full on tits out for the boys. Damn, girl. Even though I can barely focus on anything other than her near nip slip, she confesses that her parents have been divorced since she was 17. Not only that, but Danielle slyly adds in “so it’s been ten years” to really hammer home the point that she’s not a child bride like 90% of the contestants this season (FOR A THIRTY SIX YEAR OLD) and I respect the hell out of it. Danielle’s ok in my book. She’s a grown up and a total babe. She gets rosed, cause boobs PLUS the final surprise of more slow grind dancing onstage at a concert, this time to Chris Lane. Kind of a downgrade from BSB, tbh.

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Say Cheese with Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle M, Corinne

The entire remaining cast except Raven walk up to Nick breast feeding bottle feeding a baby cow, as if this is business as usual. He’s about as country as “Farmer” Chris was when he did pushups on hay bales. The premise of this date is that the girls have to work on a farm because the farm industry is declining and labor ain’t cheap. Also, if you recall the highly esteemed show The Simple Life, watching privileged girls bale hay and shovel shit is entertaining AF.

parisnicole

Josephine chose her brightest white pants and Corinne sits on a rock in the field—because she lost circulation in her hands whilst digging poop. SHE ALMOST HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I bet the hospital has prime napping beds, jus sayin. Jaimi’s good at milking the cow; because of course the lez knows her way around a nipple.

After everyone has showered, gotten a blowout, a full face of makeup and put on their tightest dress to show Nick that they can be a farm girl AND a vixen…it’s time to gang up on Corinne. Ya girl Corinne goes from full-on Gloria in Wedding Crashers to telling all the girls to stop talking shit about her and say it to her face. And, they did.

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Sarah asks Corinne if she thinks she’s ready to marry a 36-year-old man. Valid question but like, Corinne is being groomed for Paradise and everybody knows it. She can parade around a fake engagement ring on insta all she wants but she’s already got a ticket to the sex island this summer. Then Kristina and Corinne get in a fight but I’m not really sure what it was about because I straight up don’t understand a word that falls out of Kristina’s mouth. What I do know is that this disagreement occurred while Corinne was sitting on a lifeless Josephine covered in a red blanket on the couch. Kristina got the rose but Josephine deserves all the roses for somehow still being on this show AND contributing more to a conversation just by passing away on a couch.

Let’s Kick It with Raven

Nick suddenly transforms into a soccer coach for little sis Bella and her team. He just wants to have a regular engaged couple Saturday with the fam and see if Raven can hang. I just want Raven’s accent to change so my ears stop bleeding every time she speaks. Speaking of that beautiful accent, she uses it to ask Nick’s parents if they had to spank him a lot growing up. What an approps first question for your boyfriend’s parents. Typs soccer game fodder. Raven is a keeper. Bella approves as they bond over blue icee’s at Skateland. Bella’s going to watch this back in 5 years, see that monster blue mouth of hers and be mortified. Kind of like Nick should be for bringing his pre-teen sister on the same show he’s had sex on, twice. Nick and Raven skate it up like a couple of pros. Props to Raven for being that coordinated (and not puking on their date). Later on, Raven paints a Lifetime original movie picture of the time she walked in on her DOCTOR boyfriend cheating on her with a bar slut. Even though it came out…real….sloooowww…I was on the edge of my couch in anticipation during this tall tale. She KICKED the door down and administered a STILLETTO head beating! If “I Know What Her Vagina Looks Like” isn’t released within the year with a terribly cast Raven-lookalike, I will be THE MOST disappointed in Lifetime. Either way, Raven gets a rose because she had to see her boyfriend thrusting over another girl. They sk8 it out.

Cocktail Party

Taylor is a lurking asshole who WENT TO JOHNS HOPKINS and is “emotionally” smarter than Corinne.

johnnyhopkins

Josephine and Corinne basically sit on each other’s laps talking about Taylor and shoving apps in their snackholes at rapid speed. It’s easily the best scene of the night watching these two hungry bitches motor through the passed hors d’oeuvres. I haven’t seen dedication to grazing like that since Chad met his lunchmeats.

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To…be…continued….

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Red Carpet

People’s Choice Awards 2017 Red Carpet

Even though the People’s Choice Awards are basically just a big slobberfest for CBS and not worthy of a watch…I still wanted to judge the looks. Shouts to JT for showing up and allowing me to unmute my TV for a mere 2 minutes this entire awards show. And Blake Lively for declaring via acceptance speech that Ryan Reynolds is hers and no one else can have him. Preach, girl.

WORST

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Did impeccable Danny Tanner pick out a suit coat and pants that don’t match?

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Not only is this cropped pinstripe look real weird, but so is his jazzy feet pose.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

I know for a fact that Lori Loughlin has a bangin bod and it’s a disservice to cover it with a literal curtain.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Meh, CCB can do better.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

WHAT is this. Is it pants? Is it a dress? Why are her boobs a different color and fabric? SO many questions, so little time.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Even though they lost their star member, Fifth Harmony is still sticking with the “we all wear scraps of fabric the same color and look like trash” for every red carpet. Don’t eva change.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I guess it’s fitting because her breakout role was in an orange jumpsuit but c’mon.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

This dress sucks. Since I feel bad being so rough on Jenny from the Block, I’ll toss in there that when she won her award and cried and acted like it was an Oscar instead of something people voted for on Facebook, her pony looked sleek as hell.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

A dress equivalent to the beaded seat cover of the 70’s.

chrissullivan

WHY TOBY?! WHY.

BEST

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Host looking sharp AF.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I think I’m obsessed with this look. Like, might be my favorite of the night if Blake Lively didn’t show up and steal my heart.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

The choker seals the deal here and that’s obvious.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Red Carpet

No clue who this is but I’m all in on this outfit. Also proves that I’m not a pants h8er when done right.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Daayyummnn with the leather dress.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Fun & SaSsY.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

The red buttons with the red flash on the belt, I see you, Wilmer.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

This is pretty scandalous with that sky high slit but CBS needed a little near cooch slip.

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

Fresh off his Greek vacay, Uncle J can do no wrong.

People's Choice Awards 2017 - Arrivals

Tommy Fre$h!

.43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

I love this more just because of the swish factor.

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Yes, please.

QUEEN OF THE NIGHT:

43rd Annual People's Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA - 18 Jan 2017

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – Man Tanks Galore

 

BACKSTREET BOYS, NICK VIALL

If you recall, last week was a “cliffhanger” when Nick sent Liz packing and was FORCED to reveal that he sucks in bed had sex with her already. Nick just wants to be up front with everyone because he was SHOCKED when Back Tat got out of the limo. Or more realistically, he was shocked when Chris Harrison had to take him aside to remind him that he’s boned this girl already. He addresses the ladies that they met at JADE AND TANNER’S wedding (are they cashing in on this like product placement? I hope so) and had sex. Then apparently Nick thinks he’s hosting his own epi of Loveline because he opens it up to a Q&A segment with the ladies. He takes each girl aside to reassure himself and make sure no one is judging his sex life. The girls all think he’s suuuper sensitive and concerned with their feelings, so that worked out a little TOO well. Some girl in a yellow dress talks about how worried she is about Nick’s confession. I literally have no clue who she is. I’m confident ABC just tossed in an extra to fuck with us.

Speaking of jokes, Corinne sneaks upstairs to strip down and toss on a trench coat. She stands in front of the mirror practicing how to flash Nick. All I can do is picture Corinne getting ready to come to the mansion and ordering her nanny to pack an oversized trench coat in her suitcase, for obvious reasons.

michaelscotttrench

She sashays downstairs in this khaki-colored garbage bag and proceeds to shoot whipped cream down Nicks throat and chase it with her tongue. Then in natural progression, she sprays it all over her boobs and asks him to lick it off. Nick loves that Corinne seems to be very comfortable with her body. YEAH HE DOES. The girls watch from a window in the house and immediately cry.

corinne

Corinne gets interrupted and suddenly the whipped cream can is lying on the cold, hard ground. Corinne runs into the house and sobs that her relationship with Nick is over because he didn’t want to slurp whipped cream out of her lady bits while a bunch of women watched with jealousy. Then she passes the F out and misses the rose ceremony. Nick demands to know where she is as if the girls in the room have killed her and buried her body underneath that giant trench coat. He apologizes on her behalf. If anyone should be apologizing it should be Hailey who wore an actual bra to the rose ceremony and still didn’t get a rose.

Roses: Corinne, Danielle, Whitney, Kristina, Danielle L, Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique, Sarah, Alexis, Brittany, Josephine, Jasmine, Christen, Taylor, Astrid

Everybody! with Danielle L. Christen Kristina Whitney Taylor Jasmine & Corinne

The Backstreet Boys shows up at the mansion and the most shocking part about this is that Brian has a disgusting braided tail hanging off the back of his head. C’mon guys, you’re old but you’re still touring. Clean it up. They sing a quick song and all the girls try to sing over them. If BSB is standing 2 feet away from you singing, YOU LISTEN. What a bunch of disrespectful hoez.

The gals hit the dance studio with BSB and Nick in a man tank. Wittle baby Corinne isn’t loving this date because she doesn’t have an excuse to pull her tits out. She’s a bad dancer and she’s not getting enough attention. Not to point fingers, but this Thriller choreography isn’t doing her any favors. Kevin is wearing a fedora and tells everyone to wrap it up. It’s actually insulting to JT (the KING of pulling off a fedora) how bad he looks.

screen-shot-2017-01-17-at-8-28-20-am     vs. jt

Jus’ sayin.

At the “show” that night consisting of about 30 people, Nick’s cue to awkwardly jive onto the stage is the lyric “We’re gonna bring the flavor show you how” and I’ve never laughed harder. WHAT a contradiction. Danielle’s claw hands shine the brightest because she wins a slow grind with Nick to “I Want It That Way” while the other biddies glare.

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At the after party, Danielle gets more slow dance and smooch time and of course, a rose. Corinne takes my last and final straw. First she puts herself down for a quick nappie then she wakes up to tell everyone about her nanny Raquel, who does every single thing for her. Most importantly, her nanny makes the best cheese pasta. CHEESE. PASTA. That’s it. I’ve put up with a lot from Corinne mostly because I know she’s this season’s villain and all of her screen time is edited/staged but I cannot any longer. There’s no way producers could’ve controlled the dumb that dribbles out of her mouth. Choreography is not called planned dancing and cheese pasta is MAC AND CHEESE. AND YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF ONE SINGLE BOX OF KRAFT SHAPES, YOU DUMB BITCH. #Done.

“You Make Me Feel Like I’m Floating” with Vanessa

Vanessa and Nick get in a plane that casually nosedives to give them the zero gravity feel. Immediately I assume someone will be blowing chunks. If I were put in that plane I would probably cry hysterically the whole time. They do a weird air jig for a while; run into each other’s limbs a lot and then kiss. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long for Vanessa to feel nauseous (or if you’re Sean Lowe: nautious) and puke a little bit. Thankfully for us, she doesn’t projectile but politely Ralphs in a barf bag while Nick literally puts his face on top of hers. Back up, bro! She’s spewing her insides right now. I don’t even want someone in the same room as me when I’m puking, let alone putting his forehead on mine and they met like five minutes ago. Whatever, Vanessa thinks it’s adorbs how caring he is and they make out afterwards. YIKES. I almost had a chain reaction sitch just from watching them have a vom makeout. Gum doesn’t erase what just went down!

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Later, Vanessa compares her grandfather dying to coming on this show because he gave out roses from beyond his grave or something? Nick cries thinking about what will happen if “this doesn’t work out for him.” K. Vanessa tries to pretend she forgot about the rose this whole time, lolerskates. She probz didn’t want it after seeing Nick sob on their first date. She gets it anyway.

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“I’m done playing the field” with Rachel Alexis Astrid Jaimi Sarah Brittany & Dominique

Nick recruits his buds from the Olympics to help the girls run track. They obviously have no idea who these athletes are but put on a clinic of shock when they stroll up. I took a class in college where I had to watch a documentary on Carl Lewis and I couldn’t have pointed him out last night if you had put a gun to my head. Astrid decides to go with a minimal support “sports” bra and the cameraman wastes no time capitalizing on that. Astrid, Alexis and Rachel race for some natural hot tub time in the middle of a high school track. Rachel has hot hands and can’t grab the ring at the finish line, so Astrid, boobs flapping, scoops up the ring after almost stomping Rachel’s hand off and gets into the hot tub fully clothed. What a W for her.

After Astrid’s leggings probably melt off, Dominique has a meltdown because Nick hasn’t paid attention to her at all and this was her first time she was allowed out of the mansion. Instead of using her time to have a conversation and learn about Nick, Dom comes in REAL hot and tells Nick that she thinks he’s not giving her a fair chance. He didn’t pull her aside to ask how she was doing during the date and that was NOT OKAY. Nick says, GIRL, BYE. So that kind of backfired, huh, Dom?

Pool Party in lieu of Cocktail Party

The girls are all horned up, cause pool party, and the minute Nick steps outside, all hands are on his abs. It doesn’t really matter though because once Corinne rises from the dead it’s game over. She surprises Nick with a bounce house and then straddles him inside of it. I asked for a bounce house for my 21st birthday party and my parents told me they had a weight limit. This has nothing to do with Corinne turning a bounce house to a bounce sex den but I needed to bring it up because I’m still bitter about being denied the best party ever and I’ll never stop talking about it. Anyway, after he goes for the two-handed ass grab and all the other girls watch with a Whitney circa The Hills Season 2 surprise face, Corinne goes back to bed because her work there is done.

whit

Raven tattles to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and doesn’t know how to clean a spoon. TELL HIM THAT SHE CALLS MAC AND CHEESE, “CHEESE PASTA.” I DARE YOU, RAVEN. Then Vanessa wants Nick to know that she saw him “riding her” and she’s judging him. Does he want a wife or just a F buddy? We shall find out next week. One thing I know for sure is that a pukey makeout bonds two people for life, and I don’t think Vanessa’s going anywhere anytime soon.

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Today’s bonus clip came courtesy of Josephine singing made up show tunes to Nick while my ears fell clean off of my head. So thanks for that, ABC.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/9/17

 1. BYE Biebs.

*PREMIUM EXCLUSIVE* Hot New Couple Selena Gomez and The Weeknd Can't hide their love

Selena is back in a BIG way. First she’s smooching all up on The Weeknd. Props to her for swooping in AFTER he cut that ridiculous cartoon hairstyle he was rocking for far too long. To be honest I wasn’t really that shocked about this celeb couple news because it’s probably mostly her way to show Biebz that she’s upgrading from a whiny bitch who hates his fans to a smooth R&B sex machine. Bella Hadid unfollowed her on Instagram, because duh, that’s what you do when someone in your Hollywood squad starts banging your ex-boyfriend. Well that, and take a bunch of bathing suit selfies.

bellapeople

BUT THEN, she drops this in our grillpieces and now I’m like oh shittttt SELENASSSSSSS!

selena

Ignore the cr33pster intensely taking a naked girls’ picture through the mirror and just feast your eyes on dat ass. Suck on it, JB. Nice try, Bella. The bigger the hoop….

2. Lick.

Joe Jonas did a Guess campaign and oiled up his abs for it. Nuff said. Sick enhancement in the shot with your grey undies though. Definitely didn’t immediately notice that.

joe1joe4joe3joe5joe2

And since Nick is my favorite. Let’s do a little compare/contrast of when he did Calvin Klein:

nickjonasck

Backwards hat and cocky D grab always wins and that’s obvious.

3. Closer 2.0.

Those dirty frat bruhs known as The Chainsmokers just dropped their follow-up to Closer. Kneejerk reaction: I’ll listen to it but there’s no comparison. Hard to follow up that heater when it literally still brings the house down every time it’s played. Don’t talk smack about it though because they’ll come AFTER you. Their music is the GREATEST OF ALL TIME.

4. Brooke Davis is gonna change the world someday.

brooke_wink

Every once in a while I like to give a little update to my fellow OTH fans. This week Sophia Bush finally broke her silence on her casual marriage to CMM when she was like, 21 in a personal essay for Cosmo. In true Sophia raspy voiced goddess fashion, she got real deep and metaphorical. Without naming the Chadster, she talked about how she was so young and thought because he was asking her, they should get married. Then she drops some truth bombs about how the right relationships find you and honestly I feel like a new woman after reading it. If you want to hear her preach, click here to read and learn all about how to stop looking for “the one”. Because it’s unrealistic to think the guy you went to high school with is who you want standing next to you when all your dreams come true.

5. Landry snags another babe.

dunst

Yeah, Riggins was the sexiest bad boy in Dillon, and Saracen had the heart of gold, but apparently Landry scoops up all the chicks. How they ever put him with Tyra is beyond me but like clearly life imitates art because he’s now engaged to Kirsten Dunst. Also it’s laugh out loud funny that gossip sites were reporting the engagement with his character’s name. No need to know his real name because he is Landry for life and he’ll probably perform with Crucifictorious at the wedding.

BONUS: T dropped a little teaser action for Z’s birthday yesterday. This video can’t come soon enough.

The track list for the fifty shades soundtrack was also released and it’s STACKED. Not afraid to say it’s going to be better than the actual movie.

Happy Birthday Liam ❤

Liam-Wallpaper-liam-hemsworth-35499475-1280-800chris-liam-hemsworth-shirtless-surfing-duo-38liam_hemsworth_cover1_vss

PS People.com coming in thirsty AF.

people

 

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Television, The Bachelor

The Bachelor – HE HELD MY BOOBS!

 

bridesmaid

Always a Bridesmaid with Corinne, Vanessa, Sara, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth & Brittany

Franco is a renowned photographer who wears a geometric print shirt with matching booty shorts and reflective aviators that really bring out his bushy mustache. He tells this group of ladies, “Whoever does a nice job I have a nice……surprise.” In this case I’m guessing surprise equals mustache ride by the way he creepily purrs that.

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Everything is going swimmingly with Corinne declaring that her and her white bikini-clad tits were going to own this game until Brittany strutted out basically completely naked looking like a total dime. Corinne handled it really well; if by really well we mean glaring at her and saying she wanted to punch her in the face. As always, once one girl gets bold and smooches Nick, they all jump on the makeout train. Lacey (always the bridesmaid never the bride) kisses Nick and says he tastes like Danielle. Sexy. Just to reiterate, being chosen as the ONLY bridesmaid and then tasting another girl on your date makes you A TOTAL LOSER, Lacey. In the event that you’re wondering what Franco is up to during all of this, he’s encouraging each girl to kiss Nick while he slowly strokes his D through his loudly printed shorts. During Taylor’s moment he whispers into the breeze, “This is the moment… because I know you from before time.” So THAT’S normal.

brittany

Then we get to the part where Brittany and Nick have a nudie photo shoot in their leaves and Corinne turns into a giant jelly belly. When it’s her turn, she rips her top off and presses her breasts all over Nick in the pool. She then forces Nick to grab her boobs for the “Janet Jackson” pose. He seems uncomfy until about 30 seconds later when Corinne is announced as the winner. Good work, producers. Now every female is questioning if she should show her nipples to find true love.

CORRINE, NICK VIALL

Corinne can totally see her self just falling and falling and falling and grabbing and grabbing and grabbing and HE HELD HER BOOBS, GUYS!!!!!!! Although I wish that was something funny that I wrote, unfortunately it came directly out of Corinne’s dumb nanny-having mouth. (PS I stand by my tweet last night that “BUT HE HELD MY BOOBS” is now my go-to comeback for ever and ever.) Raven questions if Nick is looking for someone who will pop out her tits at any moment. The answer to that is yes and that’s obvious. Did Raven do her research orrrr? Speaking of, Taylor talks to Nick in detail about her psychology degree and Corinne comes to save him because THAT’S THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER. I mean yeah, we hate Corinne and she’s dumb as rocks but like Taylor read the room and find something less snoozeworthy to talk about. Obviously Nick is going to prefer to talk to the minx that will gyrate on his lap instead of the one explaining the human psyche to him. NOT SO FAST THOUGH—Taylor “re-interrupted” and that’s no bueno in Corinne’s book. Because she’s classy. Again, her words, not mine. Yes that’s right, Queen of interrupting who made a point to tell the other ladies that you don’t come on this show unless you want to get interrupted almost stabbed a bitch over getting interrupted. Did I say interrupted enough? Also, Taylor thinks Nick likes her for her brain. Methinks he likes it when a girl rubs her tits all over him because Corrine gets the rose.

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Meanwhile, Liz won’t shut the F up about how she slept with Nick already. Seriously, every sentence that falls out of her mouth starts with “I met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.” Oh DID YOU?! During poolside times, Liz tells Christen that she banged Nick and doesn’t spare any deets. Then she talks about all of her insecurities, which is obviously a good idea to do with a girl you just met, whose competing for the same guy’s affection.

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I don’t remember what this date was called but it was probably a flying metaphor with Danielle M.

Danielle maintains her spot as cute good girl and snags a helicopter ride that landed on a yacht. They’re like, having so much fun and they’re both from the same town. So you could say there are sparks. They hot tub on the yacht, because of course. At dinner, Nick talks about how he’s been on previous seasons of the Bachelorette as if none of us know, and Danielle admits that her fiancé overdosed and died. A liiiitttle deeper than getting rejected on 2 TV shows B2B. Nick respects her more for going through that and she gets a rose.

We Need to Talk with Christen, Kristina, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina, Liz & Josephine

According to my equally as sasshole sister, this is the B team group date including a Russian, a dude, a lez, and a kiss & teller. Couldn’t have summed this motley crew up any better. They go to a museum of broken relationships. This is a special place where everyone donates their crap that reminds them of a breakup and it’s called art. Nick’s addition to said crap is the ring he picked out for Kaitlyn that he didn’t even a little bit pay for and should’ve returned at the end of the season. It’s certainly not crap but it IS embarrassing that he gives such a bullshit emotional speech about it right before he participates in performance art breakups.

In order to get in the mood for acting, the group watches other couples pretend to break up and Nick literally sits there eating his fingers like a giant weirdo. The girls show us what you would’ve immediately assumed upon looking at them: they’re terrible actresses. Why else do you think they ended up on reality TV to become stars? Josephine slaps Nick silly and tries to kiss it better. The only thing that will make that better is Josephine actually breaking up with Nick and disappearing forever. Jus sayin. Liz goes the dramats route and reads a speech from her diary about how they met and how it made her feel. It gives Nick ALL the uncomfies. Nick is butthurt that Liz made that news public but I think he overestimated how smart this group of girls is because none of them caught on that this was a non-fiction piece. They were all like whoa Liz got really deep with her part, BRAVA!

Later on, Christen takes her first opportunity to narc on Liz during her one on one time with Nick. I mean she was calculating that moment since the second Liz spilled the beans. Obviously Nick wasn’t LOVING that the girls were talking about the drunken night and that can only mean one thing: he sucks in bed. Jaimi dated a girl once because OF COURSE the girl with the septum piercing who walked in on night one with the phrase I’ve got balls is also a little lez. And finally, Nick tells Liz to kick rocks and DRAMATIC TWIST; he is forced to tell everyone that he wedding boned her. It’s to be continued because there are just not enough hours in the night to cover the meltdowns that will result from this news. No rose ceremony but we do get a bonus scene where Alexis celebrates her boob birthday and they eat boob cupcakes togets. Keep doing you, Alexis. You fake-boobed dolphin aficionado, you.

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